


Ambitious - but rubbish; A Novel Attempt

by EmmySlemmy



Series: James and Emily [1]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF, Top Gear - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-23
Updated: 2013-09-11
Packaged: 2017-11-19 08:26:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 71
Words: 257,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/571214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmySlemmy/pseuds/EmmySlemmy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(Song featured in the last part of this chapter is Needtobreathe - A place only you can go)</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Emilee! Emileeee!!" Bastién, the chief male nurse on the ward came running up towards me, looking slightly hysterical. He was french, a secretly gay man stuck in an arab country and the only other european in this Syrian A&E. He had an arab mother, and had learned English from watching endless american TV-shows and musicals. He had become my most important link of correct communication between myself and everyone else in this ward, interpreting now more out of habit than out of necessity. I had learned some arabic in the time I was here, but not enough to get by during longwinded medical discussions.  
"Ok, ok, calm down, what's up?" I'd seen him calmer during shoot-outs than he was at the moment.  
"Zhey need you, room 302, a patient."  
"What, me? Why?"  
"You speek good English," he said apologetically in his wonderfully caricatured French-English accent. We had an amazing array of languages in this hospital - arabic, pashto, french, spanish and god knows what else. But curiously enough, I was just about the only one with a good grasp of English. "Come, hurry."  
"Wow, is it this important?" I hadn't heard anything about a critical patient coming in, so the urgency took me by surprise.  
"Yes, he is trés importante. British. He is from television. They said he must be treated well, will look good for Syria." I burst out laughing, Bastién had said "television" like it was some other planet.  
"All right, I get it, he is important," I sighed and patted his arm. "Thanks Bastién," I added as I walked towards room 302, leaving him in the hallway. Privately I was annoyed. Not at whoever this television person was, he probably hadn't burst into the emergency demanding special treatment. Then again, you never knew. But the hospital staff was eager to give it to him all the same. Everyone European and famous was royal in their eyes, and a bad treatment here could give them bad press and destroy whatever reputation they thought they had.   
I burst in the door of room 302 and found two men, one lying on a bed seemingly staring at the ceiling, and another in the act of wandering around aimlessly seemingly about to expire from worry. You have got to be kidding me. Is that the guy from..? I can't be. What are the bloody chances? I pulled myself together.  
"Hello, I'm Emily, I'm a nurse." The wandering man seemed to let out a sigh of relief that he finally could understand someone. I stretched out a hand to him, and he shook it.  
"Hi, I'm Andy. I'm er... the producer. And his mate. Mostly mate." He was rambling. I replied with a smile that it was nice to meet him, then turned to the man on the bed. Holy hell, it is him. I leaned towards him and took hold of his hand, squeezed it lightly to get his attention. It took a while for him to lock in and focus on me. He seemed pale and a bit out of it.  
"Hello, you. I'm Emily, I'm a nurse," I smiled, talking somewhat slower and gentler than I had to the man on two feet.  
"Um, hi..." he said slowly. He stared intently at me now that he had finally managed to focus, seemingly surprised that someone was talking English to him. "I'm um.. James. James May."  
"I already know that, but hello anyway, James, nice to meet you," I smiled. I was still holding his hand, it was an old nurses thing. Observe the skin for symtoms - bad circulation, fever, clamminess. The skin on his hand was rough, but warm. He squeezed it back this time, and I saw a shadow of a smile. Always a good sign. "So, what happened to you, then?" I asked lightly. Let go of his hand, idiot, this is getting way past nurses' observations. I had already seen the cloth he was holding to his head, and the blood and sand in his hair and on his clothes, and gathered he'd fallen and hit his head pretty badly.  
"I um.. banged my head a bit," he muttered, almost shameful. I could tell he wasn't up for storytelling, so I turned to Andy and lifted my eyebrows at him questioningly, signalling him to elaborate.  
"Well," he begun, drawing breath. "I take it you know we're doing a car show, yeah?"  
"My family are mostly car mechanics, what do you think?" I smirked.  
"Oh, right," Andy said, returning to his aimless wandering. I sat down on James' bedside, still holding his hand as he seemed not to want to let it go. Andy took my cue and also sat down on a rickety chair. "Anyway, we were out in the desert and the cars got stuck, so Richard tried to tow Jezza out... Anyway, James was trying to direct them both and took hold of the towing rope, and.."  
"I think I can see where this is going. The rope was pulled taught quickly and he got flung backwards and landed head first on a rock?" I finished with a sigh and a slight smile.  
"Yeah, that was pretty much it."  
"Isn't that kind of a rookie mistake?" I said flatly, looking at James again. They both seemed tense and worried, and by experience I knew a joke could make people relax. But I also knew it might be too early to throw some humour into the proceedings, so I waited for James' ghost of a smile to reappear before I smiled too.  
"I know, silly..." he mumbled again. I patted his arm consolingly again before I got up.  
"Right, I apologize but I'm badly informed, I was just thrown in here because I speak somewhat understandable English." I grabbed his charts which was hanging on the end of the bed. "There's been a doctor to see you, right?" I looked at James but it was Andy that answered.  
"Yes, we have. Um, he has. At least, I think he was a doctor. I didn't understand a word he said, though," he said apologetically, like he was embarrassed he didn't understand Arabic.  
"Welcome to my world. I don't either 50% of the time," I mumbled while I looked over the charts. "Right, from what I can tell they've done a basic neurological exam, and it looks good. It says here "minor brain injury", which isn't as scary as it sounds," I added hastily, spotting Andy going pale. "Basically he's had a hefty concussion."  
"Oh, right.. We were a bit worried it was something.. worse... He passed out and when he woke up he was very confused, didn't know where he was or.." Andy's voice faded as he gave his mate a worried look. It was almost touching.  
"James?" I said, and he shifted his gaze from Andy to me. "Know where you are?"  
"Hospital. Syria. Damascus, probably."  
"Good man," I smiled encouragingly, moved a chair over and sat down , facing them both. "Getting a bad bang on the head like that can cause some pretty weird symptoms. Nausea, blurred vision, coordination and balance issues, a stonking headache, and lots of cognitive symptoms like temporary confusion or memory loss. Compare it to your brain having a power-out and having to reboot it like a computer." They both nodded, signalling they had understood. I looked down at the charts again which I had in my lap. "Doctors want to do a quick CT of you just to make sure you haven't messed your noggin' up more than we think you have. But I really think it'll all be fine. Your vitals are good, but you are a bit dehydrated and have lost a bit of blood, so I'll give you an IV with some fluids later. It also says here that I have the joyous task of cleaning out that headwound of yours after you've had your scan. Hopefully you won't need stitches. Other than that its bedrest and calm until tomorrow at the very least." I stopped talking, and looked from one to the other. I'm going to have to prod this man with a needle. God, I hope I won't miss.   
"Any questions?"  
"Um, no... So he'll be here at least until tomorrow?" Andy asked.  
"Yeah, at least," I repeated. "Is the rest of the crew in town as well? Maybe you need to check into a hotel overnight?"  
"Oh god, I haven't even thought that far," Andy breathed.  
"Don't worry, I know a few good hotels around, I can give you the names if you want?" Andy nodded gratefully at this as I scribbled the names of the three best hotels I knew in the city on a piece of paper. I couldn't picture Jeremy Clarkson in a cheap Syrian motel. Andy took the piece of paper, but still looked somewhat lost. "Listen," I said and put my arm on Andy's shoulder. "Why don't I go and get you a cup of coffee, you can go outside and call the others, maybe let them know what's going on? And then try to find a hotel for the night?"  
"Yeah. I'll do that. Thanks," he shrugged and gave me an embarrassed smile. He was still in a bit of shock and was grateful for some guidance and simple instructions to follow.  
"Er.. James?" God, I can't call him sir. Or Mister May? God, no. "I'll go find your mate here a cup of coffee and then I'll be right back, all right?" A grunt of confirmation came from the bed. I hurried out and into the little nurses station, poured coffee into a polystyrene cup and hurried back to 302. Andy was meandering outside, looking put upon. I handed him the cup and patted him on the back. "It'll be all right. He's going to be fine. By the way, that coffee will give you hairs on your eyeballs." He smiled appreciatively and shuffled towards the exit. I dove into the storage room and found what I needed for inserting an IV needle, and then hurried back. Calm down, you stupid woman. He's just a bloke you've seen on the telly. James was still on the bed, eyes closed.  
"James?"  
"Hm?" He opened bleary eyes and looked at me. I pulled a chair right up to the side of his bed and deposited my medical equipment on the nightstand.  
"Remember my name?"  
"Emily," he replied, looking mildly affronted, as if I thought he was senile.  
"Good, good. I have to check that," I said showing my palms in a disarming gesture before looking at him intently. "So, how are you feeling?"  
"Um... Not as nauseous as before. Head hurts a lot more, though. Still a bit dizzy and.. um.. fuzzy. Vision is a bit blurry."  
"Pain anywhere else than your head?"  
"Um, no... Well, back hurts a bit but I guess that's just from falling on it." He looked at me for confirmation.  
"It probably is," I nodded calmly. "You scared?" The question caught him slightly by surprise, it was direct and personal.  
"No..." He hesitated. "Well, I was a bit worried for a while, but no, not anymore."  
"Good. Everything will be all right. Listen, I have to put this IV needle in your hand. You'll need some contrast for the CT, and then I'll get you some pain meds and some IV fluids later. Is that all right?" He just nodded slightly and proffered is left hand tiredly. God, please don't miss. Don't miss. Come on, don't miss.  
"I'm not even going to bother about asking if you're peevish about needles, no man ever admits to be," I said as I unwrapped my equipment, poked around his hand for a vein and rubbed disinfectant on his skin. "There, all done," I said as I put the last bit of tape on his hand. Thank heavens. "Okay. Can I just have a look at your head?" I said and gestured to the cloth he was still holding to the back of his head. Another nod. I got up and gently placed my hand over his, carefully removing the cloth enough to see what was under there. The bleeding had stopped. It wasn't big, but looked deep and in need of a good cleaning. "Okay," I said and guided his hand back to hold the cloth there. "Keep the cloth there until after you've had your CT, I'll clean it out properly later. You don't have to put pressure on it, it's stopped bleeding. Want a glass of water?"  
"Yes, please. Thank you," he said. Typical polite brit.  
"I'll go find that for you, and some contrast, and let them know you're ready for CT in a bit." He gave a slight nod again, and I disappeared.  
Ten minutes later I returned bearing a syringe full of contrast in one hand and a cup of icewater in the other. He had a drink and I injected the constrast dye. "You might feel a bit warm and weird after this. But it passes quickly."  
"Oh, okay," he said quietly, I could tell by the look on his face that his head was really throbbing.  
"They'll be in here in about ten or fifteen to take you to the CT."  
"Won't you be there?" I could tell that the question had fallen out of his mouth before he'd had the time to stop himself. He looked sheepishly at me. Aaw. He wants me to stay with him. Oh, of course he wants to, you're the only one he can understand in this place. Stop flattering yourself.  
"Mno, I won't be allowed in anyway. It won't take long though, just.. lie as still as possible if you don't understand their instructions. And I'll be here waiting with the disinfecting swabs when you and your headwound gets back," I smiled. He nodded his understanding. "Want to be left in peace for a bit?" Vague nod. "You won't fall asleep on me?" I raised a stern eyebrow at him.  
"With this headache, that is quite the impossibility," he mumbled.  
"Okay... See you after the scan, then," I said and shuffled silently out of the room.  
I found Andy outside, seemingly just hanging up his phone. The coffee and fresh air seemed to have done him good, his colour was back and he seemed more composed.  
"Everything all right?" I asked. I had brought a cup of coffee with me, and sat down on the stone balustrade framing the entrance to the hospital.  
"Yes. Hotel sorted for everyone, most of them are heading there now. Thank you for the help."  
"Good, that's good. I guess this kind of messed up your recording plans for a couple of days?"  
"Yeah, a bit. But that doesn't matter really, all that matters is that he's OK."  
"Of course!" I said and had a sip of coffee.  
"How is he?"  
"He's having the headache of his life, basically. He'll be scanned in a little while. Assuming everything is ok, which it will be, I'll sort out that gash in his head and knock him out with some painkillers."  
"Can he have visitors? Jeremy and Richard wanted to..." Oh god, the other two might come here.  
"Yeah, sure, in a few hours. But not for long, and they can't wind him up too much. He needs lots of quiet now. No TV, no phones, no silly mates taking the piss."  
"I take it you've watched Top Gear quite a bit, huh?" Far too much to admit.  
"Enough to know how those three can be, yeah."  
"All right, I'll tell them to hold off for a couple of hours, and to behave when they're here."  
"Listen, I have a suggestion. Go to the hotel, get some food, relax for a bit. You've had a trying day, all of you. Leave your number and I can call you later when he's ready for visitors?" Andy agreed to this, and called someone in his crew and asked to be picked up.


	2. Chapter 2

Forty-five minutes later James was wheeled back.

"Hello again," I said as I made my way across the room with my arms full of gauze, bandages, gloves, disinfectants, washcloths, towels, IV bags and painkillers.

"Wait, don't ask. Hospital. Syria. Damascus. Emily. Nurse." He waggled a finger at me.

"Glad to hear your funnybone isn't broken." I smiled, pleased to see him more alert and awake. I handed him a little plastic cup with two pills in it, and a bottle of water. "Painkillers."

"God bless you," he sighed gratefully.

"Excuse me a minute, I just.." I can't wear this anymore, I probably look like a nun. I undid my makeshift "hijab" shawl, shook my hair loose and stuffed the shawl in my pocket. "Bloody hell, that feels good," I sighed. James snorted into his bottle of water and looked curiously at me without the headgear. "I have to wear it just to avoid grief from all the muslims in here. Some didn't mind, but far too many did. It's a respect-thing."

"No, no, makes sense. Must be awful to wear in the heat."

"Exactly. It's torture. But I'm going to be in here for a while so I'm risking it." I hung up the bag of IV fluids and connected it to James' arm before sitting down. "I talked to the doctors, they've seen your scans. You're all good, skull isn't broken, no bleeds anywhere. But still, you have a bad concussion so you're stuck here until tomorrow. No TV, no phone texting, no reading or anything else that requires much concentration. Welcome to boredom." He cracked a crooked smile at this. "So, hows the head? And nausesa?"

"Nausea better. Head just as bad," he frowned.

"Painkillers will kick in soon. Meanwhile I need to tackle that hole in your head. If that's OK?" "Yeah, sure." I explained to him that I had to try and get some blood and sand out of his hair before starting on the wound, and that I had to use washcloths and towels for it. "I don't want to use water from the taps for this, since it can get into the wound. We don't have the best tap water around here as you can imagine. It'll do for showering but not anywhere near a gash like this. Right, lie on your right side?" He obediently rolled over, albeit gingerly, onto his side. I placed a big towel under his head and over his shoulders and dipped a washcloth in a bowl of bottled water. We were both quiet, me concentrating on the rather difficult task of rinsing out hair with a washcloth.

"I must admit this is the first time I've ever washed my hair in bottled water. They don't even do that for spa treatments," he mumbled. I could only see the back of his head.

"What can I say, I treat my patients well." I muttered back.

"I'd say."

"Have you ever _had_ a spa treatment?" I couldn't hold back my curiosity.

"Yeah, Oz Clarke forced me to do this grape spa... thing.... I had to be nearly naked. I still have nightmares..." He whined. ---

"Right, done. Think you can sit up for me? Easier to clean that wound if you're sitting." He tried sitting up. Still being wobbly I gave him a steadying hand and piled the pillows up against the headboard so he could lean against it. "Look that way," I commanded and pointed at his left, making it easier for me to see the back of his head. I removed a few hairclips from my own hair and clipped them into his to keep the hair out of the way of the wound.

"This is probably the first time you have hairclips in your hair as well, huh?"

"Um... Strangely enough, no..."

"Okay. I'm not even going to ask, not after the grape spa thing."

"Smart girl." I readied cotton swabs, tweezers and saline, then began to gently clean the wound. "Feel free to yell at me if this hurts. Just don't punch me like that arabian woman did giving birth. Oh, and hold still."

"Don't make me laugh, then" _I made him laugh,_ I thought to myself.

"Beats making you punch me." There was a long silence, all I could hear was the distant sounds of chaotic traffic and car horns, someone shouting down the hall, and James' breathing.

"Okay, so I've been trying to suss this one out.. " James broke the silence.

"Hm?"

"You're clearly not from around here. You speak good English but you have an accent I can't put my finger on. Where are you from, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I'm Norwegian, actually."

"Really?" At this he turned around and looked at me over his shoulder, eyebrows raised in surprise. "I wouldn't have guessed that. How on earth did you end up here?"

"Eyes front," I ordered. "I volunteered for it. I wanted to be an aid worker, so I signed up. Had no idea where I would end up, mind, it could be everything from Haiti to Sudan to North Korea. Frankly it is a miracle I even got sent anywhere, normally you would need a diploma in tropical medicine to be sent on things like these."

"Wow. How long have you been down here?"

"Ten weeks. Only have two left."

"Going home?"

"No. Well, yes, at first. Going back to Norway for three weeks or so. Then moving."

"Where?" _Oh, this is going to sound crazy._

"To London, actually," I admitted hesitantly.

"Really? You're joking?"

"Really. Been accepted to London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. Going to get that diploma I need. It's part time, so I'm working part time as a nurse as well."

"Ever been in London before?"

"Yeah, I have. Lost count, really. I know I like it there, otherwise I would've gone somewhere else to take that class. But frankly I didn't fancy going anywhere... German. Or French." I said with feeling.

"I see what you mean," I heard him say. I put down my tweezers with the cotton swab and sighed heavily. "I'm sorry to say this, James, but it looks like you are going to need some stitches back here after all."

"Bugger!" He turned around to look at me.

"It isn't that bad. The local anaestethic is the worst part. After that it's just... Handicrafts. I'll go get the doc, see if he can do it right away?" James nodded, looking somewhat unsure. I cleared up my mess of swabs and detritus, and handed him the bottle of water. He took it obediently and had a swig.

"Thanks. I feel like a baby, having everything done for me."

"It is called being a patient. Enjoy it while you can, eh? I'll be right back."

"Hang on! Um... Head-scarf.. thing..." He stuttered, gesturing wildly. I was almost at the door when I stopped abruptly in my tracks.

"Oh god, you're right!" I hastily retrieved my shawl from my uniform pocket and put it on. "Quick thinking. Thanks for that!"

 


	3. Chapter 3

I returned, following respectfully behind the doctor, this time carrying suture kits, syringes and more bandages. I quickly laid everything out on the nightstand for the doctor, then grabbed one of the chairs and sat down on the opposite side of the bed, facing James.  
"I'll tell you what he is going to do, that way you'll be prepared. He's filling the syringe with a local anesthetic, he might have to inject it three or four places. It might sting a bit and then you'll go all numb."  
"All right," he said, looking thoroughly unhappy.  
"This has just been an entire day of unpleasantness for you, huh?"  
"It hasn't been a good one so far, no."  
"He's going to poke you with a needle now. Brace!" I said calmly, and he screwed his face up in preparation. "He's done now," I said as the doctor put the syringe down, and James opened his eyes and relaxed a little. "So, how's the head? Apart from it being sown shut, I mean."  
"Seems a bit better. Nausea is better too, cold water helps."  
"And vision?"  
"Better. There is only one of you now."  
"Good." He looked at me, gaze seeming steadier. "Let me know if you can feel anything when he starts sowing. You shouldn't be able to. Just hold still." For a moment there was silence as James concentrated on holding still. After a while he was the one to break the silence.  
"I must admit, I didn't really expect getting a hijab-wearing, Norwegian, English-speaking nurse when coming to an A&E in Syria..."  
"Well, I didn't expect to get a long-haired, British television-presenter as a patient when I am working in a Syrian A&E either, so I should think we'd be square on that one," I smirked," resting back against my chair.  
"You have a fair point."  
"What were you guys doing out in the desert, anyway? And what were you driving?"  
"Jez had a Mazda, Richard a Fiat Barchetta, he was pulling Jez out of some... stone-strewn hole."  
"And why were you in a stone-strewn hole and not say, on the road?" I suggested cautiously.  
"We were trying to... um, avoid the roads and not get noticed.. by people..." He looked at me sheepishly. I broke out laughing, and then immediately felt bad for doing so and rearranged my face in what I hoped was an empathetic grimace.  
"I think I am safe in saying that you failed that. Miserably. What were you driving?"  
"BMW Z3."  
"Ooh, right. My first car was a BMW actually, 316i, rusted to pieces but its engine wouldn't die, even after three hundred thousand kilometres and a few crashes. Shame you've trashed it in the desert."  
"I'm not. Its rubbish, broke down after two miles. And then again after about 11. And the automatic gearbox was absolutely horrid."  
"So secretly you're happy to be here instead of in that cockmobile?"  
"Almost." He sent me a wry smile, there was a glimmer in his eyes there that I hadn't seen before. What was that? Was that a microflirt?  
"Your mates apparently wanted to come by later, with Andy, see how you're doing?"  
"Um.. yeah, sure," he said hesitantly.  
"I told him it would have to be a short visit, and that they would have to behave. Being riled up by those three won't do you any good. And you've hit yourself pretty badly, you need some quiet. I know I'm sounding incredibly mumsy here, but it's my job," I added with an apologetic shrug.  
"You do, a bit," he conceded, ghost of a smile lurking on his face again. "But thank you, all the same. Not sure I'd have the patience for much bollocking out of them right now."  
"Thought so. Andy left his number here, I'll ring him up when this is done."  
The doctor laid down his needle and tongs, and asked me to come around and look at it. Five stitches all neat in a row. It would be covered by his hair anyway so no one would ever know. I stuttered my approval back, and was in return told to bandage his head. Then the doctor hurried out the door.  
"What, is he done?" James looked at the door as it slammed shut.  
"Yes."  
"I barely felt that. Just a bit of.. twitching."  
"The wonders of drugs," I said theatrically and snapped on a pair of leather gloves. "And now, mister May, you are in for one very dorky-looking, huge headbandage."  
"Oh, joy."

After having bandaged James' head I surprised him with a cup of tea. Having been in London many times I had stockpiles of it at home, and had brought loads with me to Syria.  
"What's this?" He accepted the cup with suspicion and gave it a careful sniff. You'll love me for this, I thought. "Tea! Proper tea?!" His face broke out in a wide smile.  
"Yep. PG Tips. Always buy it when I'm in England. Had to bring some here."  
"Wow, I'm.. staggered. Who would've though!" He gave me a genuinely grateful smile.  
After having delivered the cup of tea I went to call Andy letting him know they could come visit, and maybe to bring James some fresh clothes. I had also been brutally honest about the standard of the hospital food, and told him it might be an idea to pick something up for James that was actually edible. I'd left James to relax for a while, and gone to get myself some food and check up on some other patients. The hospital had decided that I only needed to concern myself with this one, "important" patient for the time being. I didn't mind, it had been fairly slow going the past few days.

Voices and laughter emanating from room 302 told me that my patients' visitors had arrived. _Oh god, now the other two are here. Breathe, be cool..._ I knocked loudly on the door. Four faces stared intently at me as I entered, I felt a little blush creep up my neck from being so thoroughly scrutinized.  
"Oh, here she is. Hey guys, this is Emily who I was talking about," James gestured toward me.  
"We've met before," Andy said, and raised his hand in a little wave of recognition. Jeremy already had his huge hand outstretched towards me.  
"Hello, Jeremy," he said politely, shaking my hand firmly. _Whoa, tall, big man._ I turned to the next one, and Richards hand shot out. _God, he really is a cute little hamster._  
"Hello, Richard Hammond," he presented himself with his typical childish grin, my hand received another shake.  
"Hello, everyone, nice to meet you all. I'm Emily, I'm a nurse."  
"Yeah, she.. She cleaned me up, and bandaged me, gave me some drugs... And you won't even believe this, she even brought me PG Tips!" James exclaimed with childish excitement.  
"Oh god, he's in love..." Andy sighed under his breath. The other two burst out laughing while James rolled his eyes. I ignored them, secretly biting back a giggle. _I knew he'd love that._  
"So, how's the head?" I asked James.  
"It's all right. Thinking the anaesthetic might be wearing off, having this dull thumping in the back of my head."  
"That sounds about right. I can get you some more painkillers if you want."  
"Nah, I'll manage."  
"No really," Richard suddenly opened his mouth, sounding determined. "I know we like to muck about and everything, but don't lie here being all brave and manly just because we're here. You shouldn't have to lay here in pain if you don't have to." James looked a little sheepish, having been caught by Richard.  
"This is probably bringing up some bad memories for you, huh?" I looked sideways at Richard.  
"Yeah.. a bit," he said with a shrug of his shoulders, fiddling with his own fingers.  
"For all of you, probably. I'll go get some more paracetamol anyway," I said.

I shooed the three men gently, but firmly out of the door an hour later. They'd behaved fairly well, but I could tell that James was getting tired, eyes drooping and skin going paler. I had informed them that if nothing happened over night James would be discharged the next afternoon, and arranged to call Andy when he could be picked up. After I had waved them off in the car park I returned to James' room.  
"You're probably sick and tired of seeing me by now."  
"No, no, not at all," he said sleepily. _You're too polite to say otherwise._  
"Sorry for throwing your mates out. But you seemed to be getting a bit tired, and...," my voice trailed off.  
"Don't worry, it's okay. I am exhausted, actually."  
"Bad day, it's only natural. I'll leave you in peace, let you get some sleep."  
"How long are you staying around for?"  
"I'm not quite sure, really," I said honestly  
"Well, when does your shift end?"  
"Oh, my shift ended at four."  
"But it's nine now? Why are you still here?" Damn. Why did I tell him that? _Lie, stupid. Lie next time._  
"Well..." I shrugged and felt that blush come creeping again. A light of understanding came on in his eyes.  
"You didn't have to do that, though," he said apologetically.  
"I know. But I wanted to. Anyway, you get some sleep. I'll go find some more painkillers and put them on your nightstand. If you wake up in the night with any pain you might need them."  
"Thank you."  
"I um.. I'll be back here in the morning," I said as James was looking a little forlorn. "Seems you're stuck with me."  
"Damn," he said sarcastically and smiled. I bade him goodnight and went home. Secretly I'd wanted to stay.


	4. Chapter 4

_Oh come on, this shouldn't freak you out. You've seen internal organs. While still in someone. Stop having a panic attack. Get inside._   
I gently knocked on the door of room 302 and opened quietly. It was only a quarter to nine, he might still be asleep and I didn't want to wake him up. Once you'd woken up, the noise from the loud city outside with its shouting , cars, honking horns, car alarms and calls to prayers from minarets wouldn't let you go back to sleep. Unless you had heavy duty earplugs. James was awake, lying on his side, tapping away on his phone. He squinted at the bright light streaming in from the corridors, as the curtains in his room had been shut and kept the room in semi-darkness.   
"Hey, it's just me, Emily. Good morning," I said in hushed tones. Nothing worse than a nurse bursting into your room at the crack of dawn screaming good morning at you.   
"Hey," he replied in a husky morning voice. I switched on the little lamp hanging over the bed, not wanting to blind him by turning on the ceiling lights first thing I did. "Sorry about using the phone..." he murmured apologetically, putting it down.  
"What, you thought I was going to tell you off for breaking the rules?"  
"I don't know. Maybe? Some nurses can be pretty militant and frankly bloody terrifying."  
"My life ambition is not to turn into one of them. So, how did you sleep?"  
"Good, I guess. Woke up with another blinding headache in the night. No idea how long I was awake. The tablets you brought me knocked me out again eventually, though."  
"Yeah, you might have to get used to that headache for the next few days," I said honestly. "Anyway, I just wanted to drop in and say hi, see how you were. Just sleep longer if you want to. And if you're able to in this city's racket. Nothing much is going to happen today anyway; a doctor might check in on you later, just double-check you're ready to be discharged. My guess is you'll be out of here by this afternoon."  
"Yeah, I think I'll probably just.. stay in bed. Still feel pretty tired."  
"You hungry?"  
"I don't know. I probably should eat something," he conceded.  
"Can't offer you much. Mostly jam toast. Unless you're really keen for a stomach infection on top of everything else."  
"Jam toast is just perfect," he said, flinching at the prospect of a tummy bug.  
"Great. Be back in a bit." I brought him jam toast, water and more tea. I balanced everything precariously on top of a stack of towels as I entered his room again. He'd sat up in bed and was absentmindedly scratching at his bandage, deeply immersed in his phone again. When he noticed me he hurriedly put his phone down, looking at me with a "oh-no-you-caught-me-again"-look. "I'm not going to say anything. Just don't ask me for more paracetamol when your head hurts like hell because you've stared too much at that thing." He looked at me pointedly, but didn't say anything. "...what, too militant?"  
"Just a bit," he admitted, holding his thumb and index finger an inch apart to illustrate just how militant I'd been. Wordlessly I placed toast, tea mug and the water bottle next to him on the nightstand. "Ooh, more tea! I take it back, there isn't a militant cell in your body."  
"Thought so," I smirked. "I brought you some washcloths and things. I suspect you might hold off with a shower until you get to the hotel later, but if you wanted a quick wash you have what you need. Andy brought you some clothes yesterday."  
"Thank you," he mumbled through a mouthful of toast.   
"Right, I'm going to sort some stuff, call your mates again and let them know they can pick you up around 3. I'll check in on you every now and then. But try to get some more sleep if you can, sleep is good for your head right now." He nodded his understanding, mouth full of food. 

When I check in on him an hour later, being as quiet as I possibly could, he was fast asleep with his mouth slightly open, breathing deeply. He spent most of the day sleeping or dozing in his bed, while I occasionally checked in on him. The doctor had confirmed that he was discharging him this afternoon, and I'd called Andy to tell him they could come pick him up.

I knocked and opened the door not really waiting for any reply, and lumbered inside re-reading the discharge note Bastién had translated for me. The door slammed shut behind me and I looked up, startled to see four faces looking back at me instead of one. _Bloody hell, I wasn't prepared for this._ "I.. you're early!" I said as I checked my watch, it was only half past two.   
"Yeah, we... thought maybe he was getting a bit bored by now," Andy explained.   
"Hospitals are boring," Jeremy added impatiently in characteristic infantile manner. James was sitting on the edge of the bed, fresh shirt and jeans on, his packed bag ready on the floor. Richard was sitting on the bed next to James while the other two were sitting on chairs.   
"We're not known for being very entertaining. Life-saving, yes. Entertaining, not so much. Listen, the doctor finished your discharge note. I'm adding in the original, but it was in Arabic so I got a friend of to translate it. He's french-arabic so this might need some explaining..." I mumbled, looking at the mess of spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. Richard shot up from the bed and gestured towards it, offering up his seat. "Thank you," I said with a little curtsy and sat down. "So, basically this is just a summary of what happened and what we've done. It says that you came in here because you'd hit your head, been unconscious and a bit disoriented..."  
"A bit?!" Jezza piped up with a laugh. "He had no idea where he was! Or who we were!"  
"...and that you had a gash in your head," I continued, unperturbed. "But this you already know. Furthermore it says that you were checked neurologically and with a CT scan, showing no skull fracture or bleeds, but that you had a bad concussion. It also says that you were given a few stitches and got patched up, plus were given some fluids due to dehydration and some blood loss. So far so good?"  
"Sounds about right," James nodded, the others nodded too.   
"Then it says that you're discharged because symptoms have cleared and you don't require further treatment bla bla bla..." I read through it quickly. "I'm skipping the boring bits. Oh, right: You might have headaches for the next few days, which is very normal. Here's a box of paracetamol, same as you've had here. No more than four a day, though. Apologies for not being able to cough up something more interesting than your basic Panadol." I fished a rattling box of pills out of the pocket on my uniform, which James accepted with a grin. "But, and this is serious - if you get a blinding, crippling headache, or vertigo, or your vision goes blurry..." I shifted my focus from James to the other three. "If you notice that he suddenly becomes disoriented or start acting funny.." Jeremy opened his mouth, but I held up a hand to silence him. "Don't even go there, Jeremy." He shut up, looking stumped. James looked gleeful. "If any of that happens - get him to a doctor, yeah? Quickly." They all looked at me apprehensively, waiting for me to explain why. "His scan was clear and everything, but as I've said before; he did bang his head pretty badly, and even though he seems back to normal now, things can change. It's rare that they do, but still. All right?" I looked at all of them in turn, and they all nodded slowly and gravely. Secretly I kind of enjoyed lecturing them like school boys, and I was glad they were taking it seriously.   
"Also, it's more important than ever that you keep properly hydrated, so drink lots. However, that does NOT include alcohol. No booze for at least three days." James' expression fell a bit. "I mean it. It could go badly wrong. Don't even think about it."   
"Okay. I promise I won't." He said sincerely. Again I surveyed the others in turn, and they all murmured that he wouldn't.   
"All right then. Moving on. That bandage has to stay on until tomorrow at the very least. There's a few gauze pads under there, those should be changed once a day and kept there for about four more days. Just use.. I don't know, a hat or a bandana or something to keep them in place." A pack of square gauze pads was fished out of my "nurses pocket of plenty" and handed over. "Stitches need to be removed in about 10 days. Will you be back home by then?"  
"God, I hope so."  
"Okay. Go to your doctor when you get back and have them taken out. Or an A&E or.. something. Get someone to pull them out with pliers for that matter, just get them out or you're stuck with suture thread in your scalp." James caught a look from Jeremy and raised a finger.  
"No, Jeremy! You are not getting anywhere near my head with pliers or any other implements." Jeremy grinned maniacally.   
"May I suggest the doctor alternative?" I proffered.   
"I have a doctorate!" Jeremy argued.  
"I probably will," James said and then shot me a smile. I drew a deep breath and sat up straight, proffering the papers to James.  
"All right then, that's all I had to tell you, really. So, unless you have any questions or anything, I guess you are a free man." I looked at James as I got up.  
"Wahey, you're out of here!" Richard said in his child-like manner, smiling broadly.   
"That's.. good, great," James agreed, and also got up from the bed. It struck me that this was the first time I'd seen him on his feet since he came in. "Wow, you're really short," he exclaimed looking down at me. _Oh god, not you too._ "I mean, I haven't stood next to you before, and I didn't realise..."  
"It's okay," I waved him down with a laugh. "I can take it. I know I'm short, I've accepted it." Everyone scrambled to their feet and Andy picked James' bag off the floor. Jeremy and Richard thanked me politely for helping their mate, and Andy also thanked me for helping with finding hotels and organising things. I replied that it was my pleasure. James lagged behind.   
"I'll be out in a minute," he called after Andy, who disappeared through the door. Then he turned to look at me. "Listen, I just wanted to thank you for.. everything. You know, I -hitting my head that badly in a place like this, where everything is so unfamiliar, having to go to hospital... It was a pretty frightening prospect, frankly."  
"Would have been for me, too," I said sympathetically.  
"Yeah. Well, when you showed up it just... didn't seem that scary anymore. Taking care of me, staying on late... I owe you a big thanks for all that."  
"Hey, you don't have to thank me. It's my job."  
"Oh, you're programmed to say things like that. But really... Thank you." I felt his hand on my arm, he stroked it gently a few times, looking me in the eyes all the while. "I really mean it" those eyes said. It was a moment of such genuine sincerity. _Don't blush. Don't you dare blush._ I smiled gratefully at him and patted his shoulder.   
"Thank you, James. I'm really glad I could be of help. And it's been very nice meeting you."  
"You too." He took a step forward and his arms just closed around me in a grateful hug. I felt his stubble against my cheek and the warmth of his skin as I wrapped my arms around him too, hugging him gently against me and then running my hands across his back a few times before we broke apart, both wearing embarrassed grins.   
"Um, do you have a piece of paper and a pen?"  
"Er, yeah.. sure," I said, and rummaged around in my pockets. James hastily scribbled something on the scrap of paper and handed it back.   
"Here. That's my um... Phone number. If you feel like it, you can maybe give me a call when you've moved to London? I mean, it can be a bit... rough, moving to a new place. Might be nice to have a friend in the city." My heart went out to him, he seemed so awkward and nervous. I gave him an encouraging smile.   
"Aw, thanks, that's so sweet of you..! You do know I might really take you up on this, yeah?" I waved the piece of paper at him.  
"Yeah, sure, go ahead, just send me a text or just.. call."  
"All right."  
"Right, I better be off."  
"I'll follow you outside."

Bright Syrian sunlight blinded me momentarily as I emerged from the entrance to the hospital, following James' footsteps. Jeremy was sitting on the stone balustrade smoking, Andy was rummaging around in the backseat of some sort of SUV and Richard was leaning against the hood of it, staring into the display of a huge SLR camera.   
"Right guys, ready," James said loudly, blinking somewhat in the dazzling sunlight.  
"OH!" Richard exclaimed, looking up from his camera and spotting the two of us. "Photo of the patient and the nurse! Go on!" He lit up with childish excitement and ran a few steps forwards, camera held in front of him. James rolled his eyes at me.   
"He always does this, takes photos of bloody everything and everyone," he said quietly through the side of his mouth. "Just humour him," he muttered as he stood right next to me and slipped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me a bit closer. Automatically I wrapped my arm around his back and leaned a little into him. We both smiled for the camera, and for once mine wasn't the stiff, fake grin I normally wore in pictures.   
"I'm dying in this heat, can we get going now? The car DOES have air con, right?" Jeremy roared, having finished his cigarette.   
"Yes, Jezza, we're leaving now. Go sit in the car," Richard said, sounding like an impatient parent. Andy was already in the car, its engine running.   
"Okay then.. "James looked down at me, his arm lingering on my back. _This is it. Don't leeeeeave. Hit your head again? Please?_  
"Listen, take care of yourself now, all right? Don't.. get anywhere near towropes or.. rocks.. Just, be careful all right? All of you? And have fun, but not too much fun." I said, trying to sound stern and maternal but somehow it came out more pleadingly than I wanted to.   
"I will, I'll stay on my feet. You take care too, all right? And be safe."  
"I take care of everyone else, I don't have time for myself," I shrugged. "You guys be safe too. Have a good trip, and a good journey home." I patted him on the back, and to my surprise he wrapped both arms around me again in another hug, caressing my back as he did. I could've sworn I heard the click of a camera shutter. He let go, slouched off down the stairs towards the car. He turned around and waved before he got into the back seat. I waved back. And then he was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

Here I sat again, staring at the phone in my hand, trying to make the decision whether to press "send" or not. I had thought about it since the minute I stepped off the plane at Gatwick. That was two days ago. The thought had crossed my mind many times since then. Countless variations on:  
 _"Hi, its Emily, I'm in London now."  
"Arrived in London. All I have in my flat is a bed. Shag?"  
"Help. Lost in Ikea at Wembley in Brent Park. Send search party. Emily." _   
I had deleted all of them, always chickening out.

 _Oh, sod it. Grow a pair. Go for it._  
Send. Message sent. _"Hi. It's time for your five week check-up. How's your head? Nurse Emily."_  
Stunned by what I had just done I sat there, frozen in horror. When the display lit up and the phone started ringing a minute later I nearly threw it away in panic. The display said "James May".  
"Hello?"   
"Hi. Emily? It's James."  
"Oh! Hi!" Duh, of course it was, what was I sounding surprised for?  
"Listen, I'm in the car, driving, so couldn't text you back." I could hear a whooshing in the background, noise from the car and the motorway.  
"Oh, right. No, I've heard that sort of thing is a bit illegal. And dangerous."  
"So have I! My head is completely fine, by the way. Not sure everyone would agree to that, though.." he added as an afterthought.  
"Normal is overrated," I scoffed.  
"Precisely. Listen, I didn't see a country code on your number. You in England, now?"  
"Yeah, I'm in London. In my flat right now, actually."  
"You have a flat! Congratulations! And where is that?"  
"Bloomsbury."  
"Welcome to London then! Bloomsbury is nice. It's not that far from the BBC office actually." He sounded enthusiastic when he spoke.  
"Thank you!" I said smiling stupidly at an empty room. "I arrived a few days ago. Only to discover that the place had a lot less furniture in it than I thought. That is to say, it had no furniture at all apart from kitchen and bathroom fixtures. So I spent all of yesterday in Ikea buying everything from wardrobes to lampshades," I complained. James groaned in sympathy. "They came around with everything today. Fifteen boxes of flat-packed furniture. Then I realized that my toolbox lives back in Norway, and I now live in Lo--"  
"You have a toolbox?" He interrupted.  
"Family of car mechanics, remember? And how sexist of you!" I said in mock offended tones. _You impressed now?_  
"Oh, yes, naturally. Sorry. What was I thinking. Go on."  
"Anyway. Now I'm just sat here on my new bed mentally preparing to go out and buy some tools."  
"Oh god, no, don't," James said flatly. "Waste of money. I have a house full of tools, borrow some of mine?" I was stunned into silence.  
"That's really nice of you, James, but.. You're probably very busy, and.." I tried to protest, but he cut me off.   
"No, I'm not that busy really. Not tonight at any rate. I'm heading in to London as we speak, and I don't have any plans for the rest of the day. I can stop by the house and grab what you need. I'll even help you build some of it, if you want."  
"Ah, I forgot... You probably like building flat-packed furniture, don't you?"  
"Well... A bit..."  
"Listen, that's awfully nice of you, James, I really appreciate it. But you don't have to do that, though. I mean, if you have the night off, I wouldn't want to take up your time..."  
"Oh stop it. I don't mind. More useful thing to do than sit at home staring at the telly." I was running out of arguments.   
"But, I..." I began, not really knowing how to finish the sentence.  
"I need to build something. Do I have to beg?"  
"I.. Okay then. If you really don't mind."  
"Open your boxes and find the build manuals, they should say what you need. Text me a list of it, and your address, ok?"  
"Okay, sure, I'll get cracking with that."  
"I'm about 20 minutes from home. Depending on traffic, I should be there in about an hour."  
"Okay. Just call when you get here, don't have a name on my doorbell yet."  
"See you soon, then."  
"Yeah, see you soon." The line went silent. Yet again I found myself staring stupidly at my phone, trying to get a grip on myself. He was coming here. In an hour. To help me build furniture. Ok, wouldn't have seen that one coming. Suddenly I shot up from the bed and did a mad, celebratory dance around the living room. 

 

I had managed to calm down enough to sit quietly on my bed to read the news on my laptop when my phone went off.   
"I'm here."  
"Yep, be right out." I manoeuvred my way through boxes out of the flat and down the two flights of stairs, desperately trying to persuade my heart to come down from my throat and get back to where it belonged. He was standing on the pavement, leaning against his Fiat, phone in hand, long hair being blown about and into his face. He looked up as he heard my footsteps. It felt like an utterly absurd moment. Last time I had seen him we'd been in Syria, I'd been in a nurses uniform and he'd been scruffy, dusty and bloody. Nurse and patient. And now met again, not in what just felt like another country, but another world all together. I was without my nurses uniform, and almost felt lesser for it. Being a nurse was part of my identity, I knew how to act and handle people in it, it was my job. It gave me confidence. Now I was just a normal person, in jeans and a top. James broke out in a smile when he saw me, and immediately I felt better.   
"Hello!" he said, arms outstretched and I walked willingly into them. I thought he wasn't a huggy person? "It's so nice to see you again!"   
"It's really nice seeing you, too!" I said as I took a step back, hardly daring to look into his eyes for fear it would make me blush furiously. "That was pretty precise! Traffic was all right, then?"  
"You expected me to get lost, didn't you?" He shot me a mischievous look, and I tried for a second to look defiant, but completely broke down in a guilty smile. "Everyone expects me to get lost. But there is such a thing as sat-nav. Plus, the roads was so quiet, it was uncanny! I've never seen London traffic this quiet at 5pm on a weekday. Ever." He opened the back door of the Panda and got a toolbox out as he spoke.   
"Maybe some match on?" I shrugged.   
"I wouldn't know."  
"Me neither. Anyway, come on, let's go inside."   
"Bloody Nora!" He exclaimed as he stood in my little entranceway, taking in the mountain of flat cardboard boxes in my otherwise bare living room. "You really weren't joking when you said 15 boxes, were you?"  
"No I wasn't. Might be more, actually, haven't counted."  
"What even is all this?"  
"Um.. Kitchen table and two chairs, TV-unit-thing, living room table, office desk, nightstand and a big wardrobe. My sofa is coming next week."  
"You would've been sat here building until that sofa arrived."  
"You're probably right," I said and let out a laugh, looking directly into James' eyes for what may have been the first time since he came. I surveyed the living-room and sighed heavily. "God, where do I even begin?"  
"Biggest thing first. Or what's more important. What's more useful to you?"  
"Wardrobe."  
"Sorted, then. Seems like a nice flat, though?"  
"Yeah it is. Pretty tiny, granted, but hey, I'm on a nurses income. It was all done up like last year though, kitchen, bathroom, everything. And I like Bloomsbury, its' kind of a... bookish area, if you know what I mean? Lots of bookstores. Plus, Camden is only up the road."  
"Your school is probably close too, yeah? Should be around here if I remember correctly."  
"No, you're right, it's right around here. Anyway, should we get started with this?"  
We divided up labour, James predictably spent a while looking through the build manual while I figured out which ones of the boxes contained my wardrobe. While building we talked and talked, James about how the rest of the trip through the Middle East, and what he'd been up to since he came home. I talked about how my three months down there had been, what I had learned and why I had wanted to do it. Every now and then our conversations broke off into discussions about how to interpret various graphical illustrations in the build manuals. Incredibly it even turned out that I was right and he was wrong a few times. In any case these discussions often ended in hilarity. We laughed constantly. But despite this, we had the wardrobe up in just over two hours. I started on my kitchen table, James decided to build the TV bench. I warned him he'd be stuck here for another two hours if he went with that, but he did anyway. The conversation flowed easily, we talked about so many things, places we'd been, our interests, our families and friends. I was getting to know him better, know his life and his background, but in some strange way it felt like I'd known him for a while already. Maybe because everything just felt so easy. No, not easy, but.. simple, uncomplicated. I didn't feel the need to put on a mask, be someone I wasn't. There was no games, no theatre. Just two people talking, getting to know each other. It was nearly 10.30 when I sat down on a newly built kitchen chair in the living room, looking at my newly built furniture. The only thing left was the desk, which I had insisted I'd build on my own some other day. James sat down on the other one.   
"Wow. We are pretty good at this," I smiled, feeling impressed.   
"Not bad," James agreed.   
"I would so offer you a beer or.. five, because you deserve them, but I know you have to drive home."  
"We both deserve that, frankly. You built this stuff, too. Oh well, we could always go down to the pub some day, couldn't we?"  
"Yeah, sure! I'd like that." I smiled. "I have actually had such a fun night, building all this. Who knew building furniture could be this much fun?"  
"Well, I did."  
"Well you probably did." We both spoke simultaneously, than broke out laughing.  
"No, but seriously," he said, "I've had a really good night, too. But then again, just about anything can be fun if you have good company." For a minute we just looked at each other, smiling. I was so flummoxed I didn't even know what to reply. James suddenly averted his eyes, looking at the floor and cleared his throat. An awkward silence followed. "So, when do you start your new job? And when does school start?"  
"First shift is in.. um, what day is it today? Thursday? Well, I start Monday. Then school starts next Thursday."  
"Busy week ahead then."  
"Ugh, I'm terrified," I moaned, squirming uncomfortably in my chair. Too honest.  
"What, you?" He raised an eyebrow at me. "I didn't think you could be scared of anything."  
"Whatever gave you that idea?"   
"Oh come on, you went to the Middle East to be an aid worker. Working a hospital in central London should be a cakewalk?"  
"I hate starting new things. Change terrifies me. My first week in Syria I was a ball of anxiety, nerves, homesickness and crying fits. Worst week in my life." What about "too honest" didn't I understand?  
"Starting something new is always scary. Isn't it for everyone? This isn't Syria. It's just London. You were a good nurse in Syria, you'll be just as good here. You'll be fine." He looked at me calmly with tranquil, blue eyes. And for as long as I looked into his eyes I believed him. James looked at his watch and got up from the chair with a sigh. "I better get home, it's getting late. I'll leave the tools, you have a desk to build, I'll drop by and pick them up sometime."  
"Yeah, I appreciate that, that would be great." James slid his leather jacket back on, checked for car keys in one pocket and phone in the other. He sidled towards the door, but stopped halfway, turning around.  
"Listen, I'm going to hold you to the promise of those pints."  
"That's quite all right," I laughed. "Any time you're free - count me in. And again, thanks a million for helping me out. And drive safe, yeah?"  
"It's Captain Slow you're talking too. I'm not the one having accidents, that's Hammonds' job." I laughed. "Have a good night, Emily. See you soon." I waved feebly at him, not daring to give him a hug. He smiled back and disappeared out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

An infernal ringing was slicing its' way into my brain, wringing me out of my dreams. I fumbled blindly on the table after my phone, and brought it up to my ear.   
"Mmm?" I mumbled, the gift of making sounds into words still beyond me.   
"Hello, Emily? Its James."   
"Huh, what?"  
"James. You know, flappy hair, likes cars, built your furniture...?" My eyes sprang open and I nearly rolled out of the sofa.   
"Yeah, yeah, I know now, sorry James, I was just sleeping and god where am I?" I rambled drowsily, trying to orientate myself.   
"The universe, milky way, solar system, planet Earth... Probably in London somewhere? Sorry to wake you up, though."  
"No, no, it's fine, " I said, sitting up and clearing my throat. "It was an unsanctioned nap anyway. I came home and was just watching some TV... Anyway, hi James! Sorry about that, I'm conscious now. How are you?"  
"I'm good, thanks! And you? Apart from disorientated?"  
"Oh I'm good," I said, smiling to an empty room again.  
"Listen, do you have any plans later?"  
"Um.. no, no plans. If you hadn't called I probably would've slept here until tomorrow."  
"I'm sort of in your neighbourhood, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a few of those pints we talked about later? I realise you might not be up for it though, if you were zonked out on the sofa..." He added a little uncertainly.  
"Of course I'm up for it! I'm fine now, actually, I've been asleep for, Jesus, an hour," I said as I checked my wristwatch.   
"Great! I should be done here soon, I could meet you in like.. an hour? Any suggestions where?"  
"Sure, that sounds good. Um, I've heard the Marquis Cornwallis is supposed to be nice.  
Haven't been there myself, though."  
"I know where that is. I'll meet you there in an hour then."  
"All right. See you later, " I said, and the line went silent. Seconds ticked by as I sat there, staring at my now darkened phone. It took me a while to get over the shock that he actually had called me, and even longer to realise that he'd asked me out for pints. _Oh god, is this a date? No. Ridiculous idea. Mates go out for pints. I can deal with that, I can't deal with a date._ I hadn't heard anything from James in the week that had passed since he'd been helping me building furniture. And I had been so busy and tense with starting a new job and starting school that I barely had the excess energy to think about it. But, being honest with myself, I had, and the thought of sending him a text had flitted through my consciousness a few times. He kept surprising me, by giving me his number, by helping me out, by wanting to do things with me. Anyone who wanted to spend time with me surprised me. 

A glass filled with beer landed in front of my nose, tearing my attention away from my book. I looked up and James was smiling down at me, holding his own pint.   
"Hey there!" I smiled and closed my book. James took off his jacket and hung it on the back of the chair before sitting down opposite me.   
"What are you reading that is so incredibly gripping? Something for school?" He inquired, eyeing the book. Out of habit I had stuffed a book into my bag when setting off for the pub, and since I was early I had started reading in it and forgotten the world around me.  
"No, it isn't for school. It's nonfiction though, it's by Jared Diamond. Guns, germs and steel." I offered up the book and he took it out of my hands, studying the cover. "It's basically the story of how we went from berry-eating half-apes to becoming farmers, industrialists, conquerors... You know, social evolution, history of civilization. It isn't as boring as it sounds."  
"No no, this doesn't sound boring at all," James said, reading the blurb on the back.   
"He has an amazing ability to make it fun and interesting. Before reading it I'd never given any thought to how the Eurasian civilizations were always the ones who survived and conquered everywhere else."   
"So this is what girls in their late twenties reads in their spare time now? Wow, the world has actually gone forward."  
"I hardly think I'm a good representative for all girls in their late twenties," I laughed. "I'm just an oddball. Plus, I read another one of his books a few years ago, it was called "Why is sex fun?" James nearly choked on his beer.   
"Sounds.. interesting," he croaked, clearing his throat and smirked across the table.   
"It was!" I laughed and raised my glass to him. "Thanks for the pint. I was supposed to get you beer, though."  
"What the hell happened there?" He said, eyeing my severely swollen, black and blue left index finger.   
"Oh, I... um, built that desk," I mumbled ashamedly, staring into my glass.  
"Were you drunk when you did it?"  
"No, I..." I squirmed in my seat, feeling the blush creeping up my neck. "I just... I was nailing the chipboard onto the back of the drawer section and I kinda... "  
"... missed the nail and hit your hand?" James tried to hold back a gleeful smirk, but failed.   
"A bit," I conceded with a shrug. "Your hammer and I are not friendly anymore."  
"God, you didn't break it, did you?" Again he eyed my finger with a horrified expression. "That fingers looks awful, Emily."  
"No, it isn't broken. I had it checked at work, it's fine. Well, not fine, just not.. broken... Hurts like fuck, though."  
"I know, I hit my thumb with a really heavy mallet once. I apologize on behalf of my hammer."  
"Next time I'm letting you build it," I muttered sadly.   
"Deal. So, how has your first week been? As awful as you thought?" Something stirred in me as he said this, the question held a genuine interest and thoughtfulness that touched me.   
"It's been... intense. And exhausting. Lots of new co-workers to get to know, and new routines to learn. But the people seem really nice, and it doesn't feel so daunting anymore. It's strange how I always think I suddenly won't know anything when I start working in a new country. But nursing is nursing, I guess, no matter what country or language."  
"See? I told you it would be fine. And what about school?"  
"I don't know yet, hard to tell. We were mostly just given information that first day. But the literature we have to read seems interesting, which is a plus; lots of microbiology which is always interesting. I do love me some parasites."  
"You are an oddball," James observed.  
"Takes one to know one," I retorted and had some beer. "So, what brings you to my neighbourhood? Been at work?"  
"Yeah, just been up at the BBC, doing voice-overs. You know, for the films we make, the reviews and challenges. We start filming in the studio down in Guildford in a few weeks."  
"With audience and everything?"  
"Yeah."   
"Do you happen to know how long the waiting list for being in the audience has gotten now?"  
"Dunno. Last I heard it was like nine years or something," he shrugged.   
"Hmm..," I said thoughtfully. "Guess I have about four more years to wait, then."  
"Wait, you've been on the list for tickets? Really?"  
"I've been on it for a few, um... five years, yeah..." I admitted, regretting taking the conversation in this direction. I had never really admitted to James how much I'd watched Top Gear before I met him, the subject just hadn't come up. And I wasn't so sure I wanted it to come up now.   
"You know..." James said conspiratorially, leaning forward and raising an eyebrow. "I think I might be able to get you in."  
"Oh yeah...?" I leaned in as well, looking shifty.  
"Well.. I kind of know one of the presenters."  
"No way! How?" I gasped in disbelief.   
"Well, only distantly, really. He's a bit of an oddball. I'm sure I could fix something, though." he said, still looking dead serious. For a moment we just looked at each other, both obviously struggling to keep a straight face. James cracked first, his eyes crinkling when he laughed loudly. As soon as he cracked I couldn't hold back either, and we shared a laughing fit. "No, really though, "James said as the laughter had died down. "Of course you're coming to the studio some day, if you want to. It'd be fun."  
"Naturally I'd want to!" I couldn't hold back an excited smile. When I thought about it, being called up by James May and asked out for a pint was surreal enough. Going to Guildford and down to the studio and the track would be completely absurd. Oooh, my brother will die of jealousy! As much as I could admit being in a surreal situation, looking at it from the outside, hanging out with James never felt that way. It was just pleasant and relaxing and fun, and oddly familiar.  
"Check if you're working Wednesday two weeks from now, then."  
"Sure," I nodded into my pint.  
"Strangely I haven't really talked to you about cars, much," James pointed out. This was the question I'd been dreading. How the hell do you talk about cars with a bloke with an autistic knowledge of cars, a bloke who has driven just about anything with an engine? He didn't elaborate on his question, he just looked at me, leaving the subject open.  
"Oh god, I don't know much about them really. I grew up in a family of car mechanics, but both my dad and brother refused to teach me how to change the oil or the air filter on my car. I was barely allowed to change my own tyres. I guess I know more about cars than the average female, being somewhat interested in them..."  
"Why wouldn't they teach you?"  
"I don't know. Quicker to just do it themselves, probably. And they're both insufferable pedantic perfectionists, they would never trust me to do it right."  
"Balls to that. You'd be perfectly capable of changing an air filter. You're a nurse, you're responsible for peoples' lives. If they mess up, they car just won't run. If you mess up, people die."  
"Gee, thanks for reminding me." I rolled my eyes at him. "Anyway.. Please don't hate me for this but I did help my brother restoring my granddad's old Beetle. Just little things, putting the windows back in, doing the interior, stuff like that."  
"I'll let you off for that one, seeing as it wasn't your daft idea to restore it, but your brothers'."  
"I suspect he might be a secret anglophile though, his other two veterans are an old MGB and an old series 2 Jag XJ6."  
"What cars do you like, then?"  
"The sad thing is that I can't give an educated answer to that, because I haven't driven any exciting cars in my life. The car I've driven with the most horsepower was probably that old XJ6."  
"Oh god, thats so sad!"  
"I know... The only thing I can say something about is which cars I think are gorgeous, or cool."  
"Okay, do that then."  
"Okay. Hmm..." I pondered a bit, sipping on my pint. "When I was younger I was kinda into american cars. Chevy's, Lincolns, Mustangs, Cadillacs... I grew out of that."  
"Good."  
"I still have a huge soft spot for the Shelby GT500, though. Other than that.. I don't know, I've never been too much into Mercs, it's just for tosspots." James laughed, but waited silently for me to continue. "I was really into WRC racing for a long time, especially when Solberg did well. When one of the events was held in Norway it was literally in my back yard, so I volunteered as a marshal and spent days in the snow, freezing my arse off in -18 degrees. Just to be able to watch cars go by really, really quickly. And it was totally worth it. One of the junior drivers actually parked their Subaru Impreza in my dads' garage that weekend. And I got to be a passenger in it. Briefly, on forest roads, on snow. I think I left some vital organs behind in that car... Definitely the lairiest car ride I've ever had. By light years. But so fucking fun."  
"Fun? You are clinically insane. Balls of steel, but insane. I've never been the same since I hitched a ride with Solberg down that hillside in Lillehammer..." James shuddered.   
"I saw that episode," I laughed. "But yeah, WRC is fun. And I can do a Scandinavian flick, I had a rear-wheel driven BMW for 10 years. Personally, I wouldn't mind having a Porsche... And Alfas are always pretty, Jesus, the 8C looks like a supermodel in a tight red dress. And Jaguars, like the XK... Oh, and the old E-type! Sexy thing. I've never been much into supercars, I haven't drooled over every Ferrari and Lambo out there..."  
"Ultimate dream car, then?"  
"Anything Aston Martin," I replied instantly. "I don't care which one. DB7, DB9, Vanquish, One-77... Doesn't matter. I'd even settle for an old 60's DB4 if it was in perfect nick. They must be the sexiest things ever made, the Astons'. I think my ultimate wet dream when it comes to cars would be to just drive an Aston Martin. Just once, to feel what it was like." For a moment I gazed dreamily into the distance, leaning my head on my hand. Feeling James' gaze on me I tore myself out of my reverie. "Right, sorry, I'm back now. Another pint?" James also seemed to have been lost in thought for a moment.   
"Um, yeah, sure." I scrambled out of the pub sofa and got us another round of pints. We spent the rest of the night talking, conversation flowing as easily as it always seemed to do. After our third pint we decided to call it a night, I could tell James was getting as tired as me. Before saying goodnight we agreed that, provided I had the day off, I would come with James down to Guildford two weeks later to the studio. James got into a cab and I walked home, feeling far too drunk for someone who just had three pints.


	7. Chapter 7

When I saw that my alarm had gone off at 7:30, my first thought was that I'd overslept for work where shifts started at 7. Slowly it dawned on me that I wasn't going to work, but going to Guildford with James. My normal gloomy early-morning tiredness evaporated at the thought of this, and I bounced out of bed. James had offered to come pick me up, but I'd flatly refused, as picking me up would've just been a huge detour for him, and through chaotic morning traffic. I was going to take the tube out to Hammersmith and he'd pick me up there. It was about an hours' drive from Hammersmith, and we'd decided to leave around 9, hopefully most of the morning traffic would've cleared up by then. The tube was crazy busy at this hour as well, and it was already a quarter past nine when I emerged from the tube station and regained a phone signal. I immediately called James.  
"Sorry, I'm late! Mad tube! Am outside the um.. Broadway.. something. You around?!"   
"Kind of.." he replied mystically, and I span around, wild-eyed scanning the scenery. He was standing next to his car just 40 feet from me, looking amused. "Stressed much?" He said, loud enough so I could hear him over the din of traffic. I hung up the phone and stuffed it into my pocket.   
"I have felt the urge to violently stab people many, many times already this morning," I grumbled as I approached him. Then I discovered the car he was standing next to and squealed excitedly. It was his white Porsche Carrera S.   
"About bloody time you had a ride in one of these," he grinned. "Go on, get in."  
"Do you know you've been parked at a taxi spot while waiting?" I asked as I got into the car.  
"Yes. Perks of being on the telly." When I had sat down in the car I took a look around, amazed. Comfy leather bucket-seats and gorgeous, luxurious-looking interior. Exactly like I'd expected. "Ready?" James smiled, looking excited like a little schoolboy. He started up the car, and I clapped my hands excitedly.   
"This is already the best day ever!" I exclaimed as James slowly pulled out into traffic. Even though it was slow moving, the sounds of the car made my heart rate quicken. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining from a bright, blue sky, which was a rarity for London. I sat on tenterhooks, sensing the cars every little movement as we weaved our way out of London and the road finally opened up onto the A3. We hadn't driven for long when James pulled into a service station. Assuming he needed to get fuel or something, I remained seated and studied the dashboard again.   
"Come on, out you get."   
"I.. what for?" I frowned.  
"You're driving."   
"What?! I .. No way." I said flatly, but he just looked at me stubbornly. "Come on, James. This is your baby, I can't..."   
"Oh shut up and get out," he broke me off and without further discussion got out of the car. After a moments hesitation I scrambled out of the passenger seat. "You're mad, you know that?" I said as we passed each other to swap seats. With sweaty palms and my heart pounding in my ears I sat down in the drivers' seat, and fumbled about for the controls that would adjust the seat. When I was finished I looked up at James, who was waiting patiently.   
"Ok, anything particular I should know?"  
"Well, before we can go you first you have to learn our secret handshake and our codex by heart.. "James began, and I laughed. "Just drive, woman, and follow the signs for Guildford for now." Carefully, as if I was handling a bomb, I tread on the clutch, put it into gear and tried to make it move. Being used to cars as old as I was, everything about this was a lot tighter and precise. Slowly I rolled out of the service station and made my way back onto the A3100, pleased that I hadn't stalled it or done some other stupidity.   
"Emily - breathe," James reminded me perceptively, and he was right - I had forgotten to. I drew a deep breath and tried to lower my shoulders.   
"God, I'm terrified."  
"You're doing fine, you're moving and not driving into things. Good start," James encouraged. After that James kept quiet, leaving me to get to know the car and what it was like to drive it in peace. I was wide-eyed and giddy, but also extremely anxious. A car like this was incredibly expensive, and in the beginning I was terrified of every other car on the motorway, and highly doubting my own driving skills  
"I can't believe I'm driving a Porsche," I squealed excitedly after a while, when I had loosened up enough to start enjoying it.   
"And you're doing it very slowly, I might add. British motorways actually have a speed limit of 70. Honestly, they call me Captain Slow but... at this rate you'll be Major Slow by the end of the day." Feeling a little blush creep up my neck, I decided not to work towards the nickname of Major Slow and put my foot down. The car responded within milliseconds and my stomach swooped excitedly.   
"You asked for it," I warned, not looking at James but keeping my eyes on the road.   
"Yes. And please point that out to Jez and Hammond if it comes up, they'd be interested to know I have actually told someone to speed up for once." Despite being spurred on by James I never accelerated much past 80, not wanting to get a speeding fine on top of crashing his car. 

We arrived at the industrial park in Dunsfold half an hour later, and James pointed to where I should park. The car park held an astonishing array of cars, from some of the bonkers contraptions James, Jez or Hammond had built for a challenge, via normal everyday cars to a Pagani Zonda of some description.   
"Jeremy and Richard isn't here yet, by the looks of things," James said and got out of the car. "Come on, I'll show you round." He lead me into the hangar, which they used as a studio. It was largely empty apart from a few technicians milling around with cables and lights. In the middle of it was the little "stage" with the seating arrangement I'd seen on telly hundreds of times. It still gave me a thrill to see it in real life. Other than that the studio was incredibly bare, apart from some lighting and camera equipment and a few wrecks from previous seasons. The cool wall was tucked into a corner. "Doesn't look like much, huh?"   
"Nah, this is one of the things I always liked about Top Gear. Instead of being in some comfy studio with fake backgrounds... This is just what it is. Stripped down, down to earth, and you use your audience as your backdrop, to create the set around you. It's a nice break from every other TV-show out there. Why make it complicated."  
"I never thought about it like that before. That we use the audience as backdrop like that. It just started as a result of getting people as close as possible so everyone could see something."  
"I studied media and communications for three years. I think of these things."  
"Is there anything you haven't studied?"  
"Economy. I could never be arsed to." We did a quick walk around the studio and I fiddled about with the cool wall. Then we made our way back into the car park and towards the "production office" opposite. Once inside I spotted Andy, talking eagerly on the phone. A guy about my own age came bounding up to us, smiling.  
"Hi, James! Want a cup of tea?"   
"Yeah, sure..." James said.  
"And your friend...?" the man asked, looking awkwardly at me. Obviously, James bringing female friends along wasn't an everyday occurrence.   
"Oh, Emily, this is Alex, production assistant and way too perky in the morning. Alex, this is Emily, we met in Syria, she patched me back up when I banged my head a bit."  
"No way! I've heard about you! Nice to meet you!" He smiled widely as he shook my hand eagerly. "So, want a cup of tea too?"   
"Nice to meet you too. Yes please, tea would be lovely," I blushed and Alex disappeared. Andy just finished his phone call and he approached us, looking intently at me.   
"Is that...? James, is this the nurse from Syria?" He looked at James, flabbergasted, and then looked at me. "Emily, was it?"  
"Yeah," I nodded and reached out a hand, smiling. Andy grabbed it and even pulled me in for a quick hug.   
"I can't believe it! Hello!" He smiled sincerely. "So nice to see you again! Listen, I cannot thank you enough for helping us out in Syria, dunno what would've happened to James or where we would've stayed if it wasn't for you."  
"Oh, I'm just glad I was able to help," I smiled. "I'm sure James would've been just fine even if I wasn't there." Alex returned with mugs of tea that we accepted gratefully.   
"Listen, I need a word," James said, grabbing Andy's arm and leading him away out of earshot. I trailed behind, wondering vaguely what they were whispering about. They both returned seeming secretive, but trying to hide it.   
"Come on," James said, gesturing to the door. "I need a fag." We sat down on the stairs of the production office, and James lit one up. He looked out onto the car park, and then out onto the track, partly visible in the distance.   
"Wow, what a day," I sighed happily, and fished a pair of sunglasses out of my bag. The skies were blue and completely void of clouds, and the sun was actually warming quite well, being this late in September. "Probably the last day of warm sunshine for about nine months." Silence fell, and I quietly enjoyed my cup of tea and the warm rays of sunshine, and James' company. James broke the silence.   
"You said you knew how to do a Scandinavian flick."  
"Huh, what?" I had been lost in my own thoughts, and his voice brought me back to reality. "Yeah, I d-- well, I did, in my old rear-wheel driven BMW, yeah." I admitted.   
"I bet you can't do one in my Porsche," he said with an evil smirk.   
"And I am not going to try!" I said flatly.  
"Oh come on!" He shouted. "This is a closed-off track! You can't hit anything apart from patches of grass! You've never driven on a track, have you?"   
"Um.. no. Just.. forest roads with far too many trees. And a frozen lake, once."   
"Well, next to a frozen lake, this is the safest place to let loose and go bonkers."  
"James, no. I might have tried, if I was completely alone and no one in the world could see me. With a car I wasn't terrified of breaking."  
"We have people out here all the time who doesn't have the first clue about driving a car around a track. And most of them wouldn't even know what a Scandinavian flick was, let alone know how to do one. Come on, let's do a few laps. I won't time you, I'll just... point you in the right direction.  
"....you?" I smirked, looked at him sideways.   
"Contrary to popular opinion I do know my way around this track," he argued and had a last drag of his fag before flicking it away across the tarmac. Disliking the idea of being ordered by James to speed up again I stood up resolutely and shot him a determined stare.  
"Fine. Let's go." James smiled and got up, then stuck his head inside the production office to tell Andy he was taking me out to the track. 

"I reckon there are some knobs and dials in this car that can be set to "sport"? " I smirked as I had buckled in.   
"Hey, that's a thought, actually," James agreed and started fiddling about with various settings. "There. Go." The first couple of rounds James just guided me through the track, and I drove it slowly, just trying to imagine where the racing lines would be. Turn into a corner, kiss the apex, let it run wide, brake as late as possible. Flat down through there. Keep inside the lines. I'd heard it all before, having watched an innumerable amount of celebrities trying to drive their best in some cheap Kia. But this was different. At least I had driven the car for half an hour before going out on the track. But it had changed now, it was more responsive on the accelerator, revving up faster, everything about it was just faster, angrier. And I absolutely loved it to death. By round four James shut up, realising his constant jabbering wasn't helping me focus at all. Steadily I got braver, starting to feel somewhat in control, and like I could test its limits. Two laps later I proved I was in control by managing my first proper Scandinavian flick, accelerating through it and correcting out of it. I was so thrilled and pleased with myself I squealed and laughed loudly, speeding up even more, going for the next powerslide, and then a counter slide. I had forgotten all about James being with me, and pushed the limits even more. But after barely having managed to save a slide that had been dangerously close to wobbling out of control, I slowed down, and inhaled deeply. "Iiii'm going to quit while I'm ahead now," I panted, remembering I had a passenger. "Before we both go up in a big, fire-y ball of smoke."   
"I would die a very, very excited man if we did," James said weakly as I manoeuvred my way out of the track and towards car park. "Oh look, Laurel and Hardy has arrived," he sighed. Jeremy and Richard had been leaning against a fence, tea in hand, watching me driving. In the rear-view mirror I could see them shuffle towards us. James was out of the car first.   
"See, I told you James wasn't driving," I heard Jeremy say, obviously in the middle of an argument. "James doesn't drive like that."  
"Okay granted, but who the hell would he actually allow to drive his car? Must be the Stig. Maybe his mother," Richard maintained. I unbuckled my belt with shaky hands and got out of the car, feeling wobbly and dizzy from the adrenaline rush.   
"Looks more like the Stig's girlfriend." Jeremy retorted dryly, looking at me without recognizing me. Richard obviously did, and smiled widely.   
"Oh my god, it's the nurse! Er... Emily, was it?" His hand shot out and he shook mine enthusiastically. Privately I was impressed he remembered, and not at all surprised that Jeremy didn't. Jeremy still seemed confused, and looked to Richard for an explanation.   
"You know! In Syria! When James got a knock on the head...? The nurse in the hospital!" Realisation dawned slowly in Jeremy's face, and he exclaimed with surprise.   
"Emily! Of course! I know now. I'm sorry, I'm terrible with ... faces and such," he apologised, also shaking my hand.   
"Early onset Alzheimers can present itself in the early fifties, can't it, Emily?" Richard threw me a sideways glance of mirth, and then looked at Jeremy.   
"So I've heard," I grinned.   
"What on earth did you say or do to persuade him to let you out on the track in his car?" Richard inquired. James opened his mouth, relieving me of the obligation to answer.   
"Seriously, she's never driven anything more exciting than a bloody Jaguar XJ6 from the mid-seventies. And never driven on a track. I can't just stand idly by and not do something to rectify that kind of injustice."   
"I know. It's horrible," I said aggrieved, hanging my head in shame and sorrow. "How did I do, though?" I asked, biting my lip nervously, looking at James and then to the other two.   
"Quite brilliantly from where I was standing," Richard said supportively. "If that was your first time on a track I'm impressed."   
"She grew up driving on the snowy forest roads of Norway. In a rear wheel drive," James pointed out. "I guess it's the same for the Norwegians as for the Fins, might just be in their blood. "  
"How did you get in touch with her again, James?" Richard asked, evidently unable to stifle his curiosity any longer. Innocently he lifted up his cup of tea, but I picked up on the teasing glint in his eye.   
"Um.. Back in Syria she told me she was moving to London eventually to go to school and work a bit, so..," James began, but trailed off, uncertain how to continue.   
"So we swapped numbers. You know, in case he should hit his head again trying to help one of you guys out. Or if I got lost in a new city. " I supplied. James looked at me gratefully.   
"So you live in London now?" Richard asked.  
"Yeah, I have for about a.. what? A month now?" I looked at James for confirmation.   
"Yeah, a month sounds about right. Listen, excuse me for a minute, I'll be right back," James said and walked off, disappearing around the hangar. Richard and Jeremy asked me questions about where I worked, what school I was going to, if I liked London. Polite small talk as it was, they seemed somewhat interested in the conversation.   
"Ohohooo, I think you're in for a surprise," Jeremy suddenly grinned, looking at something behind me. "If you're into Astons, that is." I could hear the noise from an oncoming car behind me at the same times as Jeremy had spoken. I spun around, nearly breaking my neck in my hurry to see. There it was, the love of my life, rapidly approaching me; a dark grey DB9 was gliding towards me, engine purring loudly. For a moment I lost it completely and had a wild fangirl moment, jumping up and down and clapping my hands excitedly. James clambered out of it, looking slightly proud of himself.   
"If she's getting a driving education from me, I'm going to do it properly," he exclaimed when he stopped the car and got out of it.  
"I don't think she can hear you," Richard observed.   
"Oh god, you sexy thing... " I breathed, completely transfixed by the car. I walked slowly around it, running my fingertips lightly over the bodywork, taking in every detail. I came to a halt next to James, who was standing behind the open car door. For once I was speechless, all I could manage was to send him the most grateful look could manage, smiling so widely my face hurt.   
"Go on, get in," James nodded in the direction of the car. When I made to walk around the car to the passenger side he tugged at my jacket and pointed. "No no. In here."  
"Really?" I said in disbelief. "... can I, really?" James just nodded and stepped out of the way, handing me what looked like a little chrome brick on a keychain. "... is this the key?"  
"Kind of. You slot it into the little... thing on the dashboard that says "ignition start", and you can start it," Richard explained helpfully, as Jeremy guffawed at my ignorance. Reverentially I sank down into the leather seat, just taking in the interior. I felt like a peasant who had stomped into a Gucci boutique in her mucky wellies - completely and utterly out of place.   
"Go on, start it!" James urged, standing on the other side of the car, passenger door opened. Nervously I fiddled about with the starter-thing, and it slot into place.   
"Just press it?" My voice was panic-stricken from excitement.  
"Yes!" All three intoned. With a shaky finger I pressed the button, and the sound of a 500 break horse power Aston Martin-engine roaring into life filled my ears. I leaned my head back against the headrest, closed my eyes and bit my lip, but couldn't hold back a loud, passionate moan.  
"Oh gooood, I am going to have a crisis!" I gripped hard on the steering wheel and squirmed in my seat, taking in the amazing sound. I was fully aware of how this looked and sounded to the other three, but I hadn't been able to hold back this display of arousal this car brought out in me.  
"You know, if you don't fancy another go on the track with Captain Slow here, I'm willing to go with you," Jeremy suddenly offered, trying to sound generous but instead sounding desperately eager.   
"Or, if you don't want an amoeba shouting "POWEEER" at you for the entire time, I'm happy to come with you, too!" Richard added, nudging Jeremy out of the way.   
"Hm..." I said, pretending to think it over. "You know... Sometimes, slow isn't necessarily a bad thing," I winked. James, realising he was the chosen one, got into the passenger seat. "Sorry, boys," I waved at them, biting my lip innocently and gave them a apologetic look then closed my own door. Again I inhaled deeply, trying to steady my nerves and excitement.   
"So. First time with a flappy-paddled gearbox. Right to change up, left to change down?" I inquired. James had to clear his throat a little to answer, seeming flustered.  
"Yep. No clutch here, just foot on brake, tap the right paddle once for first gear and tread on the accelerator. Gently," he added as an afterthought.   
"Oh, no need to tell me," I mumbled. Even more wary than with the Porsche I trod on the brake and pulled the right paddle towards me, released the brake and the car started rolling slowly forwards. Light as a feather I touched the accelerator.  
"I am driving an Aston Martin!" I shouted, hands shaking with nerves.   
"Good, good," James said calmly. "Second gear now."   
"Just to make sure, how many gears?"   
"Six."  
"Thanks. I knew that," I scoffed. "Oh god, this flappy paddles are going to take some getting used to."  
"Take your time, you get into it quickly. Just drive around the track and have fun. Not expecting any Scandinavian flicks this time."  
"You're hoping I won't do any, more like," I smirked.   
"A bit," he conceded. Most of that first ride in an Aston would always be a blur to me, for the rest of my life. I would never have guessed that driving a car, which from an objective point of view was just bits of metal and plastic and carbon fibre you could move about with, could be such an emotional experience. Getting used to the flappy paddles was the worst bit, I had driven a stick shift all my life, and figuring out how to gear properly while remaining some speed took a while, and I was impatient. I wanted to go fast. Finally I started to get the hang of it, and after a few bad attempts I managed to get the back end to kick out properly into a long slide.   
"Weeeee poweeeeer!" I squealed excitedly.   
"You are turning into Jeremy. That is our cue to get off the track. Before we all die horribly," James said sternly. I couldn't really complain, we'd been out on the track for half an hour already, and all this intense focusing on driving was starting to take its toll.   
"All right," I laughed and decelerated, turning off the track and headed back to the car park. Jeremy, Richard and even Andy made their way towards us, and Richard tore the driver door open.   
"So? Whaddayathink?" He smiled, demonstrating his amazing ability to act like an over-excited toddler. I didn't respond, I just sat there for a minute, breathing heavily, eyes closed.   
"What have you done to her?" Richard asked in a mock angry tone, looking across the car roof to James who had just gotten out.   
"Nothing! It was the car! I think she's had at least two um... episodes... Loud ones..." James mumbled. Unable to keep a straight face I broke out laughing and nearly fell out of the car, using the car door and Richard as support as I tried to regain balance on wobbly jelly-legs.   
"Guys... I apologise but I think I might need a post-coital cigarette after that experience." An awkward silence fell as three grown men went slightly red and stared at the tarmac, shuffling their feet. James rounded the car and came to a halt next to me.  
"I take it you had fun then?"   
"Oh god, thank you, thank you, thank you," I rambled, and completely unable to stop myself I threw myself at him, wrapping my arm around his neck and hugged him tightly. Thankfully he caught me and closed his arms around my back, hugging me back.   
"Hey, you're welcome," he stuttered, sounding surprised. To my horror I realised that I was actually sobbing.   
"Is she crying?" Jeremy asked, horrified.  
"I think so," James replied over my shoulder, still holding me.   
"See! That's the proper reaction to have when you've driven your dream car!" Richard exclaimed approvingly.  
"God, I'm sorry," I said as I let go of James and hastily wiped my face with the sleeve of my jacket. I knew I was blushing and averted my eyes, not wanting to meet the gaze of any of them.   
"It's all right, we've all had a good cry after an emotional driving experience," Richard said comfortingly and put an arm around my shoulder, patting my upper arm.   
"Psh, speak for yourself," Jeremy grumbled.   
"Twenty-four hour endurance race in that BM--" James began.   
"Yes all right! Can we move on and read through this script now? I have a television show to make," he waved, and I gave a sound between a sob and a laugh. Richard let me go and they turned in the direction of the production office. James lingered for a second, looking at me intently as if to make sure I was all right, and that he hadn't missed any reasons for my sudden outburst of emotions.   
"Thank you," I mouthed at him, taking hold of his hand briefly and giving it a squeeze, then smiled at him.   
"My pleasure," he said quietly, so the others couldn't hear him, also smiling. He squeezed my hand back and nodded towards the production office. "Come on." He didn't let go of my hand as we made our way across the parking lot.


	8. Chapter 8

The four of us were sitting on the steps of the production office watching a rather splendid sunset. The filming was over, they audience had left and we sat enjoying a last cup of tea before everyone went home. We laughed and joked about lines that had gone wrong and other general cock-ups that had happened during the filming. I'd been in the audience, but been placed at the front due to being short, and always hovered somewhere close to James, and soon he'd employed me as personal "holder of things" like scripts or his phone. It had been a long day, and so filled with surreal, emotional and exhausting experiences I felt drunk with tiredness.  
"So, had a good day?" Richard asked, peering down at me.  
"You have no idea!" I sighed, tired but happy. "It's been insane. But so much fun! I have no idea how to thank James enough for this. Or any of you."  
"Your reaction when James rolled out that Aston was thanks enough! You should've seen yourself," he laughed. Jeremy suddenly started talking, apparently not having paid attention to our conversation at all.  
"By the way, James, how did that date of yours go this weekend?" He asked casually in a, peering innocently at him over his paper cup of tea.  
"Aaw, Jeremy!" Richard complained in a whinge.  
"The adult answer to that would be: none of your bleedin' business. But knowing you won't settle for that, here's a shorter one you might understand: Sod off, Clarkson," James finished surly, not looking at him. Privately I'd felt a stab of disappointment and surprise. He hadn't denied being on a date. And why should he? Of course he was dating, why wouldn't he. I realised I didn't know why it was bothering me. Was it because he hadn't told me about it? That I didn't know everything that went on in his life? Of course I didn't, I barely knew him. We'd known each other for a month. Well, a few, if you counted from when we met in Syria. This was only the fifth time we met and spent time together. Me feeling so familiar with him, like he'd been my mate for years, didn't change that.  
"All right, sheesh. Can't have been a good one, with that attitude." He took a deep drag of his cigarette, and turned his attention over to me instead. "What about you, then?"  
"Huh? What about me?" I was confused.  
"Married? In a relationship? Single? Lesbian? Nun in liberal, but celibate religious order? Asexual?"  
"...Jeremy... Please shut up..." Richard whimpered, so exasperated he didn't know what to do with himself.  
"Forever alone, it seems," I sighed.  
"Really?" Jeremy raised an eyebrow and let smoke out between his lips. "How long? Since you were in a relationship, I mean."  
"Um.. Four years." I counted the years, horrified that it had been that long. Jeremy whistled and gave me a sympathetic frown.  
"What happened?"  
"He died," I said simply. If he was so desperate for frank conversation he was going to get it.  
"Bloody hell," he exclaimed, staring at me an extra second to make sure I wasn't pulling his leg. "Wow, I'm sorry," he muttered when he realised I wasn't joking, he understood he'd stepped in it.  
"Will you please just... shut up now?" Richard squeaked, exhausted.  
"Yeeeees, yes, I'll shut up. One can't keep a proper conversation with any of you," he smirked, got up and threw his fag end away. "I'm going home! To a bottle of wine!" He declared. Richard looked at his watch and bounded up as well, not realising how much the time was. They both said their goodbyes and drove off five minutes later.

"Wow, I really killed that conversation," I observed in the silence that had followed their departure.  
"Nah, Jeremy managed that all by himself," James shrugged, keeping his eyes on the sunset. "He can be such a tosspot. I apologise on his behalf," he added apologetically.  
"Oh, it's all right, I'm not easily offended. And frankly I prefer people being direct. I hate conversations where you're not quite sure what is being said between the lines." A long silence fell, not an uncomfortable one, just a pleasant one. It was a welcome relief from all the chattering and noise that had filled the studio all afternoon.  
"Emily?"  
"Mm?" I mumbled, lost in thought."I... I don't mean to be nosy, but... What happened to your... boyfriend? The one that died? If you don't mind me asking." I could tell he'd been wondering if he should ask or not. Maybe my comment about people being direct had given him the courage to ask.   
"No, no, it's fine, I don't mind talking about it. Cancer. Third time recurrence. We were together for about 18 months, then we broke up, mainly because I hated myself so much I had no clue how to love anyone else, when I couldn't even like myself." At this James frowned quizzically. "Long story. A different story. Anyway, somehow we managed to go from being a couple and back to being friends, and I think he became even closer to me because of that, he knew me like no one else did. His family became like my extra-family, and he was kind of a.. soul-brother. He died after six days in the hospital, me and his mum holding his hand, five months after he was told he was terminal. He was 20, I was 23. But in most areas he was infinitely older and wiser than me. Maybe living with the threat of dying hanging over you for five years will do that to you." I drew a sigh, thinking back to a period in my life I hadn't considered for a long time. Sensing I wasn't finished, James kept quiet. "We were best mates for a few years, I spent an entire summer with him in a cancer hospital while he was on chemo, just to keep him company. Passing the time watching Top Gear episodes, incidentally," I added with a sad smile. "He died saying he still loved me. He said so even before he knew he was dying. I argued that I didn't have romantic feelings for him anymore, that he was more like my brother, or my best mate, or a combination of the two. He argued back that "wasn't that the way every long-term relationship ended up feeling like?" I refused to accept that. Thinking he didn't really mean it, he was just desperate, he was dying after all. If I knew I was going to die soon I'd want nothing more than to feel loved, to not be alone. I still don't know if I did the right thing. Maybe I was just a coward. Maybe losing a best friend seemed so much.. more bearable than losing a boyfriend. I told him he was stubborn, but maybe I was. Maybe I was just a coward who denied my best friend the last love of his life. And often I panic, thinking I refused to love the only one who seemed to be prepared to spend the rest of his life with me. Even before he knew how short it would be. And maybe my punishment is that no one will ever love me again." I had no idea what had caused me to spill my heart like this to him. The fact that he had still been in love with me when he died was something I had told very few people. The silence was deafening, I hadn't looked at James while I was talking, but looking inwardly, at my own ghosts and demons. "You are regretting ever asking, aren't you?" I said with an understanding smile, looking at him.  
"What, no. I... No, I'm not," he said firmly, and put his arm around me shoulders. "I'm just... I don't know what to say."  
"It's okay. There isn't thing you can say, I guess," I shrugged, and leaned a bit into him. He kept his arm around me as we sat there in silence for a while.  
"You know, I think ... I think it took a lot of courage, doing what you did. Sticking to your principles, and your emotions, and what you felt was right. Instead of just giving in to what you thought you should do, out of pity or mercy or compassion. You stayed with him, but on your own terms, you loved him as a friend. Getting back together with him, on false premises, just pretending, because you felt bad for him... It was more love in what you did."  
"Yeah...?" I said, looking at James with a silent plea, feeling my throat close and the familiar sting of tears in my eyes. What was I doing, crying over this again? I'd wasted so much time doing that already, and I couldn't change what had happened.  
"Yeah," James nodded silently, squeezing my shoulders gently. "And the bit about how no one ever will love you again, that is just absolute twaddle. Your friend was smart, he saw how amazing you really were. Honestly, there aren't that many smart blokes out there, hence it takes more time to find them." I made an awkward sound, somewhere between a chuckle, a sob and a sigh, and leaned my against James' shoulder a moment.  
"Thank you," I sniffed. "Sorry for just.. throwing all this on you, and becoming all emotional and existential."  
"It's okay. I did ask what happened," James soothed.  
"Yeah, that'll teach you," I smiled, and we both laughed. The sun had just gone down, and instantly the air felt chillier.  
"Ready to get out of here? Go back to London?" I nodded and we scrambled to our feet. When we reached the car James halted. "Want to drive?"  
"As much as I am in love with your car, I'll pass. I have reached my limit for luxury-car driving for today. Plus, I don't fancy having to drive into London traffic." We buckled in and silence fell as James weaved his way out of the industrial park. I looked out of the window at the blue light of dusk that I had always loved so much.  
"You know, your mate was a bit of a twat, banging on about still loving you when he knew he was dying," James suddenly said matter of factly, having thought it over.  
"I know!" I agreed. "He even said so himself, that he was mean for telling me when we both knew he was dying. And that he didn't really expect me to come back to him, knowing I'd lose him soon. But even so, he did tell me, and I can't really blame him for it. If you knew you were leaving soon, wouldn't you make sure everyone you loved knew about it?" James didn't reply for a while, thinking.  
"Yes. I would. I probably would have done something ridiculous and desperate if I was him, like proposed to you or something."  
"There's the silver lining I've been looking for. "At least he didn't propose!" We broke out in a liberating laugh that swept away the sadness and the seriousness the topic had brought with it. I turned on the radio, and absentmindedly looked as cars and lights sped past, reliving the day in my head as I smiled without even knowing it. All the experiences of the day had made me exhausted, but happy, like I a five year old who had spent all day in an amusement park.

"Emily. Emily?" I couldn't tell what I registered first, James' voice calling my name, or his hand on my arm, gently trying to rouse me. Groggily I opened my eyes and looked around, trying to remember who I was, as well as where, when and why.  
"Bwuh?" I mumbled, looking at him drowsily.  
"We're here. You're home." He smiled a little at my sleepy face. He was right, this was indeed my street. I must've fallen asleep without even knowing it.  
"Oh... right." I sat up straighter and yawned. Now that I wasn't asleep anymore I suddenly felt cold, and closed my jacket closer around me. "You didn't have to do that, though, I could've gotten off in Hammersmith. Taken a bus or the tube back."  
"I didn't have the heart to wake you up, only to make you get the bloody bus home," he said mildly. "I'm not a cock." I let out an involuntary laugh.  
"Thanks a lot, James. And, thanks for taking me down to the studio today. I can actually tick off a few boxes on my bucket list now, thanks to you."  
"Bucket list?"  
"You know.. The list of all the things you want to do before you kick the proverbial bucket."  
"Oh, right. Well, glad to help. Was fun having you along, though. You're welcome to come with me again, if you want to."  
"Yeah, I might do that.. I had a great day." Why was everything feeling awkward now? Maybe because I didn't want to go, I didn't want him to leave.  
"I had a good day too," he said.  
"Drive safe, yeah?" I urged as I unbuckled my belt and made to get out of the car.  
"You're just worried about the car," he teased.  
"Well, that too... Mostly that."  
"Good night, Emily," he said, sounding almost sad. God, I hated leaving him, and I hated myself for hating it.  
"Night, James." With effort I got out of the car without hugging him, and closed the door behind me. James didn't drive off, but waited until I was safely inside before pulling back out into traffic.


	9. Chapter 9

After that day down at the test track, James and I seemed to be on the phone to each other almost daily. He'd gotten into the habit of calling me whenever he was in his car, driving to or from somewhere. Especially when he was on his way home after a day down in Guildford. In return I called him during my walk to or from the hospital. I desperately wanted to come with him to the studio again but suddenly I seemed to work every damn Wednesday. The conversations weren't necessarily long, or particularly profound or important, but they didn't have to be  
"Hey. This a bad time?"  
"Hello! No, no, just elbow-deep in bike parts, trying to figure what is wrong with this old heap of...." James grumbled, sounding frustrated.  
"Call Doctor Who. Or a mechanic. But I know either of those is equally impossible to you, so all I can say is good luck, really."  
"Thanks. So, what are you up to?"  
"Walking home from work. Well, nearly home, actually. "  
"Thought you had today off?"  
"I did, but they called this morning, desperate for help. I agreed to take this shift instead of going in tomorrow, gives me two whole days off in a row!"  
"Woooow," James said in mock awe. While talking I had reached my door and locked myself in, then checked my letterbox.  
"Hey, don't knock it, between work and school I haven't had two days off in a row since I-- Oh shit...!" I had been reading a piece of paper I had found in my letterbox and had stopped in my tracks, horrified.  
"What's up?"  
"I've been given a neighbourhood warning by the girl on the ground floor. She's having a massive party tomorrow night in her flat AND the backyard, apparently. Fifty plus guests. How is it even possible to know that many people? People you would actually want to invite to a party?"  
"Go downstairs and join it? She'd never know you were there with that many people."  
"She is a 21 year old girl who is into rave music...! I think I'll pass, James, I'm too old for that stuff. So much for a quiet weekend," I sighed sadly as I entered my flat.  
"Oh, come off it, even I have been to a rave!" James argued.  
"Yes, but did you actually enjoy it?" I shot back.  
"Oh, god no, it was awful, my ears bled and I nearly had a seizure," James grumbled.  
"My point exactly..." I smirked, knowing I had won.  
"Well... You could always come over here if you need to get away. We could.. I don't know, make some food or something." There was an insecurity in his voice, as if he had been hesitant to suggest it because he expected I would turn it down anyway.  
"Oh god, could I?" I said pleadingly. "The last time she had a party, and that was a small one, I ended up going in to work four hours early just to get away from the house."  
"Sure. I should be home from around five tomorrow, come over whenever you like," he said, sounding happier.  
"Great! You're such a lifesaver! So, what are we making?"  
"Here's a fair division of labour; you sort out food, I'll sort out drinks."  
"I wouldn't know about "fair", but sure, I'll sort out... something," I said vaguely.  
"Take-out would constitute as cheating," he pointed out dryly.  
"Damn you, May! All right, I'll try to be creative," I sighed. He gave me his house address and we said our goodbyes. Funny how one potentially bad thing can turn into a good one.

Ringing a door bell had never been so nerve-wracking. Being this nervous was ridiculous. James had been at my place, this couldn't be so much different? But it was. It felt like another step in getting to know him better. Getting closer. Which was terrifying and exciting all at once. After what seemed an eternity the door opened, and James greeted me with a smile.  
"Hey, you found it!" He smiled widely and his eyes glittered.  
"Sorry I'm a bit late, I lost track of time in Morrisons..," I mumbled, holding up a bundle of grocery bags as proof.  
"Should I be scared?" He eyed my bags suspiciously.  
"Nah, not unless you're more fussy about food than Hammond."  
"Not at all. Come in!" He waved, grabbed a few of my bags and disappeared inside. James' house wasn't as I'd imagined it. Looking at James, it's easy to imagine huge chintz armchairs and dark mahogany, pipe smoke and dark velvet curtains. Or maybe that was just my stereotyping of British gentlemen shining through. James' house was a lot brighter and modern than I'd thought, with some simple, functional retro-feel to it. And a bit of colour, which actually wasn't that much of a surprise. He deposited the grocery bags on the kitchen counter and surreptitiously tried to have a peek in one.  
"Ok, this doesn't look like anything. Did you go food shopping with a blindfold? Is that why it took so long?"  
"No no, there is a method to the madness. Not much, but that is kind of the point." James didn't say anything, but his entire face looked like a question mark. "I'm keeping it juvenile, seeing as I'm a student," I explained. "We're making pizzas."  
"Plural?"  
"Well, yeah. More like... mini-pizzas. They say you can put almost anything on a pizza if you're creative enough, so I went and got..."  
"Everything?" He raised an eyebrow at me.  
"Nearly...!" I laughed.  
"If this is going to call for creativity I'll need a beer first," James said and got two bottles out of the fridge, opened them and disappeared into his living room. Happily I sank down onto a comfy sofa next to him and accepted a bottle. A movement in the corner of my eye drew my gaze to the armrest next to James.  
"James... Please tell me you have a cat?" I said quietly, staring intently at armrest, where a black cat with white markings now sat gracefully, staring at me like only cats are able to.  
"What...? No?" Amazingly James kept a straight face for quite a while, and he almost had me going, but then a twitch in his eyes revealed him and he broke out giggling. "Yes, I do have a cat. Meet Fusker," he said and scooped him up into his lap. Fusker accepted this without fuss and started purring immediately. I reached out a hand and scratched the cat gently behind his ears. When I stopped he demonstratively stomped from James' lap and into mine, walked around in a circle once and curled up, like I'd always been a normal thing in his household. Unable to resist I resumed the gentle scratching, and Fusker resumed purring.  
"He owns you now. Or at least he thinks so," James warned, and petted him with a finger. Predictably, Fusker tried to bite him lazily. "Oy, thats not very loyal of you, you bugger."  
"Cats don't do loyal," I observed, still petting the purring cat. "They're all psychopaths, to varying degrees."  
"Not a cat person, then?" James chortled.  
"Nah, I'm a sucker for all animals. I just wouldn't trust a cat. I'd love it and cuddle it as much as any other fluffy animal, but I wouldn't put it past it to try and eat me when I lay dead in my own bed and wasn't feeding it anymore."  
"That's a fair point, actually," he conceded. 

When we had finished our first beers we heaved ourselves out of the sofa and trailed into the kitchen.  
"Right. Pizza dough," I said, clapping my hands together and dove into grocery bags to dig out the ingredients along with the recipe I'd jotted down from the internet. "OK, we need um... pint of lukewarm water. Salt. Tablespoon. Olive oil. The rest I've got," I read as I ran my finger down the recipe, and James found the things I needed. Then he rummaged through a cupboard and found a big bowl. "No, no, you're supposed to be able to do this without a bowl," I waved.  
"How? Magic?" He said defiantly, leaning against the kitchen counter and looking sideways at me, arms crossed.  
"No no. You start like.. this..." I said, opened the big bag of flour and poured it gently onto his kitchen counter, making a flour mountain. "Then you do this," I continued, making a deep crater in the top of the mountain with my hand. "See? Bowl made out of flour. Flour bowl!" James didn't say anything, just looked from me to the kilo of flour dumped on his counter, and back to me, doubt etched in his face. Determined not to cave to his skepticism I added salt, yeast powder and olive oil to the lukewarm water, and picked up the measuring cup.  
"Where did you read about this, Emily?" James asked innocently, but I could hear in the way he asked that he half expected I had dreamt it.  
"Jamie Oliver did it this way. Have faith, man!" I said affronted, trying to pour the liquid gently into the flour crater.  
"I don't trust a man with that much of a speech impediment," he said dryly.  
"Don't make me laugh, I'm trying to concentrate!" I said, trying to not splash water and yeast everywhere. "Also, that is actually quite a mean thing to say," I added as an afterthought.  
"It is, actually," James agreed, hanging his head slightly. "Sorry."  
"Right, there. See? It works!" I said excitedly when I had emptied the measuring cup.  
"That still isn't pizza dough. That is just a... flour volcano with a crater lake of water. Now what?" he said stubbornly.  
"Well, you sort of... stir it..." I said, unable to hide the insecurity in my own voice. Gingerly I started to stir the liquid with the tablespoon, taking more and more flour with me into the mix as I went. To my own amazement it sort of worked.  
"Aha!" I exclaimed triumphantly when the mess started to look like proper dough and I could knead it with my hands. James didn't respond at first, just looked down at the lump of dough as if it had been rude to him. The mocking skepticism trickled from his face.  
"That isn't a bad way to make pizza dough, actually" he muttered unwillingly, not looking at me. Jokingly I scooped up a sprinkle of left-over flour and threw it at him as punishment for his lack of faith in me. It was barely visible on his stripey jumper.  
"Oh are we throwing food, now? That is juvenile!" In return I received a small handful of flour, covering my shirt, chest and face. Without even thinking I chucked as much flour as I could straight at James' face, turning it white it places and covering some of his hair. For a moment we looked at each other, narrow-eyed, pondering our next move. Then we cracked as we realised how ridiculous we were acting and broke out laughing.  
"Okay, fine, it was a perfectly ingenious way of making it, I'll freely admit, can we call a truce now?" James snorted.  
"I'm sorry!" I laughed, trying to wipe some of it off his face with my shirt sleeve. Still giggling we brushed flour off our shirts, face and hair as best we could over the kitchen sink. "Right, that needs to be left alone for about 20 minutes." I gestured towards the lump of dough.  
"Beer break?" We said in unison, and laughed some more.  
"Here's a question," I began as I sat down on a kitchen chair, waving my fresh beer bottle at him. "Where the heck do you keep all your cars? I only saw the Fiat out front. And bikes? And where the hell are you whenever you are mending things?"  
"I own the industrial building next door, which is connected up to mine. Used to be a wood-shop. When they had to close down I bought it - was tired of walking or having to take a cab to some rental garage when I fancied a drive. So that's where I keep it. Well, most of it."  
"That must've been a boyhood dream come true? Have your own, huge workshop in which to keep all your toys and tools?"  
"Pretty much," he said with a satisfied smile and had a swig of his beer. Then his eyes lit up with child-like excitement. "Wanna see?"  
"Of course!" I trailed after James, beer in hand, through his house and to a heavy, industrial-looking bright-red door. A few steps down, and I was suddenly in workshop. Which was also a garage. And a boys' playground. Most of the tools lived on one very pedantically neat wall. Rows of wrenches and screwdrivers all in ascending length and sizes hung over a huge workbench, dotted with marks from oil-spill and grease and years of tinkering. "You never figured out what was wrong with that starter dynamo?" I teased, pointing at a dismantled heap of metal on the bench.  
"I'll figure it out..." he muttered, throwing the dynamo a dirty look. Bike leathers were hanging neatly on hooks, boots on a shelf next to safety helmets. Bikes in varying states and ages were parked a little hither and thither. A run-down sofa was tucked into a corner, next to a small kitchen unit with a kettle and a sink. Every mechanic needed his tea. At the far end of the building was a huge double garage door, and what looked like a small, and rather schizophrenic, car park. Old classic Bentley and a Rolls Royce, a few spangly new Ferrari's, a tiny little Mini, a few Porsche's... I just walked slowly in between cars, staring lovingly at each one. After a while I came to a halt and just stared at James from across the workshop over the roof of his 458 Italia.  
"You like it?" James asked.  
"It's.. all right, I guess." I gave a nonchalant shrug of feigned coolness, and I heard James laugh. "No really, it's.. Amazing. I am very jealous. You're a lucky sod," I sighed as I made my way back across the workshop and sat down on the run-down couch. Closing my eyes I tilted my head back and breathed deeply. "I love the smell in here. Smells like my dads' auto garage back home. That smell of... oil, and metal and exhaust and rubber. And cigarettes. Reminds me of spending hours in the garage with my brother when I was a kid, in the evening, while he was doing up one of his cars or his bikes. Me mostly just staring, wide-eyed, not daring to ask questions because I felt stupid and he might kick me out and send me back to mum. And so thrilled whenever I was allowed to help with something. Reminds me of home." Slowly I opened my eyes, taking myself out of a vivid and rather rare flashback to my childhood. James stood rooted to the spot, studying me intently. "What?"  
"I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my garage." He sat down next to me.  
"It's a good garage," I said, looking around. "Must be a nice place to hide away and just.. be. Leave everything else outside, clean your mind and fix things."  
"Mm.. Exactly," James said enthusiastically. "See, you get it!"  
"Daughter of a car mechanic, of course I get it. What did you expect?"  
"Frankly, not that," he said, and for a second everything seemed to stop as he just looked at me. There was something in those eyes I hadn't seen before, something... warm, and tender. All I could think of was his eyes and how gorgeous they were. Nervously I drew a deep breath and looked down at my hands, holding my beer.  
"I'm full of surprises," I said with a half-smile, trying to sound confident. James got up with a sigh, looking at his watch. Whatever tension had been there a moment earlier was gone.  
"Come on. Twenty minutes are up. Let's make some food."  
Back in the kitchen we deposited empty beer bottles and James found new ones.  
"James, does this thing actually have an iPod dock?" I said, pointing at a little stereo radio standing on a shelf.  
"Yeah."  
"I didn't think you had one of those newfangled gizmos," I smirked.  
"I'll have you know I even have an iPad!" He huffed, pointing at me with his beer.  
"Woooow," I said sarcastically. "Can I put some music on?" James nodded and I rummaged through my handbag, fishing out my iPod and put the whole thing on shuffle. Which was taking a risk, I knew. Surprisingly, Bob Marley started singing about how I shouldn't worry about a thing.  
"I didn't peg you for a reggae kind of girl," James frowned.  
"I'm not an anything kind of girl, I listen to lots of things," I said as I started emptying the remaining grocery bag onto the counter. Curious, James started fiddling with my iPod, investigating my musical preferences.  
"Hey, there's stuff on here I've actually heard about," he exclaimed sensationally.  
"Like what?" James started at the top and listed through.  
"Beatles."  
"Doesn't everyone listen to The Beatles?"  
"Mmmmno. Particularly not at your age."  
"Dad played in a band in the late 60s. Turtlenecks, Beatle-mops, the whole deal. They were namned after a Beatles song and played mostly them and Buck Owens."  
"Ah. Elvis?"  
"Always loved him. I had a cassette tape with him when I was like.. four. I swear he was the only one keeping me sane on endless car holidays with my parents."  
"Guns'n'Roses?"  
"Stole CDs from my sister without permission."Use your illusion" was probably the first ones I nicked. "Civil War" probably  
changed my life."  
"Johnny Cash?"  
"I'm a country bumpkin, what can I say."  
"Pink Floyd?"  
"I built all my teenage self-destruction and depressions around The Wall. Bob Geldof was my hero for years."  
"Bowie, The Who, Velvet Underground, Tom Waits, Queen, Patti Smith, Neil Young, Genesis... Emily, this is all music from before you were born!"  
"James! That's just... ageist! Just because you were born in the 60s doesn't make you entitled to all the good music. And hey, I'd marry Tom Waits, not one bad word!" I warned, pointing a spoon sternly at him. James raised his hands as a sign of surrender.  
"Honestly, I haven't listened enough to him to make any kind of judgment."  
"I'll play you a few good ones later," I promised and James joined me at the kitchen counter. "Right. Pizza can be good with anything, so I bought a bunch of stuff; lots of pizza sauce, peppers, mushrooms, pepperoni, chicken, spring onions, different kinds of cheese... And if you have anything in your fridge you want to try on a pizza, go for it." I started dividing up the lump of dough into eight little ones, punched one into a flat circle and pondered for a minute about what to put on it. James was half-buried in his fridge.  
"Hm.. wonder if blue cheese works...?" I heard from the depths of the fridge.  
"You're welcome to try, just keep it on your own pizza."  
"Hm... Anchovies...? HP sauce...? Spam...?"  
"For the love of... James, this is supposed to be human food!"  
"How do you think humanity discovered what was edible and what went well together, and what didn't, over the years? Pioneer work! Trial and error!" he argued. "You have to try everyth-- Oh, marmite!"  
"NO!" I shouted, turning around. "I draw the line at Marmite pizza! This isn't culinary Russian roulette, you know." Gratefully I noted that James extracted himself from the fridge without holding a jar of Marmite. The music changed as James came over and started with his own pizzas.  
"What's this?" He asked.  
"Mumford and Sons. They're a London band, actually. "Indie folk rock", isn't that what they call it?"  
"I have no idea, I just heard a banjo. It's not that bad, actually."  
"Yeah, it's... I don't know, cosy. Happy." We focused quietly on making food for a while, making little mini-pizza and putting them on a baking tray, drinking beer all the while. I couldn't help but hum along to the music, feeling happy. "They should be in for about.. 12 to 15 minutes," I said as James shoved them into the oven. "Did you actually put blue cheese on one?"  
"Yes, but I'm not telling you which one," he smirked and had a swig of his beer. I just sighed exasperatedly and went over to the iPod.  
"Tom Waits, was it?" A song called LowDown started up, with the familiar back-beat rhythm and guitar riff I loved so much. I started clearing up on the kitchen counter, stuffing most of the left-over food in James' fridge as I couldn't be bothered to take any of it with me later. I was half-dancing all the way, humming along. "I love this song. Sexiest song ever, it just begs for a dirty striptease," I observed absentmindedly. When I looked up at James he just stared at me, wide-eyed, an eyebrow raised. I stared back, thinking, then suddenly I realised what the look was about. "Don't worry, I'm not going to burst out into an impromptu striptease. That would call for a lot of tequila."  
"I wasn't exactly... worried..," James said, shrugging, then hanged his head slightly in mock disappointment. "More like a little hopeful," he added with a smirk. I could have sworn a little blush crept up his neck.  
"Well, you know my secret weakness now," I shot back. Were we flirting with each other?  
"Tequila? I'll remember that..." He gave me a mysterious grin and a little silence fell between us, filled with tension.

 

When we'd finished eating we cleared up, waddling into the living room and landed heavily on the sofa. We complained a bit about eating too much. Incredibly, the food turned out nice, to our mutual surprise. James hadn't snuck any surprise ingredients on my pizzas, but he had been a bit adventurous on his and made a few research notes for future culinary history. Mainly that all cheese didn't work on pizza. We were both on our fifth beers, and I started to feel it a bit. Food would probably help. Fusker, who has occasionally been lurking around the kitchen hoping he'd be invited to dinner, jumped on to the sofa between us and curled up. James had brought my iPod with him from the kitchen and connected it to the stereo in the living room. We spent the next hours talking about music, skipping between tracks, sometimes arguing amicably but mostly agreeing with each other. We drank beers and laughed, and I absentmindedly petted Fusker while he purred and stretched luxuriously. James' phone suddenly rang, he looked at it and hit pause on the stereo.  
"I think I might have to take this," he said apologetically.  
"Yeah, sure, go for it," I waved, and James disappeared out of the living room and into a room down the hallway. For a while I sat looking around, at his books and DVDS, the paintings on the walls, the photos in frames. It suddenly struck me that I felt at home here, it felt safe and comfortable, familiar, like I had been here many times before. The same as being with James had always felt. Inevitably my eyes were drawn to his piano. I knew James used to train as a classical pianist so finding a piano in his living room hadn't surprised me much. Gingerly I got out of the sofa, nervous to find out how drunk I really was. After a few steps I decided I wasn't too bad off after all. I padded over to the piano, sat down on the bench in front of it and lifted up the lid as gently, trying not to make a sound. Absentmindedly I let my fingers brush across the keys. Quietly, to not disturb James on the phone, I started plonking, feeling how old melodies I once knew trickled back into my muscle memory. Lost in the effort of trying to remember I didn't hear James returning from his phone call.  
"I didn't know you could play?" The sudden sound of his voice made me jump several feet in the air.  
"Waah! What? Um, no.. I can't."  
"That sounded like Beethoven to me, so I'd say you can?"  
"I tried to learn, many years and moons ago," I sighed as I closed the piano lid and returned to the sofa. "I took classical piano lessons for like.. 7 years, from first grade until the year I turned 13. I've forgotten nearly everything, but a few songs are just... stuck in my hands."  
"That's a long time to be taking lessons, why did you stop?" He asked.  
"Do you want the simple, short answer or the other one? I'm giving you the choice this time," I said, looking sideways at him with a little smile.  
"I think I'd prefer the other one, actually. If you want to give it, that is."  
"Okay," I nodded. "I stopped playing after I played piano in my mum's funeral. I know, much of my life is a Greek tragedy," I said when James didn't speak but just looked at me with wide, horrified eyes. "She died suddenly when I was 12, heart failure, she had really heavy asthma all her life and it wore her out. She was the most important person in my life. My siblings were twice my age and had lives of their own, and my practical mechanic-dad had no idea how to help a morbidly depressed teenager. So I was left to figure it out on my own. That took me about 10 years of being a wreck. It's all right, I'm fine with it now," I said with a sad smile. "It's been a long time, fifteen years already. But after that funeral I just couldn't deal with pianos for a while."  
"No wonder you couldn't. Can I ask what you played?"  
"Um, have you seen that film Schindler's list?"  
"Yeah, of course."  
"Remember the main theme from it? I played a piano arrangement of it. I can't remember any of actually playing it, have no idea how I did it, feels like I wasn't even conscious. All I know is that I didn't make any mistakes."  
"I'm sure it must've been very special to hear that," James said, sounding emotional. "I can't even being to understand how you managed to do that."  
"Frankly, me neither. But I'm glad I did. I remember the funeral um.. guy, who was one of my mum's old classmate incidentally, said something to me that has stuck with me: "This is your chance. Even if you don't feel like it - if you have the tiniest doubt about it, do it. Or you might regret it for the rest of your life."  
"I'm starting to understand why you're so...," James began, but trailed off. He averted his eyes, getting that look of shyness and insecurity that made me want to wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly.  
"So what?" I urged, curious.  
"You've always seemed so... independent, and somehow older than your age. You know, strong. And with a lot of thought and compassion for other people." These words rendered me speechless for a moment.  
"Aw, thank you," I said quietly when I had regained the ability to talk, feeling blushed. "That's.. probably one of the nicest things anyone has said to me."  
"People haven't said much nice things to you, then?" James dared to meet my eyes again and there was that warmth again.  
"People generally don't, do they," I observed. "We're so much better at niggling and criticizing each other, rather than supporting and encouraging. Now, put on some music, and nothing sad. I hate being such a buzzkill." James turned on The Stooges and I nodded approvingly. Another plonky sound emerged from James' phone, notifying him about a message. "At least someone is popular," I teased and had a drink.  
"Not exactly popular. Wanted dead, more like," he sighed.   
"Uhoh, what did you do?" I said in a playful tone. James paused for a minute, as if he considered what he was going to tell me. Or what he wouldn't.  
"Remember that date Jezza mentioned when we were down at the track?" Another stab shot through my heart, and I tried not to flinch and act casually.  
"Mm yeah?"  
"She's angry with me," he said, looking more annoyed than anything.  
"Why?" The question fell out of my mouth before I had time to stop myself. "Oh god, that's none of my business," I added hastily.   
"God knows why. Hell if I can suss it out. I doubt she even knows herself," he grumbled and threw the phone onto the table.  
"Ugh, women," I scoffed sympathetically. "Who the hell understands them." James laughed, albeit a little sadly.  
"I certainly don't get this one," he sighed.  
"It'll sort itself out. If you want it to," I added, not wanting to be too encouraging. He made a noncommittal grunt.  
"Now I'm being a buzzkill," he grumbled. "I'm sorry." Suddenly he seemed to remember something and lit up a bit. "Oh, I meant to tell you!" I just raised my eyebrows quizzically at him. "Christmas Party. Over at Top Gear. You're invited. I reckon you'll get an invite in the post soon."  
"What? Me? Why?" I frowned.  
"Well, we all met you on a Top Gear shoot. You've sort of become a.. Top Gear..."  
"... nurse?" I supplied.  
"Yeah. And friend. Mostly friend."  
We went back to talking, conversation flowing easily like it always did between us. But the mention of James' mystery date kept cropping up in my mind, I couldn't shake it. It made me insecure, and jealous. I kept wondering if she'd been the one who had called earlier. Had he mentioned me? That I was there? Was that why she was upset with him? I knew I should just leave it, stop fretting about it, because obviously it wasn't any of my business.

"Bloody hell, is that the time?" I said the next time I had the impulse to look at my watch. The surprise was genuine, as it was already half past midnight. Time flies when you're having fun.  
"Looks like it," James said with a whistle, examining his own watch.  
"I better be getting home," I sighed. "Didn't realise it was getting this late."  
"Will you be all right getting home?"  
"Am I that drunk?" I smirked.  
"No, no. I only meant.. It is late, and cold, and.."  
"James, I'll be fine. There's night buses, and taxis. It's fine."  
"Sure? I have a guest bedroom if you want to stay over..."   
"That's really nice of you, but I didn't bring anything. And I'll spare you my lovely, hungover morning personality," I smiled. "Plus, I have to see if my building is still standing."  
"All right, then... " he said reluctantly. Fusker had been sleeping heavily in my lap for a long time, and I looked down at the ball of cat, feeling guilty.  
"I'm really sorry, kitty-cat, but you will have to move a little bit..." I gently tried lifting him off my lap, and he woke up, meowing sadly when I put him down on the sofa. "Aaaw, don't give me that, Fusker..." I whined. I scrambled out of the sofa, relieved that I didn't wobble when I got up. James trailed after me into his hallway. "Hey, James, I've had a really good evening. Thanks a lot for inviting me," I said as I slipped on my jacket.  
"I'm glad you came over," James smiled sweetly at me and I had to concentrate on not blushing. "It's been fun. Being with you is always fun."  
"So is being with you," I smiled and we had another one of those moments where we just looked at each other, both completely unable to look away.  
"Listen. Be safe, yeah? Send me a text when you're home safely."  
"Will you worry an awful lot if I forget?"  
"Yes," he said simply. I couldn't help but smile a little wider, loving that he worried about me, and that he admitted to it.  
"All right. Then I won't forget." James' arms closed around me in a long, warm hug, and for a fraction I buried my face against his  
shoulder and got lost in the smell of him. He gave me a last squeeze and let go of me.  
"Good night, Emily," he said, smiling a little sadly.  
"Night, James." And I was out the door.  
I spent the entire bus ride back to Bloomsbury in a heated argument with myself over whether I did the right thing, going home. What would've happened if I stayed? Nothing, intoned my inner pessimist. Maybe I would've just lain there, in the guestroom, wide awake, hoping. James was kind, and thoughtful, which was probably his only motive for asking me to stay over. And the thought of that date kept bugging me. Keeping my distance would be best. When I got home I crawled out of my clothes and straight into bed, feeling drunk and exhausted. I picked up my phone and typed in a message.  
"Hey. Home safe and sound, just crawled into bed. Again, thanks for a good night. Sleep tight. Emily." Not long after my phone beeped.  
"Good to hear. Means I can actually sleep now. Fusker misses you. Sleep tight, sweetie."   
Bastard. Maybe I should've stayed?


	10. Chapter 10

" 'ello?" I croaked into the phone. I had no idea what time it was, if it was night or day, or even what day it was.  
"Um, Emily? Is that you?" But I recognised James' voice.  
"Yeah, it's me..." I said with a sniff.  
"What's wrong?" He asked urgently.  
"I'm a bit.. sick." To underline how sick I was I launched into a hacking coughing fit.  
"Just a bit? You sound awful!"  
"Okay, maybe more than a bit," I conceded unhappily. "It's driving me mad, I've been like this for four days already. Missed two shifts. And this fever won't break." Speaking was exhausting, I had to speak slowly because it felt like such an effort. The clock on my TV said 6 pm. I'd been dead to the world for six hours.  
"You've had a fever for four days straight? You need to get yourself to a doctor! Why am I telling you this, you're a nurse..." James sounded exasperated.  
"I know, I know, I've reached the same conclusion... I'm going in tomorrow morning. Did you call about something?"  
"Oh yeah, just wondered if you got that invitation to the Christmas party yet?"  
"Yeah, I got it.. yesterday, I think."  
"Good. Listen, go back to sleep, or at least just rest. And call me when you've been at the doctors tomorrow? Really, you don't sound good." I smiled a little to myself when I heard the concern in James' voice.  
"I will, James." We said our goodbyes and I returned to my hazy, feverish state of just existing. I felt so drained even that seemed like too much.

Loud, incessant knocking brought me slowly back to life. At first I couldn't understand where the sound came from. Was it outside? Some of my neighbours? Was the TV on? No, it was too loud for that. Eventually I realised it had to be someone trying to knock my door down. I scrambled to my feet, swaying on the spot for a minute and then lurched unsteadily towards the door. On the other side was James, wild-eyed and pale, phone in hand.  
"Bloody hell, Emily, I thought you were dead!!" He sounded almost angry, I'd never heard him like that, and it made me take a step back in surprise.  
"What? Why?" I mumbled, a bit confused, raising my eyebrows innocently at him. He came inside and shut the door behind him, then shot me an angry look.  
"You said you'd call me after you'd been at the doctor's!"  
"I'm sorry.. . I forgot, I fell asleep, I was so exhausted..." I rambled apologetically, feeling like a child being scolded by her angry father.  
"And you look like death, too," he grumbled, but a little milder now that he saw me shrinking away from him.  
"Nice seeing you too," I said sulkily as I landed heavily on the sofa and looked up at him unhappily. James had taken off his jacket and sat down next to me on the sofa. He didn't seem angry anymore, but disappointed, which was a million times worse.  
"I was just worried," he sighed and rubbed his face tiredly. "What did the doctor say?"  
"She said it's pneumonia. They did an X-ray, pneumonia shows up as these spots called infiltrates- oh forget it," I waved, too tired to explain. "Was given a tonne of antibiotics. And an entire week's worth of sick leave."  
"That sounds bad," he said sympathetically. "How are you feeling?" He looked at me searchingly. I had a pillow on the armrest and was slumped over it, curled up in my pyjamas.  
"Exhausted. Dizzy. A bit cold," I whined. He sat a bit closer and gently put his hand on my forehead, it felt cold against my fever-ridden skin. But I relished his touch all the same.  
"God, you're burning up. Have you taken anything?"  
"Not since this morning. I think it's on the kitchen counter." James went to my ktichen and found a pill and a glass of water which he placed in front of me. He studied me with a concerned expression as I downed the pill then slumped back down.  
"Have you eaten anything?"  
"Um.. not for a while. Not today, I think." I said, slightly startled at the realisation. He didn't say anything at this, just went back to my kitchen and browsed my fridge. After a while he closed the fridge door with a sigh, walked over to me and hunched down, his eyes level with mine. I stared at him with glassy, feverish eyes and he ran a hand over my face, tucking a strand of hair behind me ear in a paternal manner.  
"Listen, I'm going to go to the shops, OK? Get you some food and things, you have to eat. And you need more paracetamol. I'll take your keys, be back in a bit."  
"Okay, " I said and smiled weakly at him in gratitude then closed my eyes. I could hear him rummage around a bit, putting on shoes and jacket again, the rattle of my keys and the door slamming behind him. Then I was out like a light.

 

When I woke up again I spent a minute trying to figure out who was in my kitchen. Then I remembered James had come by, how he'd told me about getting food and had taken my keys. Clumsily I sat up, my joints aching and feeling stiff. Immediately I launched into a coughing fit that made James look around.  
"Hello, " he smiled. I grumbled back and rubbed my face groggily. I felt less feverish, but clammy. "Good timing, food is just about ready." Slowly I got out of the sofa and padded into my kitchen. He'd made pasta with my favourite tomato and basil sauce. How did he even remember that I'd mentioned that once?  
"Aw, you did the dishes as well?" I said, looking at what had been a sink full of dirty dishes.  
"I have OCD," he shrugged.  
"You didn't have to do that, James!" I sighed, but wrapped one arm around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze.  
"Go sit down, I'll bring the food over." I smiled gratefully at him as he came over with a bowl and a glass full of apple juice.  
"Aw, thank you. For everything," I croaked, picking the bowl up into my lap. He got some for himself and sat down to join me. Eating was an effort, but it also made me realise that I actually had been quite hungry. James flicked through the channels on my TV, passing over a few channels that had reruns of Top Gear on them with a sigh, finally landing on a Mythbusters. Probably because he knew I watched it sometimes. We didn't talk much, mainly because I didn't have the energy to. I slumped back down on the sofa again, trying to watch some TV, but my brain felt fuzzy, and my body heavy. I registered vaguely that even though I didn't feel much better, having James around felt safe and comforting. I couldn't remember the last time someone had cared for me when I was ill, it probably hadn't happened since I was in my teens. It felt strange because I wasn't used to it, but I was too exhausted to protest and part of me was eternally grateful for it.

James' voice, and his hand on my shoulder, gently roused me from my sleep.  
"Emily. Wake up. Let's get you to bed, it'll be more comfortable for you."  
"Mno, leave me alone. Too much effort," I mumbled and waved a sleepy hand in the air, not opening my eyes.  
"Emily, come on!" he said sternly, taking hold of my arms and hosting me up into a sitting position, then practically lifted me up from the sofa. I wobbled to my bedroom with James' arm around my shoulder, dragging my feet heavily. Crawling into bed felt wonderful and horrible all at once, the bed was so comfortable but the sheets were cold. James sat down on the edge of my bed, tucking the duvet around me. The walk had made me marginally more awake and I looked up at him.  
"I talked to Cathy earlier," James began, looking a little apologetic. "Nurse from your ward?"  
"... what?" Was all I managed to reply, wondering how that could've happened. Cathy was a nurse in the same ward as I, and probably who I'd consider my best friend from work.  
"Your phone kept ringing when you were sleeping just now, I thought she might be worried about you, so I picked it up. Hope that was all right?"  
"Oh... No, I don't mind. She probably was worried," I admitted.  
"She was." James paused a while, looking intently at me. "Emily, why didn't you tell me they wanted to admit you to hospital today?" There was the disappointment again, it made me flinch. Cathy must've told him about it.  
"I hate hospitals," I said childishly.  
"Emily, you're a nurse," he retorted, looking amused.  
"Yeah, but... there's one thing being a nurse in a hospital. Being a patient in one is quite another!" I looked stubbornly at James. He wasn't convinced, so I decided to change tack. "You said it yourself - I'm a nurse! The hospital is full of nurses. Waste of time, being in the hospital."  
"Why do you think the doctor wanted to admit you?"  
"Those spots on the x-rays... That's not good, here were a lot of them, an infection like that can be tricky to get rid of without intravenous medication...So Kellie wanted to admit me."  
"Kellie? The doctor? Maybe you should've listened to her?"  
"It's just pneumonia!" I argued feebly. "I'll be fine." I knew how utterly unconvincing I was.  
"You know, as amazing as you are at taking care of others, you really are rubbish at taking care of yourself," James sighed and ran a hand over my temple and cheek. I closed my eyes, and to my surprise I felt tears run down the side of my face. Sobbing was too much effort, all I could do was let tears leak out of my eyes. I was crying because my body was aching, my head was throbbing, I felt weaker than I ever had before, so weak it was actually painful.  
"I know," I squeaked and my chin wobbled. I felt stupid for crying just for being a little ill. "I'm just so... exhausted, James. I've never felt this awful. I don't even have the energy to think straight."  
"Move over a bit," James said quietly. I was too tired to even wonder why, but when I did he laid down and wrapped his arm gently around me. For a while he said nothing, just kept his arm around me and ran his hand slowly up and down my fever-warm arm. "It's just... strange seeing you so lethargic. I'm used to you taking care of everything and everyone."  
"I'm sorry..." I whispered when the crying stopped, and wiped my face with the back of my hand. He didn't say anything, just kept patting my arm.  
"I'm staying here tonight," he said. I looked at him and opened my mouth, but he cut me off. "Don't even try to argue with me, you don't have the energy for that anyway." I closed my mouth again, realising he was right. "If I go home I'll just lie awake and worry about you all night anyway, so there's no point. I'm better off here. And frankly, so are you."  
"Don't you have somewhere to be tomorrow?" I tried.  
"Just a meeting up at the BBC. It'll just be a few hours, I can go straight there from here. And I said no arguing."  
"All right, then," I sighed, giving in. "James... Thank you," I finished weakly.  
"Do you need anything?"  
"I guess it's time for more antibiotics. And probably some paracetamol." James got up from the bed and immediately I missed the safety of having him close, watching over me. He returned with a glass of water and boxes of medication and sat down on the edge of my bed again. I took my pills and laid back down on the bed, looking up at him. "You know, you would have made a good nurse," I observed.  
"Oh god, I would've killed people by the thousands," he frowned.  
"I said you would've been a good nurse, not a good black plague..."  
"I don't care about keeping everybody else alive. Just you." He looke at me hurriedly then looked away, seeming a little embarrassed. "That's why I'm making an effort."  
"You're doing just fine," I mumbled drowsily, patting his arm and closing my eyes, unable to stop myself from smiling a little.  
"You know. Having the dreaded lurgy like this.. This makes you properly British, now."  
"I've achieved my life's ambition then," I smiled, already half asleep.  
"I'll just be out in the living room," James said quietly. "Shout if you need anything."

When I woke up again everything was quiet, and dark. Even the traffic outside was quiet, it must be late. My heart was racing hundred miles a minute, and I had a painful knot of anxiety somewhere in my diaphragm. Had I been dreaming? I couldn't remember. The quietness was unsettling, I didn't like it. Was James still here? I had to check, maybe I'd calm down if he was still here. The only light came seeping in from the living room. Quietly I padded out of my bedroom, not wanting to wake James if he was asleep. He wasn't, he was lying under a blanket on my sofa, reading a book. He looked at me over the top of his glasses and put the book down.  
"You okay? Need anything?"  
"I... don't know. No, I don't think so," I said hesitantly, feeling lost.  
"No, you don't need anything, or no, you're not okay?" He peered at me searchingly.  
"Both. I think." I suddenly realised I was shaking, both from cold and anxiety. James took his glasses off and got up. "I just... I don't know, I woke up... Feeling scared" I said feebly.  
"Go on, back to bed, you're getting cold," he said quietly and ushered me back into the bedroom. I crawled back under the covers, still shivering. James sat down on the bed and put a hand on my arm. "Bad dream?"  
"Don't know," I shrugged. For a while I looked at him, fiddling absentmindedly with my duvet. "Stay here with me...?" I asked quietly, ashamed. I felt stupid for wanting him to stay, like a child being scared of monsters under the bed and refusing to sleep alone. To my surprise he didn't say anything, just crawled in under my double duvet and wrapped an arm snugly around me. "Thank you," I said feebly and leaned my forehead against his for a moment.  
"You're welcome," he whispered back, caressing my arm. The feel of having him close, his body next to mine, his arm around me, hearing his slow breathing felt safe and comforting. Slowly my sensation of dread receded and my heart calmed down, my body relaxed and I slowly drifted back to sleep. When I woke up again during the night I expected to be alone, thinking James would leave and go back to the sofa when I had fallen asleep. But he was still there, one arm around me, sleeping heavily. Smiling sleepily I inched up closer to him, burying my face against his neck and t-shirt. I couldn't tell what possessed me to do it, I just needed to be closer. Surprisingly he wrapped his arm tighter around me, pulling me in. Was he awake? I nearly held my breath as I tried to figure out if he was. His breathing was deep and slow, his arm heavy, he seemed to still be asleep. For a while I lay there awake, enjoying the closeness and the soothing sound of his breathing. Then I went back to sleep.

When I woke up again the bed was empty. I squinted against the light, sat up by leaning on my elbows and gauged how I felt. Surprised I registered that I felt a bit better, not as lethargic and weak as the day before. I looked at my nightstand, looking for my phone, wanting to check the time, I felt incredibly disoriented. Under my phone was a hand-written note. "Went home for a quick change of clothes. Have meeting at noon, shouldn't last longer than 2pm. Coming by later to see how you are. Stole your keys as you are not going anywhere. Please be alive. If you are - eat something! James."  
I smiled at the note, and then checked my phone. It was 12.15. Except for the few hours I'd been awake while at the doctors and when James had been here, I'd been asleep for a day and a half. I wobbled into the shower, and stayed there for half an eternity. After the shower I dug out another pair of comfy pyjama pants and a t-shirt from my wardrobe, and padded into the kitchen. Even though I felt better than before it didn't take much effort before I was exhausted, even the shower had worn me out slightly. James hadn't bought me just dinner but also more bread, juice, Pepsi and even a tub of ice cream. "You perfect man" I thought as I made myself a few sandwiches, making a mental note to dive into that tub of Ben & Jerry's later.

James found me slouched on the sofa under my duvet watching TV when he dropped by at 3pm.  
"Hello! You look a bit better today!" He said happily as he sat down, looking at me searchingly.  
"I feel better, too," I smiled. "Had a good day?"  
"Yeah, we actually been a little productive for once! Andy says "get well soon ". Did you eat?"  
"Yes, dad," I teased.  
"You're definitely better," he said, rolling his eyes.  
"I was just about to get some ice cream that you were fantastic enough to buy for me. Want some?"  
"Yeah. But I'll go get it, you relax. I've been sat on my arse all day." He disappeared into my kitchen and returned with two big bowls of ice cream.  
"I could get used to being a patient," I smiled at him as I accepted the bowl.  
"Think you'll be all right for the Christmas party?" James asked.  
"Oh god, I hope so, it's two weeks away. I'm not planning on being sick that long! I feel better already and I've only been on antibiotics for a day. I'll be fine." James stayed for much of the afternoon, we just watched TV and talked. I started to nod off a bit, getting more tired and shivery. James noticed and sat closer, feeling my forehead.  
"You're getting a fever again," he mumbled.  
"I know," I sighed sadly and leaned against his shoulder. He slipped an arm around me.  
"Poor baby," he said, somewhere half between teasing and sympathetic.  
"Time for paracetamol again. And maybe bed soon," I sighed, feeling the energy drain out of me. "James, you don't have to stay here just to watch over me, though. I mean... You have no idea how glad I am you came by yesterday and stayed over, I was actually in a pretty bad shape ..."  
"Yeah, you were. You kind of scared me," he said, squeezing me a little.  
"Thank you so much for helping me out, taking care of me, and for being there," I said, squeezing him back. "But I'm a bit better now, the medication has started to help a bit. And I'm sure you have other and more fun things to do than stay here and babysit me." He looked down at me searchingly, looking sceptical.  
"You sure you'll be all right?"  
"Yeah..." I nodded. "I'm feel a lot better, I should be able to take a bit better care of myself. And I have food and stuff now, thanks to you. I'll be fine." I already felt bad for having caused James to waste an entire day just sitting around watching me sleep, more or less. I was incredibly grateful that he worried about me, that he'd showed up and insisted to stay. Having had him around was an incredible comfort, and made me feel safe. If I was completely honest and selfish I wanted him to stay. But I felt so guilty about keeping him here.  
"Hmm, all right," he said hesitantly. He gave me an extra squeeze and got out of the sofa. He went to my bedroom and found my tablet boxes again, and handed them to me.  
"See, you would make a good nurse," I smiled and accepted them, and took my antibiotics and paracetamol.  
"Sure you'll be all right?" he asked again.  
"Yes, I'll be fine James," I said as I got up. I followed him to the hallway and he got his shoes and his jacket on. He gave me another searching look. "I'll be fine!" I maintained.  
"Okay.. Please call me if you're not, all right? I'm not that far away." I smiled at him, and pulled him in for a hug.  
"I will, James. And thank you again, for everything. You're... my favourite person in the world," I mumbled into his hair as I hugged him. My instincts told me not to let go, but I had to - I had said he didn't have to stay.  
"Just get better, all right? I'll call you tomorrow." He squeezed me and then walked out the door.


	11. Chapter 11

The pneumonia was a tough bastard, and recovery was incredibly slow. The doctor had been right to give me a full week's worth of sick leave. By the end of it I still didn't feel like a hundred percent, but my blood tests were good and the doctor let me go back to work, provided I didn't take on any extra shifts, and tried to take it easy. James had been checking up on me, and had dropped by in the afternoon a few times when he wasn't busy outside of London. I kept arguing he didn't have to, as I was only getting better. But despite myself I liked it, and spent most of my days that week at home hoping I'd hear a knock on the door. With me going back to work, and James being busy either filming down in Guildford or doing interviews and meetings, we didn't have the time to see each other for over two weeks leading up to the Christmas party. We kept up our phone contact though, and it got to the point where it just didn't feel right if I hadn't talked to James sometime during the course of the day.

The party was being in a big, fancy hotel where they'd rented the entire bar, lounge and dining area. Thankfully ball gowns weren't required, but it was a "frocks and suits" kind of event, which had resulted in me having to go buy a proper dress. And high heels. The party was for everyone who worked with Top Gear, from researchers and scriptwriters to production crew, along with all kinds of people associated with the show - reps from car companies, people from the stunt and special effects industry, expert mechanics. In short, it would be a big party with a wonderful assortment of different people. I hadn't been at a party, or had to dress up for one, for what felt like years - I felt most comfortable in my pyjama nurse's uniform. After my colleague Cathy had spoken to James on the phone she had been very curious as to who this soft-spoken man had been who was taking care of me. So I told her about who he was, how we met, and that he'd become a good friend. Not much about James revealed that he was a major celebrity in England, apart from a nice house and some very extravagant cars in his garage. When we spent time together it was mostly just the two of us, and when we had been out and about in public, I hadn't noticed much fuss around him, apart from a few people wanting to say hi or get an autograph. Which was absurd for me every time. But even so, I had kept my friendship with James quiet, not wanting people from work or school to know that I knew him quite well. I had no experience in being the friend of someone "famous" and had no idea what to expect, or how to deal with it. But now Cathy knew. She'd been surprised, and pretended to be offended that I hadn't told her. Personally she wasn't interested in cars, or in any of the presenters, she was happily married and found much amusement in teasing me for being mates with a man "is old enough to be your dad". I had also told her about being invited to the Christmas party, which left her the only person I could drag along for dress-shopping. She didn't come willingly, and after hours of me rejecting dress after dress, mumbling constant criticisms of my body and of dresses in general, she broke out laughing.  
"Why is this such a big thing for you?" She looked amused and exasperated. "I've never seen you be this ambivalent about anything, apart from which cupcake to choose in the cafeteria. You're falling apart!"  
"This is a big thing, Cathy!" I shouted, getting into dress number twenty-three of the day. "This place is going to be crowded with like... rich poncy people and business people and their snooty little wives. And the press might be there, and I have never been to a thing like this. It's terrifying!"  
"Okay, when you put it like that...," she said, having turned serious. Eventually I settled on a dress, a blue silky one with an a-line, pleated, knee-length skirt. Underneath it was a strapless, but it had a see-through lace bodice and three-quarter sleeves, and a big silky bow tied at the waist. The bow made it cute, but the lace and the skirt length weighed up for that, making it sexier. When I mentioned shoes, Cathy nearly cried. Luckily it didn't take long to find a pair of high-heeled blue pumps to go with it.

Typically, I got held up at work the day of the Christmas party. Going into work that day was a bad idea on the whole, I probably would've been better off staying home, relaxing. To make matters worse a patient, a young woman with cancer I'd known since I started working in London, suddenly took a turn for the worse, chemotherapy was getting the better of her. She was terrified, alone and sick, I knew she trusted me and I didn't have the heart to leave her. I sat on a high-backed chair by her bedside, just keeping her company as she tried to work her way through pain and nausea. Surreptitiously I glanced at my watch, but nothing got past her, even in her state she was eerily observant.  
"Didn't your shift end like an hour ago?"  
"Hm? Oh yeah, it did, but don't worry about that."  
"You keep checking your watch. You're supposed to be somewhere." It wasn't a statement, just an indisputable observation.  
"Mm, yeah.." I admitted. "I'm supposed to be at this big, fancy Christmas party. At a poncy hotel."  
"With tuxes and dresses and champagne?" She smiled weakly.  
"The whole shebang," I returned the smile.  
"What does your dress look like?"  
"Want to see a photo?" She nodded, and I fished my phone out of my pocket to find photos of it. She started at it for a long time, longingly, with a sad smile.  
"It's pretty, you will look gorgeous in that. I want you to go to the party," she said determinedly. "Go and look gorgeous, have champagne and dance with handsome men in tuxes. As long as you promise to live a bit for me, as well." I tried to protest, but she wouldn't hear it. "It's bad enough I'm stuck in here, it's a waste having you stuck in here as well. Just promise to take photos and tell me everything."  
"I'll tell you what I can remember," I winked and patted her arm. Cancer patients would never stop amazing me, their strength and wisdom, and how they could change your perspective on things.

James had offered to get me a ride to the party, but I had said no, insisting I'd get a taxi. Now that I was running late I was glad I had. I noted that I was well over an hour late when I got into the taxi and gave the driver the address. My heart was beating wildly, I felt hot and flustered and the drive to the hotel was over too soon. I didn't feel ready. As gracefully as I could in a short dress and high heels I got out of the taxi, having paid the driver. The pavement outside the hotel was crowded with security people, limo drivers having cigarettes outside their cars, chatting to each other, and of course a small pack of photographers. The photographers all peered at me, but quickly lost interest when they realised I was a nobody. The security men took more interest in me, but lazily waved me along when I held up my invitation.. Nervously I ascended the wide, stone stairs to the hotel. Apart from a long hotel clerk the lobby was empty. I came to a halt in the middle of it, looking around, feeling intimidated and lost.  
"Can I help you?"  
"Um, yeah maybe. I'm supposed to be at this Christmas party, I'm late, and..."  
"Ah!" The hotel clerk lit up, and immediately showed me the way. More stern-looking security men looked sourly at me as I approached a huge, heavy wooden double-door. I could hear muffled music, chatting and laughter seeping through it. Shakily I held up my invitation again and he opened the door without even looking at me. I entered another, smaller lobby where two women in what looked like uniforms greeted me from behind a desk with stiff smiles.  
"Can we take your coat, madam?" They asked politely, probably as a response to my confused expression.  
"Yes, thank you," I said and slipped out of my black trenchcoat, handing it to one of the women, and I recieved a stub with a number on in return. On the other end of the lobby was another double-door, and taking pity on me one of the women nodded encouraginly at me and then in the direction of the door.  
"Right through there, madam."  
Madam? I drew a deep breath, straightened myself up and walked through the door. The room beyond was darker, and big, and full of people. They were milling around, holding different glasses according to what they drank, standing or sitting on little sofa-groups chatting. A wide doorway lead onto an even bigger room with more tables, sofas and chairs, and what looked like a dancefloor at the far end. Each room had a big bar. I looked around, scanning the crowd for faces I knew, but I didn't recognise anyone and I felt alone, stupid and anxious. The bar was calling me enticingly, promising how it held substances that could soothe my nerves. At least a glass in my hands would give me something to fiddle with. I walked over and asked one of the bartenders for a glass of wine. Suddenly I heard a familiar voice beside me.  
"A pint and a cuba libre, thanks mate." I breathed a sigh of relief.  
"Richard!" I exclaimed. He looked quickly at me, then did a double take.  
"Good lord! Emily?"  
"Hello!" I smiled, never been happier to have seen a familiar face.  
"Welcome! Wow, you look great, I didn't recognise you!" He smiled and gave me a quick hug. Our drinks arrived, and I seized my glass of red wine and had a swig. "Come on, you have to meet the missus!" He said happily and nearly dragged me through the crowd. A short, blonde slightly bushy-haired woman stood on her own, looking as lonely as I had felt a minute ago. "Mindy! Meet Emily!" Richard said, handing the drink over to her. We shook hands, and Richard quickly recounted the story of how we'd met down in Syria.  
"So how did you end up here in England?" Mindy asked.  
"I'm taking a class in Tropical Nursing at London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. It's part-time so I'm working at University College Hospital most of the time."  
"Tropical nursing?" She raised an eyebrow at me.  
"Yeah, most humanitarian organisations require that medical staff has that course if they're going to work in third world countries. I've been to Kenya and Uganda, many years ago, and would love to go back someday to work, if just for a little while. Going to Syria didn't change that, I'd still like to do aid work."  
"That's really... admirable," Mindy began.  
"She went to do aid work and ended up patching together a British tosspot," Richard laughed.  
"Who are you calling tosspot?" Jeremy came stomping out from nowhere which was quite a feat considering his size. He had obviously only heard the last sentence of the conversation.  
"Not you, for once!" Richard said, even a little surprised himself. Then he pointed at me. "Look, it's Emily!" Jeremy eyed me up and down a few times.  
"You clean up pretty good." He smiled sincerely, and I recognised the comment for what it truly was, even if it didn't seem like it; a nice compliment.  
"Thank you, Jeremy. You don't look half-bad yourself," I winked, and he chuckled.  
"Have any of you seen the last oaf?" Jeremy scanned the crowd quickly. We all shook our heads. Jeremy's wife Francie joined us and we were introduced. Mindy quickly told her the story from Syria, and before long we were all chatting about work, hobbies and all the normal things people small-talk about. Jeremy got me another glass of wine when the first one was empty. I smiled, laughed, answered questions and was polite, but I was scanning the crowds around me constantly on the look-out for James.

"Hammond, we better mingle a bit," Jeremy said in a business-like tone, and Hammond murmured his agreement. Francie announced she better come with them, to keep them in line and behaving. "You two be all right on your own?" Jeremy asked.  
"Yeah I think we'll survive," Mindy said carelessly and we waved them off. She had another sip of her drink and then looked at me curiously. "So, what about you then?"  
"Bwuh?" I mumbled.   
"Well, now you met us all, the husbands and wives. What's your story, then? Have any significant other? A boyfriend?"  
"What? I.. No, I.." I stammered, flustered. How hard could it be to just answer "no"? It was a simple question, and it had a simple answer.  
"What about James, then?" She asked innocently, raising one eyebrow. She's a witch, I thought. What is it with these people and direct questions?  
"I, um... no, no boyfriend. James and I, we're.. He's a good mate," I stuttered. "Besides, James is dating someone, isn't he." It wasn't a question, more of a general observation.  
"Is he? Maybe, I don't know," she said with a shrug. "I know he was, for a little bit, that that was over quickly. The only one I've heard him talk about lately is you." I had one of those heart-stopping, stomach-swooping moments. My first instinct was to grab her by the shoulders and shake her vigorously, beg her to recount anything and everything he might've said about me. She looked at me pointedly, and I struggled with how to reply.  
"Oh?" I tried to act calm and somewhat surprised, but I was sure she looked right through me. I was thinking frantically, trying to think of a response, but just as I opened my mouth to speak Mindy straightened up, seemingly having spotted something in the distance.  
"Speaking of..." she smirked. I looked in the same general direction and her and after a seconds my stomach did another major lurch. On the other side of the room, in the distance, was James. He was wearing a crisp white shirt, black suit and a black bow-tie, with those staggering blue eyes and that floppy, grey-streaked haired I loved so much. I unconsciously held my breath, he looked so handsome. He didn't seem to see us, and Mindy waved frantically at him, he noticed it and veered towards us. Unaware of it I had sidled backwards in an unconscious effort to hide behind Mindy. "Oh relax, you look great," she said in the corner of her mouth and nudged me forwards. I felt a slight blush creeping up my neck and inwardly I cursed her and her blunt straightforwardness. As he walked towards us, his eyes were locked on to me, the stare burning me, and I shifted uneasily. Quickly he said hi to Mindy, they had obviously met earlier in the evening, then he turned his attention to me. He leaned in, slipped an arm around the small of my back and pulled me in for a quick hug.  
"Hello, beautiful," he said in my ear, so quietly no one but me could hear it. I felt his warm, shaven cheek against mine, his breath in my ear, the smell of him and his hair as it brushed against my neck. My knees went weak, and for a moment I lost what little composure I had and blushed furiously, averting my eyes. But I had to look at him, I couldn't stop myself. I smiled and fidgeted with the lapels on his suit jacket instead.  
"Hey, you..." For a moment we just stood there, fumbling.  
"Right," Mindy said a little too loudly, breaking the tension. "I'm off to find my husband, make sure he isn't completely plastered already. See you later, Emily. James." She gave us both a knowing, mysterious smirk and disappeared.  
"Where is everyone?" James asked, his hand still resting on the small of my back.  
"Richard and Jeremy went to err... mingle," I said with a frown.  
"Oh god.." James said ominously.  
"Francie went with them to keep them civilised..."  
"Good," James nodded slowly.  
"And then there's us."  
"Want another glass of wine?" he asked, gesturing to my empty glass. I looked at it and sighed heavily.  
"Red wine really isn't doing it for me. I know this isn't very ladylike, but could I please have a pint?" I begged and James chuckled.  
"That's my girl," he smiled. There was that blush again, creeping over his crisp white collar.  
"And can we sit down somewhere? I'm used to stomping around in orthopedic sandals, my feet are already killing me," I whined.  
"All right, go sit over there, I'll get some beers." He pointed to an empty sofa and I headed there. A few minutes later James sat down next to me and handed me a pint. "How long have you been here?"  
"I don't know, forty-five minutes maybe?" I said, accepting my pint, then looking at him apologetically. "I'm sorry I was so late... I got caught up at the hospital. There's this cancer patient... she was having a really bad day and I just couldn't get myself to leave her." He looked as if he had half a mind to be annoyed with me, but couldn't quite find the motivation for it.  
"Do you know how hard it is to be cross with someone so good-hearted?"  
"Very?" I smiled hopefully.   
"Yes, very," he agreed.   
"I haven't seen you around before now, though. Where were you?"  
"I was out back... Trying to get hold of you, actually. I wondered where you were, if something had happened. So I was out there calling you. And texting you, " he admitted. I found my phone in my tiny handbag, the display showed 8 unanswered calls and one text.  
"Were you worrying about me again?" I teased.  
".. . no," he mumbled unconvincingly, studying the mysteries in the depths of his pint.  
"I'm sorry, I should've sent you a text, letting you know I'd be this late. I was just stressed out and the thought didn't even cross my mind. But really, James. You don't have to worry about me. There's a 99% chance that I'm perfectly fine.. Just stressed and late."  
"... which leaves that 1% chance of you lying at home half-dead from pneumonia, refusing to follow doctor's orders and let yourself be admitted to hospital," he observed dryly. I screwed up my face in a grimace.  
"I should've seen that one coming," I said unhappily.  
"I know it's ridiculous to be worrying about you. You're a big girl. Well, not physically," he said, measuring about four feet off the floor with his hand, ".. but the heels help a bit, I guess." I nudged him in the ribs and then we broke out laughing.

 

I was sitting by the bar, fiddling with an empty glass. My last one for the night, I had decided. It had been a long day, and a long night, and it was inevitably drawing to a close. The DJ had been gradually calming things down, having moved over to slow-ish cheek-to-cheek ballads. Definitely a sign that it's time to go. As the familiar keyboard chords of "Us & Them" by Pink Floyd faded in, a hand closed around mine and I felt myself being pulled into the crowd and towards the dance floor. The hand belonged to James, and he was determinedly weaving his way through the people. Once on the floor he pulled me close and wrapped his free arm around the small of my back.  
"It's my turn now," he said determinedly.  
"Your turn?" I raised an eyebrow at him.  
"I've seen you. Dancing with Hammond. And Jezza. And even Andy," he said in mock affronted tones. He was right, I had been dancing with all of them. Richard had been the first to ask and after that I had spent far more time on the dance floor than my feet were comfortable with. But every time I had looked around for James he was out of sight, or deep in a conversation. And I didn't want to be the one to ask, every time I thought about it my courage failed me.  
"Have you been spying on me?"  
"... a bit," he mumbled with a shrug, looking down. I slipped my arm around his shoulder and rested my hand on the back of his neck, and this prompted him to look at me again. Naturally, like we'd been doing it for years, we started dancing. "How's your feet?"  
"I haven't had any communications with them for the past hour. Either I'm drunk or I have permanent nerve damage." We both laughed, a liberating laughter that made me relax.  
"How has your night been?"  
"I have, it's been great, met lots of people and had fun." I wanted to tell him how this, right now, was my favourite part. "And you, had a good night?" I asked.  
"It is now," he answered simply. My heart stopped momentarily in my chest and I felt myself blushing. Was this flirting? "When were you going home for the holidays?"  
"In exactly a week, on the 22nd."  
"How long are you gone for?"  
"Don't know yet, haven't booked a return flight. I have like three entire weeks off, I had to because I've worked too much this year."  
"Are you staying in Norway that long?" He asked with a little grimace, obviously not liking the prospect.  
"I doubt it. What are you doing for the holidays?" I loved being this close, being able to just stare into those sparkling blue eyes as much as I wanted.  
"Seeing family, mostly. Might get a few quiet nights to fix bikes. Probably going down to Hammond's for his New Years bash."  
"Oh, right. He invited me to that tonight, actually!" I remembered.  
"Oh really? Are you coming?"  
"Haven't decided yet. Depends on how quickly I go crazy back home," I shrugged.  
"I have to drop by and give you your Christmas present before you leave," he said.  
"You got me a present?" I raised an eyebrow at him, a little surprised. I hadn't expected that, I never expected things like that from anybody. Maybe because my family's idea of a birthday present was "hey, happy birthday, did you bake a cake? Here, have some money, buy your own shit."  
"Yes. Possibly. If you got me one as well," he said, looking at me sternly.  
"Of course I have!"   
"In that case - yes, I did get you a present," he nodded and I smiled at him. He pulled me a little closer and in a moment of daft courage, needing to be closer, I wrapped my arm tighter around him and leaned my forehead against his cheek. For a while we said nothing, just revolved slowly on the spot in silence, heads close, probably looking like two soppy teenagers. James broke the silence by talking quietly, but not moving his face further from mine. "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are tonight?" Again I blushed furiously, and was glad I didn't have to look into James' eyes.  
"Hmm, no, not really... " I answered honestly, eyes closed.  
"I mean it, you look gorgeous," he said with feeling, even more quietly.  
"Stop it, or I'm going to tear up," I said with a nervous little laugh, having to swallow hard.  
"No, please don't. You're always crying around me," he mumbled, I could hear in his voice that he was smiling a little.  
"You know, you look amazing yourself," I said sincerely and gently patted his back. "Thank you, James. For saying things like that... And for worrying about me."  
"I thought you didn't like that?" I didn't answer, just kept my eyes closed and enjoyed these last moments, knowing the song was drawing to a close. When the song faded over into a new one, as if on cue, Richard stomped out from nowhere, harassed and panic-stricken.  
"Jezza may or may not have fallen over and hurt himself pretty badly. We require a nurse! I think!" He shouted and looked urgently at me, swaying slightly on the spot, glassy-eyed. James and I had let go of each other when we'd heard his voice, and now I looked up at him with an exasperated and regretful smile, which he returned.  
"Come on. Seems I have to patch up your mate."  
"He's not my mate right now," I heard James mumble behind me.

We followed Richard's lead and found Jezza sitting in a small, closed-off room, one probably used for small, private events normally. He had a bloody scrape on his forehead, but it was his hand resting on a table that caught my attention. Francie was there, and quickly recounted how he'd been out back having a cigarette and somehow stumbled over his own knock-kneed feet. The fall wouldn't have been so bad if he'd had the sense to drop his glass before landing. But he had instinctively refused to let go of his precious drink, causing him to smash the glass under his hand. He was bleeding, but not profusely. Jeremy looked at me sheepishly.  
"I fell over a bit..." Was all he managed. He sounded mortified and looked thoroughly unhappy.  
"I can see that," I said, giving him a little smile, sensing how I morphed back into my nurse role. "Ok, someone go to the hotel kitchen or find a staff member, they're required by law to have huge first-aid kits around for health and safety." At the mention of H & S, Jeremy grumbled. "Bring the biggest kit you can find." Francie nodded and strode out of the room, on the hunt for medical equipment. I pulled up a chair and examined his hand. "God, you're a bloody mess. Hmm... you have at least three big shards stuck in there. I don't know how deep they go... You really should go to the A&E for this."  
"What? God no, it'll be all over the news, Clarkson the drunken idiot. Not happening, I'm not going." He gave me his most stubborn expression. I sighed and started to explain.  
"The problem is, Jeremy... These shards. You're not bleeding so much now, but that might be because the shards are closing off the bleeds. If I start pulling them out, it can start bleeding pretty badly."  
"Okay, if it starts gushing, then I'll go to the A&E," he persisted.  
"And possibly bleed out on the way," Richard slurred, looking somewhat excited at the prospect.  
"Hammond has a point, even if he has drunk his own body weight in beer. All right, fine, on your own head be it," I sighed as Jeremy still looked at me with stubborn refusal. Francie returned with a huge, red suitcase with a red cross, and put it on the table. "Okay, before I start poking around in that... How's your head?" I looked at the abrasion in his forehead, which looked like a painful scuff mark but nothing else. Gently I examined his nose, in case he'd broken it, but he didn't flinch. Drunk people could do that, break things without even knowing it.  
"Head hurts, but nothing major. I think my hand got the worst of it," he mumbled. I opened the suitcase it and found gloves, bandages and to my amazement, a few wound care kits that would have all I needed; tiny plastic forceps, saline, cotton balls and more gauze. Quickly I opened it, opened a little container of saline and poured it over the cotton balls, then snapped on my gloves. "Right. Man up, Clarkson." I picked up a pair of forceps and gently nudged the smallest looking shard of glass, then pulled it out of his hand. I held my breath, expecting a rush of blood but it didn't happen. The other two came out just as easily, they weren't lodged as deep as I had feared. Examining the rest of his cuts on his hand I couldn't see any more bits of glass, and proceeded to rinse it with saline. Jeremy bit his lip and drew a sharp intake of breath as the saline stung. "I said, man up," I smirked and covered his wounds with gauze pads before bandaging it up. I ordered him to move his fingers and curl up his hand into a fist, and he did. The scuff mark on his forehead got a quick rinse and a band-aid. "If there's any change in movement or loss of sensation, go to the doctor. If that hand goes red, or swollen, or warm - go to the doctor. Okay? " I shot Jeremy my most authoritarian, militant nurse-look, and amazingly he seemed to cower slightly under it.  
"Yeah, all right, I will, I swear."  
"I doubt that even can get infected," Francie mused. "He has so much alcohol in his blood that wound is basically sterile."  
"Get him home, yeah?" I said to Francie as I snapped off my gloves, gathered up the debris of bandage wrappings and bloody gauze and threw it in a bin, and she nodded her agreement. While I'd been sorting Jeremy out James had been standing behind me, watching with morbid fascination. Richard had gone quiet, he was sitting in a chair with heavy eyelids, obviously crashing. "Seems like you're about ready to find a bed too, Hamster," I said and patted his shoulder. He just sighed and mumbled something unintelligible. "James, keep him awake will you? I'll go find Mindy." I said good night to Jeremy and Francie, who was trying to usher her husband out while calling for their driver. I returned the suitcase to the kitchen, and headed off to find Mindy. She was sitting in a sofa in the middle of the first room, looking sour.  
"Have you seen my idiot husband?" She snapped.  
"Yeah, come on, I know where he is." On our way back to the closed-off room I hastily told her what had happened to Jeremy, and this seemed to lift her mood. It evaporated again when she saw her dishevelled husband half-asleep on a chair, however.  
"Thank god we have a room here at the hotel, imagine trying to get that home!" She pointed at her husband.  
"I'm so glad I don't have a drunken dinnum to carry home," I sighed with relief. Mindy said goodnight and somehow managed to get Richard on his feet and marched him out of the room. I couldn't resist laughing as I watched them go, and rubbed my face tiredly. "Oh my god, what a bunch."  
"You try working with them...!" He pointed out. I found my phone in my handbag and looked at the time, it was 2am and the party was almost over.   
"Now that my job here is done, I guess I can go home," I sighed.  
"I'm staying here, at the hotel..." James said. "I knew it would be late and I'd be on the piss."  
"Probably a smart move," I smirked. "If I could've afforded it I probably would have too." He followed me to the lobby where I retrieved my jacket, and then through to the hotel foyer. There were taxis waiting outside, the hotel had probably ordered up a bunch as people were going home. James just looked at me, not saying a word, but I thought I knew what he was about to say. "Yes, I'll text you when I'm home. Don't worry."  
"I will anyway," he said and pulled me in, hugged me close while he rested his chin on the top of my head.  
"Thanks for a really good night," I mumbled against his shirt, still being hugged.  
"Sorry about my stupid mates. Thank you for coming, it made my evening a lot better." It felt like something inside me exploded when I suddenly felt his lips kissing my forehead gently. Then his lips, and his arms, vanished. We looked at each other, awkwardly, I wanted him to kiss me so badly, internally I was screaming for it. Unable to bear the tension I averted my eyes, and when I looked back up again he'd taken a step back. My heart sank to the floor in a sad, wet puddle.  
"Good night, James."  
"Night, Emily. See you soon, Christmas gift swap," he winked. I smiled, albeit a little sadly, and walked out the door into the cold December air and hailed a taxi home.


	12. Chapter 12

The day before I was leaving for Norway, James dropped by with his Christmas gift. It was a big, flat squared box that rattled faintly when I shook it. In return he received a rectangle box that didn't rattle at all. He didn't stay long, as he was in a typical pre-Christmas state of manic stress, having things to sort out and gifts to buy. I teased him for being a typical man, leaving all the Christmas preparations for the last minute, then we said hurried goodbyes and my door slammed shut in front of me. I realised I might not see him again for weeks, and already missed him. I looked forward to seeing my family, especially my young nieces and nephews, and maybe catch up with a few old friends. But part of me didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay here, in London, close to James. And I wanted to go to Richard's New Year's party, just because I knew James would be there. My conscious wouldn't let me, though, I missed my family and they were expecting me.

Going back to Norway was like going back to a different, but familiar life. Having moved to England had been like starting afresh, nobody knew me, or thought they knew me, and nobody knew my history. Hence nobody had any prejudices or misconceptions about me, I was a blank page and could just be who I wanted to be. It was nice seeing my dad, my siblings and my nephews and nieces again, I realised that I had missed them even more than I had been aware of. And looking at the kids to whom I was an aunt, I realised just how fast time flies. I hadn't been gone for more than three and a half months, but they'd grown and changed so much. But it didn't take long before I missed England again. I missed London, I missed my job, my colleagues and the patients, and most of all I missed James. I felt torn in two and it made me unhappy and unable to just enjoy Christmas.

I was a good girl and held off unwrapping James' present for a long time. We let my nieces and nephews unwrap theirs, and we got them all to bed. Then it was the adults' turn, and we took turns unwrapping presents. My sister Elin and her husband Ken, my brother Eric and his wife Marianne, my dad and me. James' present was the last one in the pile, and everyone looked at me, wondering who it was from. I answered that it was my best mate back in England, and unwrapped it nervously. On top was an old, battered piano note-book. "Classical piano for beginners". I opened it, and there was a message hand-written on the first page. "This was my first piano book, I had it when I started learning. It's never too late to start playing again. Maybe your mum would even want you to? You're always welcome to come rehearse at my place. X James." The thought had never even occurred to me, that my mum would probably want me to start playing again, that she'd be happy to hear me play again. And I realised he was right, and I wanted to start playing again right away. Surprised I found myself having to swallow hard and make an effort not to cry. This was his first book, and hence a very personal gift. It probably meant something to him, and it meant a lot to me. It was a long time since I'd been so touched by anything anyone had given me. Underneath the battered piano book was a thick vinyl box set. The front said "Tom Waits - Orphans; Bawlers, Brawlers & Bastards." I'd wanted this set for ages, this particular album set was my absolute favourite by Tom Waits and I knew I'd said so to James, although I couldn't remember when. I didn't know what I had expected, but it certainly wasn't this. It was perfect. It was something I wanted, but not something I had specifically asked for, he had just paid attention at the right time. James had even admitted to having listened to Tom Waits quite a bit after he'd heard it from me. 

The next day I got a message from James, late in the afternoon. It was a picture of him, with one of his sisters, they were apparently outside and he was wearing one of my presents for him. I had spent most of my quiet evening shifts, and boring evenings at home, knitting a huge scarf for him. It was stripey and colourful, and resembled the scarf the fourth Doctor Who had worn. His cheeks were red from cold, but he looked happy, and handsome being bundled up in the big, fluffy scarf. I had also given him two books by Jared Diamond, the one about social evolution as well as the one about sex, just to throw him off a bit. The message said "Loved your presents, best gifts I had all Xmas. Sex-book slightly embarrassing in front of parents, though, even if I am a grown man. Have a good Christmas, come home soon. Hugs." The fact that he had written "come home soon" made me smile, because London suddenly felt just as much like home as Norway did. I enjoyed being home, catching up with the family and meeting a few friends, sleeping in and not having to go to work or school. But it didn't take long before I felt restless and uneasy, like I was out of place. Secretly I had entertained the idea to book a flight back and go to Richard's New Years Eve party. Maybe even without telling James, and surprise him. But I didn't have the heart to leave so soon. So I didn't book a flight back until January 3rd, which meant I still I had 9 days off when I got back to London. The day before New Years, when I'd finally managed to come to a decision and book that flight, I decided to call James.  
"Frozen to death yet?" Was the first thing he said.  
"Almost. Steady minus 20 outside, I'm spending most of my time by the oven in the living room like an arthritic dog," I muttered sourly.  
"Balmy plus three over here," he said, sounding gleeful.  
"Gee, thanks. Listen, I just called to say I'm not going back to London just yet. Could you let Richard know I'm not coming to his party? I don't have his number. And tell him I'm sorry, I would've loved to be there. I just think they'd be a bit miffed over here if I left so soon."  
"Oh, all right. I'll let him know." He did a bad job of hiding the disappointment in his voice.  
"So, how are you? Had a good Christmas so far?" I changed the subject.  
"Yeah, it's been good. Quiet. Had way too much fruit cake, I'm getting fat," he fretted.  
"Aw, is mum spoiling you rotten?" I teased.  
"Just a bit. I had to get out of there before I couldn't get into my jeans. Am in the garage now, just.. fiddling. Going down to Hammond's tomorrow, going to help a bit with preparations."  
"That's nice of you. Believe me, I would rather be there than here. I'm just..."  
"... Too nice to let anyone down," he finished.  
"Yeah... something like that."  
"Apart from being cold, how has your Christmas been then?"  
"Much like yours, quiet and with too much food. Met up with some friends and such. Played around in the snow with my nieces and nephews, lost a snowball fight badly. Sat down by mum's old piano and played a bit, actually."  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Mm. It's a bit out of tune though, drives me mad." For a moment the line went quiet. "I won't disturb your fiddling anymore. Just wanted to let you know about the party."  
"You're not disturbing me, "he said quickly, not wanting to let me go just yet. "When are you coming back?"  
"January 3rd. But I'm not going back to work until the 12th so I'm trying to come up with something to do in the meantime. I should see more of England really, I've hardly seen any of it. Maybe I should just.. go on trains all around the country, or rent a car. I can't sit still for over a week in my apartment..."  
"Sounds like a good idea?"  
"Yeah... Anyway, sorry for ranting. You have fun at the party, all right? Say hi to people from me, wish everyone a happy new year."  
"All right, I will."  
"And no one get hurt or start bleeding, I won't be around to fix it."  
"Are you worrying about me, now?" James' voice gave away that he was smiling.  
"Just a bit." I bit my lip even if he couldn't see it.  
"I like that..." He fell silent for a moment, then seemed to rally himself. "Listen, enjoy the rest of your time in Norway and with your family."  
"I'll try," I sighed, sounding thoroughly unhappy.  
"Is it that bad?"  
"I don't know, I'm probably just a miserable git, I feel like the Grinch. I'm restless, and most of all fucking cold all the time, and I miss my flat, and London, and proper beer, and most of all I miss you, and..." Wait, what? Did I just say that? I swallowed hard, trying to get my heart down back into my chest. It wouldn't budge. I couldn't breathe, and in that millisecond of silence I panicked and even thought about just hanging up. Thankfully, James' voice came through and pulled me back from a full blown panic attack.  
"Well, for what it's worth... I miss you too."  
"...yeah?" I breathed nervously, sounding hopeful.  
"Yeah, I do," he said, like it was the most natural thing in the world to say for him. He fell silent for a while, and when he started talking again he sounded different, as if he suddenly was in a hurry to get off the phone."It's just for another few days, you'll be back here in no time. I'll see you when you get back, all right?"  
"I.. yeah, I'm sure you're right," I said, too perplex to know what to answer. This wasn't how I'd wanted the conversation to continue. How could he just say he missed me too, just like that, and not say anything else? "I'll.. see you in a few days, I guess."  
"You will. Bye, Emily."  
"All right. Bye, James." The line went silent. I stared at my phone for a minute, still flummoxed by the end to that conversation. My mind was going into analyzing overdrive, calculating all possible variables; inflection, choice of words, pauses. In the end I concluded that he'd just meant "like a friend". He missed me as a friend. It was a perfectly legitimate thing to say to a good friend, wasn't it? Saying you missed them? Yeah, that had to be it. I cursed myself for getting excited, for thinking he meant it differently.

Everyone was going to my brother's house for New Years eve. Eric lived close to my dad's house, where I had been staying the past week. His apartment was over my dad's auto garage, it had a 2nd floor balcony and would have a much better view of the fireworks being launched in my tiny, rural town. We had a big, noisy family dinner where my two nieces and two nephews got most of the attention, which suited me fine. I was brooding, and trying to hide it. I hated New Years Eve, I had for as long as I could remember. After my mum had died, I'd spent quite a few New Years Eve's on my own, because my dad was a fireman and always got called out about thirty minutes to midnight when the first rocket veered off into a nearby house. Everyone was always so cheerful and in a party-mood, talking about a new year, fresh starts and new opportunities. But all I could feel was melancholy. Another year passed and I often felt like I hadn't gone anywhere. Nothing had really happened, apart from another year going by. Even though a lot had happened in the past few years, I'd finished my education, done my stint in Syria, and had now moved to a different country and had a new job. A lot had happened, if I just thought it over. But something was still missing. I was missing my mum. And my mate who had died. And this year I was missing James, too, and he was alive. He just wasn't here. And knowing he missed me, in whatever way he meant it, just made it worse. My family was used to my moods and just left me alone, I'd spent all my teenage years being the very definition of an angst-ridden teenager. And they knew how I felt about New Year's as well. I managed to keep my brooding to a minimum as long as the kids were awake, but when they weren't around to distract me anymore it all became too much. I wasn't enjoying myself, I just wanted to be alone in my New Years misery, and decided to go back to dad's house. I made an excuse about not feeling well and having a banging headache, but they probably knew I was just a bit miserable and wanted peace and quiet. Hopefully they had learned not to take it personally by now, too. I made the half mile walk back, bundled in my enormous down jacket, listening to music on my iPod. It felt good to walk, even if it was freezing cold, or maybe because it was. It cleared my thoughts a bit. And it made coming inside, into the dark warmth of dad's living room, so much better. I curled up in his big, comfy recliner with a glass of warm, mulled wine. The only lights on in the room was the lights on the Christmas tree, the fire burning in the stove, and the window decorations. I sighed loudly to myself, turned on Led Zeppelin and drew the blanket a little closer around me. Not exactly Christmas music, but I didn't care, I've heard far enough of it so far this season. In a moment of insanity I tried calling James. The phone was turned off. He was probably too busy drinking in a huge castle up in Herefordshire. I realised that even in my own private thoughts, I sounded bitter. I allowed myself to wallow in jealous thoughts for a bit, imagining James surrounded by gorgeous, party-clad women in a romantic Christmas castle in the countryside. I felt that awful sting in my chest that comes from jealousy, from hurt and longing. I turned the negative emotions inwards, directed them at myself. I had let my feelings for James become too strong and now I was paying the price for letting my heart run away with me. It wasn't his fault - he'd never made any promises, or done anything to make me believe he had feelings for me. Or had he? He'd just been there, hadn't he, been a good mate. We'd become close, dependent on each other for friendship and conversation. This wasn't the first time I had confused up the two, the love of a friend and the love of a lover. I always misread signals, thinking no one could be that nice or caring without feeling something... more. Dully I thought that I was so used to taking care of myself, as soon as anyone else seemed to try to I was ready to marry them.


	13. Chapter 13

I had been slumbering in my chair when my phone woke me up. It was 11.30, and it was my sister calling to check up on me. She told me they were about to wake the kids up to get them dressed and ready to go outside for the fireworks.  
"Really, waking children up at this hour only to drag them out in minus twenty... That sounds more like child torture than being good parents," I mused.  
"I distinctly remember doing it to you when you were four, and I was fifteen. And you fucking loved it," she shot back. Ah, the joy of having siblings over a decade older than you. She wished me a happy new year in advance, from her and everyone else, and hung up. With a sigh I got out of dad's cushy chair. As melancholic as the whole concept of New Years' made me, I liked the fireworks, they were still kind of magical to me. So I decided I had to go outside to see them. I laboriously got into my down jacket and thermal ski-pants, put on wool socks and huge snow-boots. Even if it took ages, I had decided I was too old to freeze my arse off, not when I had clothes to prevent it. I stuffed my phone in my pocket, pulled on a big, woolly hat and mittens and waddled outside. The snow crunched underfoot in a way it only does when it's really, horribly cold. The chill hit me like a prickly wall, but for now I could only feel it on my face. The upside of icy cold nights like these were that they were the clearest, most beautiful nights you could imagine; the stars were twinkling, the sky was black and the first fireworks were already going off in the distance with a dull wheeze and a crack. I just stood there, in the snow, staring up at the skies. A mixture of warm clothing and mulled wine kept me warm. My mind wandered, back to the familiar melancholic thoughts I always had on New Year's eve. To my past, to friends I'd had, and grown apart from, and whom I missed. To old boyfriends, and to those I wished had become so. To old choices, and regrets and what ifs. But most of all I thought about my mum, wondering for the millionth time what my life would've looked like if she hadn't died. Different, was the only answer I had found so far, and the only answer I would ever get. Inevitably I thought about my friend, my soul brother and lover, despairing in the unfairness of having lost him. Why did everyone important in my life have to disappear? Then I rallied, realising how defeatist and self-pitying I sounded. Neither my mum or my mate would've been impressed with this way of thinking, and would probably have told me to get over it and get a life. While throwing snowballs at me. Even when gone, they were my biggest supporters. As much as it hurt to have lost them, I was aware took my strength from them, from what they had taught me.   
"I miss you, mum. And I miss you, mate. Happy New Year's, guys." I muttered at the skies.   
Suddenly something closed around my shoulders from behind, it made me gasp with surprise and shock, and I went cold on the inside. From the light of the outdoor lamps I saw jacket-clad arms wrapped around me, hugging me. Then I heard a voice right by my ear.   
"What about me, then?" The familiarity of the voice took my fear away, but did nothing to lessen my surprise. Skin brushed against mine, a cheek I could have sworn I had felt against mine before. I wanted to turn around, but the arms were holding me tight.  
"James...?" I breathed, my voice had abandoned me.  
"Happy new year, Emily," he said softly in my ear, and cold lips kissed my cheek. I squealed with joy as the realisation hit me, that he was really here. Right then he couldn't have held me back no matter how much he tried - I spun around in his arms and clapped my arms around him, clinging on to him for dear life. I didn't ever want to let go, as if by letting go he'd disappear again somehow. The hug was slightly ruined by the fact that we were both wearing huge down jackets, it felt like hugging a duvet wrapped in a sleeping bag. But his cheek against mine, even if he was cold - I could feel that. I had a million questions, but for now just hugging him was more than enough.   
"Please tell me you're really here and I'm not freezing to death out here and hallucinating this?" I asked, squeezing him a little tighter.  
"I'm really here," he answered simply.   
"Happy new year, James," I whispered against his cheek when I finally found my voice again. His lips brushed over my cheek in search for my mouth, and he kissed me gently. I prayed that he kept holding me tight, because I was sure my legs wouldn't carry me anymore. His lips disappeared, and I opened my eyes to look into his for the first time that night.  
"That would've felt so much nicer if I could actually feel something, but my face is too frozen," I giggled and leaned my forehead against his.  
"Couldn't feel a thing," he said, half amused and half sad. He was bundled in the scarf I had knitted for him, but shivered all the same. "Emily, I am so cold, can we please go inside now?" He pleaded.  
"Yeah, let's go." We stomped through the snow towards the house. James snatched up an overnight bag that he'd left on top of the stairs as we entered the house, and the question of where the hell he'd come from flitted across my mind. The hallway felt like a sauna compared to outside, and I tore off mittens and my woolly hat as soon as I came inside, then started to peel off my winter clothing. James had been sensible enough to put on a down jacket like I had, and a pair of mittens and the scarf, but for some reason that was as far as his reasonableness went. Jeans just wasn't going to cut it in minus 20. Despite being inside, and having shed cold clothes, I still felt freezing, and James could only feel worse. The fire was still going in the stove, and I shoved a few more logs in. I pointed to the big, cushy recliner that had been my permanent spot all Christmas; close to the oven "Go on, sit, warm up." James sank down on it, stretching his arms towards the heat.  
"I'd forgotten how cold minus twenty is," he shivered.  
"Kind of amazing, considering you've been to the actual North Pole."  
".. in a slightly warm car," he pointed out. I picked up a fleece blanket from the sofa and threw it at him.  
"Want me to make some tea or something?" I asked, standing in front of James but facing the oven, also trying to revive frozen hands.  
"No, just... come here," he said, impatiently tugging at my arm, pulling me down to him.  
"James, I.. we both can't fit in that," I giggled, but I didn't really put up much of a fight. Awkwardly I crawled into the big chair and came to rest against him, head resting on his shoulder.  
"See? Works for me," he said softly and pulled the blanket over both of us. For a while we just lay there, curled up together, feeling the life and warmth slowly trickle back into our arms and legs. All I could hear was the crackle of the fire, the odd very late firework going off in the distance, and James' steady breathing. His arm was wrapped around me, holding me close. My hand was resting on his chest, sometimes fiddling absentmindedly with the zipper on his knit jumper. His free hand closed over mine, and we watched as our fingers and hands explored and played with each other, getting to know how to feel each other. Suddenly I remembered all the questions I had.  
"James?"  
"Mm..?" He hummed, his fingers brushing slowly over my palm, light as feathers.  
"I.. Why.. How...?" I began, not managing to decide which question to ask first. I sighed, and started over. "Ok, first things first. How did you get here?"  
"I caught the last plane to Oslo out of Heathrow. I landed about 8, rented a car with sat-nav."  
"Okay, makes sense. But how did you find me?"  
"I called up Steve down at the Top Gear office. One of the researchers. Gave him your name, and your brother's, and asked if he could find your address."  
"What if he hadn't found it?"  
"In the end I would have had to call you and ask, wouldn't I? I knew you couldn't be a million miles away from Oslo. Or I hoped, anyway."  
"And then?"  
"Well, Steve found your brother's address, and your dads. " I just looked at him, waiting for him to go on. "So I drove here, trusting in blind luck, really," he finished with a shrug.  
"I...," I began, but my voice failed me again. Even now, with his arm wrapped around me, curled up in his lap, I couldn't believe that he was here, holding me. Couldn't fathom that he'd done such a daft thing, that the controlled, methodical James I knew had just jumped on a flight hoping he'd find me somehow. I wanted to ask him why, what had made him come here. Maybe he read the question in my eyes, because he never had to ask it.  
"On the phone... You sounded so sad. I was missing you, thinking about you constantly. And when you said you missed me, too... I couldn't get that out of my head, it was driving me mad. So I just had to see you, had to figure out... what this is." He finished, looking a little insecure.  
"You know, I didn't actually mean to say that to you. That I missed you. It sort of... slipped out. Not that I didn't mean it, because I did. That I missed you. I was just scared to tell you,"I admitted with a shrug.   
"I was, too..." James admitted. "So basically we're just two insecure, confused teenagers?" He added with a little smile.  
"I guess. I just didn't... know how you felt, and I had all these..." I drew a deep breath, preparing to finally say it out loud. "...All these feelings for you and was just scared I'd get rejected and end up losing you as a mate on top of everything." I talked quickly, as if to get it over with faster. And now I was holding my breath. Even though James had come all this way, even if he'd hugged me and kissed me, telling him I had feelings for him was still nerve-wracking.  
"Like I said, insecure teenagers," he repeated with a little smile and ran his hand gently over my hair. The warmth in his smile made my stomach swoop with giddy happiness, and I broke out into a huge grin.  
"I still can't believe you're actually here."  
"I'm not sure I can, either," James agreed. "But I'm glad I am."  
"I am, too." I buried my face against his neck, taking in his scent, and he hugged me closer. "You do realise that you coming here means you will probably have to meet the family? And even.. the parent?" I teased.  
"It did cross my mind, honestly. But that wasn't going to stop me," he shrugged.  
"Wow, you must've really, really wanted to see me."  
"I was desperate..." he sighed, giving me a long, hard look. He caressed my cheek and cupped my face in his hand, caressing me gently with his thumb. He broke the silence with a little smile. "Can you feel your face yet?" I was only able to nod slowly, bracing for what might come next. With his hand still on my face he pulled me in closer, but stopped a few inches away from me, peering at me searchingly. It was as if he in the end wanted to leave it up to me to take the last step. If it was out of respect or insecurity, I didn't know. Unable to bear it any longer I closed my eyes and pressed my nervous lips against his. I could feel it this time, warm and soft lips against mine, returning my kiss, a little nervous at first. My hand slid from his chest to the back of his neck, and I tangled my fingers into his hair which I had wanted to feel for so long. We kissed slowly and tenderly, savouring every second of this moment that had been lying between us for ages, an inevitability just waiting to happen. I knew that now. That no matter how insecure we'd been about each other and our feelings, this would have happened sooner or later, it was just supposed to. We smiled at each other as we broke apart, and I caressed the side of his face, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. After a moment I realised I was just staring sappily at him, grinning stupidly, and blushed. I kissed him and rested against his shoulder again. A silence came over us in which we just enjoyed our closeness, enjoyed finally being certain of what we felt for each other. In the distance I heard a very late firework go off.   
"You know, I hate New Years," I mumbled quietly, fiddling with a lock of his hair.  
"What? Why?" He asked and kissed my forehead. And I told him why; what New Years meant to me, about the melancholy and sadness it made me feel, about the people I missed, how it always made me feel empty and miserable.  
"It just made feel like... Something was always missing in my life," I finished. James had listened quietly, running his hand down my back every now and then, or kissed my forehead. "But this New Years Eve..." I said and sat up slightly to look at him. "This one turned out to be a good one. For the first time since I can remember, I don't feel like I'm missing out on something. Because what I need is right here with me." James stared at me in silence for a while, seemingly too stunned for words. Instantly I worried that I'd gone too far, that I'd said too much and made him feel awkward or smothered, and I looked away. He noticed my insecurity and took my face in his hand again, making me look at him.  
"That is why I had to come here," he said simply. "Because I need to be with you." Words to express what I felt at that moment didn't exist, all I could to was hug him tightly and give him a long, lingering kiss which he returned, hugging me closer. Suddenly a question popped into my head and I kissed him one last time and then looked at him quizzically.  
"What the hell did you say to Hammond and the others? You must've told them something, since you didn't show up at his New Year's Party?"  
"I tried to come up with a good lie, or at least a decent and plausible excuse. In the end I just called Hammond and said that I had to be somewhere, and that I wouldn't if it wasn't important. He seemed to understand that it was important at least. Wonder what he told the others..." He mused, looking a bit worried.  
"I can't even begin to imagine," I laughed. James' phone suddenly came to life, vibrating in his pocket and he fished it out awkwardly.  
"Speaking of," he mumbled. "Just passed midnight in England. Got a message from Hamster." We read the message together. "Happy New Year's, mate, whatever you're up to. From all of us."  
"Aaw," I crooned, smirking. "You're arguing and taking the piss out of each other on the telly, but really you're just big softies."  
"That is a state secret, Emily. You know you'll never be safe again now, right?" He said, amazingly keeping a straight face.  
"The ninjas will follow my every move now, I know." I rolled my eyes at him, and typically he cracked first and chuckled. I kissed him quickly and rested into his shoulder again. Sitting in this chair, so close to the fire and under a blanket was getting way too hot, but I couldn't muster up the will to move from him. "James? If we can get tickets, can we go back to London tomorrow?" I asked suddenly. He looked at me, surprised.  
"But I thought you wanted to stay with your family a few more days?"  
"I did. But then you showed up. And.. as much as I love my family, it's not necessarily them I want to spend time with right now. I want to be with you, and just you, and not have my dad and kids running around."  
"You just want to get out of having to introduce me to them," he said, a teasing glint in his eyes.  
"Oh no, you're not getting out of meeting them, you'll have to say hello," I teased back, poking his chest. "But I'd rather just... we said hello and goodbye and then fucked off to someplace where it'll be just you and me, instead of hanging around with them for days."  
"Speaking of your family, where are they? This is your dad's house, right?"  
"Yeah, they're all at my brother's, not far from here. Dad decided to stay up there too, he couldn't be arsed to do the half-mile walk at 1am."  
"Oh, right. Of course we can go back to London, if that's what you want. I really don't mind where we are, as long as I'm with you," he said sincerely. I grinned widely at him and gave him a grateful kiss, then scrambled out of the chair.   
"Come on, let's see if there's any flights out of this frozen pit." James trailed behind me into what had once been my old bedroom. These days it was mostly a guest room, but it still bore signs of when it had been my teenage dungeon of angst; some posters on the walls, stickers on the closet doors, CDs I'd left behind. My laptop was charging on my bed, and I sat down on it with legs crossed and opened the computer. I felt the bed give way slightly as James sat down behind me on the bed and wrapped his arms around me. Having left the warmth of the blanket, the oven and James' body, I felt a bit chilly, and he apparently did too. He hugged me, resting his chin on my shoulder and watched as I surfed for flight tickets. Despite being a day where a lot of people returned from the holidays, we had a few options. "Ooh, can we take this one, at 3pm? That way we'll have to leave here by like... noon, it won't be so late when we get back to London and I'll get out of boring family lunch as well!" I said, clapping with childish excitement.  
"All right, fine by me," James said, amused at my eagerness to get out of a family event. I booked the tickets quickly and closed the computer. "That means we're leaving in... ten hours." He looked at his watch.  
"And I need to pack first." I turned around to face him. "Aw, poor thing, you're probably exhausted, you've taken a flight and driven here..." I said sympathetically, caressing his cheek. "How about I make some sandwiches, if you're hungry, and then we get some sleep? I'll pack in the morning."  
"Sounds perfect," he smiled tiredly, and I wrapped my arms around him and we collapsed backwards on the bed in a shower of kisses and giggles. Tearing myself away from James I got out bed and made some quick sandwiches that we had in the kitchen. I wrote a quick message to my sister, telling her to call me when she got up. I knew I would have some explaining to do, and some excuses to make in the morning. It was already 2.30 by the time we crawled back into bed. James sank down on the bed next to me, stretched out an arm and pulled me as close as he could. I rested my head against his shoulder again and kissed his neck softly.  
"I still can't believe you're really here," I whispered against his skin. He answered with his lips, but not in words. The kiss he gave me was so heartfelt and full of love, no one had ever kissed me like that.  
"Believe it now?"  
"Mm, not sure... If I'm dreaming or hallucinating, I hope I never snap out of it," I mumbled, already feeling drowsy.  
"Hm. Well, I can spend days trying to convince you, I don't mind," he offered. We chuckled and shared one last good-night kiss, then drifted off to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

That night I woke up many times. It had been many years since I'd slept next to someone, and even though I had missed it bitterly my body wasn't used to it any more. I didn't mind waking up, every time I did I kissed his neck, sighed happily and drifted back to sleep. My phone woke me up at 9.30. I'd tucked it under my pillow, knowing my sister was going to call in the morning.  
"Hey, hang on a minute," I said in hushed tones into the phone as I tried to free myself from James grasp and scramble out of the bed. James stirred and half-opened his eyes. "Go back to sleep," I whispered at him and planted a quick kiss on his warm, sleepy lips before I hurried out of the room. "Hi, hello, sorry," I said when I'd closed the bedroom door behind me. Just having left the warmth of the bed and James' body I felt cold, and curled up in the recliner with the fleece blanket.  
"Why were you whispering?" She asked.  
"Long story. Happy new years! Did the kids enjoy the fireworks?"  
"Happy new years! Yeah they did, they quickly forgot how tired they were when the rockets started going off."  
"That's good. Listen, I need to talk to you. A mate of mine showed up last night. From England."  
"Last night? When? Hang on, did you say from England?!"  
"Yeah, he came here from London. Remember that piano book and Tom Waits records I got for Christmas? They were from him."  
"But.." Elin began, trying to decide which question to ask first in order to make sense of the situation. "Did you know he was coming?"  
"Um, no.." I said, unable to hold back a smile when I thought of last night. "He wanted to surprise me, so he showed up here at midnight. We... missed each other."  
"He must be more than just a friend to you, then?"  
"Yeah.. Well he is now, anyway. We've been thinking about each other for months, at least I have, we've just been... Daft."  
"So he came all the way from London to see you? Aw, that's so... Why didn't romantic things like that ever happen to me?" She sighed. "I got together with my husband while on the piss in a wedding." I could hear the kids being noisy in the background.  
"Are you all going to be incredibly offended and shun me from the family if I go back to London with him today?"  
"Today? Can you even get a flight out today?"  
"Yeah, we can..." I said vaguely, not wanting to admit that I'd already booked it. There was a little silence as she thought it over.  
"Of course we won't be mad," she said in an understanding tone, and I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief. "You've spent over a week with us already, I know it's driving you up the wall living on top of us like this, I'm surprised you've lasted this long. I totally get that it's much more tempting to spend time alone with him, come on, I remember what it was like just getting a boyfriend."  
"Exactly..! This just.. happened so suddenly and it's new to me, we just need some time. Think you could tell the others about this? Please don't make me stand in front of all of them and tell them."  
"Oh man, you owe me a big favour if I do this for you," she warned. Just as I was about to answer she started talking again."Yeah, I'll tell them. When are you leaving? Are you dropping by before you go? I want to meet him! Oh, what's his name?" Suddenly I realised that James was famous and on the telly, not just in England but in Norway as well. I'd watched Top Gear with my brother many times, and he would definitely know who he was, I hadn't even considered that. I realised I needed to do some more explaining.  
"Flight leaves at 3, thought we'd leave here by noon, he has to return a rental car and I don't know how the traffic will be in to the airport, lots of people are travelling today. But yeah, I thought we'd stop by quickly, say hi."  
"And his name?"  
"James. James May. Eric might know who he is, actually..."  
"He would? How?" She sounded nonplussed.  
"He's been on the telly a bit... On this car show we've watched. You know the three blokes?"  
"So he's famous?" It sounded so ridiculous, because "fame" automatically conjured up associations of paparazzi, huge estates, a jet-set life with high glam-factor, and that just wasn't James.  
"I guess... A bit. He's so down to earth, though, I never think about it really." To my surprise she broke out laughing.  
"This might be the weirdest conversation I've ever had with you," she chuckled. "I may have seen that show, not sure. I'll try to remember his name, check with Eric if it rings a bell. Come over before you leave, all right? I have to meet him now!"  
"Okay, we will. And tell the others, yeah? Is dad staying there until lunch?"  
"Nah, he said he was going to nip home for a while, change clothes and stuff, he's leaving soon."  
"Tell him before he comes here, please?"  
"Bloody hell, you're demanding this morning!" She huffed, but I could hear she was just teasing me. "Yeah yeah, I'll tell daddy your boyfriend came over and spent the night. In his house!"  
"Thanks awfully," I sighed, but had to smile. We said goodbye and hung up. I padded back to the bedroom and opened the door quietly. James was asleep again, and I decided to let him stay that way. Trying not to be noisy I rummaged through my open suitcase for some clean clothes and went for a shower. Just as I had gotten out of the shower I heard the front door open and heavy footsteps stamping in, that had to be dad coming home. I froze with terror when I also heard James' voice in the hallway, calling my name. Panicking I wrapped a huge towel around me and hurriedly unlocked the door. James was in the bedroom doorway, wearing only a T-shirt and boxers. Dad was by the front door, looking dishevelled in a rumpled suit that he'd worn the previous night, his tie poking out of his pocket. He was staring at the strange man coming out of his daughter's bedroom. This doesn't happen to real people, this only happens in films, doesn't it? The silence was awkward and enormous, expanding with every passing nanosecond. I could tell James wanted to dive back into the bedroom and shut the door, but he couldn't now, not when he'd so clearly been seen.  
"Hi dad!" I said, way too loudly, desperately trying to sound normal. "This is James." I had to speak Norwegian, knowing my dad felt like he couldn't speak a word of English, even though he could if he just dared to. "James.. meet my dad." I said and gave him a sympathetic shrug. Amazingly, dad shook James' hand and even attempted an English "hello", which James returned.  
"Dad, go.. do something," I told him. He looked relieved at being dismissed from the situation and headed for the living room. "I'll put some clothes on, be there in a second," I told James and he retreated into my bedroom. Hastily I got into my cotton tights and a long knit sweater in the bathroom. James was back under the covers when I came in, tapping away at his phone.  
"Well, that was the most embarrassing moment in my adult life," James said matter-of-factly.  
"Why didn't you stay in the bedroom?!" I asked, unable to hide a giggle. I laid down on top of James, on top of the duvet.  
"I heard someone in the house, I'd just woken up - I thought it was you!" He cringed as he thought of what had just happened.  
"I'm sorry, I knew he was coming home soon but I thought I'd manage a quick shower before he did. I let you sleep, thought you needed it."  
"I can't believe I just shook hands with your dad in just my pants..." he moaned, hiding his face in his hands.  
"You did have a t-shirt on," I said in an effort to comfort him. He removed his hands and looked at me, half offended, obviously thinking that wasn't much consolation. I tried to give him a sympathetic look of understanding. Then I broke out laughing, and so did he, and we collapsed in a laughing fit.  
"He didn't seem very upset to find a half-naked strange man in his house with his daughter," James mused. "Is he used to that?"  
"What are you insinuating, sir!" I gasped, pretending to be shocked and jabbed his chest with a sharp finger, then I laughed. "Nah, he knew someone would be here with me. I talked to Elin earlier, told her everything, and asked if she could tell him."  
"What did she say?"  
"She wants to meet you, she's dying of curiosity. They all are, I bet you anything that's why dad came home so quickly, too."   
"Oh, great." He rolled his eyes.  
"How much are you regretting coming here right now?"  
"Not one bit," he said seriously, and pulled me in for a long kiss. "But it'll be nice to just be the two of us."  
"Bathroom is free, if you want a shower or something. I have to start packing." We shared a final kiss before we got out of bed and James disappeared into the bathroom. My dad was in the kitchen, he'd busied himself by lighting a fire in the oven again, as it was still bitterly cold outside. And he'd made coffee. I poured myself a cup and sat down by the kitchen table.  
"I'll be out of your hair in a minute, I'm just having this and then I'll get changed and go back to your brother," he mumbled and raised his own coffee cup. He seemed as flustered as James had been.  
"It's all right dad, you don't have to hurry out of here because of us."  
"I promised Elin I'd help with lunch," he said ominously.  
"Oh, in that case you better hurry, then," I smirked. "I'm sorry that I'm suddenly leaving, but..."  
"Oh, don't worry about it," he waved, put his coffee cup in the sink and ruffled my wet hair fatherly. And just like that, everything was ok. He didn't seem disappointed, or angry, just seemed mildly amused, and understanding. Maybe he was just relieved I'd finally found someone. Even if he never said anything, I knew he worried that I'd never find anyone after my mate died. My dad was perceptive and smart about these things, he just so rarely talked about it. He shuffled out of the kitchen an into his own bedroom, and emerged a few minutes later, having changed. "I better get back. I'll see you and your.. um, James was it? before you leave, yeah?"  
"Yeah, we'll drop by on our way to the airport."

After dad had left I started packing up my things. My suitcase was huge, as I'd have to pack winter clothing as well as nice clothes for parties, and I hadn't known how long I'd be in Norway. When James had finished his shower we had a late breakfast in the kitchen and by that time it was already half past eleven and we had to get going. We packed everything in the little rental Polo, and I offered to drive as I knew where we were going.  
"Are you ready for this?" I asked with a raised eyebrow as I parked the car in front of my brothers' garage door.  
"Yes. No. Yes. I mean, I don't understand Norwegian so I won't know what they're saying about me. And not everyone understands English so there's a limit to how many people I can offend."  
"Just know that my sister has a degree in English."  
"You are not being helpful." He looked at me unhappily. I leaned over and gave him a reassuring kiss.  
"It'll be fine. We'll be in and out in fifteen minutes. Promise." I didn't bother to knock, he was my brother after all and I knew I was expected. Eric's house was fairly new, and had a big kitchen, living room and dining room all in one space. Dad, Elin and Marianne was busy in the kitchen. Ken, the brother in law, was miraculously sleeping on the couch, undisturbed by the racket. My oldest niece Amalie and nephew Nikolai, both seven, were watching cartoons on the telly. On the floor was my four year old niece Jenny and baby nephew Max, being entertained by my brother. Everyone turned their attention to us as we entered. All the adults greeted James politely, shaking hands. I giggled at my somewhat star-struck brother, who didn't know how to act at all. He was just as shy about his English as our dad, and I could tell he had tonnes of things he would have wanted to talk to James about. I took pity on him and reminded James that this was my brother that I'd told him about, who restored old cars. As I told James of the cars he had in the garage I could tell that Eric perked up a little, swelling with pride. My sister peered interestedly at James, hiding her curiosity badly. Deciding it was about time we left I picked up my baby nephew Max and called the other kids over, then hunkered down to their eye-level.  
"Come over here, I have to tell you guys something. Listen, I don't know if anyone has told you but auntie is leaving today." They looked quizzically at me, looking disappointed.  
"Where?" Jenny asked defiantly, already sulking.  
"I'm going back to London, where I go to school now. I'll be back before you know it." The two older children shrugged, seemingly happy with the reason I had given and I received quick farewell hugs. They didn't have time for their aunt, cartoons were so much more interesting. Jenny was still staring up at me with big, sad eyes. Max had one hand tangled in my hair, staring at his older cousin confusedly, wondering why she was sad. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry," I apologised. "It's no fun having to leave you guys. But we'll talk on the computer like we have before, right? With video and everything." Somewhat comforted by this, Jenny shifted her focus to James who was standing behind me, silently watching the situation.  
"Is he going with you?" She asked innocently.  
"Yes, he is. That's James, he lives in London too," I smiled and looked at him. James, noticing how I'd mentioned his name and how Jenny was peering curiously at him, he squatted down next to me and smiled at her. Jenny retreated towards me, putting her arms around my neck and hid her face against my shirt for a second. Torn between shyness and curiosity she peered at him with one eye, still clinging on to me. "James is really nice, you know," I told her confidentially. "And he's funny. And he has really silly hair." At this she giggled and straightened up to look some more at him, loosening her grip on me somewhat. Then she leaned into me conspiratorially and hissed in my ear in a very carrying whisper that everyone heard. "Auntie, is he... your boyfriend?" She looked at me secretively, eyes glittering. To her, the concept of having a boyfriend was equally embarrassing and exciting.  
"Yes, he is, but don't tell anyone! It'll be our secret, okay?" I said in her ear in the same carrying whisper. I had trouble keeping a straight face when she looked at me and tried to wink with one eye but failed and just blinked hard with both eyes. She was convinced that no one but her had heard our little secret, and everyone tried to hide their smirks and laughs. She straightened up a bit, looking grave, taking upon herself the task of keeping my secret very seriously. "I have to go now, sweetie, okay?"  
"Okay auntie," she said and collapsed into me for a hug. To my surprise she even tottered over to James and gave him a quick, embarrassed hug before retreating to her mother. I gave baby Max another kiss and a hug, and did the rounds, saying goodbye to everyone. A few minutes later we were back in the car, buckling in.  
"That wasn't so bad?" I said encouragingly. "A bit of stupid gawking but other than that?"  
"No, it wasn't completely horrible," he conceded. "But what was it little Jenny whispered to you?" He asked, looking as curious as she had been.  
"She asked if you were my boyfriend." I said as I swung out onto the road and we started the 90 minute drive to the airport. I was so ready to go back, to get out of this intense cold and back to London. Back home. "And I said yes, but that it had to be our secret. Oh, and I told her you have silly hair." James laughed and put his hand on my knee. We drove most of the way in comfortable silence, just listening to the radio. His hand remained on my knee and I held it every now and then.


	15. Chapter 15

It was a bright and sunny, but bitterly cold day. By the time we reached the airport the sun was already setting. James returned the car as I printed boarding passes from the automatic machine and dropped off the baggage. People where staring and whispering as James and I neared the security check, reminding me that I was with someone everybody knew. We were very much in public now, and would be for hours until we made it out of Heathrow, and I knew that I couldn't hold his hand or kiss him, that us acting like a couple would be noticed and rumours would start flying. James and I hadn't talked about this, but it was just common sense. Passing right behind him in security, I couldn't resist brushing my hand over his bum, quickly so no one would see. He startled a bit and spun around to look at me. I shot him a quick, flirty look and went back to putting things into the little plastic container to send through security. He retaliated later by sneaking his hand up the back of my shirt while we were behind some shelves walking through tax-free, caressing my bare skin. His warmth left glowing patches on the small of my back. It turned into a game, where the aim was to tease each other with touches, pinches, smiles or looks, but always secretively so we wouldn't get caught by anyone. Our game was sometimes interrupted by people coming up to James, wanting just to say hi or have a picture with him. I always tried to melt into the background and be invisible, and no one really seemed to notice me, or wonder why I was with him, they were too preoccupied with talking to James. By the time I landed heavily in my seat on the plane I was tired and frustrated with people. They weren't bothering us, most people just gawked and the few who dared approach him were all very nice. I just didn't want to share him, didn't want to be surrounded by people who prevented me from hugging and kissing him.  
"You all right?" James asked quietly when he'd settled in his own seat.  
"Hm? Yeah, just... Anxious to get back," I said.  
"Have a nap or something, makes the flight shorter, " he said mildly, giving me a sad look of longing, I could tell he wanted to hug me but couldn't.  
"Hmm, good idea," I agreed. When we'd taken off I pulled my jacket over me like a blanket, thinking I could try to sleep, or at least just lose myself in the anticipation and happiness I felt. James had taken out an iPad from his bag, finally proving he had one, and started reading a book on it. I tried to settle in my seat, searching for a somewhat comfortable position. I was almost nodding off to sleep when I felt James' hand gently come to rest on my knee, underneath the jacket. I startled a bit, but didn't open my eyes. The warmth and weight of his hand was soothing. At the same time this forbidden sign of adoration made my heart rate quicken a little. The hand remained still for a long time, and I slowly relaxed again, feeling myself doze off. I was stirred awake again by his hand moving slowly upwards a few inches to my inner thigh. He squeezed it gently and caressed me by stroking his fingers back and forth across my cotton tights. I brushed my fingertips gently over his hand, relishing that I could actually caress him properly. He squeezed my thigh again and slid his hand halfway up my inner thigh, going back to caressing it. My heart was already racing and I had a glowing knot in my stomach. Mostly I was wondering how far he was going to go. Once again I brushed my fingertips over his hand, signalling him that this was okay. He took his time, caressing me slowly, his hand feeling warmer. As if he felt I was starting to relax a bit again, his hand slid another few inches up my thigh. Involuntarily my legs moved apart for him, giving away how eager I was for him to keep touching me. I half-opened one eye and saw that he was still reading, looking calm and natural, all though maybe his face was a little more flushed. I closed my eyes again and breathed nervously. James shifted somewhat in his seat, as if to just change the way he sat slightly, and used the opportunity to move his hand further upwards. The placement of his hand and his movements was hidden by the jacket I had draped across me, but it could probably be seen that he had his hand on my thigh. What if someone saw? The thought made me even more excited. I swallowed hard, feeling his hand resting between my legs, his palm against my thigh, as far up as it would go. The fingers resumed their circular movements on my upper thigh, but the skin underneath was much more sensitive. My stomach was in uproar from nerves and excitement and what fast was becoming sheer lust. My palms were clammy and felt goose bumps on my arms. I nearly held my breath in anticipation. He kept me waiting, continuing to caress my thigh slowly. Then he moved his hand barely an inch further. Two fingers were slowly and gently running up and down the cotton fabric of the tights and panties that covered my pussy. It was already a bit damp, and he felt it. I stirred slightly under his touch and drew another deep breath. He didn't stop, but kept up the tortuous, slow caressing of me through my tights. I was breathing shallow now, mouth slightly open. His touch became firmer and he concentrated on the most sensitive area, round the clit, making the fabric even damper. I was barely aware of the fact that we were on a plane with hundreds of people, but I had to keep that in mind, I couldn't moan or pant loudly. The roar of the engines was drowning out my heavy breathing, but I couldn't risk being louder. Frustrated I stirred a bit again, pressing myself against his fingers, wanting him to touch harder. Without warning his hand slid down my thigh and disappeared. I opened my eyes and peered at him, barely able to see straight through my lust filled haze. Seeing his eyes I understood why he'd stopped. He was driving himself crazy just as much as he was torturing me, and he couldn't take it any longer, his eyes was just as lust filled and desperate as I felt. He cleared his throat loudly and made a innocent "nothing just happened" face, and tried to focus on his book again. I was left sitting there in a horny craze, desperate for release. I even considered going to the airplane toilet and sort it myself. But I didn't want to, didn't want to do that to James. This orgasm brewing inside me was his, the first one he'd stirred in me, and I'd save it for him. The rest of the flight went by with me distractedly flicking through the in-flight magazine, but not taking in a word.

It was like everything and everyone was moving deliberately slowly now, and I felt years had passed by the time I was through passport control and actually had my suitcase. I had barely dared to look at James after he stopped touching me, I couldn't if I was to keep myself calm. Entering the cool air outside the terminal cleared my thoughts a bit. It wasn't as cold as I had expected, nearly having acclimatised to the arctic climate going on in Norway. I followed James' lead through the parking complex.  
"I'm nearly impressed," I said as I recognised his Fiat.  
"What, that I enough sense of direction to find the car?" He said defensively.  
"Mhm." He fished his keys out of his jacket pocket and unlocked it, then stuffed our baggage in the back. I looked around, the car park seemed empty, so I risked it and grabbed James by his jacket and pushed him up against his car. I kissed him roughly, running my hands over his neck and through his hair, pressing my body up against him. He responded by resting his hands on my hip and returning my frantic kisses. It took all my discipline to be able to tear myself away from him, and when I did we were both panting loudly. He looked surprised, but pleasantly so.  
"My place, was it?" He said with a cheeky grin and eyebrows raised. All I could manage was to nod weakly, swallowing hard. I staggered around the car and got in the passenger seat, buckling in. I drew a deep breath and tried to calm myself again. It had taken that one kiss to make all that lust I had felt on the plane reignite inside me. I turned on the radio, needing something to distract me.

The traffic wasn't too bad, and we made it to Hammersmith and James' house in half an hour. He parked in the street and we lugged the baggage inside. The door slammed shut behind me as James flicked on the lights in the hallway and habitually deposited his keys on a little table. The look he gave me next nailed me to the floor and made my heart stop. God, those blues eyes. He came two steps closer and I welcomed him by wrapping my hand around his.  
"Finally," he sighed. "It's just you and me."  
"Hmm, not quite," I smiled and looked pointedly downwards. Fusker was winding himself around our legs in figure of eights, desperately wanting some affection.  
"Oh, don't mind him. He won't tell anybody."  
"Mm, I don't know," I said hesitantly. "I've never trusted cats, they are conniving little creatures. He might tell that ginger little kittykat down the street he keeps fooling around with. And I know she lives with an Alsatian. And before you know it the whole neighbourhood knows..." James gave a little laugh. He raised his hand, ran it gently through my hair, his fingers caressed my temple and my cheek before his hand came to rest on the side of my neck. He gave me a long, warm kiss.  
"I have to go put some heat on, it's cold in here. Make some tea?" He asked, and I nodded. Fusker was sitting by the entrance to the kitchen, tail wrapped around his front paws, obviously sulking over the fact that none of us had bothered to greet him properly. I bent down, gently lifting the cat up into my arms and carried him into the kitchen, scratching him behind the ears and under the chin. Fusker started purring. Still carrying him around I filled the kettle with one hand and flicked it on.  
"You're just sucking up to him so he won't rat us out, aren't you?" James smirked as he entered the kitchen.  
"Yeah, but don't tell him that!" I hissed as I covered Fuskers ears with my hand. I scritched him behind the ears a few more times before carefully setting him back down on the floor. Obviously happy with the greeting Fusker trotted towards the living room, probably going back to sleep, tail held high. I found some mugs and James found teabags. He dropped them into the mugs, but suddenly it seemed like he realised that we were alone and he could do whatever he wanted. His hands took hold of my waist and he pulled me toward him, pinning me against the kitchen counter, his chest pressed against mine. My stomach did another excited swoop as he without hesitation leaned in and kissed me unhurriedly. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and lost myself in the way he kissed, tenderly and sincerely, it made me weak at the knees. When we broke apart, James bent down slightly, his hands slid down my back, cupped my bum and with surprising ease hoisted me up and onto the kitchen counter. An excited giggle escaped me, and I caressed the back of his neck. James looked at me with love and admiration in his eyes.  
"God, I love your smile," he said as he leaned in again to claim another kiss.  
"Thank you," I breathed, knowing I was blushing furiously. Again he stopped a few inches from my face, but when I leaned in to kiss him like I had done before he pulled back a bit, a teasing glint in his eyes. I tried again, with the same result. "Careful. Haven't you teased me enough today already?" I warned.   
"Have I?" he said with feigned surprise.  
"What was that on the plane then, if not a massive tease?" James didn't say anything to defend himself, he just bit his lip and raised his eyebrows slightly, looking innocent as a schoolboy and apologetic at the same time. "Oh don't give me that look, you were probably enjoying the hell out of that.."  
"I must admit, watching squirm in your seat was great fun, yes."  
"You're insufferable," I murmured and parted my legs, wrapped them around his hips and pinned him against my own body.  
"Who's teasing now, hm?" he said lifting an eyebrow. He was leaning on the kitchen counter, chest pressed against mine.  
"Oh you just wait, I'll pay you back someday," I said.  
"I can't wait..." His lips brushed over mine as he whispered against my mouth, and yet again I immersed myself in the feeling of his kisses. James' warm, manly traveled over my hips and thighs. He grabbed hold of me hips, pulling me closer to him, his body pressing against mine, almost grinding. Our breaths quickened as our kisses became deeper and more intense, our hands more restless. When we finally broke apart we were both breathing raggedly, my heart pounding in my ears.  
"I think the kettle was done quite a while ago," I said weakly.  
"I'm not that fussed about tea anymore," he replied.  
"Me neither." Strong hands wrapped around my waist and gently lifted me back down on the floor. Wordlessly he took me by the hand and lead me upstairs towards his bedroom. Fusker had heard us walking upstairs and came sauntering after us.  
"No. You stay out there, you pervy little..." James mumbled to his cat as he let me into his bedroom and shut the door behind him.

He flicked a switch, lighting only the lamps on the nightstands. I felt a little forlorn and awkward standing alone on the floor a little distance away from him. I was cold and missing his arms and his warmth, and suddenly I felt shy. He took two steps towards me, his arms closed around me once again and we shared another long, drawn-out kiss. His eyes twinkled in the dimly lit room as he looked into my eyes while pulling my sweater up over my head and tossed it to the side. He huffed disapprovingly as he saw that I had a tank top underneath and quickly pulled that off as well. My skin erupted in goose bumps and I shivered as his warm hands touched my bare skin properly for the first time, brushing over my stomach and coming to rest at my sides. Smiling at him I started unbuttoning his shirt, the buttons were small and I had to concentrate on what I was doing. Patiently James studied my focused face until I had undone the last one. Quickly I slipped it off his shoulders and it fell to the floor. He had a t-shirt underneath and I pulled it out of his jeans and over his head. With nervous excitement I placed my palms against his chest. Feeling his bare skin beneath my fingertips felt wonderful, and I slid my hands slowly across his chest, his shoulders and down his arms. Earlier, on the plane, I had felt frantic, in a rush to be close to him, but now I wanted to be slow, take my time and enjoy all our first. Tentatively he slid my black tights down over my hips and I helped getting them off.  
"Bloody Nora..." He breathed as his eyes moved up and down my body, taking me in.  
"At least I put on matching underwear..." I said with a nervous laugh.  
"I can't remember if I did," James retorted with an expression of mock insecurity. We both chuckled as I unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his jeans. Once unbuttoned I hooked my fingers inside the lining of his jeans and pulled them down. The weight of the heavy belt and the spare change in his pocket, along with gravity, did the rest and they fell to the floor. He stepped out of them and kicked them to the side.  
"Come on," he said softly and taking hold of my hand again he lead me to the bed. I moved the duvet out of the way and sank down onto it with James. The sheets were cold and I crawled into his arms, inching up as close as I could, and James pulled the duvet over both of us. We lay there for a while, as close as we could with arms wrapped around each other, nose to nose, just looking at each other, breathing together. I snuck a leg in between his, and he caressed the small of my back. I sighed happily, relishing the sensation of his warm body, his soft skin. He gently ran a hand down the side of my face, looking into my eyes.   
"I remember the first night you slept next to me," I smiled at him. "It made me feel so safe, you being there, having you close."  
"It felt good, being able to take care of you. Every night I was stupid enough to just said goodbye to you and went to bed alone... I kept wishing I was lying like this with you."  
"Yeah, you were a bit stupid, " I mumbled. "But so was I. God knows how many times I've wanted you to just bloody kiss me!"  
"Sorry it took so long to work up the courage..." he muttered. Then he did as I wanted, and kissed me, slowly and deeply. I buried my fingers in his hair and kissed him passionately, pressing my breasts against his chest. Untangling my fingers from his hair I slid my palm firmly down the length of his back and onto his bum, giving it a little squeeze. In response to this I felt James' tongue on my lips, hesitantly, as if unsure if I would want to feel his tongue on mine. To reassure him I kissed the tip of his tongue, and soon our tongues played with each other while our hands explored our bodies. I couldn't stop touching him, feeling his skin, I had wanted to for so long. James broke away from me, but only to push me firmly but gently onto my back. Carefully he followed, coming to rest between my legs, leaning on his arms in order to look down at me.  
"Hi," I smiled up at him and clasped my hands around his neck.  
"Hey you," he replied and leaned down to kiss me. His mouth moved gently across my cheek to my earlobe, I could feel his breath against my skin and the hint of a stubble. My heart was pounding in my chest already. I couldn't believe I was here, half naked in bed with James who was kissing my neck. As if he had always known it was there he kissed and then licked that sensitive spot I had beneath my earlobe, and I drew a short, sharp breath of pleasure. He continued nuzzling his way down my neck, my collarbone, my shoulder. Already I could feel him pressing against me, warm and hard, and the knowledge that he was as turned on as I reassured me, making me feel comfortable. As he reached the strap of my bra he slipped a finger underneath it and slid it off my shoulder, giving me a quick look as he did so to ask if it was all right. I said nothing, just smiled encouragingly at him, and he proceeded to kiss the skin where the strap had been a second before. His long hair fell across his face and brushed lightly against my skin as his mouth moved downwards toward my bra, almost tickling me. Reaching the lace fabric of my black bra he pulled the strap even further down my arm, revealing my breast and excited, erect nipple. I shivered with excitement as his fingertips delicately brushed the side of my breast, and he lowered down again to kiss the top of it. Every inch he kissed and touched felt like it was on fire. When his mouth reached my nipple he kissed it ever so lightly. I encouraged him by entwining my fingers into his hair again. A wet and warm mouth closed around my hard nipple, and I felt goose bumps blossom all over my body. Instinctively I arched my back up against him, pressing my breast against his mouth. A soft, slippery tongue slid in lazy circles around the nipple, and suddenly the warmth disappeared. Distracted I opened my eyes, wondering why he had stopped. Without warning he drew a breath and blew on the glistening wet nipple, his breath made icy cold by the wetness and the heightened sensibility. The contrast from his warm mouth to this cold breath was brutal, almost teetering on the brink uncomfortable, and I gasped in surprise, closing my eyes. The slight discomfort was quickly forgotten and even faster forgiven when his mouth closed around my nipple again, softness and warmth encompassing it once more. "Oh, god...!" I moaned, almost involuntarily, and a lot louder than I would have wanted to. My nipple was more erect and sensitive than it probably ever had been, and when he started sucking lightly on it I felt an electric sensation ripple through me, from my nipple and right down to my clit. Bloody hell. His treatment of my nipple had felt indescribable, and my head was now swimming. By the time his mouth let go of my nipple my breathing was ragged and I was desperate for his mouth. Urgently I pulled his face up to mine and kissed him hungrily.  
"That bra needs to come off," he said in between kisses. I sat up slightly, leaning on my elbows.  
"Go on then," I said in a challenging tone.  
"I'm going to need scissors, aren't I," he said in a resigned voice, but slid his arms around to my back and gave it a go nonetheless. After a moments fiddling the bra unhooked. "God, that was easy," he mumbled surprised, and I laid back down. James slid the straps down my arms and tossed the bra on the floor. For a moment he remained still, leaning on one arm and looking down at me, eyes greedily taking in my body. Then he moved so that he laid on his side next to me rather than between my legs. Gently his fingertips brushed the side of my neck and slowly slid down over my chest, between my breasts and down my stomach. I shivered again from anticipation. His eyes had tracked the movement of his hand, but now he fixed his gaze on my eyes as his fingers disappeared under the fabric of my lace panties. Without even thinking I parted my legs slightly. As his fingertip slowly slid in between my labia I could feel how warm and wet I already were. His touch was feather light as his finger began to move in slow circles, and I closed my eyes, leaned my head back and exhaled heavily. I could feel his eyes still on me, and I let him stare, let him see the pleasure he was giving me. When he increased the pressure I bit my lip and arched my back, pushing myself up against his hand, willing him to touch me harder. But he paced himself and held back. I was hardly aware that I moaned and was clutching a handful of bed sheets.  
"Open your eyes," he whispered, and I obeyed. The look that met me was filled with lust and something else, something indefinable. He enjoyed this, enjoyed the search for what gave me pleasure, enjoyed seeing what he was doing to me. I had to struggle to keep my eyes open when his fingers increased the pressure and pace of their movements. My chest was heaving and in between gasps of air I winced and writhed under his touch. Forcefully I pulled him down towards me and kissed his mouth desperately. Finally reaching some limit of restraint his hand suddenly disappeared and he tugged at my panties as if they couldn't come off fast enough. I willingly helped him. Deciding it was my turn to be in control for a while I began inching his boxer down and they joined my panties on the floor. Pressing my palms against his chest I pushed him flat on his back and threw a leg over his, pinning him down. He didn't protest, just looked at me with curiosity and slid his fingertips down my back. I leaned down, placed a hand on his cheek and nibbled teasingly on his lips. He pressed his mouth against mine, demanding a kiss. Slowly I ran my hand across his chest as I kissed his earlobe, sucked on it briefly and breathed in his ear. A throaty sound of delight came from James, and spurred on by this I slipped my hand down across his chest and stomach. Aiming to tease him just as he had teased me, I brushed my fingertips against his shaft and I felt him twitch expectantly. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, nuzzling and nibbling at his skin as I kept teasing him with my fingers. I registered with satisfaction that his breathing was deeper and heavier. Unable to hold out any longer he impatiently took command of my hand, closing it around his cock. I could feel him throbbing in my palm and James' entire body tensed up for a moment. With small, subtle movements I started moving my hand and he responded with a sharp intake of breath followed by a moan. For a while I rested my head on his shoulder, just focusing on what my hand was doing and sensing how he reacted to it. I changed pace, moving my hand faster and James' breathing became more ragged. He fumbled for my breast and cupped it, kneaded it roughly under his hand, rubbing his thumb over my sensitive nipple. Blindly I kissed my way up his neck and jaw until I found his mouth. Never before had I felt so safe, so wanted or so utterly consumed with lust. I rolled over on my back and he followed, coming to rest on top of me. Feeling his completely naked body against mine was indescribable. His cock pressed against me, and my hands slid down his back and cupped hold of his bum, pressing him me against me, grinding, making him wet, and he let me. He leaned down and kissed me, sucked and nibbled on my bottom lip. When his mouth suddenly disappeared I threw my eyes open and looked at him. He stared into my eyes again, and I felt his hand slip in between us and guide himself inside me, but just barely. I lay still, my hands on his hips, mesmerised by his eyes and the connection I felt with him at that moment. We both had to concentrate to be able to keep looking into each others' eyes when James slid inside me, achingly slowly. When he was fully inside me he let out a subdued moan and covered my mouth with his. The feeling of him inside me for the first time was so intense I threatened to explode then and there. I tangled my fingers into his hair and we kissed hungrily as he started to move slowly, and my winces were muffled by his mouth. His lips disappeared, but he leaned his forehead against mine and moved faster, our breathing synchronized, so did the movement of our hips. I dug my fingertips hard into his shoulder blades, moaning louder as the pleasure intensified. This wouldn't last long, the tension that had built up between us all day was too much. I pulled up my knee towards my body, wrapped my leg around him and felt him even deeper inside me. He slipped a hand underneath me and his strong, manly hand grabbed a firm hold of my bum and pressed me harder up against him. We hit upon some magic pace, a pace that worked for both of us, and I sensed in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't take this for long. By the sound of James' breathing, his moans and his frantic movements he couldn't either. My hand moved down to his bum and once again my fingertips dug into him, willing him to keep moving. The ecstasy built gradually, from somewhere deep inside me and he pushed me closer with each thrust.  
I arched my body up against him as I let go, finally gave over to the orgasm I'd saved for him, his orgasm. Feeling me clench tightly around him made James seize up in one final thrust before he tensed up, held his breath for a second and then moaned loudly as the orgasm made his entire body tremble. He continued moving, thrusting in and out of me, riding out our orgasm. He sank down on top of me and rested his head on my chest. We lay still, letting our hearts and our breaths calm down and the remnants of our climax wash through us. Absentmindedly I ran feather-light fingertips lazily over his back, fiddled with his hair and kissed his damp forehead. After a long, blissful silence James cleared his throat.  
"I've never been able to figure out what is the right thing to say after sex," he mumbled, almost shyly.  
"Me neither," I said, smiling. "I mean... What should you say? "Thank you"? Give each other marks out of ten? Comment on the colour of the ceiling? Yours need a paintjob, by the way."  
James head shot up from my chest and for a moment he was panicking until he saw the mischievous smirk I had on my face.  
"Oh you...! You are an evil, evil woman," he murmured, but smiled in relief and leaned in for a kiss. "God, I'm so besotted with you I don't know what do with myself," he sighed.  
"You didn't seem to have any trouble knowing what to do with me," I said.  
"No?" He raised an eyebrow.  
"No. That was amazing," I said tenderly, running a hand over his cheek. He looked searchingly at me, as if to make sure I was completely truthful, then his face broke out into a warm smile.  
"See - that's the right thing to say." He laid down next to me and we snuggled up as close as we could, entwining our legs and wrapping our arms around each other. His warmth, his skin against mine, his heartbeats and his steady breathing carried me off into sleep.


	16. Chapter 16

The sensation of lips against mine woke me up, and when I opened my eyes James was close.  
"Oh, I didn't mean to wake you up," he apologised. "I just couldn't resist. Sorry..."  
"It's very, very okay..." I smiled sleepily and pulled him in for another kiss. "What time is it?"  
"About 8," James said looking at his alarm clock.  
"We probably shouldn't sleep the evening away... We won't be able to sleep later."  
"True. And I could really do with some food."  
"Me too," I sighed and buried my face against his neck.  
"Can we be bothered to make any?" he mused, pulling back a bit too look at me. We pulled the same frown of scepticism and dislike, and then we laughed. "I guess we can't. What do you fancy?"  
"You," I said and giggled as James rolled his eyes at me. "Sorry, cheesy, I know. Hm, what do I want? Ooh, Indian! Light of Nepal!"  
"Good idea."  
"Are they open today, though? It's new year's day."  
"We'll find out - if someone answers the phone when I ring them, it's highly likely they're open. I'll have to go pick it up, though, they don't do delivery."  
"Aw, bummer. I can go get it, though, I don't mind?" I offered. James pushed me over on my back and came to rest on top of me, rubbing his nose against mine. I enjoyed the closeness, his weight and warmth, I felt cocooned in James.  
"Not happening. You've been cold enough lately. You stay here, keep warm," he said, quietly but firmly, then he kissed me.  
"Mm, okay," I hummed and threw my arms around him, tangling my hands into his hair. He kissed me again, and then started rummaging around in bed.  
"Emily? Any idea where my pants went?" I giggled like a little schoolgirl and helped him look, eventually finding them on the floor on the opposite side. I furtively looked at his bum as he got out of bed and pulled them on, liking what I saw. He found a t-shirt and a jumper in his closet and pulled on his jeans. Then he came over to the bed again, leaned down over me and gave me a long and tender kiss, as if we hadn't seen each other for weeks. "I'll go order. Know what you want?"  
"You know that place better than me, you choose. Just not too hot, I'm a sissy." I was given another kiss and he got up. "I'll be down in a minute." When James had left I dragged myself out of the warm and comfortable bed and located my clothes which were strewn across the floor. When I came downstairs James was just hanging up the phone.  
"Food will be ready in twenty minutes, I'm leaving in five."

While James was out for food I lugged my suitcase upstairs, rummaged through it and put on a pair of pyjama pants. Not sexy, unless James had a thing for baggy flannel pants with cars on them, but they were comfy. When James returned he found me lying on the sofa, Fusker sleeping on my stomach. We dug eagerly into the food, not having eaten since Norway. Feeling relaxed and way too full we sank onto the sofa with a glass of wine each, James pulled my legs into his lap and I threw a blanket over both of us. Lazily he flicked through channels on the telly.  
"This is infinitely better than loud, insane family dinners in my arctic country," I sighed happily, having a sip of my glass.  
"Was your family okay with you leaving a bit earlier? I hope they didn't think I came over there and demanded that you came back to London with me."  
"They were fine about it, actually. I think they know that even though I love them, I prefer to spend time with them in short, concentrated bursts. And they know I left because I wanted to be with you, away from them, they understood that. My sister thought what you did was very romantic."  
"I was thinking it was a bloody daft thing to do, but romantic sounds better."  
"It was romantic, and I am so glad you did it. It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." I smiled at him, and he caressed my foot, smiling back.  
"Really? That's good. I'm glad you didn't turn around and socked me in the eye or something."  
"I was too cold," I smirked. "Speaking of family, I should send them a text, let them know all is well." I fetched my phone from the table, quickly typed a message and sent it to my sister. A minute later I received a photo in return, of Jenny having fallen asleep in the strangest of places, draped over the armrest of the sofa with the security blanket tucked under her arm. I held the phone up to James, showing him the photo.  
"Was that Jenny?"  
"Yep, she must've just zonked out," I giggled.  
"How is it even possible to sleep in that position?" He wondered, looking at the picture again.  
"No idea," I shook my head, and then sighed sadly. "That's the worst bit about living far away from them. I miss the kids so much, and they grow and change so fast. And they forget me, and I become less important."  
"That's not true, look at how Jenny reacted today. You're still important to her?" He pointed out.  
"I guess... I try to keep in touch with them, I talk to them on webcam in the weekends, they show me what they're doing in school or Jenny shows me something she's made in day-care. Or her latest bump or scrape. I worry about her," I admitted.  
"Why? Kids fall over all the time, isn't that sort of what they do?"  
"Jenny was born 8 weeks prematurely, she was... tiny, about 3 pounds 12 ounces. It was terrifying. But everything went so well, until they came home. She caught a respiratory virus and was on a ventilator for weeks."  
"But she's fine now?" He prompted when I fell silent for a while.  
"Yeah. Being born that prematurely can cause all sorts of health problems, but she's generally fine. Good with words, smart, cunning. She has asthma which acts up a lot of she gets sick, but other than that... Thankfully they have better meds for asthma now then when my mum was alive." James didn't say anything, just looked at me interestedly. He was such a good listener and I loved that about him.  
"Do you want children?" James' question startled me, and I looked at him with a frown. "That question may have sounded a lot more serious than I meant it to," he chuckled, and I let out a relieved laugh.  
"Um, I don't know, really," I said, turning serious. "The privilege about being an aunt is that I can do fun stuff with them and then hand them back to their parents when they get cranky. I think it's impossible to imagine how it's like having to take care of a child twenty-four hours a day, and equally impossible to prepare for. I treasure my time, and I have a need for spending time on my own, probably more than other people. Frankly I'm not sure if I want to give away my life to a child. Does that sound incredibly selfish and callous?"  
"No, not at all," James shook his head and patted my leg reassuringly. "Having children is a huge sacrifice, and not everyone is up for that. I wasn't. People I know who has had children... it changes their life so completely. For some it seems to come easy and naturally, but it doesn't for everyone. And it's always fucking hard work."  
"I remember sitting at the kitchen table with a friend who was holding her six month old daughter. Both were crying and she said to me "I'm not even sure I like my own kid." She was so upset and exhausted, her daughter really was a handful. But she was honest. It got better and she's settled into her role as a mum now, but it took her a long time. I'm not sure I ever could have. I mean, having a dog was about as much work as I could be bothered with." A silence fell, and for a moment I was lost in my own thoughts. "In the end, I'm not even sure that is the real reason I probably don't want kids. It's more that I would be terrified of screwing them up."  
"Screwing them up? How?" James raised an eyebrow at me.  
"I don't know, there are a million ways you can fuck up a child, isn't there? Being overprotective, or not protective enough, by not supporting them, by projecting all my shit onto them.. Ruining them mentally. Plus, I'm scared to give them any of my family's wonderful little defects."  
"What defects?" James sounded disbelieving.  
"People in my family tends to have asthma, allergies, heart problems, anxiety, depressions, and.." I added, gesturing to all of me, "we tend to be vertically challenged." James laughed at that last one.  
"Your child might not get any of that, Emily," he said comfortingly. "And being short isn't the worst thing in the world?"  
"Says a man who has made a career out of making short-jokes about Hammond," I shot in.  
"As I was about to say; as much as we take the piss out of Hammond for being a short-arse, I like short. Well, I like you short, you'd be all... wrong if you were tall."  
"Good to know," I snorted. "I promise I won't grow taller." James' expression grew serious again.  
"Frankly, I think that's a rubbish reason for not wanting to have kids. The fact that you're worried about screwing them up makes you more prepared and better suited for parenthood than most people. You take care of people as your job, and you're damn good at it, at least that was my experience." He paused, sat up a little straighter and looked me in the eyes. "I haven't met anyone with as much love and care for others as you have, Emily. Any child you have would be loved, cared for and supported, because it's in your nature, and it would be the luckiest kid in the world." I fiddled with my glass of wine, blushing, not looking at James. His words had stunned me and left me completely speechless. I was so moved I had to make an effort not to cry, and swallowed hard. For a man who outwardly could seem shy, private and not at all touchy-feely, he could still say things to me that left me utterly amazed. With an effort I looked up at him, shy and flustering.  
"Thank you..." I said sincerely. I couldn't think of anything else to say. Wordlessly James took my wineglass out of my hands and placed it on the table next to his own. Then he pulled me to him and I came to rest with my back against his chest and his arms wrapped around me. He kissed my cheek and rested his chin on my shoulder.  
"I could tolerate a dog," he said, and we chuckled.  
"I bet Fusker would love that," I said sarcastically. After a moments silence, I spoke again. "I'm sure you would make a really good dad, James. You'd be good at playing with them, building lego and having toy car races and reading them stories."  
"I'm too old," he said simply. There was something in his voice, a twitch of regret maybe. "But thank you," he added and kissed the side of my neck. We watched telly together for a while, James' arms was still wrapped around me and I caressed his arm lazily. A ringing noise broke the silence, and James fished his phone awkwardly out of his pocket. "It's Hammond," he announced, I sat up straight and turned around to look at James, wondering if he was going to pick up. James pressed the button and put the phone to his ear.  
"Hello?"  
"James! Richard here. Happy new years, mate!" I could hear his voice coming through the phone, he sounded excited as always.  
"Hey, happy new years, "James replied. "How was the party?"  
"Oh, it was good! Lots of fun for children and grown-ups alike! Food was good, people enjoyed themselves... The dogs did a lot better with the fireworks this year too, no panic attacks."  
"That's good! Jezza managed to stay on his feet, too?"  
"Miraculously, yes. I think he learned a lesson at the Christmas party. Listen, I'm not gonna ask what is going on with you because you're not going to tell me anyway. I just need to know that you're all right, that nothing has happened." Richard kept the concern in his voice to a minimum, trying to sound neutral, but I could tell he was worried.  
"Everything is fine, I'm fine, nothing bad has happened," James said in such a way that Richard wasn't going to push his luck and ask more questions.  
"Okay. Good. One more thing - could I have Emily's phone number? Wanted to send her a text, say happy new year. She's still in Norway, isn't she?" At this question James looked at me and made a grimace.  
"Yeah, I guess so.. I think she's coming back the day after tomorrow." He rolled his eyes as he lied, and I couldn't help laughing silently. Then I pulled out my phone and typed in my phone number, knowing James wouldn't remember it, and held the phone up. James read off the number. "Thanks, mate."  
"No problem. Say hi to Mindy and the kids from me, yeah? Say sorry I didn't make it to the party."  
"I will. Bye for now." Richard hung up, and James put his phone down.  
"So I'm in Norway, am I?" I said teasingly and wrapped my arms around him.  
"I guess you are, because you're not here on my sofa being kissed by me," he smirked and gave me a kiss. It was interrupted by my phone going off, it had to be Richard's text. I picked it up and we read it together.  
"Hi Emily, Hammond here. Just wanted to wish you a happy new year, from me and Mindy. Hope you've had a good holiday? James gave me your number. He didn't come to the new year's party, didn't explain why, just said he had to be somewhere. I'm a bit worried about him. Hope you're well. Hugs, Hamster."  
"What's he doing, sending you huggy texts," James huffed.  
"It's called being friendly, James. He's a huggy person." I typed in my reply, James watching silently.  
"Hi Hamster! Happy new year to you and Mindy too! Holiday has been good, freezing to death in -20c tho. James is just fine, I've talked to him. So don't worry, everything is ok, I promise. Hugs, Emily."  
"I'm not a fan of lying," James muttered as I put the phone down and turned to face him.  
"Me neither. But the important thing is, this lie isn't going to hurt anyone."  
"That's true I guess," James agreed.  
"And..." I added and pushed him back on the sofa and straddled him. ".. It's kind of fun too, isn't it? A bit exciting? Sneaking around behind everyone's back, having a secret.." I trailed a finger down his chest and hovered over his mouth. His hands were resting on my hips and he kept his eyes on me, transfixed, anticipating a kiss.  
"Yeah, it is. It's a bit wrong. A bit.. naughty," he said huskily. He gave me a sly smirk and I couldn't keep my lips off him any longer. We kissed, slowly and tenderly at first. James nibbled my bottom lip teasingly, and I nibbled back and ran my tonge over his. His hands travelled from my hips down my thighs, and then back up. Grabbing hold of my hips he pressed me against himself, needing me closer. At the same time his mouth moved from mine to my neck. I tilted my head, exposing my neck to him, and his mouth slid slowly and lazily down the side of my neck, kissing and licking my skin. The sensation gave me a shiver of pleasure. "Come to bed with me," he whispered against my skin.  
"Yes," I breathed back, not being difficult to persuade. Unsteadily I scrambled out of the sofa and we hurried upstairs. 

James opened the door and let me in. The second I was inside I felt his hands seize the hem of my T-shirt from behind and pull it up over my head, seemingly in a hurry. Obediently I lifted my hands and helped him. With the shirt gone his arms closed around me and he resumed the kissing of my neck and my shoulder. He took my breasts in his hands, cupping them gently for a while, before sliding his hands around to my back to unhook my bra. Still kissing my neck he slid the straps down my arms and tossed the bra on the floor.  
"Go lie down," he whispered in my ear. He was taking control which I hadn't expected him to, but I liked it and decided that I wanted to do as I was told. I walked over to the unmade bed and laid down. James kneeled onto the bed by my knees and slowly undid the knot on my drawstring pyjama pants. I laid there just looking up at him, mesmerised by his quiet determination, his control over the situation. It didn't unsettle me, it just made me excited - he could do whatever he wanted to me and I enjoyed just giving myself to him. Having undone the knot he hooked his hand inside the lining and inched both the pants and my panties down. I helpfully lifted my bum off the bed so he could get them off. The fact that I was now completely naked while James was still in his jeans and t-shirt just underlined who was in control. For a minute he just sat there, on his knees, eyes travelling over my entire body. He wasn't even touching me and still he could turn me on. Leaning on his arms he bent down and kissed my lips, and I caressed the back of his neck. He came to rest on top of me, his jeans and t-shirt feeling cold and rough against my skin. Lazily, as if tasting every inch of my skin, he kissed his way down my neck and chest. Once again his mouth found my nipple, and gave it the same expert treatment as he had earlier. The result was the same as well - by the time his mouth let go of my nipple my chest was heaving. He buried his face between my breasts, licking the skin, and I could see his blue eyes peer up at me, studying my reactions. I ran my fingers through his hair and closed my eyes. He kissed his way down to my stomach, inching down on the bed, sometimes humming against my skin as if I tasted good. The further down my stomach he got the more sensitive my skin became, and the more intense the sensation of his kisses and licks. Just as I started to wonder how far down he would keep kissing, he veered off track, his mouth trailing over my hip and down the inside of my thigh. I parted my legs slightly and he settled between them, his mouth still caressing me. Achingly slowly he circled his kisses closer towards that area of me which was aching for his mouth. His hands travelled slowly over my sides and hips. I wriggled under him, urging him to stop teasing me. Sensing my impatience his lips brushed across the skin from my hip to my pussy. Just the feel of his breath against my clit made my body erupt in goose bumps again. Delicately he kissed me right above my clit, and I drew a ragged breath from expectation. I threw my head back and let out a relieved moan when I felt a warm, wet tongue slide in between my lips and brush over my clit once. His hand rested on my stomach, his thumb caressing my skin, as his tongue slid lightly over my swollen clit, up and down and then in circles. The slow pace was delightful at first, then just tortuous. I longed for more, frustration building in me, and I buried my fingers in his hair, urging him to move his tongue faster. He changed pressure and speed, his tongue moving faster and with more force against me, and I moaned as the pleasure intensified. As I moaned again he eased down, going back to the slow, light pace. Then his mouth disappeared from me, I looked down and met his gaze. He kept my eyes locked in his as the hand that had rested on my stomach slid down between my legs, and I felt his fingertip brush over my throbbing clit. It kept sliding, and I gasped loudly as one finger, then two found their way inside me. I couldn't stop myself from breaking his stare, closing my eyes and leaning my head back. I could feel myself clench around his fingers, and I spread my legs even more for him. Slowly his fingers started moving in and out of me. Then they curved upwards inside me, towards my stomach, and I felt a sensation I never had before, causing me to moan loudly in surprise. Like magic he'd found a spot I had never been able to find myself. His fingertips rubbed slowly but forcefully against this spot, and an intense, burning pleasure spread itself somewhere in the pit of my stomach. I found myself clutching the sides of the pillow, tossing my head about, arching my back. Just when I thought nothing could feel more amazing, his tongue returned to my clit, lapping slowly at it. I tangled my fingers into his hair again, raising my hips up against his mouth. The sensation intensified, I felt myself tighten around his fingers again, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to hold back long with this treatment. James sensed the same and slid his fingers out of me. To my disappointment his mouth disappeared soon after. He moved slowly up the bed until his face was level with mine. I was shaking with lust and could barely see him through the haze of excitement, and he gave a satisfied smile when he saw my dazed expression. Through his jeans I could feel his erection press against me. Hurriedly I pulled his face towards mine, desperate for a kiss. I could smell myself on his mouth, taste myself on his lips, and the scent drove me mad. I slipped my hands under his t-shirt and by sliding them up his back I pulled his t-shirt up and over his head. Franticly I unbuttoned his jeans and slipped my hands over his hips, inching the jeans and his boxers down. When I had gotten them down to his thighs I used my feet to pull them down further and he wriggled out of them. I shivered with pleasure when I finally felt his warm, naked body against mine again. His tongue and fingers' expert administrations had made me so wet, so ready for him that I didn't even have to guide him inside me. I could just adjust my hips slightly and then press them towards him and I could feel him enter me. This caught James somewhat by surprised, and he let out a huff of pleasure as he slid inside me.  
"Sorry, I just couldn't wait," I whispered, biting my lip and looking at him innocently.  
"I'm not exactly complaining," he stammered breathily and then covered my mouth with his. His tongue slid over mine and he started to move his hips. I leaned my head back and enjoyed, concentrating only on the feeling of him thrusting gently in and out of me. The rhythm and intensity picked up quickly, we were both way past the point where we had any self-control, any ability to pace ourselves. James hands slid down my arms and took hold of my wrists, bending my arms back, my hands level with my head. He interlaced his fingers with mine and pinned my hands to the mattress. His forehead was against mine and he looked into my eyes as he picked up the pace even more. I wrapped my legs around his waist as this was the only limbs I had control over and raised my hips up against him again. The slight change in angle let him come even deeper inside me, and we both closed our eyes as the sensation intensified even more.  
"Oh, fuck..." I breathed into his ear and buried my face against his neck, kissing him, tasting his salty skin. "Don't stop...!" I begged as I felt the orgasm building inside me. But James was way beyond being able to stop. My howl of pleasure as the orgasm finally peaked was muffled against his neck, and I grinded frantically up against him which caused him to shudder and tense up as he came with a loud moan. We were still holding hands, fingers interlaced as we lay there, trying to catch our breaths. James' hands let go of mine and he looked down at me, leaning on his arms.  
"You are going to be the death of me," he said shakily , smiling weakly. "At least I'll die the happiest man alive." He laid down next to me, pulling me after him, and I rested my head on his arm, wrapping both one arm and a leg over him.  
"James, you deserve an award," I said lightly, trailing fingertips lightly around his nipple in circles.  
"Huh? For what?" He pulled back a little to look down at me, looking utterly disturbed.  
"For discovering a spot I believed to either be a myth or just something that was lacking from my particular anatomy," I smirked.  
"Spot? What spo--- oh! THAT spot?" James expression changed rapidly from puzzlement to sudden realisation and then laughter.  
"Yes, THAT spot," I laughed.  
"You've never found that before?" He raised an eyebrow at me in disbelief.  
"I didn't even think I had it!" I argued.  
"I'm renaming it J-spot. For James," he announced, sounding like a conquistador. This comment caused me to launch into a fit of hysterics.  
"God, you're silly," I gasped when I finally regained my breath. "But that is one of the reasons I'm absolutely bonkers about you," I smiled and gave him a long, loving kiss.  
"AND, I know where your J-spot it," he pointed out smugly, setting me off giggling again.


	17. Chapter 17

We slept deep and peacefully, nestled against each other. When I woke up I knew we had slept for ages, I felt rested but stiff from having been in bed for so many hours. James was sleeping on his stomach, one arm hugging the pillow, the other draped across my stomach. I inched in closer and ran my hand across his face, brushing away a strand of hair and tucking it behind his ear. He slept on. I kissed his cheek gently and spoke softly against his skin.  
"James.. Sweetie, wake up." He stirred, drawing a deep breath and pulled me closer, humming. "Wake up, sleepyhead," I smiled and kissed his mouth. Sleepily he returned the kiss and opened a bleary eye to look at me.  
"Hello," he said in such a typical James-ish manner that I broke out laughing.  
"God, you're the most adorable thing I know," I said, still chuckling. He nudged me over on my back and inched up to me, resting his head on my shoulder and draping an arm and a leg over me. His morning erection was pressing against my hip, warm and hard. I ran my hand over his head and down his back, kissing his hair.  
"Did you sleep okay?" I mumbled into his hair.  
"Very, haven't slept this good in ages. You?" He looked up at me.  
"I slept like a baby," I smiled and kissed his forehead.   
"You are a baby," he pointed out teasingly.  
"Did you have any nice dreams?" I asked innocently, but pressed my hip gently against his erection. He moaned throatily.  
"Sssh, don't, I'm trying to make it go away," he muttered, then added: "and I didn't dream anything. I just have you in my bed."  
"Why on earth do you want to make it go away?" I said disbelievingly and pushed James over on his back then followed and swung a leg over him. I was on all fours over him, pinning his arms against the mattress with my hands. He looked at me, surprised at the sudden movement and change in position.  
"It's being very... incessant," he muttered, sounding embarrassed.  
"Maybe I can help with that?" I raised my eyebrows suggestively at him and smiled. His hair was messy, his face flushed and his eyes glittered with sleepy anticipation and lust. In that moment he was so sexy I felt it resonate through my entire body. I wanted nothing more than to caress him, show him how much I wanted him and please him until he begged for it. James didn't say anything, but the look he gave me was all the permission I needed. Still holding his arms pinned down I leaned down and hovered over his mouth, brushing my lips lightly against his but not kissing him. He tried lifting his face up to mine, but I pulled away, keeping just out of his reach. Frustrated he squirmed, fought for some control, and I had to redouble my grip to keep his arms still. He gave up, relaxed again and looked at me expectantly. Giving over control. I rewarded him with a soft, long kiss. I kissed my way across his face to the side of his neck, licked his skin and breathed heavily against it. Letting go of his arms I inched down the bed a bit, kissing and nuzzling the skin on his chest. I went slow, took my time, exploring his skin, learning him. He moved his legs apart slightly, making room for me, and I sank down against his body and buried my face against his chest. His erection was pinned between him and my body, and when I inched further down, trailing kisses from his chest to his stomach, I pressed my body against his and he gasped as he felt the pressure on his cock. Kissing his stomach I trailed my hands over his chest, his arms, his sides, everywhere I could reach. He urged me on by running his fingers through my hair. Reaching his navel I trailed kisses down towards his hip, carefully avoiding his erection. Slowly I ran my warm palms over his hips and thighs. James was growing impatient, breathing heavy and stirring underneath me, but I held back. I could feel the heat radiate from his cock and I wanted to kiss its soft skin and taste him. That thought made me unable to wait any longer, I licked my lips and softly pressed my lips against his shaft. James' chest heaved and he let out a relieved moan as he felt my mouth on him. Sensually I kissed my way up his cock, caressing the inside of his thighs all the while. His scent, his taste filled my senses, making me want more of him. He hummed throatily as I ran my wet tongue over the head of his cock, circling around it slowly, and he twitched. I removed my mouth from him and looked up, trailing my fingertips lightly over his stomach. Wondering why I had stopped he opened his eyes and looked at me.  
"More..." he breathed, pleading, and ran his hand over mine. Wanting to fulfill his wishes I returned my attention to his cock, kissing his head again and then taking him in my mouth, enveloping him in the wetness and warmth. His fingers interlocked with mine, squeezing my hand tightly as he moaned his pleasure. I tightened my lips around him and slid him in and out of my mouth, moving slowly at first. I pressed my tongue against him. "Bloody hell..." he groaned, breathing raggedly, and I could feel a salty taste on my tongue, revealing how much he was enjoying this. Gently I wrapped my free hand around the base of his cock, and I brought it slowly upwards to meet my mouth and back down again. This double action had an immediate effect and James raised his hips up against me, grinding against my hand and my mouth, searching for more friction. I draped my arm across his stomach, held him down and resolutely kept a slow pace, not out to make him climax but just give him pleasure. His breaths, gasps, moans and shudders urged me on, reassuring me that what I'm doing is appreciated. Without warning I removed my hand and slid my mouth off his cock. Distracted he opened his eyes to see me inch my way up the bed, coming to rest on top of him with my knees by his sides. He welcomed me by wrapping his arms around me, caressing my back. His chest was heaving, he was flushed and his eyes hazy from pleasure and lust.  
"Can I join in the fun?" I whispered in his ear, grinding my hips against him, rubbing my wet pussy against his erection.  
"God, yes...!" he groaned, his hands taking hold of my sides and he raised his hips to meet me. He threw his eyes open when he felt me shift my weight on top of him. Through the pale, dim daylight filling the bedroom James stared hungrily at my naked body as I sat straddled over him. Still staring into his eyes I raised my hips from his body and I reached down between my legs to guide him inside me. I hovered over him, just the tip of his cock inside me, relishing the anticipation. His hands caressed my thighs and hips, and I caressed his arms as we kept looking into each other's eyes. Unable to wait any longer I closed my eyes and sank down on him with a groan of delight. I started to rock my hips gently, and kept my eyes closed and bit my lip, wincing with pleasure with every slow trust. Slowly I ran my hands over my own body, my hips and my stomach, finally cupping my own breasts and massaging them as I started to move faster. I could still feel his burning me. This way he could see everything, see how I pleasured him as well as pleasured myself by riding him, he could see my open mouth, my closed eyes and my hands kneading my breasts. He could see himself slip in and out of me. Knowing he was seeing this turned me on even more, heightening my senses. I had almost gotten carried away, moving my hips up and down increasingly faster. With an effort I slowed the pace to a halt, then remained still, feeling him throbbing inside me. His hands on my stomach caused me to open my eyes. They slid up to my breasts and he rubbed his thumbs over my erect nipples and massaged them. I caressed his arms as he touched my breasts, and started rocking backwards and forwards, grinding slowly on him. We both had our eyes open now, drinking in each other's bodies, seeing each other's pleasure, how much we wanted each other. Looking down at James I had an urgent need to close the gap between us and be closer to him. I leaned forward over him, supporting myself on my hands on each side of his head. Franticly I covered his mouth with mine, smothering him with kisses, sucking on his lips and his tongue. He responded eagerly to my kisses and wrapped his arms tightly around me. He started raising his hips up against me, meeting my movements, and I moaned in his mouth. Desperately needing more I leaned my forehead against his and started moving my hips faster, meeting him with more force. My clit rubbed against him every time he was fully inside me, adding to my pleasure. James covered my neck and shoulders in kisses and licks as he clung onto me. He huffed against my skin as my thrusts grew quicker. Deep down in the pit of my very being I felt the familiar glow of a budding orgasm, but I fought it, refusing to let go until James did. James' fingers was digging into my hips, using his arms as well as his own hips to increase the force and friction between us.  
"Oh god, Emily... You're making me come," he breathed, redoubling his grip on my hips. I loved hearing those words from a man who was normally so soft-spoken and eloquent. They were sexy, simple, primal, and just what I had wanted to hear.  
"Come inside me, James," I begged in his ear, and my words along with my frantic grinding pushed him over the edge. He groaned and seized up as the orgasm took him. Allowing myself to let go I only needed a few more thrusts against him before I climaxed. Trembling and shaking I grinded against him in circular movements, riding out my orgasm on him. Feeling like the orgasm was threatening to make me explode, I collapsed over him, gasping for air. We panted heavily and I felt how our stomachs were sweaty and slipping against each other as we were heaving for breaths.  
"That was pretty... intense...," I huffed as I leaned on my arms looking down at him. His hair was sticking to his forehead and was standing on end, he looked just as newly fucked as he was, and I broke out giggling. He laughed too and buried his hands in my hair, which was just as messy and sweaty as his.  
"But fucking amazing," he smiled, and pulled me in for a tender kiss.  
"I really, really need a shower," I said.  
"Me too. Would you have any objections against some company?"  
"Not at all."

We scrambled out of bed with our messy hair and stumbled naked into the bathroom. Being naked together had already become a natural thing for us. Not that it had become normal, it was still exciting and new, but we just weren't shy anymore. The shower was a long one, mainly because we spent most of our time in it cuddling, hugging and kissing under the warm water. James wrapped me in a big, fluffy towel and we dried ourselves off and got dressed. Just as James was pulling on his jumper the door bell rang, and we both froze. With eyebrows raised I looked at James and he shrugged and shook his head, obviously at a loss. "I'll go see who it is," he said and disappeared out the door and down the stairs. I tip-toed over to the bedroom doorway and stood still like a statue, eaves-dropping. I heard him open the door, and a strange voice talking.  
"James! Hello darling. I brought the mail in."  
"Mum! Er... hello," James' voice replied, sounding panic-stricken. There was a little silence and I heard shuffling of feet and the door close shut.  
"Oh James, you forgot, didn't you!" The female voice said in an accusing way.  
"Um, no, no, I didn't forget." The way James said it made it clear that he had indeed completely forgotten, and had been reminded just now. Their voices moved from the hallway to the kitchen. "I was just.. I just got out of the shower."  
"You're still under the weather from that New Year's party, no doubt," she huffed in a way only mothers can. "When did you get back?"  
"Oh, I um.. got back last night."  
"So, are we going or not?" She sounded mildly exasperated.  
"Yeah, just hang on a minute. Read the paper, I'll be right down." Hurried footsteps came through the hallway and up the stairs. James was wide-eyed when he returned to the bedroom and shut the door behind him.  
"Fuck! I forgot!" He hissed under his breath, gesturing wildly. "I was supposed to have lunch with mum today! Just completely... forgot!" He looked at me, unhappy and distressed. I shook my head a little at him, but not unkindly, then I smiled comfortingly and reached out for his hand. I had already decided while listening to them talk downstairs that I wasn't even annoyed that he'd forgotten, and I thought he shouldn't cancel on his mum. After all they had agreed about this way before James jumped on a plane on a whim.  
"Hey, it's all right," I whispered. "Go, have lunch with your mum, be a good son." He leaned his forehead against mine and sighed heavily.  
"I don't want to have lunch with mum, I want to be with you," he pouted in such a childish manner that I struggled not to giggle aloud.  
"But you'll do it anyway," I whispered back. "I'll be fine, I have Fusker to keep me company. And my book. I can practice on your piano. "  
"I was supposed to make you breakfast," he whispered regretfully.  
"I'll be here waiting for you when you get back." It was strange having a whole conversation in hushed whispers.  
"It's your fault anyway, you made me forget," he smirked and nibbled at my bottom lip.  
"Have lunch with your mum. Cherish her while you still have one," I retorted, pretending to be stern. At this his eyes shot upwards, surprised. Then he looked guiltily at me, realising I had a point.  
"I'm sorry about this," he sighed. I clapped my arms around him and gave him a hug, taking in the clean smell of a newly showered man, and kissed his cheek.  
"Don't be. Go, before she comes up here and catches you having a girl in your room."  
"Thank you." He gave me a quick kiss and hurried out the door. I tiptoed over to the bed and sat down gently, just listening until they disappeared out the door and everything went quiet. Waiting another minute to make sure they had gone, I got up with a sigh. I had meant what I said, I didn't want him to disappoint his mother, they had agreed on this and he'd just forgotten. Knowing I was the reason, that his head was so filled with me that he forgot about everything else made it completely impossible to be even slightly cross, it just made me happy. What was the point, anyway. It was just lunch, it would only be for a few hours and he'd be back. I wasn't upset with him, but I immediately missed him. Maybe even so now than I had back in Norway, before all... this. With heavy feet I dragged myself downstairs and made a cup of tea and some cheese toasties. Restlessly I flicked between channels on the telly while I ate my very late breakfast. When I had finished, unable to settle for anything, I gave up and shut the telly off.


	18. Chapter 18

Two and a half hours later the front door opened. I had been curled up in a high-backed armchair, deeply immersed in my book and nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound. Quickly I calculated that the only way upstairs was blocked by whoever was at the front door. My only possible retreat was into James' office, out into the back garden or into his garage, if it was open.  
"Emily!" James voice called, and I relaxed, thinking that his mum probably wasn't with him if he called after me like that.  
"In here!" I said and got up to meet him. He walked determinedly over to me and wrapped one arm around my waist, pulled me close and gave me a long kiss. His face was cold from having been outside, and his lips gave away that he'd just had coffee. "For a second I thought your mum would be with you, I was preparing myself to dive into a hedge in the garden."  
"We had separate cars, she went straight home. I'm don't know what I'm more sorry for, forgetting that I had lunch with mum or leaving you here alone."  
"I'm just glad she didn't come half an hour earlier. That would have been just around the time we were busy.. .um coming," I smirked, and to my satisfaction James blushed like a bothered teenager.  
"Oh god..." He mumbled, flinching at the thought.  
"Yeah, I think that was what you said, too!" I screwed my face up in concentration, pretending to think back.  
"Emily!" He laughed embarrassedly, and I laughed with him. "Here, I brought you this as a way of apology," he said as he held up the bag he had been holding.  
"Aw, you didn't have to-- oh screw it, what did you bring?" I said and accepted the bag eagerly. Inside was a cardboard box.  
"Cake! Chocolate cake!" I squealed happily and threw my free arm around him. "You perfect man! Thank you!"  
"Go sit down, I'll get you a spoon," James laughed and disappeared into the kitchen. He handed me the spoon as he sat down on the sofa next to me.  
"So how was lunch?" I mumbled through a mouthful of cake.  
"Unexpected, mostly...! And long! She kept asking me about a new year's party I never went to, which always makes conversation a bit.. trying. I think she suspected something was up. Or maybe she really did believe I was still having the willies from drinking too much. I don't know," he sighed. " Food was good, though. Mum jabbered about dad, and her sister being poorly and all the usual things. It's only a few days since I saw her last, but still.. God, that woman can talk." I leaned back against him, listening and eating my cake as James talked.  
"You should've just told her you got so drunk you couldn't remember the party at all," I pointed out. He opened his mouth to retort, closed it and thought it over again.  
"That wasn't such a bad idea, actually."  
"Always the tone of surprise," I sighed, focusing on my cake.  
"I feel bad, going out to eat. Did you make yourself some food?"  
"Oh yeah, gourmet cheese toasties and tea. It was pretty good actually. But cake was much better," I smiled and offered him some cake off my spoon.  
"Not bad," he agreed. We shared the rest of the cake and I made a deliberate mess of it, just so I could kiss it away again. Having finished the cake I slumped back against James again, feeling too full from rich, dark chocolate cake. But it was a pleasant kind of full. "Thanks for not... making a fuss today," he mumbled into my hair.  
"A fuss? About what? You having to go out with your mum?"  
"Yeah."  
"What would be the point of that - it was just for a few hours, it wasn't the end of the world? I missed you though, as sappy as it sounds." I felt myself blushing as I admitted to it, but it was the truth. He hugged me tighter and kissed my cheek.  
"So what did you get up to while I was out?"  
"Nothing much. Had some food, watched telly. Tried to play piano but got frustrated. Read in a book. Basically pottered around, not doing anything."  
"Would you mind spending the rest of the day pottering around with me?"  
"Sounds perfect," I smiled. James made to get out of the sofa, but I refused to move, leaning heavily on him.  
"Get up. I'm making tea. You can't potter properly without tea," he said matter- of-factly. I laughed and moved out of his way and he disappeared into the kitchen. While James was in the kitchen making tea I turned on the telly and switched between channels.  
"What's this? "James asked as he placed two cups on the table and sat down next to me.  
"You're joking! This is one of my favourite TV-series ever! I was sure you would have seen this, aren't you into this sort of war.. stuff?  
"I haven't seen this before, I think." He frowned at the screen, thinking.  
" I think Spielberg was involved in it, somehow. It's called Band of Brothers, it's about the 2nd World War and the invasion of Europe."  
"I can see it's 2nd world war, that's a C-47," he pointed out dryly, and I rolled my eyes. Of course he'd know that.  
"Anyway, it's about this one company out of the 101st Airborne Division. It's interesting, each episode usually starts with some bits of interviews from some of the veterans who was in the actual company. This company saw so much action it's ridiculous, they went in on D-day, liberated Holland, was in Battle of the Bulge and took Hitler's eagle's nest.. What was that town called, up in the alps? Berchtesgaden?" After this little rant James just stared at me as if was someone he had never seen before. "...What?"  
"Nothing, I just.. didn't peg your for a war-film kind of woman. At all," he added with feeling.  
"If this is another one of those "because you're a girl"-deals then I will punch you," I growled. "For your information I like war-films. I'm not even sure why, really. Most of my favourite films are about war in some way. Even though I absolutely hate the idea of conflict and war, particularly after Syria. But I like history. And extraordinary events like war make for extraordinary stories. And even I know that's a Sherman," I ended, pointing at the screen.  
"Originally called an M4 tank. You know, we named it after an American Union General because - "   
"All right, all right! You stare at the tanks, I stare at the handsome chaps in uniforms," I cut him off, not really interested in a long lecture on war tanks. James just chuckled and put his arm around me.  
"Fair enough." We curled up on the sofa and watched the episode in silence. Every now and again I asked about something I was curious about, and James often knew the answer. He was miffed when the episode ended, wanting to watch more of it. I suggested we could download it, or we could get the DVD box. He decided on the latter and ran for his iPad, went online and ordered it. He fiddled around with the iPad for a while, reading newspapers and checking twitter, while I tried to find something new to watch. James nudged me suddenly. "Oh, by the way, Richard sent me an email a while ago with a few photos he took in Syria. I meant to show you this."  
"Ooh, photos!" I said, turning down the telly and turning my attention to the iPad. He found the email and flicked through a few, landscapes and scenery, shots of the crew, your typical tourist snapshots. I recognised a few from around Damascus. James stopped at a photo, and I felt a jolt go through me. There we were, James and I, on the steps of a Syrian hospital. It was like looking back into a previous life, it immediately brought back so many memories. I remembered the smells of the city, the sounds from the minarets calling people to prayer, the dry, irritating sand and the searing heat of the sun. I was in my light green scrubs and worn-out sandals, my hijab pulled down and draped around my neck like a shawl - my hair slightly on end from having worn it. I looked tanned, and too hot, but was smiling widely. James was wearing a pair of bleached blue jeans and a crumpled, beige linen shirt. He was more tanned as well, had shorter hair and had a ridiculous head-bandage. He was standing close to me with his arm around me, also smiling. We looked comfortable with each other, like we'd known each other a long time.  
"Aw look at that!" I exclaimed. "Look at us! Wow... I really did a hack job of that bandaging, didn't I? I'm sorry. Just be glad I wasn't the one sewing your head shut."  
"I'd forgotten he even took this. It was a confusing couple of days..."  
"I have barely looked at my photos from Syria, I went home and was so busy preparing to move to London, and... It seems like years ago, looking at that now."  
"Here, there's more." The photo changed, and there we were again, same stairs, same clothes but now obviously deep in conversation. We were smiling kindly at each other, looking into each other's eyes talking about something that seemed heartfelt and we were completely oblivious to anything around us. It was a beautiful photo, seen from a photographer's point of view, capturing a tiny moment perfectly. Richard had obviously been observant.  
"What were we talking about? Saying goodbye?"  
"Yeah, more or less. I remember you asked me to stay away from towropes and rocks," James said and I laughed, remembering.  
"I was worried! God knows what you three could get yourselves into!"  
"Here, one more." Again the photo changed, and now we were hugging. That goodbye hug. Even if I couldn't remember what we had talked about, I remembered that hug; the sensation of his arms around me, the smell of him, the way it had made me feel.  
"That paparazzi!" I shouted. "That sneaking..." My voice trailed off, I wasn't even angry, because it was such a sweet photo. Not everyone had photos from the first time they'd met. I looked at James, he was studying my reactions. "I remember thinking I wanted you to hit your head again," I admitted.  
"Is that your way of trying to tell me you didn't want me to go?" James chuckled.  
"Yeah..." I squirmed, feeling awkward. "I... liked you. I wanted to get to know you better."  
"Why do you think I gave you my phone number?" It was James' turn to look awkward.  
"I just figured you'd hit your head pretty badly," I said sarcastically and giggled. Then I flicked a fingertip over the iPad, going back to the previous photo where we were looking at each other. "You know, we look kinda..." I tilted my head, studying the photo.  
"Gushing and in love?"  
"Yeah, kind of. Or at least like we are very, very interested in each other."  
"Well, I can only speak for myself, but I was," James said pointedly, put the iPod away and closed his arms around me, pulling me closer.  
"Remember you told me I was short?" James closed his eyes, sighed and hung his head in remorse.  
"Yeah, I do remember saying that. I wanted to punch myself in the face when I said it, I felt like a blithering idiot."  
"You think I haven't heard that a million times before, that I'm short?" I laughed and kissed his forehead to comfort him.  
"You are. You are really, really... tiny," he teased and nibbled at my bottom lip.  
"And you have really stupid hair," I retorted and nibbled back.  
"Yeah, but you..." I could see cogs whirring in James' brain.  
"You can't think of anything, can you?" In an effort to hide that he'd been unable to come up with a snappy retort, and to stop me from teasing him about it further, he wrapped his arms around me and sank backwards on the sofa, pulling me down with him. Initially he was unhurried and tender, kissing me just because he enjoyed it, enjoyed the closeness and the sensation of our lips against each other, not because he wanted to get something out of it. Even though I had probably kissed him hundreds of times in the time since he'd showed up in Norway, it still felt completely new and every bit as exciting as that first time. My stomach did a swoop and my heart was pounding in my chest every time. James broke the kiss and looked at me, looking a little worried.  
"Emily, I... I'm sorry if I'm being too..." His voice trailed off as he didn't find the right word, which didn't happen often. "I can't keep my hands off you," he finished with an apologetic little shrug.   
"Don't say sorry, I like it," I smiled. "I must admit, I didn't think you would be such a.. huggy, touchy type," I added.  
"I'm not, I don't like touching people I don't know or care about a lot..."  
"But with me, you hugged me already in Syria!" I pointed out.  
"Yeah, I know, I... just wanted to hug you. I wanted to hug you every day and every time I saw you since then."  
"Aaaw," I crooned. Then I leaned in, brushing my nose against his. "Want to know a secret?" I said in hushed whispers.  
"What?" He asked in the same hushed tones.   
"I wanted to hug you too. And I want to hug you now. All the time. I don't mind you kissing or touching me, because I like it. And I want to touch and kiss you too, constantly." At this James just smiled widely and pulled me in. He kissed me deeply, more hungrily than before. When he spoke he punctuated every word with a kiss.  
"You've made me into a bloody... teenager, all.. hormonal and... "  
"Horny?" I finished against his lips, and he just nodded, not willing to stop kissing me. Our kisses became quicker and less controlled, more urgent. I ran my hand down side and his hip, then back up again over his crotch feeling through the denim the beginning of an erection. Slowly I rubbed my palm against it, causing friction and heat, and he hummed encouragingly. One-handed I undid his belt and jeans, then slipped my hand inside his boxers. James drew a deep, ragged breath as my fingers played with his head, and I could feel how his erection grew harder under my hand. As I closed my hand around his cock I trailed kisses across his cheek and down to his neck. He hummed again, louder this time.  
"Fuck, that feels good..." he breathed, and I smiled against his skin, satisfied with the response. I maintained a slow, firm pace, kissing his neck for every thrust with my hand. His hand found my breast and kneaded it roughly through my shirt, the tension in him mounting. He made a movement as if to sit up and I scrambled up from where I had been lying against him. He sat up with his back leaned against the backrest, and with a sigh of anticipation pulled me into his lap, making me straddle him. Giving me a piecing look he lifted my shirt up over my head and discarded it absentmindedly, then reached around my back and undid my bra, tossing it to the side. Following his lead I tore his T-shirt off and shivered with delight as his warm arms wrapped around me and I could feel his skin against mine. He buried his face against my neck, causing me to erupt in goose-bumps when he kissed and licked his way down to my shoulder. My arms was wrapped around his neck and I was running my hands through his hair. Wanting him to kiss further down I straightened up and he leaned down, taking my nipple into his mouth. It was my turn to hum happily. Lazily his palms ran up and down my back and over my shoulders. "Stand up," he mumbled as his mouth let go of my nipple, it felt cold as the warmth disappeared. Wondering excitedly what was going to happen I climbed out of his lap and stood in front of him, naked from the waist up. He spread his legs slightly and put his hands on my hips, pulling me closer so he could nuzzle my stomach. Determined hands tugged at my trousers and slid them to the floor, along with my panties and once again I found myself naked in front of him. With his face still buried against my stomach his hands ran lazily over my hips and bum, I could feel the cold metal of his wristwatch against my skin. Lovingly I ran my hands through his hair and caressed his neck, and he looked up at me through bushy hair and smiled. Mesmerised by his eyes and his smile I didn't even notice him moving his hand, and I startled when a fingertip brushed over my clit. Open-mouthed I gasped at the sensation, and James' eyes glittered with satisfaction. I had to cling onto his neck just to be able to stay on my feet as he rubbed his finger against my clit in firm, slow circles. It's incredible how hard it is to remain standing on your own two feet when someone is giving you intense pleasure. Unable to take it anymore I huffed at James.  
"I'm going to fall over if you keep this up.." He smirked gleefully and sat up straighter, giving me room to straddle him again. I leaned over him and tugged at the pockets of his jeans, they were still undone and all I needed was a little help from him to pull them down. I didn't need them completely off, just out of the way. With a frustrated sigh I sank down onto his lap and kissed him hurriedly, his erection was pressed between us, enticingly warm and hard. He pulled back from me so he could look into my eyes, and cupped my face gently.  
"I just can't get enough of you," he sighed.  
"Good," I smiled and felt his cock find its way into me when I raised my hips from him slightly. "Because I can't get enough of you either." We did our best to study each other's eyes when I started rocking my hips gently. His arms were tightly clasped around my waist, controlling the pace of my movements. Sitting like this, me straddling him on the sofa, enabled us to hug and cling on to each other, making me feel closer, more intimate with him than I ever had before. We hovered over each other's mouths, huffing and gasping, staring into each other's eyes. Every uncontrolled moan and grimace of pleasure from one pushed the other closer. Feeling I was close I wasn't able to keep looking into James' eyes, it was too much for my senses having to focus on his eyes and on this intense pleasure I was feeling at the same time. I clapped my arms tightly around his neck and hugged him, breathing heavily against his ear as our pace quickened. In an effort to muffle my own moan as I came I buried my face against his shoulder.  
"Keep going," James moaned and I had to concentrate to be able to keep up my hip movements when my orgasm had subsided. I was so sensitive now it was sweet torture having to continue moving, but I desperately wanted to please him. James licked and kissed my neck as I tilted my head back and gasped for some much needed air. From his sharp breaths and moans I knew he could come with every thrust. To my immense surprise I felt how a second orgasm suddenly rushed towards me like a steam train, building and peaking so fast I was barely able to register it.  
"Oh, shit...!" I gasped just as much from surprise as from pleasure as I shook and trembled. Somehow this was more powerful than the lost more intense. Lost in my own climax I vaguely noticed that James groaned and seized up in his own orgasm. As the rush of pleasure subsided and my breath and ability to speak returned, I looked down at him with eyebrows raised, still trembling. "T-t-that second one, I wasn't quite prepared for that," I stuttered breathily.  
"Yeah, you sounded a bit surprised!" James grinned, and I ran my hand across his face.  
"Let's just say I'm not used to double whammies," I said softly. "So thank you."  
"Thank me? I didn't do much, really!" He chuckled. "But my pleasure. Believe me!" He assured. I climbed off him and sank back on the sofa, resting my head on a pillow propped up against the armrest.  
"Come here," I beckoned, holding my arms out to him, feeling cold as I lay naked on his sofa, now removed from his warmth.  
"I'll crush you," he said smiling, shaking his head.  
"Oh stop it, I might be small, but I'm a Viking," I scoffed, grabbed him by the arms and pulled him down towards me. He came to rest on top of me with his head on my chest. I snatched the blanket that lay crumpled on the floor next to the sofa and with some effort managed to drape it over us. Then I draped my arms and one leg around him and sighed heavily.  
"You all right? I'm not squashing you?" He asked, looking up at me with a worried expression.  
"Not even slightly," I smiled and I felt how he relaxed against me once again. For a while we lay there, quietly enjoying our post-orgasmic buzz. I had just been about to nod off when James' voice pulled me back into consciousness.  
"Emily?"  
"Mm?" I mumbled lazily and ran my fingertips lightly over his back.  
"Let's go away somewhere." By the way he asked, it sounded like this wasn't the first time he had the idea.  
"Go? Where?" I opened my eyes and looked down at him.  
"I don't know, just... Somewhere. Anywhere. Some place where my mother can't ring the doorbell. Didn't you say you wanted to see more of the England?" He looked back up at me for a second, then rested back down.  
"Yeah, I did say that," I nodded slowly.  
"Then let's go. We can take turns driving, go wherever you want, have a road trip?"  
"Are you suggesting we elope together?"  
"Something like that," he chuckled. "I was just thinking... We have about a week until reality sets in again, until we're both back at work... And I want to make the most of this time with you. I want to take you places, have fun, just..." His voice trailed off.  
"Just be in our own little world?" I finished, and he nodded.  
"Yeah. Just you and me, away from everything else."  
"Okay," I nodded simply. "Let's go." He lifted his head off my chest again and looked at me, pleasantly surprised.   
"Really?"  
"Yes, really! Of course! I'd go anywhere with you, haven't you figured that out yet you silly sod?" I chuckled, and received a big, wet kiss from James.  
"How about this; I'll cook dinner while you research where you want to go and plan a route? I didn't get to make breakfast, I can at least make you dinner."  
"Deal."


	19. Chapter 19

"Ok, I think I might have a suggestion." I was staring intently at the map on my laptop while James cleared up plates. Most of the meal had gone by with me being deeply immersed in my research for our road trip, the only interruptions had been when James patiently reminded me not to forget to eat. He seemed mildly amused at my sudden, fervent planning and childish excitement.  
"Okay, let's have a look," he said and sat down next to me by the kitchen table.  
"Well, obviously, London first," I said, pointing at the screen. "We leave relatively early tomorrow morning, and drive to Cambridge and all the way up to York, we can stay the first night there right? Have a meander around York the next morning, it's such an old city, if memory serves I think Norwegian Vikings kind of captured it a bit at some point. Anyway, after York we can go up to Newcastle? Stay the second night there." I trailed my finger along the route as I explained. "See a bit of Newcastle the next day, whatever that is, must be something to see, then drive over to Carlisle in the afternoon, get into bed bright and early. Pray for good weather and spend the next day driving through the Lake District, been dying to go there, seems so pretty. I thought we could head for Liverpool along the coast.."  
"Liverpool? What's in Liverpool?" He protested.  
"Beatles!" I shouted.  
"Oh god, don't tell me you're dragging me on a Beatlemania tour, are you?" He despaired.  
"Just a little bit?" I begged, batting my eyelashes at him. "I can go on my own, we can install you at a pub or a museum or something-" I began.  
"All right, fine, Liverpool it is." He rolled his eyes at me, but was smiling all the same.  
"Thank you." I gave him a peck on the nose. "After that I'm a bit unsure, really. We could go down to Cardiff but that would mean going straight through Hereford... "  
"I think we can manage to sneak through Hereford without Hammond spotting us," James laughed, understanding what I was worried about  
"I knoooow, I know, but.. " I sighed.  
"What's the alternative?" James urged.  
"Maybe go to Birmingham, stop by Stratford-Upon-Avon, you know, Shakespeare and everything-"  
"I am aware of Shakespeare, yes," James nodded.  
".. And then Oxford, through the Cotswolds and back to London?" I finished, looking at him with nervous hopefulness.  
"Jezza lives in the Cotswolds," he pointed out, and my shoulders sagged. "I'm joking! How about, when we get to Liverpool, we just see what we feel like? Maybe we'll go down to Cardiff, or we can go just straight down to Birmingham. We don't have to decide right now?"  
"I reckoned that you'd refuse to go anywhere unless we had everything meticulously planned down to who was driving which stretches of road," I smirked.  
"Emily, I might have OCD on a lot of things, but road-trips isn't one of them. If I had, I'd never be able to do Top Gear, I'd go mental!"  
"Hmm, I see what you mean." I agreed. "Okay, let's just... Decide when we're there."  
"Now that we've decided where we're going - what car do you want to take?" I stared at him, eyes widening as I realised what I potentially had to chose from.  
"Bloody hell, I haven't even thought about that! I... I have no idea. How about you choose? They are after all your cars, and I chose where we're going."  
"I think... Ferrari. I think going on a road-trip warrants a good car."  
"Really? I'm going to hate myself for arguing but, in winter England?"  
"It'll be fine, we're not off-roading through the Lake District? Mostly motorways and normal dual carriageways, it can handle that. You should've seen the roads I had to drive on with a Lamborghini Gallardo in Romania!"  
"I did, I saw that episode, poor supercar! And you crashed it!" I laughed.  
"I didn't! The other bloke crashed it, I was just driving!" He argued stupidly.  
"M-hmm," I nodded, pretending to believe him. "Another thing, isn't that 458 rear-engined? We might need a bit of boot space?"  
"It has got some in the front, actually, if we pack light it'll be fine. But bless you for knowing that," he added and kissed my forehead. "Speaking of packing, I better get started." He gave me a quick kiss on the forehead then disappeared upstairs to pack while I finished clearing up the kitchen. When I was finished I let Fusker in from the back garden and went upstairs.

"Did you pack long underwear?" I asked as I threw myself on the bit of the bed not covered in neat piles of clothes.   
"What?" James head appeared from the closet.  
"You know, thermals! Wool clothes!"  
"Am I going to need that?" He looked at me wide-eyed and horrified.  
"I don't know, maybe? If we're doing a ten mile hike somewhere I thought it might be a good idea?"  
"I don't have long underwear," James said with disgust and extracted himself from his closet, then sat down on the edge of the bed.  
"Lies. You went to the North Pole, James."  
"In jeans... Besides, thermals like that, especially ones made of wool, it's awful, they're... itchy!" he whined.  
"You're too sensitive, May," I scoffed and nudged him gently in the ribs with my foot. Before I had time to retract it he grabbed my foot and held it in a vice-like grip, threatening to tickle me. His face lit up in childish glee.  
"Emily, I think we need to renegotiate the terms and conditions of this trip," he began, his finger inching closer to the sole of my foot. "Please tell me we're not going hiking?" I was already squirming and giggling hysterically just from the prospect of being tickled.  
"No, no no no, we're not.. no hiking, I promise! Plea-hee-heeee-seeee, mercy!" I squealed, trying to wriggle free. Still chuckling at himself James let go.  
"Didn't know you were that ticklish. Good to know." I was still giggling and trying to catch my breath. James went back to his closet and rummaged around.  
"I wasn't being serious about hiking," I said, having calmed down from my laughing fit. "But the forecast is looking amazing, bright sunshine for days. If that actually holds up I thought maybe we could stop somewhere nice in the Lake District, have a picnic lunch? If we dress warm it might actually be nice."  
"That sounds more like my sort of thing. All right, I'll pack one pair," he said, pointing at me with a pair of thermal long johns. "If I pack my sexy underwear, you better pack yours," he added as he tossed the thermals on top of the pile of clothes on the bed. I exploded in another fit of hysterics, rolling on the bed. James chose to ignore me, found a small suitcase and started to drop clothes into it.  
"Oh fuck! I just realised I'll probably have to go to my apartment, need to repack into a smaller suitcase," I sighed as I once again had caught my breath. "The one I took to Norway was the biggest one I have, no way that'll fit into the Ferrari." I had been so busy planning the trip itself, excited at the prospect of driving wherever I wanted to, that I hadn't even considered my own packing. James was still piling things neatly into the suitcase.  
"Want to go now or do it in the morning?"  
"Preferably tomorrow. But we can't just drop by when we leave tomorrow because my gigantic suitcase will never fit in that car unless we strap it to the roof. So I should sort it tonight, really."  
"Want me to drive you over there? Or you can just take the Fiat?" At this I looked up at him, surprised.  
"Really?"  
"Yeah, sure, if you think you can find your way. Or I can come with you?"  
"No no, you don't have to do that," I said as I heaved myself up into a sitting position. "I'll just be in and out. If it's all right with you I'll go on my own, you finish packing." Suddenly feeling a bit stressed I gathered up clothes and things from here and there, stuffing it into the suitcase and began lugging it downstairs. I hadn't been mentally prepared for having to go outside, and I wasn't happy about it. But it was for a good thing, I was repacking so we could go on a road-trip and have fun, which made it easier.  
"Sure you'll be okay?" James had followed me outside in just his t-shirt, and shivered as he looked at me through the open car-door.  
"I have sat-nav. And a phone. And a better sense of direction than you, sweetie," I smiled as I buckled in.  
"Okay," he muttered, still not convinced, then leaned in for a quick kiss.  
"Now fuck off, you're freezing," I smirked, and he hobbled off towards the door.

 

I was back a few hours later, and we spent a few hours scouting out hotels in the places we had decided to stay the night. Then we went to bed, talking ourselves to sleep about things we could do on our trip, and we fell asleep full of anticipation. The forecast turned out to be right, and we had bright sunshine from clear blue skies when we set out the next morning. I got my first amazing experience before we even left the street, as I suddenly found myself sitting in a Ferrari, and I squealed like an excited toddler at the sound of the engine. We quickly agreed on some basic rules for our road trip - the driver was driving, the passenger controlled the music. The person driving was not allowed to complain or otherwise about the music, and vice versa. This arrangement turned out to be quite educational for both of us, and at one point resulted in James unconsciously humming lyrics like "all the other kids with the pumped up kicks", causing me to roll around laughing. In York I spent all my time dragging James around between old Viking and medieval sites. And James had his payback ranting about bridge engineering in Newcastle as we meandered through the heart of the city. In Carlisle we hit upon a uncharacteristic compromise in going see Hadrian's wall and the Cathedral as well as an aviation museum. We headed early out of Carlisle and followed a scenic driving route through the lake district, made three times longer by having to stop all the time so I could jump out of the car and take photos. After a whole day of trekking from place to place in Beatles' footsteps in Liverpool we got absolutely plastered and was nearly caught shagging in a hotel elevator in the middle of the night. And spent the consequent day being very hung-over and not feeling up to much sightseeing of any kind, so we drove down to Birmingham very late in the day. In Birmingham James surprised me by having booked a suite in a ridiculously luxurious hotel, completely with balcony and huge bath tub. We never left that hotel room, and hence never got to see much of Birmingham. Suddenly and way too quickly our five days was up and we headed back to London. The days had sped past, and I spent days after I came home just processing it, trying to land. But I couldn't. It always sounds like a cliché when someone claims it was the best day or week of their life, but for me it really had been. We'd talked and laughed, had intense discussions and argued amicably, and in short just gotten to know each other better. We'd seen beautiful cities and gorgeous landscapes, slept in soft hotel beds and had lots of good food. And masses of amazing sex. In short, we'd lived the good life, and coming back to London was a sudden and harsh change. I went back to work, and tried my best to focus on my upcoming exam in the end of January. And James went back to work, they had started to prepare and film bits for a new season of Top Gear. And he had his writing. But the transition to boring everyday life was tinted rose-red by being in love. The hours and sometimes days we had to spend apart I spent pining away, feeling very sorry for myself. And the time we spent together we cocooned ourselves into our own little world, having time for nothing and nobody else. Being with James was fun, and uncomplicated, being with him didn't take effort, I didn't have to think, just feel. And what I felt was in love.


	20. Chapter 20

"I think Hammond and Jezza might be suspecting something."  
"Hm?" James had spoken so suddenly, breaking the silence of what had been a very quiet afternoon on the sofa. James was watching telly, I was reading a book with my feet in his lap.  
"Hamster and Jezza. I think they... Know something is up."  
"With what, with you?"  
"Yeah, that I'm seeing someone."  
"What? Are you seeing someone?" I smirked and poked him gently in the stomach with my foot. He obviously wasn't up for a joke, and remained serious.  
"I don't know, they... That whole thing with the New Year's party, all the texts I'm getting... They said I always seem to be in a rush home, and they're wondering why."  
"I haven't sent you that many texts, have I?" I said, feeling half sorry and half defensive.  
"Not really, but I rarely got any before. And you always manage to send them when they're around."  
"Oh, sorry..." I mumbled, feeling ashamed, which was ridiculous. "I can stop sending you texts, if you want. And you can put your phone on silent..?"  
"It's not the texts, Emily," he said, sounding annoyed and shifted restlessly in his seat.  
"What is it, then?" I sat up and moved my feet out of his lap.  
"I don't know, I..." He sighed some more, as if he was hesitating to say what was on his mind. It gave me a bad feeling.  
"Would it be so bad if they found out, though? If we told them?" I pushed. "I mean, we've been.. this has been going on for what, six weeks now? I don't mean we have to go all public, but we could tell our friends...? Keeping this to ourselves was nice, in the beginning, getting to know each other and everything, but..." My voice trailed off as I didn't get much of a response from James, he just stared stiffly into nothingness. After a long, tense silence he cleared his throat and sighed heavily.  
"Emily, I... I'm old," he said simply, and looked at me for a fraction of a second, then looked away again.  
"...what?" Was all I managed to say, completely perplexed. I had no idea what was going on, but I had never seen James like this. Something was happening, something I couldn't control, understand or predict. All I sensed was that this was something that scared me senseless.  
"I mean, I'm 49, you're 27... The age-gap between us is... huge. I could've been your dad, for crying out loud. We... come from different generations, we're... in different places in life, you've basically just started out, and I've.. been at it a while." He spoke slowly, searching for words as he went, wanting to get it right. My mind was reeling, this was escalating far too quickly for me to keep up with and my first response was ridiculous and feeble.  
"I know we've been teasing each other a bit about age now and then, but... I really never meant anything by it..."   
"Nevertheless it's true, it won't change. Our age-difference will always be there." He said it with such a finality in his voice, like that was the end of the matter and nothing I could ever say would change it. Annoyance flared up in me.  
"And you obviously have a problem with this?"  
"Yeah. I guess I do have a problem with it." That finality in his voice again. His answer had made me go cold inside, it wasn't just a sense of foreboding anymore, an anxious doubt in the pit of my stomach, this was a train wreck happening right in front of me, and I had no way of stopping it.  
"So what do you want to do?" I heard myself asking, not really wanting an answer because I knew any answer I would get would be one I didn't want.  
"I think... I should be sensible, mature person here and just... stop this. Walk away before it gets too serious." I didn't know what hurt me more, that he'd said he wanted to stop it, or that he didn't think of us as being serious.  
"Stop this?" Was all I managed, still trying to get my head around these two words.  
"Yeah, I.. Do you really think this could've ever worked out? With this much of an age difference? I don't. It's just, better this way, that we just... walk away, and stop seeing each other."  
"Like... end it? Break it off?" I asked incredulously. I needed this in letters ten feet high if I was going to believe what he was saying.  
"Yes, I think that... would be the best. For both of us."  
My breath was shallow and ragged from all the emotions I was feeling, my hands were ice cold, but inside an explosion was going on in slow-motion, gradually building in intensity. Maybe it was my heart going to pieces. Gratefully I sensed that anger was coming to my defence in an effort to shield me from the pain I was feeling.  
"So this... This age-difference, it never occurred to you before? You never thought about that until now?" James didn't reply, and still wasn't looking at me. His apathy, his cowardice, his lack of an answer, his refusal to look at me, everything just sparked more anger in me. "So what was this all about then? What was all this to you?" I gestured wildly to the space between us. "Just a fling with a pretty young thing? Was I just a rebound from your previous girlfriend? Did you need to feel more manly, like you still "had" it?" He threw a quick glance at me, looking like a shameful dog that was being told off for being bad. The guilt in that look made me completely lose it. "Let me tell you, mate, if all you wanted was some young, dumb bint to play around with you could've done soooo much better than me! You probably have bimbo's making passes at you all the time, because you're rich and on the telly, bitches love that kind of thing, don't they!? Couldn't you have chosen one of them to fuck around with? Some blonde, spray-tanned whore who didn't actually care about you?" I heaved for breath, trying desperately to hang on to my anger and not give in to the lump I felt growing in my throat. "You... you KNOW me, I've told you about everything, what I've gone through, what I've lost in my life! Not because I wanted any pity from you, I don't want any pity from anyone, ever! But I was trying to warn you. Do you have any idea how scared I am of caring about another human ever again? How terrifying it is for me every time I feel a connection to someone? How fucking frightening it is to let someone in? Yes, you do, you fucking should know, because I've told you about all of that." Without even realising it I had gotten up from the sofa and started pacing while shouting at him. "When I met you, I... YOU were the one who gave me your phone number. YOU offered to come build my furniture. YOU came and nearly broke through my door, insisting to take care of me when I was sick. Knowing all the things you know about me, everything I've gone through, YOU came all the way to fucking Norway to see me, to... What? Tell me you missed me? And for what? To..." This was where I lost it, my voice cracked horribly and my eyes exploded in tears. "... To fuck around with me for a while and then throw me away when it threatened to get serious? Fuck's sake, James-" Suddenly all my anger gave way to all the other horrible emotions in me; hurt, disappointment, shame, fear. It took all my courage with it and left me with nothing but an instinct to run. Get away. Blinded by tears I snatched my handbag off a nearby chair and headed for the door. While I was frantically putting on my shoes I was hoping more than expecting to hear his voice, or his steps as he came running after me, but there was nothing but the sound of my own, gross sobs. I tore my jacket off the hanger and stumbled out into the dusk of the early evening. Quickly I scrambled into my jacket and pulled the hood up, desperately trying to compose myself enough to stop crying, I couldn't cry hysterically on the tube home. Somehow I managed to take a few deep breaths and will myself to stop the flow of tears. Keeping it in all the way home took a tremendous amount of effort, it was like holding my breath for hours.

I closed the door behind me in my own apartment fully expecting to break down entirely in a crying fit that would last for hours. Curiously enough I didn't. I just felt numb, empty, as if I was floating in a vacuum. Maybe I was just in denial, refusing to believe what had just happened. Paradoxically I ended up sinking down on my own sofa and turning on the telly. Though not really seeing, just staring into space, zombie-like. I expected as much as I dreaded a phone call, or a text, but the phone remained stubbornly silent. I felt completely beside myself, as if I was having an out-of-body-experience. The part who was sitting on the outside of me, calmly assessing the situation, realised that I would be in no shape to work the next day and I called in sick. When I hung up I didn't even remember what I had said on the phone. My reaction came when I hobbled into my bathroom, thinking numbly that I should probably get to bed. Not sleep, I didn't believe I would be able to, but at least just lie down. Hanging over the edge of my hamper was my favourite of James' t-shirts, a grey one with "Dad's Army" and "Don't Panic!" on it. I'd borrowed it off him once while at his house and just worn it home, thinking I'd wash it and return it. Seeing it brought me forcefully back to the night I had borrowed it, and somehow to every night I had spent with him, every time I'd kissed him or laughed with him, and I collapsed in a heap on the bathroom floor, stupidly clutching at his t-shirt. How long I was on that floor I will never know, I only got up when the pain of lying on a tile floor got bad enough to make a dent in my sorrow and tell me that I should get up. I dragged myself to my bed and landed on it heavily, still clutching that damn shirt. Anxiety, sadness and grief was something I had lived with in the past, and were emotions I thought I knew, I thought I knew how they felt and how to handle them. Now I realised I didn't know how to handle them at all, it was something you could never learn. I had somehow forgotten how much they hurt, how they stabbed through you like knives, tearing you apart. The pain made me long for pills, anything that would calm me down or make me go numb. It brought me back to a time when I had taken my fair share of tranquilizers and sleeping pills. I hadn't felt a craving for those kinds of medications in years, but now I was desperate. But I knew I couldn't get my hands on them, not without doing something illegal or calling a doctor, and I just wasn't able to at the moment. Somehow I passed out eventually, when my mind was too exhausted to feel anything any longer.  
I woke up feeling miserable and it took a while for my mind to catch up with my body. Why was I here, in my own bed? Alone? And why was I feeling so awful? Then it hit me, and the pain shot through me as sharp and real as it had the day before. It really felt like grief, as awful and desperately painful as when someone died. Some moments I even wondered if this was worse, because James hadn't died, he was still alive. He'd just chosen not to be with me anymore. The ones who had died at least didn't have much choice in the matter.  
Over the next few days I went through all the stages - denial, anger, disappointment, depression, bottomless grief. Meticulously I went through all the aspects of a million thoughts, I turned every instinct and feeling in and out, analysed and wondered to the point where I believed I was going mad. By the end of it I felt so drained and exhausted I didn't think I had anymore to give. Then the cycle started all over again, and all I could do is just hang on to the rollercoaster as it sped up and out of my control. I refused to give myself more than two sick-days. Out of experience it was okay, even necessary, to give grief space for a little while, delve into it and try to work through it. But eventually, if you gave it too much room, it would consume you, I had let it consume me for many years in the past. I needed a distraction, something that would occupy my mind and let me shift focus when a new wave of loneliness and pain hit me. So I went back to work, and decided to delve into that as deeply as I had into my sorrow, hoping it would somehow outweigh it, drown it out and relieve me of it. With ferocious intensity I threw myself into my work, taking on double shifts and extra shifts as much as I could, grateful to be so exhausted at night that I passed out without too much thought. James' shirt was lying under my bed, buried in a heap of laundry I never had time to do anymore. The phone remained silent for days, and then weeks, without a sound from James. And I kept to myself, not talking to anyone about James by choice. My friend Cathy, who was really my only option to talk to in London was away on her annual trip with her husband, they went away for about a month every year to some exotic place, this year it was Galapagos and I had no idea how to reach her. In moments of desperation I thought about calling Hammond, even if only to ask to talk to Mindy, as I liked her and she seemed to have understood far more about me and James than anyone else had. I thought about calling my sister, the only one at home I could've imagined talking to, but she was so busy with family life. And frankly, it felt like such a failure, having lost him. Like I had somehow done something wrong and ruined a potentially good thing. I couldn't bear the thought of having to tell her that, I felt shameful over it. Or maybe I was just ashamed at how naive I'd been, that despite all my fears and worries had let my heart run away with me that quickly, and that badly. That I'd let myself become so emotionally attached to and dependent on a man who thought so little of our relationship. Or whatever it had been. During some of my darkest and most desperate nights I revisited some old habits in thinking about life, and death. Mostly death. Life felt hollow and pointless. And it always amazed me how ruthlessly life just just.. ploughed on, like nothing had happened, like my heart hadn't been broken. It brought back memories of a period in my life, many years ago, when I had been completely and dangerously suicidal, busy plotting the details of how I was going to end it all. I found a strange comfort in knowing that I was far, far from getting to that point. I kept thinking of my favourite lyric lines - "it's too late to die young now". I had made it through losing my mum, and losing my soul brother. I wasn't going to let a bloody boyfriend be the reason I committed suicide. He was the coward, the one who took the easy way out. I wasn't. I had been quite happy in my life before I met him, quite content to be on my own, just enjoying my work. I wanted to go back to that. To a time in my life where I hadn't known James, or known how much I needed him.  
Somehow, without understanding or knowing how I had gotten there, I felt like I had some control. What had felt like all-encompassing emotional chaos was now reduced to bitterness and self-blame. Which in turn fuelled some sort of cold determination. It still hurt, but somehow I could control it now, own it and shove it to the back of my mind.


	21. Chapter 21

One Thursday evening there was a gentle knock on my door. I checked my phone, wondering of someone had sent me a text to warn me of their imminent arrival, really not having any opinions as to whom that might be. Cathy maybe, all though that would be very unlike her. She had returned from her holiday, tanned and healthy and fallen in love with her hubby all over again, I didn't have the heart to ruin her high with my tragedies, and had kept everything to myself. Frowning I padded over to the door and had a look through my peephole. What I saw through it made me tear the door open in sheer surprise.  
"... Hammond?" I gasped.  
"Oh! Hi, Emily! Thank god, right door." He waved, talking fast and shifting restlessly in the hallway, seeming nervous. "Listen, this might seem a bit....- Oh, by the way, am I disturbing you? If this is a bad time I can..." He gestured to the stairs and the exit.  
"No, no, it's fine, I'm not doing anything..." I said slowly, looking at him sideways, still surprised. I hadn't seen Richard or talked to him since right after New Years.  
"Oh good. Right, I know this might seem odd, but... Can I talk to you for a minute? I don't know who else to talk to." My first instinct had been that James had sent him, or at least that this was about him. But Richard seemed so genuinely distressed about something that sheer curiosity got the better of me.  
"Yeah, sure.. Come in," I said and took a step back, letting Richard into my apartment. "I was just making tea, want a cuppa?"  
"Yes, please, that would be lovely," he said politely, having a quick look around my apartment.  
"Sit down," I waved as I headed for the kitchen. "Water is hot, I'll be out in a jiffy." A few moments later I returned and handed him a mug of steaming tea, then sat down on the other half of the corner sofa, looking at him.  
"Thank you, Emily," he said sincerely, wrapping his hands around the mug to warm his hands. It was mid-march outside, but London had been rainy and a chilly wind was sweeping through. A silence fell as I patiently waited for him to reveal why he'd suddenly showed up at my door, having never been here before. "Listen, as I said earlier, this might seem very strange, me turning up on your doorstep like this out of nowhere. I realise we don't know each other that well, but to me you just seem like... someone you can talk to, and you're a nurse, and..." His voice trailed off as he considered how to continue. "In short, I like you, I feel like I can talk to you and I trust you." I studied him, frowning. What the hell was going on? If he had turned up here with some embarrassing genital warts I was going to punch him. In the groin. I wondered vaguely if it was something with his kids, something he wanted to talk to a health worker about before daring to mention it to his wife. Or perhaps this was about his marriage?  
"Wow, now I'm really... curious," I admitted and sipped my tea. "So what's up?"  
"I'm worried. About James," he said shortly, with a sigh of admittance. My heart sank down into my stomach and I felt that icy cold chill spread through me, but I did my best to seem unperturbed. So this was about James, after all. Part of me was curious as to what was worrisome about James, part of me genuinely wanted to help Richard as he seemed distressed. I struggled to keep my face neutral when I replied.  
"About James? Why?"  
"He's... I don't know what's going on with him, he's just not right. Lately he's been sort of... distant, somehow, moody and tetchy and... slow. Slower than usual. When we go out drinking, like while on a shoot or something, he downs alcohol like there's no tomorrow and gets absolutely smashed, but he never seems to have fun, he just turns into a right prick, really. He looks tired and drawn. I tried talking to him once but he just completely bit my head off and after that I've hardly dared talk to him. I'm just... concerned about him, he's just been so unstable lately. He never showed up for that New Year's Eve party, and has never told us why. He seemed to be fine after New Years, more than fine really, he seemed... happy. And now, he's the complete opposite. Sometimes I even wonder if this is some late side-effect of when he hit his head down in Syria, it's not like him to be unstable like this. A bit moody, yeah, but that usually shifts really quickly. I think maybe... could he be depressed?" At this Richard looked at me, eyebrows raised, searching for confirmation. Quickly I decided to give my standard health-worker answer, mostly to give myself time to think it over.  
"Well, problems concentrating, slow speech or movements, anger, tendency to isolate yourself... those can all be signs of depression. Or other things, it's hard to tell. I really don't think this has anything to do when he hit his head, that would've showed up much sooner and gotten better in that case, not gotten worse. This isn't anything like what you had, Hamster." Richard didn't seem much relieved by this, and I hadn't really meant to soothe him either, I had just told him what I knew to be true.  
"Honestly I feel like a bit of a douche going behind James' back like this, but..." Richard squirmed apologetically. "We're good mates and we can talk about serious things sometimes, but now... I can't seem to reach him. Even Jezza has noticed it and he's worried too. He also tried talking to him but he's even worse with emotional things than I am. He didn't do brilliantly."  
"I guess manly blokes don't talk about their inner feelings much?" I said dryly. He looked up at me unhappily.  
"Such a stereotype, but it's true in this case. I don't mean to ask you to break any confidences here, but you and James... You've seem pretty... close."  
"Close?" I needed him to clarify what he meant by that. How much did Richard know, or how much had he understood or guessed?  
"Yeah, I mean... You seem like pretty good mates, you know, spending a lot of time together... Have you noticed anything different about him?" I looked at Richard for a long time, trying to make up my mind about how to reply. The easy answer would just be to pretend like I hadn't seen him much lately, just say that I didn't hear from him anymore and didn't know what was going on. But I was tired of hiding the truth, I felt like I had been hiding the truth and hiding myself along with it. I sighed deeply and looked at Richard, fiddling absentmindedly with my mug.  
"To be honest, Richard... I haven't seen or talked to him in over.. five weeks now." At this Richard just stared at me, blinking confusedly for a minute.  
"What? Really? I mean, why...? It might not be any of my business, but... I thought you were... mates..?" He stuttered, not knowing if he had a right to ask questions. Nervously I fiddled with my mug, staring into the dredges of my tea, thinking over one last time whether or not to tell him everything. After a silence I sighed and straightened up, readying myself to tell someone for the first time.  
"About that New Year's Party he never showed up to..." I began.  
"Yeah?" Richard nodded, but not impatiently.  
"He didn't come because he went to Norway. To see me." I gave these words time to register with Richard. "He... I was restless, and miserable, and told him that I was missing him when we talked on the phone. So he jumped on a plane, showed up out of nowhere, at midnight. He kissed me." I paused again, trying to fight off vivid memories from that night.  
"...James did that?" Richard asked incredulously.  
"I know right? Anyway, I came back to London with him the next day. We went for a five day road-trip around England, I wanted to see more of England and we just wanted to be with each other, away from everyone else. We wanted to keep it to ourselves, it was all sudden and new and exciting, you know..." Richard nodded knowingly, urging me on. "So we kept it to ourselves. We had some... fantastic, intense weeks, spending all our free time together when we were off work, I practically lived there." I had to swallow hard. Up until now I had tried to keep detached, but emotions were catching up with me, making it harder to keep talking. Thinking about what to say next, I mobilised some anger again, wanting it to chase away that painful lump in my throat.  
"Then what happened?" he urged, already looking concerned, as if he could only imagine what I was about to say.  
"But then, he... He started talking about our age difference. He said that we're in different places in life, that it would've never worked out and told me he wanted to end it before it became... too serious." That last word took a lot of effort to repeat. "So I screamed and raged at him and stormed out of there. That was five weeks ago." A long silence fell as I gave Richard time to let it sink in, I could tell he needed it by the startled and confused expression on his face. "So I'm sorry, Richard, but I don't think I'll be able to help you much with this. You managed to pick probably the worst person in the world to talk to about James' problems right now." I said the last bit with a sad smile of irony.  
"Oh, Emily, I'm... I'm really sorry," he said, looking at me sympathetically. After another silence he continued. "You have no idea how much of a twat I feel like for coming to talk to you about this, now." He screwed his eyes up in embarrassment and I couldn't help but chuckle.  
"Bollocks to that, Richard, you had no way of knowing about any of this. That was sort of the point, that no one was supposed to know. Don't feel bad about it." I shrugged. "As for what is bothering James... I don't know. Maybe he's wallowing in self-pity. Maybe he suddenly found himself alone and feels sorry for himself. Maybe he's just bored," I said savagely. At this Richard shot me a look, as if he thought I was being a bit harsh, but then his expression softened when he realised I had every right to be.  
"I don't know either. But if he's is feeling sorry for himself or lonely, he can thank himself for that by the sounds of it," Richard muttered sourly. I took some sort of primitive pleasure in hearing Richard say this, in siding with me, however slightly. Then I instantly felt bad.  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to badmouth James or anything," I said. "I'm not trying to turn you against him or anything, you've known James for donkey's years. I just... I haven't told anyone any of this before, and frankly I'm not even sure why I told you. Maybe I just needed to tell someone. I wanted you to know why I can't help you. No matter how angry and disappointed I've been with him, how hurt I've felt... That's between me and him. I didn't tell you because I wanted to get back at him, or talk shit about him."  
"Oh come on, Emily, I know that wasn't what you..." He waved, brushing it off. He understood. "Seriously, have you not heard anything from him since?"  
"No. Well, he's called a few times, but always late at night. I figured he was probably drunk so I didn't pick up. He always called once, and never the next day. So I just... reckoned it couldn't have been that important."  
"He might've been drunk, actually, we've done a few Top Gear shoots lately and had a few late night binges...," Richard sighed. "Listen, Emily, if you feel like... you need to get away for a bit, sometime, get out of London, you're welcome to come up to ours for a few days? Mindy really liked you. You could see the animals, go for walks with the dogs, I know you're a dog person. Play with the kids. Or even better, come play with me, we could go quad-biking in the mud!" He looked at me with child-like eagerness at the prospect of muddy quad-biking and nodded encouragingly.  
"Aw, thank you Richard, that's so nice of you. I really appreciate that," I said, and I meant it. "I would've loved to, but I'm leaving London in little over three weeks."  
"...What?" Richard said darkly, looking surprised again.  
"Yeah, I'm..." I looked down at the floor, feeling a little ashamed. "I'm doing the cowardly thing here, Richard... I'm running away. That course I came here to take, I had my exam at the end of January so I'm done with that. I really like my job here, but there are hospitals and patients in Norway as well, I could find something similar there. I've signed up for a new stint abroad with a few organisations, too. It might happen tomorrow, or in two months, or not at all. But this place, Richard, this city... It's all just James now, you know?" Suddenly my eyes were brimming with tears and my voice cracked. "I mean, James help me build all this furniture, for god's sake. It's just too much of a reminder, staying here." I realised I was crying for real now, causing Richard to shuffle over and put his arm around me consolingly. "I mean, I... I still love London, I've felt so much at home here, I always have since way before I moved here. And I adore England... but I need to get away. It might not make anything any easier, but I'm hoping it might. I just need some distance."  
"I know what you mean, Emily. And I can't blame you for wanting to get leave, really," he said and gave me another little squeeze. "I totally get why you want to. But I'll be sad to see you go."  
"Thank you," I sniffed and smiled at him through the tears. Then I straightened up and wiped my face dry. "I'm sorry, you came here for help and end up having me dump all this on you and cry on your shoulder... I'll be fine, I have to finish my contract, which ends next week. My flat contract runs out in two weeks, then I'm out of here."  
"You have to come down and see us before you leave, though. Mindy would like seeing you again too."  
"Yeah, I'd like that. Maybe best if James don't know about it if I do, don't want him to think I'm moving in on his mates. You guys are his mates, and you are really important to him. He's lucky to have you, Richard, to have mates that care. He just doesn't know it."  
"Well I care about you too!" Richard said loudly. "So if you want to come visit, that's up to me and not to him. And right now I'm not sure I feel like being such a mate to him," he added sulkily.  
"Whatever James is struggling with right now... It's now he needs his mates. Even if you don't agree with what he said or did. And this might not even have anything to do with me at all, it might be about something totally different."  
"Well whatever it is, he doesn't even seem to want any help or support," Richard fretted.  
"Maybe he doesn't know he needs help. Or wants to believe that he doesn't need it. You just have to keep trying."  
"I can't understand how you can be this mature and good about it," Richard said, shaking his head.  
"Secretly I have a need to punch him repeatedly in the plums," I admitted and Richard laughed loudly.  
"We all have that need!" He agreed.  
"I haven't been mature or good about this, Richard. I've cried and screamed like a baby throwing a hissy fit, I've been so angry I felt like I could kill him. And now I'm just running away, like a coward. And I'm serious about wanting to punch him in the plums."  
"Personally I think he was the coward," Richard said simply. I didn't know what to answer, so I just clapped my arms around him in a quick, grateful hug.  
"Listen, I better get going," Richard said, looking at his watch. "Are you going to be okay?"  
"Yeah, I'll be fine," I smiled reassuringly. "I've made it through the past five weeks, so.. I'll be fine. Eventually."  
"Good." He got up with a sigh and I followed him.  
"Hey, Richard, are you going to see James anytime soon?"  
"Yeah, tomorrow in fact. Why?" He said guardedly. "If you are plotting to have him assassinated I'm not telling you when or where." I laughed and quickly popped into the bedroom to pick up a little plastic bag.  
"I wanted to return this...It's his t-shirt, I borrowed it once-- oh, it doesn't matter. Could you give it to him? I don't care how, if you just... give it to him or slip it into his bag or.. something, I don't care if he knows I've told you. It's washed and everything." Richard accepted the bag, looking incredulous.  
"You washed it? God, you were too good for him," he said with feeling. "Take care of yourself now, okay? And I'll see you before you leave, yeah?"  
"I will. And yes, I promise I won't just disappear," I smiled. Richard pulled me in for a lingering hug.  
"Emily? I like hugging you, you make me feel tall!" He said, arms still around me, and we both chuckled. Then he let go, said goodbye and was out the door. It had been a strange conversation, and I couldn't quite decide how I felt about having told Richard everything. On the one hand I felt lighter now that I had finally told someone, gotten it off my chest and received some sympathy and comfort. On the other hand Richard was probably one of the last people I should've told, he was James co-worker, and more importantly his best mate. Feeling another stab of bitter and vindictive anger I decided I didn't care, in the end. I'd be gone in a few weeks.

 

About a week later, as I was packing up some of my stuff to ship back home, my phone lit up. I went ice cold inside when I saw James' name on the screen. Cursing him and what I suspected to be another drunken call, I turned the sound off and let it ring, then went back to my packing. Coming to London I had only brought two huge suitcases with me, but I was amazed at the amount of things I had managed to accumulate over the past 8 months in this city and realised that the suitcases wouldn't do on the return journey. So I'd gotten hold of a huge shipping crate into which I was now stuffing books, summer clothes and all the bits and bobs I knew I wouldn't need for another two weeks in London. To my surprise the phone started buzzing and lit up again shortly after the first call had ended. James again. And it kept calling, over and over. Had he passed out against his redial button? Stubbornly I kept on packing, and kept on ignoring, wishing he'd just give it up. Him calling me always rattled me, just by knowing I could hear his voice by the press of a button. Eventually the buzzing of the phones vibration stopped. Then it buzzed just once, making me look over at it again. A text?  
"Emily, please... I need to talk to you. Please pick up."  
That was the first words I'd gotten from James in over six weeks. I snorted derisively, thinking that I didn't give a rats ass about what James needed. Then the ringing started up again, and it kept ringing for another hour.  
"Oh for gods sake!" I shouted at it, finally having run out of patience. As soon as the ringing seized I found Richard's name in my contact list and dialled.  
"Yello?"  
"Richard? It's me, Emily."  
"Emily, hello!" He sounded pleasantly surprised. "What's up?"  
"Listen, is James anywhere near you?" I cut to the chase, wanting to get to the point.  
"Um, no, he isn't.." he said, sounding nonplussed. "Well, he's in the same building, somewhere, we're doing on a shoot around Cardiff right now, but it's a huge hotel. We have separate rooms, thank god. Why?"  
"Because he's been calling me for about two hours now, on and off. He's even sent me a text, saying he needs to talk to me, it's driving me up the wall. Would you know anything about this?"  
"Oh.. Ah. I might.. have something to do with that, actually," he began timidly. I sighed audibly before I asked in a resigned voice:  
"What did you do?"  
"Well, I..." He sounded hesitant. "I went over to return that t-shirt you gave me."  
"And? Just tell me everything, ok?"  
"Yeah, all right, all right, I will.. Well, I handed him the bag and he asked where I'd gotten it. And then what I'd been doing at your flat in the first place, like he thought I was over there shagging you or something! Anyway, I told him honestly that I'd gone to your place to talk about him because I'd been worried about him, because he'd been such a miserable bastard and everything. And how you told me about what happened between you two. Adding that you talked about him in much nicer terms than I frankly thought he deserved. And I told him I thought he was a massive cock for ever breaking it off with you."  
"Harsh, Richard." I muttered.  
"Yeah, I know... for a second there I was sure he was going to punch me right in the face, but then he..." Richard's voice trailed off.  
"He what?" I urged.  
"He... just cracked, right in front of me. He started crying. And shouting. "Don't you think I know that I fucked up the best thing I had in my life?" Complete breakdown. I've never seen him cry before, Emily, it was pretty... awful."  
"Oh... okay.." I said stupidly, trying to gauge how I felt about this, my emotions being contradictory and chaotic. I felt a stab of vindictive pleasure about him breaking down, that he was hurting. And it made me confused, and surprised, because this meant he was feeling something. I'd spent the weeks ever since storming out of his house convincing myself that he didn't care and didn't feel, which had made it easier to be angry with him, an emotion I much preferred to disappointment and hurt. Vaguely I wondered if he really had thought Richard and I was having an affair, and if he had - what the hell else was he thinking about me? I felt bad for having put Richard in the middle of this, and regretted asking him to return the t-shirt. "Was he drunk?"  
"No, not at all, we'd just come in from filming."  
"Was that it?"  
"Um, no.. When he'd calmed down a bit he... asked about you, how you were doing. I decided to be honest and told him "she's leaving, James, that's how she's doing. She's quit her job, she's moving back to Norway. Unless she gets offered to go to Sudan or some such first. She's trying to get as far away from you and the memories of you as possible." Then I told him that if he was ever going to get you back he better stop crying and get a fucking move on, because you'd be gone in a few weeks."  
"Oh, Richard.. You shouldn't have-" I began, but he cut me off.  
"Listen, Emily, you were the one who told me to go and be HIS mate. So that's what I did, I decided to be his mate, and as his mate I think he was the biggest twat alive for throwing away what he had with you, and that he should get off his arse and do everything humanly possible to get you back. So that's what I told him to do."  
"Okay," I sighed resignedly. "Fair enough. Oh for.. he's calling again." I heard the distant beep notifying me that I had another incoming call.  
"Are you ever going to pick up on him?"  
"Honestly, I don't know."  
"Want me to tell him to stop calling?" Richard asked helpfully.  
"I don't.. know..." I repeated, feeling myself being close to tears again.  
"All right, Emily. I get it." He sounded understanding, comforting, and again I hated myself.  
"I'm so sorry, Richard... For putting you in the middle of this. I shouldn't have told you, I should've kept you out of it..."  
"Oh stop it. If I didn't want to get in the middle of it, I would have," he said decisively.   
"I... okay. I'm still sorry, though. I should go. Try to.. figure this out," I said weakly. "Thank you, Richard. You're a good mate. To him. And to me." I hung up. James was still calling, and I just stared at the phone. The reason I didn't pick up wasn't anger anymore, or a wish to not talk to him, I was just paralyzed, completely unable to make a choice. So I avoided making one, and stuffed the phone under a pillow on my sofa, where I couldn't see its light or hear its buzzing, and went on packing.


	22. Chapter 22

Something tore me out of my slumber, and I dropped the remote control on my floor. I'd been snoozing on my sofa, trying to watch telly. I sat bolt upright, looking around and listening intently for what might have woken me up. Just when I had been about to relax again, thinking it might've just been a dream or a loud noise in the street, there was a knock on my door, slow but incessant. Frowning I checked my clock, it was half past midnight and I wondered sleepily who was knocking at this hour. Then there was another knock.  
"Emily...? Are you there?" The sound of that voice caused a violent reaction in me, making me feel nauseous, cold, terrified and angry all at once. Weeks and weeks worth of pain came rushing over me. Stupidly I shut the telly off, in a vain effort to pretend I wasn't in. If he could hear it, he would've heard it a long time ago. The voice had frozen me in to place, rendering me unable to think straight. Why was he here? He was supposed to be in Cardiff with the others, what the hell was he doing here? "Emily, please..." The voice coming through the door was rough, pleading, so unlike him, but still undeniably... him. Not really in control of my own feet I gravitated towards the front door, and stopped a few feet from it. Ambivalent, scared, lost. I held my breath, not knowing what I wanted more - to hear his footsteps as he left, or his voice calling out my name again. "Emily, please..." From a distance I heard my own voice answering him.  
"James, go away." Silence.  
"Emily, I just want to-"  
"No." I said, more loudly, cutting him off.  
"Please, Emily, I have to talk to you, I'm... I don't know what to do here."  
"I said. Go. Away." I spat loudly between gritted teeth. "Go back to Cardiff."  
"No." The voice coming through the door was defiant. "I'm not leaving until you talk to me."  
"I don't have to talk to you!" I shouted at the door.  
"I know you don't have to, Emily, but... Open the door, please..."  
"James, you have no right showing up like this!" I said loudly, desperately trying to hang on to whatever composure I had left. "Now fuck off, go away!"  
"I can stay out here all night until you talk to me." The defiance in his voice was gone, all that was left was just blind desperation. My frustration had been gradually building and I didn't have trouble deciding anymore, all I wanted was for him to leave me alone.   
"Why? You ended this, you wanted out, and I gave you the easiest fucking way out. You threw me out of your life! Not a word in weeks, you've been hiding away like the fucking coward you are, so why the hell should you talk now? Can't you just go away and leave me alone?!" I was shouting now, waving my arms at the door.  
"Emily, I--"  
"NO! I don't care about anything you have to say, I'm beyond caring. You didn't care, you bastard, so why the fuck should I?" I screamed and slammed my fist at the door, no longer aware of what I was saying. "Couldn't you have just stayed the fuck away?! Fuck you, James! You don't get to do this to me one more time, I'm not letting you, ever! Go away and leave me alone! LEAVE!" I couldn't see for tears anymore, and my voice was horribly distorted from screaming and crying at the same time.  
"I'm not leaving, I can't.. I can't leave..." James voice cracked. Was he crying?  
"LEAVE! James, leave or I'll call the fucking cops and have them drag your sorry ass out of here. LEAVE! LEAVE! JUST FUCKING LEAVE, PLEASE....!" I screamed at the top of my voice and then collapsed in a heap in the corner of my little hallway, sobbing grossly, giving myself over to a kind of soul-crushing crying-fit that was so intense it could strain you to the point of exploding. All my pain, my anger and my grief was threatening to smother me and I couldn't breathe, or move. I wanted pills again, I wanted not to feel, not to be awake, to not be anything at all.  
Slowly my hysterics subsided, even if the pain didn't. Feeling drained I remained in my corner of the hallway, sobbing ever more quietly, steadily regaining the ability to breathe. James voice was gone, the corridor beyond my door had been silent for a long time now. With a long, audible sigh I wiped my face and sniffed. I startled when the voice returned. It spoke softly.  
"Emily, I'm still here... I haven't left, because I can't. Scream and rage at me all you want, you've deserved that, but please... just open the door." Disbelievingly I stared at the door. How was he still here? How? Clumsily I got to my feet, stiff from having been curled up on the floor for god knows how long. I knew that I was losing, that I had already given in. I didn't have any more rage that could shield me from him and shut him out any longer. With a sigh I unlocked the door and opened it, frightened of what I might find on the other side. The door slid open. James had his back against the corridor wall, leaning against it, one arm folded across his chest. His head was down and resting in his free hand, his unruly hair hiding his face. At the sound of the door opening he straightened up and looked sideways at me, his hand still by his face. James was pale and drawn, almost see-through, as if he was worn too thin. It was like a ghost was looking back at me with cold, empty eyes, a look that would forever haunt me. His hair was overgrown and his face was covered in stubbles. Now that he had straightened up I could see that he was clutching the t-shirt I had wanted to return. Unable to bring myself to speak I just left the door open for him and walked back into my flat. Like a zombie I sat down on the sofa, as far away from the door as I could, pulling my knees up to my body and clutching a big pillow. Shielding myself. Slow footsteps came through my door and I heard it close shut. I had to will myself to look up at him. Seeing me like this, tense and curled up seemed to startle him. He remained by the door but looked at me searchingly, as if he was trying to work out if I was hiding because I was scared of him, or putting up a defensive wall against him.  
"Hello..." He said softly, his eyes searching for mine. I didn't answer but looked at him quickly, then averted my eyes again. Warily he took a few steps into my living room, walking slowly as if a sudden move could startle me into hysterics or spark my rage again. "Thank you. For opening the door," he said quietly. Encouraged by my silence he slowly walked over to the sofa and sat down on the other end of it. He leaned his elbows on his knees and held the grey t-shirt with both hands, looking down at it. "I... thought if you kept this, there was the smallest chance that..." His voice trailed off and he hung his head, burying his face in the t-shirt and his hands. I looked sideways to see his shoulders shaking as he started to sob, the sound was so heartbreaking it gave me a fleeting impulse to wrap my arm around him. I had never heard him cry before. But I fought it back, steeled myself. How much had I not cried for him in exactly the same way? Eventually his sobs died down, and he heaved a deep breath, trying to regain some control over himself. "Emily, I... God, I don't know where to begin," he huffed, exasperatedly. "I finally get to talk to you and I can't even.." Another silence. "For what it's worth.. I'm sorry, Emily. You have no idea how sorry I am. I know that doesn't mean shit to you right now, but I need to say it. God, it sounds so pathetic." Privately I couldn't help but agree with him. "Walking away from you... It wasn't the mature thing to do at all. I ran away because I was scared, rather than face it and.. try to work it out like a grown up. And I cowardly pretended to be protecting you, and thought I was protecting myself. Instead I just... ruined everything. The things you said to me before you left... At first I was just mad, because you were mad, and I thought you were unfair. Then I realised that you have every right to be as angry and upset with me as you had been." For a while all that could be heard was the traffic out in the street. "The silence you left behind..." he began, his voice frail like eggshells. "I thought it was going to kill me, I missed you the minute you were out the door. I was so sure that I had just... fucked up everything beyond repair. So I tried to settle for that, that no matter what I said or did you would never... Ever love me again, or even want to look at me. But not a day went by when I didn't think about calling you, or coming here, or.. I wrote you letters, I wrote texts, but I never sent them." I kept quiet, not knowing what to say. He kept staring at his hands as he talked, fiddling nervously with the t-shirt. He had wanted to talk, so I let him, and leaned my forehead against the pillow as I listened to him.   
"I never thought that we weren't... serious, I didn't mean that. It was more like... everything felt too serious. Not because you made it out to be, but because of everything I felt for you.. What I felt for you... I'd never felt anything like it before. Emily, before I met you, I.. I thought I'd figured most of it out. Who I was, where I wanted to be, what I wanted in life, what I didn't want. And I was damn sure I knew how it felt like to be in love with someone. And then you came along and... somehow you changed everything. Suddenly I was thinking about... wanting to live my whole life with you, maybe even get married, and about children, and things I was so sure I would never want. It scared the hell out of me. Suddenly I wasn't sure about anything anymore. And what scared me even more was the thought that you didn't feel.. as much as me. What I said to you... I don't care about the age difference. Without you I feel like I'm dead. And about being in different places in life... Without you I'm nowhere anyway, and the only place I want to be is wherever you are. I am a coward, you were right about that. I worried about how other people would react, which is pathetic. And it isn't who I want to be, someone who lets what other people might think dictate how I live my life. Frankly, I was just so... scared that one day, a month or a year or ten years in the future, you'd wake up and think "what am I doing, throwing away my life on this old sod?" Then you would've figured out that you didn't have to do that anymore, and you'd.. leave me. And I'd die alone and heartbroken. But the stupid thing is... Now I know that I'd much rather have that month, or that year, or those ten years with you, and risk you leaving me... Instead of just having caused you pain and misery." James fell silent, having run out of things to say. I sat up and let go of the pillow, then opened my mouth to speak, but I had been silent for so long not a word came out. The sound of me clearing my throat caused James to turn towards me, and we looked at each other for the first time in what felt like years.  
"You left me." I said coldly. They were such simple words, but they contained everything I needed to say; the hurt, the disappointment, the bitterness, the anger, the sadness. And they instantly made me cry again.  
"Emily, I know... I wish I could undo it, but I can't, you can't imagine how much I wish that I could. I regret it, I'm sorry about it, I... But none of that helps you. I promise that I will never, ever leave you again."  
"I... I have lost the most important people in my life, time and again," I began, still tearful. "I've found myself alone, and lonely, completely shattered. And I've had to rebuild my life, and I've had to work so hard to try and find any meaning in it again. I went through the same thing when you... I don't have another fucking loss in me, James." I looked into his eyes, as painful as it was. James sank down on the floor by my feet, putting a hand on my knee. I squirmed under his touch but he refused to let go.  
"Emily, I... I've been so fucking lost without you, I still am. I don't know what to do, or what to say to fix it."  
"Nothing you say will fix this. You ran away from me, you disappeared."  
"But I'm here now. And I'm done running." His bottom lip was trembling and his voice was cracking. "Which was why I didn't leave. Fear made me fuck this up, and fear kept me from trying to fix it for far too long. I'm not letting the fear get the better of me ever again." He was pleading now, still clutching at my knee, frail and crying.  
"You broke me, James..."  
"Please give me the chance to try and..?"  
"No, you can't...!" I said loudly and looked away, unable to bear his desperate eyes. Quickly I tried to wipe my face dry from tears, but they just kept coming.  
"Emily, I need you. You're the only thing that makes sense."  
"I don't want you in my life," I said flatly, still not looking at him, trying to conjure up some last remnants of anger to defend myself.  
"Please, don't say that...You don't mean that..." he sobbed.  
"I fucked someone else," I said savagely, a last desperate attempt to push him away.  
"I don't believe that, and even if it was true I wouldn't care!"  
"I don't have any feelings for you... anymore.." I said, barely able to get the words out through my sobs.  
"You do, otherwise you wouldn't be crying," he argued, also crying.  
"I don't..."I sobbed, not even knowing what I was trying to say anymore.  
"I love you, Emily. Please, please love me back." We looked into each other tear-filled eyes, and with that I realised that I had forgiven him. Not because he was crying, or pleading at my feet, not because he had begged for forgiveness, and not because of what he had said to me. Looking into those eyes I saw that for all the hurt and grief I'd felt over the past six weeks, he was more broken than me. But we were both broken, and we were the only ones who could fix each other. And because no matter how much he'd hurt me and let me down, I still loved him with all my heart. I lifted my hand and ran it shakily over his bushy hair. My hand came to rest at his neck and I pulled his head into my lap, then leaned forward and slid my arms around his head and shoulders. He buried his face in my lap, still shaking with sobs, his arms clutching at my sides. I ran my hand across his hair, over and over, desperately wanting to soothe his crying, the sound physically hurt me. Needing to hold him I straightened up and tugged at his arms, pulling him upwards, heaving him up off the floor. Blindly he crawled onto the sofa and into my arms, burying his wet face against my shoulder and neck.  
"Sssshh," I soothed as I cradled him in my arms while rocking him, running my hand over his head and back. Slowly his sobs died down, but he still clung on to me. Finally he took a deep breath and sighed, then straightened up slightly. Red, blood-shot eyes looked searchingly at me, there were still sadness in them, but now they also had a bleak ray of hope in them. Gingerly, as if he was unsure he had permission to, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in for a proper hug, and I nuzzled my face against the side of his neck for a moment, taking in the familiar smell of him. His arms loosened their grip on me, but only so he could lean back into me and rest his head on my shoulder. We sat there in silence, arms wrapped around each other. It was enough, we didn't have any need for more words. It was words that had started all this, and we'd both had enough of them. Silence was safer. Just holding him, getting used to feeling his body against mine again, being able to hold him and caress him, and feel him caress me back, was far more healing than anything we ever could have said to each other. "James?" I said casually, breaking the silence of the night.  
"Mm?" His voice was still rough, but he sounded calmer now, relaxed, more like himself.  
"Weren't you in Cardiff, filming Top Gear?" I asked, running my hand over his head and kissing his forehead lightly. His head remained rested against my shoulder as he spoke.  
"I was, but then this amazingly stubborn woman blankly refused to talk to me. So I was forced to drive all the way to London, in a car that isn't even mine I might add, so I could convince her to listen to me."  
"Aha, I see..." I said, chuckling a little. "What car was it?"  
"Masterati Gran Turismo."  
"Ooh, sexy..!" I said longingly, and it was James' turn to chuckle. "Doesn't that kind of.. ruin filming, though? Missing a presenter? And a car?"  
"Yes, a bit. But this was infinitely more important than a plucky motoring show. So frankly, I couldn't care less." I sighed and withdrew my arm from James, then got to my feet. When I did he looked up at me with a startled expression, as if he was worried that I was angry again, or going to throw him out.  
"I'm just getting some water." I smiled kindly at him, wanting to reassure him that everything was still okay.  
"Oh, okay." I felt his eyes following me as I padded out into the kitchen and filled a tall glass of water, had a drink then filled it again and brought it back to James. Wordlessly I handed it to him without sitting down and he drank deeply. When he set the glass down on the table I reached out my hand to him.  
"Come on," I said softly, he took my hand and got up from the sofa. I lead him into my dark bedroom and flicked on a small lamp by my bed. He held me back as I was about to climb into bed, looking at me questioningly, his eyes asking if he was really allowed. Without answering I crawled into it, not letting go of his hand, pulling him after me. Almost shyly he followed and sank down on the bed, but further away from me than I would've wanted. Lying on his side he just peered at me, looking utterly lost and lonely. I inched closer to him and placed a gentle hand on the side of his neck, caressing his cheek with my thumb. I wanted him to wrap his arm around me, but he didn't and I wondered if he thought I wouldn't want him to. I decided to give him time, realising he needed time to forgive himself even if I already had. In the dim light we just looked into each other's eyes. Whole conversations passed unspoken between us in the night, James' eyes told me of his remorse, fear and guilt, but also of his hope and love.  
"You know... I didn't really sleep with anyone else," I admitted quietly, suddenly remembering my pathetic attempt to hurt him.  
"Good." He gave a sigh of relief. "I would have cared, you know. An awful lot."  
"Good," I echoed, and gave him a little smile which he returned. "How long would you have stayed out there in my hallway?"  
"Days. Weeks. I considered kicking in your door but I was worried I would hurt my arthritic hip," he muttered dryly. At this I burst out laughing. He had balls for daring to make age-related jokes already. My laughter made James break out into a quick little smile which chased all traces of sadness from his eyes for as long as it lasted. It also gave him the courage to wrap his arm around me. I fell silent again, content to just be able to have James with me and have him hold me. He was broken and battered, but slowly I rediscovered the face of the man I had once fallen in love with, not that long ago. But it felt like a lifetime had passed since then. As the quiet stretched on, I could see how James' eyes became unfocused, somehow gazing inward. He had obviously fallen deep in thought, and I let him be for a while, giving him time to process. But I grew impatient, wanting him back, wanting to pull him back from that abyss he seemed to be staring into.  
"James?" My voice brought him back and his eyes snapped into focus, looking at me. "Where were you just now?" I asked mildly. He averted his eyes for a moment, his hand fiddling nervously with the hair at the back of my neck.  
"Do you think..." He began, but his voice broke. He cleared his throat and continued. "Do you think... you could ever... forgive me?" The man looking at me in that moment me was bare, completely vulnerable, stripped down to nothing but his fears and insecurities.  
"I already have."  
"I don't deserve that..." he said quietly, looking down.  
"Maybe you don't right now. And maybe you don't deserve me loving you, either, but I do all the same." At this he startled and his eyes shot upward and met mine.  
"What?"  
"I love you, you daft sod," I said with feeling. James' face completely transformed when he broke out into a wide grin, it was like the light and life returned to his eyes. His arms closed tighter around me and he leaned in hurriedly like he couldn't wait to kiss me. But he froze in mid-motion, inches from my face, looking insecure. It was as if he suddenly remembered that things were perhaps different now and he couldn't just kiss me because he had an overwhelming urge to. "It's okay," I said softly, caressing the side of his neck. Urged on by this he closed the remaining gap between us and awkwardly, like he had never kissed anyone before, pressed his lips against mine. Instantly falling into an old habit I tangled my fingers into his hair as I kissed him back, desperate to reassure him that this really was okay. His kisses went from timid and nervous to deep and intense as his confidence grew. He had told me about his feelings with his words, and his eyes, and now he was telling me with his lips, and his hands. It made me feel that familiar jolt of glowing joy his kisses had always given me. When he eventually broke the kiss, he did it reluctantly, and kept his face close to mine. I couldn't help but break out into a wide, manic grin, the same way I had the first time he kissed me.  
"God, I've missed that," he sighed.  
"Me too," I smiled. He leaned his forehead against mine.  
"I've missed you so... so fucking much. Your laughter, your smile, sleeping next to you ... The thought that I'd never get to kiss you again... " His voice trailed off and the sadness crept back into his eyes.  
"Hey," I said firmly, forcing him to look into my eyes. "Let go of that thought, because you can kiss me all you want. Like... right now would be good. Less sad talk, more kissing please." He smiled slightly and ran his hand over my hair before leaning into kiss me again. When we broke apart we just looked at one another, just happy to be able to see some happiness in each other's faces again. "Did you tell anyone you were going before you left? Have you talked to any of them?" I asked.  
"Um, no, I didn't, actually, and I haven't." James frowned, looking like he had just remembered that other people existed in the world.  
"I was thinking they could be worried about you."  
"Yeah, they might be... They've probably tried to get hold of me, I don't know, I left my phone in the car."  
"Maybe I should send Hammond a text or something, let them know you're okay?" I asked, and James nodded his consent. "My phone is in the living room, I'll be right back." I scrambled to my feet and retrieved my phone from under the pillow on the sofa, then went back to the bed room and sat down on the edge of the bed. "By the way, would you like to know how many times you called me earlier, you stubborn git?" I smirked, looking at the screen.  
"Go on," he said, bracing himself.  
"41 missed calls," I smirked, and he made a grimace. Besides from all the calls from James, Richard had called a few times, and sent a text.  
"We can't find James, and a car is missing. Just wanted to let you know." That was three hours ago. Quickly I typed in a response, not wanting to call him this late.  
"Hi Hamster. James is here with me. He's okay. Don't worry, I won't kill him :) Hope you get some sleep." After having sent the text I put the phone down on the nightstand.  
"Right. I told him you're here, and that I'm not going to kill you."  
"Good, thank you," James said, looking up at me from where he was still lying on my bed. I ran a hand over his arm and squeezed his hand.  
"God, you're ice cold!" I said when I felt the temperature of his skin.  
"Yeah, I feel a bit... well, cold," he shrugged, and shivered a bit. I could guess why he felt the way he was; he was exhausted, physically as well as emotionally, and tired.  
"Poor sweetie," I said, running my warm hand over his cold arm. Then I stood up from the bed and tore off my shirt.  
"What are you doing?" James wondered, propping himself up on his elbows and looking at me wide-eyed while I stripped down to my underwear.  
"I'm going to try and get some warmth back into you," I explained as I sat down on the bed and started taking off his jumper and t-shirt. "And the best thing is body heat. Plus, I've missed your skin." James obligingly sat up and raised his hands over his head. Naked from the waist up he laid back down and let me take off his jeans. I crawled into bed and inched up to him, slipped an arm under his neck and wrapped it around his back. With my free hand I pulled my duvet over both of us and wrapped that arm around him too. He felt small and thin in my arms, tense and frozen, like the cold was radiating from somewhere inside him. He sighed heavily and buried his face against the side of my neck, clinging on to me in search for more warmth. I kept running my hands over his back, wanting to cocoon him with my body. His body shivered slightly and he hummed against my neck.  
"This might be the best feeling I have ever had..." he mumbled. Nestled under the duvet and in my arms the warmth slowly trickled back into his body, and I felt how he thawed and relaxed against me.  
"Feeling better? Warmer?" I asked, running a hand through his hair.  
"Yeah, I feel.... like I want to stay like this forever," he sighed and squeezed me tightly. I looked down, into eyes with a shade of blue I never could get enough of. "Emily, I love you." He spoke so quietly it was almost a whisper, as if he hardly dared say it.  
"And I love you." I ran a hand down the side of his face. Then we kissed, slowly and tenderly, like we were learning to kiss each other all over again. James rested back against my shoulder, and I kept running my hand over his back, I couldn't get enough of his skin under my fingertips. In the past six weeks we had drifted so far apart and I had done all I could to detach myself from him, convinced that I would never even see him again. Now that he was here I never wanted to let him go from my arms ever again. I could hear how James' breathing became slow and deep, and how his arm got a little heavier where it was draped around me as he drifted off to sleep. Gently I kissed his forehead and allowed myself to join him in his slumber, calmed by James' breaths and his weight and warmth against me.


	23. Chapter 23

I sensed before even opening my eyes that James was gone. Beside me on the bed was an empty space. Panic rose inside me when I saw that James' clothes was gone from the floor as well. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard James' voice from the kitchen, talking on the phone. He had probably put his clothes on so he could go get his phone out of the car. It was nearly eleven, and I stretched and yawned knowing that I hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep, and that I wasn't getting out of bed just yet. I heard James ending the conversation and his footsteps making his way back to the bedroom.  
"Hello," he smiled as I saw that I was awake.  
"Hey, you..." I said groggily and returned a sleepy smile. Then I stretched my arms out to him like a needy toddler. "Come back to bed." Not being hard to ask, James instantly crawled in under my duvet, still fully clothed, and snuggled up to me.  
"I just talked to Hammond," he mumbled against my skin.  
"Are you fired yet?" I asked cheekily.  
"No..!" I heard the smirk in his voice and felt him poke me in the ribs teasingly. I curled up into a ball, terrified he was going to tickle me more, but he didn't and I relaxed. "Richard has talked to everyone, just told them I had some personal things to deal with. He said he wanted to leave it up to me how much I would want to tell everyone. The whole crew has been let loose in Cardiff, just having a fun day."  
"Well, this whole thing is pretty.. personal, I guess he wanted to give you a chance to protect your privacy," I pointed out.  
"Mm. But I should be back there tomorrow morning, they've just postponed filming until then. Unless you don't want me to, because then I won't go and they'll just have to make do without me," he added stubbornly, squeezing me tightly.  
"No, no... You should go, it's your job. A lot of people are depending on you."  
"You're too considerate," he muttered, a part of him had wanted me to not give him permission to go. "Come with me?"  
"I would love to, but I have work tomorrow. It's my last day, so... How long are you filming for?"  
"Just for a day. That was the plan anyway, so hopefully I'll be back by tomorrow night. But I'll have to leave tonight. Or very, very early in the morning."  
"Okay," I mumbled and kissed the top of his head, sad to know he had to leave so soon. More than anything we needed time, time to be together and find each other again. But I wanted him to do his job, he loved working with Top Gear and this had already ruined enough. It was just for one day - I had been away from him for a month and a half, I could deal with one more day. "What are you going to tell everyone?" I asked out of genuine curiosity, but instantly regretted it. It could've sounded like I was out for an argument or wanted to test him.  
"The truth," he said and propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at me. "That I realised I needed to go back to London to beg on my knees and apologise to a woman I love, that I had to try and get my girlfriend back before she disappeared out of my life. No more secrets, I don't want that. I've found someone, someone amazing that I'm absolutely mad about and I want everyone to know about it."  
"You are awfully cute when you're gushing," I said when I regained the ability to speak. "Especially when you're gushing about me."  
"I can gush about you for hours," he smirked and gave me a quick kiss, that turned into another, and then another. When we broke apart I ran my fingertips over his cheek.  
"Sweetie, if I'm going to keep kissing you, you need to go have a shave! As sexy as the scruff is, if we keep this up my face is going to be rubbed raw."  
"I didn't bring anything with me, and definitely not any razors," James said apologetically.  
"I have a razor?"  
"Which you use under your arms and between your legs!" He pointed out, frowning.  
"Well..." I said with a shrug and a sly smile. "As far as I can remember, you've had your face between my legs plenty of times...?" He opened his mouth, but was stunned into silence. "Oh relax, I'm kidding. There's a brand new one in the bathroom. Now go on," I said and poked him in the chest. He sighed and rolled his yes, then scrambled out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom. I watched him go, then got to my feet and padded into the kitchen to pour myself something to drink. On my way through the living room I noticed the grey t-shirt lying on my sofa, and I snatched it up and pulled it on as I headed back to bed. When James emerged from the bathroom he looked like a new man, fresh and rosy-cheeked, it was amazing what a shave could do. The stubbles had been sexy, but this was even better.  
"God, I need a haircut," he mumbled and ruffled his hair.  
"No, don't, I like it that way," I smiled as he came towards me.  
"Hey, I thought you gave that t-shirt back!" He said with a smirk when he spotted what I was wearing, and I just laughed. "Better?" He asked, sitting down on the edge of my bed, supporting himself on his arms as he leaned over me.  
"I don't know, I have to feel for myself," I said and sat up. Wrapping my arms around him and weaving my fingers into his hair I pulled him in for a kiss, and gave a satisfied hum at the feel of his newly shaven skin. "Mmmmuch better," I mumbled against his lips. "Now come here." I pulled him down with me onto the bed and we nuzzled and kissed, getting used to being close again. My head rested against James' shoulder and I felt his hand run lazily up and down my back. Having had way too little sleep I felt how I relaxed more and more into him and in the end I began to blink heavily, nodding off.  
"Hey, hey, hey, no sleeping," James said softly and kissed my mouth to stir me awake again.  
"Muh? No?" I mumbled, disappointed.  
"You and I are going out for breakfast. Lunch. Dinner? Whatever the appropriate meal-time is. Food!" He said excitedly. The prospect of having to go outside into chilly London-streets didn't seem much appealing at first, and I grumbled my disapproval. But when James crawled out of bed, taking his arms and his warmth with him, I quickly changed my mind and got up.  
"I need a shower first," I mumbled and wobbled into the bathroom. After a quick shower I got dressed in a hurry as we were both starving. Leaving it up to me to decide James trailed after me as I marched to my favourite local cafe, where we both ordered huge sandwiches with tonnes of chips. For a while we were far too busy tucking into food to keep up a conversation, but every now and then we looked at each other lovingly across the table, and my heart skipped a beat. Some part of me was still in shock, and that part of me also refused to relax and let go of fear and scepticism. Some mortally offended little goblin in the back of my brain kept hissing something about having been too easy on him, that I had let him back into my life too easily, what if he got scared again? I could barely comprehend that he was really here, that he was back with me. I didn't doubt or regret that I had forgiven him. But I had spent the last six weeks trying to come to terms with us being over, that I wouldn't be with him anymore. My brain just needed time to catch up with my heart. My phone made a noise that tore me out of my thoughts, and I quickly read the text I had received.  
"Hammond just wanted to make sure I still hadn't killed you," I said with a half-smile as I put the phone down.  
"... Did you tell him you were going to when he came to see you?" James looked a little worried, but there was something else behind the question as well, some sort of scepticism or maybe even a hint of jealousy.  
"No, I didn't. I may have mentioned, however, something about wanting to punch you in the gentleman's area... Repeatedly... A bit," I shrugged apologetically, and James grimaced at the thought of it. "I don't have that urge anymore," I assured him, but he still swallowed nervously and eyed me suspiciously. "It probably seemed strange to you that Richard came to talk to me?"  
"Yeah, I was a bit... surprised," he admitted, prodding a chip with his fork.  
"I was, too, when he showed up at my door. I didn't even know he knew where I lived! He told me he felt like he was going behind your back, talking to me. But he was just really... worried about you, trying to figure out what was going on. He thought maybe you were having a depression or it was something caused by hitting your head. He just wanted to help, and thought maybe I would... know something or be able to talk to you. You can't blame him, he had no way of knowing about what was going on between you and me, he just thought we were good mates and that maybe I could reach you when he couldn't."  
"I don't blame him..." James said, looking awkward and unhappy. "I know I've been awful to be around lately. I've been horrible to Richard, and to Jezza, every time they asked how I was or asked me flat-out what was bothering me, I just... snapped at them, brushed them off. Mostly because I was ashamed and couldn't bring myself to tell them what a cock I'd been to you. Even I didn't sympathise with me, so why should they?"  
"A mate isn't always supposed to sympathise. Sometimes he has do the opposite and give you a good, hard kick up the arse." I pointed out. "You know, except for Richard I never talked to anyone about us."  
"Why didn't you?"  
"I felt ashamed too, just for different reasons. I felt.. tricked, like I had been incredibly naive for letting myself get so... carried away, getting so attached. I felt stupid and embarrassed. I'm not quite sure why I told Richard, it probably wasn't the best person to talk to because it ended up putting him in the middle of all of this. I just couldn't carry it around on my own anymore, and suddenly he was there, talking about you. I thought maybe what happened between us could explain what was going on with you. And I wanted him to know why I couldn't help. They're good mates, James, and they really care about you." James looked at me thoughtfully, nodding slightly.  
"Emily, why did you return that t-shirt?" He asked suddenly.  
"I had two very different reasons for wanting to. At first I thought I returned it because I just wanted you, and anything that could remind me of you, out of my life. But maybe I did because I hoped it would coax some sort of response in you. That t-shirt was somehow my last connection to you, and by returning it and cutting that last thread, maybe you'd... change your mind. Or at least I'd hear something from you."  
"Well, it worked," James said and reached over the table for my hand. He kissed it tenderly and raised it to his own cheek, closing his eyes at the feel of my palm.  
"I guess I never entirely gave up on you ," I smiled.  
"You have no idea how grateful I am that you didn't," he sighed, gave my hand another kiss and let it go. "I'm sorry making you feel... naive and ashamed. And for all the other bad things I made you feel."  
"I know," I said mildly. We finished our food and headed back out into the cold London-streets, the winds were picking up again causing it to drizzle sideways. At a street corner we had to wait for a green light to cross a busy street. While waiting James hand found mine and he came closer, leaning in for a kiss. Startled I put a hand on his chest to stop him and looked around pointedly. We were out in the middle of London, in a crowded street on a Friday afternoon, a lot of people would see us.  
"I don't care if someone sees us. I meant it when I said I want everyone to know about us," he said determinedly, and closed the remaining gap between us. The traffic lights started beeping while we kissed, telling the world it was safe to cross the street, but we ignored it. A gang of rowdy blokes in their early twenties passed us and cheered loudly: "you go Captain Slow!" and we to burst into a fit of giggles. Blushing I hid my face against James jacket and he wrapped his arms around my neck to shield me. I looked up at him, still giggling.  
"Thank you," I smiled and James gave me another quick kiss. We managed to hurry across the street before the light turned red again, heading back to my apartment.

"Have you decided if you're driving back tonight or tomorrow morning?" I said I took off my jacket in the hallway. James made a grimace.  
"I think maybe tonight. Otherwise I'd have to leave at like.. 5am and wouldn't be able to drive back here at the end of the day," he sighed.  
"Maybe you should have a nap before you leave? We didn't get that much sleep last night."  
"Mm," he mumbled, hanging his own jacket on a hook on the wall, then pulled me in for a hug. "Have a nap with me?" I nodded and we crawled into bed, cold from having been outside. "I just wish I hadn't forgotten my iPod, music would at least keep me somewhat entertained," he mumbled when we'd settled against each other.  
"Borrow mine? Should be something on there you can bear to listen to?"  
"Can I? That would be great, thanks." I set my alarm and we were soon asleep. James grumbled and swore when I tried to drag him out of bed a few hours later. I had tried to go gentle on him but he refused to be woken up by kisses and gentle prods, in the end I had to resort to mercilessly tearing the duvet off him. I gave him coffee and plenty of kisses to make up for it, and bit by bit he returned to a somewhat human state. "Leaving you is the last thing in the world I want to do right now," he said unhappily as he stood in my hallway, jacket and shoes on. I stuffed my iPod and a car-charger into his pocket. He pulled me close and leaned his forehead against mine, rubbing my sides.  
"I know, sweetheart," I sighed. "I don't want you to go either. But it's just for a day. I'll see you tomorrow night?"  
"Okay," he sighed, still unhappy.  
"Call me if you get tired, yeah?"  
"Can I call you anyway?" He said, looking up at me.  
"Of course," I smiled and gave him a lingering kiss. "Say hi to the guys from me. And drive safe."  
"I love you," he said.  
"Love you, too." Before our period apart we had never said that to each other, even if I had wanted to say it many times. My fear had made me hold back, scared such a big sentiment would chase him away. Saying it now was easy, because now I knew that I had always loved him, that I hadn't stopped loving him even when I hated him.


	24. Chapter 24

Having my last shift at the hospital the following day turned out to be a secret blessing, because it kept my hands as well as my head occupied. I imagine I would've gone out of my mind if I had been at home in my apartment, thinking about James, missing him, needing him. It was like he had left right in the middle of something important. Actually, he had. Not that he had wanted to leave, I had told him to go and do to his job. I also knew he had gone just because I had said so, and right now the only thing he was able to do was whatever I wanted him to. We still had things to say to each other, apologies to make, a bridge to gap. But it would have to wait, at least for a little bit, and meanwhile I was glad I had work to keep me busy. I was showered with attention, flowers and words of praise all day, from patients, nurses and doctors. It felt ridiculous to say goodbye to all these people when I wasn't sure I was going anywhere after all, a few times I had to fight back the urge to exclaim: "hey guys, I was only joking, I'm not leaving anyway, can I stay?" My reason to leave had suddenly turned into my reason for wanting to stay. Another thing I needed to talk to James about. It would have to wait.

Unable to fall asleep until I knew James had arrived in Cardiff, I had stayed awake the previous night until I knew James was at his hotel. He called me a few times on the way, "just to hear my voice" as he said. Even though he did most of the talking, ranting about my music or horrid Christian motorists ruining traffic. Now that he had finally gotten through to me he had a need to keep the connection open, to keep talking, so I let him talk, just happy to hear his voice. He called from his hotel room to say a quick goodnight. I hadn't heard anything since, but I knew they had an early start and a busy day, he had warned me about that and I barely had time to check my phone until I was out of the hospital that afternoon. On it was a text message. "You'll be picked up at 8pm. James." I frowned at the phone, puzzled. Was that it? Hurriedly I typed a text back. "Am I going somewhere? Who is picking me up, you? Details, please!" The phone remained silent as I walked from the hospital to my flat. Finally getting a reply I read it quickly. "You'll see. Don't ask, I won't tell. Can't wait to see you again. James." Curiosity was killing me, James had to be up to something. I spent the remainder of the afternoon leading up to 8pm pacing around restlessly. What should I wear? Normal clothes? Should I pack something? What was happening? Asking James was pointless, he had said he wasn't going to tell me anything and I knew how stubborn he could be. Time typically seemed to move diabolically slow, and I felt I had aged several years when it finally reached 8pm. I had decided on wearing normal clothes, not having been told to dress neither up, down or in any particular way. A big, severe-looking Mercedes was outside my building when I closed the door behind me, and a middle-aged man in a dark business-like suit approached me.  
"Emily?"   
"Um, yes?" He shook my hand politely.  
"I'm here to pick you up." The man opened the door to the backseat for me and I got in, feeling awkward and out of place. There was a rose and a folded card on the seat next to me. Opening it I saw James' familiar handwriting. "Let the poor man drive and don't bother him, he isn't allowed to tell you anything either. X James." I laughed out loud at the written message. Smelling my rose I looked absentmindedly out the window as the lit-up London streets passed by. My heart was pounding and I had butterflies in my stomach, feeling nervous and excited like a child the day before its birthday. Or a girl going to a very exciting date. This was something very unfamiliar for me, not knowing what to expect. The drive took about 15 minutes, and it took me past places in London I knew very well, but that didn't tell me much about what my final destination was: past Leicester square, Trafalgar Square and Parliament square, past the Parliament and over Westminster bridge. As the car came to a halt I spotted James standing on the sidewalk, looking wind-swept and tense. Spotting the car he hurried over, opened the door for me and offered a hand to help me out. At first I just had eyes for him, with his slightly overgrown hair on end and his blue eyes. He was wearing one of his flowery patterned shirts and my favourite brown leather jacket and he looked amazing.  
"Hey, you," he breathed, looked from the rose I was holding and to my face, then pulled me in for a kiss.  
"Hello," I smiled shyly, suddenly feeling like I really was on a date. He was nervous and giddy about his surprise, which was incredibly endearing. "James? What are we doing here?" I asked as I looked up at the huge building in front of us, unable to restrain my curiosity anymore.  
"We're going to the aquarium!" He said excitedly. "We talked a lot about wanting to go there, before... And we never did. Thought it was about time I took you."  
"But.. isn't it closed by now?" I pointed out.  
"Not for us." He smiled, took my hand in his and lead me eagerly toward the entrance. I couldn't help but giggle and followed him inside. The place was completely deserted apart from a woman sitting at the information desk. She gave us a friendly smile and a wave.  
"Have fun, you two," she winked and went back to her paperwork. James dragged me onward, obviously knowing which way to go. We entered a dark walkway, filled with that blue light you only got in aquariums, and a little further up the floor was partly made of glass. Underneath it was blue water and I saw something swim past quickly.  
"Sharks!" James said excitedly and pointed. We got down on our knees and watched as the huge animals sedately swam around with such apparent ease and tranquility. James pointed out the different sharks and told me what he knew about them.  
"Oh yeah, you dived with sharks, didn't you?" I said, remembering why James probably knew so much about them and James nodded. "I'm very jealous of that. I'd love to get a PADI license."  
"Have you ever gone diving?" James asked.  
"Yeah, tried scuba diving on Malta, many years ago. Amazing experience. It is a cliche but it really is a different world down there. It was very windy that day, strong currents so most of the fishies were hiding away somewhere but it was still... incredible."  
"We'll should do that someday, maybe. Go somewhere... sunny and warm, with clear waters, get you a divers permit...?"  
"Yes! I'm in! Deal!" I smiled eagerly, ecstatic to be making fun plans with him again. James got up to his feet and helped me up, then pulled me in for a quick kiss.  
"Come on, more to see." We spent an hour meandering around the quiet aquarium. James rarely let go of my hand as I tottered around from one display to another, mesmerised by the beauty, the colours and the sheer oddness of animals and plants: seahorses, corals, rays and fish from all over the world. The penguins amused me to no end and I giggled like a schoolgirl as I watched them, making James laugh too. Eventually I managed to tear myself away from the penguins and we walked on.  
"Ooh, ocean tunnel, I love those!" I said as we passed a sign. Turning the corner and looking in to the tunnel in front of me made me I stop dead in my tracks. The curved tunnel ceiling was made of glass, enabling us see the sandy bottom of the "ocean," the stones and coral reefs, the fishes and the turtles floating overhead. Because of the water the tunnel was bathed in a mystical, blue-green light. This wasn't what had made me stop, because these things I had expected. In the middle of the tunnel was a table and two chairs. The table was set with a purple tablecloth, plates and cutlery, flowers in a vase and candles. More candles littered the floor of the tunnel here and there. Lost for words I spun around to look at James, wide-eyed and gaping.  
"I thought.. this might be a good place to have dinner." He shifted uneasily and looked at the floor, suddenly insecure. Getting no reply he looked up at me and spotted my eyes brimming with tears. "Oh no, don't cry, no more crying," he said despairingly and quickly wiped a tear from my cheek with his thumb. I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself.  
"... this is perfect," I managed to squeak before clapping my arms around him to hide that I was still crying. "They're happy tears, ok?" I sobbed. Finally having gotten some control of my emotions I loosened my grip on James so I could see his face.  
"I know this isn't... going to fix everything or undo what happened," James began. "I hate the fact that I hurt you, that you were miserable for weeks and weeks because of something I said and did. I can't undo that. All I can do is try make you feel the opposite. I want to take you places, do things with you, give you... happy moments and good experiences. Maybe someday they will outweigh all the hurt I caused. I want us to have a good time together again. I guess all I want to do is make you happy again, with me."  
"This is a bloody good start," I sniffed and gave him a tearful kiss. He smiled, looking relieved. Taking his hand I led him into the tunnel, trying to take everything in. It looked magical. After a few steps I came to a halt again, transfixed by a green sea turtle floating past us overhead. James arms closed around me from behind as he also looked up.  
"It looks so... peaceful," I sighed.  
"Mm," James agreed. "I always thought turtles look so sage and wise. And old."  
"Some of them look like grumpy old men," I observed.  
"Like me?" James asked, I could hear the smirk in his voice.  
"You're not that old," I said pointedly and he chuckled a little against my neck. I turned around in his arms to face him. "How on earth did you swing all this?" I said, looking around us.  
"I made about a hundred phone calls. Called in a few favours. I know a few people working with the sharks here, because of that documentary I did. And I begged a little. Well, a lot," he added.  
"Thank you so much," I said sincerely and gave him a long, lingering kiss, trying to keep myself from crying again.  
"Go on, sit down, food should be here soon," James said, nodding at one of the chairs.  
"I will, hang on a sec," I said as I let go of James and pulled my phone out of my pocket to take a few photos, I wanted to be able to look back at this not just in my mind. While I snapped a few photos James turned his attention to what was going on in the waters above and around us. Stealthily I took a photo of James while he wasn't paying attention, he looked gorgeous in the blue light with his look of boyish fascination. The shutter-sound as the phone took a photo caused James to look at me and I bit my lip innocently.  
"I might be old and grumpy, but the real turtles are that way," James pointed upwards.  
"Oh shut up," I huffed. "I can tell the difference between you and turtles. I just... think you are a very handsome man, hence I want a photo of you." Despite having told James about my feelings for him, even that I loved him, this little admission made me blush shyly and I kissed his cheek quickly. I was pleased to see that James blinked rapidly a few times and blushed a little himself, then smiled awkwardly. It almost felt like we really were starting all over again, lbeing two nervous people on their first date. A little shy, a little awkward, but flirting and so obviously head over heels for each other. "So, what are we having for dinner?" I asked as I sat down by the table.  
"Well," James said as he joined my at the table. "This place doesn't have a restaurant or anything, so I had to go for some take out. I called that Moroccan place we talked about going to, they're making some sort of... tasting platters, a bit of everything."  
"Ooh, sounds good!" I smiled. "But no seafood, right? That would feel very wrong in here," I added, eyeing a spangly fish lazily swimming past. James laughed loudly.  
"I had the same thought. So no, no seafood." A rattling and footsteps in the distance revealed that someone was on their way. "There's the food now," James said as he got up and disappeared around the corner from which we had come. He said a hurried thank you and the set of footsteps retreated. James returned with two bottles of wine that were already opened.  
"That isn't food," I pointed out dryly and he rolled his eyes.  
"I only have two hands. Patience, woman," he huffed, but I could see the teasing glitter in his eyes.  
"I could help you?" I suggested and he shook his head.  
"No, no, you don't have to," he waved and vanished out of sight again. "You can pour wine!" I heard his disembodied voice call back to me. James had to make three more trips back and forth, each time carrying plates and bowls of various food. I recognised couscous and the familiar smell of spices like cinnamon, cumin, ginger and coriander. Everything looked and smelled delicious. "I can't tell you what any of this is," James said as he sat down, eyeing the food.  
"That's couscous," I pointed out helpfully.  
"Yes, that one I could have told you," he agreed with a chuckle.  
"Oh, it doesn't matter," I waved. "I'm sure it's all good." James raised his glass of wine and held it out to me as if making a toast.  
"To you. For finding it in your heart to open the door for me again. And for being the most big-hearted woman I have ever met." For a moment I was rendered speechless and had to clear my throat to be able to say anything.  
"And to you. For finally coming to your bloody senses," I began and James gave a little chuckle. "And for being more stubborn than me in the end. I'm grateful you didn't give up on me and left, even when I told you to."  
"To a new beginning? "James asked, raising his eyebrows.  
"Yes. To a new beginning," I smiled and we clinked glasses. Eagerly and with some curiosity we dug into our food, quickly making a game of guessing what we were eating and arguing amicably whenever we disagreed. We agreed that we liked Moroccan food, on the whole. Once in a while I remembered where I actually was and got lost staring at the beautiful creatures swimming around.  
"I swear Nemo over here is eyeing my food," I muttered when a particularly curious fish had stared at me for what felt like minutes, and James chuckled.  
"Maybe it just thinks you're as beautiful as I do," James replied. I stared incredulously at him for a moment, then we broke out giggling.  
"I'm torn between being flattered and booing at you, because that was just..."  
"Cheap, yeah, " James finished, nodding. Turning serious, he added: "I mean it though."  
"Are you flirting with me, Mister May?" I challenged, feeling silly from a few glasses of wine.  
"Yes. Shamelessly," he smirked.  
"Good," I nodded and had another sip of wine. Agreeing that we were both full, James cleared away plates and bowls, still refusing to accept any help from me.  
"Are you too full for dessert?" he asked, looking secretive again.  
"Never!" I smiled. "Don't you know me well enough to know that I have a separate space for dessert?"  
"This isn't very fancy," James warned. "And I hope it hasn't melted," he added as he disappeared around the corner again. I couldn't help but laugh when he returned with a tub of my favourite flavour of Ben & Jerry's and two spoons.  
"Aaaw," I crooned as James sat down and handed me a spoon. The ice cream hadn't melted and we ate right out of the tub. "I remember the last time you bought me this. I was so ill!"  
"I know, I was worried sick about you. I just couldn't leave you like that."  
"I'm glad you didn't. I guess I never really said this to you, but I was so glad you came around that day. And that you stayed with me, I didn't want you to leave. As much as I wanted to pretend like I could take care of myself, all I really wanted was to be taken care of. By you."  
"And you just couldn't let me without a little bit of a fight," he smiled.  
"Of course I couldn't, " I said, returning the smile. "That was the first night you slept next to me. I remember I woke up in the middle of the night, surprised you were still there. I was all... sick and feverish and disgusting."  
"I didn't want to get out of that bed even when I had to. I didn't care if you were sick, I just wanted to hold you."  
"Aaaw," I crooned again and James blush embarrassedly. "You are incredibly cute when you're blushing," I added teasingly, making him even more flustered.  
"You're enjoying making me, aren't you?" He tried to look stern but failed to hold back a smile. "Eat your ice cream." I obeyed orders and we ate in silence for a while.  
"I might have regrets about finishing that," I sighed when the tub was empty.  
"Me too," James agreed. "Want to get out of here? Stretch our legs, walk it off?"  
"Yeah," I said, got to my feet and pulled on my jacket. Then I took a few step towards James and wrapped my arms gently around him. "But first..." I pulled him close and kissed him slowly and tenderly. I hummed happily and hugged him tightly. "Thank you so much for this," I said softly in his ear. "This has been just... perfect."  
"You're welcome, love," he whispered back.   
"We should blow out the candles before we leave," I pointed out as we let go of each other.  
"Ah, I forgot. Fireman's daughter," James remembered. "You know, it would be ironic if we managed to burn it down though, this place is mostly made of water."  
"Who is going to tidy up after us?" I asked when we had extinguished all the candles and headed out of the tunnel.  
"People whom I have paid to do so, because you and I can't be bothered to tonight," he said simply. We walked out of the aquarium hand in hand, not saying much - we were too full to talk and I enjoyed having a last look at the aquariums. Returning to the entrance hall we said goodbye to the woman who was still sitting at the information desk.  
"Poor woman," I said sympathetically as we walked out of the front doors. The chilly March-air hit me like a wall and cleared my head a little. "I hope she got paid triple overtime."  
"That's so typical of you," James said and stopped to look at me. "Always thinking about everybody else."  
"Mostly I think about you," I said, biting my lip coyly.  
"Are you flirting with me now, miss Brendan?" He slipped his arms around me and raised an eyebrow at me.  
"Yes. Shamelessly," I shot back and was rewarded with a quick kiss. Curious about what the rest of the night would bring I couldn't stop myself from asking. "So, what happens now?"  
"Well..." James suddenly looked a bit insecure. "I.. Would you like to come home with me?"  
"Why wouldn't I?" I asked, a bit perplexed.  
"I'm.. not taking anything for granted. I don't expect us to just.. pick up where we left off, and I would understand if you wanted to take things easy..." He fiddled with my jacket as he talked, shy and awkward.  
"I appreciate that," I said and ran a hand across his cheek. "But I've been away from you for far too long, I don't want to spend another night without you." At this James broke out into a relieved smile.  
"Yeah?"  
"Yes," I reassured him. "But I didn't pack anything."  
"We can tell the driver to stop by your apartment on the way? If you want to pick up some things?" I just nodded my agreement and was given another kiss. Taking my hand James led me over to the big, black Mercedes and opened the door for me. I decided not to comment about it but silently hoped the driver was getting triple overtime as well, having had to wait for us this long. James gave the driver my address and some quick instructions and we set off. After having made a quick stop so I could pack some things we continued to Hammersmith. My hand found his in the darkness of the backseat, our fingers intertwining. The drive passed mostly in silence, we let our hands do the talking.

Fusker shot past us and disappeared inside as soon as James unlocked his front door. Being here again felt strange. I had so many memories from this house, happy memories, intimate ones, funny ones. But they were all overshadowed by the memory of the last time I had been here, it brought back James' cowardice and my own shock and despair. With an effort I tried to shake it, trying to keep in mind all the things James had said to me since then, what he had done to try and make it up to me. Done is done and the past couldn't be changed, what mattered was now.  
"Go sit down in the living room." James said when we'd taken off our jackets and shoes. "Want anything? Cup of tea? Glass of wine? Beer?" I looked at him pointedly and he got the message. "Beer it is, then."  
I sank down on James' comfortable sofa. Fusker leapt on to the sofa with an odd little meow and nudged my hand with his forehead, burrowing his head into it and purring loudly.  
"Hello, mate," I crooned and scratched him behind the ears. "Did you miss me? Because I missed you, you little psycho."  
"He did miss you," James said, appearing from the kitchen with two bottles of beer. "He's been incredibly clingy lately, nagging me to pet him all the time. Because you pet him all the time." He proffered a bottle to me and sat down next to me.  
"What can I say, I'm generous with my cuddles," I smiled and inched up closer to him, draping my legs across his lap.  
"I'm not complaining, "James assured and let a hand rest on my knee. I had a swig of my beer and rested my head back against the sofa.  
"God, I'm still full," I sighed. After a long silence I noticed James looking fixedly at me. "What?" I urged.  
"Nothing, I'm just... glad you're here. I thought you'd never come here again. This house just hasn't been the same since... It's been too quiet. Cold and empty. I hated it, I even thought about moving."  
"I love this house," I said and looked around the living room lovingly. "I've missed it. Mostly because I've missed you, and the time we spent together in it." He gave my knee a little squeeze.  
"Me too," he said quietly. He seemed to fall into thought for a moment. "Emily, please tell me you're not going back to Norway?" He looked at me pleadingly. Suddenly I remembered that I was out of a job, and soon would be out of a place to live as well. I frowned, thinking.  
"Well, today was my last day at work. And in a week my contract at the flat is up. The plan was to go back, crash at my dad's for a while until I got a job and a place to live, but now.." Looking over at James I saw how sadness and fear crept back into his face, and I hastily added: "No. I don't want to go back to Norway. The only reason I wanted to leave was because everything in this bloody city reminded me of you, and that was just too painful."  
"... and now?" He asked timidly.  
"Now... I am having major regrets about quitting my job and giving up my flat!" I said with a little smile, nudging him with my foot.  
"Oh god, I've... really caused a lot of trouble for you, haven't I? I'm sorry." James rubbed his face in frustration and looked at me apologetically.  
"No, this particular trouble I caused all by myself," I said calmly. He was carrying enough guilt already, he didn't need to take on the blame for a decision I had made on my own as well. "If I had just... not been so quick to drop everything and run away... I should've hung in there for a little longer."  
"I'm sure you can get another job, though? Or maybe get the old one back? They thought you did a good job, didn't they say that?"  
"Yeah, they did. A job isn't the biggest problem right now, I'm pretty sure I can get work somewhere. The biggest problem is that I won't have a roof over my head in a week," I sighed.  
"Come and stay here?" James said simply. My eyes shot upward and I gaped at him. "I mean it. If the last six weeks has made me sure of anything it's that I want to be with you. I love spending time with you. It doesn't have to be permanent, just until you find a new flat. But if you decided you liked living with me and wanted to stay, that would be... good too." I kept gaping, still stunned by James' suggestion.  
"Are you asking me to move in with you?" I managed, knowing it was a stupid question, it had been pretty clear what he was asking me.  
"I know moving in together is a serious decision. It's a big commitment, and had it been six months ago the prospect of moving in with someone would've scared me senseless and I never would have suggested it. But it doesn't frighten me now, not having you in my life is a far more frightening thought. And as I said, it doesn't have to be permanent." I pretended to give it some more thought, but realised I had already decided.  
"Okay," I said simply. It was James' turn to be lost for words, clearly uncertain of what I had meant. "If you really mean it, then yes, I would love to stay here. At least for a wh--" The end of my sentence was cut short by James throwing his arms around me, nearly causing me to spill my beer. He hugged me tightly for a long time and then gave me a kiss. When we let go we looked at each other for a long time, neither of us knowing quite what to say. Needing to break the tension I said: "Did we just decide to move in together?"  
"I think we did," James smiled. "At least for a while." I wrapped my arm around him, pulling him closer, and he rested his head on my shoulder.  
"Speaking of being scared..." I began and ran my fingers through his hair. "I was scared too. Being with you, I... lost control. Over myself, my feelings, I couldn't hold back even if I wanted to. And I was scared about the same thing you were; that you didn't have the same feelings as I did. I wanted to tell you so badly, but... I thought it might chase you away if I told what I felt, that you'd think I was smothering you, that it would just be... too much. I wish had told you, because then maybe you wouldn't have... " My voice trailed off, unable to bring myself to say that he'd left me.  
"Tell me now?" He asked quietly.  
"Hmm, okay," I mumbled shyly into his hair and caressed the back of his neck while I thought. "I wanted to tell you how absolutely crazy I was about you. And that you were everything I had ever hoped for and wanted in my life. That I had never met someone who was so... easy to be with, and have fun with, because with you I didn't have to think. It just came naturally to me, being with you, like we'd been together... before, in a previous life or something, even if I don't even believe in that concept. Ever since I lost my mum, I've longed for... a home, because I lost my home when I lost her. I wanted to find a place where I could feel safe, and cared for. Somewhere I belonged, where I was loved and supported. Someplace I could laugh, and love, and rest. And finding you... felt like coming home." There was a long silence, it lasted so long I began to wonder if I had scared him with my honesty after all.  
"First of all; I'll remember what you just said for the rest of my life. I love that idea, that I was.. home. I want to make you feel all those things again." James lifted his head off my shoulder to look at me, and for a moment all the grief and regret was back in his eyes.  
"You do," I said reassuringly and ran a hand down his cheek. "You will. You already are." James sat up again and gave me a long, passionate kiss that almost took my breath away.  
"Thank you," he whispered against my lips, then rested back against the sofa. "Listen, I have one more thing I thought I'd...," he began, but paused and started over. "How about this; I go upstairs, you wait here for about ten minutes and when you come upstairs I'll give you a full body massage? If you want one, that is," he added, looking a little awkward.  
"I would love one," I smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear.  
"Okay. Wait here, ten minutes, then come upstairs," he said, pulling me closer as he talked, then gave me a quick kiss and disappeared upstairs. I checked the time on my phone, and made the ten minutes pass by scratching Fusker's ears and draining the remains of my beer. I felt restless and nervous, but the good and excited kind, the impatient kind.

I nearly ran upstairs when the ten minutes were up, curious as to why he had needed time to prepare anything. His bedroom door was closed and assuming that was where he was I knocked gently. James opened the door and let me in. The room was dimly lit by a lamp on one of the nightstands, and bundles of candles here and there - on the nightstand, on the dresser and in the wide windowsill. The scent of jasmine permeated the room. It was coming from some incense sticks I had brought into the house months ago and which James had reluctantly admitted to liking. And he knew I liked it, that it made me relax. Music was coming from a little stereo, he'd connected it to my iPod and Sigur Rós was currently playing. He knew that relaxed me as well.  
"Aw," I said as I turned to James. "This is very nice." He came a few steps closer.   
"Massage works better without clothes on," he said matter of factly and calmly started to unbutton my jeans. While he did I ran fingers through his hair and tucked a strand behind his ear again, unable to stop myself from staring at him. I loved when he was quietly determined like now. He pulled down my jeans and I stepped out of them. Straightening up he pulled my shirt over my head, tossed it to the side and gave me a long, lingering kiss. Then he pointed to the bed, where a towel was waiting for me.  
"Assume the position," he said, but was unable to maintain his stern face and ended the sentence with a childish giggle. Also laughing I sank down on my stomach on the bed, hugging a pillow. I felt the bed give way as James sat down on it by my feet.  
"Sorry if my hands are cold," he muttered as he gently ran his hands over my lower leg, applying something that felt oily.  
"They're not," I mumbled lazily into the pillow, smiling to myself. Vaguely I wondered what he was using, until the familiar smell hit me and I remembered that this was also a thing I had brought into the house; massage oil. I'd used it on James once when his neck was giving him trouble, then it had been shoved in a bathroom closet and forgotten about. Slowly he ran his palms over my skin, starting with my lower leg and working his way upwards to my thigh. Gradually he increased pressure, going from stroking to rubbing. He was good at it, systematic and meticulous as I would have guessed, but taking his time. Finishing one leg he moved to the other and gave it the same attention.  
"Are you asleep?" He asked when he had finished the other leg.  
"Mno, I'm in heaven," I sighed happily.  
"Will your legs be okay if I do this?" James asked as he straddled my thighs.  
"No, it's fine." He applied massage oil to my lower back and once again he began gently, just letting his palms slide across my skin, helped along by the oil. Gradually he worked his hands harder into my back, or used his thumbs on certain points. "Oh god, this feels so... good," I groaned. "I'm the happiest, most comfortable woman on earth."  
"Stop it, you sounded like Clarkson just now. It's very off-putting, " James commented and I giggled into my pillow. "Especially since I was just about to do this," he added as he pulled down my knickers. Adding more oil to his hands he slid his palms over my buttocks. He ran his hands from my bum out to my hips, up my sides and down my lower back in slow circles.  
"That's good too," I hummed again. I tried keeping in mind that this was meant to be a relaxing massage and not something sexual. But I couldn't ignore what James' warm, strong hands kneading my bum was doing to me. Eventually he pulled my knickers back up and inched further up, straddling my bum instead. I felt how he undid the strap of my bra and moved it out of the way. Adding more oil he began massaging the rest of my back, my shoulders and my neck. The massage was making me aware of just how tense and strained I had been lately, and all my worries and sadness had stored themselves in my neck and shoulders. Occasionally I moaned when James hit a tender spot.  
"It doesn't hurt, does it?" He asked gently.  
"Mno.... Well yes, kind of, but in a good way." As James kept rubbing and kneading my back, I felt how my muscles loosened and relaxed, and a weight I didn't even know I had been carrying was lifted off my back.  
"Still awake?" James' hands, then his weight disappeared.  
"Mmm..." I mumbled serenely.  
"Flip over then," he commanded and smacked my bum playfully, making me squawk in surprise. I did what he asked however and turned over to my back. I had forgotten that James had undone my bra, and as it was already halfway off I tossed it on the floor. James was sitting on his knees at the foot of the bed, staring at me.  
"Hey," I said and nudged him in the stomach with my foot to bring him out of his reverie. "You've seen those before?"  
"Yeah, it's just been... a long time since I saw them last," he smirked, even blushing a little. He cleared his throat, looking like he was pulling himself together, took my foot in his lap and poured some more massage oil on his hands. "I know you're ticklish, but just.. try to relax. And keep in mind where your foot is, please don't kick me in the plums. I know you've wanted to lately."  
"Okay." I drew a deep breath and tried to relax my foot. Amazingly it didn't tickle at all, I was relaxed and James touch was firm enough not to tickle. I couldn't stop gazing at him, and he felt my eyes on him and looked up.  
"You all right?" He asked.   
"More than all right," I smiled back. "You are very good at that."  
"Yeah? I haven't really... done this sort of thing much," he admitted.  
"You're a natural, then." James smiled and swapped to my other foot. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, feeling more relaxed than I had in months. He worked his way up one leg and then the other, moving just as slowly and meticulously as he had before. "Aren't your hands cramping up from all this?" I asked.  
"There you go, thinking about everybody else again," he said with an exasperated smile. "Don't worry. I could spend days just touching you."  
"Aw, thank you," I sighed. "Imagine if Jezza or Hammond saw you now?" I added with a little chuckle. "The candles, incense, massage oil... You'd been emasculated for the rest of your life!"  
"Pff, like I would care?" He said, raising an eyebrow. "I have a nearly naked, absolutely gorgeous woman all covered in oil lying in my bed! You're not the only one enjoying this, believe me!" He said with feeling, and I laughed. Having finished the other leg he inched up on the bed and cautiously straddled me. "Still all right?" He asked, tentatively resting his weight on top of me. Wordlessly I nodded reassuringly and rested a hand on his knee. "I'm going to have the softest man-hands in all of London," he mused as he poured more massage oil into his hands and rubbed them together to warm it up a bit.  
"I love your soft man-hands," I smirked as he slid his palms over my stomach. I had always admired his hands, strong and masculine, but also so gentle. He was always good with his hands, no matter what he did with them. At first he concentrated on just my stomach, but eventually he slid his hands up between my breast, over my chest and down my sides to my stomach again. Every time his hands came close to my breasts I hoped he would slide his hands over them, but he didn't, just kept moving his hands around them in circles. He had kept his eyes on his hands, focusing on what he was doing, but now he looked into my eyes. At the same time I felt his palms slide over my breasts rather than between them, then slid back down my sides and over my stomach again. My chest heaved a little as his palm grazed over my nipples and I bit my lip, trying to focus on keeping eye contact. The hands came back up again and slid over my breasts once more, a little firmer this time. He repeated this a few times, my breath becoming more shallow with every pass. Then he brushed his palm over my erect nipples, his touch feather-light, and I huffed a little and closed my eyes. I felt his hands close around my breasts, cupping them. He began kneading them gently, his thumbs rubbing over my nipples and I hummed with delight. The pleasure was making me squirm a little under him, but just as I was about to let out a moan of pleasure his touch lightened. He ran his palms over my chest, my sides and my stomach one last time.  
"Okay, I'm done," he said with a finality in his voice. Surprised I felt his weight on me disappear and I opened my eyes to see him lie down next to me on the bed. He leaned on one elbow and looked at me.  
"What, no more massage?" I pouted.  
"I've massaged your whole body, haven't I?" He asked innocently, raising an eyebrow. I realised maybe he was just being dim on purpose, wanting me to take the lead and decide what was going to happen next. My breath was still ragged after his treatment of my breasts and all I knew was that I wanted him.  
"No, you missed a spot..." I said quietly, biting my lip innocently as I looked up at him. James' hand had been resting on my stomach, and I placed my hand over his and slid it slowly downwards until his palm was against my pussy. I used my own hand to press his palm against me, and I could feel how my knickers were already damp. His eyes had followed our hands, but now he looked into my eyes.  
"Oh yeah, sorry, forgot about that spot..." he said with a cheeky little smile, and I felt his palm rubbing against me without my encouragement. Removing my hand from his I cupped his cheek instead, pulling his face down to mine, desperate for a kiss. His palm kept rubbing slowly against my pussy as he kissed me, slowly and deeply. Impatiently I squirmed against his hand and he slipped it inside my knickers. I moaned into his mouth as his fingertip slid over my wet clit and I shivered with pleasure. My hand travelled from his neck down over his chest and stomach and to the front of his jeans. I pressed my palm against his erection and I rubbed my hand against the denim slowly, causing him to give a throaty hum. I trailed kisses over his cheek and jaw, feeling the hint of a stubble against my lips. Needing to feel his skin I began unbuttoning his shirt with shaky hands, still nuzzling his cheek and neck. When the last button was undone he sat up slightly and tore his short and t-shirt off with a little help from me. As soon as they were gone I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him down to me, relishing the feel of his skin against mine. He found my mouth again, his tongue grazed over my lower lip and I opened my mouth to him, sliding my tongue against his. I buried my hands in his hair as I kissed him passionately, pressing my chest against his even if there was no more space between us. James fumbled with his own belt and jeans, and I detangled my fingers from his hair to help him undo them, both giggling a little at our desperation. Finally both jeans and boxers were on the floor, and my knickers followed directly after. I sank backwards on the bed and pulled him on top of me. Feeling his familiar weight against me I sensed how desire rose in me, like my muscle memory remembered the feel of James' body against mine. I ran my fingertips down his back and over his bum and hips, desperate to feel as much of his skin as possible. Wanting him closer I hooked a leg over his hip and bum, pressing his body against mine and he huffed as his cock was pressed and slid against me. James slipped his hand underneath me and holding on to me firmly, he sat up. I wrapped my arms tightly around his shoulders as I felt myself being lifted off the mattress and he hoisted me into his lap, making me straddle him. I gave him a surprised look at the sudden change of position, and ran my hands over his shoulders and chest lovingly. He buried his fingers in my hair as he cupped my head in his hand and kissed me deeply. His other arm was wrapped tightly around my waist, pressing my body against his own and for a while we lost ourselves in the embrace, unable to move. Lazily he trailed kisses over my face and down my neck and collarbone, causing me to erupt in goose bumps. He took hold of my hips, lifting me up slightly to guide himself inside me. I clung onto him and buried my face against his neck, moaning against his skin as I felt him enter me. Soft, tender lips kissed my skin.  
"God, I've missed you," he sighed against my shoulder.  
"I've missed you too," I breathed back and continued to caress him with my mouth, every kiss was meant to reassure him that I had forgiven him, that I loved him and that I was his. James tilted his head, exposing his neck to my mouth. I brushed his hair away, then kissed and licked the skin right below his ear, continuing downwards to shoulder. In return he kissed me wherever he could reach. With James still cradling me in his arms I began rocking my hips, he breathed heavily and moaned in my ear. As I tried to increase the speed of my movements I felt how James' arms slid against my skin, the massage oil had gotten onto his skin as well now, making it hard to hold on.  
"Emily, you're too.. slippery," he said with a little chuckle.  
"And whose fault is that?" I retorted and nibbled his bottom lip teasingly.  
"I sort of like it, though," he confessed with a whisper. Cradling me as tightly as he could James laid me gently down on the bed and we both sighed when our bodies made contact again as he came to rest on top of me.  
"I love you," he breathed.  
"And I love you," I smiled, cupping his face in my hands. James seemed to so preoccupied with looking into my eyes he forgot about everything else, and I wrapped a leg around him and raised my hips up against him to remind him what we had been doing. He huffed in surprise and guided himself inside me again, then started moving his hips slowly and rhythmically. He buried his face against my neck, kissing me slowly. Nothing existed except what we could feel in the moment; our kisses and touches, our love and our lust for each other. Whatever had happened between us was swept from our minds, it didn't matter. All that mattered was now, and James. Everything blurred together, the sensation of our lips, our arms, our bodies. I closed my eyes as well and lost myself in the pleasure, and in between moans and huffs of delight I kissed and nibbled at his neck and his shoulder. I hadn't as much as thought a sexy thought in over a month, everything having to do with sex had just involved painful memories. Having been without sex for that long my body felt hypersensitive, like my senses were heightened and everything felt more intense. My frenzy was increased by James' thrusts, his kisses and nibbles against my neck and his grunts and moans. I raised my hips up against him, searching for more contact and friction, digging my fingertips into his shoulder-blades. A little surprised I felt like I was close already, and I stopped meeting his thrusts in an effort to slow down and make this last longer. But James wouldn't let me, he slipped an arm under me and took a firm hold of my bum, making me keep the pace. From his sharp breaths and frantic movements I knew he was as close as me. "Oh, god...!" Was all I managed to gasp before the orgasm slammed through me, far quicker than I was prepared for. I desperately kissed James for as long as I could, until I couldn't anymore. I kept riding out my climax against him with frantic thrusts and the pleasure just wouldn't let up, I had to bury my face against his neck not to scream. James came with a huge gasp and a long, strained moan, seizing up and clutching handfuls of bed-sheets. We needed an unusually long time to regain our senses, our breaths and our ability to use words. Finally he found the strength to raise himself up on wobbly arms and look down at me. "Jesus," I muttered incredulously. He nodded his consent and smiled, his eyes glittering and his hair was a mess. "God, you're gorgeous when you've just gotten laid," I sighed, and he chuckled loudly.  
"Thank you. I think..." He gave my nose a little kiss. Then he laid down beside me and pulled me close, cradling me in his arms, and I pulled a duvet over both of us.  
"That didn't last anywhere near as long as I wanted it to," I sulked.  
"I know," he said and kissed my hair. "But we have all the time in the world to shag each other senseless," he added and I laughed a little and nuzzled into his skin. It had been a long day and so much had happened. My last day at work had been sad, and James' surprises at the Aquarium and him asking me to stay with him had been emotional and overwhelming, but for very different reasons. His massage had relaxed me, along with the sex, and I felt my eyes drooping as I lay resting against James. With an effort I snapped my eyes open and drew a deep breath.  
"Lovely and romantic as they are, I am going to get out of this bed and blow these candles out before we fall asleep and burn down the house. Then we'll both be homeless," I mumbled. James eyes never left me as I crawled naked out of bed and walked around it to pick up James' discarded shirt to slip it on. Having blown out the candles I went downstairs for something to drink and brought a bottle of water with me upstairs. I handed it to him and caused him to nearly choke on water when I unceremoniously slipped his shirt off me right in front of him while he was about to have a drink. Satisfied I giggled smugly and got back into bed while James muttered, wiping water off his chin. He made another attempt at having a drink, then sank back down on the bed and pulled me close again.  
"You've lost weight..." I pointed out concernedly and prodded his tummy gently.  
"Have I?" He said incredulously. "Mum said the same thing, but I reckoned it was just her fussing."  
"No, she was right," I said, propping myself up on one elbow to look at him. It was visible on him that he'd gotten thinner, his face less round, his chin and tummy had shrunk away a little. And I could feel the difference when I held him close.  
"Well, I... haven't been in a very good place lately," he admitted hesitantly. "Things like eating has sort of slipped my mind." When I looked into his eyes I saw the hurt and regret creep back into them, making them cold and empty again. "It's a cliché, but... I was just wasting away without you."  
"Tomorrow morning I'm making you a huge and awfully greasy breakfast," I smirked and kissed his cheek lovingly.  
"Sounds great." The smile he gave me chased the sadness out of his eyes again. With a contented sigh I rested my head on his shoulder and wrapped an arm and a leg over him. His arm was draped around my back and he caressed me slowly. I fell asleep like that and slept heavily through the night, not moving from him.


	25. Chapter 25

I woke up pretty much in the same position I had fallen asleep. For a while I did nothing, just let the heavy sensation of sleep slowly recede from my mind and my body while I silently looked at James. He was sleeping heavily, mouth slightly open as usual, hair a little on end. While I watched him I couldn't help but smile to myself, feeling happy. Usually mornings and happiness didn't go together in my world, but now it was washing over me, filling all of me with fuzzy warmth and love. Nothing was on my mind except James and how he made me feel, and I wanted to stay there in that sleepy little moment of perfection, forever. Eventually I gently pried myself away from him, resisting the urge to kiss him. He stirred a little, but didn't wake and I tucked the duvet carefully around him to make up for the loss of my warmth. Quietly I padded into the bathroom and took a quick shower, feeling a little greasy from all the massage oil. Having showered and put on some comfy clothes I went downstairs and started on the breakfast I had promised him, still grinning to myself without even being aware of it.

When I returned to the bedroom half an hour later James was still dead to the world, now lying on his side. I suspected he might have a lot of sleep to catch up on. I laid down next to him and cupped his face, gently kissing him awake. He sighed heavily and made a face initially, but then he hummed a little and returned the kiss.  
"James... Hate to wake you up, but it's almost 11," I whispered to him. He raised his eyebrows in surprise.  
"Really?" He opened his eyes and squinted at the sunlight, his eyes crinkling and I giggled at his sleepy face.  
"I made breakfast. Want breakfast in bed or do you want to come downstairs?" He sighed happily and gave me a lazy, warm kiss.  
"I'll come downstairs, just give me.. a minute." He shut his eyes again. I crawled out of bed and waited. After a while I tugged the duvet off him without warning and he squawked loudly in protest at the sudden cold.  
"You utter pirate!" He complained.  
"Sweetie, you were falling asleep again!" I argued and tossed his boxers at him. "Come on, breakfast is getting cold."  
"...militant nurse. Why did I have to pick a militant nurse..." I heard him grumble to himself as I left the room and I chuckled a little at the reference. A few minutes later he joined me downstairs, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, bleary-eyed and with a little stubble. I had made bacon and eggs, French Toast and tea. Heavy, sleepy arms wrapped around my from behind as I was arranging food on a plate and he kissed the side of my neck and hugged me.  
"You amazing woman," he mumbled against my neck.  
"I thought I was a horrible, militant nurse? AND a pirate?" I smirked.  
"Sometimes. That doesn't make you less amazing, though. The militant nurse is a bit of a turn on, really..." he admitted, trailing lazy kisses over my neck.  
"I'll remember that," I chuckled. His kisses sent warm waves through my body, but I tore myself out of it and cleared my throat, knowing full well what I was turning down. "Go sit down, breakfast is ready". James did as I said, albeit a little unwillingly. For a while we ate in silence without even the usual radio banter as soundtrack. James was mostly focused on his food so I turned my attention to the Sunday Telegraph, but I wasn't really interested. "Have any plans today?" I asked as I folded the paper away.  
"I was thinking maybe we could go over to your place, pick up your things?" He said absentmindedly, still focused on the food.  
"So you still want me to stay with you?" I heard myself say, not really knowing why. At this James' eyes snapped up to me and he frowned.  
"Of course I do. What, did you think I said that just to get into your knickers?" He said, only half-joking.  
"I don't know, I... We had a bit to drink, and..." My voice trailed off, why was I saying these things? He put his fork down and nailed me to my chair with his eyes.  
"I still meant what I said," he said simply.  
"But are you sure about it, though? I mean, it's a big thing... You've lived here for years and I'd feel weird just... barging in here to live here. I'd be here all the time and you'd never get away from me."  
"You're the one who sounds unsure about this, Emily," James said a little defensively. I sighed and rubbed my face, trying to figure out what it was I really wanted to say.  
"I'm not. I just... need to know that you're not asking me to move in here just because you feel like you have to make up for things, or that it's your fault I'm soon out of a flat. Or that you feel like you need to prove something to me, prove how you feel. It's a huge step and I wouldn't blame you or think you didn't want me if you wanted to wait a bit..." My voice trailed off again, I was just rambling now and I knew it. He got up, and for a mad second I thought he was going to walk out of the kitchen in anger. Instead he rounded the table and tugged me out of my chair, wrapped me up in his arms and hugged me tight.  
"I'm not going to lie to you, I do feel like I have to make up for things, Emily, a lot of things. I was such an arse. But that isn't why I asked you to live here. I may have lived here for many years, but you... You changed this house. It doesn't feel like home anymore when you're not here. That is why I want you to live here. Plus, you make fantastic breakfasts. That's another reason." He added flippantly. In the silence that followed I was unable to say anything, I was desperately trying not to cry, I had done far enough of that lately. I just clung on to James, my face buried against his chest. "But do you want to live with me?" He asked mildly, pulling away slightly to could look at me. I saw the insecurity in his eyes, the fear of being rejected, the knowledge that if I did reject him there was no one he could blame but himself. Looking into his eyes I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.  
"Yes." It was all I was able to say before I had to bury my face against his chest again, a little shameful for crying.  
"Please tell me those are happy tears?" He said, leaning his chin on the top of my head, and I could hear the amused exasperation in his voice.  
"Yes," I sniffed, still hiding from him. "I just had to make sure you're not going to regret it in a month or two and feel trapped and resent me for living here." Quickly I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my hand before looking up at him. "I'd love to live here with you. Now that you've come back, I don't want to let you go ever again." He smiled, all though a little sadly and gave me a long, lingering kiss.  
"Finish your breakfast. I'll go have a quick shower, then we'll go get your things," he said mildly.  
"Okay," I smiled at him and kissed him again.

 

We headed over to my apartment in James' Fiat an hour later. I began packing the few things I still had left, mostly clothes and bed linen and things in the bathroom. James helped by packing all my kitchen things into cardboard boxes. My plan had been to give everything to Oxfam before I left, and I realized I could keep to that plan as James had a kitchen full of stuff already. We emptied the fridge, taking some things but throwing most of it out. I had made a deal with my landlord to just leave the furniture behind, seeing as I wouldn't have been able to take it back to Norway anyway. Moving to James' meant I wouldn't have any use for them either. The landlord had even said he'd pay me a bit for them, having a furnished apartment to let out was always easier. With James' help I was finished packing in a few hours. We stuffed three cardboard boxes, a bin bag full of clothes and a huge suitcase into the tiny Panda, and went back upstairs to take one last look over the place.  
"Won't you need to like... clean this place?" James pointed out as I went through the cupboards one last time, making sure they were empty.  
"I decided to hire a cleaning company to do it, it wasn't as expensive as I thought. I've moved too many times in my life and cleaned too many places top to bottom."  
"I approve of this decision," James nodded. Just as we got into the Fiat ready to go home James' phone rang. I could hear Richard's voice coming through on the other end. He suggested that he and Jeremy could come over tonight for some food and beer, seeing as they'd all be in London tonight due to having a Top Gear shoot in the morning.  
"Um..." James looked over at me questioningly and I nodded my head eagerly. Of course they should come over, I hadn't seen Jeremy since that Christmas party and spending a night with all three of them would be fun. "Yeah sure, come on over."  
"Good!" Richard sounded excited as always. "Is Emily going to be there?"  
"Yeah, she is," James confirmed.  
"Even better! She eats Chinese food, yeah?"  
"Yes she does, just not anything too spicy, she's a weakling," he chortled. They agreed on showing up around seven, and hung up.

Back at James' house he asked me to make tea. Meanwhile he busied himself by carrying boxes and things from the Panda and into the house. Fusker meandered a bit between the car and the doorway, wondering what on earth his human was up to. I was quite happy to fall into traditional gender roles for a bit and let James do the heavy lifting, it wasn't that many boxes and things anyway. Eventually I heard the car door slam shut, then the front door and how James' kicked off his shoes. He joined me on the sofa and had a sip of his tea.  
"I put the kitchen things in my garage, and the rest of it upstairs. I need to clear out some space in my closets for you later," he said matter of factly. "What?" He said when I chuckled a little.  
"Nothing.. I realized I have to call my family and explain a few things. Tell them that I'm not moving home after all, for example," I mused, trying to get my head around the idea. «I haven't even thought about that until now.»  
«I guess this all happened a little fast...» James said, looking a little insecure.  
«Yeah, that's putting it mildly,» I smiled. «But considering the alternatives.. . I mean, I wasn't going to move back to Norway was I, not now. And staying in the apartment wasn't an option, it was already rented out to someone else. And I wouldn't have been able to find a new place to live in such a short time anyway...»  
«So you moved in here because it was convenient?» James asked with a mischievous smirk.  
«No, you big woman,» I huffed, unable to hide an exasperated smile. «I moved in here because I can't imagine myself being anywhere else than here, with you.» At this James smiled widely. «I'm amazed at how... readily you just took me in, though,» I admitted.  
«Well, like you said, now that I've got you back, I'm never letting you go,» he said. «I do have you back, don't I?» The insecurity and guilt crept back into his eyes and in a desperate attempt to get rid of it I answered him by pulling him in for a long, reassuring kiss. My emotions were in absolute uproar, and I was having a hard time ignoring it. This was what I had wanted all along, for James to return and take back everything he said, I had desperately hoped for everything to go back to the way they were. I knew James was still burdened with guilt and shame, I could see it in his eyes every now and then. And part of me needed to see it, needed to know that he felt bad for what had happened. Another part of me didn't want him to be sad, I couldn't bear the thought of it. He was doing everything he could to make things better; he'd apologized, he'd cried and begged, he'd told me of his fears and how much he loved me, and now he'd even asked me to move in with him. The fact that he had would make it harder for him to disappear again, which was a reassuring thought. But I couldn't quite shake the suspicion that this was too fast, that he'd regret it someday. The last six weeks my life had done complete u-turns several times, I had gone from happy and in love to a total wreck. Mentally I had been trying to prepare to leave London and James behind and to forget as much as I could about it. I had thought my life was going to be in Norway from now on, where I would live and work. And now - it had completely changed again. I had decided to stay, leaving James wasn't an option. I was living with him now, and needed to find a job again. I liked the prospect of a life in London, with James, a lot better than the life I could have had in Norway, but it was still a big change. Unable to make any sense of my thoughts and having so many contradicting thoughts in my head was chaotic, draining. But as I felt James' lips against mine the chaos quieted down and faded away until all that was left was my love for him. This was safe, this was familiar and comforting, which was what I needed. Slow, considered kisses turned playful and teasing, James nibbled my bottom lip and I expected a kiss but he hovered over my mouth, just out of reach with a playful smirk on his lips. He was up to something, I could see it in his eyes and it filled me with expectancy and excitement, not knowing what was going to happen next. I sat frozen, my eyes flitting between his eyes and his lips, waiting, breathing. Every now and then I tried to nip after his lip, growing impatient, but he pulled away. The anticipation building between us brought everything into sharp focus; his warm breath against my skin, the crinkles around his eyes, that dazzling shade of blue, his chest against mine, rising and falling in time with his breaths. It was almost like I could hear and feel his heartbeats through the silence. I realized I was holding my breath, and not being able to hold it anymore I drew a deep breath. James chose that moment to close the gap and kiss me sensually, almost taking my breath away. His mouth traveled from my mouth to my neck, not even kissing, he just brushed his lips over my skin, licking it every now and again. The sensation sent hot and cold shivers down my body and I lifted my head, exposing my neck to him, wanting more. As his mouth continued to travel towards my shoulder he sank down to his knees on the floor, parting my legs so he could stand between them. When his mouth reached the fabric of my shirt he stopped kissing and just nuzzled his face against my chest, I could feel his warm breath between my breasts through the shirt. He gently pushed me back on the sofa, making me lean back and relax. I immediately missed having my mouth on him, any part of him, but I let him continue, satisfied to just run my hands over his neck and his hair. Face still buried against my chest he pulled up my shirt to reveal my tummy and he hummed as his mouth made contact with my skin again. Trailing kisses lazily down my stomach his hands rubbed my sides and hips firmly. The skin became more and more sensitive as he continued towards and over my bellybutton, every breath, every lick and every kiss becoming more and more pleasurable. I still felt filled with anticipation, but for what I didn't know, right now I was happy to just be showered with kisses and touches, happy to just feel warmth, softness and love, and nothing else. But as he kissed lower on my body, and his hands moved from my hips to thighs, I felt a different kind of expectation flare up in me. He focused his kisses right above the lining of my jeans as he undid them. Having opened them he straightened up to be able to remove them, giving me a secretive, lustful look as he pulled my jeans and panties off in one go. Throwing them casually to the side he draped my legs over his shoulders and his arms wrapped around my thighs, his palms slowly rubbing over my hips. I hadn't expected to suddenly find myself naked from the waist down. Sitting like this with legs over his shoulders made me feel very exposed, but it wasn't entirely uncomfortable. I couldn't stop watching him as he began kissing the insides of my legs, beginning at the skin closest to his face. My breaths became ragged and shallow as I watched his mouth travel sensually over the skin of my inner thighs, first one and then the other. His palms trailed lazily over my body while he kissed, warm and soft caresses. When his mouth reached the top of my thigh he took a firm hold of me and pulled my hips towards him, pulling my bum towards the edge of the sofa. He sank down even lower in front of me, his mouth continuing the exploration of my body by kissing my hips, my lower tummy, my pubic bone, inching painfully slowly towards the heat between my legs. I watched him lovingly, running my hand over his hair. He fixed me with his gaze as he lowered his head a little, trailing his lips across my skin. I gave a quiet moan when his mouth finally made contact with my pussy, his warm breath and soft lips felt amazing. With his eyes closed he kissed me between my legs as lovingly as he would have kissed my mouth and I was unable to tear my eyes away from him. Tender and slow kisses grew a little firmer and deeper and he began nipping at me playfully, exploring me, learning me and what made me wince and moan. The way he changed between kisses, nips and sucking on me heightened my senses, I was on edge because I didn't know what to expect and I entangled my fingers into his hair. Forcefully he bent my legs back, spreading my legs even more for him. I squirmed and moaned loudly as I finally felt his warm, wet tongue flick over my clit. When the tongue returned it moved in lazy circles around my clit, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the sofa, losing myself in the growing pleasure.  
«God, that feels... so.. amazing...!» I huffed, squirming some more. His hands redoubled his grip on the back of my thighs, pinning me down by keeping my legs bent back, making me unable to move. His tongue moved faster over my clit and with more force. No one had ever been given me such attention with their mouth before. My moans and groans became louder and more frequent and this spurred James on to use his tongue even faster on me. Needing to hold on to something I fumbled for James' hands and he laced his fingers with mine, not taking his mouth away from me. He stopped licking only to suck on my clit. «Oh shit...!» I gasped as the sensation intensified even more, I was burning inside and everything he did just increased my pleasure. When he went back to using his tongue, lapping at my clit I felt the sensation heighten a little more. «Oh go—don't stop, keeping going..!» I begged, grinding as much as I could against his mouth, desperate for that extra pressure or touch that would send me over the edge. He hummed with satisfaction at my frantic begging and his tongue pressed a little harder against me. My legs began trembling uncontrollably as I the orgasm drew ever nearer, losing control over my body. I was unable to warn James I was coming, having lost the use of words completely, but he knew anyway by the way my hands squeezed his and the sounds I was making. He did his best to hold me still and keep up what he was doing to prolong my orgasm while I was bucking and shaking against him. I saw stars and wondered if I was going to pass out from pure pleasure, but then the orgasm receded and I was left a trembling wreck heaving for air. As the remnants of my orgasm washed through me James let go of my hands and let me lower my legs again. He nuzzled and kissed his way up my stomach until he reached my pulled-up shirt. Then he looked up at me, his hair a little messy and his face wet in places, but smiling widely. Still breathing heavily I ran my fingers through his hair and laughed a little.  
«Aw baby, I've made such a mess..!» I exclaimed apologetically and tried to wipe his cheek with my hand.  
«It's all right, you didn't exactly force me to do that...» he chuckled.  
«But I am very grateful that you did!» I said and leaned in to kiss him passionately. The scent of me was still heavy on his face. «I think we both might need a little clean up... Shower?» James hummed and nodded, not being difficult to persuade. 

He trailed after me upstairs and into the bathroom. Once there I turned on the shower then quickly tore off the remainder of my clothes and then undressed James, smiling a little as I noticed his erection. «What's that all about, I have barely touched you,» I said teasingly. He took my hand and pulled me into the shower, holding me so close his cock pressed up against me.  
«You don't have to! You think that downstairs wasn't a turn on for me as well?» He raised an inquisitive eyebrow at me.  
«Oh yeah? What about it turned you on?» I nibbled at his bottom lip and pressed my hips against him a little as I asked and he hummed throatily. Forcefully I pushed him back up against the tiled wall, pinning him against it with my body and my hands on the wall either side of him. Warm water trickled over both of us as I kissed along his jawline and neck, waiting for an answer.  
«Hmm.» I understood why he needed a moment to think. Putting into words what turns you on in a given moment isn't easy because it isn't something you consciously think about, it just happens, an instinctive response to something you experience. If he had asked me the same, I would've had to think about it as well.  
«The feel of your skin against my lips. And my hands...» He said thoughtfully.  
«Mhm?" I mumbled, encouraging him to go on.  
«Your taste... Your smell... How wet I can make you...» He continued. My palms slid easily across his wet skin as I ran my hands over his chest, down his sides and over his hips. I felt his cock pressed up against my hip, warm and throbbing, twitching in reaction to my lips and nibbles on his skin.  
«Anything else...?» I urged.  
«Making you come. Loudly...» he breathed and then swallowed hard, talking was a little difficult for him now but he didn't need my encouragement to keep talking anymore. «I love hearing you wince and moan, I love that I can do that to you. The louder, the better.»  
«Was I loud? I kind of lost track there for a minute.» I smiled up at him, a little embarrassed.  
«A little,» he whispered, looking proud of himself.  
«Wonder if I can make you be loud?» I mused, pulling back from him enough to slip a hand between us. Teasingly I hovered over his mouth just out of reach while I lightly I brushed my fingers over the tip of his cock and he twitched again. I kept hovering as I gently closed my hand around him, and my face was so close to his I could feel the heavy, ragged breath he gave as I slowly began pumping him. Still pumping him lazily I sank down on my knees, trailing my lips and my tongue along his skin all the way down. Looking up at him he already had his eyes closed and mouth a little open, enjoying the slow pleasure I was building in him with my hand. His long, greying hair was drenched and a strand was sticking to his forehead, his skin was glistening wet and his cheeks was flushed. I wanted to give him my full attention and make him feel just as loved and lusted after as he had made me feel. Wanted to give him the same amount of pleasure too, if that was possible. Having gotten to my knees I let go of his cock and placed my hands on his hips. My mouth never parted contact from his skin as it trailed down his lower stomach and groin before I began kissing my way up his shaft. As I flicked my tongue over his sensitive, exposed head I felt his hand squeeze my neck and I heard him draw a sharp intake of breath. Smiling a little to myself I took just the tip of his cock in my mouth and ran my tongue around it in circles.  
«God, Emily...» He moaned huskily. By the salty taste on my tongue I knew this wouldn't last long. Closing my mouth a little tighter around him I took him into my mouth, pressing my tongue against his shaft. Keeping my lips tightly closed around him to increase friction I began working on him and he groaned again and swore under his breath. I rubbed his hips as I worked on him with my mouth, then slid my palms down his thighs. While I gradually built up speed I trailed my fingertips lightly up and down along the backside of his thighs and knees. His huffs and moans became more frequent and unpredictable and I experimented with my mouth and my tongue, chasing more sounds from James. Looking quickly up at him I saw his mouth hanging open and his eyes tightly shut in pleasure. His hand took hold of the back of my head and he pushed himself into my mouth a little in search for more friction. In an effort to give it to him I closed a hand around the base of his cock and began moving it up in time to meet my mouth.  
«Fuck..!» He hissed through gritted teeth and I could feel how he tried to hold back and not push harder on the back of my head, his hips was bucking a little and I knew he was just chasing after his climax now. On an impulse I brought my free hand up to his testicles and cupped them, massaging them while I kept up the fast pace on his cock. I hadn't tried it before, but I just went with the moment, hoping it would just increase his pleasure.  
«I'm close..!» He groaned hurriedly, and a few seconds later his legs trembled and he spat out a high-pitched. «Emily, I'm co--» and that was all he managed before he erupted into a loud, strained groan. I kept up the movements with my hands on his cock and balls, milking him through his orgasm and his whole body shuddered. He came all over my hands, my shoulder and himself, but it washed away quickly with the water. While his eyes was still closed and he was busy relishing the last remnants of his orgasm I got to my feet and gave him a surprise kiss, hand still wrapped around his cock.  
«Hmm, you can be a little loud, too,» I smirked against his lips and he chuckled before taking my lips in a deep, grateful kiss.  
«You are too fucking good at that,» he said as he smiled at me. «But that last thing you did, why on earth haven't you done that before? That was just...!» He wasn't able to find a suitable word to finish his sentence.  
«Wasn't sure you'd like it...» I shrugged a little insecurely.  
«From the result you got out of it, what do you think?» He asked sarcastically and I laughed loudly and promised him to do it more. We spent another twenty minutes in the shower, slowly running hands full of shower-gel over each others bodies and washing each others hair, looking at each other. It was one of those intimate, silent moments that just stay with you forever, even if it was just a shower and you can't really describe what made it so special. Maybe it was because for the first time since he knocked on my door I didn't see any guilt or regret in his eyes that could remind me of what the hurt he had caused me, I just saw the warmth and admiration that told me how much he loved me.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Song featured in the last part of this chapter is Needtobreathe - A place only you can go)

«Who are you dressing up for, the hamster or the orangutan?» James eyed me from top to bottom as I entered the kitchen.  
«What, this? This isn't dressing up, this is just 'not looking like a couch potato', James,» I pointed out. All I had done was put on a pair of tight, dark jeans and a slightly nicer top than usual, put on a little makeup and tried to sort out my bird's nest hair for once. He crossed the kitchen floor and placed his hands on my sides, pulling me in.  
«You're beautiful,» he said in hushed tones and kissed me gently. I blushed furiously and averted my eyes shyly, horribly incompetent when it came to taking a compliment as always.  
«Thank you,» I stammered. «It's all for you, you know. I want to make them very jealous of you, if I can,» I said with a chuckle, mostly joking. I wasn't confident enough to dress up and prance around believing that anyone I'd attract the attentions of anyone.

A little after seven our visitors crashed through the front door bearing food and a crate of beer. Richard was his child-like, happy self, like a lumbering little jack russel terrier who couldn't quite contain his excitement for life. When he saw me he pounced on me and gave me a long hug, so long I raised my eyebrows at James over his shoulder.  
«Emily, so nice to see you again!» he exclaimed as he let go of me.  
«You too, dear,» I chuckled then turned to Jeremy, who put me more in mind of a feckless mastiff. «Clarkson, hello! How is the hand?» I inquired, and was surprised to receive a quick hug even from Jeremy.  
«It's fine, actually. Thanks to you I suspect.» He held up a huge palm where a few, bright pink scars were still visible. We settled around the dining table with our food and beers, the banter already flowing easily as we worked our way through mounds of Chinese food. They talked about the shoot they had in the morning, or cars in general, or congestion charge, sometimes it really was like looking at the news on Top Gear. I found myself staying in the background for most of the time and talking less than usual. It wasn't shyness or intimidation, I had spent time with all three of them before and had never felt particularly shy around them. But for some reason I felt a need to test the waters a little and sense the mood. I wasn't just the friend anymore, I was the girlfriend, and all of them knew. Didn't they? I also kept my distance from James, sitting next to him but not touching him or coddling him. This was actually the first time James and I was social with people who knew that we were a couple, and I didn't know how he felt about public affection but I suspected he didn't like it. He had kissed me in the middle of the street, but that was around total strangers and somehow felt different. This was his mates, and they were liable to take the piss if we were too lovey-dovey. 

When we finished our food we migrated to the living room, getting more comfortable in sofas and chairs. I offered to do a beer-run to the kitchen, and on my way back I turned on the stereo which had James' iPod connected to it before handing everyone beers. It still had a playlist on it which I had made when we had been on our road trip, it had a mix of happy and varied music and I just left it on shuffle. The boys didn't even notice, they were to busy arguing amicably. I sank down on the sofa next to James, but not anywhere as close as I would have liked. James and Richard got into a intense conversation about something mechanical, Richard was unable to fix his bike and James thought he knew what he was doing wrong. But Richard was his stubborn, angry self and wouldn't agree. Jeremy got bored with it and disappeared outside for a smoke.  
«Hey guys, why don't you two bugger off into the garage and sort this discussion out before we all die of drudgery?» I suggested. They looked at each other like two children who had been dismissed from the dinner table to go play.  
«You sure?» James said. I flapped my hands dismissively at him.  
«Yeah yeah, go on.»  
«Okay, won't be long,» he said and patted my leg jovially. They went into the kitchen for more beers and then disappeared out into the garage. Jeremy was surprised to see the living room nearly empty when he returned from his cigarette.  
«Oi, where did those two go?»  
«I sent them out into the garage to continue their riveting discussion on the particulars of a Moto Guzzi engine, before it killed me,» I mumbled and had a swig of my beer.  
«Oh thank god!» He exclaimed as he sank back down into the comfy armchair and picked up his beer again. A silence followed and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, feeling a little on edge. I always felt a little nervous around Jeremy, he was loud and brash and I never quite knew where I had him. Even more so now that we were suddenly on our own. With any of the other two around I felt he was more liable to keep a modicum of politeness. He broke the silence first and cleared his throat. «So, you and James...» he said slowly, obviously weighing his words. He shot me one of his sly, mysterious looks and said «I mean, how..?» I cut him off.  
«Oh here we go, Jeremy,» I groaned exasperatedly and rolled my eyes.  
«What?» Jeremy leaned back in his chair, gaping at me with his eyebrows raised in surprise.  
«You're dying to ask, aren't you? What am I doing with that old, floppy-haired spaniel? Am I blind? Do I have some sort of grandfather complex? Am I just out for his money?» Jeremy waved his hands to make me stop ranting.  
«No no no, that wasn't what I...» he began and I was surprised to see that he even looked a little hurt. «I wasn't going to say anything like that. I just... Wondered what is the deal with you two,» he finished, uncharacteristically mildly and even a little awkward.  
«But didn't James tell you guys...?»  
«We didn't have much time to talk back in Cardiff, we were busy filming all day and he left as soon as he could because he had plans. With you, I'm guessing?» He raised his eyebrows at me over the top of his beer.  
«So basically, what you're saying is you want the girly gossip?» I smirked at Jeremy and he squirmed a little uncomfortably in his chair.  
«Noooooooooo,» he droned, flinching. «I just want to know what the hell is going on!»  
«Okay,» I sighed, giving in. «James and I we... got together on New Year's Eve. You know, became a couple. I missed him a lot, and even told him that I did. So he did this daft, romantic thing and just showed up in Norway without me knowing about it, I thought he was with you guys at Hammond's. We... kept it to ourselves, we just wanted some time and not have it blow up in everyone's face in the tabloids.» Jeremy grunted his understanding of this.  
«All right, this explains many, many things!» Jeremy said with a smile, then turned serious again. «But then what happened? Something happened, right?»  
«James... got scared, I don't know any other way to put it. He talked about our age difference, how we never would've worked and he wanted to end it. I guess he thought it was inevitable that I was going to leave him some day anyway because of the age thing. I threw a massive, hysterical tantrum and stormed out on him.» As I spoke Jeremy's face fell and became even longer than it usually was, he leaned forward and rested his face in his hands.  
«Oh god, Emily...» He said and rubbed his face tiredly. «I... that might be all my fault.» He admitted guiltily.  
«What? How?» I frowned, taken aback by this sudden, heartfelt confession from him.  
«By being an arse,» he sighed. «James mentioned your name more and more often, writing texts to you or... He seemed happy and... I had to poke fun at him for it, for talking about you and spending so much time with you, I suspected he might have a thing for you. I said a girl like you would never go for a fat, old spaniel like him. And told him that if you did go for him it wouldn't be long before you realised what an old stiff he was and would move on to greener pastures... Stupid things like that.»  
«Oh come off it, Jeremy,» I scoffed. «James is a grown man, perfectly capable of making his own decisions. You've known each other for ages, and he's lived with you taking the mickey for just as long, he ought to be bloody used to it by now and be able to withstand your mockery.»  
«Yeah, but... I think I might've hit too close to home.» He looked at me apologetically. In stark contrast to the man I knew from telly and from the few times I had met him before I was amazed at how conscientious and mild-mannered this Jeremy was. He felt responsible for what had happened between James and me, and he felt guilty.  
«In any case, you had no way of knowing that we were already seeing each other,» I pointed out mildly. «If you had known about that, you probably wouldn't have cracked those particular jokes either?»  
«Um, no... Maybe I would have, god knows, I'm an idiot sometimes,» he said unhappily.  
«If you did have any sort of blame in this, Jeremy, it's just that you happened to point out something he was already worrying about. My guess is that what happened probably would have anyway, at some point, when his insecurities got the better of him.»  
«I'm sorry, anyway...» Jeremy muttered, and I couldn't help but wonder how such a tall man could look so small. A long silence fell in which Jeremy seemed to be lost in thought.  
«So...» he began, raising a finger at me. «Then what happened? How did he fix it?»  
«God, Jezza! I never would've thought you'd be such a ...you are such a girl, Jeremy!» I squealed and he gave me a yellow-toothed grin and a chuckle.  
«Give me the gossip, I love drama, come on, spill!» He gesticulated wildly.  
«What happened was Hammond came by, actually.»  
«What, to your place?» He leaned forward confidentially now, eyebrows raised in surprise, obviously interested.  
«Yeah, he was worried since James was being such a...»  
«Insufferable twat,» Jeremy proffered willingly.  
«Yeah. Richard didn't know anything about us either, he just thought I was James' friend and maybe I could help. I don't know why, but I told him what was going on. By then I had decided to leave London. I quit my job, gave up my flat, I was packing things into boxes...»  
«What, it got that bad?» he asked in hushed, almost horrified tones. Jeremy looked sympathetic and a little shocked, and I couldn't quite realize I was having this conversation with him.  
«I hadn't heard a single word out of James for over five weeks, apart from a few phone calls in the middle of the night which I never picked up. I thought we were really, really over, and I wanted to get as far away from him and everything that reminded me of him as possible. Long story short, Richard told James that I was leaving and... a few other things,» I coughed discreetly.  
«.. gave him a kick up the arse, you mean,» Jeremy grinned that sly smirk of his.  
«Pretty much,» I confirmed with a nod. «I didn't mean to put Richard in the middle, it just...»  
«Oh, knowing him he put himself in the middle, he loves those sort of things,» Jeremy flapped his hands about. We laughed a little, but then I turned serious.  
«Listen, Jeremy.. I'm sorry for jumping down your throat earlier,» I said with an apologetic shrug, feeling ashamed at having been rather rude to him. He was obviously capable of being quite sweet when I wanted to, and I had been unfair toward him.  
«Offense is the best defense,» he said knowingly.  
«No, it's just.. You're loud and sarcastic and...I'm never quite sure about you, whether you're just teasing or just don't like me. Honestly you're a bit scary sometimes.»  
«Oh...» he said, looking a stumped at my honesty. When he continued his voice was kind and mild. «I'm just teasing, Emily. If I didn't like you, you would have known about it, trust me.»  
«Good. Thank you.. I think,» I said a little uncertainly and had a swig of my beer.  
«Frankly I'm surprised you two didn't happen sooner,» he giggled, showing a little of the old Jeremy again. «You two have been drooling after each other forever!» he waved.  
«Was it that obvious?» I frowned.  
«Maybe not for everyone, but... like you said, I've known James a long time, and seen him fumble around with women as if they were another species altogether But with you, I don't know, he just seemed very at ease around you, right from the beginning. And James is never at ease with anything apart from his tools and trainsets and his piano. I'm glad you sorted things out.»  
«So am I,» I sighed and drained the remains of my beer.  
«I'm going for another cigarette,» Jeremy announced and got up.  
«Oh, can I bum one?» I asked. He raised one eyebrow at me and smirked cheekily.  
«Yeah yeah, come on,» he waved and disappeared. If followed him out into the back garden and we both lit up. After a long silence he shot me an evil grin. «But seriously, though. What are you doing with that floppy-haired old spaniel?»  
«Jeremy!» I shouted at him and slapped his forearm, pretending to be affronted and he laughed that hoarse, characteristic laugh.  
«I'm a dog person I guess,» I said and we chuckled, then went back to smoking. From inside I could hear James and Richard's footsteps and loud voices as they returned from the garage. As acting on a whim Jeremy flicked his cigarette away and dove under the garden table right next to the door.  
«Jezza, what..?» I hissed and stared at him. He looked pleadingly up at me to play along, motioning with his finger over his mouth to keep quiet about his hideout. He was already fighting to keep quiet and not giggle. Just as I had been about to say hiss at Jeremy again the glass door opened and James and Richard spilled out onto the back porch.  
«Emily! There you are! Where's Jeremy?» James asked, looking around the garden as if he expected to find him hiding in the bushes. He wasn't that far off, really. It took me a split second to decide.  
«Oh I don't know and I don't care, he buggered off,» I huffed and took an angry drag of my cigarette, pretending to be livid.  
«What..?» Richard squeaked, his face falling comically.  
«He started asking me all these rude questions,» I continued. «I wasn't going to stand for it so I gave him an earful, obviously he couldn't handle being shouted at by a woman so he fucked off.» James and Richard exchanged horrified glances and then both looked back at me.  
«But...» Richard squeaked again, trying to make sense of the situation. In the silence that followed Jeremy's hands shot out from beneath the garden table and closed around James' and Richard's ankles and he made a loud, alarming sound to scare them even more. James shouted loudly and spun around, his long hair whipping comically around as he did. He balled his hands into fists, adopted a defensive stance and seemed prepared to kick whatever had touched him. Richard gave a terrified shriek and flailed wildly as he bounded away as quickly as he could from the boogeyman. Jeremy's loud, hysterical laugh gave him away before he could crawl out from under the darkness of the garden table.  
«Jeremy, you insufferable pillock of a man!» James shouted at the top of his voice, clutching his chest.  
«Oh, Jeremy! You absolute bastard! Right, that's it, come here, I am actually going to kill you,» Richard roared, looking around wildly for anything that would serve as a weapon.  
«You? Kill? You were running for the hills a second ago!» James pointed at Richard, deciding to mock him instead of being angry at Jeremy.  
«And she! She was in on it!» Richard ignored James and turned on me instead. «How could you, Emily! I am very, very disappointed in you!» Amidst everything Jeremy was still on all fours on the decking, laughing so hysterically he was unable to get up at all, his face bright red and tears streaming from his eyes. His laugh was so contagious I broke out giggling too, and unable to get the image of James and Richards reactions out of my mind I bent over double with laughter.  
«That's it, I've had enough of those two,» Richard huffed. «I need a beer. And possibly a doctor, I might've had a heart attack!» He kept muttering sourly as he disappeared inside, and James followed him just to tease him some more, humming a song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. «He bravely ran away, away...» This only increased our hysterics, Jeremy lying curled up and clutching his stomach.  
«Emily, that was... brilliant acting! Such ingenuity!» He gasped in between fits of giggles.  
«You do know I'll have to sleep in the dog house tonight for that, right?» I chortled, trying to calm down. Eventually Jeremy's hysterics subsided and he clambered to his long, splay-legged feet, wiping his eyes with his hands.  
«Oh, that was fantastic. Made my entire evening,» he sighed, patting his stomach. «Bloody hell, that hurt.»  
«Come on, lets get inside. And don't laugh, it'll only make it worse!» I said as I opened the door and headed inside. James and Richard was sitting in the living room with fresh beers, James looking mildly amused and Richard still looking a little sour.  
«Changed your underwear then, Hamster?» Jeremy roared loudly and disappeared into James' kitchen, presumably for more beers. I groaned loudly and shut my eyes in exasperation.  
«Oh ha-ha,» Richard spat, rolling his eyes and fiddling with the label on his beer bottle.  
«Oh, Richard, I'm sorry,» I said sincerely and sat down on the armrest of his chair, patting his shoulder gently. «That was stupid of us. Jeremy just dived under the table and I didn't have the time to... I really am sorry, I didn't know what he was going to do, honestly!»  
«And here I bring you more beer purely out of the kindness of my heart, and you stab me in the back? Cold-hearted woman!» Jeremy said dramatically as he reentered the living room. But he was smiling and handed me a bottled anyway.  
«Hey, where is my apology?» James piped up. Feeling a little tipsy from an unknown amount of beer I moved over to the sofa next to James, much closer than I had earlier in the evening. Quickly I took his head in my hands so he couldn't turn away and gave him a deep, lingering kiss.  
«I'm sorry,» I said sweetly against his mouth and bit my lip innocently as I looked at him with my best puppy-dog eyes. The surprise and intensity of the kiss had left him gobsmacked and his eyes was slightly out of focus as he looked at me. «Am I forgiven?» He cleared his throat as he snapped out of his reverie. His answer wasn't what I had expected though.  
«Hmm, not quite,» he smirked, his eyes glittering. Apparently I wasn't the only one feeling the effects of the beer. «I might need a little more persuasion.» I leaned in to kiss him again, a little slower and more considered this time.  
«If that is what it takes to apologize to you, forget it. I would rather skin my donkey!» Jeremy huffed and we broke apart with a giggle.  
«That sounds so much like a euphemism, Jeremy, I don't even know where to begin!» I laughed. For the rest of the evening I stayed closer to James, content to just have his hand resting absentmindedly on my knee. Richard soon got over his mood and normal conversation resumed. It was a strange feeling, being with James out in the open like this, even if it was just around his best mates. It had been only James and me until now, even before we became a couple it was usually just the two of us when we spent time together. I still felt like I had to get to know James around other people, how he was around his friends, his colleagues, his family. The James I knew best was my James, the person he was when it was just the two of us alone together. Even if it felt strange, it felt good to be with people who knew about us, especially since they weren't making a fuss. We were just mates, talking and laughing, and nothing had really changed. Jeremy had surprised me more than once during our conversation, by being less judgmental and far more mild-mannered than I ever would have thought him capable of. And he had said he liked me, in his own backwards kind of way, and that was important to me. These three blokes had known each other for so long and spent to much time together both at work and in their private lives that it felt important that they liked and accepted me. I cared about James, which meant I cared about his mates and what they thought of me.

The music was still on in the background and without even being aware of it I was singing along to "Baba O'Riley" as I returned from the kitchen carrying the rest of the beers.  
«James, your woman sings along to The Who! Marry this one, will you?» Jeremy begged, waving his bottle in my direction. «At least don't fuck it up again,» he added. There was a tense moment where everyone looked at James, waiting for his reaction. But he broke out into a smile.  
«Marry? She just moved in, lets just take it from there, yeah?»  
«Whoa whoa whoa, wait, what? Excuse me?» Richard said loudly, slurring his words a little. «She's moved in? When did that happen?» I sat next to James and he slid his arm around me, pulling me in a little closer and we looked at each other a little awkwardly, wondering who should answer.  
«How could you fail to mention that in our little chat earlier?!» Jeremy roared in theatrical dramatic tones, always the loud drama queen. «I thought we bonded, Emily!»  
«Chat? Bonded?» James head snapped around to me, the look on his face one of utter bewilderment.  
«Yeah, Jeremy and I had quite a lovely girl-to-girl talk earlier,» I smirked and Jeremy giggled as he shook his head exasperatedly at me. This only seemed to deepen James confusion and he now looked slightly horrified as well.  
«Did you know that Jeremy, the poor soul, still regrets losing his virginity to ...» I began in a secretive voice, but Richard cut me off.  
«All right, enough of thaaaat, I don't want to know! Can we get back to the topic of you moving in, please!» He roared.  
«Well, I was going to be out of a flat very soon, as you all know. And I had sort of changed my mind about fleeing the country, so...» My voice trailed off.  
«So now she lives here for a while, as of today. If she actually likes living with me, she can stay, it's up to her,» James said. The look he gave me was filled with many things, love, openness, honesty. The other two didn't push the matter more or ask more questions. Privately I suspected they were too shocked to even know what to say. They had known James for so much longer than I had, and I had gathered that some of the things James had done while he had been with me was very unlike him. I seemed to bring out something new in him, a spontaneity and an impulsiveness that they didn't quite know what to think of. As the last beers were drunk Richard mumbled that it might be time to turn in, it was nearly midnight and they had their shoot in the morning. Jeremy and Richard stumbled out into a taxi ten minutes later, on their way to their respective London flats. Closing the door behind them I went back to the living room where James was busy fiddling with my iPod and the stereo. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and nuzzled my face against back, sensing his warmth and taking in his smell.  
«I'm going to tidy the kitchen before I go to bed,» I mumbled tiredly into his shirt. James put the iPod down and turned around in my arms to face me.  
«No, let me do that,» he said lovingly and ran a hand across my forehead, tucking away a strand of hair behind my ear. «I wanted to play you this song... I heard it on your iPod in the car on my way from Cardiff, just by accident. And it made me think of you. And everything that's happened... There's so much I want to say to you, but I don't know... It isn't high literature, but it's... something, I guess,» he finished with an insecure shrug. «I'll go sort out the kitchen,» he finished quietly and gave me a little kiss, then he turned on the iPod and shuffled off. I vaguely recognized the start of the song, quiet and a little melancholic, but I hadn't listened to it much or paid attention to the words. I sat down on the nearest chair and listened intently.

«Pain is alive in a broken heart  
The past never does go away  
We were born to love  
And we're born to pay  
The price for our mistakes  
Grace, she comes with a heavy load  
Memories, they can't be erased  
Like a pill I swallow, he makes me well  
But leaves an awful taste  
Oh, I know this song won't do  
Enough to prove my love to you  
In my heart you'll always know  
There is a place only love can go  
There is a place only you can go  
Take my notions and words to heart  
This is the cry of a man  
I can't bring you fortune or noble life  
But I'll love you all I can»

Without even realizing it tears were streaming down my face. I didn't care that it wasn't high literature, I never understood any of that poncy dribble anyway. This was honest and pure. It was about James' guilt and grief for the mistake he'd made, and the realization that no matter how much he tried he could never completely erase what had happened. It was about how he feared that even if he loved me with everything he had, it wouldn't be enough. With the song finished I wobbled into the kitchen where James was just about to close the dishwasher. Through my tears I saw his face change when he registered that I was crying. I fell into his arms and before he even had time to open his mouth to say anything I cut him off.  
«Happy tears!» I bawled against his neck.  
«Okay,» he whispered into my hair, then he chuckled a little and hugged me tighter, kissing the top of my head.  
«It's a good song,» I said with a choked voice when my crying had died down. «But don't ever play something like that again, I'm so fucking tired of crying,» I sniffed.  
«I know, I hate seeing you cry. But I just... wanted you to hear it.»  
«Thank you. I love you,» I said and gave him a kiss. He hugged me closer again. As I rested my head against his chest I yawned widely, feeling exhausted from emotions, from the moving and from beer.  
«Come on. Bedtime,» he whispered, took my hand and lead me upstairs to our bed.


	27. Chapter 27

James and I had passed out as soon as we crawled into bed, tired from beer and moving and all the emotions from the past few days. We were brutally torn out of our sleep by James' blaring alarm. He fumbled blindly for his phone on the nightstand and squinted at it, trying to get the damn thing to shut up.   
«I would say good morning, but thats already ruined,» I muttered and kissed his shoulder.   
«WHY do I drink on a work night? I'm a grown man, I should know this by now!» He moaned, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing his face tiredly.   
«If it's any consolation you won't be the only one a bit under the weather today,» I pointed out. James rolled over, buried his face against my neck and pulled the duvet over the heads of both of us.   
«There. Better.» His voice was muffled against my skin but the heard the sulky tone in his voice.   
«Aaw, poor baby,» I said teasingly, but kissed his forehead and hugged him tight anyway. «Listen, how about this; you go take a shower, and while you do that I go make you some breakfast?»  
«No, no, you don't have to do that,» he said, pulling the duvet down so we could get some air. «You shouldn't have to get up, you don't have work today.»  
«I don't have any work, James. Period. The upside of that is that I can go back to bed when you've gone,» I smirked, gave him a quick kiss and crawled out of bed before he could stop me. My clothes were still mostly in bags and suitcases, so I opened James' closet and fished out one of his t-shirts that I slipped on. As I went downstairs I heard him getting out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom, then the shower running. The newspaper was on the floor and I picked it up then opened the front door, knowing another one who might be wanting breakfast. Fusker bounded in with a little meow and wound himself around my bare legs in an effort to sweet talk me into handing out the kibbles. 

When James entered the kitchen he found me nibbling on a piece of toast and reading the paper. He sat down, bringing with him that smell of clean man, and dug into his breakfast. For a while no sounds filled the kitchen except the munching of toast and the crunching of kibbles. I folded the newspaper and threw it over to James with a sigh.  
«You must be the worlds' fastest reader,» he pointed out dryly, picking up the paper.   
«Or just not very interested in the news,» I retorted, buttering another toast. «It's just so... depressing! All violence and murder, the crash of our economy and the downfall of our Earth, you could have panic attacks from far less! As an informed and conscientious inhabitant of this planet I should pay attention to the news, I know, but... I want a newspaper filled with nothing but tear-jerking stories about cute animals!» At this James gave a loud snort of laughter.   
«Is that why you became a nurse? Because it's so simple and void of tragedies?»  
«That's another point!» I said, pointing at him with my knife. «I have more than enough with all the tragedies going on in a typical hospital ward, I don't have the need to be aware of all the tragedies going on in the rest of the world! My patients are right there, they're close and very, very real. Those tragedies I can try to do something about. Help in some way, avoid or alleviate it. But what goes on in the rest of the world... It's too much, too far away, too intangiable,» I waved.   
«You care too much, Emily,» James said simply. I didn't argue, because he was right and I knew it. It was also the thing I suspected made me a good nurse, I genuinely cared about people. When you lose sight of the fact that it's people you are dealing with, every day and with every patient, it's time to get a new job.  
«I know, I know,» I sighed. Having finished breakfast I got up and started tidying up. «I thought I'd use the rest of the day to surf around for jobs, see if there's anything interesting, preferably somewhere not too far away.» James just hummed to signal he'd heard, seemingly immersed in a newspaper article. I went back and forth between the table, the counter and the fridge, clearing up. Just as I placed my plate and my glass on the kitchen counter I felt hands come to rest at my sides, then lips brushing lightly against my skin. James hummed as he kissed the side of my neck, and I felt his chest press against my back. Smiling I closed my eyes and tilted my head to the side, encouraging him to kiss me more. His hands slipped under the t-shirt and he closed his arms around me, running both palms slowly over my stomach, caressing me as he kept kissing. With a sigh I leaned back against him, enjoying the sensation of being enveloped completely by James, melting into him. The side of my neck had always been a sensitive area, and James' kisses made my heart pound in my ears and the blood rush in my veins. He was fully aware of what he was doing to me. Still caressing my stomach his lips travelled across the back of my neck to the other side. I was so caught up in his lips and his tongue against my neck that I barely noticed his hands moving until they cupped my breasts under the shirt. While he kneaded them gently he rubbed his thumbs over my hardening nipples. I brought my hand back to caress the side of James' neck and I tangled my fingers into his hair. His mouth found its way up to my earlobe which he sucked, then bit gently, tugging at it a little. I erupted into goosebumps and my nipples instantly became rock hard under his thumbs. James gave a satisfied hum against my neck as he felt it. My breath had become faster, more shallow and I was squirming against him. His kisses became quicker and more needy as he felt me respond to him. He let go of my breasts, but only to wrap one arm around my waist so he could hold me closer, press my body against his own. At the same time the other hand slid down my stomach and inside my panties. I went weak at the knees when his fingertip brushed lightly but purposefully over a clit that was already hard and wet. He was breathing heavily in my ear, sucking on my earlobe again. Instinctively I stuck my bum out, pressing myself against him and I could feel how hard and warm he was through his jeans. He gave a low, throaty moan as he felt me rub up against him, and he increased the pressure on my clit a little. I had to let go of his hair and grab the edge of the kitchen counter with both hands to steady myself.   
«Aren't you supposed to be on your way to work by now?» I panted. I was only teasing him, at this point I wouldn't have let him go even if he tried.   
«I can't go anywhere like this. I'll get into a horrible accident and be found dead with a massive erection. Most undignified,» he muttered. I was about to laugh but it turned into a moan as his fingers kept rubbing my clit. «I need you, Emily. Right here,» he breathed and at the same moment I felt my panties being tugged down over my hips and falling to the floor. He grabbed my hips and spun me around to face him. For a moment we looked at each other, panting and eyes black with lust. Then I realised that I could kiss him now, and I cupped his head in my hand and kissed him furiously. He eagerly returned the kisses, his tongue playing with mine. Strong, big hands grabbed a firm hold of my bum. He hoisted me easily onto the counter and I had a quick flashback to our first night together in this house. Refusing to break the kiss his hands let go of me and he fumbled with his belt and jeans, franticly trying to undo them. I tried to help but only got in the way. We were to focused to even laugh at the situation, this wasn't funny, we were both just desperate. Instead I decided to pull his shirt out of his jeans, desperate to touch his skin. Finally he had managed to undo his jeans and pulled them and his boxers down just enough to free himself. With one arm wrapped around me he pulled me a little closer to the edge of the kitchen counter. In one thrust he pushed himself into me, as if he was on fire and couldn't get relief quickly enough. I moaned into his mouth in surprise, and vaguely I wondered if he'd measured the height of his kitchen with this in mind, because the height was perfect. Then everything was chased away by his lips, his hands, his cock, the pleasure that was gradually building. In a flash the t-shirt was pulled over my head and discarded on the floor. I resumed kissing him desperately and slid my arms around him, digging my fingertips into his bum. His hands were on my thighs, gripping me firmly so he could push harder into me and he huffed and moaned.   
«Oh, fuck..» I gasped, not quite being able to keep up with everything I was feeling. This was completely new to me, this desperate urgency that made me feel like I needed to be fucked, right now, on a kitchen counter, or I would explode. I had never felt so aroused, so completely in the moment. Everything was just an intense, fiery blur. Absolutely nothing existed except the two of us and our urge to quench our desire and get our release. The counter was hard and uncomfortable, I was buck naked on it and the position was awkward but none of it mattered, everything was just reduced to a simple need to fuck, hard and fast. James brought my legs a little higher, trying to push himself deeper into me. I had to let go of him and grab the edge of the kitchen counter to steady myself and be able to meet his thrusts even harder. My eyes was closed and all I could feel was James hands gripping my hips and how he was pounding into me. His hands let go of my hips and he leaned a little forward, supporting himself on his arms on the counter. He licked and sucked at the skin on my neck, then he even bit me and I didn't care, it felt good and exciting. I kissed every part of him I could reach, the side of his face and his neck.   
«I'm... close,» he breathed, barely managing that.   
«Me too!» I winced and tried meeting his thrusts even more. «Oh fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck...!» I moaned, my voice increasing in pitch as I was finally pushed over the edge and the orgasm rose to its crescendo in me. I trembled and shook so badly I was sure I was going to completely lose control over my body and fall off the counter, and I would have if James body hadn't prevented me. After a few more frantic thrusts James came too, biting my shoulder and groaning as he did. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight as our orgasms slowly receded. When I finally came to my wits I noticed how we were both panting like we'd run a mile.   
«Bloody Norah...» he muttered weakly against my shoulder and we both laughed a little.   
«That was... a new experience,» I admitted. James straightened up to look at me.   
«Yeah?»  
«Yeah. But I liked it,» I smiled and gave him a kiss.   
«I did, too,» he said, suddenly looking a little shy. Which was ridiculous, considering he'd just taken me hard and fast on his kitchen counter. The frenzy and the intensity in him was gone and he'd morphed back into his gentle, slightly awkward self.  
«Really? I was sure you'd measured your kitchen for this exact purpose in mind,» I smirked and squeezed his hips with my thighs. He laughed loudly and shook his head.  
«Honestly, I didn't. Fortunate coincidence,» he said with a crooked little smile.   
«I am very glad you don't have wooden counter-tops, or my arse would've looked like a bloody porcupine!» I pointed out and James laughed again.   
«God, I love you,» he said with a happy sigh.  
«Why?» I asked in a challenging tone.  
«Because you make me laugh,» his answer was instant. «And because you look so amazing naked on my kitchen counter.» He wrangled himself free from the grip my thighs had on him and he quickly pulled on his boxers and jeans. Then he picked up the discarded t-shirt and helped me get it back on. I couldn't help myself from staring lovingly at him, grinning like a cheshire cat. He returned the loving look and leaned in, cupping my face in his hand. «I am running so.. very.. late...» he mumbled as he slowly leaned in. The kiss he gave me was long and deep.   
«This isn't helping you get to work quicker,» I pointed out quietly. I ran my fingers through his hair in an effort to tidy it up a little and straightened his shirt. He sighed heavily.   
«All right, I have to go. Have a good day, yeah?»  
«Okay. You too. Say hi to the others from me,» I smiled. He nodded and gave me a quick kiss, then let go of me and headed for the hallway. I jumped off the kitchen counter and retrieved my panties, making a mental note to clean the counter quite thoroughly later. Just as I heard James open the front door I shouted at him.  
«James, wait!» He stopped in his tracks and I ran to him.  
«What?» He said, looking a little disturbed.   
«I just.. I love you, okay?» I said and reached up to cup his face in my hands, pulling his face down to mine for a kiss. He smiled widely, shut the front door and dropped his bag in one movement. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and gave me a long and passionate kiss that just wouldn't end. I had to nearly push him away to break the kiss. «James, James. Work, remember?» I said with a mischievous little smirk. He rolled his eyes.   
«You're impossible,» he sighed, picked up his bag again and disappeared out the door.


	28. Chapter 28

After James had gone for work I went back to bed, taking my laptop with me and I started searching for jobs, writing up a resume and applications. In the end I applied for just about anything, temp jobs, part time, full time, and in about every ward imaginable in the greater London area. The most interesting job I found was at nearby Queen Charlotte and Chelsea hospital, at a prematurity clinic. I had always wanted to work with premature babies in a neonatal intensive care unit so I made an extra effort and went to the hospital with my application the very same day. I knew my chances of getting it weren't great, I had very little experience in working with infants except for the few cases I had in Syria. I had no specialist training or education in the field either, but I had considered specializing as a pediatric nurse just to work in that kind of unit. In any case trying for it couldn't hurt, I figured.

The first few days of unemployment was enjoyable, I relished being able to sleep in and not have any set plans. Usually I got up with James and sorted breakfast then curled up on the sofa with Fusker to search for jobs or watch TV. But I quickly grew restless and the days grew long and boring. James was working with Top Gear, preparing for the new season that was going to start airing in May. And he had his writing. Meanwhile I kept endlessly surfing the employment ads, mailing applications or calling hospitals. Needing to get out of the house I went for lunch with Cathy, filling her in on all the drama that had been going on in my life lately and she listened in wide-eyed fascination. She was a little hurt that I hadn't told her any of it before. I admitted that I wished I had come to her with it, because dealing with it on my own had come very close to breaking me, even closer than I had been aware of. From where I was now, with James back in my life, it was easier to see how dark my mind had been without him. At the time I had felt like I was coping with it in some way, but what I had really been doing was running away, shutting it out.

As bored as I was, the week still sped past. James and I decided to spend Saturday night just being with each other and enjoy ourselves. All those weeks we had spent apart, and the reasons for it, were still fresh in our minds and we both wanted to focus on each other and rebuild our relationship. We decided to make food together, drinking copious amounts of wine while we did. Cooking had always been something I found incredibly tedious, mainly because it was very boring to cook for just one person. But with James I liked it, it was fun and cozy. The wine probably helped. After dinner I turned on some music and sat down in the corner of the sofa. James sat down next to me and he pulled my legs into his lap. For a while we sat in silence, just listening to music. I fiddled absentmindedly with the stem of my glass while I listened, thinking. James' eyes had been closed for a long time.  
«James? You asleep or just having a bliss-out?» I said, gently prodding his tummy with my knee, worried he was going to spill his wine if he actually was nodding off. He opened his eyes and blinked at me.   
«Hm, what? Bliss-out? What the hell is a bliss-out?» He pronounced the word as if it was something completely foreign to him.  
«You know, when you're just... overcome with bliss and serenity.»  
«Ah. Guess I was having a «bliss out» then,» he said, sarcastically drawing quotation marks around the term with his fingers.   
«So, how has your first week of me living in your house been? Should I start surfing for a new flat as well as a new job?» I asked. The question had been on my mind all week. What did he really think of suddenly having someone living with him?  
«I wish I'd known a week ago just how loudly you are capable of snoring,» he said with a sad shrug.   
«Hey!» I squawked, pretending to be offended. He chuckled a little and caressed my knee and thigh lovingly.  
«This week has been... great. I like knowing you're waiting for me when I come home from work.» I gave him a little frown, and he realised what he had just said. «Oh god, that came out all wrong,» he said hurriedly. «I just meant... It's amazing, having you to come home to. I love being able to fall asleep next to you every night.»  
«So you don't miss having... personal space? Time on your own?» I asked tentatively.  
«Well, the good thing is that we have about the same need for personal space. We can be in the same room, do completely different things and not feel like we have to talk to each other or be joined at the hip. I still have whatever personal space I need, but this is nicer because I'm not so... lonely.» What James was saying made me happy, I had been worried that me being in the house all the time would make him feel like he was being smothered. Often when James played piano, was reading or if he went into his garage I let him be, respecting his need for some time on his own. And it gave me time to do the same.   
«Good,» I smiled.   
«How has your first week living with me been, then? Desperate to find a new flat?» He asked in return. His insecurity shone through him and I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.   
«It's been a very good one,» I said simply. «So no, no plans to find a flat,» I added. «But we need to sort out some sort of rent or something, I can't just live here for free.»  
«No, Emily, you don't have to--» James began, shaking his head.  
«Oh come off it. It wouldn't feel right, living here and not pay for anything, I'd feel like I was just... freeloading.»  
«Emily, the mortgage on this house is already paid off. In case you haven't noticed, I've done quite well on the economical front. You paying me rent would be just... pointless.»   
«Okay, but even if your mortgage is paid off you still have fixed expenses each month? Electricity, water, gas, internet provider, all that stuff,» I maintained stubbornly. He sighed, knowing I wouldn't let up on this.   
«All right, fine, we'll split the ongoing expenses. But that's it!» He pointed sternly at me, obviously not accepting any more buts. «Just take the money you would use for rent and... I don't know, pay off your student loan or something. Do something sensible with them,» he waved airily.  
«No, I'm going to spend it all on caviar, champagne and strippers.» I rolled my eyes at him and he laughed loudly.   
«So, are we agreed on this?» James said when he was done laughing.  
«Yeah all right,» I nodded, accepting the compromise. He said nothing, he just smiled as he took my nearly empty glass from me and set it on the table next to his own. «Is there room for me too?» I nodded and stretched my arms out towards him. He laid down on his side next to me, the sofa was really too narrow for both of us. The kiss he gave me was unhurried and loving. When we broke apart he looked at me, and after a moment's silence he raised an inquisitive eyebrow. «Just out of curiosity; male or female strippers?»   
«Definitely not males ones. Male strippers often remind me of those genetically modified cows, you know? Just... lumbering, unnatural mountains of bulging meat, it's disgusting!» I said with a grimace. James burst out laughing his characteristic duck-laughter. Then he made a face of disgust and nodded his agreement. «Female ones can be sexy, though, if they have a bit of class. Like.. burlesque strippers. Dita von Teese kind of thing...» I mused, thinking out loud. When I returned to reality James stared at me with wide eyes.  
«I have to get you drunk on tequila sometime...» he breathed.   
«You know, boyfriends can get stripteases without there being any tequila involved whatsoever...» I said with a smirk. His eyes lit up with hopeful anticipation. «But I strongly recommend tequila. If I try to dance sober I'm as graceful as a camel on heels. When I'm drunk I at least think I can dance.»  
«The last time I danced with you I thought you were very graceful,» he said with a dreamy smile, thinking back to the Top Gear Christmas party.  
«That was a slightly different kind of dancing,» I reminded him.   
«You looked absolutely breathtaking that night.» His eyes glittered as he looked at me. I fidgeted nervously and avoided his gaze, feeling myself growing hot around the ears. James took my face in his hand, forcing me to look at him. «You really don't do well with compliments, do you?»  
«Mmno, I guess I don't... I never have,» I shrugged.   
«I'll never forget how you looked that night. I could barely keep up a conversation with anyone because I couldn't stop staring at you. You are always beautiful, though. I wish I could make you understand just how beautiful I think you are.» An incredibly endearing shyness came over him as he admitted to this. For once I tried to just let the compliment sink in and take it to heart.   
«Thank you...» I smiled, running a hand over his cheek. «You know, that Christmas party... I was so nervous... I was constantly blushing around you. You must've noticed?»  
«Nervous? Why?» He frowned a little.  
«Because I was so... bloody attracted to you. You were incredibly handsome that night. And sexy...» I added.   
«Sexy?!» James guffawed, then shook his head. «There isn't a sexy thing on me, Emily, I'm just... old.»   
«Now who is rubbish at taking compliments? And by the way - that's bollocks!» I retorted. «There are lots of sexy things about you.»   
«Like?» He raised a disbelieving eyebrow.  
«Your eyes are sexy. Intense, blue eyes. That piercing look you give me sometimes make me weak at the knees. And your hair...» I continued, running my fingers through it. «I've always liked long-haired blokes. And you have a sexy bum.»  
«My... bum?!» He squawked.   
«Mhm! It's.. perky.» I bit my lip innocently at him and he chuckled a little, shaking his head exasperatedly at me. «Oh, and your hands...» I took his hand in mine, caressing it, playing with his fingers. «I love your hands and sexy arms. Strong, manly, beautiful hands. And so very sexy. You fix things with them, get them all dirty, build things. But still you can touch me in the most... delicate way. I love having your hands on me.»  
«Like.. this?» James said, running his fingertips gently down the side of my neck, over my collarbone and my chest. I hummed in appreciation and closed my eyes.   
«Exactly like that...» I sighed happily. «I'm so completely and totally head over heels for you, James,» I breathed, feeling myself blush a little at this confession. It wasn't like I hadn't told him that before, how crazy I was about him. We needed to say things like these to each other all over again because we were still mending things, rebuilding trust and finding back to each other. And over the past week I found myself falling in love with him all over again.   
«The feeling is mutual..» He said quietly and I shivered as he kissed me. His lips trailed across my cheek to my neck and I invited him by raising my chin for him.   
«James?» I said softly.   
«Mm?» He hummed against my neck.  
«Can we go upstairs and have hot, passionate, sweaty, mindblowing sex now?» I asked impatiently but in my most innocent voice. James froze mid-kiss, then he looked up at me.   
«Oh, so no pressure then?» He exclaimed, but he was trying to hide a smile.   
«If it helps take the pressure off we can just go upstairs so I can show you my new underwear..?» I said with a mischievous little smirk.   
«New underwear?» James said, raising an eyebrow.   
«Mm, got bored, so I went shopping.» I saw the childish excitement in his eyes. Then he tried to compose himself.   
«I guess I could.. take a look» he said nonchalantly and shrugged in an off-hand sort of way. I nibbled teasingly at his bottom lip, got out of the sofa pulling him after me and dragged him upstairs. He followed quite willingly. We barely made it to the bedroom before James started tugging feverishly at my clothes.   
«Nu-uh,» I said forbiddingly, taking hold of his wrists to stop him and pushed his arms away from me. With his arms still in a firm grip I leaned towards him, hovering over his mouth. «I decide when you get to see anything...»  
«Oh no,» he said firmly and wrenched his wrists easily out of my grasp. James was taller than me, and a lot stronger. If he really wanted to free himself there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop him. His free hands went to the hem of my shirt and he slowly began pulling it upwards. «You asked me up here to see your underwear,» he hissed slightly menacing voice. «So that is what I'm going to do.» I swallowed hard and nodded weakly, obediently raising my arms in the air so he could pull the shirt off. His eyes immediately fell to my new bra. It was mostly made out of a very sheer fabric in a dark petrol blue. The cups were decorated with embroidered lace flowers in purples and yellows, almost looking like a flowery pattern from one of James' shirts. The flowers were cute and pretty, but the sheerness of the fabric made it sexy. The dark circles of my nipples were visible through it. As James studied my bra I studied his face, giggling a little at him. He reminded me of an excited, little boy unwrapping a present. He licked his lips before he spoke.  
«I love that colour,» he told my breasts.  
«I'm up here, love,» I chuckled. His eyes shot upwards and he blushed a little. I folded my hands behind my back and swung my shoulders from side to side a little in a coy little jiggle. «So you like it?» I asked innocently, biting my lip. James just hummed appreciatively, words apparently beyond him, and he ran a fingertip lightly over my nipple. The fabric covering it made his touch feel different, rougher somehow, but I liked it and my nipple hardened under his touch.   
«I have to see the rest of it,» he said huskily, grabbed my arm and walked backwards towards his bed, eyes still fixed on me. As his legs made contact with the bed he sat down and pulled me close. Lovingly he ran his palms over my thighs, hips and bum, smiling. With quiet determination he undid the button on my jeans and slowly pulled down the zipper while I caressed the back of his neck. To my surprise he didn't yank the jeans down, but only opened them a little, getting his first peek at the other half of my new underwear. I knew he was pacing himself, not wanting to rush. Focused and excited he studied every single detail of me, and of my new underwear. The attention made me feel flattered, wanted, but it also made me a little shy. The panties were made in the same blueish green, sheer material and the top half of it was decorated in the same floral embroidery. Slowly, almost reverentially he pulled my jeans down, holding his breath. When they hit the floor I stepped out of them and kicked them aside, supporting myself on his shoulders. James swallowed hard, trying to find his voice. «Turn around...» He commanded. I did as he said and took a few steps back, then twirled around on the spot a few times, feeling a little self-conscious. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wished I had downed a few tequilas. James had seen me naked more times than I could count, and seen me in my underwear even more. And I had never felt uncomfortable around him, we were very safe with each other. But I wasn't used to this, to trying to put on a show, to consciously and deliberately be «sexy». Looking over at James I could see that his mouth was half-open as he stared me up and down. Having finished my pirouettes I returned to James, feeling safer in his arms. He looked up at me about to say something, but his voice failed him. He cleared his throat and tried agian.  
«You look...» He hesitated, searching for the right words.  
«Yes?» I urged him, biting my lip again. James had told me many times that he thought I was beautiful, but my self-consciousness and insecurities had been with me since before I hit my teens and they were deeply rooted in me.   
«Like a perfect, little pixie,» James said with a playful little smirk.   
«Pixie?» I snorted, burying my fingers in his hair.   
«Mhm. You're a gorgeous, sumptuous, amazingly sexy, perfect little pixie. With an absolutely perfect pixie arse,» he added, slipping his palms up the back of my thighs and taking my bum in a firm grasp. With my hands knotted around the back of his neck I threw my head back and laughed.   
«Perfect pixie arse,» I repeated, tasting the words. «Now there's a sentence I didn't expect to hear from James May.» James pulled me down into his lap, making me straddle him.   
«I mean it, though,» he said seriously.  
«About the perfect pixie arse?» I chortled, liking the phrase.  
«About everything. To me you are absolutley stunning, Emily. And not because you have put on pretty underwear or because parts of you looks this way or that way. I think you are stunning because you are you. And I'm totally mad for you.»  
«Thank you,» I breathed, blushing furiously. I gave him a quick kiss, then began unbuttoning his shirt. «I think it's your turn to take your clothes off, now.»  
«But I don't have any sexy underwear on...» James said apologetically.   
«I should hope not!» I exclaimed. «I swear, James, if you ever put on lace panties I will take photos of it and sell them to the Sun. The only underwear that can look sexy on men is normal boxers,» I said firmly.  
«Lucky for me I have boxers on, then,» he said with a smile just as I slid his shirt off his arms. I returned the smile and pulled his t-shirt off, throwing it to the side. Then I got up and bent down low over James, kissing him deeply as I opened his belt and undid his jeans. He hummed against my lips and leaned back a little, giving me better access to his jeans. When I had opened them I quickly slipped my hand inside his jeans and rubbed my palm against his cock through his boxers, wanting to coax him into life. I was surprised to feel that he was already hard. Had just the sight of me in my new underwear been enough to do that? He gave a moan and squirmed a little while he kept kissing me, pulling his jeans down and kicking them off. Then he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into bed. I shivered as I felt his warm, soft skin make contact with my own. His hand ran slowly down the length of my back, over my bum and my thigh, draping my leg over his hip, wanting to be closer. We were kissing all the while, tender and slow. I wasn't in a rush for sex, I was quite happy to just kiss and be kissed, to touch and be touched in return. When James broke the kiss he looked at me for a long while, his hand absentmindedly caressing my bum and hip. «I wanted to ask you something.» He looked almost embarrassed when he began talking.  
«What?» I asked mildly, running my hand over his chest and stomach.   
«Do you have any.. fantasies?»  
«Fantasies?» I repeated. «Like, sexual ones?»  
«Yeah. I mean, I just... Want to know what you fantasize about. Maybe I'd even be able to fulfill some of them... I would like that, to be able to fulfill your fantasies, give you what you want.»  
«You do give me what I want.»  
«You know what I mean,» James pushed on.  
«Hmm...» I said with a secretive little smirk, thinking while I still caressed his chest and stomach. What were my fantasies? What turned me on? «To be blindfolded. I imagine being deprived of one of my senses changes everything, heightens the other senses. I'd like to just be blindfolded and taken control over. Maybe even tied up, constricted in some way. Nothing mean or.. painful or anything, just.. Forceful.»  
«That would be interesting...» James agreed. Then he fell silent again, wanting me to go on if I had any other fantasies I wanted to share. His hands traveled over my body, running his fingertips lightly down my back or his palm over my stomach.  
«I'd like to be taken hard and fast on your kitchen counter but we've already done that one,» I continued and we both chuckled a little. «And I've thought about surprising you, waiting for you one day you get home wearing your leather bike jacket and nothing else, for instance...»  
«Oh god, please do that...» He moaned.   
«And I've thought about buying this chocolate paint, thought that might be a fun thing to mess around with.»  
«Chocolate paint?» James eyes widened.   
«Mhm. It's... body paint, liquid chocolate. Comes with a brush. Paint it on, kiss it off. Or lick it off, or suck it off...» My fingers ran playfully over his nipple as I explained.   
«I love chocolate...» James said huskily, enjoying his own mental images.   
«What about you, then?» I said, pinching his nipple lightly to bring him back to earth.   
«Hm?»   
«What about your fantasies?»  
«Oh... Well, I like the blindfold idea, I wouldn't mind that. Or being tied up. I think. I guess I'm a bit of a control freak, in all aspects of my life. It would be interesting to just.. be forced to give it up sometime.»  
«I can do that...» I said in a breathy voice. I ran a hand down his chest and stomach, then slipped it into his boxers, playing with his pubic hair but not touching him.  
«As cheap as it sounds, I've always wanted to shag you in my Ferrari,» he continued. «Or on it. The last time we were in that car it was early January and a bit cold... But the thought was constantly on my mind.» It was my turn to keep quiet, wanting him to continue. While I waited I kept playing with his pubic hair, running my fingers over the skin around his cock but still not touching it. I could tell it was distracting him, frustrating him.   
«And I've thought about getting one of those little... toys, those little vibrating ones? I'd want to try it on you, play with it, figure out what you liked...» I was more and more turned on as James talked, feeling myself becoming wet. The thought of James using a toy on me was a turn-on I hadn't even been aware of having. Aroused by my own fantasies, and by James', I was unable to stop myself from touching James' cock, wrapping my fingers gently around it. He gave a low groan of delight. I moved in closer and trailed my mouth over his neck and collarbone, tasting his skin. My hand had been pumping him slowly, and now he pushed himself impatiently against my hand, wanting more friction.   
«I want you.. so... much...» I murmured between kisses. Suddenly I felt myself being pushed onto my back. Forcefully James parted my legs a little and sat on his knees between them. He ran his hand down my chest, between my breasts and down my stomach.   
«That is very sexy...» he said, running his fingertip over the fabric covering my pussy. «The way I can see you through the fabric. But not enough of you...» He rubbed his finger against my clit, feeling the wetness and heat that was seeping through the fabric.   
«Take them off, then...» I breathed, squirming against his hand. The sheer fabric dulled the feeling of his finger against my clit and I wanted more. Not being hard to ask, James immediately pulled my knickers off, then took off his own boxers. He came to rest on top of me, his warm, throbbing cock pressed between us, pinned against my pussy. I shivered as his skin made contact with mine again. Knowing how much he loved it I ran my palms firmly down the length of his back and took his bum in a firm grip, grinding up against him, teasing him. He huffed and moaned before taking my lips in a wet and needy kiss. James started to rock his hips, meeting my movements and rubbing up against me. His hard, warm cock was rubbing perfectly against my clit and the sensation made me moan into his mouth. We were just teasing each other now, working each other into a frenzy of lust and arousal, building up our anticipation. I lost myself in the feeling of being naked with him, of having his naked body press down on mine. The movements of our hips had become faster and faster, and my hands were digging ever harder into James' bum, desperate for more friction. But it wasn't enough, at this point all I wanted was to have him inside me. James reached the same conclusion and slowed down to guide himself inside me. Feeling him slide inside me made me groan with relief. I wrapped one leg around his hip, using my leg on his bum to press him against me, inside me. He moved slowly, pushing all the way into me and then resting there for a moment. We rarely took our time to do this, to take it slow and really feel how amazing it was to be connected like this. Most times we were just too impatient, too turned on, too intent on pushing each other to orgasm. I liked those intense, frantic fucks, they were all-consuming and made everything feel like it was on fire. But this felt more like intimacy, not just on a physical level but an emotional one as well. Closeness, in every sense of the word. James moved his hips back, sliding out of me, and I immediately missed the feeling of him filling me up. We stared into each others eyes as his face hovered over mine, our noses almost touching.   
«God, I love how this feels...» He said with a moan as he pushed slowly into me again.  
«Me too,» I whinced. «I love feeling you inside me.» James pushed a little harder into me as he kissed me hungrily, sucking on my bottom lip. I encouraged him by raising my hips up to meet his thrusts. Breaking our kiss I brushed James' hair out of the way and buried my face against James' neck, kissing and licking the skin below his ear. Knowing he liked it I took his earlobe in my mouth and sucked on it, then bit it gently, breathing heavily. James moaned in response and thrust harder into me. Then he slipped his arms under me, taking hold of me and I felt myself being flipped over and suddenly found myself on top. I looked down at him a little surprised, panting. «Hello.»  
«Hello,» he smiled, his hands resting on my hips. I cupped his face in my hand, caressing his cheek. His hands gripped my hips a little tighter, willing me to start moving. Not being hard to ask I began rocking my hips slowly. The change in angle caused for a slightly different feeling, but it felt just as good as before. I sank down on him and stayed there, just grinding my hips against him and he groaned, wrapping his arms around my waist. «God, you're good at that!» He huffed, raising his hips up to meet me. Tired of leaning on one arm I rested against him and slipped an arm under his neck, holding him tight. I kept moving my hips in an steady, slow pace, enjoying this chance to take our time and feel how the pleasure was gradually building up. Every cell in me screamed at me to move faster, wanting me to chase the climax, but I refused to cave in to it. James arms was still wrapped around my waist, and I could tell that he too was trying to pace himself and hold back. We huffed and moaned in each others ears, the noises we made egging us on just as much as everything else. Being able to make James groan and moan was a nice ego-boost, but it was also a turn-on, I just wanted to give him more, make him be louder. I felt how James sometimes sucked or licked my skin, breathing heavy against it. Unable to stop myself I increased the speed of my movements. James was equally impatient and began raising his hips sharply up to meet my thrusts. The change in pace increased the pleasure enough to drive anything but my will to have an orgasm out of my mind. Then I heard James' loud moans, making me more focused on his climax than my own. I raised myself up on my arms, supporting myself with my hands on James' chest. The change in position meant that I could thrust down on James with more force and this resulted in even more noises from James. With every hard thrust my clit was rubbed delightfully against him. Looking down at him I could see that James' eyes was shut tight in pleasure and his mouth was slightly open, his hair a sweaty, bushy mess and his face was flushed. «Oh go-- Emily, faster, please!» He begged and gritted his teeth. Wanting nothing more than to give him what he wanted I moved my hips faster, closing my own eyes to focus more on what I was doing. James' hands were digging into my bum, pushing me against himself, controlling the pace. To my surprise I suddenly realised that I was close to coming, and that I was completely unable to stop it. Just as the sex had been slower and lasted longer than usual, my orgasm mirrored that. It rose inside me like I was feeling it in slow motion. I was far more used to it peaking almost instantly and be over just as quickly, but this orgasm was different. When it finally peaked I shook and trembled as I gave a long moan. This wasn't so intense and powerful, often it felt almost painful and thought I would explode. But this, this was a perfect state of orgasmic bliss that just seemed to last a lifetime. Why couldn't all orgasms be like this? I had tried to keep moving against James as I shook and trembled through my orgasm. With one last, sharp thrust James came too, and I swore I could feel him come inside me. I kept riding him, milking his orgasm as best I could. Eventually I slowed down and came to a stop, James still inside me. His hands trailed slowly over my back and his lips lazily kissed the side of my neck. «That sounded like a long one...» he said quietly in my ear, his voice was low and sexy.   
«I'm not sure it's over yet...» I mumbled weakly against his skin and he chortled. «Seems like slow has its advantages,» I added, lifting my head to look at him.  
«And I'm the Captain,» James smirked and we both broke out laughing. Still giggling I sank down next to James, resting my head on his shoulder.   
«Listen, I hope what I said earlier didn't make you feel any pressure, I didn't mean it like that.» I ran my hand up and down James' arm as I spoke. «I only said it because sex with you always feels that way, it's always been amazing.» James turned his head sideways and his lip found mine.   
«Mno, no pressure,» he said, smiling against my lips, then he pulled back to look at me. «I used to feel pressure, maybe because I was insecure about myself or whatever relationship I was in. Or maybe because who I was with, we weren't sexually... right for each other. With you, I never felt that pressure. I... I don't have to think when I'm with you, I don't over-analyze things. I can let go, do whatever comes naturally, enjoy what is going on, just.. feel, and be. We're right for each other.»  
«We are,» I agreed, taking his lips in a long, deep kiss.


	29. Chapter 29

Another few weeks passed, I was still unemployed and growing incredibly bored and restless. I'd been called to quite a few interviews in response to my applications, and I was waiting for them to get back to me. I tried to pass the time by knitting furiously and watching endless episodes of TV-series. Realising this was an incredibly unproductive way of spending all this free-time I started studying for the motorcycle theory test, having decided I was going to get a license, maybe over the summer. I kept my studying a secret, wanting to surprise James with it at some point. But when I was tired of studying and couldn't sit still any longer I cleaned, or did laundry or something around the house, which just made me feel like a stay-at-home wife and I hated it with a passion. The fact that James was gone for four days on a shoot hadn't helped my restlessness. It was our first time spending nights apart since we had gotten back together, and being without James like this just brought back awful feelings and memories. No matter how much I tried to keep in mind that we were together now, that everything was fine and he was just away working, I still felt uneasy and restless. I was missing him and needed for him to come home. I disliked feeling so dependent on him, almost addicted to him. Being unemployed and bored just made it worse, because I didn't have work to take my mind of the fact that I was missing him.

A vibration in my pocked notified me that my phone was ringing. James was calling me and I thought I'd better pick up, not wanting him to worry.  
«Emily! Where are you?» He asked when I had said hello.   
«James, hi. I'm just... out. Walking.»  
«Oh, okay... I just came home,» he said, sounding a little disappointed that I wasn't there to greet him. Since he'd been gone for four days and I knew when he would be back, he had expected me to be there.  
«I ... needed a walk, clear my head a bit. I'm just in Ravenscourt Park.»  
«Everything all right?» He asked, knowing me well enough to sense that something was up.   
«No, not really... Depends on how you look at it,» I said mysteriously. «We'll talk about it later, when I get back, okay?»  
«All right...» He said. "Don't be long." He was unwilling to let me go, but he did anyway. I did another round of the park, thinking furiously. 

James appeared in the kitchen doorway as soon as I came home.   
«There you are!» He smiled and stretched out his arms. I walked straight into them and buried my face in the crook of his neck, taking in his familiar, comforting scent.   
«I'm glad you're home, baby,» I said, my voice muffled against his shirt.   
«Me too.» Warm, familiar hands cupped my face and James hummed as he gave me a long kiss. «Did you eat? Are you hungry?» He asked when he let go of me.   
«Mno, don't feel much like eating.» I gave a sad little shrug. «How about you?»  
«I'll eat later, I think I want to know what's going on with you first,» he said mildly, brushing some curls away from my face.   
«All right,» I sighed. «Cup of tea?» A few minutes later we sank down on the sofa with a cup each.   
«Suspense is killing me, woman. What's going on?» James said impatiently.   
«I've.. been offered a job,» I began.   
«Wahey, great!» He exclaimed, his face brightening up. When he saw my lack of enthusiasm his face fell a bit. «...No?»  
«It's in Rwanda,» I said as quickly as I could, just to get it overwith.  
«As in Rwanda, Africa..?» James said a little stupidly.  
«No, Rwanda, Yorkshire! Of course, Africa!» I teased. «It's with the Red Cross, they need nurses in a camp for congolese refugees. Providing basic health care, medication, first aid... Everything, really. I signed up as available for another stint about a month ago, I'd completely forgotten about it, until they suddenly called today. When I signed up it was just another way of... trying to get as far away as I could...» I finished quietly.  
«You don't still want to get away...?» he asked hesitantly.   
«No, no, of course I don't!» I assured him, caressing his hand. «But this is Africa, James! Rwanda, even! I've wanted to go back ever since I went to Kenya and Uganda all those years ago. It was one of the reasons I even became a nurse in the first place, the idea that I could go back someday and help out in some way, at least a little. It's been a distant dream since I was 19 and... now I have the chance. Rwanda is supposed to be an absolutely amazing country.»  
«So you're basically just asking me permission to go?» He asked in a flat tone of voice and he pulled his hand away from mine. His face was set in stone and he was barely looking at me.  
«No, I.. I just wanted to talk about it with you...» I fiddled nervously with my own hands, having lost the comfort of James'.  
«How long would you be gone?»   
«Um.. Three months, six maybe..» I added.  
«Six months?!» He repeated, looking horrified.  
«Maybe,» I pointed out. «I don't know, I... Three months can seem like a long time but... This is such an amazing opportunity and if I don't take it I might not get another one. If you look at it another way, in the course of a whole life three months is ... such an insignificant amount of time.»  
«Insignificant?» He repeated incredulously, he certainly didn't think it was.  
«This job won't be here in three months, but hopefully you will be...» I said, realising immediately how bad it sounded.   
«Will I?» His voice was cold as he straightened up and raised an eyebrow at me. The look he gave me almost made me cry instantly, it gave me no promises that he would. I was shocked at how quickly he had threatened with not being there for me.  
«W-w-won't you?» I stammered, trying to control a bottom lip that was quivering out of control, the sheer thought of it scared the life out of me.  
«It seems like you've already made up your mind,» he said sulkily.   
«No, I haven't!» I maintained, swallowing hard. «I just... want to make you understand why this is important to me, why this is a big thing, a big decision. This came at such a bad time, this job offer, the last thing I want to do is be away from you again, not now when we've just... Fixed things. And I want you to know that I wouldn't have considered it, even for a second, if it wasn't something I really wanted to do.» A long silence followed in which James studied his knotted hands, and I studied James, trying to figure out what thought processes might be going on in his head. «Well..?» I prompted, needing to break the silence and get James to say something. Anything.  
«Well what? What do you want me to do?» He said, throwing his arms out and looking exasperated.  
«I don't know, I.. Say something, tell me what you think? Obviously you don't like it, but...» Another silence followed, and I gave James time to think. He sighed heavily before he spoke.  
«I get that this is important to you, Emily, you've talked about Africa, about going back... Hell, we even met while you were out doing this kind of thing, but... I don't know, can I just... Think for a little? You've already had some time to think about this.»  
«Oh...all right.» I was unable to argue with him, I had thought this over for hours already. Of course he should be given the same chance.   
«When do you have to decide?»  
«They gave me until Monday...»   
«Okay,» he sighed. «I have some emails and stuff to catch up on.» He patted my knee and gave me a quick kiss, all of which was meant to reassure me that everything would be all right, but none of it convinced me in the slightest. I watched James as he disappeared into his office, feeling how my heart sank to somewhere around knee-level. His reaction had made my decision that much harder, and I was more confused than ever. Desperately needing someone to talk to, I found my laptop and decided to call up my sister via webcam. She couldn't bring me any clarity on the matter either, or provide much comfort. At first she just said the things I had thought a hundred times already. How this was a great opportunity, my dream come true, really. And it was only for three months, the time would fly by. But what about James, could he handle it? The whole discussion just went around in circles and was just confusing me even further. We were interrupted by the kids' bedtime, and the conversation ended. Just as I had closed the laptop James appeared in the doorway from the hallway. He had an odd expression on his face, neutral and distant.  
«Colin asked if I wanted to go out for some pints. I think I'll go.»  
«Oh... all right, okay...» It was all I managed to say. I knew his reaction to the job offer could be a negative one, but I hadn't expected this. Not that I had thought he'd be over the moon about it, but I had hoped for some support and a little understanding, at least. James had just come home, he'd been away for two days and I'd missed him and looked forward to spending time with him.   
«I'll just change clothes then I'll be going,» he said and disappeared upstairs. Internally I was torn between surprise, annoyance and a will to be understanding. Part of me understood that he needed time, and maybe that he needed to talk to someone else about this, someone who wasn't me. But I couldn't help being a bit stunned at how he was acting, and a little annoyed. James and I could talk about everything and I never felt like I had to hide anything from him about myself. But did he feel the same way? If what had happened between us should have taught him anything it would be that he shouldn't run away and not talk about what was on his mind. Maybe he wasn't like that, maybe he needed to talk to someone else about it first. Vent his frustrations. I was torn out of my preoccupation by James' voice. He was standing in the doorway, now dressed in a loudly patterned shirt and his leather jacket. Instantly I thought about how gorgeous he was, and desire for him was suddenly fighting with all of my other feelings. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay here, to hold me, kiss me and make love to me. «I said I was leaving,» he repeated.   
«Oh, yeah sorry. All right. Have fun, say hi to Colin?» I did my best at sounding normal, but I wasn't sure I was convincing.   
«All right,» he said, and just like that he was gone. I listened as his footsteps retreated and the front door shut behind him. The absence of sound was deafening, and suddenly I remembered something James had said to me. The silence you left behind... I fully understood what he had meant by that now. Of all stupid things to do, I broke down sobbing. An apathetic, aimless sort of cry that leaves you unable to do anything but sit straight up and down with your arms hanging limply by your side. I cried because I had been given this stupid opportunity now when I really wasn't in a position to take it. James and I had just made it through something that had been awful for both of us, and miraculously we'd come out of it together. But we were still fragile. I cried because I doubted our relationship would withstand me being gone for three months. I cried because I wasn't able to just blankly say no to the chance and tell James that of course, I choose you. What did that make me? Cold, cynical? Or just not as in love as I thought I was? I had never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. But, if I loved him with all my heart, shouldn't this have been any easy choice? Honestly I hadn't thought I'd ever find someone I would be willing to give up a chance like this for. And I cried because James seemed to be running again. Was he going to do this every time things got a bit difficult? «Do as I want or I'll just leave?» And then I cried because I was thinking these things about James, and I felt horrible for it. Mercifully the crying died down and I felt a little better, calmer at least. I had some food and curled up on the sofa with the TV-remote, feeling like I needed to give my brain a break from the eternal thinking and churning. 

When I woke up it was nearly 1am and I had fallen asleep with the remote in my hand. Wasn't James home yet? Or had he just gone to bed and not bothered to wake me? I turned off the TV and lights, then dragged my heavy feet up the stairs. The bed was empty. I tried his phone. It rang, but I got no answer. I crawled into the cold, empty bed and hoped I would be able to fall asleep again, still feeling drowsy. But my worrying for James made sleep impossible. Was he still out? Had he not wanted to come home and gone to a hotel? Had something happened? Had he gone home with someone? At that last thought I became physically nauseous and nearly started crying again. I stayed there in the dark for what felt like months, entertaining all kinds of concerned and suspicious thoughts. Amazingly I had nearly been dozing off when I heard the front door. The time was nearly 2:30. Unable to stop myself I got out of bed and padded downstairs on bare feet. James was in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen counter and drinking from a bottle of coke. His shirt was a little dishevelled and it had ketchup stains on it. By his glassy eyes and the way he swayed a little I could tell he was drunk.   
«Hey.. You're home...» I said quietly.   
«You sound surprised,» he said. The coldness in his voice made me nearly take a step back.  
«No, I... It's just... late, I was getting worried...» I stuttered, wondering why I felt like I had to defend myself.   
«Worried? Imagine how I'll feel, then!» His voice was suddenly loud and angry.   
«You...?» I said, confused.   
«How do you think I'll feel when you've gone off to some ... refugee camp on the border of a war-torn country. In a country where genocide on an epic scale happened less than twenty years ago, I might add!» He wasn't too drunk to string words into sentences, but evidently drunk enough to finally speak his mind. «I'm going to be worried out of my skull! You could be injured, Emily, or killed, or kidnapped and raped and...» His voice trailed off, he was running out of atrocities that might happen to me.   
«James, I... The camp isn't in a conflict-zone, and we have people watching out for us. UN soldiers, Peace Corps, things like that... In many ways being in Syria was more risky, that was a conflict zone and it just got more and more unstable...,» I argued.   
«And after I met you down there I did nothing but worry about you until I knew you'd gone back to Norway!» He said loudly. «Every time I heard Syria mentioned on the news my heart stopped! And that was back when I barely knew you!»   
«I... I didn't know that, you never said..» I mumbled quietly, but then I felt like I was defending myself again and anger came to the rescue. «Don't you think I'll worry about you too, when you're out travelling? You go to some pretty remote places, drive wrecks that are barely kept together by gaffa-tape and wire, on some of the most dangerous roads in the world! The last time you went on one of those trips you ended up in my emergency with your brain bruised! But I know it's part of your job, and without your job you'd go insane! I know how much you need your job!»  
«You can't compare making a tv-show with working in a refugee camp, Emily! For one thing I'm gone for a week, maybe two. You'll be gone for three months, or maybe six!» He waved his hands as he talked, drunk and angry. I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn't even know what to say. James studied me a little from behind his glassy, drunken eyes. Then he started talking again. «You know, I've always been perfectly fine on my own. Before I met you, I didn't mind being alone, living on my own... I had a few girlfriends, but even then I mostly preferred being alone. But when we... those weeks I spent away from you, I thought I was going to lose it, suddenly I just... couldn't function on my own. I felt like I was missing a part of myself. I've never been dependent on anybody, and I absolutely hate it! I hate needing you as much as I do! It scares the hell out of me! And now you're talking about leaving, for months! To go to the other side of the world, to a place that could be dangerous. And I can do absolutely nothing to stop you. Except hope that you'll stay because you love me.»  
«Of course I love you!» I said shrilly. «Don't you dare use the fact that I love you against me!»  
«It's the only thing I have!» He roared. «If you love me, you won't go!»  
«Stop talking like I've already decided to go!» I shouted.   
«Haven't you?» He shouted back. «It sure sounds that way, the way you've been talking!» I buried my face in my hands and sighed loudly, rubbing my temples.  
«James... You're drunk, and tired...» I said quietly. «I don't want to have a drunken argument with you. Just... go to bed. Sleep it off. We'll talk in the morning.» He stared at me for a long time with glassy, dark eyes, swaying slightly on the spot.   
«Fine,» he huffed then he tore past me and scrambled up the stairs. I sighed again and had a drink of water. I sat down by the kitchen table and fiddled through yesterdays paper, not really reading a single word. I was just passing time, trying to calm down. If I was honest with myself I was just waiting for James to fall asleep so I wouldn't have to argue with him any longer. After a while I filled a big glass of water and found some paracetamol and allergy pills, then padded upstairs. James was already asleep, mouth open and snoring like he always did when he was drunk. I placed the glass and the pills on his nightstand knowing he'd need them when he woke up, walked out and closed the door behind me. Not feeling like sleeping next to a smelly, drunken, snoring James I went to the guest bedroom. But it took a long while before sleep finally came.


	30. Chapter 30

When I woke up it was daylight, and James was sitting on the edge of my bed with his back against me. I wasn't sure what had caused me to wake up, if he'd tried to wake me or if he'd been there for hours. His hair was a mess of tangles and he was in just a t-shirt and his boxers. Out of habit I stretched out an arm and ran it down his back.  
«Hey...» I said groggily. He turned around to face me, leaning on one arm as he leaned over me, looking tired and sad.  
«You should go,» James said simply. My mind was still muddled by sleep. Go? What did he mean by that? Did he want me to leave? Was he throwing me out?   
«Go...?» I repeated stupidly.   
«Yeah, you should go to Rwanda,» he said mildly. All the hostility from the previous night was gone from his eyes. «I think you should go, take the chance... Accept the job offer.»  
«And... If I did that, what would happen to... us?» I asked quietly, sitting up slightly by leaning on my elbows.   
«I would be right here, waiting for you.»  
«Really...? I.. Why?» It was a stupid question, but the only one I could think of.  
«Because it's the only thing I can do. Because I love you. My hair will probably have gone white with worry, but I'll be here. Missing you,» he said, his eyes already full of longing. Then he patted my arm and made to get up from bed.   
«Hey, where are you going?» I asked, holding him back by seizing his wrist.   
«I thought you might not want me here... You didn't come to bed last night, but went here in stead...» he said unhappily.  
«Only because you were snoring like a trucker!» I said with a laugh. «Stay here with me? Please?» I desperately needed to hold him, and to my relief he slipped under my duvet and inched right up to me, resting his head on my shoulders. We wrapped arms around each other and I kissed his forehead.   
«I'm sorry about last night...» He mumbled.   
«Which bit?» I asked, knowing I was a little mean.   
«All of it. I'm sorry that I just... left. And for staying out so late. And getting drunk. And shouting at you. Mostly I'm sorry about that, I was... an arse.»   
«Hmm,» I agreed. «But at least you were an honest arse at, and I appreciate honesty. I didn't expect you to be exactly happy about it, but... The things you said last night, I wish you could've told me those things without being drunk.»  
«I wish I had, too. I'm sorry, I was...»  
«An arse,» I repeated and we chuckled a little. «But what made you change your mind?»  
«Because... I realised this is your dream, Emily. I've been so lucky in my life, I've gotten to fulfill so many of my dreams. Dreams are important, they're what makes us tick. If you have the chance to fulfill a dream, you should take it. I don't want to stand in the way of the dreams of the woman I love. That's not the kind of man I want to be.» At first I was stunned into silence, stunned by how amazing James was. Then I wondered if I truly would be able to go at all, to be away from James, even if it only was for three months. Or maybe six.   
«But...» I began, fighting with a bottom lip that was increasingly trembling again. «You're my dream, too, James,» I warbled. «Which makes this so fucking hard.»  
«But I'll be here when you come back, I'm not going anywhere» he said, leaning on one elbow and looking down at me. He gave me a long kiss, slightly ruined by the fact that he tasted of stale cigarettes. Then he rested his head on my shoulder again. «The water and the pills, was that you?»   
«No, it was the faeries from the anti-hangover task force,» I said dryly and rolled my eyes. James chuckled a little.   
«Thank you,» he said and kissed the skin on my shoulder. «You're too good to me.»  
«Sorry for going to sleep in here...» I shrugged, feeling like I also needed to make some apologies. «But you were snoring so. Very. Loudly. I swear the nearest seismograph wobbled.»  
«Ha-ha, funny woman...» he mumbled sarcastically.There was a long silence where I just caressed James' back lightly with my fingertips, enjoying his weight and his warmth against me. «When would you have to leave for Rwanda?» He mumbled drowsily.  
«Next monday, so little over a week...» I said quietly. «If I agree to go, that is. But I haven't decided yet.»  
«No?» James sounded surprised by this.   
«No, I haven't. And even if you've said it's okay, that you'll be here and support me... that doesn't make this any easier. Because going there would still mean being away from you. And right now I feel like I need a break from thinking about it, my brain has been in fifth gear since yesterday morning. I just want to... lie here and hold you. And sleep some more. Can we do that?» James didn't answer. He was already asleep with his head on my chest. I kissed his forehead and tried to relax, wanting to follow James into sleep. All this frantic thinking and all these emotions had made me exhausted, and I had slept very badly all night. The fact that James had said I should go, that he would support me and wait for me didn't change anything. I honestly thought that it would, that if I could just get him to understand and give me his blessing, making the choice to take the job would be an easy one. This meant I could have both things I wanted, didn't it? I could go to Rwanda, back to Africa and live out a dream I'd had for years. And I would have James waiting for me when I got back. But I found myself just as undecided and confused as I had been last night. Maybe even more so. I sighed loudly, deciding that if I couldn't make up my mind anyway I might as well sleep a little. Gently I slipped my hand under James' t-shirt, caressing the skin on his back. I focused on listening to his deep, slow breaths, and the comforting sound carried me off to sleep.

James was gone when I woke up, but I heard him clattering downstairs in the kitchen. It was late in the day and I had slept very heavily with James next to me again. The sleep had cleared my head a little, making it easier to think. But I still hadn't decided what to do. I stayed in bed, listening to the birds chirping and the city-noises, staring out at a blue May-sky dotted with fluffy, white clouds. The door opening tore me out of my preoccupied thoughts and I looked around just to see James backing into the room balancing a large tray.   
«Great, you're awake!» He exclaimed. Then he gestured with his head towards the tray. «Breakfast! Though it's more like lunch, really. » James carefully put the tray down next to me on the bed, then sat down. «I had a go at making your pancakes. I'm not sure how they turned out though...» he said a little apologetically, and sat down on the bed.  
«Aaw,» I crooned, looking at the stack of pancakes. The top one had a heart made out of banana-slices on it, and they looked absolutely delicious. James had showered and shaved, and put on a colourful, stripey jumper that made him looks absolutely delicious as well. «When did you become such a soppy romantic?»   
«When I met you,» he grumbled, pretending to be annoyed at his soppy self.  
«Aw,» I repeated, looking up at him gratefully. I was feeling so genuinely touched I felt a lump in my throat. «Thank you, sweetheart... This looks great!You know, I'm not sure anyone has ever made me breakfast in bed before.»  
«Then it was about bloody time,» he smiled, having a sip of his tea. Childishly I grabbed my phone off the nightstand, took a photo of the heart-pancake and tweeted it. James had gotten me into twitter earlier in the year, and I'd gotten addicted. We followed each other on there and occasionally tweeted each other, but it was mostly just poking fun at each other and nothing romantical. Because James and I had kept so quiet about our relationship during our first six weeks together, rumors of it had never hit the tabloids. Not even Jezza or Richard had known about it back then. Now they knew, along with people like Colin and my friend Cathy, but they also knew to keep quiet. James and I knew our relationship would become known some day and it would be written about in the papers. Being with James it was so easy to forget that he was part of a TV-show that had hundreds of millions of viewers around the world, that he was a public figure and that people would be interested in who he was dating. James often got off easy when it came to the tabloids, Jezza and Richard stuck their necks out much more than he did and they got a lot more attention in the media, whether they wanted to or not. Which suited James just fine, he preferred the quiet life. But both of us knew that when somoene got wind of the fact that James had a girlfriend, a woman who had even moved in with him, it would make the headlines. Hence we tread very carefully when it came to things like Twitter and other public places. Even so, I couldn't keep myself from proudly posting a photo of my heart-pancake.   
«Perfect man makes perfect breakfasts. #TheWayToAWomansHeartIsThroughHerStomach.» I put the phone down and dove into the pancakes, humming loudly. James watched me nervously, as if he was worried I'd spit them out again and exclaim how horrible they were. «I think you might be assigned new Pancake Chief,» I announced when I found the time to speak again. «How's that for a title? Captain Slow and Superior Pancake Chief!» I waved the fork in a complicated twirl. James chuckled, busy with his own food. «Is this your new tactic to try and convince me not to go to Africa?» I smirked, raising an eyebrow at him. «Coming in here all... fresh and handsome, making me romantic breakfasts in bed?» James looked up from his food, smiling at me a little sadly.   
«Mno, this is me just trying to apologise for yesterday... And, I've been gone for four days, I've missed you and wanted to do something nice, give you some attention...» I tilted my head and gave him a long, loving look.   
«Thank you, sweetie..» I said, tucking strand of hair behind his ear.   
«But if it was part of a tactic, would that work?» He asked hopefully.   
«Maybe,» I admitted. «You're not making it any easier for me, that's for sure.»  
«Good,» he nodded and stuffed the last bit of his pancake in his mouth.   
When we'd finished our breakfast I carefully pushed the tray to the far end of the bed and sat closer to James, wrapping my arms around him.   
«Thank you for an excellent breakfast,» I whispered in his ear and rewarded him with a long kiss. He didn't taste of stale beer and fags anymore, but of pancakes and maple syrup and tea.   
«There's something else I want to apologise for...» James said quietly.   
«What's that?» I ran a hand over his hair.  
«Last night, I... I said I hated being so dependent on you, that I hated needing you so much. And I don't, I don't hate it. But I'm not used to it, and it just makes me feel.. vulnerable. I guess I know what you mean now, when you talk about how scary it is to get so close to someone and feeling like you need them.» He looked down at his own hands as he fiddled nervously with them in his lap.  
«I know, James..» I sighed, running my hand over his hair again. «Feeling vulnerable, risking that you might be hurt or lose someone... That's the price we pay for bonding with people, feeling truly connected to them, for loving them and letting them love you back. But we do it anyway, because we need each other.» James looked up from his hands, his eyes found mine and he nodded a little. Then he leaned in and took my lips in a tender kiss.   
«Do you have any plans today?»   
«Me? No, no plans. I was hoping I could spend all day with you, really. I've missed you.» I buried my face against his neck, taking in the smell of his aftershave.   
«Good, I'd like that too.» I could hear in his voice that he was smiling. «What do you want to do today?»  
«It's such a pretty day outside, take me on a motorcycle ride?» I asked, looking up at him. James looked a little surprised. «If you want me on the back of your bike, that is.»  
«Yeah? You'd like that?» He asked a little incredulously.   
«Of course I would! My dad and brother had bikes, remember? I loved going on rides with them. As long as my brother kept both wheels on the road, that is,» I added with a shudder, reliving some traumatic memories.   
«I promise, absolutely no wheelies,» James chuckled and kissed my hair. When he spoke agian he sounded excited like a little kid. «That's a perfect idea, lets do that! But you need a helmet and some clothes. Everything I have is too big for you. I could check with Colin, maybe you could borrow his wife's gear, you two are about the same size. I think.» He fished his phone out of his pocket and quickly called Colin. They quickly arranged for James to drive over and pick up the things I needed, then he hung up. «I know this great route we can drive. It'll take about 4-5 hours, we'll drive almost down to Guildford, then through Dorking and right past Box Hill. We'll go nearly past Gatwick too, actually. We'll go as far south as Crowborough then drive up to London again. I've driven it a few times with Colin, its' nice.»  
«Sounds good,» I nodded. Seeing how excited and happy James was made me smile from ear to ear. «Do you think my arse can handle over 4 hours on a bike, though?»   
«If my arse can handle it, yours definitely can! Your arse is 22 years younger than mine!» He said firmly and I laughed. «We'll have some breaks along the way, stop somewhere and have some food, maybe. I better get going over to Colin's,» he said.   
«All right. I'll clear this up and have a shower while you're gone,» I said and gave him a peck on the cheek. In stead of getting out of bed as I had expected him to do, James wrapped his arms around me and laid back on the bed, pulling me on top of him. «This isn't how you get to Colin's,» I pointed out.  
«Shut up,» he smiled, burying both hands on my hair and pulling my face to his. He took my lips in a needy, drawn-out kiss that made my heart beat faster in my chest. I returned his kisses, feeling myself getting more and more carried away, slipping my tongue against his. Suddenly James stopped kissing me then sat up.   
«Going to Colin's now,» he said determinedly and got up from the bed. There was an evil, teasing smirk on his face, he knew exactly what he had started. I huffed with frustration.  
«Meanie,» I said, pretending to sulk a little. James saw right through me and chuckled.   
«Be back in twenty.» A quick kiss, then he was gone. I sighed, trying to clear my head and body of the want and need James' kisses had stirred in me. I brought the tray downstairs and tidied up, then had a quick shower, excited about going on our bike ride.


	31. Chapter 31

Half an hour later James returned with his arms full of motorcycle gear. He handed me the black helmet.  
«See if that fits.» I put it on and did the customary head-jiggle to check that it was snug and didn't wobble too much.  
«Not too big, fits perfect,» I said, my voice a little muffled by the visor, then took it off again.  
«You ready to go, then?» He asked, smiling excitedly. I nodded and he handed me the rest of the motorcycle gear. «Go to the garage, get these on. I'll be there in a minute, just going to lock up.» I stuffed my phone and my wallet in my pocket, grabbed my boots from the hallway and carried everything into the garage. I dumped the mound of leather onto the battered sofa and fished out the leather pants, pulling them on over my jeans grateful that they fit pretty well. Not having been in motorcycle gear for over 10 years I had forgotten how heavy they were, stiff and cumbersome to move around in. These even more so because they were made of leather, last time I had borrowed a Kevlar suit which had been a little lighter and more flexible. But I liked the leather a lot better, some how it made me feel safer. I sat down on the sofa and pulled my boots on, knowing they would be hopeless to get on if I put my jacket on first. James entered the garage just as I pulled the leather jacket on. He stopped in his tracks, staring me up and down.  
«... What?» I threw my arms out and looked at myself. «Did I put something on wrong?!» James laughed and shook his head.  
«No, not at all! It's just.. you look good in that,» he smiled, walking over to take down his own leathers.  
«In this?» I looked myself up and down, frowning.  
«Mhm...» He discarded his leathers on the sofa and slipped an arm inside the leather jacket, wrapping it around my waist. «It's very sexy. You are very sexy.» He smirked, leaning in to give me a kiss.  
«Is this going to cause so much distraction that you won't be able to drive? Your brain needs blood to function, you know.» I teased, returning the kiss. James quickly got into his own leathers while I wrapped a thin scarf around my neck and pocketed my phone and wallet. When James had decided which bike to take out of his little, private fleet of motorcycles, he opened the garage doors and pushed a white Triumph out into the street. I grabbed the black helmet and walked out into the street, suddenly feeling a little nervous. The leather creaked a little as I sat down on a low brick-wall section dividing James' driveway from the neighboring house, eyeing the bike a little suspiciously. Ten years had passed since last time I was on the back of a motorcycle. Had I really grown into a scared little wuss? A boring, careful adult? Was I in way over my head with my ambition to take the motorcycle license myself?  
«You all right?» James asked as he was closing the garage door behind him, locking it shut.  
«Hm? Oh yeah, fine. Just been a long time since I was on one of those. How do I do this, again?» I smiled.  
«Oh, you'll be fine, it'll come back to you. It's just like.. erm, riding a bike,» he shrugged. «Just... hold on tight and lean into the bends.»  
«I remembered that bit,» I smiled, feeling a little better. This was James, after all. Captain Slow, who could drive just about everything in the world whether it had two wheels, four wheels, wings or rotors. He knew how to have fun, but out of the three on Top Gear he seemed to be the one who was safer doing it. And I felt safe with James, I always did, and I knew he'd be careful with me.  
«I thought we might stop somewhere around Box Hill, should take about an hour and a half, it's nice down there. Just to check how your arse is doing,» he said with a smirk. I eyed him up and down, he looked sexy in his tight, black leathers, a bandana tied around his neck, hair blowing in the breeze.  
«I'm sure my arse will be just fine,» I laughed, pulling on the leather gloves. James hanged his helmet on the handle of the bike, straddled it and started it up, it was evident he had done this a million times before. The bike spluttered into life with a loud, low growl that made my heart beat a little faster, it sounded a little dangerous, a little angry, but beckoning me for adventure.  
«Hop on!» He shouted over the din of the engine. Just as I was about to get on I noticed that the little footrests intended for the passenger were folded up, and I unfolded them before getting on the bike while James kept us balanced. «Good girl, you passed the first test,» he said loudly over his shoulder.  
«I don't fancy melting my boots on the exhaust!» I shouted back, a little annoyed, and he gave me another one of those «you never seize to surprise me»-looks.  
«Listen, tap my shoulder twice if you want to stop for some reason, all right? Don't waste your breath shouting, we won't hear each other.». I nodded and smiled, then pulled on my helmet, closed the chin strap and clamped down the visor. My stomach was playing host to thousands of butterflies in wild flight, suddenly I was extremely nervous. I clapped my arms around James waist, clinging on for safety and comfort while he put on his own helmet. My stomach did another excited swoop as James gently pushed off and we drove slowly out of the little residential street. Through the first corner I had to fight my instincts, it felt so counter-intuitive to lean into a bend when your instinct told you to lean away from it to try and remain as upright as possible. Reminding myself we wouldn't fall over I did what I knew I was supposed to do, and by the next corner it felt easier. I had guessed that getting out of the residential area and out of London would be the busiest part, and probably the most chaotic and scary. I was right, there were cars and bikes and people everywhere, and I spent most of the first ten minutes with my eyes clamped shut, clinging on to James for dear life. As we got out onto the A3 the chaos and traffic eased up. Finally I managed to relax a little, loosen my grip on James and actually have a look around. It was a sunny, mild day in early May, the trees and grass was already green and the flowers were in full bloom. It was nice to leave the city behind, the concrete and tarmac and the masses of buildings, just having the open road in front of us, the scenery becoming more and more rural the further away from London we got. The feeling of freedom and the rush of adventure was unbelievable and I had no problems understanding why James and Richard loved riding their bikes so much. On our way down to Dorking and Box Hill I decided that I was definitely going to get my license after all. Before I knew it James drove us into a carpark at the bottom of Box Hill and came to a halt, turning the engine off. I got off the bike a little stiffly and took my helmet off, grinning from ear to ear.  
«Having fun?» James said with a satisified little smile, amused by my ecstatic face.  
«Yes!!» I said, nodding eagerly. James parked and got off his bike.  
«And the arse?»  
«Just fine,» I smirked.  
«I'll go get us some tea, you go sit down.» James gestured to the big field of grass at the bottom of the hill. It was a nice, sunny day and the hill was swarming with of locals and tourist making their way up the windy road leading up to the top of the hill. After a while James returned with two paper cups of tea and chocolate bars from the burger van across the carpark. He sat down stiffly next to me on the grass with a little groan, placing his helmet next to mine.  
«Am I an awful passenger?» I peered at him over my cup of tea.  
«What? No, no. You did seem to cling on like a petrified monkey for the first ten minutes, but after that you've been exemplary,» he chuckled.  
«I was a little scared at first,» I admitted. «But, like you said, you never forget. It's strange though, being on a motorcycle is this wonderful mix of excitement and sheer terror. It's scary because you're so vulnerable, there's nothing separating you from the cars and things around you, and if you should fall off there's nothing separating you from the tarmac apart from a thin layer of leather. And frankly that's a terrifying thought. In a car you have all sorts of gadgets helping you out, ESP and anti-lock-breaks, shock-absorbers and airbags. If you crash, you might have a chance of surviving. If you crash on a motorcycle, you're history. But then again, that's part of the excitement as well. You're much closer to everything, to the engine and all the moving parts, you get a much better sense of the machine you're using. Steering and cornering suddenly becomes fun. There's nothing to help you out, it's all you, you're in total control. If you screw it up, you're the only one to blame, so you better stay awake. But I like it, it's about freedom and doing what you want.»  
«See, you get it. Jeremy doesn't,» James said, shaking his head.  
«I thought Jezza had an epiphany in Vietnam?»  
«He had one, briefly. Personally I think it was just sunstroke. He got over it as soon as he got home,» James sighed.  
«It's one of those things where you either get it, or you just don't, I guess. I don't know Jeremy all that well, but my impression is that he just thinks motorcycles are uncomfortable, tedious, impractical and require way too much focus and physical labour.»  
«Your impression is pretty accurate,» James observed. «What bikes did your dad and brother have? Do you know?»  
«Yeah, I do. Well, my brother did a lot of dirt-biking in his teens, scaring the life out of our mum. Broke his collarbone doing it, too. I actually remember him giving me a ride around the block on it when I was like.. four, it's one of the very few things I remember from that age. He was very careful but it scared the daylights out of me nonetheless. Then in his twenties he bought himself this absolutely bonkers Suzuki, GSXR, over a thousand cc's. Completely mad. That's the one he did a wheelie on without warning me first. I nearly peed my pants. Then a few years later my dad and brother bought a Kawasaki together, I remember it was called something Ninja... ZX-6R or something? Anyway, I had a few nice rides with my dad on that one, but neither of them got to drive it as much as they liked so they got rid of it. You're only able to ride a motorcycle for three months out of the year anyway, the rest of it the weather is too bad. Plus, my dad never really like those sport racing bikes. «Plastic rockets» he called them, he didn't like the low driving positions on them. He'd be much happier on something like that,» I said, pointing at James' motorcycle. «One where you could actually sit up pretty straight.»  
«Emily, you can't talk like that, it turns me on,» James said in a quiet little hiss, shifting a little uneasily. My bike talk had obviously had an effect on him. Supporting himself on one arm he leaned in closer, brushing his lips over my cheek and down towards my ear. I squirmed, the light touch of his lips almost tickling.  
«You asked!» I pointed out.  
«Still, you should know better,» he mumbled against my skin.  
«James, there's people around...» I warned, trying to push him away, if a little halfheartedly.  
«Don't care.» In the little time we'd been sitting there I had noticed that James was attracting a lot of attention, even if no one had approached us to talk to him yet. Looking around I could tell that people were trying to surreptitiously stare at us, obviously wondering if that really was James and who he was with. I gave him a quick kiss and pulled away from him a little.  
«James, you better stop it, people are staring...»  
«I know, I know,» he sighed, pulling away from me and trying to arrange his face in an innocent, neutral grimace. «But I like it when you're strict,» he added, then chuckled loudly. If any passers by had been wondering if that really was James May, they didn't doubt it any longer – everyone knew that laugh. I shook my head exasperatedly at him.  
«You're impossible,» I laughed.  
«We should just make this public some day, though, get it over with. We live together, we're going to be seen together, it's inevitable. We might as well just try and get ahead of the papers for once,» James pointed out, turning serious.  
«I know, I know, we should. Can we just... wait until I have a job? Can you picture the headlines? 'James May dating 27 year old, unemployed woman.' Everyone will just think I'm this... golddigger!» I frowned, imagining just how evil British tabloids could be.  
«But.. Isn't that what you are?» James said, raising an eyebrow.  
«James!» I squakwed in affronted tones, trying to hit every part of him I could reach. He laughed loudly while mockingly cowering away from me, trying to shield himself from my weak punches. I could only imagine how this looked to the onlookers, us rolling around in the grass pretend-fighting and giggling.  
«Joking! Joking!» He shouted. I decided I had punished him enough and stopped hitting him. «Okay you're not a gold-digger, but you're bordering on abusive,» he snorted, opened his chocolate bar and had a bite. Amazingly my cup of tea had survived the kerfuffle and I had a sip. «Why didn't you ever get a motorcycle license?» James asked out of the blue.  
«Huh? Me?»  
«Yeah, I mean... Your brother and dad both had bikes. You seem to like bikes and you grew up around all sorts of motors. So why didn't you ever get a bike?»  
«Because... In Norway, everything is ridiculously expensive. Getting a license, road taxes, vehicle taxes, petrol, everything. And then there's the bad weather thing. It just seemed like such a huge investment considering the amount of time and fun I would get out of it.»  
«Ah. That makes sense, really. But you live in England now, weather is much better. Get it here?» He suggested, looking at me hopefully. I had to bite my tongue in an effort to look neutral and not give away the surprise I had planned.  
«Yeah, the thought has crossed my mind. We'll see, first I need to get a job and sort things out,» I said noncommittally, still struggling to keep a straight face. «Are you really sure you'd want me to start driving a motorcycle though? Wouldn't that just ruin the boys' fun playtime, having a girl along?»  
«Why does it have to only be the boys' fun playtime?» James argued.  
«I thought you wanted girls to be proper girls,» I maintained, giving him a teasing smile. «And not zoom around on motorcycles and play with the boys' toys.»  
«You are a proper girl,» he said. «With your makeup and your sexy underwear and your... breasts..» he added, letting his eyes pass over my chest.  
«You're getting distracted, May,» I said dryly.  
«Yes, I like when women act like women,» James admitted. «But that doesn't automatically exclude women from things like riding motorcycles. I would like it if you started riding a motorcycle. Not because I don't like having you as a passenger, but because I think you'd get bored of it very quickly and you'd have more fun driving yourself. And it would be nice to have a girlfriend who shared my interest and wanted to participate in that part of my life. I've never had that before.»  
«Aw, that's.. sweet,» I smiled, running hand over his cheek. «I feel for you, though, such boring girlfriends you must've had!»  
«Or maybe you're just particularly interesting,» he said with a cheeky smile. «Ready to get going?» He gestured towards the Triumph again. I nodded and awkwardly got to my feet, encumbered by the leather pants. 

I was surprised at how quickly time flew by and how much I enjoyed being on a motorcycle. The rush of wind, just driving for driving's sake, seeing more of England, I was loving it all. Before I knew it three hours had passed, and we stopped for a quick and easy dinner at a pizza place in Purley before starting on the last stretch back home. I was less than graceful when I stumbled off the back of the motorcycle 45 minutes later. My body felt stiff and a little battered, not used to the seating position or feeling so much of the surface of the road while driving. I actually felt tired, but a pleasant kind of tired, like after a workout. I drew a deep breath of fresh air when I got the clammy helmet off and unzipped the jacket. James tossed me the key and I opened the garage door so James could wheel the motorcycle in and I closed the door behind him. James parked and we both busied ourselves getting out of our motorcycle leathers. It was a relief to get out them, without them I felt oddly light all of a sudden. I folded the clothes away neatly and placed the helmet on top. Thinking I might make us some tea I headed for the door leading into James' house. Just as I touched the handle I felt James' hand around my wrist, holding me back. Before I knew what was going on I was flipped around and pinned up against the cold metal of the heavy, red industrial door. His hands were on my hips, holding me in place. He leaned in low, going straight for my neck, brushing his lips over the sensitive skin.  
«Where do you think you're going?» He asked against my skin in a low, gravelly voice.  
«Tea...» I squeaked feebly. My voice hitched in my throat as I felt James' wet lips, then his wet tongue caress my skin. Without thinking I wrapped my arms around him, tangling one hand into his hair.  
«Tea can wait...» He breathed. He slipped one hand from my hip down my thigh, taking hold of my leg by the knee and wrapping it around his own hip, pressing himself harder up against me. The warm, hard bulge pressing against me gave away how turned on he already was. He raised his head to look at me, his eyes hazy with arousal. «I've had your arms around me all day. Your legs wrapped around me, your knees pressed against my hips. Your breasts pressed against my back. And you've been wearing leather. It's been driving me mad,» he explained. I couldn't even bring myself to answer, my brain wasn't working. My chest was heaving and I was already breathing open-mouthed, transfixed by James' urgent passion. Suddenly everything he touched felt electric. «I know it's been on your mind, too,» he continued. «The way you've been caressing me while we were driving home. Your hands on my hips, on my thighs. It's been very.. distracting...» All I managed was to nod feebly, admitting that he was right. On our last stretch back home my mind had been wandering and I found myself reliving several sexy memories. Something about being on that motorcycle turned me on. I couldn't tell if it was the vibrations from the bike beneath me, or the way James seemed so in control and in charge of the situation when he was driving, or the fact that he was all in leather. Or maybe it was just the fact that it was a little dangerous. James mouth was on my neck again, urgent and needy.  
«Bed..?» I suggested, my vocabulary reduced to one-syllable words.  
«No time,» James huffed. He pulled back a little, but only to quickly pull my top over my head and off. As soon as it was gone he pushed me back up against the door, pinning me to it.  
«Oh fuck, cold!» I exclaimed in a high-pitched voice as my hot skin hit the ice cold metal of the door.  
«Shit, sorry,» he apologised hurriedly, stepping back to pull me away from the door. Already missing the contact I quickly closed the gap between us and cupped his head in my hands, pulling him in. I attacked his mouth with mine, sucking on his bottom lip, I was as frantic as he was now. Letting go of his head I moved my hands to his sweater, tugging at it, pulling it and the t-shirt underneath off in one go. Still kissing like we hadn't seen each other for years we stumbled across the floor towards the battered sofa. When James' legs hit the sofa he sat down and pulled me into his lap. I felt his erection beneath me even through his jeans and my own, trapped between us. My pussy was burning, throbbing, and I rubbed my hips against his over and over, grinding him. The friction I felt was enough to offer a little relief. James huffed and groaned into my mouth, his hands firmly on my bum, wanting to take control of my grinding. I knew James' cock would be almost painful by now, straining against his boxers and jeans. I moved my mouth to James' neck and trailed kisses down his collarbone and chest as I sank down to my knees on the floor between his legs. Kissing his stomach I began undoing his belt and jeans while I locked eyes with him, giving him my most naughty look. He sighed heavily with relief when I undid his jeans and his cock was freed. I pulled his boxers down enough to free him completely. I didn't do this often enough, I knew how much he loved it and I wanted to do it to him more often. I licked my lips and flicked a wet tongue over the glistening head of James' cock, still staring hungrily into his eyes. «What.. has gotten into you?» He panted, running his hand over my hair and entangling his fingers in it.  
«I could ask you the same, you started it,» I said with a crooked little smile. I wrapped one hand around his cock and pumped him slowly. «I don't know, maybe riding a motorcycle just turns me on.» I broke our stare and closed my eyes before closing my mouth around the tip of his cock, running my tongue around the head slowly. I heard James' sharp intake of breath and how he groaned throatily. Slowly I slid James' cock into my mouth, caressing his thighs all the while. I began bobbing my head, sliding him in and out of my wet, warm mouth.  
«Bloody Norah...» he said with a strained moan, his fingers still entangled in my hair. Instinctively he raised his hips up to me a little. I maintained a steady pace on his cock, pleased to hear James' moans and heavy breathing, and to feel him twitch with pleasure. «Emily, stop, stop, or I'm..» he said hurriedly. I stopped and slid him slowly out of my mouth, not ready for him to come just yet. James arms reached out for mine and he pulled me upwards. I crawled back into the sofa, standing on my knees straddling one of his thighs. The need to kiss him was a physical, painful one and I covered his mouth with mine again, kissing him feverishly. Clumsily James undid my jeans and impatiently pushed a hand into my panties, his hand felt almost cold against my fever-hot pussy. He didn't waste time and two fingers immediately found my clit and started rubbing it resolutely. I whinced against his lips and ran my hand over his chest and down his side. My head was swimming, all that existed was the throbbing heat between my legs and James' fingers against my clit. The pleasure rose quickly in me and I was surprised to realise that I actually could've climaxed this way, just grinding against James' fingers. His fingers slowed down and his hand disappeared from my panties. Looking into his eyes I could tell he couldn't bear it anymore, he needed me. Now. And I needed him. He tugged at my jeans and panties and I got up from the sofa, helping him. Then it was his turn, he raised his hips and I pulled his jeans and boxers down over his bum and pulled them off. Finally naked, at least naked enough, James pulled me back into the sofa and pushed me down on my back, coming to rest on top of me. His cock was against my pussy again, I instinctively rubbed myself against him and breathed heavily in his ear. I didn't know what to focus on, the wet lips sucking on the skin of my neck, the rough, strong hand kneading my breast or the friction I felt against my pussy. «Turn around,» James growled against my skin. I did has he asked without even thinking and turned over on my stomach. His hands took a firm hold of my hips, pulling me up on my knees. Raising myself on my arms I supported myself on the armrest of the sofa, more comfortable on all fours. I bit my lip and huffed in frustration when James rubbed the tip of his cock against my opening, teasing me. Impatiently I pushed back against him, desperate to have him inside me and I failed to stifle a moan as he made his way inside me.  
«Oh fuck, good...!» I whinced as he began thrusting in and out of me. My heart was hammering wildly in my chest and I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. We hadn't done this position before and right now it was extremely arousing. Being taken from behind felt a little naughty, it was kinky and animalistic and fit the mood perfectly. It felt new and exciting, in this position James' cock hit my G-spot, this was better than anything I had ever felt before. James' hand was on my sides, controlling the pace and angle. I pushed back against him as much as I could in search for more friction. James leaned over me, pushing himself deep into me and staying there, kissing my shoulder and the side of my neck. I reached around and dug one hand into his hip, keeping him deep inside me, enjoying the kisses. James' palm slid up my stomach and cupped a breast, kneading it while rubbing his thumb over my rock-hard nipple. Gently I rocked back against him and the tiny movement was just enough to make his cock brush up against my G-spot. But it wasn't enough, not nearly enough. I let go of his hip and supported myself on my arms again, pushing impatiently back against him. One of James' hands were still on my hip, with the other he pushed my upper body down towards the sofa. With the change in angle James came even deeper inside me, hitting my g-spot more sharply. James began thrusting faster and more sharply into me, chasing his climax now. All I could hear was our bodies pounding into each other and our loud moans and heavy panting. As if he read my mind he managed to wrap one arm around my waist and his fingers found my clit again. The sensation was so intense I thought I was going to climax instantly and I pushed myself faster back against him, moaning even louder. «Oh god, James, more...» I begged, feeling the orgasm somewhere just out of reach. He thrust a little harder into me and it was just enough to push me over and send me on my way towards a much needed release. I tried to warn him that I was coming but I didn't have any breath with which to speak. But James didn't need a warning, he knew anyway by how my legs began shaking and the way I clenched around his cock.  
«Fuck, Emily...!» He began, but my name just turned into a loud, drawn-out moan as he rode out his own climax. When James' moans subsided I slumped down on the sofa and James came to rest on top of me, his chest against my back. We were both heaving for air and I had a painful sting in my chest due to lack of oxygen. With every breath James took our sweaty skin slid against each other. Gradually we regained our breaths.  
«Are you.. okay?» James asked quietly, still slightly breathless. I was a little surprised at the question and craned my neck to look at him. He pulled back, giving me room to turn around underneath him. I rested my head against the armrest and looked down up at James with a tired smile.  
«Of course I am, why shouldn't I be...?» I ran a hand over his clammy forehead, brushing some hair away from his face.  
«I wasn't, you know... too rough with you?» He looked almost ashamed when he asked. It was like he had totally lost control for a moment and wasn't quite sure what had happened.  
«I wanted it. I wanted you to be,» I assured him, but he still looked a little tense and worried. «James, relax, I'm fine. Are you all right, though?» I asked, my mouth curving upwards in a little smirk.  
«I'm fine.» He smiled embarrasedly and blushed a little, then buried his face against my neck in an effort to hide his flustered face. I didn't quite know what he was embarrassed about, but I guessed it might be because he'd let go and just followed his animalistic instincts, and now he felt awkward about it. I kissed his sweaty forehead.  
«You know, that was... absolutely amazing,» I whispered against his salty skin, wanting to reassure him that he had nothing to feel embarrassed about. Sex had never felt more natural or safer than it did with James, and I wasn't embarrassed about anything we'd done, now or before. I loved the fact that I could just let go so completely as I could with James, and that he was able to do the same with me.  
«Mmh, it was,» he said and raised his head to give me a long kiss. «But now I think you might have to carry me into the house, I'm not sure I can move,» he added. I laughed loudly, imagining trying to carry a naked James anywhere.  
«If I tried that we would both get rather spectacularly badly hurt,» I chortled. James sighed heavily and sat up, pretending to be disappointed I couldn't carry him. My sweaty skin immediately felt cold in the chill of the garage. He fished his boxers out from the crumpled heap of his jeans and pulled them on, then found my panties and handed them to me. I sat up and kissed his chek. «How about that cup of tea, then?»  
«Sounds good.» I quickly pulled on my top, gathered the rest of my clothes and padded bare-legged through to the house. In the kitchen I deposited my jeans on a chair and set about making cups of tea. A few minutes later we curled up on the sofa and buried ourselves under a blanket. A silence descended over both of us as we sipped our tea, relaxing against each other. I still felt a little stiff and battered from the motorcycle ride, and what had come next probably hadn't eased that. But I felt happy, and content, and violently in love.  
«I've had such a good day,» I sighed happily. «You need to take me on more bike rides.»  
«Yeah? I have, too,» he smiled. «Of course, whenever you want.»


	32. Chapter 32

The phone rang once, then he picked up. I wasted no time and immediately started berating him, albeit a little teasingly.  
«James! Where are you? You're lost, aren't you. You've lived in this city for how many years, and you still manage to get lost?! You said you were supposed to be home by now!» I said exasperatedly into the phone.  
«No, you insufferable woman, I'm not lost,» he grumbled, and I could hear by the tone in his voice that he was not in the mood for me teasing him about having no sense of the direction. He sounded frustrated and annoyed. «Turn on the telly and you'll see why I'm not home yet.» In the background I could hear lots of different car-horns going off every now and again, it sounded like frustrated people stuck in a jam.  
«What's going on?» I said, my voice a lot milder. I pinned the phone between my shoulder and my ear as I found the remote and turned on BBC News. «Traffic jam? Accident?»  
«No, no...» He sighed. «Some idiot forgot their suitcase or something. Now all of Central London is on lockdown, the rozzers is convinced it's full of... nuclear warheads or the black plague. I'm stuck on Oxford Street, nearly at the corner of Hyde Park, total gridlock everywhere.» BBC News flickered into life, and words like «suspicious crate» and «possible terrorist attack» flashed across the screen.  
«Oh god..» I sighed, somewhere halfway between exasperation and worry. «Where was this supposed suitcase of death, anyway?»  
«Euston Station, I think.»  
«And it's gridlocked all the way to Hyde Park?» I asked, a little shocked.  
«They've shut down everything within the inner ring-road as far as I can tell,» he said with another heavy sigh. «I'm tempted to just leave the car and walk home, it would be faster!»  
«Bloody hell, they must be scared out of their black bobby-pants,» I said, staring at the telly wide-eyed.  
«I bet you anything it's just some plonker who decided to cause a bit of a faff and left the biggest suitcase he could find at a very busy station. When they get it open I bet it'll be full of.. pineapples or typewriters or worn-out workmans boots.» He was working himself into a rant and I chuckled a little at the mental image of a suitcase full of pineapples. Then I sighed heavily, becoming worried again.  
«I really hope it's nothing..» I ran my fingers through my hair nervously, feeling anxious.  
«I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll call you when things get moving again,» James offered and we said our goodbyes. He had been supposed to only be gone for a few hours, dropping off the motorcycle gear I had borrowed the previous day and then stopping by BBC to do some preparations for the first studio recording which was coming up on Wednesday. Now he'd been gone for three and a half hours. Typical, now that I had something to tell him. I stayed in the sofa, restlessly watching BBC News, waiting for something to happen. Half an hour later BBC announced that the «threat had been neutralized», which probably just meant that the suitcase had been opened and found to be full of someones mucky washing. Fifteen minutes later James called, letting me know traffic was moving again. It was nearly six pm when I finally heard James at the front door, taking off his shoes, depositing his keys on the table then walking in to the kitchen.  
«James, come here would you? I need to talk to you!» I shouted. He appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, looking harrassed.  
«Can it wait one minute? I've just been stuck in traffic for over two hours, I want a cup of tea..» He whined.  
«Okay, but be quick,» I said, feeling giddy with childish excitement. It seemed like hours before James reappeared in the doorway, now carrying a mug of tea. Eagerly I patted the seat next to me.  
«What on earth is going on?» He asked, smiling a little amused as he sat down in the sofa. I drew a deep breath, suddenly feeling a little nervous about what I was about to tell.  
«I'm... not going to Africa,» I said decisively. James face fell comically, that was not what he had expected at all, allthough what he had expected I couldn't even begin to guess. We had talked about it before going to sleep the previous night, knowing I had to either accept or decline the job offer the following day. I hadn't said anything definite, but the whole conversation had leaned towards me taking the plunge and accepting the job. Which was what James had expected me to do.  
«You turned it down?» He asked, a little horrified. I just nodded warily, gauging James' reactions. «Oh, Em.. You didn't turn it down just because you thought that's what I wanted, did you? Because that would make me happy? Because that won't make you happy, you'll just regret it and end up.. hating me and hating yourself, and...» James voice trailed off as he saw me trying to wave him down, shaking my head vigorously.  
«No no, it wasn't because of that,» I explained. «It was just.. this really strange thing. I was just about to pick up the phone and call Red Cross, thinking I was going to accept the job. And just as I touched my phone it started ringing. It was from Queen Charlotte and Chelsea hospital, I went there for an interview a few weeks ago. They wanted to offer me a job at the prematurity clinic,» I said, trying to keep a neutral voice.  
«Wasn't that the one you really wanted?» James asked, getting a little excited now.  
«Yes! I never thought I'd get offered that, not in a million years!»  
«And..?!» James urged, having completely forgotten about his cup of tea.  
«And I ...said yes. Right there, on the spot. Then I called and turned down the job in Rwanda.» Finally I could allow myself to smile a little, relieved that I had made a decision and followed it through. James stared at me, stunned and wide-eyed. «Say something?» I asked quietly.  
«I.. don't know what to say!» James said. «I'm just.. gobsmacked! I mean, I...» He sighed, giving up.  
«Are you worried that if you're too happy about this I'll get cross?» I asked knowingly.  
«A little...» he conceded ashamedly. «I mean... When I said that I would support you if you decided to go, I truly meant that. I would've waited for you and everything. But... Are you sure you've made the right decision?» I looked into his eyes for a long while, seeing the concern and care that was in them. This wasn't just about us, about our relationship, he cared about my own happiness as much as his own.  
«Yes, James, I'm sure. Queen Charlotte's is only a few miles from here. And I've always wanted to work at a ward like that. When I got that job offer, I just.. knew. I knew that this is where I'm supposed to be, with a job I like and the man I love.» I was grinning like a cheshire cat now, sensing how I really meant every word of what I was telling James. There were no more doubts left.  
«So you're staying..?» James repeated slowly, still taking it in.  
«God, I knew you were Captain Slow but how thick can you be?» I chuckled, pushing him back against the sofa and straddling him. «Yes, James, I'm staying. No travelling to Rwanda. I'm staying right here.» I ran my fingers through his hair as I talked, and he closed his arms around my waist. Seeing that I was smiling at him he allowed himself to break out into a wide smile.  
«I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy ...» He said with an apologetic shrug, still smiling.  
«James, it's okay to be happy about this!» I insisted. «I'm happy about this! And excited! So why shouldn't you be?»  
«I don't know, I... kind of feel like I made you stay,» he mumbled.  
«Don't be daft, James, you didn't make me do anything. You were even amazing enough to say it was okay for me to go, that you'd wait for me. And I know you meant that. But it made me realise I don't want to make you wait for me. I don't want to be away from you at all. I guess you were right after all, in the end,» I admitted, giving him a kiss on the nose.  
«Right? About what?»  
«That if I loved you I would stay. And I do, so I'm staying.»  
«I just hope staying won't make you unhappy,» he persisted.  
«James, stop being such a killjoy. Staying here won't make me unhappy, not in a million years. I have you, and now I have a new job that I'm incredibly excited about. And a little intimidated, but I'm going to worry about that another day.» James finally seemed to relax a little, settling for what I was telling.  
«Congratulations on your new job then, sweetheart,» he smiled and pulled me in for kiss.  
«Thank you,» I smiled against his lips, feeling giddy with relief and happiness.  
«When do you start?» he asked.  
«In exactly two weeks. But the head nurse said she might be able to get me some shifts by the end of this week, just training shifts so I can get to know the place. God, I have to get to the library, I need to dig out some books on pediatrics and premature babies now, I have to study!» I sighed, terrified and excited at the thought. James just studied me wordlessly, smiling a little to see me in my excitement and joy.  
«I'm glad you're staying,» James said honestly. «I know I said I'd wait for you until you got back, and I would have, but I'm not sure how well I would've coped with you being gone for months.»  
«I'm not so sure I would've coped all that well, either,» I admitted. «But now we don't have to think about it.»  
«You know, I have an idea. A few months from now, after filming Man Lab is over and we're done filming the studio bits for Top Gear, you and I should go somewhere. If you can get a few weks off work. Somewhere exotic and very far away. And preferably so damn hot that you will have to wear nothing but a bikini all the time... The Bahamas or Bali or Hawaii, whereever you want.» He smiled wider and wider as he talked, excited about his own idea.  
«That sounds absolutely.... perfect,» I sighed. «I'd love that.» I leaned forwards and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging James tightly. Whatever friction this job in Rwanda had caused between James and me had been over quickly, when he'd had time to adjust to the idea he was amazingly supportive. But even with his support the decision had weighed very heavily on me. First now that it was over and the decision had been made, I felt just how heavy it had been. I kissed James' cheek and sat up, looking down at him. «Everything ready for the studio shoot on Wednesday?» I asked.  
«Yeah, I think we're ready. As ready as we ever are,» he said rolling his eyes.  
«Can I come with you to the studio? I never got to come with you again after that first time. And I'm bored of being here alone.»  
«Of course,» he smiled. «It'll be nice having you there. And not having to drive alone.»  
«I won't be too much of a distraction?» I smirked, running a playful finger down his chest.  
«Not as long as you behave,» he warned, trailing my finger with his eyes. «You were a huge distraction the last time you were in the studio with me.»  
«Was I? How? What did I do, I just stood there! We weren't even together!» I argued, trying to think back to what I might have done.  
«True, we weren't together, and you did just stand there. But I was completely besotted with you and was very nervous and self-conscious. And on top of everything I let you drive that Aston Martin right before we started shooting. The sounds coming out of your mouth when you were in that car was very... very evocative, I couldn't get that out of my mind for days!»  
«Oh, right... That...,» I blushed, having a flashback to myself gripping the steering wheel of the Aston, licking my lips and moaning loudly. «Well, what can I say, driving that car was an almost sexual experience...»  
«... Yeah, I could hear that!» James chortled, his eyes glittering. «When I heard you making the same sounds in bed, I knew I couldn't be doing too badly.» At this I laughed loudly.  
«I'd prefer you over an Aston any day,» I said with a sly smirk, nibbling his bottom lip. «Or even better, you in an Aston...» I mused. «But how do we do this though, at the studio I mean? Do I stay completely away from you and... act like we're just friends?»  
«When the audience is around, that might be best..» he conceded. «But when it's just the crew around I don't care, I trust them.»  
«Okay,» I nodded. As long as I knew the rules I didn't have any problems staying away from James when we were in public.  
«Speaking of, I think you were right about people staring the other day at Box Hill...» He muttered a little embarrassedly. «Jez called me earlier, tipped me about a tiny piece in The Sun. Typical reader's tip thing, grainy mobile photo, 'spotted with unknown woman', the usual deal. I guess the rumors will start flying now, unless they already are.»  
«Really? Someone took a photo?» I was a little surprised at this. Was I really in the papers?  
«Everything has a camera these days,» James sighed.  
«I know that, I'm just not.. used to them being used against me,» I admitted, suddenly feeling a little paranoid.  
«Don't worry about it. You never know, maybe no one will be bothered and it might all be forgotten by tomorrow. But if it isn't, we'll just... make a statement or do something, make it publicly known and people will lose interest,» James said calmly. I nodded, immediately deciding to just trust his judgment. He was used to this, to dealing with media and press. I wouldn't mind us 'going public' either, but it would be a strange thing to know that people would know my name, how I looked and what I did for a living just because of who I was dating. «Now, what are we going to do to celebrate your new job? And the fact that you're not travelling halfway around the world?» James asked with a smile, obviously not worrying more about the subject.  
«Indian food, a few pints and a shag?» I said, chuckling at the brashness my own suggestion. James laughed loudly.  
«God, what am I going to do with you, you're so high maintenance! Not to mention quite the romantic!» he said, shaking his head with exasperation.  
«It doesn't have to be five course meals and poncy drinks for it to be romantic, does it? Being romantic is just about showing each other some attention and adoration, not about how fancy or expensive or extravang something is. Just because I prefer tikka masala and beer to caviar and champagne, does that make me unromantic?»  
«No..» James said, smiling a little at me. «It makes you pretty damn perfect. Come on, let's go out to eat, I'm starving.»


	33. Chapter 33

That Wednesday I followed James down to Guildford. Privately I was a little nervous all of a sudden. Last time I had visited the studio I had been there as someone who had helped out on a shoot once, and as James' friend. But strictly a friend. I wondered what rumors was flying around in the crew, especially after James' had just taken off from Cardiff. Did everyone know? Or at least suspect? Whatever they knew, or thought they knew, me coming down to the studio with James again would pretty much confirm it. When we entered the barracks serving as production office I was greeted enthusiastically by Andy and some of the other people I vaguely remembered from last time.  
«I had a day off, haven't started my new job yet, so I came along,» I smiled into a rather awkward silence. People were eyeing me and James a little curiously. Hammond bounded out the sofa and gave me a hug.  
«You have a new job?» He asked enthusiastically.  
«Yeah, at Queen Charlotte's Hospital, it's right by Hammersmith Hospital. Ward for prematurely born babies,» I smiled.  
«Wow! Congratulations! That like... babies who are born too early, right? Must be rewarding,» he grinned, excited as ever. James and Richard were ushered into make-up and then went to the studio to read up on their scripts, Jezza burst through the door half an hour later and joined their reading session. I meandered around the studio, chatting to people in the crew or drooled over cars. I snapped a photo of an Aston Martin Virage on display, quickly uploading it to twitter. «I would marry it and have its babies. #AstonMartin». Just as I pressed send I felt familiar arms close around me from behind.  
«Hello.»  
«Hello,» I smiled, stuffing my phone into my pocket and turning around in his arms.  
«You looked a little lonely,» he said, returning the smile. He pulled me in closer for a hug and just rested there, holding me against him. I closed my arms around him and buried my face against his jacket, completely forgetting that we were in a studio with crewmembers everywhere. James loosened his grip on me a little, but only to lean down and give me a kiss. A wolf-whistle came from somewhere in the depths of the studio. «Bloody teenagers,» James grumbled, rolling his eyes. I was surprised at this public display of affection, even though James had said he trusted the crew I wouldn't have expected this level of adoration from him at work. I gave him another kiss, nibbling teasingly at his bottom lip.  
«James, you do know I'm standing next to an Aston, right?»  
«Behave,» James said darkly, looking sternly at me. I just tossed my head coyly, giving him an evil smirk.  
«God, you look like a painted whore,» I said after having studied him a little, spotting the foundation and powder the make-up lady had forced on him. James duck-laughter rang through the entire studio.  
«I know..!» he said, still chuckling a little. «I hate this stuff. I better go, audience is about to be let in. Mmm, love you,» he said, giving me one last, lingering kiss then headed back towards Jezza and Richard at their little centre stage. I couldn't help but smile like an infatuated teenager as I watched him walk away, feeling giddy and in love. Jeremy's and Richard's laughs were ringing through the studio, I couldn't hear what they were saying but they were obviously taking the piss out of James about having gone all cuddly on me. A voice next to me almost made me jump out of my skin. Andy had sidled quietly up to me while I was busy staring at James.  
«I can't believe I was right,» he said a little smugly, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked in the same direction as I was.  
«Huh? Right? About what?» I looked around at Andy, confused.  
«At the hospital in Syria. I said James was in love, remember? I was right!» Suddenly I remembered how Andy had joked about James being in love with me for bringing him a cup of proper tea.  
«Lucky assumption,» I said, casting a side-long glance at Andy.  
«Pff, lucky my arse. I know James pretty well,» he said simply, and left it at that.  
«Yes, I guess you do.»  
«I heard you two made a little appearance in the tabloids the other day.»  
«Ugh, yeah..» I sighed, having temporarily forgotten about it. «That side of things is going to take some getting used to on my part.»  
«If you're both serious about it you should just make a statement,» he waved. «Get it out of the way. James certainly doesn't seem to mind everyone knowing,» he added pointedly, obviously having seen our little display of affection.  
«Well, I live with him now so... We're serious. We've talked about it, making a statement or something,» I nodded.  
«You've moved in?» Andy's eyes widened in surprise and I just nodded. «Blimey, that's...»  
«Fast? Unexpected? Unlike James?» I proffered.  
«Yes.» He nodded, agreeing to all of it. «But then again, I've never seen him so happy. And that makes me happy.» Then he just wandered off, immedately going back to his role of being a producer. It somehow felt like a big step, this statement, like announcing an engagement or something. It felt strange having to make a public thing out of being in a relationship, about having to confirm it and make it official for everyone. But it was either that or more rumors that would just lead to the press becoming so curious we'd get hunted down by paparazzis. During the actual recording I stayed right at the back, just silently watching, giggling with the audience at scripted and unscripted jokes alike. Every now and then I felt like someone in the audience were studying me a little too intently, and I felt myself become more and more paranoid. Did they recognise me from that grainy photo in the paper? Or did they just wonder why I stood so relaxed at the back, seemingly not fussed about what was going on at the center of the room. Before I knew it the shoot was over and the audience was ushered out. I had kept well out of the way, not wanting any more rumours and newsstories. James let me drive home, happy to just sit and not have to concentrate for a while. He'd taken the Ferrari down, and I was always excited about driving that, it was just as exhilarating as the first time he let me drive it on our roadtrip in January. When we hit the motorway James suddenly broke the silence.  
«Oh by the way, I got a text from my sister Sarah earlier, reminding me about this family birthday this weekend. My youngest niece turns.. erm... older...,» he finished vaguely, and I laughed.  
«Oh James, you really are a horrible uncle,» I teased. «You don't even know how old she is! Where is it, Bristol?» James was born in Bristol and had they had moved around a lot, but I knew some of his family lived in Bristol now and that Sara was James' baby sister.  
«Yeah, Bristol. Sunday afternoon, I said ages ago I'd come.»  
«Oh, okay. You have to go then,» I smiled. «How long will you be gone for? Are you staying the night?» James hesitated a little before answering.  
«Well, I was wondering if maybe you would want to come with me...?»  
«Me?» I said loudly in surprise, not having even considered the possibility that I would be a part of a May family birthday. «Well, of course I'd like to, but... It's a family thing, isn't it? Your sisters and brother and your parents.... Wouldn't I be a little out of place? I wouldn't want to impose or.. intrude...»  
«Well, yes, it is a family thing, but you're my girlfriend, I live with you, you're a big part of my life and I want them to meet you. Plus, I've met your entire family,» he said, rolling his eyes teasingly. «Parts of it in just my underpants!»  
«Yeah, I know,» I said, failing to hide a giggle. «Of course I'd like to meet them, they're your family. Just... Do they even know about me?»  
«Sarah knows I'm seeing someone, I think. She always knows when something is going on in my life, it's uncanny. Even if we just talk on the phone she can just... hear it in my voice, she has jedi mind tricks,» he muttered. I guffawed with surprised laughter.  
«James, I'm amazed you even know the term 'jedi mind powers'!»  
«I was 14 when the first Star Wars came out!» He argued and I raised my hands off the steering wheel for a brief second, showing my palms in a gesture of peace.  
«Okay, all right. Just... call them, will you? Let them know you're bringing me, check if it's okay with them?»  
«Yeah, I'll call Sarah later, let them all know you're coming,» he promised and put a hand on my knee. Silence fell as I grew anxious and worried about meeting James' family. Of course it was high time I met them, James and I were serious about each other and now we even lived together. I wanted to meet them, I was curious about his siblings and his parents, what kind of people they were and how they were as a family. And wondered if they would like me at all. Would they find it strange that I suddenly was living with James? And what would they say about our age difference, if anything at all? «You grew very quiet?» James suddenly pointed out.  
«Hm? Oh, sorry. Just... I'm a little nervous about meeting your family,» I admitted honestly.  
«Emily, I fell in love with you the minute I saw you. And so will they, don't worry.» His voice was calm and confident as he squeezed my knee comfortingly.  
«James, the first minute you saw me, you saw five of me and barely knew your own name,» I pointed out mildly.  
«And I fell in love with all five of you,» he said, knowing how cheesy he sounded. Suddenly a thought and a question popped into my head that I hadn't even considered until now, and before I could stop myself it fell out of my mouth.  
«You were dating someone for quiet a while after I moved to London, though?» I didn't even know what possessed me to bring this up. We had never talked about it before, the subject just hadn't come up and I hadn't thought to ask. I threw a quick, sidelong glance at James before flicking my eyes back to the road. He seemed a little surprised, but I was relieved to see no annoyance or anger in his face.  
«Yeah, I was,» he admitted with a regretful sigh. «It never was very serious, she was just... company and someone to distract me from feeling lonely and bored. Then I met you and everything changed. I wish I'd broken it off with her sooner, I kept seeing her when all I could think of was you, and that was unfair on her. I just hate disappointing people, I was worried I'd hurt her and didn't know how to tell her that I met... you.»  
«Was she the angry woman on the phone that night we made pizzas?» The question had been lurking in the back of my mind ever since that night.  
«Mmm,» he confirmed. «She was offended by the fact that I had chosen to spend one of my evenings off making food with a friend in stead of spending time with her. It didn't help that I somehow let slip that the friend I had over for food was a 'she'.»  
«Aaw, James, you absolute pillock,» I chuckled, unable to bite back a laugh. «No wonder she was a bit cross.»  
«I didn't care that she was, because you were there and I had such a good evening. It was you I wanted to spend my time with anyway, not her.» James hand found mine where it rested in my lap, and he interlaced his fingers with mine. We drove the rest of the way home in a comfortable silence. I didn't care that James had been dating someone, at the time we had just been friends and they had broken it off before James as much as kissed me. Privately I felt a little smug about what James had said, how I'd changed everything and how he'd thought about only me. Then I remembered the family birthday and began worrying again.  
«You've bought your niece a gift, haven't you?»  
«Oh cock,» James said loudly, frowning. «What the hell do you even buy for a ... little girl?»

 

«Emily, breathe.» I felt James' hand come to rest at the small of my back. I shifted my weight uneasily from one foot to the other, exhaling heavily, completely on edge. The entire day I had been a ball of nerves, running around the house like a maniac and trying on twenty different outfits. In the end James threatened that if I changed clothes one more time he was going to lock me in his garage. In an effort to soothe my nerves he'd let me drive to Bristol in the hope that it would give me something else to concentrate on. It had helped, at least a little. But now, as I found myself by the front door of James' sister's house, the nerves came back with full force. «Everything will be just fine.» James leaned in and nuzzled his face against my cheek, kissing it lightly. Just as he did the front door tore open and a blonde woman whom I guessed was one of his sisters just by family resemblance stared at us.  
«Ooh, hello,» she said with a meaningful smirk, eyes darting between the two of us. I blushed furiously and wanted to dive into the nearest bush.  
«Hello, Sarah,» James said with a sigh of brotherly exasperation. «Sarah, meet Emily. Emily, meet my younger sister Sarah.» We shook hands and she smiled widely at me.  
«Come in, come in!» She waved us inside eagerly. The house was filled with voices and laughter and that typical scent of coffee that permeated all family gatherings. Just as the door closed behind us two girls came running from another room, obviously busy playing chase.  
«Hi uncle James!» The younger one said loudly, waving at him as she was about to run past. Then she stopped in her tracks so abruptly that the one chasing after her knocked into her. «Uncle, who's that?» She asked, pointing at me.  
«Oh, this is Emily, she's my.. um...» James began, not quite knowing how to tell his nieces who I was.  
«I'm Emily, I'm his girlfriend,» I said with a smile, knowing full well that these girls were old enough to know what a girlfriend was. They stared from James to me, then to each other with wide-eyed awe and horror.  
«Uncle James has a girlfriend?!» The older one said with a frown, somewhere between disbelief and genuine surprise. It was obvious that they were used to think of Uncle James as the eternal bachelor. The younger one dove into the living room.  
«Hey, guys, uncle James has a girlfriend!» She announced loudly, still with that tone of disbelief.  
«Yes, darling, we know,» Sarah said, managing to sound both stern, exasperated and amused. I giggled as I trailed after James into the livingroom, but bit my lip to try and hide it from the girls. «I'm sorry...» Sarah began embarrassedly.  
«Oh don't worry about it,» I waved her down with a smile. «Kids will be kids.» I did the rounds, shaking hands with everyone, desperately trying to connect names to faces. His sisters, his brother and his parents I could remember, but the spouses and children were just a blur. I felt awkward and flustered as they all stared at me, studying me intently, I felt like a circus seal and they were all waiting for me to balance a ball on my nose. Gratefully I sank down on a chair and tried to relax a little, focusing on my cup of coffee. They resumed their banter, but I knew that sooner or later the conversation was going to focus on me again. I kept quiet, happy to just sit and be left in peace. In a dip in the conversation Sarah looked pointedly at me, then cleared her throat.  
«So Emily, I seem to remembar James saying something about you not being from England?» She asked, eyes narrowing as she looked at me.  
«Oh god, can't you hear that I'm not?» I raised my eyebrows in surprise. «I'm from Norway, actually.»  
«And how did you two meet? James hasn't told us anything!» James' mum asked, eyes flitting between her son and me. All eyes turned towards us and the blush crept up my neck again. I looked up at James pleadingly, hoping he would tell the story.  
«Well, I.. Remember that Top Gear episode when were in the Middle East? When I fell over and hit my head a bit?» He began.  
«Oh god, don't even mention it!» James mum squawked loudly. «I absolutely hated seeing that, it looked so awful! You could've gotten badly hurt! Or died!» She continued, looking genuinely distressed. James raised a hand in an effort to calm his mother.  
«You should thank Emily that none of those things happened,» James said. He sent me a look filled with someone I couldn't quite define, was it pride? Was he proud of me? «She was the nurse who took care of me at the hospital in Damascus. She was there doing humanitarian work at the hospital with um.. Red Cross, was it?» James looked sidelong at me and I nodded. «After leaving Syria she moved to London to study some more and work as a nurse, and we... Kept in touch,» James finished, thinking the rest of the story sort of told itself.  
«Syria? You went there to work? God, I never would've dared that, that sounds so dangerous!» James' mum observed.  
«Study? What did you study?» James' elder sister Jane looked at me interestedly.  
«I wanted to get a diploma in tropical nursing. Most humanitarian organisations require that health workers have it if they're to work in third world countries. I decided to take it here as it was part-time and not as expensive as in Norway. I've completed it now, though.»  
«Tropical nursing?» Jane repeated,  
«Yes, it's about tropical diseases, parasites, vaccinations and medication, prevention of HIV, malaria and other diseases, sanitation... It's related to travel medicine. Seeing as more and more people travel to exotic places and we get more and more immigrants, it's a useful field to know something about. Even if I never go back to Africa or Asia to work.» Stop ranting. Emily, stop ranting right now, you're boring them out of their skulls.  
«Sounds interesting!» Sarah said, and I was relieved to hear a note of sincerity in her voice. «You mentioned Africa – have you been there too?»  
«Well, yes...» I said hesistantly. «That was ages ago, I was 19, I went with this microfinance foundation. Went to Kenya and Uganda, visited slums, orphanages, centres for street kids, children's prisons..»  
«Prison for children? How awful!» James' mum gasped. I knew to pause at this part, someone always commented on the horror of a children's prison.  
«Well, yes,» I sighed, trying not to remember it too vividly. «The whole trip was an eye-opener, really gives you some perspective in life.»  
«God, I can imagine...» Sarah breathed, eyes wide. «And now? Are you working as a nurse in London?»  
«Yeah, I'm just starting a new job next week,» I said, smiling as I remembered that I had gotten such a great job. «It's at a prematurity clinic a few miles north of Hammersmith.» The women around the table drew heartfelt sighs at the mention of prematurely born babies.  
«Nurse, humanitarian work, Red Cross, slums in Africa, premature babies.. James, you're dating Mother Theresa!» David said and gave his brother a teasing smile.  
«Oh god, no I'm not,» I said shaking my head and biting back a laugh, feeling myself growing hot around the ears again. «I just... I like helping people,» I finished humbly.  
«She's good at it, too,» James said and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. «She took very good care of me in Syria. I had such an awful day, nearly cracked my head open, it was too bloody hot and dusty and you wouldn't believe the headache I had. Then she walks in, hands me a cup of tea and just like that, everything is all right. And not just any old cup of tea, it was PG Tips!» He caressed my upper arm. The love I saw in James' eyes made me forget that his whole family was watching us and I returned the look, smiling a little.  
«Aaw, you two are just too cute!» Jane said, clapping her hands excitedly. It was James' turn to blush a little. The May family considered themselves done with the interrogation for now, and I drew a sigh of relief. James sensed it and squeezed my shoulders a little before letting me go. The rest of the afternoon went by with the blowing of candles, the eating of cake and the unwrapping of presents. I was quite happy to just sit back and keep to the background, taking part in the conversation whenever it felt natural. The kids were loud and silly, high on sugar and enjoying the attention from their entire family. As the afternoon passed I felt myself loosen up a little, the atmosphere around the table was relaxed, full of laughter and happy banter. Oddly enough it made me miss my own family. Eventually James worldlessly held out his watch for me, showing me the time and we quietly decided it was time to get back to London. The family protested loudly until they heard my excuse of having my first shift at the hospital the next morning. James' mum caught us up while we were in the hallway, having just put on our shoes and jackets.  
«James, dear, I almost forgot, I made you fruitcake!» She said a little breathlessly, shoving a plastic container into his hands. Once again I had to bite my lip not to laugh, remembering how James had been complaining over Christmas about his jeans getting too tight. But I also knew how much he loved his mums' fruitcake.  
«Thanks, mum,» he said gratefully, and for a moment I could clearly see them as mother and son. Then she turned her attention to me, putting a hand on my shoulder.  
«Oh and Emily, sweetheart, it was so nice meeting you,» she said in that sweet, motherly fashion only mums are capable of.  
«Aw, thank you, Mrs. May...» I said a little flustered, growing hot around the ears again. «It's been really nice meeting all of you, too.»  
«Good luck at your first shift tomorrow, too,» she added, and I froze up when she gave me a quick hug. Then she wrapped her arms around her son. «James, get her home safely!»  
«Captain Slow, mum!» James reminded her exasperatedly, patting her back. She waved us out the door and we got into the car, wordlessly agreeing that James was driving home. It took about two minutes before the silence had driven me up the wall.  
«James, say something!» I said abruptly. James jumped in the driver's seat.  
«About what?» He asked, genuinely having no clue what I was so worked up over.  
«Your family! What do they think about me? How did I do? Did I act like an idiot?!» I babbled. James gave me a quick, sidelong glance. Then he broke out laughing, loudly and sincerely. I played back what I had just said in my head, realising I had sounded like an absolute nutter.  
«I'm sorry, I'm just a bit on edge...»  
«Neurotic, more like. I thought I was neurotic!» James said, still laughing. I tried to laugh with him, but the laughter died quickly in my throat. «Since when do you care so much about being liked?»  
«James, they're your family! Of course it matters what they think about me!»  
«I love you, that's what matters,» he said stubbornly.  
«Oh goooood,» I whined, leaning forwards and wrapping my arms around my knees, hiding my face. «It went that badly?»  
«Oh Emily, stop being ridiculous.» I felt James' hand on my back, stroking it gently. «That wasn't what I meant at all. Of course they liked you, why shouldn't they?» Encouraged by this I sat up again, looking over at James.  
«You think?» I bit my lip insecurely.  
«Yes, I think so. My mum definitely liked you. Awfully nice as she is, she isn't in the habit of calling people she's just met for 'sweetheart'.»  
«I noticed that. You call me sweetheart,» I smiled, feeling a little better.  
«Because that's what you are. See, even my mum could see that.»  
«You're awfully cute when you're all... mushy,» I said, running a hand quickly over his cheek. «But thank you.»  
«You were awfully quiet, though?»  
«Yeah, I just... I do that when I meet new people, I kind of need to... get a feel for people. And I hate to be thought of as an awful chatterbox.»  
«When I met you, you couldn't stop talking!» James teased.  
«I had to keep you awake or you would have died,» I said flatly and he chuckled.  
«Stop worrying, Emily,» he said, patting my knee gently. «You think far too little of yourself, you always have.»  
«You're right though,» I admitted, lacing my fingers with his. «You love me, and that is the important thing. And I love you.» I rested back against the seat and closed my eyes, feeling relieved that the meeting was over and reassured by James' words. Before long I was asleep.


	34. Chapter 34

During the next week I had three training-shifts. The goal of them was to learn the ward, as every ward has different practices and routines. Shifts like these were always so crammed with information and new people that they passed in a flurry, and by the end of the last one I felt as confused as I had on day one. But I also felt excited, happy to get some experience in a new field, one that I was truly interested in. James was busy planning and writing scripts for his new season of Man Lab, filming was set to start next week and were to last for a month. And on Wednesday he had the Top Gear studio shoot which would continue until early August.  
James announced that Richard and Jeremy was coming over that sunday, they were having some food and beers and was going to watch the Top Gear broadcast. Apparently they did that every now and then. I offered to clear out and find something else to do if this was a blokes' night, but James insisted that I was welcome to watch it with them if I wanted to.  
I was sprawled on the sofa when I heard Jeremy and Richard arrive. Fusker had curled up and was asleep on my chest, his head poking out of the blanket covering both of us. James had gone to greet them, and I heard them trail into the kitchen, organising the food and beer. I didn't move to help them, far too comfortable and warm under the blanket. Richard was the first to arrive in the living room, carrying a sixpack of beer and cutlery.  
«Emily? You asleep?» He asked in a carrying whisper, worried he would wake me up.  
«Yes.» I said simply, eyes closed. I heard him sit down in an armchair and cracking open a beer, deciding to let sleeping women lie. More footsteps approached as the other two entered the living room.  
«Emily, you have visitors! Sit up, be hospitable and act like a lady!» Jezza ordered.  
«No, I shan't. I'm too comfortable. And if you try to force me, I will have Fusker claw your eyes out. Or your balls off.»  
«I wouldn't push it, I wouldn't put it past her to have taught Fusker the kill-command,» James warned. «See what I have to live with?»  
«Oh all right, all right,» I huffed, removed the blanket and sat up. Fusker meowed his accusatory, sad 'you woke me up'-meow and jumped off the sofa. «Just know that you have dismayed the cat,» I warned. James placated me with food and beer which quickly made me forget how sleepy I was. Top Gear came on at seven, and I only half paid attention to the first piece, which was one of Jezza's car reviews. My mind kept wandering, tomorrow was going to be my first proper shift at the ward and I was nervous. Privately I kept going over the things they had told me, over and over. The piece ended and I snapped out of it, the news were coming up and I always enjoyed that bit. It began with Richard beginning to talk about a new Porsche coming out, but Jezza broke him off.  
«No, no, no, shut up. I have something much more important to say,» he exclaimed importantly, waving is hand at Richard, who shut up. As silence fell, the camera focused on Jeremy. «Actually, I have a bit of a love-story to tell.» The audience aaw'ed. «And no, this time it isn't about the love between a middle-aged man and some useless piece of scrap.» A picture of Richard and his Oliver flashed over the screen. The camera cut to Richard, who sat fiddling with his own fingers, looking embarrassed. Then it cut to James, whose utter confusion was etched all over his face. Jeremy continued his little monologue. «As some of you might remember, last season James fell over and hit his head pretty badly when we had a bit of a drive around the Middle East.» At the mention of this I sat up a little straighter. On the screen the clip of James' accident was shown briefly while Jeremy still talked. «Seeing as James was even stranger than usual when he came to, we thought it best to take him to a hospital. And it was at the hospital that the miracle happened. James met a girl!» My mouth fell open as I saw the photo of me and James on the stairs of the hospital in Syria appear on the screen. There I was, sweaty and messy and in my work clothes. How many people watched Top Gear on a regular night? I cringed just thinking about it. My mouth were still open and I tried to make noises, but nothing came out and I didn't know what to say anyway. The shock had made me feel cold, like everything had stopped working on the inside. I looked quickly over at Jeremy and James, who were both far more interested in watching my reactions than actually watching the telly. My eyes snapped back to the screen when I heard Richard's voice coming from the telly rather than Jeremy's.  
«Emily was the very sweet nurse who took care of James at the hospital while she was there working with the Red Cross. She moved to London a few months later to study some more, and they kept in touch.» A new photo came onto the screen, this time the one with us hugging on the stairs. The audience aaw'ed again. «Now, normally we don't comment on this sort of thing on Top Gear, but rumors have been flying everywhere and since Emily and James share the common personality trait of being slow, we thought we might take matters into our own hands,» Richard finished. The camera cut to James again, who was now squirming in his chair, torn between shock, good-humored annoyance and embarrassment at what was going on. Then the camera cut to Jeremy again.  
«And frankly, this is just too staggering not to make a big deal out of. Great news, ladies and gentlemen, despite everything we have ever suspected about him: James May HAS A GIRLFRIEND!» Jeremy shouted, and the camera cut to James again who was busy hiding his bright-red face in his hands, but I could tell that he was laughing too. Obviously James had known nothing about this little stunt Jeremy and Richard was pulling, and he had no chance of trying to remain his calm, composed self. The whole studio erupted into cat-calls, jeers and cheers as yet another picture came on the screen, one that I vaguely remembered Richard taking of James and me at the Christmas party, but I had never seen it after that. We were standing next to each other, closely, James in his black suit and bow tie, me in the blue dress. James had his arm wrapped around my lower back and we looked like a couple, even if we hadn't been at the time it was taken. I was relieved to see that I looked a whole lot better than on the first photo. We both did. The audience's cheers wouldn't let up, and in the end James got out of his chair and did a self-ironic little bow.  
«Yes yes, thank you, now can we please move on and talk about some cars?» James mumbled as he sat down. The segment was over and they got into the normal news. Suddenly I felt how three pairs of eyes were burning a hole through me. I looked from one to the other, trying to keep a neutral face and not give away what I was thinking about this little stunt. It was obvious that they were terrified of how I might react to it.  
«Now, before you say anything, I would like to make it absolutely clear that I had no idea about any of this,» James began, raising a finger in the air. «The surprise you saw on my face was completely genuine. I am NOT that good of an actor!» Wordlessly I turned to look at Jeremy, waiting for what he had to say in his defence.  
«The way you two were behaving in the studio last week we thought you wanted everyone to know! And with the rumors and the tabloids it was just a matter of time anyway,» Jezza said stubbornly, trying to keep his ground. I narrowed my eyes menacingly at him and he cowered. «It wasn't my idea, it was Richards! He had the photos!» Jezza flailed in his chair, gesturing wildly to Hammond at the other end of the table. As I shifted my focus to Richard he began spluttering incoherently. Then he turned on Jeremy.  
«Aaw, Jeremy! You spineless coward! She's going to kill me now! Or get the cat to do it for her!» Looking at the three men who now seemed to be bracing for impending doom, I cracked and broke out laughing. Suddenly the absurdity of the situation hit me. My relationship with James had suddenly been made public. On the BBC. During prime time. Millions and millions of people had seen it, and it would be all over twitter and youtube in a matter of minutes. And I wasn't angry about it, I couldn't be even if I had wanted to. James and I had talked about it anyway, that we needed to make it official somehow, we just hadn't gotten around to do it yet. Richard maybe had a point there, we were a bit slow sometimes. This way we had at least 'beaten' the tabloids with the big reveal. And I thought it was a fun and rather creative way of doing it.  
«That can't be a good siiiiign...» Jeremy droned, looking terrified. «Should we run?»  
«So this is why you came over here to watch the show tonight!» I chuckled, suddenly coming to the realisation myself. «Oh, relax, I'm not angry.» I waved my hand airily.  
«No?» All three men said simultaneously with the same wide-eyed expression.  
«No, not really. It was a bit of a surprise, granted. But it needed to be done and this was a good a way as any to do it. And I didn't have to say or do anything!» I smiled.  
«Seriously?» Richard asked, raising his eyebrows.  
«Yes, seriously. James and I met because of Top Gear, so that seemed like a fitting way to do it, really,» I shrugged. They were all still eyeing me warily, still on edge. «Aaaw, guys, you've really been worried about this, haven't you?»  
«Yes!» James was the first to open his mouth. «I didn't know about this and I had to sit through the entire news-bit while trying to work out what the hell just happened. At first I tried to get them to cut that bit out and they could have, but... I don't know, I kind of liked it, too. When I got over the first surprise.» James looked at me a little apologetically. I wrapped an arm around his neck and gave him a reassuring kiss.  
«Don't worry, I'm not angry. Frankly, it's a bit of a relief. Absolutely everyone knows now. End of.» James smiled into the kiss, relieved and happy.  
«Hey, where's my kiss, it was my idea!» Richard protested.  
«Hands off, Hammond,» James said darkly, wrapping his arms protectively around me.  
«Oh shut up all of you and get me a beer,» I smiled. Relieved that I hadn't gone through the roof, the boys relaxed again. We finished watching the show and after we turned on some music and just sat around talking. 

It was only 10pm when I yawned widely and announced that I needed to go to bed, as I had an unusually early call the next day. I told Jeremy and Richard that they were welcome to stay for longer if they wanted to, I didn't mind the noise and there were more beers in the kitchen. «I'll be up in a few minutes,» James said quietly in my ear. «Wish you goodnight.» I nodded and gave him a quick kiss before saying goodnight to the boys and heading upstairs. The beer had made me fuzzy and warm on the inside, I felt enjoyably relaxed and less worried about the shift the next morning. Maybe I would actually get some sleep now. I always slept better when I heard people in the house, music and chatter and laughter. Remembering that James had said he would come upstairs to say goodnight I had a mischievous moment and undressed, slipping completely naked under the covers. A few minutes later I heard James coming up the stairs. The bedroom was dark and I kept my eyes on the doorway which was lit up from the hallway.  
«Hi, baby,» I said quietly when he appeared in the doorway. He made his way across the floor in the dark and sat down on the edge of the bed.  
«Hello,» he said and he looked at me through what little light was coming from the corridor, running his hand over my forehead. «You sure you're all right, Emily? I mean, with the whole news-thing?»  
«Of course, James. I meant what I said, I'm just relieved about it. And, rather happy that they showed at least one picture of me where I look decent!» I added.  
«You're amazing, do you know that?» He said quietly.  
«Mno. Tell me again,» I said with a smirk and wrapped my hands around his neck, pulling his face down to mine.  
«You're amazing,» he breathed against my lips before kissing me slowly. I hummed into his kiss and moved over, pulling him down into bed. James tried to resist, but very half-heartedly. Getting carried away by my kisses and the way I was caressing his neck, he slipped an arm under my duvet and ran a palm slowly down my back and over my hip. Then his hand froze. «Emily.»  
«Mm?» I said, still nibbling at his lips.  
«You're naked.»  
«Mm,» I hummed, ignoring him while trailing kisses along his jawline and down his neck. At the same time I slid my hand down his body and slipped it under his shirt, caressing the skin on his lower stomach.  
«And we still have visitors. Whom you invited to stay longer, I might add,» he continued in hushed tones. I kept kissing and licking the skin on his neck while slipping my hand inside the waistband of his jeans, rubbing my palm against his cock which quickly grew harder under my touch.  
«I want you,» I breathed heavily into his ear and pressed my naked body up against his.  
«Couldn't you have told them to leave?» James replied, his voice hitching in his throat as I rubbed my palm a little harder against him.  
«This is exciting,» I whispered, quickly undoing his jeans and slipping my hand into his boxers, wrapping my fingers around his warm cock. Slowly I rubbed my thumb over his sensitive head in circles and I heard James draw a sharp breath. Encouraged by this I began moving my hand up and down his cock, pressing my body even closer up against him. From downstairs I heard how Jeremy and Richard were talking loudly and then burst into laughter. Hearing them downstairs, knowing they were in the same house and could catch us at any moment turned me on immensely. James had barely touched me and already I was breathing heavily, writhing against him. «Listen to them, they're busy having fun. We can be quick...,» I continued enticingly, still pumping him resolutely. I ran my thumb over his head again, making him wet with his own precome.  
«Of fuck it,» James hissed, unable to withstand it anymore. He tugged the covers away from me and pushed me roughly over on my back. He followed quickly, pulling frantically at his own jeans and boxers to get them out of the way. I slid my hands down his lower back and over his bum, helping him pull the boxers and jeans down to his thighs. Finally freed from his clothing I felt his hard cock pressing against me and I dug my fingertips into his hips and pushed up against him, feeling him slipping inside me. James let out an involuntary moan then covered my mouth with his in an effort to silence himself. His kisses were completely different now, primal and frantic like his thrusts. I redoubled my grip on his arse, arching my back to raise my hips even more up against him. We had nothing in mind but trying to make each other climax, both way past the point of being able to stop ourselves and knowing we had to be quick. I was on edge, listening to any signs from downstairs that they might suspect something; voices, steps, anything. But the risk we were taking felt elating, a thrill I had only felt once before during a very drunken shag in an elevator. We had both been too drunk to thoroughly enjoy that, but we weren't this time. It was becoming harder to stay quiet, the urge to moan loudly was growing. Needing to do something about that urge I hissed quietly into James' ear.  
«God, James... Fuck. That feels so fucking good. You feel so fucking good inside me.» James let out another involuntary moan in response to my dirty whispers and buried his face against my shoulder. His thrusts became faster and more erratic. I was surprised to discover that my own dirty-talk turned me on even more, heightening the pleasure. So I kept doing it, barely aware of what I was whispering. «More, James. Fuck me harder James. Please. I'm going to come so hard on you. You're going to... make me.. come...» Whispering was becoming nearly impossible as the orgasm drew nearer, all my focus went into maintaining the friction between us and trying to keep quiet. James slipped a hand around me and grabbed hold of my bum, grinding frantically against me in an effort to push himself over the edge. I dug one foot into the mattress and bent the other leg, raising it towards my own body. The slight change in angle was enough to make me come with a few more thrusts. I buried my face against James' shoulder, desperately trying to silence myself and I seized up in my climax, digging fingernails deeply into James' shoulderblades. I felt James' teeth against my skin as he followed me into orgasm, shaking and twitching against me. The orgasm peaked and washed away far too quickly, like I knew it would, but it still left me feeling content. I had wanted James, wanted him for a quick fuck, and that was exactly what I had gotten. In the silence that followed while we were trying to catch our breaths I listened intently for sounds from downstairs. For a moment I had completely forgotten about Jeremy and Richard downstairs, totally lost in James and my search for release. Laughter and music flowed from the living room downstairs and I drew a sigh of relief.  
«You are very... very... bad,» James breathed and gave me a lazy kiss on the neck before trying to pull his boxers and jeans back up.  
«And you love me for it,» I whispered, helping him with his clothes. James was on all fours over me, studying my face through the dim light from the hallway as I buttoned his jeans and closed his belt. «There. I think maybe you should go back downstairs to our guests...» I said with a teasing smile when I had finished buttoning his jeans.  
«I am feeling slightly used,» James said with a smirk, pushing me back against the mattress. «That's not a complaint, it's an observation.» He gave me another quick kiss then got out of bed. He stopped in the hallway, looking over himself and straightening his clothes before joining is mates downstairs. I smiled to myself as I watched him go, still enjoying my afterglow and my beer buzz. I closed my eyes and relaxed. From downstairs I could hear voices arguing amicably.  
«God, James, you've been gone for ages!» Jeremy's distinct whining.  
«He was just gone for five minutes...» Richard said, trying to be diplomatic.  
«Shut up, I had to read her a bed time story,» James answered mysteriously, I could picture his sly smirk as I heard him say it. «Please tell me there's more beer?»


	35. Chapter 35

For the past month James had been extremely busy making a new season of Man Lab in addition to the studio shoots down in Guildford, and I had been just as busy trying to get to grips with my new job. He had long workdays and sometimes had to go away for a day or two. And I was doing a shift rotation, working days, evenings and graveyard shifts. I had been unemployed and living the lazy life for over a month, and getting back into work life was a lot harder than I thought, suddenly my life was reduced to work and sleep. I also had so much to learn I felt like a nurse student again, and the stress of it was taking its toll even if I knew this was only a transitional period and I'd get into it soon enough. Thankfully a senior nurse named Wendy had taken a liking to me, so she'd taken me under her wing and was teaching me everything she knew. And trying to reassure me that I was doing fine and that I needed to ease up on myself before I had a heart attack. Apart from how stressful it was and feeling a little incompetent, I absolutely loved my new job and looked forward to when I felt more settled. On top of everything I was trying to take my 'compulsory basic training'-course which was the first step to getting my motorcycle lisence. It consisted of 5 elements involving training and riding a motorcycle, and I had to make sure that I could take these when James was busy with work or away, still wanting to keep it a secret. I also had a theory test and a final practical motorcycle test to pass.   
James and I lived in the same house, but we rarely spent any time together, just passed each other in the door on our way to or from somewhere. If we did have the rare chance to just relax together, one or both of us would just fall asleep. We slept in the same bed most nights, but sometimes we didn't even have that luxury. Either James was away or I was working the nightshift. Both of us tried to pay attention to each other as best we could, just little things like a note or a text, a little gift or a card. But it wasn't nearly enough and it was wearing on both of us. James had wrapped the making of Man Lab yesterday, and would have nothing but the Top Gear filmings down at Guildford, and his writing, to focus on for a while. We agreed that we sorely needed some time together and I arranged for a few days off. The plan had been to spend an entire weekend together, just the two of us. No phones, no work, no nothing. Lock the door, unplug the phone and have the time to just be us again. The weekend should have started with a big date night, not having been on a proper date since The Aquarium.   
All of this were reasons why I absolutely hated having to do what I was doing. I took a nanosecond to gather what little courage I had and dialled.   
«Hello?»  
«James, it's me. Listen, I am so so sorry, but something has come up, and...»  
«No. Emily, don't even --» he began.  
«I'm really sorry, James! You know I wouldn't do this if-»  
«If it wasn't important? I know that! But aren't I important, aren't we important too?»  
«Of course we are, but...» In the back of my mind I registered just how much the gender roles were switched right now, I sounded like the overworked, ambitious businessman while James sounded... well, like a big woman. But I also knew he had a point, and that he had every right to be upset. If the roles were reversed I would've been livid.   
«You know, you care too fucking much, Emily, I've always said that. Sometimes I think you care more about your patients than about our relationship.» His voice was cold and angry, his reaction much stronger than I had expected it to be. Annoyance and disappointment, yes, but I hadn't expected this. His anger sparked my own.  
«That is so fucking unfair, James. I haven't been the only one who has been fucking busy lately! You've been away a lot more than I have!» I hissed back. But I also knew that he had been a lot better at paying attentiont to me than I had to him.  
«I told you about that, you know how my job is-» I heard how he was really riling himself up now.  
«James, James, I have to go, I'm sorry.» I hung up. And ran.

Four hours later I picked up the phone and typed in a message.   
«James, I am really sorry. Come to the hospital, maybe I can make you understand what was so important. I love you.» To my surprise he wrote back a few minutes later, and I was even more surprised to read that he would actually come to the hospital. I had half expected him to have locked himself in his garage, or gone out for too many pints with someone, because that was what had happened the few times we'd been angry at each other. The fact that he became angry was just him showing his frustration, I knew that now and I regretted countering his anger with more anger. It had been a stressful month for both of us and we just desperately needed to relax and be together. We agreed that he would send a text when he was at the hospital. Twenty minutes later the text came, and I typed a quick response. Then I pressed a button and Wendy came running after a minute.   
«Yes, love?» She said in a carrying whisper.  
«Hey, could you do me a favour? James is coming by. Could you take the elevator down to the lobby, find him and bring him up here? I'm kind of... stuck here...» I asked in the same whisper.  
«Ooh, is James coming?» She grinned, perking up. Wendy and I had become friends over the month I'd been working here, we'd talked about our private lives and I had told her about James. She had been itching to meet him ever since.   
«Yeah...» I said, unable to stop myself from smiling at her hopeful look. She perked up even more, nodded eagerly and ran out of the room. Finally I heard foosteps and Wendy jabbering in a voice that became more and more quiet the closer she got.   
«She's in there,» was the last thing I heard her whisper, then James emerged in the doorway. He froze, eyes widening a little as he tried to take in what he was seeing. I was in a dimly lit room, half-lying in a high-backed rocking chair with my feet up on a puff. My chest and stomach was almost completely covered in blankets, with a few tubes and wires sticking out of it. Tentatively James took a few steps into the room, still eyeing my curiously.   
«It's okay, come on,» I whispered and smiled mildly at him. Encouraged by this he gingerly crossed the room and sank quietly down on a chair next to mine. «Hello,» I whispered. We made eye-contact, and I saw his eyes crinkle as he gave me a little smile.   
«Hello,» he answered, also whispering. Then his eyes turned to what from a distance had seemed to be nothing but a pile of colourful blankets draped over my chest. But from under it something wrinkly and red-ish pink was barely visible. Gently I pulled the blanket down a little bit, giving James a better view.   
«Meet babygirl,» I said. On cue the little bundle yawned widely then waved her arm around clumsily a few times. Then she slept again. I folded the blanket over her, keeping just her little face visible. James gaped at the little baby, part horrified and part fascinated. His eyes travelled from the baby and up to me, then back again. I sighed and began explaining in hushed tones. «Last night her mother was in a hit and run, she was barely alive when she was found. The mum was young, and they decided to do an emergency cesarian to increase the chances that the woman would survive, even if the baby might not. Sadly, there were some complications and she died while the baby survived. Nobody knows who the mother was, she was most likely here as an illegal immigrant under a false identity. Maybe from an eastern european country, Czech republic, Romania, they don't know. Police hasn't been able to get in touch with anyone who knows anything about her, her family, who the father might be...» My voice trailed off as the little bundle squirmed a little.   
«Wow, that's...» James looked down at the sleeping, wrinkly little red face, unable to put into words what he thought it was.   
«They think she was about 34 weeks pregnant, so this baby was born 6 weeks early. Normally that would give her good odds, but the mum seemed malnourished so the baby is smaller than she ought to be. We worked all through the morning, trying to keep her stable and alive, but she was just... fading away. Heart rate, oxygen levels, body temperature, everything was slowly going down. She was just dying, giving up. That was why I had to hang up on you earlier, we thought she was crashing. Sorry...» I said, feeling ashamed.   
«Oh, right...» James said, obviously not knowing what else to say.  
«Anyway, I just... couldn't bear it, to see her lie all alone in that... plastic box with nothing but tubes and wires for company. No mummy or daddy around to care that she was slipping away. If she was going to die I...» I swallowed hard now, trying not to get emotional. «I.. wanted to make her feel like she wasn't completely alone in the world, you know? I wanted her to feel some warmth and closeness before she died. All she's had since she was born has been.. pokes and prods and medical equipment. She'd barely been touched by another human. So I took her out of the incubator and sat down with her, took off my nurses' tunic and laid her on my chest under all these blankets. And somehow... long, awful minutes turned into hours, and she was just.. clinging on. The doc said it might have saved her. The body heat, the feeling of skin, hearing a heartbeat like she would have in the womb...» James looked at the unmoving baby on my chest for a long time, studying her.  
«You... saved her life,» he said after a long silence. The way he said it I knew he understood what I had so desperately wanted him to understand, why this was so important.  
«Maybe. Hopefully... See, this was why I had to stay here. It might just have been coincidence, but this might also have saved her. I just couldn't leave, knowing she might die. If this really is the only reason why she is still alive, me sitting here like this... I couldn't take that risk. There's fewer people on duty in the evenings and nights, they don't have time to just sit here all the time with her.» James' eyes had been on the baby while I had talked, and he only raised his eyes to meet mine when I stopped talking. The look he gave me was understanding and warm. «Listen, James, I am really sorry, though...» I began. He waved me down.   
«Ssh, don't apologise, you don't have to. I mean, how can I be even slightly cross with you, you've saved a babies life for crying out loud...» He rolled his eyes, pretending to be exasperated. «I just... miss you. I know it sounds ridiculous, because we live together and we see each other nearly every day, but...» His voice trailed off. I was amazed that he still became shy and insecure when talking about his feelings.  
«I miss you too, sweetie. So much. I'd been looking forward to tonight. You're the most important thing in my life, and I'm sorry if I made you doubt that-»  
«Shut up,» James breathed with a smile on his face. «I didn't mean that, I was just being a moody...»  
«Woman?» I supplied.   
«Yes,» he nodded, chuckling a little. Then his eyes fell back to the baby, he seemed mesmerized by her.  
«Here, look,» I whispered and lifted the blanket so he could see all of her, her tiny bent little arms and legs, the tiny diaper that looked so huge on her, her wrinkly skin that looked like it was flaking. «That's a feeding tube, she's too little to be able to take a bottle long enough to eat what she needs,» I explained, pointing at the thin little tube coming out of her nose. «And that thing is a sensor that measures her vitals – heart rate, body temperature, oxygen levels...» I continued, gesturing to a band strapped around her foot connected to a wire.  
«She looks... unfinished,» James observed.   
«That's because she IS, silly,» I whispered with a little chuckle, putting the blanket down again but leaving her head and one arm exposed. «She came out way too early! I'm sorry we have to talk in a whisper like this, but preemies like this are very sensitive to stimuli – sound, light, touch...» I began explaining. «Their nerve endings aren't finished yet so they can't process it. She's only used to hearing things from inside the tummy.You can touch her, though, you know,» I said challengingly. «Put a finger or a hand on her and keep it there.» Timidly James looked from me to the baby and back again, seemingly torn between curiosity and fright. Then he stretched out a hand and gently touched the back of her curled-up hand, his finger seeming absolutely enormous against her little fist. She flexed her fingers a little and moved her arm, and James retracted his hand hurriedly, obviously worried that he'd been to heavy-handed. «No, no, don't worry. Do it again, see what happens.» I said mildly. James did as I said, albeit a little unwillingly, barely touching her hand with the tip of his finger. She flailed her arm again and instinctively flexed her fingers a few times. After a few attempts she got it right and her little fingers curled around James'. Her hand was so tiny she only managed to wrap her fist around half of his finger. I smiled as I saw her settle again and fall back asleep, James' finger in a secure grasp. «See? Grasping reflex. Good girl!» I cheered in hushed whispers. James looked at me, gaping and wide-eyed.   
«How can something be this miniscule and still... be functional?»   
«Humans are pretty amazing,» I pointed out. A silence fell as James studied the tiny human holding his finger. He seemed in awe, tense and a little scared, almost reverential. But I could see something else in him too, something warm and tender.   
«What'll happen to her?» He asked after a while.   
«If the police can't find any relatives she'll be put up for adoption. That is, if she survives. They've started looking for suitable parents already, fosterparents with the chance to adopt, mainly. But it might not be easy, not many are willing to take on a premature baby, especially when so little is known about her family. Premature babies are more at risk of infection, of getting disabilities, they need extra care.. She is negative for HIV and hepatitis at least, which is something.»  
«I hope they find someone...» He said quietly, not taking his eyes off the little baby girl.   
«I know, me too,» I sighed. «If she's going to have any chance of developing into a normal and healthy baby she needs someone to be here with her, to sit with her like this. Human contact, bonding... I think I might have to stay here tonight, until I can be sure that she remains stable in the incubator.»  
«Okay...» James said, still transfixed by the little hand clutching his finger. «Should I pick some things up for you? Do you need anything?»  
«I need you to not be angry with me,» I asked gently. James tore his eyes from the baby and looked up at me, a little surprised. Then he smiled mildly.  
«I'm not angry. Not at all. And I'm sorry about earlier....»  
«It's okay, you had a right to be upset. I promise I'll make it up to you.»  
«Mm okay,» James said with a sly little smirk. «Sure you don't need anything?»  
«Can I have a kiss?» I asked innocently. He leaned in, careful not to disturb the little bundle on my chest. I hummed into his kiss, realising just how much I missed our closeness. A gentle rapping on the doorframe made us break apart.   
«Sorry to interrupt,» Wendy whispered with an embarrassed, yet teasing little smirk. «Just wanted to remind you; feeding time in about ten.»   
«Already? Wow. Thanks, Wendy,» I smiled at her, and she disappeared again. «Every third hour, like clockwork,» I said in answer to James raised eyebrow.   
«Ah. I better get going, it's getting late and.. you have things to do,» he said, looking down at babygirl.   
«Yeah, being a human incubator,» I chortled. «I'll be home in the morning, after people have come in for the dayshift. Okay?»  
«Okay, sweetie.» He smiled and his eyes glittered in the dimly lit room. Then he turned his attention to the little baby again. «I'm sorry, but I'm going to need this finger back, little miss...» he said softly, carefully trying to pry his finger out of her grasp without disturbing her too much. But the loss of something to grip along with what I suspected was hunger caused her to squirm and then cry in that high-pitched, almost unearthly cry that only premature babies can make. The sound was incredibly loud and intense compared to the silent, hushed tones of our conversation. I held her a little tighter as I sat up a little and rocked her gently.   
«Aaaw, was that finger really so important? You're a needy little bugger, aren't you?» I soothed in a soft voice. Then I looked up at James who seemed a little unhappy that she was crying because of him. «She's just fussy because she's hungry,» I explained, soothing James as well. «Now go on, get home. I'll see you in the morning, yeah?» James nodded, then cupped my cheek with his hand and gave me a long, soft kiss.   
«You are just... an amazing human being, you know that?» He whispered.  
«So are you.»  
«No, I'm not. I don't save tiny babies,» he said with a crooked little smile, shrugging a little.   
«That isn't a prerequisite,» I smiled. James gave me another gentle kiss then got up from his chair. Before leaving he kissed the top of my head. «Goodnight, sweetie. See you in the morning.»


	36. Chapter 36

It was nearly nine in the morning when I quietly slipped in the front door at home. Home. I had only lived in the house for little over two months but it already felt like home. All pretense about this being temporary had gone from my mind. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to go back to living alone and I certainly didn't want to see less of James. This past month had shown me how hectic our lives could be, I felt I was barely seeing James as it was.  
I felt dizzy, almost high from having been at work for over 24 hours, I was almost walking beside myself as I made my way upstairs. I had slept in fits and starts during the night, but never deeply or for long, wary of the baby sleeping on my chest.  
James was asleep on his back, having nearly kicked his covers off in the warm June morning. I undressed quickly and crawled into bed with a happy sigh. I didn't want to disturb James but I couldn't resist inching up to him as close as I could, resting my head on his shoulder. I wrapped a leg over his and rested my arm on his chest. He gave a happy hum and I felt his arm close around my back.  
«Morning. Welcome home,» he mumbled and kissed my forehead lazily.  
«Morning sweetheart.» I kissed his shoulder.  
«Everything all right?»  
«Yeah, just tired. Don't let me sleep past 1pm.» Then I was out like a light. 

The next thing I knew was James' mouth on the back of lower thigh. At least I made the assumption it was him, as I was lying on my stomach hugging a pillow and couldn't see who was doing the kissing. His hands were slowly caressing my legs as he kept kissing my skin.  
«Well this is a nice wake-up call,» I mumbled into the pillow. «What time is it?»  
«3pm.» James voice was muffled against my skin as he moved his kisses higher on my thigh.  
«I told you not to let me sleep past 1,» I said, not even slightly annoyed.  
«You were sleeping so soundly,» James argued. His lips trailed ever higher on my thigh, moving on to my buttock. It was then I realised I was naked. Which was odd, because I distinctly remembered having my panties on when I had crawled into bed that morning. James' mouth kissed and nuzzled my bum, then opened his mouth and bit it teasingly.  
«James, why am I naked?»  
«Mmm. Magic,» he mumbled airily. He kept nuzzling the skin on my bum and lower back, kissing and licking at it. Gradually his hands moved higher and higher along the sensitive skin on inside of my thighs and I unconsciously spread my legs a little. When I thought about it I couldn't pinpoint the last time James and I had made love, not properly. We'd managed to get in a few desperate shags, but mostly we didn't have time. Or just didn't have the energy. I had missed our closeness, missed the attention, missed feeling adored and wanted. He moved slowly, intent on teasing me by building anticipation. I squirmed under his touch, huffing impatiently. His hand had come to rest on my inner thigh, as far up as it would go, his fingers only inches from my pussy. I arched my back a little, pushing my bum up towards him, egging him on. Still nibbling and licking at the skin on my hip and bum he moved his hand slightly and I felt his fingers rub lightly against my clit. By now I was too impatient for light, teasing touches and pressed my hips down into the mattress, rubbing my pussy against his fingers and moaning into the pillow. James moved his hand a little and I gasped as I felt his thumb slide inside me. His thumb slid out of me again and I instinctively I arched my back and pushed my pussy against his hand.  
«You like that..?» James breathed against my skin.  
«Uh-huh,» I whinced, hugging the pillow. James somehow managed to have his thumb inside me and still keep a finger on my clit. His slow teasing had made me incredibly turned on, and I kept rocking against his hand, feeling his thumb work inside me and his fingers rub against my clit. It wouldn't be enough to make me come, but just enough to offer slow, enticing pleasure. His thumb slid out of me one last time then his hand disappeared.  
«Turn around,» he ordered, taking my hips in a firm hold and flipping me around. Looking up at James he was sitting on his knees between my legs, still fully clothed.  
«I want to feel your skin,» I said as I sat up and inched closer to him, pulling his t-shirt off and tossing it to the side. Once it was off I trailed my palms over the warm, soft skin on his shoulders and arms, then his chest while kissing him slowly. He hummed, running his tongue over my lip and I opened my mouth to him. My hands fell to his jeans and I ran my palms over his thighs and over the bulge straining against the denim, rubbing his cock slowly.  
«Undo them,» he said, somewhere halfway between an order and a plea. I did as he said, unbuttoned his jeans and slipped my hand down the front of his boxers, seizing hold of his throbbing cock. He drew a sharp intake of breath at the touch and I nibbled teasingly at his bottom lip as I caressed him in his boxers.  
«You like that...?» I breathed, echoing his question from before. He gave the same wince in reply. I ran a thumb over his wet head, pumping him lazily, teasing him the same way he had teased me. His hands were tangled in my hair, holding my face as close as possible as he kissed me passionately. «Jeans. Off.» I mumbled in between kisses, pulling my hand out of his boxers. He wriggled out of his jeans and boxers, then sat on his knees again and pulled me into his lap. I loved the closeness of this position, being face to face with him, straddling his lap, both being able to hold each other tightly, caress each others back and tangle our hands into each others hair. I raised my hips a little and guided him inside me. As I sank down on him I bit my lip, not breaking his gaze. James drew a ragged breath as he entered me.  
«Last time we did this you were all... greasy,» James said with a quiet chuckle.  
«Hopefully I wont slide off this time,» I said and kissed the side of his neck lazily, holding still and just enjoying the intimacy, the feel of him inside me.  
«Well, actually, sliding is kind of the poi--» James began and I bit his skin teasingly to cut him off.  
«Shut up,» I warned and he gave a little snort of laughter.  
«I've missed this,» he said quietly, trailing kisses along my jawline. «I've missed you.»  
«I've missed you too, baby,» I sighed. For the first time in what felt like months I was completely in the moment. For once I didn't worry about my patients, I didn't think about my motorcycle license or stressing over when my next shift was. All that existed in my consciousness was James, how his touches and kisses made me feel, the feel of him inside me, being at one with him, and everything that I felt for him. Letting go of my stress and concerns brought everything here and now into sharp focus, making me feel more aroused and more sensitive to everything James was doing to me. His strong arms closer around my lower back, taking control of the speed with which I moved my hips. He groaned into my hair and one hand slid down to grab my buttock in a firm hold. I nibbled and kissed his any part of his skin I could reach as I worked my hips up and down, gradually building speed. My arms were wrapped around his shoulders, one hand taking a hold on his neck, clinging tightly to him. James moaned my name, panting heavily as he raised his hips a little to meet my thrusts. «Oh god! James!» I winced in his ear, then sucked on his earlobe, biting it lightly with my teeth. Everything that was happening just seemed to work, heightening my sense of arousal. Clinging tightly to James, feeling his body slide against mine as I raised my hips to slip him in and out of me. His big, strong hand on my buttock, helping me raise my hips. His huffs and moans and his heavy panting, the smell of his aftershave and of sex. I pulled back a little to look into James eyes, nearly unable to focus through my haze of passion and pleasure. «I'm gonna come,» I breathed, my voice high in pitch from the increasing pleasure. James didn't say anything, maybe he wasn't able to because he was breathing open-mouthed, groaning throatily. His other hand found my other buttock and he helped me grind faster and harder against him. I swore under my breath and closed my eyes, focusing on nothing but the feeling of his cock inside me, the friction and the pleasure rapidly swelling to its peak. My arms were wrapped around James shoulders, both my hands tangled in his hair. I felt James tilt his head down, leaning forward a little and then cried out his name when his mouth closed around a nipple. Instinctively I raised my chest against his mouth and he sucked hard on my nipple, his tongue swirling around it. The sensation sent me reeling. A few more quick thrusts and I was pushed over the edge. I grinded my hips frantically against James, prolonging the orgasm, getting as much pleasure out of it as I could. James' mouth let go of my nipple when he also let go, his breath felt cold against my wet nipple when he gave a long moan, then buried his face against my shoulder to muffle himself as he kept groaning through his orgasm. «It's been way too long since we did that,» I said a little breathlessly, running a hand through James' hair. He was resting his forehead against my shoulder, still regaining his breath. He raised his head and looked into my eyes.  
«Yeah, way too long,» he panted. He gave me a warm and serene smile then cupped my head in his hands and kissed me slowly. Once again I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, just hugging him tight, still feeling him inside me as I enjoyed my afterglow. I didn't want to move from him, didn't want to break this moment of intimacy and love. James just held me close, running one hand lovingly up and down my back. I could've fallen asleep like that, slumped against James with my chin resting on his shoulder.  
«I should go take a shower,» I mumbled sleepily. «But I don't want to move.»  
«Me neither,» James sighed. «How about we go in the shower together?» He suggested.  
«I might be able to move for that,» I smiled and gave his shoulder a kiss before climbing off him and out of bed.


	37. Chapter 37

My little patient, quickly named 'babygirl' while waiting for someone to name her properly, grew increasingly stronger and more stable during the first week of her life. But she also made it clear that she needed human contact, she needed someone, and I found myself spending every night at the hospital with her that first week. During the days and evenings there were enough people around to keep her relatively happy, but during the night the staff was at a minimum. It was as if she didn't like the quiet and the dark, maybe it made her feel even more lonely. If I tried staying away, her condition would deteriorate slowly, her body temperature and oxygen levels dropping. I got into a rhythm of spending my nights at the hospital acting as human incubator, feeder and changer of tiny diapers. I dragged myself home zombie-like in the morning, sleep until late afternoon and then tried to do things like eat and spend time with James. Then I went back to the hospital, preparing for another night in the high-backed rocking chair. James amazed me by being supportive about the situation, he knew it was for a short period of time and that it would drive me up the walls not being able to help her. He worried about me, that I would exhaust myself and he helped in what little ways he could; by making food for me and doing things around the house. It surprised me that the hospital management was equally supportive, I had expected grumblings about nurses 'doing whatever they liked' and 'giving patients special treatment'. Contrary to what I had expected my boss turned out to be full of praise and gratuity for my 'extra efforts', as she put it.   
After eight days babygirl finally managed an entire night on her own in the incubator without me having to be there, and I felt I could breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe she would finally be stable now? She was putting on weight and getting better with the bottle. I went back to my normal work routine, but she was still my patient and I kept worrying about her. The authorities nor the adoption agency had managed to find any suitable adoptive parents yet.

Having gone back to my normal work routine, caught up on some sleep and managed to shift my sleeping pattern back the right way around, James and I decided to make that date night of ours happen. I was giddy about it, excited about dressing up, having good food and spend the evening with James. We were going to Gordon Ramsay's restaurant in Chelsea, a place so posh it was actually quite terrifying. I entered the kitchen and found James leaning on the kitchen counter immersed in his phone. He had already showered and was dressed in a suit jacket, a blue, patterned shirt and dark blue jeans. He looked smart and handsome, and my heart did a little extra flutter at the sight of him.   
«Is this okay? Will they let me in wearing this?» I fretted. James eyed me up and down slowly, taking in my black pumps and my dress; it had a v-neck, was thigh-length and waisted, made out of black lace with a cream fabric underneath. Then he slipped the phone into his pocket and made his way across the kitchen to me.   
«You're absolutely perfect. Of course they'll let you in – they let me in! I'm not sure I'm able to let you out of this house, though..» He said warningly, leaning in and nuzzling my neck, taking in my perfume. «Not without ravishing you first.»  
«Behave or I'll have to hose you down, May. We're being picked up in ten minutes,» I giggled, pushing him away gently. He sighed and straightened up.   
«This is going to be a long night.»  
«You look very, very handsome...» I smirked, pulling him in for a kiss by the lapels.   
«Mm, thank you. Now I'm going to have to take a few steps back or we'll never make it out of this house,» he warned.

Arriving at the restaurant half an hour later I had my first proper taste of what it was like being with someone who was a 'celebrity'. Photographers were always milling around prestigious restaurants like these because the rich and famous often frequented them. As the driver dropped us off by the entrance they swooped on us, flashes going off all around us. James held my hand tightly in a reassuring grip as he greeted the press politely, but he didn't engage in any conversation with any of them even though they were all shouting at him or attention. I nearly froze when someone shouted my name as well, then remembered it being mentioned in the Top Gear News, that we were 'official' now and that the media were bound to have made a note of it. I felt myself smiling embarrassedly and blushing violently as I almost stumbled after James who was making his way resolutely towards the restaurant entrance. When we entered the restaurant I had to blink rapidly to chase away the blind spots the flashes had caused. Once safely inside James turned to me, looking tense and worried.  
«You okay?» He asked, looking at me with concern in his eyes. My considerate, understanding James. He knew this was a completely new situation for me, and probably remembered how it had been for him the first few times he'd had to deal with photographers like this.  
«Yeah, yeah, I'm fine,» I smiled, still blinking rapidly. «Just.. partly blind.»  
«I'm sorry about that, I wish you didn't have to deal with things like these. It just sort of... comes with the territory,» he shrugged.   
«It's fine, I can take it,» I assured him, running a hand over his cheek. «I would have put up with far worse things as long as I could be with you.» James blinked a few times, not knowing how to respond to that. Not finding his words he gave up and kissed me lovingly. A waiter, or whatever they're called in those types of places, appeared and we were shown to our table. I felt incredibly out of place, the restaurant was fantastic and everyone in it seemed to come straight out of a fashion magazine, impeccably dressed and gorgeous. Several times I had to whisper to James and ask him to translate what was on the menu, haute cuisine not exactly being my usual diet. All of the food was so beautifully arranged I nearly felt bad for eating it. But everything tasted amazing and the wine was great. Even Gordon himself was present at the restaurant that night, and came out to say hello and chat to James since he'd appeared on one of Gordon's tv-series once. Having only seen the angry, shouty, mean version of him on telly I nearly jumped in my chair and flinched when the chef turned to greet me. Gordon turned out to be an incredibly nice, warm guy, which reminded me that I shouldn't always judge people on what they were like on TV. After three courses, dessert and two bottles of wine we decided it might be time to get home. We were too full and tipsy to be out in public. All I wanted to do was unzip my dress and sprawl on the sofa in a very unladylike manner. 

When we got home we turned on some music, found some beer and sank down on the sofa. Like we were in a bad sitcom we both sighed contentedly and put our feet up on the table simultaneously.  
«Oh god, what are we gonna be like in ten years?» I said when I had regained my breath from laughing. «Finishing each others sentences? Wearing matching track suits?»  
«If that happens we must be shot,» James decided, and I agreed. A content and serene silence fell over us as we sat there, feeling full, enjoyably tipsy and happy.  
«Emily!» James raised his voice a little and I snapped out of a reverie I hadn't been aware of being in. «I've just asked you to dance with me. Then I admitted to once having dressed up in your underwear. All to which you responded 'mhm'.»   
«Hm? I.. what...» I babbled.  
«Emily, what's going on? We've dressed up and gone to this fantastic restaurant, had amazing food, good wine.,. This should have been a great night, and I wish I could say that it has been, but it just hasn't. Mostly because I sometimes felt like I was having dinner on my own. All night you've barely said anything, you've seemed so... distant, like you're not really there.»  
«Please tell me you didn't dress up in my underwear,» I pleaded, unable to rid myself of the unwanted mental image.  
«You're avoiding the issue,» he said, scowling a little.   
«Oh, James, I'm... I'm sorry. I've tried, James, I've tried all night to... be present and enjoy myself. I have enjoyed myself, but... I just can't get babygirl out of my head.» I had felt unfocused all night. Part of me really wanted to be with James and enjoy our date night to the fullest, but my mind had kept wandering. I had tried to hide it from James which I now realised was stupid, he knew me far too well for me to be able to pass that off.  
«But.. I thought she was doing well? What's wrong?»   
«She is doing well,» I confirmed. «Really well, actually. It's just... they still haven't found any adoptive parents for her, and it's driving me mad! It just kills me seeing her incubator with no name tag on it yet, no parents fussing over her... I can't accept that I saved her life only for her to grow up in an orphanage, bounced from foster family to foster family... That can't be what I saved her life for! That isn't a life! I'm responsible for that, that's on me.»  
«Oh, Emily... I understand that you feel like she's your responsibility, but.. You're taking care of her, as your patient. The adoption people will find someone, some couple is bound to want her.»  
«And what if they don't?» I argued stubbornly.  
«I don't know, Emily,» James shrugged and put a soothing hand no my knee.  
«I'm not letting that happen. She's alive because of me, that makes her my responsibility!»  
«I just don't see what more can you do for her..»   
«Well, if they can't find somebody then..... Then I'll bloody take her!» I snapped. James' hand disappeared from my knee and I looked over to him. He'd straightened up in his seat and looked perplexed.  
«Don't you think that's a decision you need to discuss with me first?» He said, I heard in his voice that he was angry but trying to keep his calm.  
«I.. I know, James, I know, of course...» I apologised. It was my turn to put a hand on his knee. «I didn't-- I wasn't serious, I'm just worried. And desperate. And I can't get away from the feeling that it's somehow my fault, my responsibility that she's lying there, all alone.. I mean, she's alive, but she has no one.»   
«Emily, she's only been at the hospital for two weeks. From what you've told me she'll be there for at least another three or four. They will find parents for her, you have to believe that. And in the meantime, she has you.» James spoke calmly, his hand caressing my upper arm soothingly. I looked into James' piercing, blue eyes, they were calm and spoke of love and understanding. Without at word I got up and walked over to the stereo, finding a slow song on the iPod. Walking back towards James I saw him studying me, a curious little frown on his face. I came to a halt in front of him and held out a hand.   
«Could I have that dance now? Please?» James' expression softened. He took my hand and got up from the sofa.   
«Of course, sweetheart,» he smiled. His arm closed around my lower back, pulling me close. I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and rested my hand on his neck, caressing and playing with his hair just as I had done the first time we had danced.   
«James, I'm sorry...» I began, suddenly remembering what James had said to me earlier and feeling a horrible pang of guilt. «I'm sorry about tonight, I'm sorry that I ruined it.»  
«Rubbish, you didn't ruin it,» James protested mildly, but I continued.   
«And I'm sorry about having been so preoccupied, about getting so caught up in work. I have been a rubbish girlfriend, I haven't paid you enough attention, love. I'm sorry for that too.»  
«We've both been caught up with work lately.»  
«James, why do you even put up with me? I feel like I've done nothing by apologise to you lately,» I sighed, feeling disappointed with myself.   
«Put up with you?» James repeated, sounding incredulous. «Emily, I don't have to put up with you. You have no idea how lucky I feel for having you in my life. Yes, all right, so you do get a little carried away sometimes and you care too much, about your patients, about a lot of things, but... That is one of the reasons I fell in love with you. How passionate you are, and the fact that you have such a big heart.» I blinked rapidly, feeling my eyes well up with tears.   
«You're too good to me,» I whispered and pulled him in for a long kiss. «I love you.»


	38. Chapter 38

It took another week before the happy news finally came: they had found suitable parents. And it took me about five minutes to go from feeling happy about it to very suspicious. Who were they? How did they live, what did they do for work? These were of course questions that the authorities and adoption people had already asked. At least I sincerely hoped so. Since I had been so involved with this particular case I would be the one to greet the new parents, tell them the baby's story and inform them of what most likely was ahead. Babygirl wouldn't be let out of the hospital until we were sure that she could manage to drink what she needed on her own from a bottle and had reached a certain weight. When they came home they had to give her special multivitamins and fish oil every day to help strengthen her weakened immune system from having been born prematurely and not having the benefits from breastmilk. She would get follow-ups at the clinic every month for her first year, at the very least. The couple listened intently, asking questions and taking notes. After well over an hour with them I felt far more at peace. They, Ben and Jo, were a young couple from St. Albans. Ben had a steady, well-paid job in a computer company and Jo was a nurse, making me think of her as a like-minded person. They told me she was unable to have children because she'd had cancer and they'd had to surgically removed her reproductive organs. My heart went out to her, they were both only 29 and I couldn't even imagine how hard that must've been to lose that opportunity when they both wanted kids. Being able to take them to see her for the first time was an emotional moment. It warmed my heart to see the baby lie on her new mother's chest for the first time, and to see how genuinely overjoyed her new parents were to have her in their lives. 

«You were right,» I muttered to James out of the corner of my mouth. It was a warm summers afternoon and we'd decided to have our dinner outside in the little back garden. The sun was setting and now hidden by the buildings surrounding us, but the air was still warm and pleasant. Both were slumped in garden chairs and I had my feet in James' lap like I always did. He was immersed in a book and I half hoped he hadn't heard.  
«Right about what?» He asked, not taking his eyes off the page.  
«About how they would eventually find adoptive parents for babygirl. I met them today.» At this James tore his eyes up from the book.   
«Can it be noted that I am resisting the urge to say 'I told you so'?» He said smugly.  
«Technically, you just said it,» I pointed out, raising a finger at him.  
«Incorrect. I just stated that I am resisting the urge to say it,» he argued, pointing back at me.  
«Yes yes, whatever, you're incredibly pedantic and I am a hysterical and ridiculous woman and so on,» I moaned, waving my irritably hand at him. «Gloating doesn't suit you, May,» I added sourly. James chortled, deciding to let it go.  
«But that's good, isn't it? How were they? Did you like them?» James put the book down and looked at me with interest.  
«Of course! It's great, in fact. And yeah, I did like them,» I admitted, showing a little of my own surprise. «They seemed like good people, bright and kind. They own a house, have a garden, have good jobs... But most importantly, they really want this, you know? They've wanted a baby for so long, and their option to have any on their own was taken away from them. And it felt amazing to be able to help them with that.»  
«I can imagine it did,» James said with a warm smile, caressing my leg. «But that's good, sweetheart. It's a happy ending, right?»  
«Yeah,» I nodded, fiddling a little with my own hands before adding: «they named her today, too.»  
«Oh, yeah?»  
«Yeah, they... Ben and Jo, I talked to them for a long while, telling them what had happened to the baby's mother and everything. They talked to the doctor who has been following up her case, I guess he told them how much I've been involved with her, because later they asked... if they could name her after me.» I looked down at my own, fiddling hands, having to swallow hard to try and chase away the lump in my throat. But I was also smiling shyly. Their wish to name her after me had made me genuinely touched. I felt proud and humbled by it, almost embarrassed. I guess it was their way of saying thank you, a recognition of how important they felt that I had been in this little girls' life.  
«Really? They're naming her Emily?» James asked excitedly, sitting up a little straighter in his chair.   
«Yeah, I think they are,» I said, feeling how my treacherous jaw was beginning to tremble out of control. James saw how emotional I was becoming and gave my knee a squeeze.  
«Happy tears?» He asked, being able to tell the difference by now. I nodded, giving a sound somewhere between a chuckle and a sob. James aaw'ed at me, tilting his head as he looked at me, a little amused at my emotional outburst. «You know, I agree with them. I think they did the right thing, deciding to name her after you. As odd as it sounds, you deserve that much.»  
«Thanks, hon,» I sniffed. «It's an odd feeling, very... humbling. But mostly I'm just relieved and happy that she has someone now, someone who can give her a good life.»

Ben and Jo practically moved into the hospital, slowly taking over the duty of changing and feeding 'baby Emily', as she now was called. Jo had made a big and bright nametag by her bed to match the ones the other babies had. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, I hadn't been aware of just how heavily the fate of this girl had weighed on my mind. It also dawned on me how preoccupied I had been, and how that had affected my relationship with James. I had been far more unattentive towards him than I had realised, and I made an effort to make it up to him. We had another attempt at a fancy dinner date, and with much better results. And I continued with my motorcycle training behind his back, which was harder to do now that he wasn't so busy as he had been during the making of Man Lab. I even realised that it was actually high summer outside and found the opportunity to enjoy it a little. James and I went for walks along the Thames, had a picnic in the park or just enjoyed the sunshine and a pint somewhere in the city. It was the first time I felt remotely relaxed and together since I started working again.

Inevitably, and 6 weeks after she was born, baby Emily was discharged, ready to go to her new home in St. Albans with her parents. No matter how much I thought I had prepared mentally for that, it still came as a bit of a shock to see her strapped in her carseat and be carried out of the ward. She had never been outside in her entire life. And considering she weighed about twice what she did when she was born, she still seemed so tiny. She had become a part of my life, at least my work life, and suddenly she just wasn't there. Ben and Jo had given me their contact info, and I had given mine in return. They wanted to keep in touch and I was glad that they wanted to.

After having seen baby Emily and her new family off I made my way home, trying to ignore that i felt anything but normal. James was out on some business dinner, discussing ideas for a second series on Toy Stories and I knew he wouldn't be home for another few hours at least. I didn't feel like cooking just for myself and made myself a lazy sandwich and found a few chocolate bars. Disinterested I flicked through channel after channel, feeling restless. I wanted James home, I wanted a distraction, someone to talk to. Giving up on the TV I grabbed the iPad and wasted a good hour playing games on it and writing a few e-mails to friends and family I had been bad at keeping up with lately. Finally I heard James at the front door. Appearing in the doorway he smiled at me, smartly dressed in light jeans, a shirt with a colorful paisley pattern on it and a grey jacket. He deposited his phone and fag-packet on the table, then leaned down to give me a kiss while supporting himself on the armrest.   
«Hello,» he smiled in his typical James-ish manner.   
«Welcome home, hon.» I did an honest effort at retuning the smile, then put the iPad away. James slumped down on the sofa and rested his back heavily against my chest, sighing a little. I wrapped an arm around him and he hummed as I kissed the side of his cheek. «Long day?»  
«Long dinner!» He complained.   
«Oh? I thought you liked these kinds of meetings? Discussing ideas, planning and organising...?»  
«Yeah, I do. Up to a certain point. But then they got into the boring bits. Legal stuff, filming permissions, health and safety... I wanted to stab myself in the eye with my cocktail stick.»  
«Oh well, I guess you'll have to sit through the boring bits before you can go and play with toys in front of the camera,» I said, not really giving him much sympathy. «What is it you're playing with this time?» James excitedly launched in to a long and eager rant about they toys they might cover in this series, everything from etch-a-sketches to green army men to rocket balloons. It always amazed me how wonderfully childish and passionate James could be about things like old toys, it always seemed to take him right back to his childhood. He had very romantic ideas about childhood, about learning things, about it shaping who you become as a person, about your imagination and creativity running free. I loved that side of him, loved seeing him gesticulating and babbling happily while his eyes glittered. But now that he was here, now that I had a distraction and someone to talk to, I just wanted to be alone. «You should make one on space hoppers,» I suggested less than enthusiastically. «Make a giant one. Or have a space hopper race. Space hopper road trip?» James narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing me for any sign of sarcasm or mockery.   
«Thanks for the input, but.... No.»   
«Or Barbies. Make a life-sized one!» I persisted. James raised a finger and opened his mouth just as I came to what I guessed was the same conclusion. «On second thought, no, someone already did that, you can buy them at the sex shop.»  
«Er... exactly,» James chuckled. The iPad made a pling and I picked it up and began reading an e-mail reply from my sister. James watched me for a little, wondering if chat time was over. Then he got bored and flicked on the TV. I busied myself with the gadget for as long as I could. «So, how was your day, then?» James asked after a long silence.   
«Oh, you know. Just... a day,» I said evasively, not taking my eyes off the iPad. I could feel James' stare as he waited for me to elaborate. «You know! Normal!» I persisted, a little annoyed.   
«How's baby Emily?» He asked, deciding to drag the specifics out of me.   
«She's good.» I said bluntly, still refusing to look up at him. Telling him that she had left the hospital today wasn't an option, I just couldn't talk about it. Inwardly I was begging for him to drop the subject.  
«Good...» James said hesitantly, sensing that I wasn't in a sharing mood. Silence fell again. I was still pretending to read something on the iPad but the mention of baby Emily had been enough to rattle me. I wondered how she was doing. What her nursery looked like. If they'd get her to sleep in her own bed the first night at home. «You're being very quiet tonight?» James broke the silence again. That was it. I needed to get away.   
«Yeah, I know, I'm just... I'll go have a lie down,» I said mysteriously. Putting the iPad down I got out of the sofa and left the living room without even looking at James, I couldn't. I quickly made my way upstairs, relieved to not hear James' footsteps chasing after me. I didn't turn on any lights, but crossed the room and sank down on top of the bedsheets, fully clothed. I lay staring into the darkness, fighting with myself and my emotions. I tried rationalizing, I tried arguing with myself, being strict, but nothing worked. Mostly I just felt embarrassed, even ashamed, unprofessional. All night I had trying to ignore how upset I was, and I just couldn't anymore.

A little while later I heard James' footsteps heading towards the bedroom. His silhouette temporarily darkened the doorway, blocking out the light from the corridor. He saw my shape lying on the bed and didn't turn on any light, just walked over to the bed and climbed into it, inching closer to me. Part of me wanted to shout at him, shout that I wanted to be alone, that I didn't want him there and that he should go away. In the dark I felt his arm close around me and his hand running over my hair gently. He didn't say anything, he just knew that this was what I needed, even if I didn't want it. And that was all it took to make my walls crumble. My face grew hot as my eyes burst with tears, I gave a loud sob and burrowed my face into James' chest. I clung desperately to him as my body shook with grief. «Oh, honey, it's all right....» James just held me gently, running his hand calmly over my head and down my back, over and over again. Every now and again he kissed my forehead or spoke softly to me in an effort to soothe my crying. A few times I sobbed so hard I lost my breath and had to gasp for air. «Ssssh, Emily... Breathe,» He said calmly but I could hear the concern in his voice. Even though James' calmness could infuriate me sometimes, right now I was grateful for it. Pent up emotions were threatening to tear me apart, everything was chaos and he was the perfect opposite to that, he was my calming center. James' soothing and exhaustion eventually caused my sobs to die down. He waited patiently for my sobs to stop completely and for my breathing to ease down, caressing my back all the while. Then he spoke.  
«This is about baby Emily, isn't it.» It wasn't a question, it was a statement. It wasn't what I had expected him to say, I wouldn't have thought that James would know what was going on. «She was discharged today, wasn't she? I didn't remember it earlier, I'm sorry, I know you told me it would be today,» he apologised. I just nodded a little, my face still cradled against James' chest. He said nothing, just waited patiently for me to begin talking. I knew he didn't want to push me. I drew a heavy, ragged sigh and pulled back from James' chest a little. When I began talking my voice was hoarse and strange from crying.   
«I shouldn't be feeling this way, James. I shouldn't feel upset or sad, I don't have any right to be. It's not my place. It's unprofessional. I'm a nurse and baby Emily was just my patient, she was never mine, I knew that. And she was never going to be. I knew she was going home someday, that they would find a couple to adopt her and that she'd be discharged. And I thought I was prepared for it, I tried preparing for it. But seeing her go... Still felt like a punch in the stomach. It's embarrassing, James, having become so attached to her. I became too involved. Maybe I shouldn't have this job, maybe I should...» My voice trailed off. The more I spoke the more I realised that I blamed myself, that this was all my own fault. I had kid myself into believeing that I had been sensible about this, that I had kept a somewhat professional approach to baby Emily. It's amazing how much you can trick yourself and be in denial about your own emotions.   
«Emily... I know I've before said that you care too much, but in this particular case I really can't blame you,» James said after a moments thought. His voice was mild and forgiving. «And I don't think anyone else would, either. Cases like these aren't exactly everyday occurences... I can't imagine that anyone would manage to stay completely professional and detached working with a case like this. Least of all you. You spent night after night with her, keeping her alive just with your warmth and your heartbeats.» As James spoke I felt the painful knot in my chest swell again, threatning to smother me and I felt myself starting to cry again. It felt good to have his understanding and his comfort, hearing him explain why I should ease up on myself. And it hurt to hear him talk about baby Emily. «She needed you, depended on you, and for a little while you were the only person who was there for her, who protected her. Of course you became attached to her in some way.»  
«But I shouldn't have!» I said a little desperately through the tears, frustrated at myself and all my painful emotions. «God! Right now I wish I could just... turn off my feelings, just shut them off. Or at least that I had a handful of xanax,» I added bitterly. James didn't comment on this, he just wrapped his arm a little tighter around me and kissed my forehead lovingly.   
«Like I've said, you care too much, sweetie. And right now, you care too much about caring too much. If that's even possible. You're always too hard on yourself. You're only human, Emily.»  
«Right now I don't want to be,» I muttered sourly. James brushed some hair away from my face and looked at me through the semi-darkness, my eyes had gotten used to it now and I could see a little of him in the light seeping in from the corridor.   
«Emily. This girl is alive because of you, and she has her whole life ahead of her. A young couple now have a child which they desperately wanted. You did that. She has your name, and she'll never forget you for the rest of her life, nor will her parents. And it's not like you'll never see her again, you'll be able to see her, watch her grow up. She's only 45 minutes up the road.»  
«Yeah...» I mumbled, cheering up a little. James' word had made me shy and humble, for some reason it was hard to accept that it was me he was talking about.  
«Stop beating yourself up, will you? You should be proud of yourself, for what you did for her. God knows I am,» he said with feeling. A half-sob escaped me.   
«Stop talking or I'm going to cry again,» I squeaked.   
«All right, okay, I'll stop,» he said, smiling a little in the darkness. Then he leaned in, brushing his nose gently against mine. «But I mean it, though. I am so bloody proud of you,» he said in a whisper. The sob I gave was muffled by James' lips against mine as he kissed me slowly.   
«Thank you, love,» I breathed back, it was the only thing I could think of to say. Nothing I could say could really express how grateful I was to have James in my life, to have him put up with me and be so kind and understanding.   
«Listen,» James began, then cleared his throat. «I have a surprise for you. I wasn't going to tell you just yet, I had it all planned out, but... I'm thinking maybe you need some cheering up. Something to look forward to.»  
«Surprise?» I said, pulling back a little to look into James' eyes. It was too dark to see him properly and I reached over to turn on the bedside lamp. We both blinked a little, adjusting to the sudden light.   
«Yeah...» He smiled secretively, obviously excited about his own plans.   
«Well tell me, then!» I said impatiently, slapping his chest playfully.   
«Not when you hit me, I won't!» He said defensively, half-laughing and pulling his arms to his chest to protect himself. I huffed and rolled my eyes. Changing tack I put my palms on his chest, caressing him gently while batting my eyelids at him, giving him my most innocent doe-eyed expression.   
«Tell me, pretty please...?» I begged sweetly.   
«Oh all right.» It was his turn to roll his eyes at me. I looked at him expectantly, but he still said nothing, just grinned like a cheshire cat. I was just about to open my mouth to spur him on when he began talking. «In little over two weeks, you and I are going away for sixteen days. I mean, if you fancy going to Bali...» he added, pretending to be unsure. I gaped at him, completely dumbfounded.   
«... Bali?» I repeated dazedly.   
«Mhm,» he nodded. «Away from the city, away from hospitals and work and meetings... If you want to come with me, that is.»  
«Oh god, I would absolutely love to!» I exclaimed, wrapping my arms around him. «But... Work, I don't know if I'll be able to..» I began, frantically trying to calculate if it would be possible.  
«Don't worry about it, it's already sorted.» James waved me down.   
«Sorted? How?»  
«I had a chat with your boss. I was very pleasant and polite and I didn't threaten her even a little!» He hastened to add, seeing my eyes widening with horror. «I just talked to her, told her that I would like to surprise you with a big holiday and 'would that at all be possible?' She said yes straight away, she thought you deserved it, just like I did.»  
«So it's... sorted?» I asked stupidly.  
«Yes. They've cleared the shifts you had, you'd worked up quite a bit of overtime anyway. So is that a yes, you'll come with me?» He looked at me hopefully.   
«Of course I'll come with you, you daft old goat!» I said, grinning so widely my head hurt even more than it already was from crying. «Really? Bali? Just you and me?!»  
«Good!» James said, smiling nearly as widely as me. «Yes, really. I think it'll do us both good. Just spending time with each other. We'll be in one of those bungalows that stick out over the blue water, with a huge hammock on the balcony... We can get you that diving license we talked about, if you want to. Have lots of good Indonesian food, see the island, enjoy the sun and the warmth...»  
«Oh god, that's it, I'm packing,» I said and made to get out of bed. James held me back by wrapping his arms around me, then he rolled over on his back and pulled me after him. His arms were still clamped around me, restricting my movements.  
«Whoa whoa whoa, we're not leaving for over two weeks!» He said, but smiled at my obvious, child-like excitement. «Plus, all you'll need is a bikini anyway. Will only take like, what, two seconds to pack?»  
«I can't believe you did this,» I sighed happily, running a hand through his hair. «And I don't know how to even begin to thank you. Not just for this, but for everything you do for me. And everything you are to me.»  
«You don't have to thank me,» he said honestly. «Just love me, and I'll be happy.»  
«I do,» I replied.


	39. Chapter 39

«Are we really going to stay in one of those bungalows on poles over the water?» I asked dreamily. My head was resting on James' chest and I fiddled absent-mindedly with the buttons on his shirt, dreaming myself away. The crying fit had left my head throbbing and I was exhausted. But I felt a little better, empty but in a good way, it really had been cathartic to just let it all out and allow myself fall to pieces for a little bit. The surprise of our trip to Bali already had me distracted from baby Emily as I lay there dreaming of the tropics.  
«Mhm,» he hummed into my hair. "I remembered you talking about that once, how you wanted to stay in one of those one day."  
«So you've already booked and sorted everything?»  
«Yeah. Well, not quite, Fiona did most of it, I just told her what we wanted and she did most of the research.» Fiona was James' manager, and the one to call whenever I needed to figure out something about James' schedule, because he rarely had a complete overview. She was also responsible for sorting out a lot of his travel arrangements; flights, hotels, booking drivers. She knew James, and knew what he liked. “She's sent me tonnes of info on things we can do, on diving classes, places to see, where to eat, all that stuff.»  
«I can't wait to go,» I said, looking up at James with a smile.   
«It's so nice to see you're smiling. Seeing you cry breaks my heart,» James said, looking at me with a trace of worry in his eyes.   
«You're the reason I'm smiling.»  
«Right now I suspect Bali is the reason you're smiling,» he chuckled.   
«Weeeell, sort of,» I admitted and rested back down against him. «But it's the thought of going there with you,» I added pointedly. «Having you all to myself, just relax and have fun together. Blue skies, blue ocean, white perfect beaches, a book or three... It's going to be perfect!»  
«I thought it was about bloody time we went somewhere nice, had a proper romantic holiday,» James said. «We've talked about it for ages.»  
«We had our road trip, though...» I pointed out, smirking a little at the memory.  
«But that was over seven months ago! And come on, it was five days and as fun as it was, it wasn't the most relaxing of holidays...» James argued.  
«I see your point. I've never had so much sex in my life as I did that week!»   
«We're still having lots of sex on Bali,» James said, somewhere between a statement and a question.   
«I've always wondered if it is possible to have sex in a hammock...» I mused.   
«We should conduct an experiment on that.»  
«If it goes horribly wrong we could possibly break both our backs. Or necks..»  
«That is a risk I am perfectly willing to take.» We lay there on the bed talking excitedly about our trip until I fell asleep with my head on his chest, emotionally exhausted, but calm and happy. 

When I woke up it was very early morning. James must have undressed me while I slept, I couldn't remember taking my clothes off and they were now hanging neatly over a chair. Hanging clothes neatly over chairs wasn't my sort of thing. Now James was sleeping next to me on his stomach, arms hugging a pillow. His hair was a little on end, he had a bit of a stubble and his mouth was slightly open. With a drowsy sigh I inched up to him, wrapping a leg over his and draped my arm across his back, feeling his warm, soft skin. He didn't stir. For a while I was unable to do anything but lie there and stare at him, smiling to myself at how creepy James would've thought it was if he'd known I watched him in his sleep. Lazily I let my fingers slide over his back, playing over his skin. The feel of his warmth, his body close to mine, his skin under my fingers was enough to make my heart beat faster. James and I had been together for over seven months, and still it didn't take more to make me want him madly. I inched up even closer to him, almost pressing my body against the side of his. Gently I brushed my lips over the skin on his upper arm, trailing kisses up along his shoulder and jaw. He gave that sigh which I knew meant he was waking up.   
«Morning, baby...» I said in a low whisper against his neck. My fingers were still trailing lazily over his back.   
«Morning...» He mumbled into his pillow, not moving and not opening his eyes.   
«Sleep well?» I nibbled his earlobe and smiled mischievously to myself as I let my hand slip down his back and into his boxer, squeezing his arse.   
«I was, until a very grabby woman woke me up.» He was still mumbling into his pillow, eyes closed. It was impossible to distinguish if his voice was a little annoyed or just acting.  
«I'm sorry, I'm just a bit... horny...» I breathed seductively into his ear, squeezed his arse again and pressed my pubic bone against him, almost grinding against his hip.   
«I've heard cold showers are supposed to help,» he said, sounding utterly disinterested and very sleepy. Partly I suspected he was playing a game, playing hard to get, wanting me to beg for it. I could picture the smirk he was hiding into his pillow. But I wasn't a hundred percent sure.   
«Fine, I'll just please myself, then...» I huffed into his ear and tugged a little harder than normal on his earlobe with my teeth before letting go. I gave his arse a final squeeze and slipped my hand out of his boxers, rolling away from him.  
«Good luck with that...» he mumbled, still lying perfectly still. If he was playing hard to get he was doing it infuriatingly well. But I wasn't going to let him win this one. With a sigh that was a little louder than it had to be, I rested back against my own pillow and kicked my covers aside. Raising my bum a little from the mattress I slid my knickers off and threw them on the floor. I threw one last, quick glance at James, he still hadn't moved or opened his eyes, but I could hear from his breathing that he hadn't fallen back asleep yet. With another little sigh I trailed my hand over my own body, across my neck and breast, over my stomach and my hips. I spread my legs and bent my knees, feeling the cool air as it hit my warmth. I closed my eyes as I let my fingers trail over my labia, feeling the wetness beneath my fingertips. I bit my lip and let a little sigh of pleasure escape me as my fingertip grazed over my sensitive clit. This was a game I had set out to win. Watching me touch and pleasure myself was something that drove James crazy, I'd done this before. The little moans and winces I made was meant to get James' attention. I tried to listen for any signs that James was still awake, or watching, but it was hard to keep focus, my own fingers circling my clit was a major distraction. Knowing that James was probably listening intently, maybe even watching me, just made me more aroused. I squirmed and spread my legs a little wider, giving another low moan of pleasure. I bit back a victorious smirk when I heard and felt James shift on the bed next to me. I didn't open my eyes to look at him, or stop what I was doing. It was his turn to be ignored. Tilting my head back I dug the back of my head into the pillow, biting my lip again as the pleasure increased even more. I really was getting very turned on. My free hand let go of the sheets I had been clutching and found my breast, kneading it roughly. My breathing quickened as I raised my hips a little against my own hand, increasing the pressure on my clit. I nearly squawked with surprise when I without warning felt a mouth close around the other nipple. James' hand pushed my hand roughly out of the way and his fingers took over rubbing my clit.   
«I thought you.. wanted to... sleep?» I panted, trying to sound innocent. James' mouth sucked hard on my nipple before letting it go, then made its way up my chest and shoulder, kissing and licking my skin.   
«It's impossible to sleep in this racket,» he muttered back, pretending to be annoyed. Blindly his mouth found mine and he kissed me hungrily, revealing that he wasn't annoyed at all. I sucked at his bottom lip, burying my hand in his hair to hold his face close. The hand I had been using on myself found its way into James' boxers and I closed my fingers, still wet with my own juices, around his hard cock. He groaned into my mouth as he felt my hand close around him and began working on him. I wasn't slow or teasing, I had no mind for that anymore, I had worked myself up too much. His boxers were restricting my movements and I began tugging them off impatiently and James tried to help. Finally freed of his boxers his hand found my pussy again, this time sliding first one, then two fingers inside me. James obviously didn't have a mind for slow or teasing either. Knowing my body as well I did, maybe even better, his fingers curved slightly upwards and brushed against that spot which only he could find. A burning hot pleasure erupted somewhere deep inside me.   
«Oh, fuck, good!» I swore passionately, arching my back and pushing my hips up against his hand. I felt his satisfied smirk against my neck, he'd found the 'J-spot' again, he knew exactly what he was doing to me and he was enjoying it immensely. The feeling of James' fingers against my sensitive spot made it feel like he touched the very center of my being, it was overwhelming and sent my body into overdrive. «James, fuck me,» I begged, hardly knowing what I said. James' hand disappeared from between my legs, I felt how wet his fingers were when he slid his hand up my thigh and over my hips.  
«No,» he breathed resolutely. Before I knew what had happened James had grabbed hold of my hips, rolled onto his back and pulled me on top of him. Supporting myself on my arms I looked down at him, a little surprised to find myself on all fours over him.   
«No?» I repeated breathlessly, a little disappointed. He entangled both his hands into my hair and pulled my face down towards his. Instead of kissing my mouth his lips made contact with the sensitive spot beneath my ear and he licked it, breathing heavily into my ear as he spoke.   
«No. You fuck me,» he commanded, raising his hips and pressing his hard cock against my wet pussy. My body flushed hot with his words and it pushed everything out of my mind except my desire to do what he said. But I also wanted to tease him, remind him who was in charge – I had won this game and he needed to be reminded. I sat up straight, straddling James' hips and grinded down against him, making him wet. His hard cock rubbed delightfully against my clit and I bit my lip, smiling at the pleasure. James huffed with pleasure and impatience, raising his hips up against me again in search for more friction. Arousal reaching boiling point I lifted my hips up a little and guided him inside me, letting out a moan of relief as I sank back down, feeling James fill me up.  
«Oh god, you feel so fucking good...» James moaned. I supported myself with my arms on his chest, slowly rocking on him, building tension. His hands were digging into my hips, following my movements. We didn't have a habit of talking much when we were together, but listening to James turned me on even more, I loved hearing him voice his pleasure and what I was doing to him.  
«You too....!» I winced, trying to hold back and resist the urge to move my hips faster. I closed my eyes, tilted my head back and lost myself in the pleasure. Blindly I found James' hands on my hips, interlacing my fingers with his. «Fuck, James....»  
«You look so bloody sexy like that, I love watching you....» James huffed. «God, you're so perfect.» I opened my eyes to look at him. Still thrusting down on him I leaned forwards, supporting myself on my arms.  
«Yeah? Even when I wake you up and beg you to fuck me?» I asked innocently and bit my lip, staring straight into his eyes.   
«Fuck, yes,» he breathed and kissed me hungrily, sucking at my bottom lip then tugging at it with his teeth. I wanted more, I wanted him deeper inside me, so I sat up straight again, spreading my legs even more as I moved faster against him. James' fingers were digging hard into my hips. With eyes closed and my head tilted back, my hands found my own breasts, kneading them roughly as I rode him hard and fast. I rolled my nipples between my fingers, tugging a little at them, going by nothing but instinct and primal desires. «Jesus, Emily.. wait...» James huffed. I froze, throwing my eyes open to look at him. He seemed a little flustered. I leaned over him, cupping the side of his face with my hand.   
«What, baby?» I whispered, giving him a peck on the nose before hovering over his mouth. Not being able to help it I began moving my hips again slowly.  
«Watching you like that is just... too much,» he whispered against my lips, and I felt the hint of a smile. «And I don't want to just come yet...»   
«Okay...» I whispered back, still hovering over his mouth. I gave control over to James, letting his hands on my hips decide my movements and the pace. He held me still, gyrating his hips up against me slowly, enabling us to just enjoy being connected. I cupped his face in my hand, looking into his eyes as I bit my lip and let out a little moan, showing him that this still felt amazing. I couldn't help but smile at him, loving the closeness and the slow, considerate pace. «This feel so.. good...» I said breathily. «Having you inside me feels so amazing.» My breathy whispers made the passion flare up in James again, he took my lips in a hungry, needy kiss, sucking on my top lip and then my bottom lip. I winced into his mouth as he pushed his hips a little harder up against me. Wrapping his arms tightly around my waist he flipped us over on the bed without breaking our kiss. I relaxed against the pillow, letting him stay in control. His wet lips slid across the skin on my neck and chest, finding a nipple again as he began thrusting a little harder into me. I felt his stubble against the thin, sensitive skin on my breast, and his hair as it brushed over my chest. Instinctively I arched my back, raising my chest up against his mouth as I buried my hands into his hair, enjoying everything he was doing to me. James slid an arm underneath me, wrapping it around my waist, holding me closer as he moved faster, breathing heavy now. I huffed and moaned without even being aware of it, wrapping my legs almost around his waist in an effort to force him deeper inside me. James slowed and looked at me with a smirk, then looking at my legs wrapped around his waist.   
«How flexible are you, exactly?» He mused, looking up at me again.  
«You're welcome to find out...» I said, returning the smirk. James hooked an arm under my knee and gently pushed my leg towards my body, in the end almost draping my leg over his shoulder.   
«Very, apparently!» He said a little surprised. «Is it uncomfortable?» He asked, studying me a little. I shook my head and smiled at him.   
«No, not at all.» I bent the other leg towards my own body and James draped that over his other shoulder.  
«Jesus...» he muttered, looking at how I was nearly bent double underneath him. He moved his hips forward gently as he looked at me, pushing deeply into me. «You sure this is okay...?» he asked gently. I tossed my head back and bit my lip as he thrust into me, feeling him deeper than ever.   
«Oh god, yes...!» I winced, digging my fingertips into his arse. James' movements were tentative at first, still a little worried that this position would be uncomfortable or painful for me. Lying like this under James made me feel completely enveloped by him, and as he pushed into me I felt him inside me in a way I hadn't quite felt before. When all James heard from me was groans and winces of pleasure he became a little more confident and thrust harder into me, quickly building in speed. The excitement and feel of a new position that obviously seemed to work for both of us made the intensity of pleasure rise quickly in both of us. This position made it hard to kiss James, my legs were in the way, but I craned my neck and managed to find his lips anyway and sucked on them desperately. James was working fast, and I felt how the orgasm was drawing ever nearer. Gasping incoherent words of ecstasy I clawed at James' arse, dragging my fingernails over his skin, clinging on to him as the orgasm built within me far quicker than I managed to keep up with. «Oh jesus...!» I managed to hiss in that millisecond of nothingness just as your body seizes up and gives over to a wave of bliss. Having been to caught up in my own pleasure I barely realised that James had given over to his own climax before me. When my legs stopped trembling and I managed to open my eyes again, James let go of my legs to let me straighten them again.   
«That was a new one...» I panted, still out of breath.  
«How in gods name did you become so flexible? That isn't natural, Emily!» He pointed out. «It's not a complaint, though! It's an observation!» He added hastily. That had become a catchprase of his.   
«No idea,» I laughed. «It's nifty though, sex and a good stretch-out, all in one go!» James laughed and shook his head a little at me. «I liked that, though,» I added, cupping his face with my hands and kissing him softly.   
«Me too,» he said when he had returned my kiss. «Apart from the fact that I was worried I would snap you in half,» he added.   
«You didn't, and it felt amazing,» I smiled and kissed his cheek. «Sorry for waking you, though, I don't know what got over me. I just... had to have you.»  
«Don't apologise,» James said mildly. «The day you can't be arsed waking me up for sex, that's the day I'm dreading! But I was tired, so I had to make you work a little for it,» he added with a victorious smirk.


	40. Chapter 40

Little did James know that I had a surprise of my own. Next wednesday, when he went off to Guildford to record the studio bits for another Top Gear episode, I went off to take my final motorcycle driving test. To my immense relief and joy I passed, and immediately went off to treat myself to my very own Dainese motorcycle jacket and trousers, along with a helmet, gloves and boots. The bike itself would have to wait, I needed James' help to find out what bike I should get. Giddy with excitement I waited for the time when the shoot would normally be wrapped up and the guys would be on their way home. Not because I wanted to call James, but Richard.  
«Hello?»  
«Hi, it's me, Emily! Are you on your way home?»  
«Ems! Yeah, I'm in my car, shoot finished half an hour --- You're aware you've called me, now, right, not James?» He asked, cutting himself off. I heard the swoosh and roar of distant traffic in the background.  
«Of course,» I said with a chuckle. «It's you I wanted to talk to, actually. I wanted to ask you for a favour.»  
«A favour? Oooh, I'm curious now!»  
«Well, I want to surprise James, and I might need some help with it...» I continued vaguely.  
«Surprise? For James? Okay, what do you need me to do? Take some photos of you in your underwear? Do a nude painting?» I couldn't help but giggle at Richard's eagerness and his harmless flirting, he'd always been that way and would always be.  
«Calm down, hamster,» I said, pretending to be stern. «It's nothing like that.»  
«Aaw,» Richard said, acting disappointed. But he rallied quickly. «What is it, then?»  
«Well, I've been taking motorcycle lessons all summer without James knowing it, and I just got my license today,» I began explaining.  
«You did? Wooow, congratulations! That's so cool, James will love that!» Richard said enthusiastically.  
«Thank you!» I said, smiling stupidly at myself, being a little proud and happy to be done with it.  
«James really has no idea?» Richard asked.  
«No, I don't think so. I took most of my lessons when he was really busy with Man Lab... He asked me why I had never gotten a license when we went for a bike-ride once, but that was nearly three months ago, I doubt he even remembers.»  
«Ooh, this is great!» Richard exclaimed, and I could hear the glee in his voice over the phone. There was a little silence. «How about we... humm.... I might have an idea, actually!»  
«Really? That's great, because I don't!» I admitted. Richard made is suggestion, and we quickly made a plan for how we'd surprise James this coming weekend. Without even hesitating he agreed to lend me a motorcycle, saying he had complete faith in me and my driving abilities. «Great. Thank you so much, Richard! I'm excited now!»  
«So am I! This'll be fun! Talk you you later!» We said our goodbyes and I did a mad little jig around the kitchen. I had called Richard just to check if he had any ideas, I hadn't expected such a level of eagerness and so much help from him. But he genuinely seemed excited about the idea, and now I was too and couldn't wait to see James' reaction in a few days. I busied myself with making food, having promised James to make some dinner for when he got back from the studio. James was normally the one who cooked in this household, or we did it together. I just wanted to do something nice for him. So I'd searched around for something to make, and thinking I wanted to try something I'd never made before I ended up with a recipe for chicken pie.

An hour later I vaguely heard James' voice and the slam of the front door over the music in the kitchen.  
«In here!» I called out, trying to tidy up the mess I had made while making dinner. James appeared in the kitchen doorway looking a little tired, but happy to be home.  
«Something smells good!» He said happily. With a smile he wrapped his arms around me and gave me a kiss.  
«Always the tone of surprise,» I said and rolled my eyes at him, then returned his kiss. «Chicken pie. Ready in 5 minutes.» James disappeared upstairs to get all the make-up from the shoot off his face, then we sat down to our dinner and our wine.  
«You know, that whole excuse of 'oh I can't cook' isn't going to work anymore, because you just proved you can if you want to!» James said, pointing at me with his fork. «This is good!» he added, humming happily.  
«And cooking for someone you love makes it more fun,» I said, and found myself blushing a little. James smiled happily and we ate in silence for a bit. Internally I was struggling, almost bouncing in my chair, I wanted so badly to tell James about passing and getting my license. But I had decided to make it a surprise, now I had to stick with it.  
«Oh by the way, Hammond asked if I wanted to come on this motorcycle charity thing this Saturday,» James said as he put down his knife and fork. «It's up in Hereford somewhere.»  
«Really? That sounds fun?» I offered, trying to sound convincingly surprised.  
«Yeah, it would be fun» he conceded. «I haven't been on a motorcycle ride with Hammond for ages. I just wanted to check what your plans for the weekend are?» James looked straight at me, and I struggle to keep a straight face.  
«Well, Cathy asked me today if I wanted to come down to Brighton for the weekend, they have a place down there... You know, girl's trip, shopping and girly cocktails,» I lied. I didn't like lying to James, it went against all my instincts, but this was for a good cause. «I haven't seen Cathy much after I started the new job.» On the inside I was giggling madly. I had called Cathy earlier, just to check if it was all right with her that I used her as a cover-story, and she was. «So, boy's weekend for you and girl's weekend for me, then?» I smirked. James nodded his approval.  
«If you'll be gone all weekend there's no point in me sitting around here. Hammond would just be offended,» he observed. Inwardly I breathed a sigh of relief as the first part of our plan had gone well

Two days later, on Friday afternoon, I was running around the house packing, getting ready to leave. James had lent me the Panda as per usual, and I was getting oddly attached to that stupid little car.  
«James! I'm done packing, I'll be leaving any minute!» I called through the house, James was writing on his computer in the study. I stuffed my wallet, phone and keys into a handbag, mentally checking that I had everything, then put my shoes on. James entered the hallway, looking from the bag by the door and over to me with a forlorn expression. «Aw, what's wrong?» I asked, taking a few steps towards him. James leaned his forehead against mine, sighing heavily. His hands were rubbing my hips slowly.  
«Don't go,» he asked quietly. «I don't want to be here without you. I hate being in this house alone,» he added sulkily.  
«Oh, James...» I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, caressing his neck. «Imagine how it's like for me every time you go away for work?» I reminded him, but not unkindly.  
«I know, I don't know how you do it,» he said, still sulking.  
«It's just for a few nights,» I soothed. «You'll have fun, and I'll have fun. And we'll see each other in a few days.» On the inside I was giggling again, knowing James would see me far sooner than he thought. «And in little over a week you and I are going to Bali, and it'll be just the two of us for two long, amazing weeks.» At this James smiled a little despite himself, then sighed again.  
«I know, you're right,» he said, and gave my nose a kiss. «Have fun, yeah? But not too much fun. Don't... attract any men,» he added vaguely. James wasn't really the jealous kind, but then again he was often with me if I went to the pub or out to party and really didn't have any cause to be. But now he thought I was going to Brighton for a fun night out with a female friend, and part of him didn't like the scenario.  
«James, this is Brighton. If I'll attract anything, it'll be some militant lesbian.» He chuckled a little despite himself.  
«Don't mess around with them either!» He warned.  
«I'm done with my experimental phase, love. I'll call when I get down there,» I promised. «Be careful on the bike ride, okay?» James nodded and pulled me in for a long, lingering kiss.  
«I love you,» he said, his voice full of emotions.  
«I love you more,» I said with a smile. James stuffed his hands in his pockets and watched me sadly as I pulled on my jacket and picked my bag and handbag off the floor. He followed me to the door and leaned against the frame with his hands still in his pockets. «You look like the most miserable spaniel that ever lived,» I observed, failing to hide back a smirk. He reminded me of what my dog back home used to do when she'd figured out I was leaving the house, which was to lie down on the sofa with her head between her front paws and look at me with sad puppy eyes.  
«I miss you already,» he said, his voice sulky and sad again. I stepped close to him and rubbed my nose against his.  
«You are such a soppy git!» I said with a little smile and kissed him. His unwillingness to let me go made me feel loved and needed, but I couldn't help but smile a little at his childish sulking all the same. If James and I had spent a few days apart it was always James who went away somewhere for work, so this was a departure from tradition. James wasn't used to being the one left home alone, I was always home whenever he was. «See you before you know it,» I whispered before resolutely marching away from him and heading for the Panda.

Driving out of London I headed west, and not south like I had told James. First I stopped by the place where I had bought my motorcycle gear, having agreed to pick it up right before closing time that day. As instructed I called Hammond when I had passed Gloucester, and he gave me directions on how to find his place. Driving up to the house I felt my jaw drop. The idiot did actually live in an honest-to-god castle. The front door opened and four dogs bounded out, barking happily, followed by Hammond.  
«Oy! Behave! No jumping!» Richard tried marshalling his dogs, but the minute I got out of the car they were all over me, fighting to be the first to greet me and get some attention. «I'm sorry, they have no manners,» he apologised.  
«Like owner, like dog,» I laughed, trying to greet four dogs at once. I crooned stupidly at them, saying hello and telling them how cute they were. «Aw, I miss having dogs,» I sighed, looking up at Hammond.  
«You're living with a spaniel!» Richard said, his eyes twinkling.  
«Ha-ha.» I got up, still surrounded by wagging tails and happily panting dogs. «Richard, you do actually live in a castle.»  
«Yes! Yes I do! Welcome!» He said, stretching his arms out and pulling me in for a quick hug. He picked my bag up from the ground and gestured towards the door. «Come on, get inside. Mindy is waiting, she's excited about seeing you again!» I followed Richard and the pack of dogs inside. The house smelled of food, and Mindy was busy in the kitchen making dinner. She squealed and gave me a big hug and a glass of wine.  
«Emily! Oh my gooood! Long time, no see!» She grinned, almost forgetting to stir around in pots and pans.  
«I know! What has it been, 8 months or so?» I replied and had a sip of my wine.  
«Christmas party, so yes, something like that! Not that strange though, you've had quite the year so far, from what I've heard,» she said airily.  
«Yeah, there's been a lot of... stuff going on,» I admitted, looking into my glass of wine.  
«I'd say! But thank god you and James finally got your thumbs out of your arses and got together!» She said loudly. I nearly choked on my wine and let out a loud laugh.  
«Oh god, Jezza said the same thing. Was it really that obvious?!»  
«Heavens, yes! You two had hearts in your eyes and fat little, naked cupids flying around your heads every time you looked at each other!» She giggled. After that we chattered non-stop, eventually boring Richard out of the kitchen entirely. Right before dinner their girls Izzy and Willow made their appearance and greeted me politely. They were so adorable and sweet it could make your teeth rot instantly. Eventually we all sat down for a lovely, but loud dinner. Mealtimes at the Hammond familiy houseshold was the exact opposite to what mealtimes was at home. Our dinners were calm and quiet, we chatted and laughed but this was just chaos in comparions. But fun chaos. The two girls were loud and silly, having fun with their daddy, the pack of dogs were constantly circling the table, trying to charm someone into dropping food. Meanwhile, Mindy and I were trying to keep up a conversation. It reminded me of family dinners back home in Norway with my siblings, nieces and nephews. After dinner Mindy played games with the kids while Richard and I tidied up the kitchen, chatting about what type of motorcycle I could get. Suddenly remembering I had forgotten to call James I ran outside and called him quickly, apologising a lot. James sounded a little more cheerful then when I had left, Colin had come over and they were having a few beers. I told him I loved him and we said our goodbyes. When the kids had gone to bed the house got a little more quiet. The three of us sat down with a glass of wine and chatted until midnight. Mindy and Richard were great fun to be with, easy-going and funny, and I made a mental note that James and I should spend more time with them. 

The next morning I was awoken by someone gently shaking my foot. Opening my eyes I was surprised to see Richard by the foot of the bed in the guest-room, clad in a tight, white v-neck t-shirt and plaid pyjama bottoms. His hair was a little on end and the thought of how good he looked flitted through my subconscious. For a vague moment I wondered if I was having a dream about Richard I shouldn't be having.  
«Oh thank god, I thought you'd died!» He burst out with relief. «Sorry, I tried knocking.»  
«Muh? Oh, morning Richard,» I muttered, then yawned widely.  
«Coffee and breakfast in five minutes! The girls have already gone, shopping and then off to Mindy's parents,» he waved and disappeared out of the room. To clear my thoughts I shook my head vigorously, then got out of bed and padded downstairs in just my pyjama bottoms. As I entered the kitchen I was eagerly met by the pack of dogs again, all greeting me happily. I spent a few minutes on the kitchen floor, letting myself be overwhelmed by them for a little, then I helped Richard make breakfast. A little later we settled down with omelet, toast and coffee. «Good weather for a ride!» Richard observed, looking out at the blue skies dotted with clouds.  
«Yeah...» I nodded and smiled. «Should be great.» After ten minutes of me silently playing with my food, not really eating much, Richard decided he'd had enough.  
«Awful quiet we are today? Nervous?» He raised his eyebrows quizzically.  
«Well I.. yeah, a little,» I conceded, squirming a little in my chair.  
«Why?»  
«I'm nervous I'll crash your bike,» I muttered.  
«Oh, don't be. And if you DO crash, I wouldn't worry about the bike, after all it's just a thing, I'd be far more worried about you! So I'd prefer if you didn't crash, but that isn't because I'm concerned about a stupid heap of metal,» Richard waved, having a sip of his coffee.  
«I'll try not to,» I said with a reassuring little smile. «I'm nervous about the surprise, too. Excited, but nervous. I mean, what if he doesn't like it? If he gets... I don't know, angry or doesn't like that I've kept it a secret or-» Richard cut me off.  
«Oh stop being silly, Emily! Of course he'll like it, and he definitely won't be angry! Why would he?»  
«Well, I...» I wrung my hands, not knowing the answer.  
«See, you're just fussing for no reason whatsoever,» Richard said firmly. «He's talked about you getting a license, right? I think it's a great surprise, and if he finds any reason to be a tosspot about it then I'll.. I'll kick his bike over!» I laughed at the angry, little Brummie working himself up, and instantly felt a little better. He was right, I was fussing for no reason. After breakfast we both retreated to our respective bathrooms and had quick showers, getting ready to go out.  
«Emily! Grab your kit and come outside when you're done, I'll be in the shed!» I heard Richard's voice as he passed the guest room I was staying in. My new gear was in the backseat of the Panda, and I quickly got into the leather trousers and boots, feeling giddy and nervous. It would be my first motorcycle ride completely on my own. I slipped my jacket on but kept it open, tucked my helmet under my arm and headed for what Richard referred to as 'the shed'. It was more like a huge storage building, filled with cars and bikes. Having heard my footsteps Richard popped up from behind a bike he'd been fiddling with. He opened his mouth as if he was about to say something but he froze, staring at me.  
«What?!» I asked, a little panic-stricken. «Did I put something on wrong? Did I forget something?!» I looked down, seeing my open leather jacket, my plain top and the biker pants, everything seemed to be in the right way.  
«Nothing, just... James is a lucky man,» Richard said airily, but couldn't quite stop himself from eyeing me up and down a few times. He gave a random shrug with his shoulders and I could have sworn I saw the hint of a blush on him. A number of responses flitted through my head, I even contemplated flirting just as outrageously back at him. Mindy was a lucky woman; Richard was handsome, funny, great with his kids and a huge animal-person.  
«Well... I'm a lucky woman,» I said. I thought of James, everything he meant to me and how we were as a couple. I imagined him smiling lovingly at me, the way his eyes crinkled when he luaghed, or how he kissed me. A wave of love and adoration washed over me, making me blush and smile a little at myself.  
«You two really love each other,» Richard observed, having seen how my expression changed as I thought of James.  
«I can't speak for him, but... I do, at least. Very much,» I admitted. Clearing my throat I looked pointedly around at the array of bikes, cars and other vehicles in the huge building. «Bloody hell, Richard...!»  
«I know, it's ridiculous,» he waved, sounding like he'd heard it a million times before. «It's obscene, I know, and I don't need them all. But I love them,» he said stubbornly. «Now, lets find you a bike!» Richard milled around a little, eyeing his collection of bikes, and in the end he chose a black Triumph Bonneville. It was jet black and looked like a classic, British motorcycle, and I fell in love immediately. Richard picked up a Kawasaki for himself and then we set off for a trial run. 

I was terrified at first. Suddenly I didn't have anyone watching over me which felt asburd, there was no instructor that I could talk through via bluetooth and I felt abandoned. How could someone be so apocalyptically stupid as to allow me to drive around on my own on one of these? Soon I realised that this was a little different, and far less stressful than riding in and around London. This was pure country roads, quiet and gorgeous, and I felt myself relaxing and settling down, just enjoying the thrill of driving on my own. Richard and I pottered around Hereford for three quarters of an hour, doing a loop that ended up back at his house.  
«You ride like a pro!» Richard said as he took off his helmet.  
«You look relieved...» I teased from where I sat straddling the bike, raising an eyebrow at him.  
«All right, I might have expected it to not go quite that well,» he conceded with a shrug of his shoulders.  
«Um.. Thank you, I think,» I said as I set down the sidestand and climbed off the bike. Richard checked his watch, then sparked up a cigarette, going over our plan one last time. Feeling the stress-levels rise in me instantly I bummed a cigarette and puffed like crazy while I went over the plan with him. A little later I saw the back of Richard's bike disappearing into the distance, and I looked at my phone to check the time. Ten minutes. Then I'd be off.

_The little town centre of Ross-on-Wye was incredibly crowded. Richard wondered if all the motorcyclists in western England had shown up, he'd never seen the town so packed with people. Then again, far from everyone was wearing bike-gear, many people were around just to watch bikes and see the kerfuffle. The fact that Richard had announced on Twitter that he and James would be attending probably hadn't helped matters. He hunted down the registration office and signed himself and Emily in, getting their start-numbers to attach on the bikes and on themselves. Then he rang up James who was already in town, and told him to meet him by the station, which was close to the starting line. To his surprise James got there before him. When Richard arrived he was leaning against his bike, having a cigarette in the sunshine._  
«Hello, mate!» Richard said as his bike came to a halt and he took off his helmet.  
«Hammond!» James replied. «Bloody hell, this place is packed,» he added. A group of onlookers were already gathering around them, but at a polite distance for now. They were staring just as much at the TV-presenters as their bikes. Some were looking around suspiciously, as if they expected to see the camera crew appearing any minute.  
«Yeah, putting on Twitter that we were doing this might not have been the best idea,» Richard muttered through the corner of his mouth.  
«You pillock!» James sighed.  
«Yes, yes, whatever, they can't all follow us around when we set off anyway,» Richard said carelessly. «By the way, I have a mate coming with us.»  
«Mate? Anyone I know?» James said, frowning a little. He rifled through the index of Richard's friends that he'd met, trying to remember if any of them drove motorcycles.  
«Yeah, you might know who she is,» he said, averting his eyes as he found it increasingly difficult to keep an entirely straight face.  
«She?» James repeated, looking even more confused.  
«Yes, it's a she. Shame on you for assuming it was a bloke,» Richard said and lit up a cigarette of his own. Leaning against his bike like James did he kept an eye on the road where Emily was most likely to appear. He heard and recognised the sound of the engine before he even spotted her. 'Good girl' he thought to himself as he straightened up and threw his fag-end on the ground, treading on it.  
«Isn't that one of yours?» James observed as the bike with the, to him, unknown driver appeared around a corner.  
«Yeah, she's borrowing it, she hasn't bought one herself yet.» 


	41. Chapter 41

The minute I turned the corner I spotted James and Richard. Since I was driving at such a low speed I was worried I was going to lose balance and fall of the bike, especially now that I knew they were watching me. James took my breath away where he stood leaning against his motorcycle with his leathers on, jacket zipped open with a white t-shirt underneath. He took his aviators on as I approached, and his eyes were staring a hole through me, curiosity written all over his face. Could he recognize me just from my shape? My visor was tinted so he wouldn't be able recognize me until I took my helmet off. My stomach did a violent lurch of anxiety and my heart was pounding in my ears, the sound made many times louder by the fact that I had a helmet on. I breathed a sigh of relief when I managed to come to a somewhat controlled and dignified halt in front of the two men. Kicking the side-stand down I leaned the bike on it, waved quickly at the men then dismounted. Richard waved back, but James just kept staring, arms hanging limply down his sides. I took three deliberate steps towards James and stopped right in front of him, then I took off my gloves and popped open the chin-strap on my helmet. A thousand butterflies were panicking in my stomach and I could hardly breathe, but I found myself smiling from ear to ear within the depths of the helmet. I held my breath as I took my helmet off. James' face fell comically and his eyes widened as he struggled for a few seconds to come to grips with what he was seeing. His eyes went from me to the helmet I was holding, then to the bike I had driven and finally to Richard before they fell back on me. James looked like he was the personification of the term 'gobsmacked'.  
«Hello, handsome,» I said with a happy smile, wanting to spur James into speech.  
«Emily...» he said weakly, with a hint of a question mark at the end.  
«Captain slow strikes again, I see,» I said mildly. I took another step towards James and placed my hand on his chest, the cotton on his t-shirt warm from the heat of the sun. «Say something?» I asked, raising an eyebrow and biting my lip. He looked down at the hand resting on his chest, then up at me again. Everything seemed to go in slow-motion for him.  
«You got your license..?» He said, and now there was a trace of a smile on his lips.  
«Finally he's catching up!» Richard exclaimed in the background. I barely registered him, all that existed was James. We'd only been apart for a day, not even that, and still it felt like such an amazing relief to be near him again.  
«Yes!» I nodded eagerly, grinning widely up at him. «I've been taking lessons in secret all summer, took the final test on Wednesday!» James's face finally broke out into a wide smile.  
«But that's... that's great!» He said loudly.  
«You think?» I asked, biting my lip again. I needed reassurance, having been worried that James would somehow not like it.  
«Of course I do!» He said with a smile. «Congratulations, sweetie.» Disregarding the crowd of oogling onlookers, James cupped my cheek with his hand and gave me lingering kiss. When he let me go he looked at Richard with an eyebrow raised accusatorily.  
«I wanted to surprise you, so I recruited Richard,» I cut in before James had the chance to start on Richard. «Don't blame him, he's been nothing but helpful, he borrowed me a bike and got you to come up here. I stayed at theirs last night, met Mindy and the kids and all the dogs. I'm sorry that I had to tell a little white lie and say I was going to Brighton, I just needed a plausible cover-story...» I said, batting my eyelids at him in an effort to look innocent like Bambi.  
«Actually I prefer the thought of you having spent a night with the Hammonds then a drunken girl's night in Brighton,» he added.  
«When on earth did you become so jealous?» I said, pulling him in for another quick kiss by tugging on his unzipped jacket.  
«I don't know, but I'm sure it's all your fault,» he smiled, then took a step back to eye me up and down. «New gear?»  
«Yeah, I went on a wee shopping spree...» I admitted. «But I held off buying a bike, I thought I'd ask your help for that.»  
«For what it's worth, I'm sold on a Triumph already, you look bloody good on it,» he said with a flirty smile. From behind a heard the clearing of a throat.  
«If you two are quite finished gushing over each other, can we get this show on the road?» Richard cut in and handed me my starting number. «Slap that on the bike and that one on yourself, then lets go.» We geared up, got our numbers on and headed for the start-line. The race was starting in fifteen minutes, but most of the bikers had queued up already and were busy chatting to each other and smoking, straddling their bikes. James and Richard were quickly recognized and pulled a crowd. I was getting used to this now, that people came over to say hello and have a chat and maybe even a photo. And mostly I didn't mind, people were nice, polite and funny. The wait flew by, and suddenly the mass of motorcycles started moving, but slowly. The low speed and sheer amount of bikes made me have to concentrate hard, keeping an eye on the bikers around me as well as keeping my balance. Eventually the line spaced out, some people set off at high speeds while others, like us, thought of this race as a nice weekend drive and went easy. The 'course' they'd set up took about an hour and a half, and was mostly on country roads. Having James around made me nervous and self-conscious again, I was extra worried I'd do something stupid or maybe even dangerous. I wanted to be good at it, and I wanted him to think I was good at it. Eventually I managed to settle down and relax enough to enjoy the sunshine and the fact that I was on a motorcycle. The Triumph was a joy to drive, a whole world away from the dreary ones I'd had at driving school.

Before I knew it we re-entered Ross-on-wye and crossed the finish line, which was the same as the start line. Richard came to a halt and so did James and I. He looked at us and shouted over the din of the engines. «Food! I'm starving! Follow me!» We followed him to a pizza place and parked. The town had quieted down a little and miraculously we got a table. It was a relief to get out of the helmet and the leather jacket, and I sank down into a booth with a happy sigh. We quickly ordered our food and Richard disappeared out for a cigarette and to ring Mindy. James sank down beside me and looked at me pointedly.  
«Hello, sweetie,» he said and kissed me. I smiled back at him and tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear.  
«You're all right with me having gotten my license, right? I mean, just because I have, that doesn't mean I'll always have to come with you, if you want to go just with your mates I completely underst--» James raised his hand to cut me off.  
«Of course I am, why wouldn't I be? I think it's amazing... And I think you're amazing,» he said with a smile, cupped my face in his hands and gave me a long, deep kiss, completely disregarding the crowded restauraunt. When he spoke he seemed happy and sincere. He kept his arm around me, hand resting on my lower back, and I relished the contact. «We should go on a motorcycle holiday sometime, just you and me. I've been thinking about it all during the race, which countries we could go to, where they have good roads or places to see.»  
«That sounds amazing, I'd like that,» I smiled back. James leaned in a little closer, lowering his voice a little so only I could hear.  
«You look so bloody good driving that,» James said as he briefly looked out through the window at the Triumph. «It's been very difficult to keep my eyes on the road. I thought having you on the back of my own bike was sexy, but watching you ride on your own is much, much better.» His hand was still on the small of my back, and as he spoke he slipped it underneath my t-shirt to caress the skin lightly with his fingertips. «Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to have an erection in leather trousers?» His voice was almost a whisper. I swallowed hard, partly out of arousal and partly out of nerves. I quickly looked around, making sure no one could have heard what he said. His words had also made me all hot and bothered, his compliments always did and now he was even turning me on.  
«No, I don't know how that feels...» I said with a little smirk. «I bet it's torture,» I added with a carless flick of my shoulders. He shook his head a little at me, knowing I was just teasing.  
«You're coming home with me tonight, right? You're not staying at Hammonds?» He asked, his eyes full of meaning. I had to swallow again in an attempt to find my voice, but all I managed was a nod and a hum of confirmation.  
«Good,» he sighed and closed the small gap between us to kiss me again. Suddenly feeling in a teasing mood I placed my hand on his knee and slid it up his thigh as I returned his kiss, and I felt his sharp intake of breath against my lips.  
«Oh for the love of... Get a room, will you?» Richard had returned from his phonecall to find us kissing like a pair of lovesick teenagers. «You've been together for what, eight months now? Shouldn't your honeymoon period be over soon?» He said a little irritably as he fell down into his seat and lunged for his glass of coke. I hadn't even noticed that the waiter had come over with our drinks. I giggled and hid my red face against James' shoulder, taking in the smell of him.  
«Don't mind him, he's just a jealous, angry little man,» James said and gave me a little squeeze. Just as Richard opened his mouth to argue back the pizzas arrived to distract him. I gave James' thigh one last, teasing squeeze before removing my hand. He gave me a warning look and I rolled my eyes innocently back at him.  
After we'd finished our dinner I bade farewell to James again for a little while. He was going back to London on his motorcycle, stopping by at his sister on the way. I was going back to Richard's to return his bike before I headed home in the Panda. Having returned the bike I spent a few minutes cuddling the dogs before packing the car. Before leaving I thanked Richard heartily for lending me his bike and for all his help. I gave him a long, grateful hug and promised to come back to visit and to come play with Richard's quad bikes. Privately I was anxious to get home. James' words and his gentle touch on my back had put me in a right state. All I could think of was James, his smell, his skin, his hands, the way he touched me and kissed me.


	42. Chapter 42

I heard the motorcycle engine as James turned onto our street. I heard how it slowed and eventually stopped, then the garage doors opening. Knowing I didn't have much time I ran upstairs to prepare. After what felt like an eternity I heard James come into the house.  
«Emily?»  
«Up here!» I called. I watched him as he appeared in the hallway, immediately heading for the stairs as he thought I was upstairs. When he noticed me at the top of the stairs he came to an abrupt halt.  
«Fucking hell...» he gasped, staring up at me with his mouth hanging open. Wanting to give James his second surprise of the day I had stripped down to nothing but a sexy pair of lace knickers and my leather biker jacket, which was closed half way up. James kept staring, drinking me in, completely stunned by what he was seeing. Tired of waiting for him to do or say something I just gave him a coy smirk, turned on my heels and began walking towards the bedroom. After a few seconds I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs, chasing after me. Just as I reached the bedroom door I felt his hand clasp mine, turning me around to face him. With another smile, a little more seductive this time, I pulled him inside the room and towards the bed, then pushed him down to sit. Being deliberately slow I swung a leg over his knees and sank down on his lap, straddling him. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and caressed the back of his neck. All the while James had just stared at me, wide-eyed, completley transfixed by my seductive determination. His hands fell to my bare thighs.  
«Hello, baby,» I said with a little smile. James had to swallow hard and clear his throat to get any sounds out, and even then it was just a faint croak.  
«Hi...» He looked at me expectantly, his eyes glittering, waiting for me to make a move. I licked my lips and bent down, brushing my lips over the skin beneath his ear.  
«Did you think of me on your way home...?» I breathed against his now wet skin.  
«Fuck, yes...» He said with a groan, tilting his head to the side to give me better access. His hands were rubbing my thighs slowly.  
«I thought about you too...» I admitted in a whisper as I slid my hands down his chest and sides before gripping his t-shirt and pulling it off him. «So, how do you like your second surprise of the day?» I asked as I straightened up, casually tossing his t-shirt on the floor. James eyed me up and down as he answered, staring at what little of my naked chest that was visible by the half-open leather jacket.  
«Just as much as the first, but in a very, very different way...» He said a little hoarsely.  
«I said I'd be waiting home for you one day wearing just a leather jacket, didn't I?» I smirked and gave him a long, deep kiss. James hummed throatily when I ran my tongue along his bottom lip then tugged at it a little with my teeth. As I kissed my way down his neck and chest I slipped off his lap and onto my knees on the floor in front of him. I stared deeply into his eyes as I slowly began undoing his belt and the buttons on his jeans. James watched every move I made, mesmerized by this new side I was showing him, one I hadn't though I possessed. Never before in my life had anyone made me feel so at ease, so safe or so comfortable as James had, in our relationship in general and in our sexlife. I trusted him completely now, and in a way I always had. In previous relationships I thought I had been able to relax and let go, but being with James had made me realise that I hadn't – there had always been some insecurities or some pressure there. But with James there was no pressure, no expectations, I could just have fun and explore new sides of myself. His compliments from earlier had boosted my confidence. The way he was reacting to me now, how he was completely hypnotized by everything I did fueled that confidence, it made me feel like I had power over him, that I was really lusted after and wanted. Having undone his jeans I tugged at his pockets and he raised his bum off the bed slightly so I could pull them off. The thin cotton fabric of his boxers did nothing to hide his erection. Seeing how aroused I had made him, was another confidence boost, and it turned me on; I wanted nothing more than to touch his cock, make James moan and feel him inside me. While my hands caressed his legs and hips I kissed his lower thigh, slowly working my way upwards. Reaching the thin, sensitive skin on his inner thigh I dragged my teeth across is, biting ever so gently. A sharp intake of breath let me know that he was enjoying the sensation. Standing on my knees on the floor in front of him I arched my back as much as possible, making sure my bum stuck out for him to see while I kissed and licked my way up his thighs. I slid my hands up the outside of his thighs and slipped them inside his boxers, dragging my fingertips over his hips. Looking up at James I gave him a secretive smile and a lustful gaze before kissing his stomach, then I slipped a finger inside the waistband of his boxers and pulled it down just enough to expose the head of his cock which I until now had been carefully ignoring and avoiding. With a hum I licked my lips and gave the tip a featherlight kiss, then another. James sighed and ran his fingers through my hair. Opening my mouth I ran my tongue around him in circles and he hummed in reponse. He squirmed a little impatiently and I sensed how he was holding back from pushing himself into my mouth. I kept teasing his sensitive head, kissing and nipping at it, placing my lips around it as if I were to take him into my mouth, then going back to kissing. Deciding to put him out of his misery I pulled more on the waistband of his boxer to free his cock completely, then I closed my lips around him and enveloped him in the warmth of my mouth.  
«Bloody Nora!» He gasped, and his fingers dug into my shoulder. I bobbed my head, sliding his cock in and out of my mouth, tightening my lips around him to increase friction. Just as James let out a moan and shuddered with please I slid him out of my mouth, having decided before I even began that I was just going to tease him. James threw his eyes open when he felt my mouth suddenly disappearing. I let go of the waistband on his boxer and it snapped back, then I got to my feet. Leaning my arms on his thighs I bent down and kissed him lazily. «You are very... mean...» James punctuated his words with a kiss. At those words I pulled back and straightened up, and he looked up at me with exasperation. He knew I had pulled back just to punish him. Without saying a word I walked around the bed and laid down on it, resting my head comfortably against the pillow. James' eyes were still following me from where he sat at the foot of the bed. Spreading my legs a little I stretched out a hand towards him.  
«Come here,» I asked, and James crawled onto the bed. Standing on all fours over me he looked searchingly into my eyes, wondering who was in control now. I wrapped my hands around his neck, pulled his face to mine and kissed his mouth, then trailed kisses along his jaw and neck. Barely grazing my lips over his skin I spoke in a husky whisper. «I'm yours, James. Take me, do whatever you want with me...» As I spoke I trailed my fingertips along his spine, caressing his skin. In response to my words James raised his head and his mouth found mine. The kiss he gave me was completely different to how he had kissed me before, this was hungry and demanding, I had given over control and James was letting me know he had taken it. With a final hum he broke away then sat up, sitting on his knees between my legs. He let his eyes and hands trail over my body. Reaching the bottom hem of the leather jacket he slid his hands up along the fabric until they reached the half-closed zipper. He undid it slowly, not taking his eyes off his own hands. When the jacket was undone he pulled it open slightly, enough to almost expose my breasts, but not quite. He placed a palm between my breasts and slid it down my chest and stomach, then over my hip and thighs.  
«God, you are so sexy. You look absolutely... divine...» He sighed as he trailed his hands over my body. I felt how I blushed furiously, not able to help myself. With a little smile he leaned over me again, his hair falling across his face as he brought it close to mine. «I find it amazing that you can meet me dressed like that, seduce me and arouse me so completely, then almost spontaneously combust with embarrassment when I tell you how bloody sexy I think you are,» he said with a little laugh. He didn't give me a chance to blush a second time as his lips attacked mine. Resting his bodyweight against me he trailed passionate kisses down my neck, dragging his teeth over my skin as he hit my collarbone. I ran my hands down his back and slipped them into his boxers, squeezing his arse, relishing the feel of his skin against mine even if the leather jacket lessened that somewhat. James continued the exploration of my body with his lips, pulling aside the leather jacket enough to expose a breast and take my nipple in his mouth. I winced with pleasure and dragged my fingernails across the skin on his bum and lower back. In return he sucked harder on my nipple and tugged at it with his lips before letting go. Inching a little further down the bed he nuzzled and kissed my stomach as his hands slid to my panties and began pulling them down. More than willingly I raised my hips a little to help him get them off. Once they were gone I impatiently pulled James back up the bed and tugged at his boxers, fighting to get them off. All my previous thoughts of being slow and teasing were gone now, I wanted him and I wanted him now. James helped me with the boxers then came to rest on top of me again.  
«I want you so much,» I said, staring straight into his eyes. James had to swallow hard to find his voice.  
«I want you more,» he replied then leaned in to kiss me. Wet, soft lips pressed tenderly against mine and I felt James' tongue against my own. I was so focused on James' kiss that I hadn't noticed him slipping his hand between us to guide himself inside me.  
«Oh, shit..!» The sensation of him pushing himself into me made me moan loudly against his mouth, partly out of surprise but mostly out of pleasure. James gave a low, strained groan and began moving his hips slowly. He buried his face against my neck as he worked into me, moaning a little with every thrust. I dug my fingertips into James' arse and breathed heavily in his ear. I was still wearing the leather jacket which was restricting my movements a little, but I didn't have a mind to take it off. James slowed his pace and raised himself on his arms a little to look down at me.  
«This isn't going to last long...» he admitted breathlessly with an exasperated little shake of his head. «You've worked me up far too much..»  
«I don't care, just don't stop..» I begged, burying my fingers in his hair and pulling his face down to mine, kissing him frantically. I wrapped a leg around his hip, using it to push him harder and deeper inside me. James swore and groaned against my mouth, thrusting faster into me. As our pleasure increased we lost the ability to kiss each other, all we could do was huff and moan against each others mouths, far too focused on grinding and thrusting, chasing pleasure. I buried my face against James' neck as I raised my hips to meet him as best I could, the pace ever increasing. James slipped an arm around my lower back, holding me close as he worked against me. «Oh god, James, fuck...» I winced, clutching at his back. The familiar, glowing itch in the pit of my stomach warned me that my body wanted to give over. «James, I'm close,» I gasped, my movements a little more erratic against him. These words seemed to spur James on and he thrust harder and faster into me. The increase in intensity made us both orgasm within seconds, bucking and shaking against each other to try and ride out our orgasm for as long as we could,. James collapsed on top of me and we slipped into our post-orgasmis bliss, our breathing and heartbeats slowly returning to normal. Lazily I ran my fingers down his spine. When he had regained the strength and breath for it, James raised himself up on his arms and looked at me.  
«I never got so far as taking that jacket off you...» he said, a little apologetic.  
«I suspect you secretly wanted me to keep it on,» I retorted mildly. James blushed a little and blinked a few times, smiling embarrassedly.  
«Yes, I did actually,» he admitted.  
«I really didn't mind,» I said reassuringly. James moved so that he sat beside me and held out his arms for me, motioning for me to sit up.  
«Here,» he said mildly, taking the leather jacket off me and tossing it on the floor. The loss of its warmth, and James', instantly made me shiver. James saw and pulled the duvet over me as I laid back down, resting against the pillow. Lying on his side next to me James draped a leg over mine and wrapped his arm around me, then leaned down to kiss my mouth softly. I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation of James kissing me and gently brushing his nose against my cheek. After a long, blissful silence I opened my eyes lazily to look at James, only to find him looking back at me. The look in his eyes was full of emotions, but I couldn't quite figure out what kind.  
«You all right, sweetie?» I asked, running my hand through his hair and tucking a strand behind his ear. He smiled and nodded weakly.  
«I'm so much more than all right,» he said with a sigh, his voice full of meaning. I raised my eyebrows a little at him. James raised himself up on one elbow and looked intently at me, caressing my cheek with his thumb. «My happiest memory will always be the first time our eyes met. The first time you touched my hand. Because then, I just knew that it was you.»  
«Me..?» I asked a little stupidly.  
«I knew that you were going to change my entire existence, and that I was never going to let you out of my life ever again. I know I don't say this often enough, but... I have never been in love with anyone the way I am in love with you. And I have never loved anyone as deeply as I love you. You mean everything to me.» When I tried to speak my voice came out in a choked squeak, my throat constricted by a rapidly growing lump as emotions were welling up inside me. But amidst all the feelings I couldn't help but notice the seriousness of the situation.  
«James..? Are you practicing your wedding speech or something?» I asked, smiling widely even though my eyes were brimming with tears.  
«Is this good? Should I write this stuff down?» James asked, looking around as if he was looking for a pen and paper.  
«Yes. Yes you should,» I nodded fervently and giggled happily, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer. «Everything you just said to me... I feel exactly the same way. I love you,» I smiled then kissed him as tenderly and lovingly as I could, trying to express with my lips and my body what I wasn't able express as eloquently as James just had done.  
«Hammond is right, you know. Normally that.. 'honeymoon period' probably would have been over by now. But with you... I'm just as besotted with you now as I was on New Year's Eve. And kissing you still gives me the same, indescribable feeling as it did the first time I kissed you.» My bottom lip began wobbling dangerously again. I looked deeply into his eyes, completely taken by the moment, by James' words and the sincerity and emotions behind them.  
«I don't know what to say...» I sniffed. «Except that I'm bonkers about you, and love you with everything I have.»


	43. Chapter 43

«At the airport waiting for the flight taking me to Bali for two weeks! #MostExcitedI'veEverBeenInMyLife». Restless and giddy, I was using my iPad to occupy myself by being on twitter and emails, trying to make time go faster until we had to board. Thankfully the airport lounge had free Wifi. I was trying to remind myself that I was in for a long flight, about 7 hours to Qatar where we had a stopover, then about another 10 hours from Qatar to Bali, with a quick stop in Singapore for refuelling. Thankfully I had equipped myself with a pair of sleeping pills that would hopefully get me through the most of it. I had been so giddy and bouncy while packing and going to the airport James had compared it to travelling with his nieces and nephews. All of them. Simultaneously. The iPad made a plonk, notifying me of a reply to my tweet. «@Emily Amazing coincidence, I'm on my way there too! #MeetForADrink?» I laughed loudly as I read James' reply. He was sitting opposite me using his laptop, happy that I had managed to calm down enough to sit down and quietly play with my toy. Ever since James and I had gone 'public', we had become a public thing on Twitter as well. We didn't tweet each other that often, simply because we didn't need to, but whenever we did, like now, it caused a storm of replies. Most of them were fans of Top Gear or of James in general wishing us a good trip.

Coming to Bali was indescribable. Before arriving I had high expectations, but what met in Bali surpassed all of them. We were staying at a fantastic resort situated in an amazingly gorgeous bay. We had a bungalow all to ourselves, and even though there were bungalows around us they were all built in such a way that you felt like you had some privacy and were hidden from prying eyes. The bungalow had a small kitchen and a beautiful bathroom as well as a huge wooden balcony a few metres above the sea. Built into the floor of the balcony was a hammock, and lying in it meant you were suspended above the water with a gorgeous view of the bay and the ocean. I fell head over heels in love with the place. Seeing the clear, blue-green waters I nearly ran to the closest diving school and signed up for class, and spent 3-4 hours every day for the first week few days, first in an in-door swimming pool and then in the sea, and I had a few short lessons. On the fifth day I had completed my training and James and I could go on our first, proper dive. We stayed down for a few hours, and it was exactly as I remembered it was when I went for my first, short dive at 19. It was like entering a completely different world hidden within my own, almost void of sound except the rustle of water, but amazingly beautiful. Bali didn't get too hot, this time of year it stayed between 20 and 32 celcius, which was perfect for me. The sunshine, the warm water, the spicy scents permeating the air, it was exactly what I wanted and needed. James and I went for a few excursions, walking about town and the market, or went to see temples or other noteworthy places.

One evening we'd been out to a fantastic dinner and had gone back to our bungalow, lit a few candles on the balcony and crawled into the hammock to watch the sunset. We were nestled closely together amidst a pile of pillows, feeling warm, full and comfortable. As I lay there I became completely lost in my own thoughts. James' voice brought me out of my preoccupied silence.  
«Emily?»  
«Mm?» My eyes snapped back into focus and when I looked at James he saw that my eyes were full of melancholy.  
«Where were you just now? You look sad..» James said, looking concerned. I gave him a small smile, shaking my head a little.  
«I was just... thinking. You know... Nine years ago, pretty much to the day, I was planning how I was going to commit suicide.» The severity of these words seemed to hit James like a tonne of bricks, his face went pale and his eyes widened a little. He knew I'd had depressions and struggled for a long time, but I had never told him this.  
«Really..?» Was all he managed.  
«I was going to use my car, and I even knew which cliff to drive off so it was guaranteed to kill me. I sat in my living room with the car keys in my hand all night, fighting with myself. I just wanted out. I felt completely useless, and so worthless that I honestly thought I didn't deserve or was worth the food I was eating. Bitterness, guilt and shame was torturing me all the time, all I could think of was how life maybe could have been if my mum hadn't died, and of all the things I wasn't able to do; work, school, have a social life... I remember I used to say that I was too much of a coward to even commit suicide.»  
«Emily, why are you thinking about this..?» James asked. His face had a pained expression, it obviously hurt him to hear me talk about how my life had been.  
«Because... Looking back at how my life was then, it seems unbelievable that I'm even here, that I've come this far. My life has changed so completely. Back then I hated everything about my life, and most of all I hated myself. And now... I have everything I've ever wanted in life. I live in a fantastic city. I have a job that feels worthwhile, one I love doing. I have my family, and I have good friends. But most important of all; I have you.» All the love I had for James, and all the happiness I felt in my life hit me like a wave, making my eyes well up and my lower lip tremble. «And now... I'm here, in paradise, with the love of my life. This moment, right here, is the polar opposite to that moment when I sat staring at the car keys in my hand. Nine years ago I didn't think that I'd get to experience this level of happiness. Right now, everything is absolutely perfect.» A few tears escaped my eyes as I smiled at James. «I want to... thank you. For coming into my life, and for wanting me in yours. And for making me feel so loved. You care for me, you support me, understand me... You are everything I need. You're my home.» It was James' turn to struggle, he blinked hard a few times and fought with his own trembling bottom-lip.  
«... Are you the one practicing your wedding speech now?» He said in a constricted voice and I couldn't help but laugh and blush. «God, I love you so much,» he sighed and gave me a long, lingering kiss. When he broke away he looked at me quietly for a long time, running his hand over my hair. «It kills me to hear how much you suffered. Thank you for not taking you car out that night. I am so incredibly proud of you for fighting your way through that. You are the strongest person I know.»  
«Thank you,» I whispered and kissed him deeply. «I'm sorry, I just... had a mushy moment,» I sniffed, feeling myself blushing a little.  
«Meanwhile you're missing out on a great sunset,» James pointed out, as I was lying with my back to it. I turned around so I laid with my back against James' chest and wrapped his arm around my waist, interlacing my fingers with his. Taking in the sea and the sunset I took a deep breath and sighed happily.  
«James... as much as I love our life in London, can we just.. stay here forever?»  
«Mmm, it's a tempting thought, isn't it...» James agreed, nuzzling the back of my neck. «But you and me, we have so many other paradises to discover.» At this I smiled to myself.  
«I like the sound of that.»  
Our sixteen days on Bali went by way too quickly. We rented a car and spent two days driving around the entire island, both of us wanted to see as much as possible. We stayed at a hotel in a town about halfway around the island, leaving our beloved bungalow for a night. One day we went on a guided tour in the rainforest in the middle of the the island. What we saw on our travels was a country and a landscape that was absolutely breathtaking. I found myself not missing London, or the comforts of living in a huge city, at all. We managed to do some more diving, and the rest of the time we spent relaxing in the sun, reading books or talking. At night we usually went out for dinner and had a few beers. It was the first time I had James properly to myself since we went on our road trip the first week we were together, away from work and everything that laid claim to his time. It felt wonderful to be able to focus on nothing but each other, and even thought I didn't think it was possible I found myself falling even more in love with James. We were flirty and giggly and hopelessly, sickeningly in love with each other, and it showed. Almost daily we were asked if we were on our honeymoon.  
Wisely enough we had decided that our last day on Bali before going home was going to be a relaxing one. We'd gone for one last dive in the ocean, and then lazed about in the sun with our books for the rest of the day. I tried my best not to be in a bad mood. Our holiday had been fantastic and I had no right to sulk about going home. So in stead I kept quiet and tried to pass it off as being 'serenely silent'. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it. By late afternoon James appeared at the balcony door, looking stern.  
«Get up. Stop moping.» He said flatly, towering over me as I lay in the hammock.  
«I.. what? I'm not...» I stammered.  
«Oh don't even start» he said, his voice a little milder now. «I know you're sad about going home tomorrow, and I also know you're trying to hide it. Come on, lets go for a walk on the beach,» James said with a smile, hunching down and stretching out an arm for me to take. I took it and crawled gracelessly out of the hammock.  
«I'm sorry...» I mumbled a little ashamedly, hiding my face against his chest. «I'm an awful human being, I've just spent over two weeks in paradise and I have the nerve to be a mopey git.»  
«Oh shut up,» James said with a little giggle, cradling my face in his hands and pulled it up to his own, giving me a kiss. «Beach walk?»  
«Mhm,» I nodded. Realising that my sandals would just fill with sand anyway I left them behind. The sand was still warm from the heat of the sun as I stepped onto the beach from our bungalow. James took my hand and we headed away from the resort, the beach stretching out empty in front of us for what seemed like miles. The sun would soon be setting, and I felt another pang of sadness when I relised it was my last sunset on Bali. We walked in silence for a while, holding hands, hearing nothing but the sounds of the ocean and the birds. I stared at the sea, mesmerized by the beauty of it, and hardly knew what had happened when everything went dark. As my body caught up with its senses I realised that James had slipped a scarf over my eyes, and now he was tying it at the back of my head.  
«James! What are you doing?» I squealed and laughed.  
«It's a secret,» he said quietly into my ear, standing behind me. «And for it to remain a secret you have to not see anything.»  
«O.. kay...» I said a little hesitantly. My heart was beating faster and I couldn't stop myself smiling as my thoughts raced around in my head. What was the secret?  
«We'll have to walk a little bit, though.» James' voice was still close to my ear. His hands were trailing lightly up and down my arms, caressing me.  
«Ah. See, that is going to be a problem, because I can't see!» I pointed out dryly.  
«I'll guide you,» James said as he slid his fingertips down my arms. When he reached my hands he interlaced his fingers with mine. Holding my hands he began steering me forwards, and I took a few tentative, wobbly steps. Not having my vision made me feel disorientated and unbalanced, especially when walking on sand. I giggled at my own clumsiness, and so did James. It didn't take long before I decided to just trust James, however, as he supported and guided me forwards. Lacking a point of reference it felt like we walked miles, and James sensed my impatience. «Not far now.» James' hands let go of mine as we finally came to a halt, and his fingertips slid up my arms and shoulders, so lightly it caused me to erupt into goosebumps. «Ready?» My voice failed me, all I could do was nod vigorously as I held my breath. James untied the knot, fiddling with it unneccessarily, then gently removed the scarf. I blinked rapidly to adjust to the light and get everything into focus. Then I gasped. Before me was a cabana with a typical indonesian straw roof. It didn't have any walls, just a pillar in each corner that was draped in white curtains and adorned with gorgeous flowers. Underneath the roof was a dinner table and two chairs. A few torches were dug into the sand, and masses of lit lanterns were strewn on the beach all around the cabana. The sun was still setting, and the scene was absolutely breathtaking. Without even being aware of it I had covered my mouth with both of my hands in sheer surprise, and my eyes were welling up as I was trying to take it all in. «I was hoping you would do me the honor of having dinner with me tonight?» James said as he walked around to look at me. With my hands still covering my face all I could do was nod. I was at a complete loss for words as I looked from James and back to the perfect, romantic scene in front of me. Stretching out his hand to squeeze my shoulder, James raised his eyebrows at me. «Say something?» I removed my hands from my mouth and quickly wiped a few tears off my cheek.  
«Oh, James, I... I don't know what to... This is... Amazing. Thank you,» I stammered and sniffed. «But how did you..?» I asked.  
«I recruited the help of that nice woman back at the resort...» James began, obviously not remembering her name.  
«Kay?»  
«Yeah, her. It isn't the first time they've had requests to help with these sort of romantic ideas, she has some experience in these things. So she and I planned it all. I wanted to... give you a surprise. And make sure that your last night here was the best one, so you wouldn't be so sad about going home.» I smiled as James said this, amazed at how well it was possible for one human to know another. He had known that I'd be sad about leaving, and done this just to distract me from that.  
«Thank you sweetheart...» I smiled, finally having regained the use of my words. «God, I don't deserve this... You are really spoiling me.»  
«You deserve all of this and much, much more,» James said sincerely and cupped my face in his hands, kissing me softly. «Hmm... Champagne?» He suggested.  
«Yes, please,» I smiled. He took my hand and led me between the lanterns to the cabana and gestured for me to sit down. There was a champagnebucket half buried in the sand, filled with ice to keep the champagne cool. James quickly uncorked it and poured it into the tall glasses on the table, then handed a glass to me before sitting down.  
«I don't have any huge, romantic toast prepared..» James said, looking at his glass of bubbly. «So.. here's to you and me, sweetie,» he said and held out his glass, and I clinked it with mine.  
«To you and me,» I smiled back and had a sip. A silence fell between us, a strange and awkward one, as if we were on our first ever date and felt shy around each other. We both picked up on it at the same time and looked at each other, then burst out laughing.  
«I really thought the awkward dating-phase was over by now,» he chortled.  
«James, we never even really had that phase, did we?» I observed, also giggling.  
«We didn't really, no...» James nodded slowly. «I never felt particularly awkward with you, not even in the beginning. Which is strange, because that is usually my normal mode around people before I get to know them,» James admitted. Thinking back to the time when we first got to know each other I smiled wistfully.  
«I know what you mean. Spending time with you always felt... natural. You know, familiar. Even that first night when you came over and built all my furniture,» I laughed.  
«Oh god, I will never understand what possessed me to, normally I would never have had the courage to do something like that, just... barge into a womans' flat and start building furniture. And don't give me all the credit, you built just as much as me!»  
«It surprised me that you did. But I was also very excited about seeing you again,» I admitted. I realised that we'd never really talked about this before, about the first times we met and how we got to know each other.  
«When I realised you were in London, I couldn't wait, I had to see you again. Back in Syria, we met for such a short time, but I just.. I had to figure it out, had to see if whatever I had felt in Syria was just.. my imagination, or something real. Or brain damage,» he added with a smirk. «I felt bonkers just for thinking that I had felt anything, I mean... How could I? Like I said, we barely met and still I couldn't stop thinking about you. Getting to know people hasn't always been easy for me, and having feelings for anyone was something that always took time, I guess I was sort of guarded that way. But with you, that guard just... Disappeared.»  
«I'm glad it did.» I reached over the table and put my hand over James', squeezing it a little. Two weeks in Bali had given James quite a tan and made his hair go a little lighter. It suited him, making him look healthy and gorgeous. The white linen shirt he was wearing made him look even more tanned. "You are a very, very handsome man right now," I smiled, feeling how my heart beat a little faster just by looking at him.  
"Just right now?" He said, looking a little crestfallen.  
"No, you're always handsome. But especially right now." James opened his mouth to say something, but a shout in the distance interrupted us.  
«Ah, food!» James said with a smile. An indonesian man approaced us balancing a ridiculously huge tray filled with various plates of Balinese food. We'd both agreed that we loved the traditional food in Bali, so here was a bit of everything. The man expertly manoeuvred the tray onto our table, then sat a square bag that he had been carrying on his back down next to us. In it was water and a bunch of beer, as it just went better with balinese food than wine did. Or so James and I thought, in any case. The man bowed to us then disappeared into the treeline behind the beach again.  
«Did he walk all the way here with all of that?» I asked in amazement.  
«I think that's the sound of a car leaving in the distance, so... no,» James pointed out. His focus had shifted to the food and he was clearly struggling with what to begin with. «Oh bugger it, it's all good,» he scoffed and started loading stuff onto his plate. We quietly dug into our food and our beer for a while. Every now and again I had to have a look around, just to remind myself of where I was; taking in the sunset, the lanterns glowing in the dusk and the sea. In the end, and with plenty of food left, we both realised we had to capitulate.  
«God, that was.. heavenly,» I sighed, slumping back against the chair. «But I am already regretting it.»  
«Me too,» James chuckled. Getting up from his chair he stretched luxuriously, then reached out a hand for me. I looked up at him quizzically, wondering why he wanted me to get up. «Come on,» he said impatiently, waving his hand about for me to take it. When I did he dragged me up off the chair. From the back of the chair he had been sitting on he pulled off a blanket, I hadn't even noticed it was there, and he spread it out on the sand in front of the cabana. Taking my hand again he sat down on the blanket and pulled me down to him so I sat between his legs with my back resting against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled the side of my neck and cheek, breathing me in with a deep sigh. «I'm sorry, I just needed to be closer to you,» he said, explaining to why he'd moved from the table.  
«Mm, that's okay, I like this,» I purred in his arms. Taking in the beautiful, romantic surroundings I sighed happily. «Thank you so much for all of this, James... This entire holiday has been absolutely amazing, and this right here is just... indescribable.» I craned my neck and gave James a long, grateful kiss before turning back to watch the sunset.  
«You're welcome, sweetie,» James said, wrapping his arm a little tighter around me and resting his cheek against mine, just holding me close while we watched the sunset. After a little silence he spoke again. «You know, saying that you don't deserve this... that's just bollocks. That's the old you talking. I know you felt worthless for a long time, and sometimes I think part of you still holds on to that thought. But just the fact that you went through all of that makes you deserve this. After all the pain and grief, don't you think you deserve a little happiness?»  
«Hmm... maybe,» I said hesitantly. Even though I had gone through a long and dark period in my life, I still didn't feel like I was worthy of all the good things that had happened in my life; my education, my job, my life with James.  
«I think you do. You spend most of your days being kind and selfless, helping others. And I love you, and more than anything in the world I want to make you happy. That's why you deserve this,» James finished and hugged me tighter as he kissed my cheek.  
«Thank you, love,» I said in a constricted voice, squeezing his arm and leaning into him. «And you do make me happy.» We watched the sunset together in a long and comfortable silence. James had his arms around me, and I caressed his legs. Both of us were completely in the moment, taken by the breathtaking beauty of our surroundings and the love we felt for each other. As the sun was nearly gone over the horizon, James' arms loosened around me.  
«There's this one thing I thought we could do,» he said and got up from the blanket. «Hang on.» I watched him as he went into the cabana and rummaged around in the bag the man had brought us for a little before returning to the blanket. James sat down beside me again. «These are sky lanterns. You light them and they float away like a small hot-air balloon.»  
«Oh yeah, I've seen those before,» I said, looking at the bundle of rice paper and string with a blob of wax at the bottom.  
«In Japan they have this festival, everyone goes home to their family homes and they believe that by lighting lanterns at their houses or in graveyards they guide the family spirits home. By the end of the festival the lanterns are placed on the river, and as they drift away so does the familiy spirits, guided back to rest.»  
«Was that what you guys saw in.. where was it? Vietnam?»  
«Mm, in Hoi An. Not sure if that was the same festival, though. Anyway, we don't have a river anywhere nearby, but... When I saw them I remembered the festival in Japan. Then I thought about your mum, and your best mate. And how much they mean to you. So... I thought that maybe, if you want to, we could send up one for each of them? Honor their memory?» When James looked at me he seemed a little apprehensive, as if he was worried I might become upset by his suggestion. To reassure him I smiled mildly and nodded.  
«That is a great idea, I'd love that.»  
«Good,» James smiled and leaned in for a kiss before getting up from the blanket and stepped onto the sand. I got up clumsily and followed him. Carefully so as to not rip the delicate ricepaper James unfolded the first lantern. «Here, we have to hold it up until the air inside it heats up enough for it to fly on its own,» James explained, and I helped holding onto it while James lit the flammable wax suspended underneath it. It was almost dark outside now, the sun was gone and a pale stripe of blue and pink was all that was visible over the horizon. James left me to hold the first one while he set about lighting the second one. I watched him as he unfolded the second lantern and lit the wax. I giggled a little at how focused he was on the task at hand. Holding the lantern I felt it get gradually lighter, wanting to fly as the air trapped inside it got heated up. «Just let it go if it starts to get buoyant.»  
«Hmm, okay..» I said and gingerly let go of the lantern, half-expecting it to fall to the ground. It seemed to just hover in mid-air in front of me for a moment, then it started its tentative ascent, slowly rising upwards. Having made sure the first lantern was definitely staying airborn, I walked over to James and helped him hold his. Not long after the first we raised the lantern further off the ground then let it go, and it too began floating upwards.  
«There they go,» James said, keeping his eye on the lanterns as they kept climbing higher. The sky above us was dark now, and the lanterns lit up like beautiful, slow-moving orbs reaching for the stars.  
«I miss you guys,» I sighed as I watched, thinking of the two people we were honoring. James' arms closed around me from behind, comforting me by hugging me tightly. «I wish they were still here. I wish they could see me now, see how my life has changed. Even if I'm not sure they can 'see' anything, they're gone.»  
«Well.. If they can see you, I'm certain that they are very proud of you. And if they can't... Just know that they would have been so proud of you if they were alive, just like I'm incredibly proud of you,» James said softly, rubbing my arms as I was getting a little chilly now that the sun had gone.  
«Aw, thank you sweetie,» I said and turned around to kiss him gratefully. «I wish you'd met them. I wish you'd met my mum, she was an odd one,» I laughed, thinking of her weird habits. «She was a total night owl, like me, and always wandered around at night in her nightdress and big, woolly socks. While doing crosswords or knitting. She had this amazing ability to do fifteen things at once, she could knit while reading a book and talk to her sister on the phone while keeping half an eye on the telly.»  
«Like mother like daughter, eh?» James chortled.  
«I do not have old ladies' nightdresses!» I protested.  
«But the rest of it sounds just like you.»  
«Okay, fair enough, you have a point.»  
«Do you think your mum would've liked me?» James asked.  
«Yeah, definitely,» I said without hesitation, having thought about it many times. «She liked people who were themselves, people who were intelligent and compassionate and down-to-earth. And you are all those things. And she played the piano and liked poetry, so you'd have things in common. She hated people who were fake or shallow or narrow-minded. Yeah, she'd definitely like you. As long as you were prepeared to play cards with here while drinking coffee and smoking all night.»  
«I could have done that,» James said with a little laugh.  
«And, she was born in -54, so she was only nine years older than you! I bet you could've shared some memories from ye olden days,» I added with a giggle. James rolled his eyes exasperatedly.  
«Gee, thanks for making me feel ancient!» He huffed, but then he broke out into a smile, revealing that he hadn't been offended at all. Cupping his face in my hands I pulled his face down to mine for a kiss.  
«I really wish they could've met you. I would have been so proud to be able to call you mine,» I whispered with a smile.  
«I wish I could have met them too. So I could've thanked them for taking care of you and making you into the amazing person you are,» James replied, and I almost went weak at the knees.  
«And I wish I could hear things like that without sobbing like a damn girl!» I complained, blinking back a few tears. James smiled and shook his head at me a little, then spun me around and wrapped his arms around me again. Then he pointed upwards to where the lanterns were floating high above the sea in the middle of the bay, far away. They seemed almost stationary, just two glowing shapes suspended in the air. We stood and watched in silence for a long time as the lanterns soared ever higher and further away. With the sun long gone the air had gone chilly, and since I had almost acclimatised to the warmer climate it made me shiver.  
«We should head back,» James said quietly. «You're getting cold and we have to get up early in the morning.»  
«Mm, I know,» I sighed a little sadly. I hadn't wanted the holiday to end, and I especially hadn't wanted this night to end. But now that it was inevitably coming to a close, I felt happy and content. Our trip had been amazing, and this nigth had been the perfect ending to it. With an effort I tore my eyes away from the two lanterns in the distance and turned around to James. «Come on, lets go back. Just know that you're getting sex tonight,» I added warningly. James' eyes widened in pleasant surprise.  
«Oh really?»  
«Oh yes, really. A surprise dinner like this one makes you deserving of as much cuddling and sex as you could possibly want,» I laughed.  
«I would take you right here, but the sand would be a nightmare,» James laughed back. He grabbed one of the torches that were dug into the sand and his free hand found mine, then we went back to the bungalow and our last night on Bali.


	44. Chapter 44

Coming home from Bali I was glad we had arranged to have a couple of days at home before we both got back to work. For one thing we both needed to readjust to British time as Bali had been 8 hours ahead. There was also the climate change, Bali had been humid, sunny and warm, while London at the end of August was wet, rainy and cold in comparison. The minute I stepped off the plane I felt cold, and I remained cold for days on end. The climate change was even less kind to James. A few days after we came home James got sick, and I nursed him through a bad throat infection that left him voiceless for a week. As soon as James got well again we went for a motorcycle ride, James borrowing me one of his bikes. August had gone over to September, we had to enjoy our chance to go for rides before it became too cold and dreary. Seeing all the beautiful autumn colours from a bike was beautiful and a lovely experience. 

Going back to work life wasn't as bad as I had hoped. Our vacation had been much more needed than I had even been aware of. We had gotten a chance to relax and focus on each other, which had brought us closer together, and I was more head over heels for James than I had ever been. Together we had gotten some new impulses and memories that we could cherish and live on for a long time. I really felt like I had recharged my batteries and going back to work I felt energetic and happy. My only problem was missing James when I wasn't with him, which I knew was a luxury problem. 

All through September I mentally prepared for James going away by the end of the month. Top Gear was doing a weeks worth of live-shows in South Africa, then they were off to Uganda to record another special. I knew that the three weeks James was scheduled to be away were going to be extremely long and a little sad because I would miss him so much. And because they were doing another special I knew I would worry about him, about all of them. The day before James was set to leave for Africa he had some last meetings to get through at the BBC; some last minute planning and manuscript changes to finalise. As he was about to set off around noon I wrapped my arms around him and looked at him sternly.   
«You are not allowed to come home late tonight.»  
«And why is that?» He challenged, raising an eyebrow.  
«Because I am not missing out on a single minute of my time with you before you're leaving me for three weeks».  
«Mm, fair enough,» he smirked and leaned in for a kiss. From the look on his face I could tell that I had charmed him. 

When James came home, just on time, he was met by lit candles already in the hallway. I hadn't heard him drive up in his car and was busy in the dining room when I heard the door.   
«Emily!» He called, and I quickly made my way to the door.   
«What's all th---» James began, but stopped short when he saw me. I had spent a good few hours earlier in the day pruning myself; taking a long bath, scrubbing and shaving, taking extra time to do my hair and makeup. I had bought a short dress in a warm, purple colour and wore heels for once. James' mouth fell open a little as he eyed me up and down slowly. «Wow.»  
«Hello,» I smiled sweetly at him. James looked pointedly at the candles scattered around the hallway, on the stairs, on the floor, on the little table.   
«What's all this?» He asked with a smile, then he made his way over to me and put his hands on my sides.   
«I wanted to make this night a bit special since you are leaving tomorrow,» I explained, feeling how I blushed a little under his searching gaze.   
«Aw... That is very nice, sweetie.» The hands on my sides pulled me in a little closer as he leaned in to give me a long, loving kiss, then he wrapped his arms lovingly around me. «God, you smell so good,» he sighed, burying his face in my hair for a second before pulling away. «And you look absolutely gorgeous.»  
«Thank you, love,» I said, averting my eyes and blushing a little. «Come here.» Taking his hand in mine I lead him into the house. Music was on, a playlist of a lot of the songs James and I had often listened to together. The living room was filled with a few more candles, leading the way into the next room. I had decorated the dining room with lots and lots of faerie lights and dozens upon dozens of candles. The table cloth was a dark petrol blue colour and I had adorned it with more candles and a flower centerpiece, and set it with plates, cutlery and wine glasses. A bottle of wine was ready on the table. Before James came home I had turned off the lights in the livingroom and diningroom, and the faerie lights gave it a warm glow along with the candles. «I know its not... a sunset beach dinner or anything, but I did the best I could...» I mumbled a little awkwardly, suddenly feeling like this was stupid and absolutely nothing compared to the romantic surprise dinner James had organised for me on Bali. James tugged on my hand, making him face me, then wrapped his arms around me.   
«Don't be silly. This is... absolutely perfect, I love it. Honestly, I wouldn't have thought I would have liked the dining room filled with faerie lights, but I do,» he smiled and gave me another kiss. «Don't tell anyone I said that,» he added as an afterthought and I giggled.   
«I promise. Want some wine?»  
«That would be lovely.» I poured wine for both of us and gave a glass to James. We clinked glasses and had a sip. Seemingly unable to help himself, James slid his free arm around my lower back and pulled me closer. I felt myself going weak at the knees from his soft, lingering kiss. Slowly I opened my eyes and looked dazedly at him and had to clear my throat to find my voice again.  
«I hope you're hungry. There's food,» I said weakly. James grinned, satisfied that his kisses had had such an effect on me.   
«Mm, I am,» he hummed.   
«Good. I have made it myself, I admit. If it's horrid we'll just throw it out and order in. Okay?»  
«Okay,» James said with a snort. I nodded at the table, gesturing for him to sit down.   
«I'll be right back.» Also unable to help myself I leaned down and kissed him quickly before tearing myself away and heading into the kitchen. Knowing my limitations I had made a simple pasta dish with bacon, lots of herbs and cheese. For dessert I had been a little braver and gone for chocolate fondant with ice cream. With a sigh of relief I noted that James hummed happily when he tasted his food in a way he always did when it was good. A little surprised at myself I had to agree with him, and we quickly got through dinner and moved on to dessert.   
«Oh god. Why have you not made this before?» James groaned, closing his eyes as he relished his chocolate fondant.   
«I wasn't sure I would be able to make it...» I mumbled.   
«Well, you're making it more often,» he decided and had another bite. 

When the dessert was gone I moved a lot of the candles into the living room and poured some more wine for the both of us. As I set our wine glasses down on the table James reached out a hand for me and pulled me down on the sofa next to him. «Listen, thank you for all of this, sweetie, for going to all this effort just for me, making dinner and decorating... This is all lovely,» he smiled and squeezed my hand. I returned the smile and felt myself blushing a little and looked down at our interlaced hands.  
«Well, I... I wanted to do something special, you know... Make an effort and give you some attention. I can tell you that I love you and how much you mean to me until the cows come home, but still I feel like it's not enough, that I'm not doing enough to show you that. Actions speak louder than words, I guess, saying I love you is easy, but showing it is something else. And you spoiled me rotten in Bali. I want to spoil you a little, too.»  
«You do more than enough to show me how you feel, Emily. Just the way you look at me makes me feel loved. Don't worry that you're not doing enough, because you are,» James reassured me.  
«Ok, good. Thank you,» I said gratefully, squeezing his hand. «I'm just glad I didn't burn down the house and that the food was edible.»   
«The food was very good. And all the candles and things look good. And you look incredibly good. I feel like a revolting slob sitting next to you,» James mumbled, looking down at his jeans and plaid, colorful shirt in blue, green and pink. I put my wineglass down, inched up closer to James and placed my palm on his cheek, caressing him gently. For a moment I didn't speak, I just looked at him meaningfully.  
«You're not a slob. You're a handsome man. With nice hair and beautiful eyes. Whom I am very attracted to and awfully in love with.» I ran my fingers through his hair as I talked. James blushed a little and blinked rapidly a few times, as if he still couldn't believe that I was really talking about him. Then he gave a grateful, shy little smile and leaned in to kiss me lovingly. I hummed happily and kissed him back, deepening the kiss a little.   
«You know, I actually have a little surprise for you, too,» James said, straightening up and getting out of the sofa. «Hang on.»  
«Surprise? For me?» I mumbled, watching James' back as he disappeared into the hallway. He didn't answer, but he rummaged around in the hallway for a second and returned with a gift-wrapped, little box in his hands.   
«I have a birthday present for you,» he said when he'd sat down next to me on the sofa again. «Last year when it was your birthday, you never told me about it. Even though you and I were out drinking beer the day before!» As he said this I laughed and nodded, remembering.   
«Yeah, I know, I just... That was what, the third time we met? If I'd told you I would've just felt like I was searching for attention!» I admitted. James just shook his head a little exasperatedly at me.  
«Anyway... This year I know I won't be home for your birthday, and I'm sorry about that. So I thought I'd get you a present before I left. Of course, it's up to you if you want it now or after I get home,» he added with a teasing smirk, knowing that I would be far too impatient and curious to wait three weeks until he came home again.  
«Aw, James... You didn't have to get me anything, you've given me so much!» I said, and I meant it. I looked from him to the box and back again. «I mean, you gave me that trip to Bali, and that dinner on the beach, and...»   
«Taking you to Bali... That was because I thought you deserved a good holiday, because I wanted to spend some time with you and simply because I love you. This..» he said, rattling the box in his hand. «This is a birthday present. Completely different thing.»  
«Okay then,» I said with a little chuckle. «Then I want to open it now. If I can. Please?» James just smiled and nodded, handing me the present. Eagerly I tore off the paper to find a black box inside. Opening it I first saw a short, little note, and I quickly recognised James' handwriting. 'Each one of these signify a moment or a memory with you that I will never forget. - x, James.' I drew a sharp intake of breath when I lifted away the note. Underneath it I found a silver chain bracelet, and it was adorned with little charms hanging from it. I quickly looked up at James, smiling from ear to ear, then looked back to the bracelet, taking it out of its little box to study the charms.   
«Aaaw, a little band-aid!» I said as I saw the first charm. «Is that for the first time we met?»  
«Mm, because you patched me up and took care of me,» he hummed, wrapped an arm around my shoulder to bring me in closer and kissed my temple. "And meeting you is one of the most important things that has happened in my life."  
«And I'm guessing the screwdriver would be for the second time we met? Building all my furniture?» I looked up at James and he nodded.  
«Like I told you in Bali, I still have no idea what possessed me to do that, that was very unlike me, but... I just had to see you. And I know it was just one short evening but I felt like I got to know you that night.»  
«I felt that too. Like I got to know you,» I smiled. «But.. I'm struggling a little with this pizza slice,» I admitted, looking at the charm with a frown, failing to grasp the deep significance of it. «I remember us making pizzas once, and it was a fun and cozy evening, but...»   
«Well... I will always remember that night because... That's the night I fell in love with you. I remember exactly when and where. It was in my garage, we were sitting on the old sofa, just talking. And there was this.. moment, and I just knew that I'd fallen for you. After that you were the only person I could think of.»  
«You never told me that before!» I crooned, looking up at him.   
«The jewellery designer that made this... I know her a little, she's a friend of a friend. She asked me if had been aware of when I'd fallen in love with you, or if it had been a gradual thing. I didn't think I knew, but when I thought back I realised that I did.»  
«I think I was in love with you even before that,» I admitted. I turned my attention back to the bracelet again, and seeing that the next charm looked like a firework going off I knew exactly what it meant.   
«Aaw, new years eve!» I exclaimed. «When I realised it was you, that you'd come all the way to Norway... I thought I was going to faint with happiness.»  
«And I thought I was going to faint with nerves,» James said with a little chuckle. «I was half expecting you to ask me what the hell I was doing there and just.. not understand why.»   
«I did understand why. At least I hoped I did. Until you kissed me, then I knew for sure.» Looking back down at the bracelet I saw the turtle hanging next to the firework. «This must be the Aquarium?»  
«Yeah... All the things leading up to that, the argument and the time we spent apart, I wish I didn't remember that. Mostly I wish none of it had ever happened. But that night in the Aquarium, I will always remember that. Just the fact that you forgave me and still wanted to be with me made me feel like the happiest man in the universe. It was a good night, I got to apologise to you and come closer to you again. Even though I am a fat, ancient turtle,» he added.   
«I love my ancient turtle,» I giggled and gave him a kiss. The next charm on the bracelet looked like a cardboard moving box. «The day I moved in?»  
«Mm. Part of me thought I had lost my marbles asking you to move in, I've never lived with anyone before apart from Fusker. But I haven't regretted it for a single day.» James' arm squeezed me a little as he talked. The next to last charm on the bracelet was a hammock.  
«This must be Bali,» I said simply, and James hummed. The hammock had been our favourite place to be, and we'd spent countless hours in it just watching the sea and the sunset, talking or reading books.  
«Those two weeks were just... perfect,» he sighed. I turned the bracelet another fraction of an inch, touching the last one, which was a beautiful, simple heart. «And that one is just because I love you,» James whispered into my hair, squeezing me tight. "And there's room for lots more on it. Because I know we're going to make lots more happy memories together." I looked over the bracelet once more, trying to take in everything it meant. I was amazed at the amount of thought James had put into it. Just the fact that he had had it made just for me was more than anyone had ever done for me when it came to a birthday gift. Looking at the charms I realised that the moments and memories that meant most to him, were also the ones that meant the most to me.   
«James, this is... Amazing. Thank you so, so much. I love it. And I love you,» I smiled, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him tightly, burying my face against his neck as I tried desperately not to cry my usual happy tears. Letting go of James again I gave him the bracelet and held out my wrist for him to put it on. He fiddled with the tiny lock for a little.   
«You know what? You've actually done it. You've actually managed to give your girlfriend the perfect birthday present,» I said as I admired the bracelet again, grinning widely to myself. Then I turned to face James, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. «It's perfect. And you're perfect. And now I will always have something with me to remind me of just how perfect you are.»


	45. Chapter 45

I had been listening to James lumbering around the house for ten minutes, calling my name and trying to find me. I couldn't reply, fearful that opening my mouth would have dire consequences. Eventually his footsteps came towards the door, and I heard him rattle the doorknob.   
«No, James, don't come in!» I shouted as quickly as I could. The urgency in my voice was enough to make James stop.   
«Emily! There you are! Can't you answer me when I'm calling you?» His voice came through the door sounding a little annoyed, but then it softened and turned confused. «What's wrong, why can't I come in?»   
«The plague!» I moaned back at him. «Nauseous. So.. fucking... nauseous.»  
«Oh...» He said quietly. After a pause the voice spoke again. «I'm sorry you're ill, love...»  
«Are you... feeling okay though?» I managed to ask in between gasps of soothing, chilly air.   
«Yeah, I'm just fine, don't worry. I'll just... go have some breakfast, maybe have a shower. Check back on you later?»  
«Mmmrhmg,» I moaned as confirmation.   
«I wish you could keep me company...» His voice said longingly.  
«Me too...» I said, thoroughly unhappy. If whatever I had was contagious, I couldn't risk passing it on to James, I couldn't risk him catching something that could infect the whole crew when they were doing live shows and a big special. I had woken up in the very early hours of the morning, bathed in cold sweat and incredibly nauseous. The next hour was spent on the bathroom floor. Realising I should keep my distance from James I hobbled into the guest room and opened the window a little to let in the cool, late September air. Ever since I had been draped over a corner of the bed with a blanket draped over my back, somehow being most comfortable hanging over something. A bucket was stood next to the bed, just in case. The effort of trying to cling on to my own stomach had already exhausted me, and miraculously I felt myself drift off. 

The sound of the door opening tore me out of my uneasy slumber. Instinctively I turned around quickly and saw James coming through the doorway.   
«James, no...!» I began, but the sudden movement made my stomach do another major lurch and I flopped back down over my corner, begging silently for my stomach to settle again. I heard James' footsteps cross the room. His legs, then the rest of him came into view as he crouched down next to the bed, lowering himself to my eye level.   
«Emily, I live with you. Most of last night I spent kissing all of you, particularly your mouth. If whatever you have is catching, I would be just as... green are you are right now,» he pointed out calmly. Piercing, blue eyes peered at me, filled with worry and sympathy.   
«Point...» I mumbled and waggled a finger at him. He studied me for a moment.  
«Aaaw, poor baby,» he said with genuine feeling. Gently he ran a hand over my forehead, brushing away some stray curls and tucking them behind my ear. «Do you have a fever?»  
«Mno, just... chills, sweats,» I sighed.   
«I'll be right back, okay?» He heaved himself up off the floor and disappeared from view. I heard him potter around the house for a little, then his footsteps returned. After some rummaging I felt his strong arms grab hold of me, hoisting me up. «Come on, up off the floor.»  
«Mno, no moving, need to be still,» I complained, but let myself be dragged onto the bed. «If I throw up it'll be all over you,» I huffed as I collapsed back against James, resting my back against his chest. He was sitting upright, leaning against the headboard, cradling me in his arms. He pulled the blanket over me.  
«I don't care if you do.»  
«Bollocks,» I snorted.  
«All right, I would be thoroughly disgusted. But I'll live with the threat,» he said calmly. A cold, damp cloth was gently draped over my forehead. The coolness of the cloth felt soothing against my skin, the discomfort of my nausea had made me flushed and warm. James sat perfectly still, knowing that any sort of movement was torture. His big hand rested heavily on my stomach, the weight of it somehow felt calming and my stomach seemed to be churning less. I was still breathing heavily, feeling like lungfuls of fresh air relieved it a little.  
«So how are you feeling?» He asked after a long silence.   
«Like my stomach is dancing polka around my arse,» I grumbled, feeling sorry for myself. James chuckled a little.  
«You stole that line off a film,» he pointed out in his typical pedantic manner.  
«You still laughed,» I shot back.  
«Do you think it's something you ate?»  
«Are you insinuating that this is because of my cooking?» I grumbled. James chuckled a little.  
«No, hwo could it be? I ate your cooking too, and I feel fine,» he pointed out.   
«Probably just a tummy bug then,» I mumbled. “Just hope you won't catch it.”  
«Probably,» he conceded. «I brought a can of coke with me. Isn't that supposed to help?»  
«Yeah... I'll try later,» I said gratefully and gave his arm a little squeeze. «Do you even have time to sit here?»  
«I've had breakfast, I've showered and everything is packed and ready by the door. It's only ten and they won't be here to pick me up for two hours,» he said, checking his wristwatch. «So I intend to sit here and cuddle you until they arrive.»  
«If I wasn't ill I'd cuddle you back,» I sulked. «And kiss you, and snuggle you, and..» I ran out of breath and had to shut up again.   
«I know, love,» he said and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. «We had a good night last night, though?» The memory of it made me break into a weak smile.  
«Mmmm, very...» I agreed dreamily, and raised my arm a little to look at my new bracelet. «Perfect, actually.» Silence fell again, and I relived some of last night in my head, but then the nausea pulled me back into reality.   
«I don't want to leave you like this, I can't...» James hugged me a little tighter, sounding sad.   
«Yes, you can, and you will,» I said with as much parental authority as I could muster. «I'll be fine by tomorrow. You can't blow off this trip and you know it.»  
«But... I'm going to miss you so fucking much.» He sulked, changing tactics.   
«I thought we agreed on this?» I said with a smirk. When James had been away before, even if it was just for a few days, we'd been on the phone to each other banging on about how much we missed each other and wished we weren't apart. In the end we realised it really didn't do any good. It just made us more miserable. We were both perfectly aware of how much we missed each other, so harping on about it seemed pointless. Travelling was part of James' job, I had been aware of that before I even knew him. And he would have let me travel to Africa for months, if that was what I had wanted. We wouldn't have even met if our jobs hadn't taken us both to Syria. Being in a relationship with James meant having to deal with him being away from time to time. He loved and needed his job just like I loved and needed mine.  
«I know, I know...» James sighed. «But... I still want to say it,» he complained.  
«Fine. If we're making exceptions I'm taking the liberty of saying that three weeks is fucking aeons and I fucking hate your job right now. In fact, I hate the entire BBC.» He gave a quiet little chuckle.  
«I love you. You know that, right?» His voice sounded so genuinely worried I had to turn around a little to look at him. I was immediately punished by the nausea.   
«Of course I know that,» I said, quickly slumping back against James. «And I love you too.» He sighed heavily.   
«This was so much easier before I had you.»  
«What? Travelling?»   
«Yes. I mean... before I only missed things like my bed, my bikes, the cat... I could be homesick, but not like this.»  
«So are you saying you wish you didn't have me?» I asked teasingly.   
«Fuck no. I'm just saying I hate leaving you.» He gave me a gentle peck on the cheek. 

When I woke up I was lying on my side on the bed, duvet wrapped around me, feeling confused. The last thing I had known was being cradled in James' lap. The clock said 2pm, James would be long gone and I felt a pang of sadness and longing. I hadn't said goodbye properly to him. Gingerly I crawled out of bed, relieved to discover that movement didn't stir any more nausea in me. I padded through the empty house and headed for the kitchen, pulling out another can of coke and a banana thinking I better take it easy on my stomach. On the kitchen table was a handwritten note: «You fell asleep in my arms. Didn't have the heart to wake you. I hate myself for leaving you. Feel better. I love you. James.» I called James to let him know I was already feeling better. I thanked him for the note, and for taking care of me, then wished him a safe trip. He told me how much he loved me, and I heard the jeering and wolf-whistles from the rest of the travel party in the background. Part of me felt incredibly jealous of James for going to Africa, and I suddenly had fleeting regrets of not accepting the job offer I'd had in Rwanda. I'd entertained the thought of going with him, or just travel down on my own and surprise him. I was worried about the special episode they were making, things could get pretty extreme on those shoots; the conditions, the cars, the challenges. The crew had done these episodes many times now, and were getting better and better at safety, but I worried nonetheless. But he'd promised to check in with me as often as he could, and to be careful. 

The rest of that day I felt fine, a little tired from having spent most of the early morning reeling with nausea, but otherwise fine. Which was why I was very confused when I woke up the next morning feeling the same, overwhelming sickness. I called in sick and spent the rest of the morning on the cold flagstone floor of the bathroom, eventually falling asleep on it. Later that day, when the nausea had receded I went to the pharmacy and bought motion sickness pills, in case it happened again. But I refused to think any further, it wasn't possible and it certainly wasn't that.   
After four mornings of the same, blinding nausea I couldn't ignore it or act ignorant anymore. I was a nurse, for pete's sake. Working at a prematurity ward. Being paranoid and painfully aware that some people might actually know who I was, or at least who I was living with, I went to a pharmacy far away from our neighbourhood. Seven tests all said the same thing. How. How? Needing to know, and desperately needing someone to talk to, I called Kellie. She had been a resident doctor at the hospital I had worked at when first moving to London. Now she'd started up as a general physician again, and was happy to see me the very next day. 

I stared unblinkingly at her as she returned to her office and sat down behind her desk.   
«Well, it's positive. Very positive,» she announced, looking pleased. My shoulders sagged, my heart sank to the floor and I instantly started crying. I hadn't cried until then, it had been easier to just believe it wasn't happening. But now I couldn't do that anymore.  
«Oh, darling...» She said sympathetically, and I saw a tissue being handed to me through my haze of tears. «It's safe to say this wasn't planned, then?» I made a sound somewhere between a chuckle and a sob.  
«Fuck no,» I sniffed. With a sigh I dried my face with the tissue and looked up at Kellie. «This isn't fucking happening,» I breathed, fiddling with the tissue.   
«Seven home-tests, which I personally think was a bit excessive, and one proper lab-test says otherwise, darling,» she sighed. «Have you been using any contraceptives?»  
«I've been on the bloody pill,» I mumbled sourly. «But maybe I forgot once or twice...»  
«That could be it. Besides, birth control pills are only 99,8% safe.»  
«Typical of me to fall into the smallest percentage,» I scoffed.   
«Have you ever talked about having children?» Kellie was perfectly aware of who I was living with, she was one of many people who had sent me a text after having watched Top Gear. 'Did I just see you on TV?' Kellie was one of the few girl-friends I had and we'd had lunches together after that and talked about James and our relationship.   
«Well, I... Just about how we don't want them, basically. He thinks he's too old and I'm just terrified of having them. We've only talked about them as if we were never going to have any. God, how am I going to tell him this?»  
«By stringing words into sentences,» Kellie said dryly.   
«You're such a bint.» I shook my head, unable to hold back a chuckle. «James is away, too. He's in Africa, doing Top Gear Live and then they're filming an episode in Uganda. He won't be back for another two weeks! I can't tell him this on the phone, he's working, that would just be cruel...»  
«Hmm...» Kellie said, thinking. «Maybe you should wait until he gets back. This is one of those face-to-face types of conversations, I guess.»  
«Yeah...» I nodded sadly. A silence fell as I stared into the surface on Kellies desk, thoughts reeling in my head.  
«So... Do you want the numbers?» Kellie asked tentatively. I knew what she meant, and I nodded weakly. She straightened up, dug out a calendar and handed it to me, resuming her role as a physician. «Date of last menstrual period?»  
«Um... I don't know, before Bali, now that I come to think of it. August.. 6th, maybe?» I guessed, handing the calendar back at her. Kellie just raised a quizzical eyebrow at me, obviously surprised at me for not knowing. «I've never been very... regular, ok? And I just haven't thought about it, it's not something I miss having!» I said defensively. She shook her head a little exasperatedly and made some calculations.   
«Okay, so, if we have a guess at August 6... Then estimated time of conception was around August 20th.» She looked up at me as if to check if the date rang a bell.  
«Well, that was on Bali, so... I'd say that was highly likely,» I said, trying to hide a blush.  
«That means you are currently... 8 weeks and three days along. And your estimated due-date would be around May 14,» she finished and looked at me over the top of her glasses. At this I began laughing hysterically. She waited patiently for my hysterics to subside, obviously not seeing the joke.  
«May.. baby.. James...» I gasped. She saw the joke, but didn't think it was funny. «I'm sorry, I think I'm going insane,» I sighed.  
«No, you're not,» Kellie said calmly. «You're just freaking out a little. I've seen far worse reactions to a pregnancy,» she assured me. She studied me for a long time before speaking again. «Emily, go home. Have a bath, try to relax, order some good food. Give it some time, let it sink in. Talk to James about it, on the phone or when he comes home.»  
«Okay...» I nodded, trying hard not to cry again. «But... If I don't... I mean, if we don't want... When do I have to...?» I stammered, unable to say any of the important words. «In Norway it's 12 weeks, but I don't know the rules in England...»  
«In the UK the limit is week 24, but the earlier you get it done the better, there are less risks involved. Emily, I know you and I consider you a friend. And I won't judge you, or James, if you chose to terminate this. Whatever choice you end up making, I'll help you with it, all right? Refer you to the right doctors and so on.»  
«All right. Thanks, Kellie,» I muttered.   
«You said you were having trouble with morning sickness?»   
«Um, yeah. Horrible, all I do is lie on the bathroom floor from I wake up until around noon,» I said, cringing at the thought.  
«So how do you manage work?»  
«Badly, basically,» I sighed. «Well, afternoon shifts are OK I guess, but I had to call in sick on my last day shift, I just couldn't go. But I've tried motion sickness pills, they help a little.»  
«Hmm.. How about this – try going in for work, the distraction might do you good. But if the nausea gives you too much trouble, just give me a call and I'll sort out a sick leave for you. At least for a little bit, until the nausea settles,» Kellie offered mildly. I nodded gratefully and got out of my chair. «Listen, call me if you need someone to talk to?» She rounded her desk and gave me a long hug. «And take care of yourself, ok?»


	46. Chapter 46

The rest of the day after having been to the doctor's passed by without me really noticing. The shock had left me feeling completely numb and empty, like I was walking next to myself. But the next day, at work, everything came crashing down on me with a vengeance. Not only did I have to try and control my nausea. Working with babies suddenly felt like torture instead of something enjoyable. Seeing parents worrying and fussing over their tiny little child made me feel incredibly guilty for being so upset about being pregnant. These people wanted nothing more than their baby surviving, that it would grow strong and healthy, and here I was half-hoping I would have a miscarriage. I made it through the day, but I realised I couldn't keep working, I was too nauseous, too distracted and not doing a very good job. So I called Kellie and she gave me a three-week sick leave, telling me that if the nausea disappeared before then I could just go back to work earlier. The sick-leave was a load off my mind, I didn't have to stress about going to work but it also gave me too much time to think. And the more I thought about it, the more upset I became. I was pregnant. I was actually carrying a growing child inside me. That alone was enough to make my head spin. And I knew that when I told James it would change everything between us forever, and we would never ever be able to go back to the way we were. No matter what we decided to do, things would never be the same. And I loved the way we were, we were in such a good place and my heart was filled with sorrow knowing that was over. I missed James so much it felt like a sharp, physical pain that made it hard to breathe. I desperately needed his comfort, his calmness, for him to hold me and shush me and tell me everything would be all right.  
Every day started with an an overwhelming nausea, and the feeling was so all-consuming it drove everything else out of my mind. When I wasn't nauseous, I felt tired. Utterly, completely, to-the-bone tired. If I tried distracting myself, or happened to feel relatively calm, I just fell asleep, in the sofa or in a chair. And the rest of the time I cried. I couldn't be pregnant, I didn't want to be, and no matter how much I tried to figure out how, I had no idea how to tell James. I wished it would just go away, that I'd have a miscarriage and then I could just forget about it. If I did, it just wasn't meant to be, right? I even considered having an abortion and never telling James about it. He'd said he was too old for children. But I knew I couldn't do that, it would be too heavy a burden to carry, too big of a secret to keep, it would eat me up and in the end I would have to tell him and god knows what that would do to our relationship. I cried buckets, feeling desperate and trapped, thinking desperate thoughts. Should I throw myself down the stairs? Get in front of a bus? Go on a massive alcohol-binge? When I had calmed down a little I came to my senses, feeling ashamed and guilty for having thought such awful things. I felt so stressed and chaotic I was amazed that the baby hadn't vacated the premises already. Being in such a state couldn't be good for a foetus? 'Stubborn sod', I thought unhappily. 

James called as often as he could, which was less frequent now that they were making the new episode in Uganda. Sometimes they just didn't have reception or he was too busy, or the batteries died. It was a massive effort to pull myself together and try to act normal on the phone every time he called. Sometimes I was just too fragile to talk to him at all and ignored the call, pretending to be out. As the days dragged on and I became more and more exhausted, and James' return drew nearer, it got harder to act normal. James picked up on it, more and more he asked if I was okay. I maintained that I was. But a few days before he was coming home his patience had run out.  
«Emily, I'm not even going to ask if you're okay, because you'll just say that you are. But I know something isn't right, I can hear it in your voice, the way you talk!»  
«Everything is just fine, James-» I began, trying to remain calm.  
«Oh don't give me that, I know you too well, Emily,» he cut me off.  
«I think you might have your sister's jedi mind tricks...» I mumbled.  
«You're avoiding the subject,» he said sternly. I sighed heavily, knowing I couldn't keep up the façade any longer.   
«It's just... I don't want to talk about it on the phone, all right?» I begged.  
«What's going on, though? You're not sick? Or.. something?» James sounded concerned.  
«No, I'm not sick, and neither is anyone else. I just don't want to have this conversation on the phone. You'll be home in a few days and then we can talk about it. Please?» James sighed as he heard the pleading in my voice, knowing he'd give in to me.  
«All right, when I get home,» he agreed reluctantly. «Should I be worried, though?»  
«No, you shouldn't be worried, James, not at all. Enjoy your last days in Uganda, enjoy the sun and the scenery and eat amazing fresh fruits and have fun.»  
«I know you're just trying to distract me from the subject,» he mumbled a little sourly. «I'll try to enjoy it. But I will worry though.»  
«Okay,» I sighed, agreeing to the compromise. «I... I love you.»

James was delayed in Amsterdam the day they were coming home, bad fog had grounded all planes until it cleared. He called me to let me know, and my heart sank. I'd been in a state of mild panic all day, counting down the hours until he'd be home. And now I had to wait even longer for the moment I had been dreading for weeks. The days and weeks that had passed had felt like years. I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, went over the entire house just to busy myself and make it nice for when James came home. Not finding anything else to clean or tidy away I curled up on the sofa and turned on a film, desperately trying to distract myself. The next thing I knew was a distant, mild voice calling my name and a hand on my arm gently trying to rouse me from my sleep.  
«Emily?» As my eyes flitted open, James came into view.  
«Hey...» I croaked, voice still heavy with sleep. I had passed out on the sofa again, having relaxed enough for my brain to be able to shut itself off for a minute. I blinked a little, trying to focus on James' face. He was tanned, he had a scruffy three-day beard and his hair was a little over-grown, the grey streaks bleached by the sun. He looked tired, big black circles under tired, heavy eyes.  
«Hello, baby,» he smiled happily. The mention of the word 'baby' tore through my sleepiness and instantly ripped me apart. My eyes exploded with hot tears as I instantly started crying. I sat up and blindly fumbled for James, desperately needing to be held.  
«Oh, honey... It's all right, I'm here now..» I heard the concern in his voice – my sudden and intense crying had surprised him and frightened him. James' arms closed around me and I buried my face against his shirt like I had done so many times before, my entire body shaking with sobs. He let me cry, rocking me gently and running his palm calmly over my head and back. Finally I was in his arms, being comforted and cared for by him like I had so desperately wished for. I half-hoped I would never stop crying, because I knew that when I did, I would have to begin talking. «Emily, please, tell me what's going on, you're scaring me a little...» James begged quietly into my hair, still running his hand over my back. My crying had died down somewhat, but I still wasn't able to speak, I didn't know what to say. «Are you sick? Like, life-threatening?» He asked, the fear audible in his voice. I shook my head, face still hidden against his chest. «Is anyone else?» He continued. I shook my head again. «Is it something about work? Did you lose your job? Did you do something wrong?»  
«No...» I sobbed, shaking my head yet again.  
«Is it baby Emily?»  
«No, she's fine...» I sniffed, my voice thick from crying.  
«Then what?» James urged. Not getting an answer from me he pulled back a little to look at me. His voice was calm but insistent when he spoke. «Emily, you said you didn't want to talk about this until I came home. Well now I'm here, and I'm worried. Please, say something.» I tried opening my mouth, but my jaw just wobbled out of control. «What can it be that is so hard to tell me? Did you sleep with someone? Meet someone else, fall in love..?»  
«God, James, no!» I said shrilly, pulling away from him and out of his arms, angry that he would even think that. «I'm pregnant, James! Knocked up! Bun in the oven! With child! Expecting! Gestating! Preggers! I'm fucking pregnant, okay?!» I turned around to look at him. James' face had gone white and his jaw had dropped.  
«I.. but.. wha-» He stammered incoherently.  
«Don't you dare say 'what',» I growled, waggling a finger at him. I couldn't think of any more synonyms for 'pregnant' that would make him understand. He closed his mouth again, then stared blankly into empty space for a while, his mind obviously reeling. I gave him time to let it sink in. Privately I cursed myself for the way I had broken the news, it wasn't exactly the way I had planned it. After a long silence James cleared his throat.  
«Was that why you were so nauseous the morning I left..?»  
«Yeah...» I nodded feebly, fiddling with my own hands. My flash of defensive anger was gone and now I just felt anxious. I was sitting a little distance from James, my back against the sofa, knees pulled up to my chest and my arms wrapped around them.  
«I thought the nausea might have been because you were... sick or something, I didn't think it was...» James' voice faded away, he was obviously unable to bring himself to say that I was pregnant.  
«It's been almost as bad every damn morning since then, it's absolute torture...» I said weakly. There was a long pause.  
«Oh... But.. haven't you been on birth control pills?» James asked, sounding nonplussed.  
«Of course I have, you've seen me take them, haven't you?» I sighed. «But.. There might've been a day or two where I forgot... And Kellie said they were only like 99,8 percent safe anyway. Someone is bound to fall into the point two category, I guess.»   
«Emily, that isn't something you just forget,» James said darkly.  
«Excuse me for being human and forgetting something once or twice!» I was angry because I felt attacked, like he was trying to lay all the blame on me. And it was such a sore spot because I had done nothing but blame myself ever since I found out. «It takes two to fuck, you know,» I added in a sour mumble.  
«What could I have done about it?» James said loudly, far angrier than I was. «Refused to sleep with you because you might get pregnant?! You were on the pill, I thought that was supposed to be safe!» I didn't reply, I didn't know what to say, his anger and blame has shocked me into silence. So I stared into space, still fiddling with my hands. «How long have you known about this?»  
«Well, I... Suspected it after a few days of nausea. Went out and got a bunch of those home-tests. Seven of those fucking smileys...»  
«Smiley’s?» James frowned.  
«Yeah, the tests shows a bloody smiley if it's positive,» I explained bitterly. «So I went to see Kellie, she has a general practice now and... she confirmed it. That was a few weeks ago.» There was a long pause.  
«So you've known this for weeks...?!» He repeated incredulously.  
«I couldn't tell you something like this on the phone! First of all it would just ruin your trip and make you stressed and distracted. And I needed to... to see your face, see your reaction, talk to you about this...» Another long pause. Despite what I had said I didn't dare look at James, too scared about what I might see in his eyes.  
«So, what are you going to do about this?» The coldness in James voice stabbed me right through the heart. His choice of words were incredibly painful.  
«Me? What am I going to do about it?» I repeated incredulously. «This isn't just up to me, James!»  
«You were the one who forgot to take your bloody pills!» He argued childishly.  
«Fine, I forgot to take the fucking pills! Blame me for this if it makes you feel any better, god knows I've done nothing but blame myself for weeks!»  
«None of this makes me feel any fucking good, Emily!»  
«I'm sorry if this is such a fucking inconvenience to you! What would you have wanted me to do? Just have an abortion and not tell you about it?» I was beginning to be a little hysterical now.  
«Frankly, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea!» James snapped.  
«Well, excuse me, then. I wanted to give you the courtesy of telling you face to face and talk to you about it before I went ahead and killed your child!» I shrieked shrilly.  
«Emily, I cant...- Oh, fuck this.» The finality in James' voice was absolute. My entire life stopped as I watched James get up from the sofa and walk out. James' footsteps disappeared down the hallway, then the front door slammed behind him. I had stopped breathing, my heart had stopped, everything just screeched to a halt and I felt like I was cocooned in an absolute vacuum.


	47. Chapter 47

I don't know how long I just sat there, staring into nothingness. When my initial shock and horror had subsided a little, my first reaction was to cry. I slumped back against the sofa and gave myself over to an apathetic, all-consuming sort of crying bawling. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, just let out long, howling sobs. I couldn't believe James' reaction. The way he had just laid all the blame on me, making it perfectly clear that he wanted absolutely no part of any discussion or decision. The disappointment and hurt was overwhelming, mixed in with guilt and shame. Gradually the sobs died down. But it was as if my body had just run out of crying, run out of tears, because I was still just as upset. I tried calling him, not even knowing what I would say if he picked up. His phone was turned off. Barely being conscious of moving I climbed the stairs and crawled into bed, fully clothed, my mind still working furiously. Where had he gone? I thought about calling Richard, or Jezza, or Colin. Or maybe one of his sisters. But I wouldn't know how to explain it to any of them. As I lay there, trapped in my own emotional thought-chaos, something shifted in me. Anger was coming to my rescue again, shielding me from all the disappointment and hurt I felt. James had run off. He'd done the one thing he swore he'd never do to me again, and he'd run off. I hadn't expected him to be happy about it, I wasn't happy about it either. I had expected him to be shocked and upset, but I hadn't expected him to be so angry, so unfair. Everything he'd said to me had made me feel like I was the one to blame, that it was all my fault and I alone was the one who was supposed to fix it. Ever since I had found out I was pregnant, I had felt like I was carrying the entire world on my shoulders. All I had wanted was for James to come home. So I could tell him, to get it off my chest and then we could talk about it, work it out together. I hadn't expected it to be easy, or a fun conversation, but I had expected that, by the end it of it, I would feel some sort of relief. That it would take away some of the pressure and stress I was feeling. But now I felt more upset than ever before. I felt disappointed, betrayed and completely abandoned. All my faith and trust in James was just gone, and all I wanted to do was get away from him. Away from the house, from this city, I didn't want to be here when he came home. If he came home. Home? Was this home any longer? I wasn't sure if it even felt like it any more. What if he threw me out, never wanted to see me again? With that thought I made up my mind. I quickly looked at my watch, it was nearly 11pm which meant it would be midnight in Norway. Deciding this qualified as a personal crisis I called my sister anyway, surprised to hear that she was quite awake.  
«You still up?» I asked.  
«Yeah, I have a short day tomorrow and don't start until noon, so... Are you okay? Do you have a cold or something?» Elin asked, having picked up on the gruffness of my voice.  
«No, I'm not okay. Listen, can I come stay with you guys for a while?»  
«With us..? What, here, in Norway? Well, of course you can, but... What's going on? Has something happened with you and James?» She asked, the level of urgency in her voice rising. I sighed heavily, willing myself not to cry again.  
«I'll tell you everything tomorrow, okay? I just need to know I have somewhere to go...» I begged, my voice craking.  
«Of course you have, dear,» Elin said maternally. «Our door is always open. Just let me know when you arrive, okay? And take care of yourself?»  
«Thank you,» I breathed with relief, then said goodbye and hung up. I booked myself on the first flight out of Heathrow to Oslo, with a connection to Kristiansand where my sister lived. The flight was set for 10am the next morning, with a few hours stopover in Oslo. I sent her a text letting her know I'd be landing around 2pm. Knowing that I wouldn't get to sleep any time soon I got out of bed and found my huge suitcase, throwing anything and everything into it that I might need or miss if I was never coming back to this house. I was surprised to find that the thought of never returning didn't reduce me to a sobbing wreck. I would have expected it to. But instead of despair and hurt, all I felt was anger, bordering in rage. Suitcase and backpack packed, I carried everything downstairs and placed it by the front door. I did another sweep of the place, spotting what felt like a million things I could've claimed was 'mine', but I knew I couldn't fit everything. Eventually I sank down on the sofa in the dark living-room. Despite myself I tried calling James again. Phone was still off. I set my alarm to 8am just to be on the safe side, not really believing that I would get any sleep. Throwing the phone over into an empty chair I wallowed over onto my side on the sofa. I lay there, in the pitch black, in a stupor, consumed by what felt like every bad emotion a human being could have. Part of me was on edge, constantly listening intently for any sounds that might indicate that James had come back – the slam of a car door, footsteps or the rattle of keys. But no such sounds came.

Unsurprisingly the phone didn't wake me, I was waiting for it to go off. The living room had gotten increasingly brighter as morning crept nearer. When the screeching sound of the alarm went off, I rolled out of the sofa and shut it off, then called for a taxi in half an hour. The nausea was there again, but only like a dull, distant annoyance, as if I wasn't really connected to my own body. With heavy feet I dragged myself upstairs and into the bathroom. As I splashed my face with ice-cold water I noticed the bracelet on my wrist. I looked at the little charms, remembering what each one symbolized. How could it have come to this? Three weeks ago, when James had given me the bracelet, everything had been absolutely perfect. And now it was just destroyed. Angrily I undid the clasp and took it off. I didn't want to keep it on, I didn't want to be reminded of all the memories it held. My hair was a mess and I couldn't be bothered to shower, I figured a knit hat would do, it was late October after all. I brushed my teeth and threw the toothbrush in the bin. Looking at myself in the mirror I realised I looked awful. Pale and drawn with blue circles underlining puffy eyes. I rummaged through a drawer in the bedroom, trying to figure out which was mine and which were James' in the mess of sunglasses. Dammit, why did we both have to wear aviators? Giving up I picked up a pair at random and put them on. There, hidden from the outside world. In the kitchen I stuffed a slice of bread in the toaster, then stared into nothingness until the slice popped up. I contemplated writing him a note, or a letter, but I wouldn't even know how to begin writing one. Everything seemed to go past in slow motion, my mind numbed by exhaustion and shock. Disinterested I munched on the toast while I rummaged around in the closet in the hallway for a hat. Checking the time I realised I would be picked up any minute and I pulled on my shoes and jacket. The sound of a car horn outside warned me my taxi had arrived and I opened the door. The driver helped me with my huge suitcase while I picked up my little backpack and handbag. When the door slammed shut behind me I stood there for a while, staring at the keys in my hand. House keys, garage keys, spare keys for the Panda... I didn't need these any more, nor want them. Decisively I opened the mailbox slot and shoved them through, hearing them land and slide across the floor of the hallway.

Thankfully the cab drive to Heathrow went by in relative silence. I knew I was cutting it short, by the time I got to the airport my flight would leave in an hour, but I just couldn't stand the idea of having to mill around at the airport for hours. It had happened once or twice ever since my relationship with James had 'gone public' that someone had recognised me and been unable to resist the urge to tap me on the shoulder and go «excuse me, but aren't you..?» When it happened, the person had always been very nice, but I knew I just couldn't handle an episode like that. Not now. Entering the airport I pulled my sunglasses back on, and only took them off when I checked my bag in and when I went through security.  
When I landed in my designated seat, I gave a heavy sigh. I had finally made it here. No one had recognised me. I had reached the point of no return, no one could stop me, I was really leaving. I turned off my phone, deciding that when I got to Norway I'd get a prepaid card on it with a Norwegian phone number. I didn't want to give James any chance to contact me, I didn't want him to make me doubt my decision, to just make it harder for me than it already was. Taking off and seeing England disappear underneath me as we climbed I felt a sense of relief. No going back now. And with that, and the steady hum and buzz of the airplane, I fell into an exhausted, empty sleep. 

The stewardess actually had to wake me when we had landed in Oslo. Walking out of the plane and over the tarmac towards the terminal building I was thankful for the hat as it was far colder here than it had been in London. Being back in Norway was strange. Hearing most people speaking Norwegian around me suddenly felt unfamiliar, I hadn't been in Norway for nearly 10 months. Having about an hour to kill I bought a prepaid simcard at a kiosk then sat down at Starbucks, having a big coffee and trying to tempt myself with a big cookie. Taking out the old sim-card I considered throwing it away, but thought better of it and put it into my wallet. Turning on the phone again I sent a quick text to my sister letting her know I could be reached on a new number, and for her not to bother to pick me up at the airport. I knew I would be landing right around the time the kids had to be picked up at school and in daycare and I didn't want to be to any trouble. Restless, I got my iPad out and got onto the coffee shops' wifi, checking my e-mail and twitter. Becoming aware how my heart was in my throat I realised that checking emails and twitter from now on would be a nerve-wracking thing, because I would be worried if there would be anything from James. So far nothing, just the normal newsletters and things. Needing a distraction I busied myself with reading the norwegian online newspapers, trying to catch up on what was going on in my old country. The hour I had to wait until I could board the next flight crept by slowly. 

_  
James' hand shook a little as he tried unlocking his own front door. What might meet him inside terrified him, but he knew he had to face it, whatever it was – blind rage, sadness or the silent treatment. With a grocery bag full of sweets and ice cream, and a huge boquet of roses, he maneuvered the door open. Everything was quiet. He called out Emily's name as the door shut behind him. Silence. As he took another few steps inside, heading for the kitchen, he felt his foot connect with something that made a jangling sound. Looking down he saw Emily's bundle of keys on the floor. He frowned a little at them, but left them on the floor, too intent on hunting Emily out. Passing through the kitchen he discarded the grocery bag and the flowers on the kitchen table. He called her name again, louder this time, listening intently for a reponse from somewhere in the house. Nothing. There was no note on the fridge or the kitchen counter. James exited the kitchen on the other side, walking through the living-room. Everything was so neat and tidy, and he knew Emily had cleaned the entire house to make it nice for when he came home. He noticed Emily's iPad was gone from its usual spot underneath the coffee table. With a sense of foreboding he climbed the stairs, hoping he'd find Emily asleep or just stubbornly refusing to answer him. In the bedroom he met the same tidyness, the beds were neatly made and there were no clothes anywhere. The fact that she wasn't here didn't surprise him, the possibility of her having gone to a friend or something had crossed his mind. But where had she gone? To Herefordshire, to talk to Mindy? Or to Cathy, maybe, or Kellie? Or even to Ben and Jo's? She could've gone anywhere. Not quite knowing why James opened the closets and felt how his heart sank. Most of Emily's everyday clothes were gone. The drawer in the nightstand on 'her' side of the bed was also empty; her books, chargers, all gone. In the bathroom most of her toiletries were gone as well. Needing to know for sure, James opened a storage cupboard and found that Emily's huge suitcase was also missing. With his heart somewhere in his shoes he made his way downstairs and sat down on the third bottom step. His eyes fell on the keys still lying on the hallway floor. If she'd gone somewhere, why were they here? In his minds eye he had a fleeting vision of Emily standing outside the front door with her suitcase, opening the mailslot and throwing the keys inside, having decided she wouldn't need them ever again. Because she was never coming back. Panic rising inside him he fished his phone out of his pocket and tried calling her. A voice told him the phone was either switched off or in an area with no service. With a frustrated huff he stuffed the phone back into his pocket, rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Looking up, he saw his grocery-bag of apologies and the boquet of roses on the kitchen table. Reality hit him like a ton of bricks, knocking the wind out of him. Emily had left him._


	48. Chapter 48

Finding myself at my sister's door was a surreal experience. I hadn't been here for years, and felt I couldn't just barge in. Taking a deep breath I rang the doorbell. From inside I heard light, running footsteps and then the door was torn open.   
«Auntie Emily!» Amalie's eyes widened with surprise and she smiled from ear to ear. She opened the door wider for me and let me in, then gave me a quick hug. «Why are you here?» She asked innocently.   
«I thought I'd come visit you guys for a bit, if that's okay? I missed you!» I smiled at her.  
«Oh. Sure!» She smiled as I took my shoes and jacket off. My sister appeared in the doorway from the livingroom, carrying Max on her arm. He'd grown a lot since last time I saw him, he was less of a baby now, more like a little boy. But he smiled widely when he saw me and stretched out his arms, remembering my face from the video chats we'd had on the computer. My sister handed him over to me and I took the little boy into a big bear hug.   
«Hello, you big boy!» I said, trying my very best to seem happy and cheerful for the kids. But seeing him, seeing how he'd grown, being around children, it all brought into sharp relief the situation I was in. Elin wrapped her arms around me, hugging both me and her own son. She didn't say anything, but she gave me a long, searching look. She could tell I was struggling already.   
«Come in, come in,» she gestured impatiently, as if she thought it was unnecessary to have to invite her sister into her own house. I followed her, feeling a little light-headed and incredibly out of place. I hated to come crashing in like this, intruding on their family life with my personal chaos. In the corner of my eye I saw her exchange a few quick words with her husband. Then she cleared her throat loudly.   
«Hey, guys! I thought you two could maybe go with your dad, have pizza for dinner? How does that sound?» She said enthusiastically. Both children dropped what they were holding and lit up at the mention of going out for pizza.   
"Can auntie Emily come too?" Amalie asked. I smiled sadly at her and opened my mouth, but Elin relieved me of having to come up with an excuse.   
"Auntie Emily has travelled a long way, she's very tired, pumpkin." Amalie accepted this, but she came over to me and wrapped her arms around my hips, hugging me for a second before running into the hallway to put on her shoes. Within ten minutes both kids were dressed and strapped in the car, ready to go to their favourite pizza place. As the door shut behind Elin's husband, absolute quiet descended.   
«Thank you for that...» I said quietly from my place on the sofa.   
«Do you want anything? Tea, coffee..?» Elin asked. I shook my head. «Just water.» Elin poured herself a cup of coffee and filled a glass with water. Sitting down opposite me she handed me the glass of water.   
«You look like shit,» she said quietly.  
«I know...» I sighed, had a sip of water then put the glass down. The silence stretched between us, Elin just looked at me over her cup of coffee with polite patience. «Elin, I'm.. pregnant.»  
«Oh... Wow.» Elin raised her eyebrows in surprise, and took a moment to let it sink in. «Have you told James?»  
«Yes, yesterday. I've known for a few weeks, but he's been away in Africa, filming with Top Gear,» I sighed.  
«And how did that go?» She asked.  
«A lot worse than I ever could have imagined,» I sighed.   
«I should've guessed, really. Seeing as you're here, I mean,» Elin pointed out.   
«He just... said a lot of things that really shocked me, mean things, and then he walked out on me. So I left. I just.. couldn't be there when he came back.»  
«I didn't think James was capable of saying anything mean. Especially not to you,» Elin sighed, looking at me sympathetically. «So, what now?» She asked mildly. I sighed sadly, fiddling with my own fingers.   
«I don't know, Elin... I... just need some time to try and get my head around everything. I'm so exhausted and everything is just chaos, I can't think straight.» I looked at her pleadingly and she nodded slowly. «I have another few weeks of sick leave, I've had such bad morning sickness I haven't even been able to work,» I said unhappily.  
«That explains why you look so awful...» Elin admitted. «I never had much nausesa with the kids. Well, a little with Max. That must be absolute torture.»  
«It is,» I conceded. «Elin... Thank you, for taking me in like this. I didn't know where to go, in England most of my friends are also James' friends and I just... needed some distance.»  
«It's all right. What are sisters for, right?»

I fell into some sort of routine in my sisters house. I was never present at breakfasts, my nausea was paralyzing and I spent most mornings curled up on the bed in the guestroom with the window open, gasping for fresh air. When the nausea finally settled I did laundry or sorted the dishes, wanting to help out around the house and make me staying there less of a burden. Max was in daycare a short walk from the house, and most days I went and got him early, spending an hour or so playing with cars or watching cartoons with him. Often I made dinner so it would be ready until everyone else got home from work and school. House chores, taking care of Max, making dinner, it was all a way of making myself busy, distracting myself from my own, chaotic heart and mind. No matter how hard I tried, my mind kept straying to James. Thinking of him had become a habit, he was such a huge part of my life and if I wasn't with him, I thought of him. But now I wish I didn't have to. I couldn't stop myself from wondering how he was. What he was doing. Was he worried? Or was he just relieved that I'd gone? In the afternoon I helped Amalie with homework or played some more with Max, often passing out at about the same time as the kids did, needing to catch up on whatever sleep the nausea was stealing from me. Elin made some tentative, careful attempts at talking to me, asking me what I was thinking about James or my own pregnancy. And I always tried to wriggle out of the conversations by being vague or changing the subject. The truth was that I didn't know what I was thinking about either subjects. For the most part I tried not to think about it at all. 

_  
With trembling hands James found Sarah's phone number in his contact list and called her, begging silently for her to pick up. He felt a wave of relief when he heard her voice.  
«Hello?»  
«Sarah? It's me, James.» His sister instincts for when something was wrong immediately kicked in.  
«James, what's wrong?» Her voice was urgent and serious.   
«Could you.. come over?» James asked, feeling a little stupid. «I just.. need someone to talk to. And I don't think I'm in shape to drive anywhere right now...» he finished, his voice shaking a little.   
«No, stay where you are, if you think you shouldn't drive you probably shouldn't. I'll be there as soon as I can. Call me meanwhile if you need to,» she said, immediately going into crisis-management mode. She knew asking him what was going on was pointless, if he'd wanted to talk on the phone he would have. So she decided to just drop everything and go. The sound of her big brother's voice suddenly scared her, she had never heard him sound like that. The fact that he had called and asked for her help, saying that he needed someone to talk to, was something she'd never experienced before. James was a private person, and even though she knew he was a very emotional man, he was also very private about it, he rarely spoke of his emotions. Whatever bad things James had experienced in his life, he'd always dealt with them on his own.   
Little over two hours later Sarah burst through the front door of James' house. «James! James!»   
«In here,» she heard from the living room. He was sitting in his sofa, looking pale and absolutely grief-stricken. His eyes were puffy and blood-shot, she was sure he must have been crying. She sat down next to him and took his hand, studying him carefully.   
«James! What's happened?» She asked a little breathlessly, her voice full of concern.   
«Do you want a cup of tea or something...?» James said slowly.   
«No no, don't be ridiculous,» she waved him down. «Just tell me what is going on! Did something happen? Is someone dead? Is it Emily?»  
«Emily... left..» James said apathetically, staring into nothingness.   
«She what?!» Sarah shrieked, a little louder than she had meant to. «Left? Why? What the hell is going on?» Sarah couldn't think of a single reason as to why Emily would leave, their relationship had seemed rock solid from her point of view. She knew how completely besotted James was with her, she'd never seen her brother so in love and she'd been convinced it would be the two of them forever.   
«I came back from Africa yesterday and... when I got home she told me... she was pregnant.» James was still talking slowly, the tone in his voice was flat and lifeless, and he seemed to be in shock. Sarah's eyebrows shot upwards with surprise and she nearly gasped, but she tried to stay silent and give James time to continue talking. «She'd known for weeks and I... just lost it and said a lot of awful things to her. Then I left, went to a hotel to sleep, I was exhausted after that shoot and...» His voice trailed off, he could hear how pathetic he sounded.   
«.. How awful.. exactly?» Sarah asked a little hesitantly. She knew it was a rather insensitive question, James was obviously drowning in his own guilt, but she felt she needed to know the severity of the situation.  
«I.. Got mad at her because she admitted to having forgotten her pill once or twice... And I just blamed it all on her and asked her what she was going to do about it... Then I sort of said I wished she'd just had an abortion while I was away and never told me about it.» James fiddled with his own hands as he spoke, squirming uncomfortably in his seat. Retelling the horrible things he had said to Emily was nearly killing him.  
«Oh James, you complete arse!» She huffed, but not entirely unkindly.   
«I know...» He said, and he looked so unhappy Sarah's heart almost broke for him. «But I was just so.... shocked, and scared! I was terrified!» He said desperately.  
«You? You were scared? How do you think she felt, then?!» Sarah said loudly, remembering the first time she had been pregnant herself. «She is the one with the baby inside her, after all! Imagine what it must've been like for her, knowing about this for weeks while you were away, carrying that burden on her own, terrified of how you'd might react when you come home? And then you do that to her?!» Every single one of Sarah's words pierced through James like knife-stabs. She was right, and he knew it. He'd been so focused on his own exhaustion, his own shock and horror that he hadn't been able to think about how Emily must have felt. And he felt stupid for having expected some sympathy and comfort from his sister, because clearly he didn't deserve any.   
«She said she didn't want to tell me on the phone because she didn't want to ruin my trip and distract me from work..» He said feebly, realising he just made his case even worse for himself.  
«James, I'm sorry darling, but no fucking wonder she left,» Sarah said  
«I know...» James said again, not looking at his sister. He seemed to shrink away even more, and Sarah was shocked to see that his bottom lip began quivering. She'd never seen her brother cry and suddenly she didn't know what to do. She had comforted her own children when they were crying countless times, and all she could think to do was to gently wrap her arms around her big brother. James hugged her back, grateful for the comfort that he knew he didn't deserve. When he had his crying under control he pulled away from his sister a little but she kept an arm around his shoulders. «I can't get hold of her, Sarah... Her phone is off, I've tried calling her hundreds of times. I don't even know where she's gone, if she's all right, if she has someone to take care of her... What if she's alone somewhere?»  
«Oh, James...» Sarah sighed, squeezing her brother a little and resting her head on his shoulder. «Emily is a resourceful woman, I'm sure she's gone somewhere she feels safe and where she can get some support.»  
«She was so nauseous the day I left for Africa, you know.. Morning sickness.» The term sounded completely alien in James' mouth. «When I came back, she looked so... thin and pale. It kills me not knowing where she is..» He sniffed.   
«James, give her a bit of time...» Sarah suggested. «Emily is just a mess of hormones and feelings right now, or so I would imagine. She needs time to sort it out and process everything. » James gave an impatient, frustrated huff.   
«I don't know if I can do that. What if she thinks I wanted her to leave? That I'm relieved she did?»  
«James, her phone is turned off, she clearly needs some time to herself. She might come around on her own.»  
«And what if she doesn't?» He asked defiantly.  
«Then you'll have to track her down,» she answered simply.  
«God, I am such a miserable bastard,» he sighed, burying his face in his hands.   
«You are,» Sarah agreed. «But she loves you, James.»  
«Maybe she did, before... I hope she still does...» He said sadly. Sarah couldn't give him any comforting answers to that. But she hoped, for her brother's sake, that Emily still did.  
_


	49. Chapter 49

As Elin walked through her own front door she realised her patience had run out. That was it. For the 9 days Emily had stayed so far, Elin had tried her best to get her to talk about what was going on in her head. What was she going to do with the baby? And James? Had she left him for good? But Emily wouldn't talk. She'd tried getting Emily to contact James, but that was just out of the question. And Elin didn't want to push her too hard, scared of what that might to do her sister. She sensed how frail and fragile Emily was, even though she did her best to put on a brave face and act normal. And Elin was worrying herself sick, walking on needles and waiting for the inevitable breakdown. And now it had happened and Emily. The phone call from the hospital had scared Elin out of her wits, and now she was scared and a little angry. Elin knew Emily had gotten a norwegian phone number just so she wouldn't have to face talking to James. She also knew James had sent Emily dozens of mails, she had seen them one day when Emily had forgotten to log out of her e-mail on Elin's computer. Elin disliked snooping around, but she couldn't resist, feeling like she had to know if James had tried contacting her at all. All of the e-mails were in the trash, all of them unread.  
With a sense of guilt Elin hunted out Emily's handbag and found her phone. Relieved to find that it wasn't locked with a code, she opened the contact list and was happy to find that James' number was still stored on it. Quickly typing the phone-number into her own phone she immedately tried calling him. No answer. With her heart in her throat she quickly typed in a message to him, as if she was worried someone was going to catch her in the act of sending him a message.   
«Hi, it's Elin, Emily's sister. I need to talk to you, it's important. Could you please call me?» Elin put the phone down, went upstairs and started to rummage around in the guest room where Emily had been staying, trying to think of what she might need at the hospital. Phone charger, toiletries, some clothes, a few books. She dropped everything when she heard her phone ring downstairs. Her heart plummeted to her knees when she saw James' name on the display. What was she even going to say to him?  
«Hello, it's Elin?» She answered, trying to sound formal.  
«Hi, Elin, it's me. James. Sorry, I didn't have the phone on me earlier...» he said, but his voice trailed off as if he couldn't bring himself to ask about Emily. Had Elin seen her? Talked to her? What was going on? Was she all right?  
«Oh, it's all right,» Elin said comfortingly. «Listen, James, Emily doesn't know I've contacted you...» Best to get it off her chest right away.   
«I've tried contacting her. But her UK number is disconnected and she won't answer my emails.” At the mention of Emily's name James' voice turned desperate and apologetic. “I've thought about contacting you or your brother, trying to find her. I figured she had to be in Norway, none of her friends here in England has seen or heard from her. But I thought that you probably wouldn't want to talk to me either. I didn't want to put you in an awkward position...» He sounded so desperately unhappy as he tried to explain and Elin felt a wave of sympathy for him. «I don't even know where she is...»  
«I know, James, I know...» Elin soothed. «I know you've tried to contact her, I saw the emails by accident. I've thought about contacting you many times, James, but... I just didn't fancy going behind her back like that, for one. I wanted to try and make her contact you on her own. I mean... Emily hasn't told me much, just that you reacted in a bad way. That being said, I don't agree with how Emily is handling it either, she's just.. trying to ignore it, displace it.»  
«So you must've seen her, then..?»  
«Yeah, she's been living here ever since she... came from London. She felt she couldn't go to dads or Eric, she wouldn't know how to explain.»  
«Oh.. okay...» James sounded thoroughly lost.  
«Listen, James, I needed to talk to you because Emily is in the hospital.»   
«Hospital...?» James repeated, sounding stunned.   
«She's all right,» Elin hastened to add before James could wind himself up too much. «She was out for a walk earlier today and collapsed, some passers by found her, called an ambulance. At the hospital they said her blood pressure was very low and her heart rate a bit erratic, they think the low pressure caused her to pass out. They took a lot of blood tests. She had electrolyte imbalances because of dehydration. They also told me she was anaemic, which could also be the reason for her blacking out.» Elin stopped talking, giving James some time to let the information sink in.  
«But is she still...» He began. Elin relieved him of having to finish his question, she had heard the fear and concern in his voice.  
«Yeah, she's still pregnant,» she said kindly. «And the baby is just fine. Emily is just... a wreck, James. The nausea is still giving her trouble, even more than I was aware of. If I didn't know any better I would say this was just... killing her. The pregnancy, not knowing what to do about it, being without you, being away from London...»  
«Elin, please, I need to see her, I need to talk to her. Do you think I could come to Norway?» He asked hesitantly.  
«Yeah, I think you should,» Elin said with relief. «I wanted to ask you if you would, actually.»  
«All right. Just tell me which airport to go to and I'll ring you later when I've sorted out flights and things.» Elin and James worked out the details, she told him which airport to fly to and gave him the address. They agreed to talk more when James was in Norway, and hung up. Elin didn't quite know how to feel about it. Partly she felt relieved that she had contacted him, having thought about it for so long. And she felt relieved he was coming. But she felt guilt too, she wondered how livid Emily would be when she found out what she'd contacted James. With a sigh she got up and went back to packing the overnight bag for Emily. The prospect of going to the hospital frightened her a little, not knowing what state Emily would be in. She considered telling Emily that she's contacted James, that he would be coming to Norway. Maybe it would lessen the shock a little. But if she gave Emily the heads up, maybe Emily would feel like she was cornered and decide to run away again.

 

James arrived in a taxi the next afternoon, having refused that Elin come pick him up. Elin had insisted that James at least stay with them and not at a hotel, and he'd accepted the compromise. Once again Elin had wanted to send her kids, this time she's sent them off to go swimming.   
«Hello, James,» Elin said with a gentle smile as she opened the door. He returned her smile tiredly, looking harassed and tense.  
«Hello.» Elin even pulled him in for a hug, a little surprised at herself. She could tell how upset James was just by looking at him and was hit with a wave of sympathy. She'd only met James once, but she felt like she knew him through everything Emily had told her about him, and from the times James had joined in their webcam chats. And now, their mutual concern for Emily had brought them a little closer. James hugged her back, albeit a little shyly, and Elin ushered him inside. James accepted Elin's offer of coffee and she busied herself making it while James got out of his jacket and shoes. James joined Elin in the kitchen and they sat down by the kitchen table, both cradling steaming mugs.   
«Was your flights okay?» Elin asked, blowing at her steaming hot coffee.   
«Yeah, just... they felt long, I wanted to get here,» James sighed. Elin wasn't going to torture James more with chit-chat, she knew the only thing on James' mind was Emily.  
«I went by the hospital and saw Emily after we'd talked yesterday,» Elin said. «They were giving her a bloodtransfusion and fluids to get her bloodpressure stable again and sort out her electrolytes. She was just... weak and tired so I didn't stay long, she wanted to sleep.»  
«But how can she be so anemic? Is she bleeding somewhere?» James asked, looking concerned.   
«Well, when a woman is pregnant the amount of blood in her body increases by almost 50 percent. And if the body doesn't have enough iron reserves it won't be able to produce enough blood. Emily has been eating and drinking way too little for weeks and weeks because of her nausea and all the stress, so her body hasn't been able to keep up with the demand for more blood. The body prioritizes the baby, hence Emily passed out.»  
«She looked really pale last time I saw her...» James said quietly, fiddling with the handle on his mug.  
«I haven't seen her today, but talked to her on the phone. She says she feels a little better, the blood transfusion helped. But they want to keep her there a bit longer, she's still a bit woozy and her bloodpressure still isn't stable,» Elin explained.  
«Good,» James nodded. «That they're keeping her there, I mean,» he added hastily.  
«When I was about to leave the hospital yesterday... The doctor in charge of Emily's treatment wanted to talk to me,» Elin began. «She said she was considering doing a psychiatric evaluation on her.»  
«Psychiatric...?» James said weakly, looking scared and confused.   
«Yeah... She said that Emily obviously wasn't taking care of herself, even though she knows how to because she's a nurse and a smart woman. She also thought that Emily seemed very.. unbalanced, almost in denial about her pregnancy and refusing to talk about it. And Emily has a psychiatric history... I filled the doctor in on the situation, which made her understand Emily a little better. They were going to hold off on the psych evaluation. The doctor also admitted that it would be a difficult thing to do on Emily because she would instantly know what they were doing, which might just cause her to freak out completely.» As Elin spoke, James felt as if his heart was physically breaking in his chest. It killed him to hear what a state Emily was in, his Emily, the love of his life. And the guilt threatened to crush him, he felt like everything Emily was going through was entirely his fault. James cleared his throat.   
«What do you think? Do you think she needs a psych evaluation?» He asked timidly. He valued her opinion, Elin had known Emily all her life, and through periods in Emily's life that had been very hard on her.   
«She's... very frail and fragile, I feel like she's been walking around here being completely made of glass, and that it would take absolutely nothing to break her. I've been really worried about her, seeing her like that... it reminded me of how she used to be in her teens, and that was terrifying.» James just looked at Elin quizzically. «I don't know how much Emily has told you about the problems she had?» Elin asked.   
«Not much, really...» James admitted. He could only remember Emily talking about her difficult past two times. «I know that she lost her mum when she was 12, and that she had depressions and anxiety for many years. And that she was suicidal at some point. And I know she lost her best mate. That's about it, really.» Elin had a sip of her coffee, then squared her shoulders a little, looking into James' eyes.   
«If you had met Emily 10-15 years ago, you wouldn't have recognised her. She had the worst depressions, she could be fine one day, and the next she'd be in her bed, completely apathetic. And it would last for days, weeks. She had a cycle of being awake for 24 or maybe 48 hours, then passing out from exhaustion. She ate every two or three days, and only got out of bed to have a shower or eat. At night she would have the most horrible nightmares imaginable... I remember seeing her back once, it was full of bloody scratchmarks because she was scratching at herself in her sleep, she didn't even know they were there. It was awful. She was impossible to relate to, she shyed away from all of us and nothing we said or did was any help. Eventually she became suicidal, planning out how she was going to kill herself with her car. Thats when we got her into a psychiatric hospital. She lived there for well over two months, and was diagnosed with a personality disorder in addition to generalised depression and anxiety.» Elin stopped talking, giving James the time to take it all in.   
«I can't believe it's Emily you're talking about...» He said eventually. «I knew about her being suicidal, about the car, she told me about that once, but... I don't know, I guess I didn't believe her. Or wanted to believe.»  
«I can't either, looking at Emily today. Well not today, but you know what I mean. With the right help she worked her way out of all her self-destructiveness, somehow managing to change into the Emily you and I know. She's been stable and happy for nearly ten years now. But now, ever since she came here... it just reminds me of that time, walking on eggshells around her, watching her as she's trying to hide everything away. She's been amazing with the kids, and helping around the house, but I've also heard her cry at night, in her sleep.» Elin watched James sadly, she could see all the pain and despair in his face, he seemed so helpless and lost. With a sigh she put his hand on top of James', squeezing it lightly. «To answer your guestion: no, James, I don't think she needs a psych evaluation. I think she just needs you.»  
«I don't know..» James said with a sad little shrug. «Maybe I'm the last person she needs... I did this to her, I'm the reason she's all.. broken..»  
«Well, then you better go fix her again, James. She's my baby sister, and you're the only person who can. You're not allowed to give up on her,» Elin said firmly. James was glad that he didn't hear any trace of blame in her voice.   
«I'll try...» James said with a weak smile.  
«Want me to drive you to the hospital right away?» She asked kindly, and James nodded quietly, looking terrified at the prospect. «I wish I could tell you how I think Emily will react to seeing you, but I can't, James. I have absolutely no idea.» James nodded his understanding, trying to mentally prepare himself. He didn't know either, and he wondered if she was going to rage and scream and have him thrown out, or have a complete breakdown? In any case, he needed to see her.


	50. Chapter 50

_James knocked quietly on the door and listened intently for a reply. Everything was quiet inside. Thinking Emily might be asleep he gently opened the door and peered inside. There was a little corridor with a door leading off to what he assumed was a bathroom. The hospital bed was half-hidden and he had to walk inside the room to look around the corner and see the entire room. Just as he peeked around the corner to find that the room was empty, he heard the tap running in the bathroom. James froze in the middle of the floor. What should he do? Go sit down? Knock on the bathroom door, make himself known? Or run out of the room and give her the chance to deny him entrance? He would look like such a clot if he tried retreating and was caught. Unable to make a decision he stayed rooted to the spot, staring hypnotized at the door._

Coming out of the bathroom I noticed a shape in the corner of my eye made that me stop in the doorway and look up. James was staring at me, like a deer caught in the headlights, wide-eyed and wound like a spring. For a moment I was unable to do anything but stare back at him, at his face that still had a tan from being in Africa, and his over-long hair which he obviously hadn't gotten around to sort out yet.  
«James...» I began, hearing the surprise in my own voice. As I said so I took an aimless, distracted step forward. «Ow! Fuck! God damn it..!» When I had gone to the bathroom I'd just taken the IV bag with me and hanged it on the towel hook. It was still there, but the tube had got caught on the sink. The tape holding the cannula in place had began falling off in places, and when I had taken a step forwards the tube was stretched taught and yanked the peripheral cannula, and the tape holding it in place, right off my arm. The pain of it made me swear loudly out of pure instinct. With James being there I had reverted to swearing in English without even thinking about it. I spun around and saw the IV tubing lying on the floor, dripping blood and Ringer solution onto the floor. I quickly closed off the drip and picked the tube up off the floor. Then I noticed the pools of blood on the floor, and something warm and wet trickle over my fingers.  
«What did you do?!» James' voice was somewhere between exasperation and panic as he looked over my shoulder into the bathroom. I yanked a few paper towels out of the dispenser and held it against the bleed.  
«I moved, IV tube got caught on something and it yanked the thing out,» I said with a tired sigh, looking from the bloody mess on the floor to James. He seemed worried as his eyes darted from my face to my hand to the blood on the floor.  
«The thing..?» He said a little confused.  
«You know, the...» I held out my hand, gesturing to the tube, trying to make him understand. «The thing, the.. injection valve!» I rambled, so distracted by James' presence that I had lost most of my vocabulary.  
«... Injection valve?» James repeated dryly, I could tell by the look on his face he was trying to bite back an amused smirk.  
«Peripheral cannula! That's the word,» I said, suddenly remembering. Then it was like all the air went out of me. «Ugh, I need to sit down.» I hobbled past James and sat down on the bed. I didn't know what had made me light-headed, if it was just the trip to the bathroom or the shock of James' sudden appearance. The hospital bed's adjustable back was raised into as half-sitting position and I slumped back against it and breathed heavily, still feeling dizzy. James trailed nervously after me, not quite sure what to do with himself. I nodded weakly to the chair by the bed, signalling that it was OK for him to sit down. Thinking I better tell the nurses about my little accident I pressed the call button. He sank down on the chair and looked at me silently for a long time, concern and sadness written all over his face. The silence between us was opressive and heavy, and I had no idea how to break it. I wouldn't know what to say, I couldn't even decide if I was angry or sad or happy to see him. Just as he opened his mouth he was interrupted by the door opening. A nurse came in, stopping a little in her tracks as she saw the unfamiliar man by my bedside. She raised a quizzical, but discreet eyebrow at him without James noticing.  
«He's the, um... the father,» I told her in Norwegian, not quite sure how else to title him.  
«Oh, right,» she said with an understanding smile.  
«Listen, I'm sorry, I sort of managed to yank my needle out,» I said apologetically, holding up my bloodied hand. «I should probably get another one in. Oh, and the bathroom looks like I've slaughtered something.»  
«Oh, okay. Yeah, we should get another cannula in, but.. Maybe I should wait until you two have had a moment to talk...?» The nurse suggested delicately, expertly picking up on the awkward, tense mood in the room. «Not like there's any rush with that drip, it'll be up all night anyway. I'll sort the bathroom out later.»  
«Okay...» I nodded and the nurse disappeared. James looked at me with raised eyebrows, expecting a translation.  
«I need a new cannula in, but she was a bit busy right now...» I lied, gesturing to the bloody hand. «There's no rush anyway, it's just... saline, really. Electrolytes.» James just nodded, not saying anything. I couldn't tear my eyes away from James, wondering what was going to happen. Was he angry with me? Or just sad and disappointed? Why had he come here?  
«God, you're a bloody mess,» James finally said with a sympathetic sigh, looking at my lower arm and hand which was covered in quickly drying blood. James' sudden arrival had made me so flustered and distracted I had forgotten all about it. There was a fresh wash cloth and a towel hanging off a little sink in the corner, he walked over to it and turned on the taps, letting it run a little to warm up before soaking the wash-cloth in water. Wordlessly he sat back down on the chair and began cleaning it off. I let him do it, watching him as he gently and tenderly cleaned my hand and wrist. My mind was still reeling from having suddenly found James in my hospital room. My emotions hadn't caught up with reality yet, and I still didn't know how to feel about him being here. The blood and the wash-cloth brought back memories I hadn't considered for months. I cleared my throat before breaking the silence.  
«So, I've been trying to suss this one out...,» I began. «What is a long-haired, British television presenter doing in a Norwegian medical ward?» Already while I was mid-sentence James had started smiling, remembering the conversation we'd had the first day we met. James' eyes flicked up to me, then went back to focusing on my hand.  
«I guess the roles have been reversed,» he admitted with a slow nod, his eyes a little unfocused as he too seemed to be reliving the memories. «This time you're the one in a hospital bed and I'm the one cleaning the blood.»  
«Well... I've always said you'd be a good nurse,» I said quietly. He smiled and gave a little nod, flicking his eyes up to mine again for a moment.  
«They've just put blood into you, you shouldn't go spilling it everywhere,» James observed dryly. Before I even had time to stop myself I let out a snort of laughter. He continued meticulously cleaning my hand, experiencing for himself just how stubborn dried blood can be. I was grateful for the silence, my thoughts were spinning but I was constantly distracted by James' touch. When my arm and hand was clean he gently wrapped the towel around it, drying it off properly, then discarded the used towel and bloody cloth into the sink, still holding my clean hand in one of his. I watched as his thumb began caressing the skin on my knuckles, gently and tentatively. The feel of James' familiar, loving touch instantly caused a painful, sour lump to swell in my throat, his touch brought out so much sadness and longing. And hurt. Unwilling to cry I pulled my hand away from him, knowing that if I cried now I would break down completely. I didn't have the strength for that, I'd had too many of them lately. I felt worn thin, like one more breakdown would truly break me. James' eyes lingered at his own, now empty hand. Then he cleared his throat and squared his shoulders, sitting up a little straighter before looking at me.  
«Emily, I...» He began, then hesitated. «I don't know how to say this...» That was all it took for my heart to plummet to the floor and my eyes to well up with tears. A horrible, icy wave washed through me as all my fears began spinning around in my head. Was this it? Had he come here to end this? Once and for all? Was he really leaving me? Or maybe he thought that had I left him? Had I? Maybe this was already over? James sighed, closed his eyes for a second, shook his head a little and began again.  
«Emily, I'm so sorry. That night I came home... I'm sorry for everything. For the way I reacted, for all the things I said. I was exhausted, the last bit of that trip was a nightmare and I was so worried about what was going on with you. I hadn't slept for a few days, I couldn't think straight. What you told me... I was so shocked, and I just panicked. Everything I said, it just... I didn't mean any of it, everything just came out wrong.»  
«No, James, what you said was honest.» I said stubbornly, refusing to look at him. It wasn't going to be this easy, I wasn't going to let it, he couldn't just come here and say he was sorry and that he didn't mean it. Something must have caused him to say the things he did apart from exhaustion and worry.  
«No, it wasn't!» He said adamantly, his voice a little shrill. «I was just fucking scared, and when people are scared they say a lot of stupid things they don't really mean. And I have a history of saying and doing stupid thing when I'm scared, we've established this,» he added with self-irony. For a moment I almost smiled, but I bit my lip, not wanting to give him the satisfaction. He studied me a little before continuing. «And I'm incredibly sorry that I left, I shouldn't have done that. I handled things awfully. I was exhausted, but that isn't an excuse because I know that you were exhausted, too. I couldn't think, I didn't think, I just had to sleep, try to get my head around it. I went to a hotel, took a few sleeping pills and slept until I checked out the next day. Then I went for some lunch because I was starving, and it gave me the chance to think for a bit. I didn't figure out much, just that I had been awful to you, and very unfair, the way I just dumped it all on you. I went out and bought some stupid flowers, and your favourite ice cream in case you weren't feeling too nauseous, and I went home to say sorry and to talk to you... And you'd gone.» His voice had been steady as he talked, but it cracked towards the end, giving away his sadness and guilt. I was surprised to find that what he had said had made me feel guilty too, I felt bad for not having given him a little more time to come around. I could only imagine how he had felt when he came home with his flowers and ice cream and the house had been empty. My house keys on the floor and no note. I knew had overreacted, just like he had, none of us had been thinking clearly. I still wasn't sure I was. I still felt angry for what he had said, for all the guilt and hurt he'd made me feel. «Emily, why did you just leave?» He asked, desperate to know the reason. His voice cracked again and his lower lip trembled as he added: «Were you never going to come back?»  
«I just... couldn't sit there and wait for you to come back and throw me out.» I spoke as quickly as I could to get it out before the tears took over. I said it because it was the truth, it was what I had been most afraid of. And I wanted to be completely honest with him.  
«Emily, I wouldn't have done that, I never would have...» His voice trailed off and he looked at me pleadingly, his eyes begging me to believe him. His arm twitched, as if he had been about to take my hand in his, but he stopped himself.  
«I don't know, James, you seemed so... angry, like it was all my fault, like you hated me for...» My voice trailed off as I searched for words. «I never expected you to be thrilled, god knows I wasn't. But I had hoped for some understanding and some support. You've always been that way, understanding and supportive and calm. The way you reacted, it... I was so hurt and disappointed. I'd been terrified of how you were going to react, and all I wanted for weeks was for you to hold me and comfort me. So I ran, too...» I shrugged apologetically. «I didn't know where to go, Elin was the only one I could run to, really, she would at least understand about being pregnant. I guess she was the one who called you?»  
«Yeah...» James admitted a little reluctantly. «She didn't want to, she felt bad about it, for going behind your back. But she felt she had to, she was worried about you and thought I ought to know you were here, what had happened.» At this I averted my eyes, feeling embarrassed about having landed myself in the hospital. James gave a long, sad sigh. I felt his eyes on me, looking at me searchingly, but I couldn't bring myself to look back at him.  
«I thought about coming back, about calling you or... I know Elin tried to make me call you, too. I thought about it all the time. But I was just... scared. Maybe you were relieved that I'd left and taken my _problem_ with me. Or maybe you didn't want to see me anymore because I had left...» I fiddled with the cover on my duvet as I spoke. This time James didn't stop himself, but took my hand in his to stop my nervous fiddling. I looked up and met his eyes.  
«Do you really think I'd let go of you just like that?» He asked. The question was so simple, so innocent, yet it was more than enough to make me realise that my fears had been stupid, absurd even. The way he had said it made it so perfectly clear that he hadn't though about letting me go at all, not even once. It made me feel sad, ashamed that I hadn't had more faith in him, in us. He'd had a bad reaction, granted, but I was the one who had run away and shut him out this time. I was the one who had let fear take control of me. «How could you think that I didn't want to see you again? When I came home I tried calling you, over and over... I sent you about a million e-mails, I called hospitals, Cathy, Kellie..»  
«I know, James, I know...» I said and squeezed his hand, willing him to stop talking. Hearing the desperate concern in James' voice made the guilt and regret swell painfully inside me. Silence fell between us again, and I found myself caressing James' hand with my thumb.  
«So how are you feeling?» James asked, desperate to keep the conversation going. When I met his eyes again they were mild and full of worry and empathy.  
«Like shit,» I grumbled and he laughed once through his nose. «I feel... weak. And tired. Blood transfusion did help perk me up a bit,» I conceded.  
«And then you went and spilled it all on the floor,» James pointed out and we both snorted. Our eyes met, and James' expression turned serious again.  
«Emily, what are you doing to yourself? Are you trying to hurt yourself? Or the baby..?» He looked scared, pale, absolutely sick with worry. Seeing him only made me feel more guilty. I felt bad for all the worry I had caused.  
«No, no, James, it isn't like that, I promise...» I shook my head, and I knew that I had just lost the battle with my tears, but I kept talking. «I just... The nausea has been giving me so much trouble, but I thought I was doing okay, that I managed to eat or at least drink enough. I didn't realise how badly I was doing. My body's signals are all mixed up, I'm not feeling like myself...»  
«Okay, okay,» James said soothingly, patting my hand, signalling that I didn't need to explain any more. He believed me. Now that the floodgates had opened I couldn't stop, pent up emotions crashed their way forward, willing themselves out; fear, longing, anxiety, guilt and sadness. I turned over on my side, curled up into a ball and cried. James inched his chair closer to the edge of the bed. I felt him running his hand over my hair and down my arm, then wrapped it around me as best he could from where he sat, stroking my back soothingly. There was great tenderness and care in everything he had done since he came to the hospital, like he wanted to show that he wasn't angry or upset, just worried and wanting to take care of me. This was what I had wanted from him when he came home from Africa. My James, calm and thoughtful, but always the worrier. «It's okay, Emily. It's okay...» When my sobs had died down I sniffed, sighed loudly and opened my eyes. James was resting his head on the mattress, looking straight at me with kind and worried eyes. «Hello,» he said mildly. His smile and his characteristic 'hello' caused me to smile a little crookedly back at him. Smiling even wider he tucked a few stray strands of hair behind my ear. He straightened up in his chair and his hand found mine again.  
«Listen, Emily... Thank you for not... Clawing my eyes out today, or throwing me out... You would have had every right to, the way I acted towards you and the things I said was... unforgivable, really.» He stared into his lap as he spoke, guilt and shame shining through him. «And thank you for listening to me, for talking to me, you didn't have to do that.»  
«I wouldn't have had the energy to claw your eyes out,» I retorted and laughed once, but turned serious when I saw the look on his face. «Oh, James... What I did wasn't exactly.. sensible or fair either. I guess we've both been a bit... inconsiderate and caught up in our own emotions.»  
«I don't blame you for leaving, really...» James said quietly.  
«But I'm sorry that I did,» I admitted. «.. I'm glad you came here.»  
«Yeah?» James asked, raising his eyebrows in cautious hope.  
«Yeah,» I said with a little smile. There was a soft knock on the door and the nurse from earlier entered.  
«I'm sorry to bother you, but it's time for some food. Want me to get something for you?» She asked kindly.  
«No, no, I'll go get something myself from the buffet,» I said. She nodded, turned on her heels and disappeared.  
«Feeding time,» I explained to James as I sighed and sat up a little. «They've been pretty strict with mealtimes. I've lost weight and the nausea and anemia will just get worse if I don't eat.»  
«Yes, you have to eat,» he pleaded, before admitting: «when I first saw you today you scared the hell out of me...»  
«I know, I look like death,» I sighed, then swung my legs out of bed and got up. Instantly my knees buckled under me and I was hit by a massive wave of vertigo. Thankfully James had quick reflexes and caught me before I thundered to the floor. With his arms wrapped around me he held me upright and manoeuvred me onto the edge of the bed. Still holding me in his arms he sat down next to me. «Whoa... got up too fast,» I breathed, blinking rapidly as I tried to regain some sense of balance. «Fucks sake, I hate feeling this weak and useless,» I sulked and leaned into James, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my head against his neck. I breathed deeply, taking in the familiar smell of him, feeling how his presence calmed me.  
«You're not useless. You're just not well,» James said in that calm, annoyingly reasonable tone that I just couldn't argue with. He hugged me tighter and kissed my forehead gently, obviously happy that I was seeking closeness and comfort in him. «Poor sweetie. Listen, I'll go get you some food, keep you company while you eat if you want to. Then I'll leave so you can get some rest, I think you need that. All right?» I nodded wordlessly but I didn't let go of him.  
«Just... sit with me for a bit first, OK?»  
«Okay.» James pulled me a little closer and rested his chin on the top of my head, holding me close and running his hand up and down my arm. I took a deep breath, feeling calmer than I had been for over a month, somehow feeling a little more like myself. After a long silence I loosened my grip on him a little and sat up straighter.  
«Food?» He asked simply, smiling kindly and caressing my cheek with his thumb. Part of me wanted to kiss him, but I wasn't sure if I could. Or if he would want me to. So I held back, deciding to wait. I told James what I wanted from the buffet and gave him directions on where to find it, then rested back down on the bed, thinking it was the best place to stay. I pressed the button for the nurse again, and guessing what I had called her for she entered with all the equipment for inserting a new peripheral cannula. She organised all the things she needed then sat down on the chair James had just inhabited. While working on my arm, finding a vein, she looked up at me meaningfully.  
«Everything okay?»  
«Yeah, I'm fine, he's just off getting some food for me. I'm a bit dizzy,» I explained and gave a weak smile.  
«That's the first time I've seen you smile properly since you came here,» she observed, and left it at that. The nurse was just re-hanging my drip when James entered with a tray full of food.  
«Did you empty the entire buffet?» I teased.  
«You're eating all of it, and that's that,» he said sternly as he set the tray down on my nightstand.  
«He's right, you know. Good man, I like him,» the nurse said in english, pointing at him and giving him a smile before exiting the room. James kept me company while I ate, flicking through the channels on the TV but giving up as he realised it was all in Norwegian. Having finished nearly all my food I pushed the tray away and slumped back against the pillow, yawning a little. James registered the yawn and turned off the TV.  
«Want me to bugger off and let you get some sleep?» He asked mildly.  
«Both yes and no,» I said with a tired smile. «I wish you could stay, but sleepovers are frowned upon here.»  
«They probably are,» he chuckled. «I'll see you tomorrow though? If you want to?»  
«Of course,» I smiled drowsily. «Is my sister picking you up?»  
«Yeah, I have to call her,» he said, obviously not having thought that far.  
«Stay here until she's here, then?» Part of me didn't want to let him go, and I didn't have the heart to kick him out until I knew Elin was here to pick him up. James quickly called my sister who agreed to pick him up. «Tell her later that I'm not mad at her, will you?» I asked when James had hung up.  
«She was worried that you would be,» James admitted.  
«I know,» I said simply. She was after all my sister. I stretched out an arm towards James. Hesitantly, as if he was afraid he would be overstepping some sort of boundary, he took my hand in his, interlacing our fingers. His thumb caressed my hand like he had a habit of doing. For a long moment we just looked at each other, just needing to see each other, be with each other without saying anything.  
«Go to sleep,» James said quietly, squeezing my hand a little. I closed my eyes, comforted by James' presence and his hand holding mine.


	51. Chapter 51

Hospitals never give you much quiet, and I was awoken at 7 by the normal routines; blood tests and the rounds of blood pressure and other vitals. Luckily I fell asleep again, calmed by having talked to James and cleared the air, at least a little. By noon I got a text message. 'Can't stop thinking about you. Home alone at your sisters. Can I come see you?' I texted him back, telling him he could come. Forty minutes later he walked into my room, dressed in a dark pair of jeans and my favourite, dark blue shirt. Together with his tan and his overlong hair it made him look gorgeous, and I felt that electric jolt in my stomach.  
«Hello,» he smiled, looking calm and happy.  
«Hey you,» I smiled drowsily, having just had a nap.  
«You look a bit better today?» He sat down and offered a hand, but left it up to me to take it. I snuck my hand into his and smiled weakly.  
«I feel a bit better.»  
«Sleep well?»  
«Yeah... well, as good as anyone can sleep in a hospital bed,» I sighed, shifting uncomfortably on the bed. «I've told you I hate hospitals.» James chuckled a little and squeezed my hand.  
«How's the nausea?»  
«It's a lot better, today I've barely felt it. I actually had breakfast for the first time in a month.»  
«That's good. I'm glad you're feeling better,» James smiled.  
«Yeah. My blood pressure was good this morning too, I'm not dehydrated any more and my blood levels are better. So I'm getting out of here today,» I smiled back. «I'm waiting for all the paperwork to be done, might be another few hours.»  
«You can come back to your sister's with me, then?» James said, smiling happily at me with twinkling eyes.  
«Yeah, I'd like that,» I smiled back, squeezing his hand again. James hadn't let it go since he'd arrived. «What's it like staying at Elin's, then?»  
«It's good, they're nice people. Your sister reminds me a lot of you. She actually lent me her car and let me drive here,» he added. I gave a surprised laugh.  
«She'd only trust you with that because you're on the biggest motoring show in the world. She barely lets me drive it! How are the kids treating you, by the way?»  
«Amalie is um... a little reserved. But Max, he likes things with wheels and engines so we get along just fine, we have mutual interests,» James said. I smiled a little as I had a mental image of Max who was always on the floor pushing his little fire trucks and cars around, and James playing with him. «They've asked for their auntie Emily, both of them,» James added. That was enough to make my eyes well up with tears again, I missed the kids and felt touched that they had asked for me.  
«Oh, Ems...» James sighed, squeezing my hand. He leaned in closer, looking at me intently. «Do you know what I think is going on with you? I think this pregnancy has taken such a toll on you because you're not able to make the decision to terminate it. Because I think that you, in your heart of hearts, want to have this baby.» I opened my mouth to respond, but James gave me a look which asked that I let him finish. «When baby Emily came into your life, she... changed something in you. You would never admit to it, and you tried to hide it, but letting her go damn nearly broke your heart. I think that protecting her, taking care of her, feeling needed and depended upon... It didn't scare you half as much as you thought it would. And now that you have the chance to experience that again, maybe you've realised that it's what you want.» At first I didn't find my voice. James' words had made my heart stop, I felt like he could see straight into my head and my heart and pinpoint exactly what I hadn't managed to put into words myself. Worst of all was that I knew he was right. I wanted to keep it. But I couldn't.  
«No, James, no...» I began, and once again my voice was constricted with tears, but I continued to talk through the sobs. «I don't want to keep this baby, I can't! I can't take care of a baby of my own, I don't want to, it's too hard. I don't want to be a single mum, I'd rather not have kids. A child deserves a mum and a dad who wants it and loves it and...» James squeezed my hand again and shushed me quietly, trying to stop my teary rambling. I took a slow, ragged breath, closing my eyes, trying to stop crying. James was quiet for a while, waiting for me to calm down.  
«Emily... Ever since I came back and found the house empty, I have been so many things with you,» James said, but not unkindly. «I've been a little angry, and incredibly frustrated, I've been sad and absolutely sick with worry. And I've been climbing the walls missing you. But despite being upset and wanting to talk to you I've had so many odd thoughts popping into my head. _Is it a boy or a girl? Will it take after Emily, or me? Who will it look like? What if the poor thing gets my laugh?_ » Despite myself I gave an involuntary, watery chuckle. And James continued. « _Would a carseat actually fit in the back of a Porsche? Maybe we'd have to get a big Volvo? Would we need a bigger house?_ » James paused and gave an audible sigh. «Emily, I don't want children, I’ve always been honest about that...»  
«I know that, James,» I said quietly, looking straight into James' eyes. Of course I knew that. And I wanted him to know that, because I didn't want to sit here and ask him for anything, least of all that he'd have a baby with me. I looked away from him again, sighing heavily. So this was where we were. I wanted to keep it, even though I wished I didn't want to. And James didn't want children. His hand squeezed mine again to draw my attention and I looked at him.  
«Emily, you don't have to do this alone. As much as I've said I don't want children... I want your child. Our child. If that's what you want, too.»  
«What...?» I said stupidly, blinking a few times. James' words washed over me, and I couldn't believe them. This changed everything. Ever since I had found out about my pregnancy I had thought about it on the basis that James wouldn't want to keep it, no matter what. And that if I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion, I would lose James over it. But now, everything was different. I was amazed that James had been wondering about the same things I had. He's said he wanted to have this baby if that was what I wanted. But what did I want? «Emily, say something.»  
«I... I don't know what to say. I need... to try and sort my head out, to think...» I said slowly, frowning a little. «Can I have some time?» I looked at James pleadingly.  
«Of course you can, sweetie,» James said, looking mildly exasperated over the fact that I even had to ask. He squeezed my hand reassuringly again.  
«Thanks...» I said, returning his gentle smile. I fell deep into thought a while, and James kept quiet and gave me time to think, fiddling with his phone. After a while I felt my head was just spinning around in circles and I gave up trying to figure anything out for now. With a sigh I sat up on the edge of the bed.  
«Don't get up, you'll fall over,» James reminded me dryly.  
«Yes, I know, thank you!» I said with a little chuckle. «I just need to sit, I feel like I've been lying down for months.» James put the phone down and studied me, worry still visible on him. Suddenly I felt guilty again, and selfish, everything had been about me lately. I reached for his hand and he gave me it. «So, how have you been lately?» James looked a little surprised at the question.  
«Oh, you know.. I'm useless without you,» he began quietly, giving a little shrug. «I haven't done much since I came back from Africa, just written a few articles. I had scheduled for a few weeks downtime anyway, knowing how rough filming these specials can be. Spent most of my time in the garage trying to fix things, really. Or breaking them, however you look at it. Mostly I've been thinking about you, missing you and... worrying. Feeling sorry for how I treated you.»  
«That shoot was a rough one, huh? You looked pretty knackered when you came home.»  
«It was! I was absolutely broken,» James admitted.  
«I probably picked the worst time to tell you something like what I told you that night... Maybe I should have told you on the phone after all,» I mused.  
«Maybe..» James agreed. «No point thinking about that now, anyway, whats done is done.» I nodded my agreement and sighed.  
«Ugh, I need to get out of here,» I complained and slumped back down on the bed. «Bored.» James chortled and shook his head a little at my childish ways.  
«Play with your iPad or something. We'll get out of here soon enough.» His paternal manner made me burst out laughing, but I dug my iPad out of my packed bag and wasted some time on it anyway. An hour later a nurse entered with all my discharge papers. As I sat on the edge of the bed she gave me some stern words about taking iron and folate supplements and about checking my hemoglobin levels and blood pressure. I nodded dutifully and promised that I'd take better care of myself from now on. I knew all the things she was lecturing me about, I just hadn't had a reason to do any of them. But maybe now I did. The nurse gave me a hug, wished me good luck and disappeared.  
«I'm free!» I announced and got up. James watched me nervously with his arms half outstretched, ready to catch me any second if my knees buckled again. «Relax, I can stand on my feet. As long as I take my time,» I reassured him and got my shoes on. James took my bag and we walked out of the hospital and to the car in silence. Being out of the hospital felt wonderful, just the smell of fresh air was great, but it was November 1st and bitterly cold. «Keys,» I commanded as we reached the car. He looked at me hesitantly, but cowered under my glare and fished the keys of out of his pocket.  
«You're just seizing the opportunity to drive your sister's car,» James smirked as he got in the passenger seat.  
«No. I know this city a lot better than you, you dinnum. I used to live here for a year!» I argued.  
«Really? I didn't know that,» James said as he buckled in and I started the car.  
«In another lifetime, I was 19. I really wanted to study development, you know.. humanitarian work, third world countries.. But I didn't get in. I was so hell bent on living down here because my sister was pregnant so I studied history for a year in stead. That's where I read the Jared Diamond books.»  
«Oh, right.»  
«Which is why I have an irrational, deep hatred of Phillip the Second of Spain.»  
«What?»  
«Long story,» I waved. «We had an assignment where we had to read three biographies on him and compare 'the authors view on Phillip the Second's foreign policies'...» James snored loudly to demonstrate his boredom. «See, even Captain Slows fall into a coma over that.»  
«I thought maybe I could take you out for dinner later?» James asked when he had finished laughing. «You need a proper meal. Lots of them, actually.»  
«That sounds lovely, I'd like that. Hospital food is... well, hospital food. There's a good steakhouse in town?»  
«Sounds good.»  
Returning to the house we were greeted by dead quiet. My sister was snoozing on the sofa and the kids and her husband were obviously out somewhere. I dropped my bag off, quickly changed clothes and left her a note saying where we went. Over dinner our conversation was a little awkward and slow. We made an effort to chat about normal, everyday things, but it wasn't easy. There were so many unresolved things between us, things we both needed and wanted to talk about, decisions to make. But this wasn't the place and we both knew that. When the conversation turned to James' trip to Africa things loosened up a little, I bombarded him with questions and he talked eagerly about what sounded like an exciting, exhausting and sometimes surreal adventure. For the first time in what felt like months I laughed, loudly and properly, it had been such a long time the sound felt alien in my own ears. Spending time with James again felt both familiar and strange, I still hadn't quite gotten my head around the fact that he was actually here. Part of me had truly believed that I would never see him again. Now I couldn't even remember why I had been so sure of that.


	52. Chapter 52

On our way back from the restaurant I realised I was exhausted. Even though I had been given blood and fluids at the hospital I still felt a little weak. Now that James was nearby I was more relaxed than I had been in weeks, and now I really felt how little energy I had. Opening the front door I was greeted by Max, steaming towards me at full speed with arms outstretched and a wide smile on his face. I caught him just as he was about to trip over his own feet, lifted him up and gave him a big hug.   
«Max, my man! Hows my favourite toddler?» I smiled. Max's short little arms clasped around my neck.   
«Em-lee!» He squealed.   
«At least someone is happy to see me,» I giggled and gave the boy a kiss on his cheek. I carried Max into the livingroom, James trailing behind me. Elin appeared from the kitchen with Amalie and both gave me hugs and welcomed me back, then they went back to their project of tidying up after dinner. With a groan I sank down into an armchair. Max sat in my lap for a little while, but he quickly got restless and crawled down from my lap and went back to his cars. Just as James sat down in the sofa his phone made a sound and he quickly looked at it, then sighed.  
«I have some e-mails I have to answer...» he said a little apologetically.   
«Sure, go on. I'm just going to sit here for a while and... be,» I smiled weakly. «I don't have much energy these days.» James dug out his laptop and began tapping away at his computer while I stared absent-mindedly at the TV, happy to just sit. After they had sorted out the kitchen, Elin took her daughter for a bath. A little while later Amalie came stomping determinedly into the living room in her pyjamas, carrying a book under her arm.   
«I said I wanted auntie to read to me!» She called defiantly back to her mum.   
«But Emily is probably very ti--» Elin shouted back, trying to be considerate.  
«It's all right, I'll read to her!» I said loudly. Amalie climbed into my lap with a smug expression. Mostly Amalie did the reading, she was after all eight now, I only helped her out with a few difficult words and explained to her if she didn't understand the meaning of a sentence. I looked at James over the edge of the book and caught him looking at us, seemingly deep in thought. After two long chapters I closed the book.  
«That's probably enough, it's getting really late,» I said mildly.   
«Aaw. Okay,» Amalie said a little sadly. «Auntie, why were you in the hospital? Isn't the hospital for sick people? You're not sick!» She said firmly.   
«No, I'm not sick, sweetie,» I said and shook my head with a little smile. For a moment I wondered what to tell her. «You know when girls have a baby in their tummy?»   
«Like mummy did with Max? Yeah!» She said, frowning a little.   
«And when she had you! You were in her tummy once, too!» I pointed out, and she made a face, obviously thinking it was a strange thought. «Well, I have a baby in my tummy, now. And sometimes when girls have babies in their tummies, it can make them feel a little sick. I was very nauseous and felt ill, so I wasn't eating enough. At the hospital they helped me with that,» I explained, hoping it was enough to make her understand. «I feel a lot better now.»  
«But...» Amalie began, looking confused. She pulled up my shirt to reveal my stomach. «But your tummy isn't big like mum's was!» She argued, poking it gently.   
«It isn't, not yet,» I answered, touching my own stomach. «That's because the baby is still really, really small. But the baby will grow, and as the baby gets bigger, so will my tummy, until I'm big as a house!» At this Amalie giggled loudly.  
«Is it a boy or a girl?» She asked.   
«I don't know yet.»  
«If its a girl, you can call her Hanna! Like Hanna Montana!» She said excitedly. Unable to help myself I broke out laughing.   
«We'll see about that, sweetheart,» I giggled. «Now go on, get to bed before your mum gets mad!» Amalie nodded, crawled out of my lap and took her book with her, happy with her explanation. I watched her go, still giggling at her naming suggestion. James was looking at me with a bemused expression, obviously having watched the entire conversation. I heaved myself out of the armchair and sat down next to James, needing to be a little closer.   
«What was all that about?» James asked curiously, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.  
«She wondered why I had been in the hospital. So I told her.»  
«Aah,» James said, understanding.   
«She wondered why my tummy wasn't big like Elin's had been when she had Max,» I explained, and James chortled a little. «And if it was a girl, she suggested Hanna Montana as a name.»  
«Can I veto that name right away?» James said with horror in his eyes, raising a finger.   
«You don't have to, it's already vetoed!» I laughed. Resting back against James' arm I yawned widely. «You know, I might have to be really boring and go to bed soon...» I admitted, looking up at James.   
«That's okay, you need your rest,» James said and squeezed me gently. He shifted a little in his seat, turning to face me. «Emily? Can I.. sleep next to you tonight?» He asked, looking awkward and shy.   
«Of course you can,» I said mildly. James smiled, looking relieved that I hadn't rejected him. «Where did you sleep last night?»  
«Pull-out sofa downstairs.»  
«Ouch. No wonder you want to sleep in my bed,» I teased. «I'll go get your duvet and things, take it upstairs,» I said as I got up.   
«All right. I'll be up in a bit, I have a little more work to do,» James sighed.   
«Take your time, I won't fall asleep just yet,» I smiled and ran a hand over his hair. I went to get the pillows and duvet that James had used and carried it upstairs to the double bed in the guest room where I had been staying. Now that both kids were in bed I knew I would find Elin in her office by her computer. I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to her properly since James arrived. When I entered she looked up and motioned for me to sit.  
«James is sleeping in my room tonight,» I said as I sat down. At this she raised her eyebrow a fraction.   
«Oh really? Have you two.. sorted everything out?»  
«Mmno, not everything,» I admitted. «I've missed him... We've missed each other. And we've told each other how sorry we are.»  
«You both acted like bloody idiots,» she snorted derisively. «And the baby?»  
«We... haven't quite decided, yet,» I said vaguely. «But its not totally out of the question, actually,» I added, unable to stop myself from smiling. Elin's jaw dropped.   
«No?»   
«I don't know yet,» I shrugged. «We'll have to talk more about it. Just... not today.»  
«All right, I see,» Elin said with an understanding smile. «You seem better, though. Happier, calmer. You need him, you know.»  
«I know,» I said simply. «Thank you for... everything. For taking me in. And for calling him. I never would have let you if you'd asked, but... You were right in doing it. Goodnight, Elin.»  
«Nite nite.»

Half an hour later the door to the guest room opened slowly and James peered inside. I was lying under the covers but I was wide awake, playing on my phone.  
«I'm beating Hammond at Wordfeud,» I said, holding out my phone as a way of explanation when James gave me a quizzical look.   
«That can't be difficult,» he scoffed as he closed the door behind him.   
«You coming to bed already?»  
«Yeah. If you don't mind?» He asked timidly.   
«Of course not, silly.» I shook my head a little and smiled. James seemed almost shy as he took off his jeans and his shirt and got into bed, coming to rest a little distance from me. Needing him closer I stretched out my arms toward him.  
«Come here?» I asked quietly. James crawled under my duvet and into my arms, wrapping his arm around me and burying his head against my neck and shoulder. He squeezed me tight and I hummed, happy to have him in my arms and close again. I ran my hand through his hair. James' shoulders shook a little and it took a moment before I realised that he was crying. «Oh, James, it's okay sweetie...» I whispered soothingly as I hugged him tighter. Seeing James cry broke my heart, just as it had the first time, and I hated knowing that I was the reason for it. Being able to just hold him and comfort him felt good in a way, god knows how many times I had cried on James' shoulder, and now I could return the favour for once. I ran my hand calmly over his hair and back, just being there for him, letting him cry. Exactly why he cried didn't really mattered, he needed an emotional release just as much as I had done. We'd both been scared, hurt and confused, and we both needed some comfort and reassurance. Eventually James wiped his face and pulled back a little to look at me, his eyes red and puffy.   
«I thought I'd lost you,» he said thickly, his eyes full of fear and sadness.  
«I think I lost myself there for a while...,» I answered. «But I'm here now. I'm sorry that I left, that I shut you out... I made everything so much harder than it had to be.»   
«I thought I'd never get to lay like this with you again,» James admitted. He looked at me searchingly, then he shook his head a little. «You're always making me chase after you,» he observed.   
«Well, when you insist on acting like a tosspot... Of course I have to make you work a little for it,» I said with a laugh, and James gave a watery chuckle. «How long can you stay here?»  
«I really should be getting back tomorrow,» he said apologetically. «There's some interviews, and some car reviews I have to do...»   
«That's okay... I understand,» I said with a sad smile.   
«Will you... come back with me?» James asked timidly, looking as if he was afraid of the answer.  
«I'd love to, but I think I have to go see my dad first, I haven't seen him or my brother for ages. Just a couple of days.» At this James just nodded. He ran a hand gently over my temple and cheek, his eyes glittering as he looked at me.   
«I really want to kiss you,» he admitted quietly.   
«Then why don't you?» I challenged, sensing how my heart immediately started to beat faster in my chest. James licked his lips and leaned in so close that our noses were touching, but he stopped there, looking into my eyes. I closed the final gap between us, trembling a little as my lips touched his. His kisses were nervous at first. I opened my mouth to him, kissing him lovingly, wanting to reassure him that I truly wanted him to kiss me. As his confidence grew he buried his fingers into my hair, holding me close as he kissed me deeper and I hummed into his mouth. Gently I ran my fingertips down his spine and he shuddered a little. «I just realised I haven't kissed you in over a month,» I said as I pulled back slightly.   
«We have some catching up to do, then,» James mumbled and pulled me in again, sucking a little at my bottom lip. I snuck a leg in between his and caressed his chest and neck. Our kisses quickly grew from considerate and loving to passionate and hurried. Having James' lips on mine again, his body against mine, his hands on me, it all felt exciting, safe and familiar. It felt like home. I was surprised to feel that glowing pit of arousal coming to life inside me – I wanted him, I wanted him to touch me and make love to me. James gave me a final, lingering kiss and pulled away. «I think we need to stop... Before I end up doing something very unseemly to you in your sisters house,» he blushed. I could feel his erection pressing against me. I smiled and nodded my agreement.  
«You're right, we probably should,» I said with a giggle. I turned around in James' arms so he was lying behind me, his chest against my back. Taking his hand I wrapped his arm tightly around me and sighed happily, feeling safe. After a long silence James cleared his throat.   
«If that was supposed to help, it really isn't,» he mumbled against the back of my neck. He hugged me tighter, pushing himself up against me and I could feel his erection against my bum, hard and warm. He kissed the back of my neck lazily, his tongue grazing over my skin.   
«Stop it,» I warned, but giggled despite myself and turned around in his arms again. I pushed him down on his back and rested my head on his shoulder, draping an arm and a leg over him. «I haven't been this relaxed in... oh, it feels like years,» I mumbled, already getting drowsy.   
«I know what you mean,» James said and kissed my forehead lightly.   
«James?»   
«Mm?»   
«We'll figure this out, right? We'll be okay?»  
«Of course we will,» James assured me. And with that, I drifted off to sleep.

 

A piercing cry tore me out of my deep sleep. Sensing James next to me I first thought I was in Hammersmith, and couldn't make sense of the noise. Then I remembered where I was, and recognised Max's cry. I crawled out of bed and stumbled through the hallway and into his room. The little boy was standing in his crib, crying almost hysterically. I scooped him up in my arms. He was trembling against me, his pajama clammy with sweat.  
«Hey you, what's going on, huh? Sssh, it's okay, love,» I whispered soothingly. Pacing back and forth in his room I held him tight, rocking him in my arms. He clung to me for dear life, still shaking even though his crying had settled somewhat. «Max, what's wrong? Does something hurt?» The little boy just shook his head, face buried against my shoulder. «Are you scared? Did you dream something bad?» At this question his crying intensified a little again, confirming my suspicion. I knew that I'd had horrible nightmares and night terrors growing up as a child. «It's okay, baby, you're safe now, I'm here.» I patted his back as I kept pacing around in his room. A shadow appeared in the doorway, Elin was looking at us bleary-eyed and disheveled. Max's face was still buried against my shoulder, so he hadn't noticed his mother. I waved at her, signalling that she could go back to bed and that I could take care of Max. She mouthed a 'thank you' and shuffled off again. Max's sobs slowly died down, but he was still clinging to me. «Think you'll be able to go back to sleep now?» I asked quietly, stopping in front of his crib. He looked at his bed, then up at me, then shook his head sadly. «Hmm. What if you got to sleep in my bed, then? Between me and James?» At this Max gave a non-committal shrug and flopped his head back down against my shoulder. «Lets try that, then. But then we have to bring the rabbit, right?» I picked up his little comfort blanket with the rabbit-head and long ears. He reacher for it and clutched it against his chest. When I returned to the guest room the light on the nightstand was on, James had obviously woken up by Max's crying. «Someone had a nightmare,» I explained in hushed tones as I climbed into bed, holding Max tightly against me. The little boy came to rest with his head on my arm, fiddling with his comforter while habitually sucking on one of the rabbit-ears. «It must've been a really bad one, he's still shaking.»  
«Aw, poor thing,» James mumbled huskily and ran his hand over the boy's back. At James' touch Max rolled over onto his back looked at James, blinking slowly as he started to relax a little.   
«See, James is here too. We'll both watch over you, nothing bad will happen now,» I explained in hushed tones. James, not being able to tell the boy what he wanted to, just smiled mildly at him. «Go on, close your eyes, try to sleep,» I whispered, pulling the duvet over both of us. Max sighed deeply and closed his eye, a rabbit-ear still in the corner of his mouth. Resting my head on the pillow I placed a hand on Max's stomach and caressed him lightly, knowing I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep until Max was. James smiled as he watched the two of us.   
«Lights out. Nite nite,» he said quietly and turned off the bedside lamp.


	53. Chapter 53

The next morning became an early and busy one. I decided spur of the moment to join James on his flight up to Oslo. From there I could go to my dad for a few days. Most of all I wanted to follow James home, but I knew my dad would've been very disappointed if he knew I'd been in Norway for over a week and hadn't visited him, I hadn't seen him since Christmas. I said my goodbyes to Amalie and Max before they headed off for school and daycare. Then I thanked my sister profusely for all the help she'd given me, knowing I really couldn't ever pay her back for taking me in and supporting me. I promised it wouldn't be ten months until next time she saw me, and that I would call her when we had figured out what we were going to do.

James held my hand as often as he could on our way from Kristiansand to Oslo, or put his arm around me. Even if he didn't say anything I could tell that he hated the thought of leaving me and going back to London on his own, he seemed restless and on edge. At the airport in Oslo we had to say our goodbyes, James needed to catch his connecting flight to London and I would be picked up by my dad. Standing in the hallway where we had to split up, James took my hand in his. He caressed my knuckles, but he stared down at his feet, saying nothing.  
«James... it's just for a few days,» I said calmly, squeezing his hand. It wasn't like James to be like this, all needy and clingy like he had been all day. But I knew why he was acting this way. The fact that I had left him had shocked him, shaken him to the core. He was still frightened, and was finding it difficult to let me out of his grasp now that he was back together with me.  
«I know, I know...» He nodded, eyes still at his feet. Then he looked up at me. «Please don't... disappear on me again? Please?» He pleaded. I took a step closer to him, cupping his cheek.  
«I promise, James, I won't disappear again. I'll call you every hour if you want?»  
«Not.. every hour. Just.. Keep in touch. Call me tonight?» He looked slightly embarrassed at himself, flinching a little as he asked.  
«Of course, sweetheart,» I smiled.  
«I better go,» he said, checking his watch.  
«Okay. Love you,» I said, mostly out of old habit, but that didn't mean that I meant it any less. James stopped in his tracks, raising his eyebrows at me in mild surprise. Then he broke out into a wide, loving smile and his eyes suddenly shone with a happiness I hadn't seen for a long time. It was like he let go of a little bit of his fear and sadness.  
«I love you too,» he said quietly, cupped my face with his hands and gave me a long, lingering kiss, completley disregarding that we were in a busy airport. «See you soon.» Then he walked away. 

The wind was whipping through the little street and it was drizzling sideways. I couldn't decide if it was the cold or nerves that made my arm shake as I pressed the buzzer. What if he wasn't home? I hadn't even considered that. Surrepticiously I scanned the street around me, wondering if anyone was watching. This would look a little strange if anyone saw me. Not hearing any noises from inside I rang the doorbell again, a little longer this time, then I hid my hands in the sleeves of my jacket, trying to warm them up as I was losing feeling in them. I breathed a sigh of relief when I finally heard footsteps from inside and the door swung open.  
«H-h-h-hello,» I squeaked, trying to smile but my face was frozen stiff.  
«Emily! But, what are you--» James began, looking confused, but his voice trailed off, obviously he was at a loss for words.  
«I c-c-c-couldn't stay longer with my d-d-dad, I m-m-missed you,» I stammered, squirming a little awkwardly. I had managed one night at my dad's, having a long talk with him, even telling him about my pregnancy and how we hadn't decided what to do yet. In the end it had been his suggestion to drive me back to the airport the next morning, so I could 'go back to my man and figure out a thing or two', as he had put it. I had taken him up on his offer, and now I was here. «Can I come home?» I asked, looking pleadingly up at James.  
«Look at you, you're shaking, get inside before you catch your death out there!» He ushered me inside the hallway, hoisted my suitcase inside and closed the door behind both of us. «And, that was the stupidest question I have ever heard,» he added in a sour mutter as he undid my jacket and took it off.  
«Fucking hell its miserable outside,» I swore, shaking violently.  
«Come on,» he ordered, tugging at my arm, his hand felt warm around mine. I quickly kicked off my shoes and followed him through to the living room. Snatching up a big fleece-blanket draped over the back of a chair he wrapped it tightly around me, then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. I was still shaking, frozen to the bone, and I welcomed James' attention and his taking care of me. He rubbed my arms and my back vigorously, trying to get some warmth back into me. «I'm going to make you a cup of tea, all right? Sit down, try to get warm,» he said, still rubbing my arms.  
«Can I have a kiss first?» I asked innocently.  
«That's the second most stupid question I've ever heard,» James smiled and leaned in for a kiss.  
«Bloody hell, you're cold,» he mumbled against my lips as his warm skin hit mine, it felt like he was on fire. «Sit.» He commanded, pointing at the sofa, then he disappeared into the kitchen. I sank down on it, cocooned in my big blanket. Looking around the living room nothing had changed. Of course it hadn't. It had been less than two weeks since I was here last, and it simultaneously felt like a second and a lifetime ago. I listened to how James flicked on the kettle and clattered around with mugs and spoons, smiling to myself. They were such everyday sounds, but at that moment they sounded amazing to me, familiar and safe. After a few minutes James returned with two cups of tea and handed me one. I accepted it gratefully and blew a little on it before taking a careful sip. James couldn't keep quiet for long. «Please don't tell me you took the tube here? Lugging that suitcase up and down stairs...» He asked. Smiling I shook my head a little.  
«No, I was a good girl and took a taxi. It was a cold taxi, though. And I'm anemic, I don't have much blood in me to keep me warm,» I added as a joke. James tilted his head and looked at me with sympathy.  
«I would've picked you up, you know. If I knew you were coming today,» he said, looking down at the floor.  
«I know you would have. But I wanted to surprise you,» I said, placing me teamug on the table.  
«Is everything okay with your dad?» James asked.  
«Oh, yeah, he's fine. It was nice to see him. We had a long talk.»  
«That's good. Good...» James repeated, nodding slowly. He was sitting a little away from me on the sofa, albows on his knees, looking at the floor again. Suddenly I felt like there was some distance between us, not just physically but emotionally as well. He seemed tense and insecure, and I couldn't bear it.  
«James?» I said mildly. He raised his eyes and looked at me. Needing to close the gap I inched right up to him on the sofa, leaning against him and resting my head on his shoulders. James seemed a little surprised, but he rested back against the sofa and wrapped an arm around my shoulder anyway, holding me tight. «I'm sorry if I'm being clingy, I just... need you, need to be close to you. I've missed you soo much. And I need to warm up,» I added.  
«That's okay, sweetie. I've missed you too. I don't mind holding you, I could do that forever,» James answered. «I just didn't know if you wanted me to,» he added a little sadly, squeezing me a little and placing a kiss at the top of my head. I gave a contented sigh and rested against him, feeling how life and warmth slowly trickled back into my body. Both of us kept quiet for a long time, just enjoying being together again, being close. After a while James cleared his throat. «How are you feeling today?»  
«I'm... okay. Better than I have been for the past month, really. The nausea seems to be waning, I must be over the worst bit. Still feel like I have no energy... Guess I have a lot of eating to catch up on,» I shrugged.  
«You do, you've gotten skinny,» James pointed out. «Have you really been nauseous like that every morning since the day I left?»  
«Yeah, pretty much... That first day I really thought it was just a tummy bug. On the fourth morning I couldn't ignore my suspicions any more, so I got all these home tests. And they all said the same thing, so I went to see Kellie, and she did a proper lab-test... She gave me a sick-leave because I just couldn't deal with day-shifts, I was pretty much incapacitated until noon every day. And working with babies was just.. torture in the state I was in.»  
«Was she the only one you talked to about it?» James asked.  
«Yeah...» I nodded. «I just... I didn't want to talk to anyone about it but you. This was something just between the two of us and I didn't want to involve anyone else. I'd feel like I betrayed your trust or something if I did that,» I explained.  
«I can't imagine what that was like, though... Must've been hard, carrying that around on your own and have no one to talk to about it. And being sick on top of everything,» James said kindly, his voice full of empathy. This was the understanding, kind James that I knew, and that I had missed so much. Still resting my head against his shoulder I fiddled with a button on his shirt, thinking back to the mental and emotional chaos I had felt while waiting for James to come home. Just the thought of it made me feel anxious and sad.  
«Yeah, it was... horrible. I was either nauseous, or I slept or I cried. I was panicking, wondering what it would do to you and me, terrified that this would just tear us apart and ruin everything. And it nearly bloody well did. We were in such a good place, I loved how you and I were, our relationship was just.. perfect and then this happened and I was so... sad about it.» My voice grew more and more constricted as I spoke, tears welling up in my eyes, but I needed to tell James this, all of it, get it off my chest. «I felt so... trapped, I was desperate. And I had all these horrible thoughts, I was walking around hoping for a miscarriage. I thought about throwing myself down the stairs, or going on a massive alcohol binge, or going out to run five miles... Anything that might... It sounds crazy, I know, but I was just so... trapped...» I was crying for real now, reliving the despair I had felt. James hugged me tighter and kissed my temple.  
«Oh, honey... I so sorry you had to go through all that on your own. The way I reacted when I came home... I've always been sorry about that, but even more so now. I wish you'd talked to somebody about it, I would have understood that you needed to.»  
«I know, I probably should have, I just... wasn't thinking very clearly.»  
«I guess none of us were,» James conceded with a sad sigh. Another long silence fell between us, punctuated by a few sniffs from me. It felt good to have told him, to have been honest about what it had been like, and all the awful thoughts I'd had. It felt even better to be held by James, be comforted by him and to have his support and understanding. James' hand caressed my arm and every now and then he gave me a kiss on the forehead, each and every one was meant that show he was sorry.  
«James? Did you mean it when you said you wanted to have this baby?» I asked, unable to hold in a question that was burning in me.  
«Of course I did. I'm not going to say something like that and just... change my mind about it,» James said seriously, pulling back a little to look at me.  
«But.. you didn't just say that because you thought that was what I wanted to hear? Because you thought that was the only way you could save this relationship or... because you wanted to make me happy?»  
«Emily, I would do just about anything in the world to make you happy. But saying yes to having a child isn't one of those things,» James said resolutely. «That wouldn't be very fair on you, or the baby.»  
«But what made you change your mind? You've always said you didn't want kids,» I persisted. James didn't reply at first, but was deep in thought.  
«This past week... gave me a lot of time to think, I've thought about you constantly, and about this baby. That night I came home, you called it 'my child', and that was what completely freaked me out. Suddenly it wasn't just 'a pregnancy', it was my child.» He looked at me intently, his blue eyes begging for me to understand. And I did, I did understand him, because I had experienced the same feelings, the same fear and amazement. «I've always said I didn't want children because I never thought I'd be in a position to have any. First I was too young, too unestablished, then I was too busy. I've never really met anyone I could see myself having children with, either. And I thought I never would, that I was just destined not to have kids. Until I met you. I don't know, seeing you with baby Emily, or with Max or Amalie, it just... does something to me, I'm not sure I even can explain it. I just feel like I want that, I want us to have that. I want you to have the experience of being a mum. If that's what you want, too.» A silence fell between us as we just looked into each other's eyes, having a wordless conversation in which we both knew we'd reached a decision.  
«So... Are we saying we're having a baby?» I asked timidly, needing to voice it.  
«I think we are...?» James said, nodding slowly and raising his eyebrows a little in surprise. Another stunned silence fell as we both let it sink in. We were having a baby.  
«James..? Are you as scared as I am?»  
«Terrified. Absolutely petrified,» James admitted quickly, looking relieved to hear me admit it too. We both let out a liberating laugh. I threw my arms around James and hugged him tight, laughing and crying at the same time. James peppered kisses across my face until his lips found mine, and he cupped my face with his hands and caressed my cheeks while he kissed me deeply. When we broke apart his hands were still on my face. «Are you laughing or crying?» James asked, laughing himself.  
«I don't know,» I giggled and quickly wiped my face with the back of my hand. «In any case, they're happy tears. Happy, relieved, surprised tears.»  
«I love you,» James said and kissed me again.  
«I love you more,» I giggled, then rested back against James' shoulder. Another long silence fell as we both tried to let it sink in. My mind was reeling. Were we really doing this?

«Have you eaten anything? You hungry?» James asked after a while, obviously keen on taking care of me and seeing to it that I ate enough.  
«Yes, I am hungry, actually, when you mention it. Haven't eaten since the airport in Oslo. Ugh, and I need a shower, I always feel like I need one after being confined inside a metal tube with a bunch of people.»  
«I'll order in some food, and you'll have a shower, then, is that the plan?» He suggested, and I nodded.   
«I'm gagging for Chinese food, I haven't had any for decades!» I complained.   
«Chinese it is,» James smiled, not even bothering to ask what I was having. He already knew. I got out of the sofa to go upstairs while James headed into the kitchen to rummage through the drawer of take-out menus. My suitcase was still at the door and I grabbed it, intending on taking it upstairs.   
«Emily! Don't..!» James exclaimed, having spottted me from the kitchen. Making his way over to me he resolutely took the suitcase out of my hand. «This weighs a tonne. Let me do that?»  
«Aw. Are you concerned your pregnant woman is doing too much heavy lifting?» I teased.   
«Yes,» he said simply, blinking a little awkwardly.  
«Thank you, love. You take good care of me,» I smiled, giving him a peck on the cheek.


	54. Chapter 54

Returning downstairs from my shower I found James in the kitchen, reading something on his iPad.   
«Food'll be here in ten minutes.»   
«Great, I'm famished,» I smiled. James put the tab down and went to the fridge.   
«Beer?» I heard him say. The lack of a reply made him turn around to look at me.   
«Pregnant, James!» I reminded him, rolling my eyes as I gestured to my own tummy. His eyes widened a little in horror.  
«Oh, damn. Right! Sorry!» He said apologetically.   
«That's okay. Seems I'll be the designated driver for the foreseeable future,» I shrugged, having already come to terms with that fact.   
«Maybe I shouldn't have any either, then.» James eyed the bottle of beer in his hand.   
«Oh come on, that's ridiculous! Just because I have to suffer, that doesn't mean you need to as well!» I scoffed.   
«You sure?» He asked again, and I just nodded. When food arrived we got through it quickly. While I ate I realised that this was the first time I had felt anything near to normal for a month, almost like myself again instead of 'Emily, pregnant and hysterical'. I understood that even though I was pregnant, I was still me, I could still feel normal and be normal. We chatted a little about this and that while eating, and I enjoyed just being with James again, having good food and a conversation with the man I loved. Having finished dinner we slumped back on the sofa and relaxed. James turned on the telly but we didn't really watch it, it was just background noise while we talked. After a long pause in the conversation James cleared his throat a little.  
«Okay, so... I feel bad for not knowing this... How long have you been...? When are you supposed to..?» James stammered, gesturing vaguely to my stomach while looking utterly lost. His bewildered, awkward expression made me laugh a little.  
«Well, I'm...» I began, but stopped abruptly when I realised I couldn't answer him. «Um...Hang on.» I fished my phone out of my pocket, finding the calendar.  
«You don't know either?» He asked, sounding incredulous.   
«Yes, I know! I just.. haven't kept count!» I said defensively. «Besides, it isn't really precise, pregnancies are calculated from the first day of the last period, and I can't... remember when that was...» I mumbled a little ashamedly. James pulled a digusted face, thoroughly disliking the subject of periods. «Anyway, I had a guess at 6th of August. According to Kellie, that means the date of conception was around August 20th, which was while we were on Bali.»   
«Really?» James' eyes widened with realisation, but after a while he nodded. «From what I can remember, that seems... plausible.»   
«That's what I said, too!» I laughed. «Anyway. That means that today, I am 12 weeks and four days along.»  
«That's second trimester already,» James mumbled, mostly to himself. My head snapped around to look at him, my eyebrows raised in surprised.   
«How in Gods name do you know that?»  
«I've had to live thorugh several of my sisters pregnancies! And Mindy's, and Francie's... I learned a thing or two. Plus, I did actually work at a hospital too, once, very briefly. I even attended a birth!» He defended himself.   
«.. Which, worryingly, makes you a lot more experienced in this field than I am!» I pointed out.   
«Okay, August 6th... That means your due date is..» James lips moved as he counted quietly. «May 14th.»  
«May 14th,» I said at the same time, having counted my way through the calendar and reached the same conclusion.  
«May?» James repeated, raising an eyebrow.  
«Which will greatly increase the chance of you remembering the kid's birthday, I'm sure!» I added with a laugh, and James chortled.  
«12 weeks?» James repeated. «When will it... you know, start showing?» He asked timidly, casting a sidelong glance at my tummy.   
«I don't know, I don't think it's showing yet. It's very individual, it seems,» I shrugged, placing my palms on my stomach for a moment to gauge it. «God, I'm going to have to buy you a book or two about all of this! Hang on, I do have a book, actually, my sister gave me me one of hers.» I crawled out of the sofa, found my backpack and rummaged around in it. Sinking back down into the sofa James slipped his arm around my shoulder again, sharing my need for closeness. I rifled through it and found the page for week 12, reading through it quickly. «By now it weighs a little over 2 ounces, and is about 3-4 inches long. The risk of miscarriages lessen significantly. The foetus now looks like a mini-human and on an ultrasound there can be seen a lot of activity. The brain has developed into two halves, arms and legs are fully formed with fingers and toes clearly visible. The heart is beating with 4 chambers and a face can be seen.» As I had finished reading I looked up at James.   
«I.. wow, I'm... That's amazing,» James mumbled, an odd expression on his face. I thought I could see the hint of his bottom lip trembling, and I knew that what he had just heard had touched him, stirred somethiing inside him. Deciding this wasn't the time to tease James for being emotional I just smiled gently at him.   
«I know, it is pretty incredible. It's basically... all finished, in there, it just needs to grow.» Another silence fell as we both thought about the baby growing inside me.   
«Emily, I... I'm going to need a little time to get used to this. Before we start telling people. I need a while to get my head around things.» James spoke tentatively, worried that what he was asking was going to upset me somehow.   
«I think we both need that, James,» I said mildly. «I'm not ready to tell people just yet, either. I want this to just be about us for a while, you and me and this baby. At least for as long as I can hide it.» James smiled at me, looking relieved. Putting the book away I wrapped an arm around James and sank into him, resting my head against his shoulder. He kissed my forehead gently, taking a deep, slow breath. It sounded like it was the first breath he had drawn for days.   
«Sarah knows,» he said simply.   
«Your sister?»  
«Mm. When I came home and the house was empty, I... Completely fell apart. She was the only one I could imagine talking to, she's a woman and smart and... well, she's my sister and she knows me.»  
«I'm glad you had someone to talk to, that you weren't here alone.»  
«Yeah, I appreciated her help. Not that I got much help or sympathy, really,» he said, shaking his head and even chuckling a little. «She just called me a complete arse. And she thought it was no wonder you left, considering how I'd handled things.»  
«Oofh. Tough love.»  
«I guess I really didn't deserve much sympathy, though.»  
«Well, the first thing my sister told me was that I looked like shit,» I mumbled bitterly, and James chortled.   
«How long is your sick leave?»  
«Another week. Tomorrow I'll have to call Kellie, she said she would refer me to a good obstetrician. I'll have to get an appointment for an ultrasound. I guess I'll have to get my blood levels and things checked out too, keep an eye on things. And I should go talk to my boss, tell her what is going on.»  
«Mm, please do that, I don't want you back in hospital,» James said, squeezing me a little.   
«Hopefully it won't come to that again. The nausea is almost gone. As long as I can eat and drink I should be fine. I'll need to get some supplement pills, though, iron and folate...»  
«That's good, that you're feeling better. I'll help take care of you as much as I can,» James mumbled into my hair.   
«James... I hate that I caused you to fall apart, I'm sorry....» I said sadly, squeezing him tighter.   
«You don't have to say sorry about that, I brought that on myself, by reacting the way I did. If I had kept my head and acted like an adult, maybe you wouldn't have left.»  
«I'm still sorry,» I persisted, looking up at him.  
«I'm sorry too, sweetheart. For everything. God, I've missed you,» he sighed heavily. I leaned up to kiss his cheek, and his mouth blindly found mine. His kiss was deep and slow, and he showed no signs of stopping any time soon. Wrapping my arms around him I held him closer, kissing him back with the same tenderness and love I felt emanating from him. A wave of all the emotions James' kisses had always stirred in me, came rushing through me. How in love I was with him, how overjoyed I was that he was mine, how his kisses had always made my stomach swoop and my heart beat faster.  
«I love the way you kiss,» I mumbled against his lips, before pulling away to look into his eyes.   
«I love the way you kiss too,» James said quietly. «The way you always tangle your fingers into my hair and hold me close, like you can't have me close enough. And how you sometimes suck a little on my bottom lip». I smirked, leaning into him again, tangling my fingers into his hair and kissing him deeply, sucking on his bottom lip.   
«I can't ever have you close enough,» I whispered, kissing him again. When I let go of him I got out of the sofa, wordlessly reaching out a hand toward him.  
«Where are we going?» He asked, looking at me with eyebrows slightly raised. When I didn't answer he took my hand nonetheless and followed me as I pulled him out of the sofa and headed upstairs. When I reached our bedroom I tugged him in the direction of the bed and slowly started taking off his shirt.  
«I just... want to lie next to you, feel your skin again,» I said quietly, focusing on the buttons on his shirt. Following my lead James began taking off my clothes as well until we stood there in our underwear. James laid down, pulling me after him but I held back. Standing by the bed I undid my bra and tossed it to the side, then slid my panties down past my hips and let them fall to the floor. James was watching me, transfixed as I got naked and crawled into bed.  
«They were coming off anyway, eventually,» I smirked as I inched up to him.  
«Were they?» He asked innocently as his arms recieved me.   
«I was hoping so...» I whispered with a naughty grin before nibbling at his bottom lip. «I've missed being close to you. I've missed being held and kissed and... feeling loved.»  
«I've missed all of that too,» James sighed, running his hand through my hair and over my cheek. «You know, what I said in the hospital was absolutely true – I really am useless without you. Every time I'm away from you just confirms that. I'm still not used to being so dependent on anybody or needing someone as much as I need you. But I will just have to accept that I do.»  
«If you could, would you want to change that?»  
«No. I don't want to, and I can't. I wouldn't be able to, I wouldn't know how. I can't ever imagine myself not needing you. I've just been... a loner for a long time, probably for longer than you've even lived. It takes some getting used to. Something is just... missing when I'm not around you, like I'm missing a part of myself.»  
«For what it's worth, I need you just as much, James. If you hadn't come for me, if we hadn't managed to fix this... Honestly I'm not sure what I would have done. No matter what happens, baby or no baby, I will always need you and love you.» At this James smiled happily and took my lips in a kiss. Still kissing me he pushed me gently over on my back and came to rest on top of me. Suddenly he stopped and pulled away a little, taking his weight off me by supporting himself on his arms.   
«Is this okay, me lying on top of you? It can't hurt the baby, can it?» He asked hurriedly, looking worried. Unable to stop myself I let out a little laugh, but wrapped my arms around his neck and shook my head kindly.  
«No, honey, it can't hurt the baby. You lying on top of me might be a bit difficult eventually. You know, when I'm the size of a hippo... It'll be like climbing Mount Everest,» I mused, and James laughed. «And before you ask; no, sex can't hurt it, either, for your information,» I added.   
«I really need to get a book...» James said, looking a little lost and sad.   
«I'll find you one,» I said comfortingly. «I guess there are a lot of new things we have to get used to and figure out, but that goes for the both of us.»   
«Mm, I guess. But this...» James began as he rested back down against me, nuzzling my neck and shoulder. «This I know, this is familiar. This I've figured out.» He hummed happily while his hands travelled down my sides, grazing over my skin. «I've missed your body», he said, kissing my skin lazily.   
«You better enjoy it while it's still in this shape, it won't be in a month or two,» I said with a giggle.   
«I'll love your body even when you can't see your own feet anymore,» he mumbled from between my breasts.  
«I'll remember you said that!» I shook with laughter, unable to take offense at his remark. Laughing with James again, being close and intimate with him, it all felt liberating. The fact that we had come to a decision was equally liberating, there were no uncertainties lying between us anymore, no conflicts or insecurities. Lots of fears and concerns, sure, but those were fears that we both shared and would face together, which instantly made them a lot less worrisome. I didn't doubt our decision, all of me wanted to keep this baby. But the prospect of it still scared me, and it still seemed surreal that we had decided to keep it. James slid even further down my bed, nuzzling and kissing his way down towards my bellybutton. Pulling back a little he studied my tummy intently, running his palm over it.  
«Are you certain there is a baby in there?» He asked, sounding bemused. «It doesn't look much different, really.»  
«Yes, I am completely and totally sure, because that baby has made my life absolutley miserable for the past month!» I said with an exasperated laugh. «But no, I don't think it shows. Yet.» I watched as James kept running his palm over my skin, as if he was hunting out any subtle differences. «Did you know the baby can already respond to touch? It can feel when you do that, when you run your hands over my tummy like that.»  
«Really?» James stopped in his tracks, looking surprised and a little scared. It was almost as if I could see the emotional cogs whirring in his head. Then he started caressing me again, before leaning down to kiss me right above my bellybutton. He was so tender and gentle in everything he did, and I smiled to myself as I watched him, running a hand through his hair. Was he already bonding with this child growing inside me? And had I already done the same? I was distracted from my own thoughts when James' mouth slid over my skin, kissing and nuzzling that sensitive place where your hip, thigh and torso meet, where your skin feels paper thin. He slid a little further down the bed, running his hands down my hips and up the inside of my thighs, featherlight and teasing. The calm, tender feelings inside me were pushed aside for excitement and arousal as I felt James' tongue on my skin, tickling me. I squirmed a little beneath his tongue, sighing with a mix of frustration and happiness. Misinterpreting my sigh he raised his head a little to look up at me. «Want me to stop?»   
«God, no.» I shook my head quickly and gave him an encouraging smile, running my fingers through his hair. He returned my smile and lowered his head again, kissing my skin a little harder now, spurred on by my response. Running my hands over his hair and his shoulders I sighed again. «I've missed this so much. I've missed your mouth on me, your tongue, your hair tickling me when you kiss my body...» James hummed in response, resting comfortably between my legs, his mouth hovering inches from my labia.   
«I want you,» he whispered hoarsely, voicing his lust and impatience.  
«I want you too,» I breathed back. When James mouth met my pussy the breath hitched in my throat, not having been touched in any way for weeks and weeks had almost made me forget entirely how it felt. It was intense, almost unbearable in its delightfulness. James kissed my labia, then gently separated me with two fingers and kissed my clit, before flicking a tongue lightly over it. He went slow, like he was learning me again, exploring, chasing gasps and moans from me. It didn't take long until he got them, everything he did seemed to be exactly right and my body was completely on edge. Much earlier than I ever would have thought, and so fast that I couldn't even warn James about it, I felt the orgasm rise within me and I let go of his hair to clutch the sheets in stead as I twitched beneath him. As the pleasure receeded I felt how James gave my clit a last kiss, then his mouth disappeared.   
«Emily? Did you just come?» He asked incredulously, a little out of breath.   
«A little...» I squeaked, then I clapped my hands over my face, feeling how it was growing hot from embarrassment. James inched his way up the bed and gently forced my hands away from my face.  
«It wasn't a bad thing!» He said while he laughed good-heartedly. «It was just... quick.»   
«I know!»» I said, giggling now despite still feeling flustered. «It's just... been a while, I guess. And you're very good at that. Thank you.» I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kissed him lovingly, tasting myself on his lips.   
«You're very welcome,» James mumbled against my lips, returning my kiss. His erection was pressing against my thigh, hard and warm. I still wanted him, the orgasm hadn't made my desire for him any less. But it seemed that James thought so. I slid my hands down his back and over his arse and hips.   
«I still want you,» I whispered against his lips, squeezing his arse a little. James raised his head an inch away from mine to look at me.   
«Yeah?» He asked back in the same, low voice.  
«Mmm, I want more,» I persisted. The way James looked at me, it was almost as if he thought I was just saying this just to please him.   
«Are you sure?» Feeling the need to convince him properly I pushed him over on his back with an exasperated huff and straddled him. Standing on all fours over him I shot him a stern look.  
«Yes,» I said, leaning down to nibble at his lips. «I'm not finished yet. And neither are you.»   
«All right...» James said obediently, nodding a little, before breaking out into a pleased little smile. Leaning down over him I began kissing down the side of his neck while I ran my palm over his arm, shoulder and chest. James hummed with pleasure as my mouth and hands made their way down his body. Finding a nipple I grazed my mouth over it, feeling how it stiffened against my lips, I knew he liked it despite him claiming that it 'just tickled'. I sucked on it, clamping it between my lips and tugging a little at it before letting go, but only to continue my journey across his body. I needed to feel him with every inch of my own skin, with my hands, my mouth and my own body. I was desperate to feel connected to him again, to show him my love and my want for him. Reaching his boxers I sat up between his legs and determinedly began tugging them off. Once they were off I twirled them around on my finger before tossing them carelessly over a shoulder, feeling playful. James giggled as he watched me with glittering, fascinated eyes and flushing cheeks. Being separated from his warmth made me feel chilly and I inched my way up the bed again, resting down against his body. James wrapped his arms around my lower back, holding me close, smiling as he looked at me. I felt how my breasts were pressed against his chest and how his erection was trapped between our bodies. Looking into his eyes I pressed my hips down against him, grinding gently, James closed his eyes and moaned quietly as he felt the friction. His hands slid down from my back, he took my bum in a firm hold and pressed himself up against me, eyes still closed.   
«I love you so much...» I sighed. This made him open his eyes to look at me.   
«I love you more...» He whispered against my mouth before taking my lips in a long, lingering kiss. Preoccupied by what he was doing with his mouth, he barely noticed that I raised my hips a little and let him slide inside me. This made him groan into my mouth: «Fuck...» I exhaled heavily, relieved to finally feel him inside me, to feel close and connected to him again. As I began rocking my hips I hummed and winced before attacking his mouth, kissing him desperately. James had one hand clamped on my neck, keeping my lips against his. The other arm was wrapped around my lower back as I thrust down on him. It had barely been a month since the last time we slept together, but it felt like decades of longing had passed between us.   
«Oh god-- good!» I winced, barely able to kiss him any longer through my huffs and moans.   
«You're so bloody good at that,» James growled softly as I rode him, taking my bum in a firm hold again, kneading my flesh with flat palms, then squeezing again. His strong hands pressed me down against himself, increasing the friction between us, heightening the pleasure even more. I loved feeling his firm hands on me like that. Quite unexpectedly I felt another orgasm rise in me, and almost panicking I froze, remaining still against him. James threw his eyes open at the abrupt change in pace, distracted. «Hey, what's going on?» he asked, a little out of breath but his voice was mild. I squirmed awkwardly, feeling embarrassed again, wondering privately what the hell was going on.   
«Well I... I....» I mumbled almost inaudibly, but words failed me and I hid my blushing face in the crook of his neck.   
«Emily. You were coming again, weren't you?» He whispered teasingly, then nibbled at my earlobe while running his fingertips lightly over my lower back.  
«Maybe...» I mumbled, still hiding. Strong arms wrapped around me and he turned me over on my back, much more gently than he usually did. I winced as he slipped inside me again, achingly slowly. Supporting himself on one arm he cupped my face with the other one, brushing his thumb over my cheek.   
«Then why didn't you just... come?» James asked quietly as he pulled almost completely out of me. Just as I was about to answer he thrust into me and I winced, my breath hitching in my throat.   
«I didn't think it'd happen so quickly... again...» I admitted, blushing as I forced myself to look into James' eyes while I fiddled with the hair at the nape of his neck.   
«You know...» he began quietly, leaning down to give my lips a light kiss before pulling back to look at me. His eyes glittered with mischief as he talked again. «This whole pregnant-sex thing might turn out to be really fun.» My giggles washed away my embarrassment, and I felt myself relax again. Slowly he began rocking his hips against me, and he continued to speak inbetween kisses as his mouth travelled over my cheek and neck. «Imagine... all the fun I can have... if I can make you come this easily...» He mumbled. The heat and pleasure I had felt before I had stopped came rushing back quickly as James began moving his hips, thrusting determinedly in and out of me, his goal was make me have the climax I had interrupted earlier. Clinging tightly to James I dug my fingertips into his shoulderblades as I huffed and groaned against his shoulder. I wrapped one leg around his hip, rocking my hips to meet his, anything to be closer, to feel more of him. The pleasure was already unbereable, a searing heat that I was sure would make me explode when it was finally released. Moaning his name loudly I buried my face against his shoulder, biting him as I tried to silence myself, worried the whole street would hear me. Primal moans and grunts came from James as well, I could tell he was getting closer too. Fumbling blindly his arm reached up to find the headboard of the bed. Grabbing hold of it he used it for more friction, taking out his pent-up frustration and lust, chasing his own orgasm now as much as he was chasing mine.   
«So close..!» I gasped, clawing down his back and digging my fingers into his arse in stead. Before I even managed to draw another breath the orgasm slammed through me, knocking the wind out of me. Spastically I grinded up against him as the orgasm surged through me, completely taking over my body and mind. Finally managing to take a breath I let out a long, strained moan of pleasure. Through my haze I registered vaguely that my orgasm had pushed James over into his. For a long time I heard nothing but the sound of my blood rushing through my ears, my heart beating madly in my chest and our heavy panting as we tried to catch our breaths. When James had gathered his strength a little he kissed the side of my neck lazily. Leaning on wobbly arms he raised his head off my shoulders to look at me, smiling serenly.   
«I love you.»  
«I love you more,» I echoed, pulling him in for a long, lingering kiss. Taking his weight off me he laid down next to me, and I held out an arm so he could rest his head on my shoulder. I wrapped the arm around his back, caressing his spine lightly. He draped and arm and a leg over me, resting comfortably against me. After a long silence he cleared his throat.   
«Are you sure sex can't hurt?» He asked quietly, sounding half incredulous, half worried.  
«Yes, sweetheart, I'm sure,» I said and gave his sweaty forehead a kiss. «Apparently the uterus has really strong muscles, it protects the baby. They think intimacy and sex can even help trigger labour, because it releases oxytocin.» There was another long silence.  
«Wonder what your orgasms feel like to the baby,» he mused, more thinking out loud than really asking.   
«I read somewhere that they think it feels like a gentle massage, actually,» I said with a giggle.   
«I really need a book,» James repeated for the third time that night, sounding resigned. I squeezed James closer and kissed his face a few times. «Does sex feel different now?» He asked curiously, raising his head a little to look up at me.   
«I think so. I've never had orgasms this easily, thats for sure! Everything seems to be more... sensitive, especially my boobs,» I admitted. At this James' hand slid up to a breast, grazing it lightly and slowly with it fingertips, slipping a thumb over a nipple that quickly grew hard under his touch. Despite myself I bit my lip and closed my eyes for a moment. «Careful...» I warned and James chuckled, amused by how sensitive I was, how easy I was to excite. «Maybe I'm just this sensitive because it's been a long time. And because I've missed you so much, missed this part of our life just as much as I've missed every other part of it. But I know there are alot of physiological things going on in a pregnant body that can benefit arousal and sex, increased blood flow to certain areas, higher levels of hormones...»  
«I love it when you talk physiology,» James said as he flicked his thumb over my nipple again, trying to keep a straight face, but failing miserably we both broke out giggling. Getting cold I pulled the duvet over both of us. I fell asleep with the feeling of James' breath against my neck, and his palm softly caressing my tummy.


	55. Chapter 55

The next morning I called Kellie and told her about everything, our decision and all the problems I'd had so far relating to my pregnancy. She was delighted to hear about our decision, and promised to call an obstetrician she knew right away so I could get a check-up. I had barely hung up when my phone rang. It was the obsestrician, a lovely woman called Beatrice who wanted to see me the same day if it was possible to check on my blood pressure and do some blood tests. It turned out Beatrice worked at the same hospital as I did, but at the day-clinic and she was rarely at the prematurity ward, hence our paths had never crossed before now. With James' schedule in my lap I set up an appointment for an ultrasound on December 2nd, making sure James wouldn't be busy as I wanted him to come with me. James was out for the day, working on preparations for one of his new sciency projects for the telly. When I called to tell him I was going to the hospital he disliked the idea of me going on my own, even if it was just for a check-up and to stop by the ward where I worked so I could talk to my boss. All of a sudden he was concerned, fussy and over-protective, he made it sound like I was liable to pass out any minute. He even went so far as to offer to come home and take me to the hospital. I argued that I had passed out once, that I was in much better shape now and that I would promise to call him when I got to the hospital and when I got home. Secretly I appreciated him fussing, it made me feel cared for and protected.

At the hospital it felt good to have a chat with my boss, the guilt of going on sick-leave had weighed heavy on my conscious. Lying about why I wasn't able to work had been something I hated, and it was a huge relief to be able to tell her the truth, at least parts of it. I told her about the pregnancy, and told her briefly about how ill it had made me. Twisting the truth a little I said that I didn't want to put down anything pregnancy-related on the sick-leave until we were absolutely sure about what we were going to do about it, James was after all a very well-known person in Britain as well as abroad, and if it got out it would've been very problematic. My boss nodded good-heartedly and confessed that she'd had her suspicions, she had after all worked in this field for 30 odd years and have come to develop a 6th sense when it came to pregnancies. Patting my arm she told me not to worry or stress about coming back to work, to take all the time I needed and do what was right for me. Whenever I wanted to come back to work, I was more than welcome to, as long as my health was good and the baby was safe.  
Even more relief washed over me when Beatrice could tell me that my blood pressure was fine. She took a few bloodtests, prodded my tummy and did a quick pelvic exam before taking out a little device that looked like a portable audio recorder.  
«Doppler,» she smiled, spotting my nervous look. Despite working in a prematurity ward, I realised I knew very little about anything on this side of giving birth, I never had anything to do with pregnant women, I only met babies after they were born. Beatrice unceremoniously squirted some ultrasound gel on my skin and with a trained hand she placed the little probe on my stomach. Immediately I heard the heartbeat, so much quicker than my own, but steadfast and strong. Beatrice smiled widely. «All sounds well,» she said simply, turning the doppler off and handing me a few tissues so I could clean myself off. I blinked a little to myself, trying to come to grips with what I had just heard. My baby. My babys heart. Beating. The doctor went back to her desk, waiting while I got up from the examination table and got my clothes in order.  
«I'll hopefully have the results of the blood tests later today. I'll call you anyway, whether they're good or not, you shouldn't have to worry about anything you don't need to right now. From what I heard you've done far enough of that already,» she said with an understanding smile. I nodded and shrugged a little, thanking her. «I want you to use your last week of sick leave even if your nausea has almost gone, you're still marked by the rough month you've just been through. Stay at home, relax, eat lots, you need to get your strength back up before you return to work. Then, if you feel up for it, you can go back to work, but give yourself an easy start, don't rush into it head first, okay?» More duteous nodding from me. «I'll see you and your James here in exactly one month. And if you have any questions or worries in the meantime, call me whenever you want.» Leaving Beatrices office I felt much lighter, like I could float away any minute. Beatrices manner had made me calmer and cautiously hopeful; she was warm, calm and sensible, and I immediately trusted her and wanted to take her advice. She had said everything was well, and for some reason I believed her, I wanted to believe that everything would be okay, not just with the baby, but with me and James as well. Returning home I sent James a text like I had promised. 'Home safe and sound. miss you.' I spent the rest of the day unpacking my huge suitcase, putting my things back into closets and drawers. Mentally I was also unpacking, in a way, trying to 'land' back in this house, in this city, back in my own life and in James'. It felt like my entire existence had been on hold for the last month, an existence in which I had never looked forwards. I'd had more than enough with just getting through the day, thinking about the next one had been far too exhausting and frightening. Around the time James had estimated he might be home, he sent me a text. 'This meeting is taking forever. They're not even letting me out to call you! I'll be late, three more hours maybe. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I love you.' I felt almost sorry for him, the way he put it made it sound like he was being held captive and tortured, which was probably what he felt like. Writing back to him I tried to reassure him that it was okay, that I understood and wasn't mad, knowing that James was extra worried about upsetting me in any way right now.

Having nearly forgotten about the laundry I went to take it out and put on a new load. I'd turned on the radio to keep me entertain while I hanged up laundry to dry, and the music mixed with the washing machine drowned out the sounds of James coming home. When I heard his voice calling my name behind me I was completely unprepared for it and it scared the life out of me. Screaming loudly I nearly jumped out of my skin and balled up my fists, clutching a pair of knickers.  
«James! Jesus! For gods sake!» I shouted.  
«Sorry, sorry I didn't mean to scare you, I tried to call out, you didn't hear, I'm sorry!» James rambled, raising his arms in the air in a disarming gesture, looking desperately sorry. He quickly turned down the radio a little then wrapped his arms around me. «Really, I tried not to scare you.» He spoke softly, running his hand over my hair. Still feeling my heart hammering in my chest I clung to him for comfort, drawing a deep breath to try and calm my nerves.  
«I'm usually not this jumpy, I was just... lost in my own thoughts. Sorry for screaming.» I muttered.  
«Emily, were you going to kill me with your knickers?» James said, wanting to break the tension, and I giggled.  
«You never know, these things are deadly!» I said as I pulled away from him, waving the knickers in front of him. James laughed and helped me hang up the last of the wet clothes. He looked a little harassed and tired. When the laundry was up I trailed after him into the livingroom and sank down on the sofa next to him. Wrapping an arm around his shoulder I ran my fingers through his hair.  
«Want me to make you a cup of tea? You look exhausted, sweetheart,» I said mildly.  
«No, no, just... sit here with me.» James turned to face me, then took me in his arms in a long, tight embrace, as if he hadn't seen me for weeks. His hands caressed my back and he buried his face in my hair. «I'm so sorry for getting stuck in that meeting, for being this late... I wanted to be with you.»  
«It's okay. These things happen, we both know that. I actually got a lot of things done today. Don't worry, it's fine.»  
«But I... I don't want to spend my time in meetings, I wanted to spend it with you. We had over a month apart, I want to catch up on some of that...» he sulked, still hugging me tightly.  
«I know, I know.. I'm not going back to work until next week, so I'll be home a lot and we can make the most out of the time when we're both at home,» I smiled, pulling back a little from him. He nodded sadly and rested back against the sofa, pulling me with him. Resting my head on his shoulder I sighed, happy to be back with James. «Are you hungry? Did they at least feed you at that meeting?»  
«Yeah, we ordered in. Did you eat, though?» He asked, looking intently down at me.  
«Yes, I did, since you were going to be late I figured I'd sort dinner myself.»  
«Good.»  
«I went by the ward when I went to the hospital today. Saw my boss, told her about the real reason for my sick leave. Well, not all of it, but the pregnancy bit anyway. She said she'd already suspected. She was great about it, understanding and supportive, told me to take my time and that I was welcome back when I was fit for it.»  
«That's great! How could she have suspected anything, though?»  
«God knows. Nurses working with maternity and babies they just... grow some supernatural sense when it comes to that sort of thing, I don't know if they can smell it on you or... something. 'Ooh, this female has procreated and is with child', its kind of eerie really.»  
«That is unsettling,» James chortled. «And what did the obstetrician say?»  
«You know, I really liked her. Thoughtful, intelligent, warm... And she seems to really know her stuff.»  
«Okay, also good. But what did she say?» He asked again, a little impatient now.  
«My blood pressure was good. She also called me around four and said my blood tests had come back, they were also good, hemoglobin has gone down a little since Norway but that was just to be expected. As long as I take iron supplements it'll be fine.»  
«That's a relief. I'm glad to hear that,» James sighed, squeezing my a little.  
«She told me to use my last week of sick leave, just to gather my strength a little. Then I could go back to work, but maybe not full time in the beginning. You know, ease back into things.»  
«That sounds sensible. I like this doctor,» James announced. «Especially if you'll actually listen to her,» he added sarcastically.  
«You know what I also happened at the doctors today?» I asked with a secretive smile.  
«No idea.»  
«I heard the baby's heartbeat.» Grinning from ear to ear I looked up at James, who stared at back at me in stunned silence for a while.  
«You did?»  
«Yeah, she used a doppler, I didn't see it or anythying, it was just the sound.»  
«Wow, that must've been... very special. I'm sorry I missed that...» he said, his shoulders sagging a little. Seeing his sad, regretful expression I wanted to comfort him, I didn't want him to feel left out or like his work had prevented him from taking part in what was going on.  
«Oh, sweetheart... I didn't know she was going to do that. It was just a few seconds. I've made an appointment for an ultrasound in about a month. I was hoping you wanted to come with me? I checked your calendar, you'll be home.»  
«Of course I'll come with you,» he said, sounding a little exasperated at the stupid question.  
«Good. You'll hear the baby then. And see it!» I smiled, resting my head on his shoulder and hugging him. «You know, this is all still very... surreal to me, James. I'm not sure I've really understood what is going on. Even hearing the heartbeats didn't change that.»  
«I'm glad you said that, because I feel that too, I'm still in a bit of shock,» James said honestly.  
«We'll just have to give it time. Adjust to the idea? Unless you're having second thoughts...?» I asked, suddenly feeling insecure and scared. What if he did change his mind? This was probably the biggest decision in our lives, and I couldn't quite shake the idea that I had somehow forced him into this.  
«What? No! Of course I'm not!» James pulled back to look at me. «I've been thinking about this baby all day, and about you. I'm sure I have no idea what went on at that meeting. I'll admit, the thought of becoming a dad still scares the life out of me, but it's a good kind of scare. I think. I've been thinking about all the things I'm looking forward to. And all the things I'm not looking forward to. Just.. trying to picture how this will change our lives.»  
«So you're already looking forward to things?» I asked, unable to hide that I was a little surprised at this.  
«Yeah... shouldn't I be? It's not like you dragged me kicking and screaming into this, Emily,» James reminded me. «I want this too, you know.» I smiled a little, comforted and reassured to know that James was having the same thoughts as I had.  
«I know, I just... thought for a long time that you would never want to,» I sighed. «Tell me about those things? What you look forward to. And the things you dread,» I asked, still resting on his shoulder, caressing his chest through his shirt.  
«Hmm...» James hummed, absent-mindedly caressing my upper arm while he thought. «I look forward to seeing it, if it' a boy or a girl, who it'll take after.... Most of all I'm looking forward to seeing the baby grow and learn things, watch it develop into a person with thoughts and opinions all of its own.»  
«At the ultrasound, do we want to know if its a boy or a girl?» I asked, looking up at him.  
«Where's the excitement in that?» James asked with a smirk.  
«Okay, so we don't want to know.»  
«You don't agree?»  
«Yes, I do! It just makes decorating a room for it a little harder!» I laughed.  
«I never would've agreed on baby blue or pink anyway,» James mumbled.  
«And I never would have suggested it! But no, I don't want to know either. I want to wonder and guess and make others guess, too. So, what are the things you're not looking forward to?»  
«Having to get up at all hours of the night. Or when it's screaming bloody murder and nothing we do or try calms it down. What if it gets really sick or has colic or.. something. I remember one of my nephews had colic...» James shuddered as he relived the horrible memories. «And I don't look forward to not having you all to myself.»  
«Wow. I thought you were going to say you were dreading having toys and crumbs riddled all through the house.» At this James froze and looked at me, eyes widening.  
«I didn't even think of that,» he said in quiet horror.  
«Having children is the perfect cure for obsessive-compulsive tendencies, James. There'll be toys scattered everywhere and porridge-stains on the carpet and congealed banana all over the kitchen table.»  
«Jezza and Richard have always complained about the excrutiating torture of treading on toys, especially legos, but I never thought I would go through that myself...»  
«Pff, you have more legos than their kids ever had,» I scoffed, knowing about the boxes and boxes he had stashed around the house.  
«But I don't leave them around on the floor!» He argued. «Anyway, I'm glad you're making me realise this now, I need a good six months to mentally prepare for that,» he said in a sombre tone. «But what about you?»  
«Me? Well... much the same as you, really. I'm looking forward to seeing it for the first time, holding it, all the cuddles. Seeing you hold it. Seeing it smile and hearing the first word. And I'm worried about the same things you are. Getting up at night, not being able to soothe it if its hysterical, teething period, sore nipples... What if it won't sleep at night? Or ever? What if all I do is wrong and I just can't hack it as a mum?»  
«We're two grown adults against one little squirt, we should be able to win. We'll figure it out,» he said confidently. «Unless it's as stubborn as you, then we might be in over our heads,» he added and we both broke out laughing.  
«By the way, I stopped by Waterstones on the way home,» I said, suddenly remembering. Getting out of the sofa I retrieved a bag from a chair. «I got you some books.»  
«Some..?!» James took the small pile of books out of my hand with a look of trepidation and sceptiscism in his eyes. I could imagine what he was fearing; vivid illustrations of things he really didn't want illustrated, and lots of touchy-feely mushy literature he could do without.  
«All right, I went a little overboard. But you fathers-to-be have much more interesting books than us!» I argued. The first one was titled _'She's Having a Baby—and I'm Having a Breakdown: What Every Man Needs to Know—and Do—When the Woman He Loves Is Pregnant'._ As he read this title James guffawed with laughter.  
«I'm not sure I've ever read a more apt book title. That sounds like exactly what I need,» he chortled, then turned over to the next book in the pile.  
«About this one, I know I'm not your wife, but I couldn't resist.» James saw the title and giggled again, shaking his head in amazement. _'What to Expect When Your Wife Is Expanding: A Reassuring Month-by-Month Guide for the Father-to-Be, Whether He Wants Advice or Not'._ «See, you guys have much better books than us,» I persisted. The next book was entitled _'Don't Just Stand There: How to Be Helpful, Clued-In, Supportive, Engaged, Meaningful, and Relevant in the Delivery Room'._  
«Good. Useful,» he nodded resolutely when his giggles had subsided.  
«Now, these next ones, I think they both had to be made for you,» I laughed as James turned over to the next one. The book _'Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads'_ was illustrated with paintings and drawings that looked like those from children's books and advertisements in the 50s and 60s. The retro look and the humour in it made it perfect for James. He opened the book and quickly read through a page, snorting through his nose as he read. Turning to the last one he shook his head, giggling again. _'The Baby Owner's Manual: Operating Instructions, Trouble-Shooting Tips, and Advice on First-Year Maintenance'._  
«I know you're one of the few men on this planet who actually reads the manual,» I observed as he flicked through the book. I took it from him and opened to the first page, reading aloud. _'Congratulations on the arrival of your new baby. This baby is surprisingly similar to other appliances you may own. Like a personal computer, for instance, the baby will require a source of power to execute her many complicated tasks and functions. Like an inkjet printer, the baby's head will require frequent cleanings to for optimum performance. And like an automobile, the baby may expel unpleasant odours into the atmosphere.'_ James chuckled as I read, nodding understandingly.  
«That all sounds perfectly reasonable to me,» he giggled, taking the book from me and placing it on top of the pile next to him on the sofa.  
«I'll admit, I went a little crazy...» I admitted again, looking at the stack of books. «The lady at Waterstones thought so too, judging by the look she gave me.»  
«No, no, you did good,» James said with a smile, kissing me quickly. «I actually want to read these. If I do, maybe I won't be so utterly useless,» he added with self-irony.  
«James... Everyone is useless at this the first time. Some people never stop being useless. All we can do is read about it, prepare ourselves as best we can and we'll learn along the way. Like you said, we'll figure it out.» At this James didn't say anything, he just squeezed me tighter and hummed his agreement, sounding pensive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (PS - all the book titles in this chapter are dead real. Go google them, have a giggle :)


	56. Chapter 56

James and I didn't really talk much about the pregnancy over the coming week. We didn't really need to. Both of us needed time to process it on our own, in our own minds, digest the fact that we were going to become a mum and a dad. We had made the decision, and that was enough for now. Even so I caught James reading the books I had given him whenever he had the time, he couldn't read them anywhere but in the privacy of home for now, as we were keeping it too ourselves. It was an entertainment in itself watching him read them: sometimes reading intently with furrowed brows, looking concerned or slightly panic-stricken, and sometimes laughing loudly. I took Beatrice's advice to heart and spent my week relaxing, and eating, enjoying life and the excuse to eat whatever I wanted immensely now that the nausea had gone. James worked a little, but cancelled a few things here and there just to be home with me. We desperately needed this time together, our month apart had been devastating for us both. Even without talking about it, I knew that we both just wanted to focus more on our relationship than the pregnancy right now. Our relationship was the foundation for everything, we were the meaning in each others lives and nothing could be more important. So we spent time together, just being a couple; talking, laughing, making love and finding back to each other. Over and over we told each other how sorry we were for what had happened, and what we loved about each other. 

Another reason we prioritized spending time with each other was that I was going back to work, and James would be leaving for two weeks to the US to record a documentary on space a few days later. I was amused to no end by how James was fussing over me, checking up on me while I was at work, making dinner for when I came home, cleaning the house and and doing laundry, anything to be helpful and show that he wanted to take care of me. No matter how much I tried saying that he didn't need to do everything, and to reassure him that I was fine, he wouldn't listen. In the end I gave up and just let him keep at it, secretly enjoying the attention and not having to do boring house chores. Privately I suspected him of trying to prepare himself for fatherhood, or at least trying to practice being one. But when James began talking in all seriousness of postponing or cancelling the making of the documentary I had to put my foot down.  
«James... You really are sweet, watching out for me. You've been taking such good care of me lately and I really appreciate it, love. I know that you want to be here, with me, and look after me. I know that, I do. But stop being ridiculous. You can't, and shouldn't, either postpone nor cancel this shoot.»  
«But I worry about you, and I hate the thought of leaving you for two whole weeks,» he argued, albeit a little feebly.  
«I don't like the thought of you leaving, either, of course I don't. I'll miss you so much, and you know that. But you need to work, or you'll just became restless and grumpy. And then I'll become grumpy. Work as much as you can now, get all your projects out of the way, because after this baby is born... That is when I'll want you to be here with me all the time.»  
«Are you saying you don't want me here?» He asked, only half-pretending to be offended.  
«Pff. Sometimes I wonder who are having worse hormonal issues, you or me,» I scoffed, nudging him lightly. James chuckled despite himself and wrapped his arms around me, just holding me close. «I know you're worried that you'll miss out on something by not being here all the time, or that I'll feel like you're not being supportive enough. But I won't feel like that, honey. And you really won't miss out on much in two weeks, you might not even tell the difference when you get back.»  
«Hmm... Okay, if you say so,» he sighed reluctantly, letting me go but peering at me intently. «But what if something happens when I'm away?»  
«Oh, honey...» Seeing the concern in James' face I felt a wave of understanding and love. It was evident that something going wrong was something he had worried about a lot lately, even if he'd never told me so. «James, I worry about that too. That something might happen or go wrong... But if it does, there is nothing you or I can do about it. It won't matter where we are or what we're doing, if it happens, it happens. So I try not to think about it too much, it'll just make me anxious and stressed and it'll wear me out. And it will for you, too. Try not to worry about it, okay? We're over the worst bit, I feel healthy and the heartbeats sounded strong and good. Just focus on that.» James sighed again, rubbing his face.  
«Jesus, when did I become such a worrier...» he mumbled, voice muffled by his hands.  
«James, you always have been! You worry constantly, about work, about your age, about what to wear, what other people think of you... I can hear the thoughts whirring around in your brain 24-7,» I said mildly, patting his back. James looked quizzically at me from between his fingers, then straightened up a little.  
«That might be true, but... A month ago I thought I'd never have kids, and I thought I was happy with that. When did this start to matter so much?»  
«See? Now you're even worrying about this mattering too much to you!» I pointed out, half-laughing. «But I'm glad it matters to you, it just tells me that you want this just as much as I do. We've had this conversation before; caring about something, or someone, is always scary, because you might lose it, it might disappear. But we still do it, right?»  
«This isn't how this is supposed to go, you know. You're supposed to be hysterical and anxious, and I'm supposed to be calm and comforting one,» James grumbled, looking exasperated at himself.  
«Psh, you've always been the woman of this relationship,» I scoffed and James' loud laughter rang through the living room. «You even look more pregnant than me,» I added, poking his stomach.  
“For now!” He said curtly.  
“Yes, but this...” I said, gesturing to my own tummy, “this is just temporary. That however – that beergut is for life, May,” I continued poking him again.  
«Oy, watch it,» he growled. Before I even had time to squeal he pounced, tickling me fervently and I curled up into a defensive ball, screaming with laughter. He didn't stop until I was sitting on the floor, tears rolling down my face while I gasped for air. My stomach hurt from laughing and I clutched at a stitch in my side. «Am I still a woman?» He asked, a little out of breath.  
«No, no, no, no, you're a big strong manly man, you just tickled your woman into submission,» I chuckled. James lunged after me, trying to tickle me again, but this time I was prepared for it. Catching him unawares I wrapped a hand around his wrist and managed to yank him down onto the floor, pulling him close. «Stop it, or I'll remove all your bedroom privileges,» I growled, my face an inch from his.  
«Mm, I better behave then,» he hummed, looking at me transfixed.  
«Good girl. I mean, boy,» I corrected quickly. James rolled his eyes as he giggled. Closing the final little gap between us I gave him a slow, considered kiss, running my palm over his chest. Pulling away I looked at him pointedly. «James, I'll be just fine, I promise. We have phones, we can keep in touch every day. Meanwhile I have work, I have books to read, TV-shows to watch, friends to catch up with... Maybe I'll go up to the Hammonds or something for a day or two to cuddle all the dogs, I said I'd come visit them again. I promise to take it easy at work and to take care of myself.»  
«Just don't... rearrange the furniture or anything while I'm away. No taking on extra shifts. And if you have to go grocery shopping, don't... carry too much, get help. And...»  
«James! I get it!» I shouted.  
«Okay, okay...» James nodded, leaning his forehead against mine. «You're a big girl, I know you can take care of yourself,» he admitted.  
«Not such a big girl as you,» I snorted, unable to resist the urge to poke fun at him again. James' arm twitched, I could tell he had been about to tickle me again, but I held up a warning finger. «Ah-ah-ah. Bedroom privileges, remember?» His expression softened instantly and he tried to pass his arm-twitch off as having tried to wrap it around me. Leaning down he nuzzled the side of my neck, hunting out that sensitive spot.  
«Hmm, can I use those privileges now?» He hummed. With my eyes closed I just moaned a weak 'uh-huh' in response, easily excited as I was these days. Holding him I sank down on the floor, pulling him down with me. He kept nuzzling and kissing the side of my neck. I turned my head sideways, hunting for his mouth, taking his lips in a deep and passionate kiss. «This isn't the bedroom...» James pointed out with a mumble.  
«I don't care,» I huffed, meaning it whole-heartedly, I wanted him to take me right here on the floor between the table and the couch. «Your privileges are extended to the entire house. And garage.»  
«I can't with the dust bunnies staring at me...» he said distractedly, looking sideways at a few fluffs of dust under the sofa.  
«You're the housewife these days, so you've apparently done a poor job...» I teased, playing with his earlobe with my tongue, breathing heavily into his ear. He hummed, but tore himself out of it and pulled back, leaning on his arms to look down at me.  
«Emily, the last time we had sex on the floor my back almost gave out. And I think I still might have chafe marks on my arse.»  
«But we're on a rug now...» I begged.  
«Which will probably give me carpet burns!» He laughed, leaning down a little he gave me a quick kiss. «Now come on. I don't want a quickie on the floor. I want you properly, I want to make love to you, in our bed,» he whispered, then sat up on his knees.  
«Well, when you put it like that...» I nodded, smiling at him as I let him pull me up to sit. Getting to his feet he helped me up, then wrapped his arms around me and held me close, resting his forehead against mine.  
«I think your horny pregnant hormones are starting to have an affect on me, too...» he mumbled. The bulge in his jeans pressing against me gave away what he meant.  
«Or you're just really chuffed about having a girlfriend who wants to shag all the time,» I giggled, slipping my hands into the backpockets of his jeans to squeeze his arse. James just chuckled and shrugged innocently. «But you know... Feel free to hose me down if I'm wearing you out or.. you can't keep up,» I teased, squeezing him again.  
«Watch it, missus... You don't want to go there,» He warned, narrowing his eyes.  
«Yes, I do. I do want to go there. Now!» I nodded eagerly. «Specifically upstairs!» James rolled his eyes, pretending to be exasperated, but took my hand and led me upstairs nonetheless. 

In the end, James went to make his documentary, but he didn't go quietly. As long I had my shifts at the hospital I was fine, it kept me occupied and tired enough to be able to fall asleep in an empty bed at night. But I was still working just half time and suddenly I had en entire long-weekend stretching out in front of me, seemingly infinite. I managed to get through Thursday by talking to people on the phone, calling Cathy or my sister while simultaneously playing on my iPad AND watching TV. By Friday afternoon I was climbing the walls with boredom, I was missing James and I was lonely. In desperation I sent Richard a text. 'Bored out of my skull. Please entertain me with whatever marvellous adventure you're currently in'. Within a minute the phone rang.  
«Adventure? Emily, I'm sat here staring at the kitchen clock!» He complained as soon as I had said hello.  
«That sounds.... tedious. Why?»  
«Mindy and the kids are away for the weekend,» he mumbled, feeling sorry for himself.  
«Isn't that a welcome break? You can do whatever you want! Tinker with bikes or cars, go driving, have a beer, sleep in...? I thought a wife-and-kids-free weekend was a blessing for a family man?»  
«It isn't, I'm just bored and restless,» he grumbled. «What about you, why are you so bored?»  
«James is in the states for two weeks, space documentary.»  
«Aha... But this is great!» He said, suddenly sounding incredibly excited. «Come up here! We can watch movies and have pizza and... Well, it's too cold for playing around with on motorbikes or the ATVs really, but we could off-roading with my Land Rover! You know, mudding or rock crawling or something, I know lots of places to do that around here.»  
«I know absolutely jack about off-roading, though,» I said, smiling as I heard Richards excitement.  
«Even better, I can teach you! So, are you coming?» He asked, sounding like an eager jack russell at the prospect of being taken for a walk.  
«Yes, yes, I'm coming, of course I am,» I sighed and laughed. «I'll just need to pack a little. It'll be late until I get there though, the drive takes over two hours.»  
«If you're taking the panda it'll take three! Pack wellies! And stuff you don't mind getting dirty.»  
«I might take the Porsche, actually.»  
«Smart decision.»  
«All right, I'll see you later then!» We hung up and I busied myself with packing, rummaging around to find thermal underwear, thick sweaters and durable outdoorsy clothes, not really knowing what I would need for country off-roading, I had never done it before. When I had gotten into the car I called James.  
«Hi sweetheart. I just called to let you know I'm on my way up to Hammond's. I got bored.»  
«Really? That's good. It's good to know you won't be alone. And bored.»  
«I'll call you when I get there,» I said, knowing he was about to ask.  
«Yes, you will. And drive safe, yeah? It's late, might've dropped below zero now,» he warned.  
«James, you are talking to a woman who grew up driving in Norway. You don't have to tell me?»  
«Okay, okay, I know.»  
«I miss you, you know. I just needed something to do, make the time pass.»  
«Miss you too. Love you.»

Richard had sent me a text instructing me to just come in when I arrived, so that's what I did. Opening the front door I shouted his name, and was met by a barrage of dogs greeting me.  
«In here!» I heard from the living room, and I headed there with a train of dogs following me.  
«Bloody hell, you took your time!» He said, lounging comfortably in a big armchair. «You took the Panda, didn't you.»  
«No, I took the Porsche. But there was a major accident on the M4. Thank fuck I wasn't there first, or I'd be elbow deep in blood and intestines by now,» I sighed as I slumped down on the sofa. Richard made a face. «But I was stuck in the jam for an hour. Looked really bad, car versus trailer,» I shuddered.  
«But you made it! Welcome!» Richard got up and came over to give me a long hug. «Long time, no see! I haven't seen you since what, August?»  
«Something like that,» I agreed, hugging him back. We quickly decided to order some pizza and watch a movie.  
«Beer?» Richard asked, mouth already full of pizza.  
«Um, no thanks, I'm trying to... stay away from that stuff for a while,» I said, realising I hadn't thought up any good lies for not drinking.  
«Stay away? Why?»  
«Living with May there's too much beer around, I'll have a gutbucket to rival Jezza's any day now,» I continued, thinking quickly. Richard eyed me intently for a moment.  
«All right. I know better than to argue with women over dieting choices!» He shrugged. «But in my opinion you're being completely ridiculous. You really don't need to be dieting, you look absolutely perfect to me.» He said it with an undertone that made my eyes linger at him a little longer. Was he flirting again? We got through the pizza quickly and before long I found myself curled on the sofa buried beneath a pile of dogs. Richard was back in the armchair, buried on the blanket again. Half an hour into the movie he was sleeping soundly. I let him sleep until the movie was over around midnight. Untangling myself from the dogs on the sofa I put a hand on Richard's arm, rousing him gently.  
«Hamster... It's midnight. Go to bed.»  
«Mwuh..?» He opened his eyes and looked dazedly up at me, his mind sluggish from sleep. Sighing tiredly he rubbed his face. «I'm the worst company in the world, I ask you up here and I just.. zonk out. Sorry.»  
«Oh don't be silly, it's fine. The movie wasn't very interesting anyway, you didn't miss much.»  
«Even so.... Sorry for falling asleep. I guess I just relax better with people around,» he said as he got out of his armchair. «Anyway, you should go to bed too, tomorrow we're going offroading!»


	57. Chapter 57

I woke early the next morning, my legs tingling. Over the last week my legs had become increasingly restless in the mornings, and there was nothing for it but to get up and walk. The house was still dead quiet. Sensing that Richard might need to catch up on some sleep I got dressed, snuck downstairs and took the pack of dogs on a morning walk. I left Richard a note, promising I hadn't kidnapped them. Having only ever owned one dog at a time in my life, walking four of varying sizes was a new and trying experience, but I enjoyed the fresh air and being around lots of animals again. Returning from the grey, miserable November-morning outside I met Richard in the kitchen, he had evidently just gotten up.   
«Hello!» He greeted his dogs as they all ran towards him to say good morning. He hunkered down and scratched them all, talking midly at them. «Emily is pretty neat, huh? She gets up early to take you guys for a walk! We like this houseguest, don't we guys?»  
«I woke up early, was restless,» I shrugged and shivered a little, still cold from having been outside. «It's miserable out there, grey and... british.»  
«It rained last night. Perfect for mudding!» Richard said happily, and started on breakfast. We ate quickly, packed lunch, dressed warmly and threw ourselves in the old, battered Land Rover. Richard drove along disused country and forest roads, aiming for any mudhole, creek or rock he could lay his eyes on. He jabbered constantly, excitedly explaining various techniques and principles of mudding, wading and whatever else. He was just as eager about letting me have a go, and calmly guided me up craggy hills and through what felt like gigantic rivers while I squealed with fearful joy. We laughed a lot, playing around and having fun, joking and teasing each other like schoolkids. Of course we got ourselves stuck wheel-deep in muck, and since Richard was driving he ordered me outside to see if there was any way out of it, or if we had to shove pieces of wood or rocks behind the tires to try to get any sort of grip. By the time we had gotten out of that hole I was covered in mud nearly head to toe. Richard poked his head out of the open window and guffawed with laughter, still more or less perfectly clean. Quickly he took a photo of me with his camera and told me to get back in. When he had finished tapping on his phone, my own phone pinged with a tweet, complete with photo of me. 'Offroading with @emily, the infinitely better half of @mrjamesmay. I'm sorry mate, I mucked her up a bit.' In the photo you could hardly distinguish me from the muddy road I was standing on, as I was mostly the same colour. Getting back in the car I warmed up, the mud turning into sand as it dried out. Having gotten the hang of it, and finding it fun, I soon ushered Richard out of the driver's seat, wanting to drive more. Finding a particularly gnarly road I drove into what looked like the deepest part, ignoring Richard's incessant shouting, and pretended to get stuck. Richard sighed and grumbled before getting out of the car.   
«Hang on, I'll see how bad it is.» Following him with my eyes in the rear-view mirror as he rounded the car I hit the accelerator as he was exactly behind the car, spraying him with mud. I heard him squeal and then swear heartily, and when he reached the driver's door I broke out laughing. He looked just as bad as me now.   
«I'm sorry, I thought I heard you say that I should try to put my foot down!» I said, trying to look innocent but failing miserably, my poker-face had always been just as bad as James'. Of course he didn't buy it. While Richard tried to shake the worst of the mud off it was my turn to tweet a photo of him. '@MrJamesMay I got my revenge.' Now that both of us, and the car, were all the same muddy uni-color, we decided that our mission was accomplished and called it a day. 

Returning to the house we entered through a sidedoor, coming into what looked like the biggest laundry room I had ever seen.   
«This room is handy for whenever any of us or the dogs are... well, as mucky as we look now. Tiled, heated floor, easy to clean and we can just throw everything right into the washing machine. Well, apart from the dogs,» Richard explained. I got out of my mucky wellies and looked down myself, pulling a face. «Just... get out of your wet clothes and leave them here, I'll throw them in the washer later. I can go outside while you.. » he began, gesturing to the door, trying to be a gentleman.  
«It's just legs, Richard, you've seen legs before,» I scoffed as I got out of my jacket, then my sodden trousers and socks.   
«They're... very good legs,» he observed as he got out of his own mucky clothes, leaving just his t-shirt and boxers on.   
«I haven't wanted a shower this badly since when I was in Syria and we had no water for a week!» I said as I padded barefoot through the kitchen, heading for the guest-bathroom upstairs in just my knickers and a top. Richard followed close behind.   
«Emily...» Richards hand closed around my wrist, pulling me backwards. Suddenly I was pinned up against the wall, and Richard's hands were on either side of my face, his lips on mine, kissing me passionately. The shock of it paralysed me, making me unable to stop him or push him away. To my horror I realised I was even kissing him back.  
«What are you doing?» I huffed between kisses. They were so different from James', playful and full of lust. Still holding my head in his hands Richard pulled back an inch.   
«Kissing you,» he said breathlessly. «I have to know what it's like, I've been driving myself mad, wondering.» Before I had time to process what he had said, let alone think of a response, his lips were on mine again. I huffed against his mouth, not knowing what to do with my own hands. This was all kinds of wrong, yet part of me didn't want to stop.   
«Richard, we can't...» I said, hearing the feebleness in my own voice. Richard ignored my lame protests, moving his kisses over my jaw and neck.   
«Tell me 'no' and I'll stop...» he challenged, breathing against my skin. Surprised I realised my hand was tangled in his short hair and my other arm was wrapped around his waist.   
«You're married, you have kids... I have James...» Richard ignored all of these arguments, continuing to kiss and lick the side of my neck and shoulder. His hands, which had been on the walls either side of me, pinning me to the spot, now traveled down my sides and over my hips. I shuddered as I felt his fingertips reach the top of my bare thighs. His hands were smaller than James', their touch different. God damn it, why was this so hard to put an end to? I was fighting an all out war with myself. Richards body pressed against mine, his lips, his hands on me, all of it had ignited that overwhelming arousal and excitement in me that was so easy to awaken these days. It was muddling my brain, making me weak. I wanted him, I was curious as to what it would be like. «Richard, stop... This is wrong...» His mouth traveled up my neck again, grazing that sensitive spot that caused me to shudder and give an involuntary wince.  
«You're still not telling me no...» he observed, then found my mouth again. His tongue grazed by bottom lip, and as if I was standing next to myself with no real control I watched in horror as I opened my mouth to him, running my tongue against his. I was losing this battle, and fast. Richards palms were rubbing my hips firmly, and I found myself half wishing that he'd slip them inside my knickers, that he would touch my skin, I wanted his palms on me. Instead of doing as I wished, his hand travelled up my body. As I felt his palm against my tummy, I had a sudden and vivid flash of what it felt like to have James palm there, his tender, gentle hands caressing me and the baby growing in me. That gave me the strength to push him away.  
«Richard, no. I love James!» I said, my chest heaving. «And you love Mindy. This is wrong.» As I pierced him with an angry, shocked look it was as if all the air went out of him, his shoulders sagged and he hung his head in shame.   
«Jesus, Emily...» he began. He took a step towards me and I was prepared to push him away again, but stopped myself when all he did was bury his face against my shoulder and wrap his arms around me. All the heated urgency was gone from his voice and his body. «I'm so, so sorry, I don't know what came over me. Just... please, don't hate me, Emily, please? I can't believe I did that, I'm really sorry, I'm such a clot..» His face was still hidden against my shoulder, hiding away from me while pleading for forgiveness. There was so much remorse, shame and sadness in that voice that my heart went out to him.   
«Oh, Richard...» I sighed, feeling the anger and defensiveness recede as quickly as it had flared up. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him briefly before pushing him away, forcing him to look at me. «It's all right, I'm not angry... You just a weak moment, you know? We both did. A very, very... weak moment,» I sighed, blushing as I found myself looking him up and down. My heart was still racing, the fire still burning within me and a horny devil in my head was urging me to jump his bones again. «Lets just... go have a shower. Separate showers, mind, and very very cold ones. And we should get some bloody clothes on, and then we'll... talk about this, okay? Whatever the hell that was,» I rambled, gesturing to the empty air between us.   
«Yeah, I... Um... Yeah, cold shower, we should do that,» Richard was flustered and awkward, avoiding my gaze. Gesturing towards the stairs he kept rambling. «I'll... go away now, quickly, and.. Yeah...» My eyes tracked him as he ascended the stairs, my heart still hammering. I wasn't angry with him, even the shock had started to wane a little. Realising that the reason I was still shaking was uncontrollable lust I huffed with frustration and stomped upstairs and into the guest bathroom. Desperately needing a release I ended up having a very private and rather enjoyable moment in the shower. I knew that if I didn't do anything about it, if I didn't get this out of my system one way or another I would never be able to clear my head and have a normal conversation with Richad.

Half an hour I returned downstairs and found Richard in the living room. The telly was on but he wasn't watching, but stared blankly into space, evidently lost in thought. Noticing me in the corner of his eyes he looked up at me for a fraction of a second before averting his eyes. He was ridden with shame and guilt, fiddling nervously with his hands. I stopped in the doorway, leaning against the frame.   
«You all right?» I asked kindly.   
«No, not really, no...» he shrugged, still not looking at me. Making my way across the living-room floor I sat down next to him on the sofa.  
«Richard, listen... I'm not angry with you, I promise,» I assured him, placing my hand on his arm and squeezing it gently. «I don't have any right to be, I kissed you back for fucks sake.» At this Richard's eyes flicked up to mine briefly. «I'm a little suprised though, I'll admit.»  
«God, you must think I'm such an... arse,» Richard sighed, rubbing his face.  
«No,» I said honestly. «I'm just wondering why you kissed me.»  
«Because I... I'm so damn attracted to you. I have been for a while, I guess. Every time I spend any amount of time with you I can't get you out of my head for days. I'm just.. fascinated by you.» As Richard said this I blinked a few times, surprised and a little flattered. I kept my mouth shut, sensing that Richard had more on his mind. He squirmed and fidgeted some more, trying to find the right words. «And I guess I'm a little jealous.»  
«Jealous?» I frowned.   
«Jealous of what James have, what you two have in each other. You two are so madly, head over heels in love, unable to keep your hands off each other. Being so... consumed by somebody, having that tension that makes everything feel electric... I miss that passion, being that wrapped up in someone else. I just wanted that.»  
«Oh, Richard... James and I have our ups and downs, just like every other couple! Some days I want to poke him in the eye with a fork just for breathing. Besides, we haven't even been together a year, we're still in that... honeymoon phase, I guess. All relationships tend to be intense and all-consuming in the beginning. You and Mindy had that phase too, I'm sure?»  
«Yeah, I guess... It just seems like a very long time ago,» Richard said, and he looked up at me with a sadness I had never seen in him before. Now we were getting to the root of the problem. Taking a deep breath as if he steeled himself, Richard straightened up a little and looked straight at me.  
«Emily, I think my marriage might be falling apart.»  
«Is that why she isn't here this weekend?»  
«Yeah... We had a huge fight, she said she needed to get away for a while. Took the kids with her the next morning to her parents.»  
«What did you argue about?»  
«Everything. And nothing, really, I'm not even sure. I'm away a lot, and whenever I am she says she misses me and wants me home. But when I am home, everything I do or say seem to just annoy her, like she can't wait to get me out of the house again. I've always been worried about being away too much, that it would ruin our relationship, that she'd hate me for never being around and just... slip away from me. I think that's finally happened.»  
«If Mindy feels that way, I can understand her.... I don't know, I've never talked to her about it. You know, you've been doing Top Gear for ten years now, and the success it as had has been ridiculous, it's taken up so much more of your time than anyone could have predicted. And you've done loads of other things, documentaries, Crash Course, Wipeout, the books... I don't know, maybe she just feels a little... left out, or even left behind, cooped up here with the kids? Maybe she feels like she wants to realise herself a little? Do something on her own, achieve something... But I'm just speculating, Richard, I don't know how she feels.»  
«How do you feel about it, thought? About James being away so much?»  
«I'm... all right with it, really. Whenever he is, I miss him an awful lot, of course. But he has his job, and I have mine, it keeps me occupied. Sometimes I even appreciate having some time to myself, doing things on my own, living my own life separate from him. The fact that he's away so much and that we're not always joined at the hip makes us appreciate the time we actually spend together that much more. That's how it works for us, but everyone is different. And I've only had to live with it for a year or so. Who knows, in ten years time maybe I'll be incredibly fed up with it.»  
«I've tried to pay attention to them, to Mindy and the girls, to make time for them... I guess I've done a rubbish job at it,» Richard said sadly.   
«I'm sure you've done your best, Richard, I don't doubt that, I know you care a lot about your girls. But... your job is always threatening to take you away from her and the girls, one way or another. You're busy, you're away a lot... It even threatened to take your life at one point.» Richard was silent for a long time.   
«I've never thought about it that way...» he mumbled. «I'm just... We've been together for a lot of years. I'm scared that we've just... grown apart. People change, you know...»  
«You know what, Richard? I'm not so sure I believe that, that people grow apart. People don't fundamentally change that much, not really. If a marriage falls apart because they've 'grown apart', it might be that they just weren't right for each other to begin with. People can adapt, try to make it work, pretend to be someone they aren't just to keep a marriage going. And some do all their lives. People don't necessarily change as they get older, but they find themselves. Who they truly are. But I don't think that's Mindy and you. Maybe you've just... drifted apart, instead of grown apart?»  
«But... I don't know how to find back to her,» he sighed.  
«I don't know, Richard... Do something together, a work project or something? Include her in your life. Take her for romantic dinners or... camping trips or whatever you people like to do. Do something together that you used to do together, but never do anymore. Rediscover all the the things about her that made you fall in love with her and marry her! Park the girls at their grandparents and sweep her totally off her feet, take her to some exotic, incredibly romantic place for two weeks. Personally I can recommend Bali...»  
«Whoa whoa, stop, I need to write all of these suggestions down!» Richard said, but smiling cautiously now, cheering up a little.   
«I bet that if either of you found yourself without the other one day, you wouldn't know how to live your life. It's just that... when you have someone who is always there, you sometimes forget to appreciate it. Richard, you two can fix this, you will fix this, you two are perfect for each other. Everyone else has been jealous of your marriage for the past ten years!»  
«God, I hope you're right...» Richard looked up at me pleadingly.   
«I am. But... kissing me is not the answer to any of this,» I pointed out with a crooked, little smile.   
«I'm sorry. I know that, of course I do. I just...» He squirmed, not knowing what to say.  
«Had a weak moment?» I proffered, and he gave a relieved nod.  
«Listen, Ems... Thank you for handling this so well. For not getting mad at me. And most of all for listening to me.. I really appreciate your advice. And your support.»  
«No worries, Richard, no need to thank me. You helped me once. Hopefully I can help you a little, I'm always there for my mates.»   
«Thanks...» He rubbed his temples again and got up with a sigh. «I'm just... getting some wine,» he mumbled as he shuffled past me and headed to the kitchen. When he returned he was carrying two glasses, and proffered one to me.   
«Oh, thanks Richard, but I'm..»  
«Don't even start that with me right now. I'm not sitting here drinking alone over my marriage problems like a pathetic twat. Please?» He said, waving the glass in front of me. I took it from him, but put it resolutely down on the table.   
«Richard, no, I can't.»  
«You can drop the diet for just one glass or two, can't you? You going on a diet is ridiculous anyway, you look amazing. I've proved that, I literally forced myself on you earlier!» He pointed out, gesturing vaguely to the hallway.  
«Listen, I would've loved to have a glass of wine right now, I really would but... I can't.»  
«I'm not trying to get you drunk to get in your knickers,» he argued, and I let out a laugh.  
«I wasn't suspecting you of that...! Until now, that is!»  
«Good. Then have a drink?» He persisted.  
«Richard, I can't!»  
«Can't? What, are you pregnant or something?» He asked in an off-hand sort of way as he lifted his own glass to his mouth and had a sip. It was obvious that he didn't even expect an answer to that, he didn't believe I would be.  
«Weeeeell...» I said hesitantly. My brain had frozen completely and I was unable to come up with an excuse. I was running out of ways to wiggle out of the conversation or cover it up any longer. Richard choked on his wine and gave me the most quizzical and confused look I had ever seen in my life. «... a bit,» I shrugged stupidly, looking at the floor.   
«You're pregnant?!» He repeated loudly.  
«A little...» I conceded with a nod. As I tore my eyes up off the floor to look at Richard I felt how I was smiling, unable to stop myself.   
«You're just pulling my leg,» he snorted dismissively, shaking his head a little.  
«Richard, I wouldn't lie about something like that. Especially not just to get out of having to drink a glass of wine.» Shocked silence followed. Richard stared into space, wide-eyed, processing what I had just told him.  
«Wait a minute, hang on... Really?» He repeated, dumbfounded.  
«Yes!» I maintained, nodding eagerly.   
«Does James know about this?»  
«Of course he does! Jesus!»  
«I... wow...» he mumbled, taking another absentminded sip of his wineglass. «And he's... okay with it? With you being pregnant, I mean.» He asked after a while. I laughed a little at his hesitant, clumsy question, but I understood what he meant and why he was asking.   
«He wasn't at first. But to be fair, neither was I! We were both pretty much... freaking out.»  
«When did you find out about this?» Richard asked, resting back against the sofa and getting comfortable, finally seeming to relax a little.  
«I found out while you guys were in Africa. The nausea was unbelievable, at first I thought it was just a tummy bug. But tummy-bugs aren't limited from 8am until around noon each morning, they don't work like that. I took tests, I went to the doctor, I cried and was panicking more or less continuously for about two weeks. I couldn't tell James something like that on the phone while he was half the world away, so... I waited. From what I can understand that last part of your trip was pretty exhausting and awful, James was absolutely knackered when he came home. Which was probably the worst time in the world to tell him something like that. So he freaked and stormed out of the house..-» At this Richard interrupted me.   
«He did?!»  
«Wait for it, it gets worse,» I said with a sad little smirk, holding up a hand.   
«Uh-oh,» he mumbled darkly, sipping his wine.   
«In my hormone-soaked, mad little head, James storming out was the equivalent of him never wanting to see me again or throwing me out as soon as he got back. So I packed a huge suitcase and ran for it, to my sister's in Norway. Left all my keys at our house, disconnected my phone...» Richard gave a low whistle, shaking his head.  
«Jesus... So, you left him before he could leave you, was that it?» He asked, trying to make sense of it.   
«God knows, I had a million different causes or reasons for doing what I did, and it changed several times a day. I was just... very hurt, disappointed, I was exhausted and maybe even a tad psychotic, at least it felt like it. So I left because I was angry with him and wanted to punish him. Or because I honestly thought he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Or because I wanted to keep the baby, and was convinced he never would agree to that and I'd lose him over it anyway. I wondered if I had done him a favour, taking myself and my little 'problem' with me. And that by leaving I had closed the door on our relationship anyway and he would never want me back. See? A million reasons, most of the just illogical and... absurd.»  
«But you went back to London in the end?» Richard asked, looking as if he was on tenterhooks.  
«Um, no. I ended up in the hospital, actually. I wasn't eating or drinking enough, I was just too nauseous and miserable. Combine that with pregnancy-related anemia and you get one very, very weak woman who passes out on the sidewalk. At this point my sister was incredibly fed-up with me, she thought I was ridiculous and stubborn or possibly even mad. So she called James herself and he came to Norway, to the hospital. Which was probably a good thing, I was too weak to run away or kill him,» I snorted.   
«Are you okay now, though?» Richard eyed me with concern.   
«Oh, I'm fine,» I smiled gratefully. «They poured some blood and fluids into me and I was okay. My blood pressure had been low and my heart-rate a little erratic, hence my little swooning episode. I was reaching my second trimester so the nausea disappeared, and with James showing up I calmed down. We talked a lot, worked things out... I came home, and we decided to have this baby.»  
«I can't get over that James is becoming a father...» Richard mumbled. «I honestly thought he'd never have kids, he's always said he never would.»  
«Frankly I think he did, too! And I had accepted that, I was fine with it really. But suddenly life just happened and I found myself pregnant, and then... Abortion seemed like the last thing I wanted to do, but I thought I had to, that I would have to chose between James or this baby.»  
«See, you're wrong then, people can fundamentally change, James did! He said he didn't want kids, and now he's having one!» Richard argued.  
«Well... When we talked about this he said he never thought he'd be in a place in his life where he could have kids. He'd never met anyone he could imagine having children with, and he thought he never would. I was worried that he just said he wanted to keep this baby just so he could keep me, or make me happy, or... something. But I'm not worried about that any more, he seems genuinely happy and excited about it.» I was smiling from ear to ear again, and Richard cocked his head and aaaw'ed at me.   
«But that's... Amazing! I'm happy for you! Congratulations!» He said, put down his glass of wine and gave me a quick hug.  
«I shouldn't have told you any of this, you know,» I admitted. «James and I was supposed to keep this to ourselves for a while, at least until after I've had my ultrasound, and.. James probably wanted to tell you this himself...»  
«I won't breathe a word of it and I promise to act incredibly surprised,» Richard promised, hand on his heart. «So, when is your ultrasound? How far are you along?» He was practically bouncing up and down in the sofa now.  
«Ultrasound is December 2nd. And I'm fourt-- no fifteen weeks today actually,» I said, counting.  
«God, I remember when Mindy was pregnant with Izzy, that was such a... weird time. I was constantly terrified,» Richard mused, eyes sliding out of focus as he reminisced.  
«Believe me, so are we!» I laughed. A ping from my phone tore us out of our conversation. It was from James. 'Saw the photos on twitter. Had fun? He was careful with you, right? Miss you.' I shook my head and laughed. «It's James, he's worried that offroading and mudding isn't a suitable activity for an expectant lady,» I snorted. «Asking if you were 'careful with me'.» I added. At this Richard laughed out loud in that childish way only he can manage.   
«Really? He wrote that?!»   
«Something to that effect,» I confirmed. «Lately he's been incredibly overprotective, he's fussing over me constantly. I can barely get him out of the house, he even talked about cancelling this documentary. Basically he's nesting for dear life,» I snorted, and Richard giggled. «It's adorable though, I appreciate all his fussing.»  
«Well, you know how he gets. When James has made up his mind about something, made a decision to do something... He always gets excited about things he cares about, he gets completely carried away,» Richard observed.   
«I know....» I nodded. «That's one of the things I love about him, though. How incredibly... passionate and childishly excited he can be about things.»  
«I didn't think it was possible, but I feel like even more of a twat for kissing you now...» Richard admitted, staring into his wineglass. «I mean... You're pregnant. With my best mate.»  
«Which is why it was so bloody hard to stop you!» I retorted, feeling like I needed to make some admissions myself. «Do you have any idea what these pregnancy hormones are doing to me? I feel like a.. horny, 14 year old boy with a constant boner!» I complained, waving my arms. «And you're not a man it's easy to turn down, I'll tell you that much!»  
«Emily, that mental image is so disturbing,» he whined, rubbing his temples and shuddering. «But.. you know, thanks. I think.» The rest of the evening passed with the two of us talking, about relationships and marriages, and his marriage in particular. Richard was genuinely upset, terrified that his marriage would fall apart, and it was obvious that he had desperately needed someone to talk to. Now that he had, the floodgates opened and there was no shutting him up. All his fears and worries and regrets poured out of him, and I realised that emotionally he was a lot more torn up than I had thought. I tried to be as helpful as I could, giving him advice on how to try and fix it. Around midnight we were both yawning and decided to call it a night. Trailing after Richard up the stairs, I was just about to head off into the guestroom when I felt Richard's hand around mine, holding me back. «Emily... I don't want to sleep alone tonight,» he said quietly, almost like he was ashamed.   
«Richard, no...» I sighed heavily.   
«I meant just... sleeping, nothing more.»  
«I know, but.. I can't sleep in Mindy's bed, I just can't.» Somehow, the thought of crawling into Richard's and Mindy's bed, even if nothing happened, it would've just felt wrong. I wriggled my hand out of Richard's grasp, feeling guilty. Mostly because I understood him. He didn't want to feel alone tonight, he needed some sort of comfort and closeness, even if it was just friendly.   
«Oh. Okay...» Richard said, trying his best to sound understanding. «Night, then.» He turned on his heels and headed towards his own bedroom. I took a few steps towards the guestroom, and stopped in the doorway, grumbling at myself.   
«Richard,» I said and he stopped in his tracks, turning around to look at me. «Sleep in here, then.» Without waiting for a reply I entered the guestroom, took my jeans off and got into bed, leaving my top on. Richard appeared in the doorway, looking tentatively at me.   
«You sure...?»  
«Yeah, come on,» I said with a little smile. Richard got out of his own jeans and crawled under the covers. I held out an arm for him, and after a moments hesitation he inched up to me and rested his head on my shoulder. I ran my hand over his back a few times. «Better?»   
«Yeah... Thank you, Emily,» he mumbled, squeezing me a little.   
«It's okay. I know what it's like, feeling alone and abandoned, terrified you're losing the most important thing in your life. With that being said, if you try any funny business I will kick you in the plums.»  
«Duly noted,» Richard said, giggling his Goofy-like chuckle. Sighing contentedly he placed his hand on my tummy, caressing it a little. «You know, when James met you... I was so happy for him. He's always been a bit of an outsider, and even though he makes it seem like he wants to be, I know how lonely he's been. He's been on the sideline, watching as Jezza and I lived our busy family lives, having children, going on family holidays... I'm glad he gets to experience all that. And he couldn't have found a better person to do it with. You changed his life for the better.»   
«Aw...Thank you, Richard,» I said, swallowing back a lump in my throat, feeling genuinely touched. «Now get some sleep, yeah?»  
«Mm...» he mumbled tiredly, already dozing off.


	58. Chapter 58

Richard was still sleeping soundly when I woke up. My restless legs made it impossible to get any more sleep, so I quietly snuck out of bed, put on a pair of jeans and padded downstairs. At first I let the dogs out into the garden, then set about making breakfast. Right on time, Richard appeared in the kitchen doorway, tousle-haired and yawning.   
«Perfect timing! Breakfast is ready!» I smiled.   
«Something smells... incredible,» he observed, sitting down on a barstool by the kitchen counter.   
«You see, in our house, if someone is feeling a bit under the weather... We make banana pancakes!» I announced, flopping a pancake onto Richard's plate. «And if things get really bad.... We have chocolate sauce on it,» I continued, making a smiley on his pancake with the chocolate.   
«Wooooow!» Richard exclaimed, smiling from ear to ear. Grabbing his knife and fork he dove into his pancake. Still with his mouth full he mumbled: «I have never been more jealous of James in my entire life.»  
«Actually, he's better at making them than me. I don't know what he does, he refuses to tell me,» I said as I sat down to eat. Richard didn't have time to talk at all while he munched his way through the stack of pancakes. Finished eating, he straightened up and looked at me.   
«Ems, I have to ask... Are you going to tell James about... what happened?»  
«Honestly, I don't know. I'm not sure I see the point. It was just a few kisses, and I think telling him will do more hurt than good, frankly.» After Richard had fallen asleep the night before I had given it some thought. I felt guilty for what had happened. The fact that Richard had kissed me wasn't my fault, but I had kissed him back, and I hadn't pushed him away instantly, and that fact kept niggling at me. But should I tell James, just to relieve my own guilty conscience? What would that confession do to him, and to our relationship, not to mention the friendship between him and Richard? Would it do him any good at all to know? I hated the thought of keeping secrets from him, but this one just seemed so unimportant in the major scheme of things.  
«I know what you mean...» Richard agreed. «And in any case, if he should know about it, he should hear it from me and not you. It was my fault, it's me he should be angry with, not you, you don't deserve that.»  
«I don't know about that...» I mumbled, feeling another wave of guilt.  
«Oh stop it. I started it, I was the bastard here. Besides, you have your pregnant hormones to blame. I don't have any excuse.»  
«You have a penis?» I smirked, and Richard nodded slowly, considering this as an excuse. There was a little silence as Richard fiddled with his own hands. When he finally looked up from the floor he shot me a mischievous look, grinning boyishly.   
«At least I got to kiss you, find out what that was like,» he said proudly. I couldn't help but laugh as I shook my head exasperatedly, patting his knee. Then, not quite knowing what got into me I leaned forwards and gave him a slow, considered kiss, the last one I would ever give him.  
«You'll get over it,» I said as I pulled back, patting his knee again. Richard looked at me, wide-eyed and with his mouth hanging open.   
«No, I won't. You taste like chocolate-banana-pancakes. I can't get over that!» he complained. Then we both broke out laughing, somehow it had managed to break whatever uncomfortable tension there had been between us. Richard sighed sadly. «James is such a lucky man. He better remember that. If he doesn't, I'll be sure to remind him,» he said firmly.   
«Thank you,» I smiled as I slid off the barstool and began clearing up the kitchen. Contrary to the previous day the sun was shining outside, it was a crisp and clear November-day and we decided to take the dogs for a long walk before I headed back to London.   
“Do you know when Mindy is coming home?” I asked as I stood in the hallway, bag by my feet, ready to leave.   
“Hopefully tonight, the girls have school tomorrow,” he shrugged, looking so upset and lost I felt bad for leaving him.   
“Then she will, she won't let this affect the girl's everyday life. When she gets back, just... talk to her. More importantly, listen to her, try to figure out what she's really trying to say.”  
“Okay...” Richard nodded sadly.   
“And if you need someone to talk to, just give me a ring. Any time. Okay?”  
“You sure?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.   
“Of course. I care about you, and about Mindy. And as I said, I'm always there for my mates,” I assured him. He nodded again and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly.   
“Thank you. For.. everything,” he said quietly, and gave me a lingering kiss on the cheek before letting me go. “Drive safely. Take care of yourself, yeah? And the baby,” he smiled, trying to push away his own sadness.  
“I will,” I nodded as I slipped on my jacket and headed out into the car, headed back home. 

The next week I took on a few extra shifts at the hospital, taking care to not tell James about it. I needed the week to go by faster, I was restless and missed James a lot, and in stead of obsessing about it I decided to just occupy myself. Richard sent texts or called me a few times, needing some support or advice, even if he and Mindy had had some good talks when she had returned, and things seemed to have calmed down somewhat. The guilt of what had happened between him and me came and went, but I stuck to my decision of not telling James. I couldn't bear the thought of how he might react. It would hurt him, disappoint him, anger him...

The day James was coming home his flight didn't land until closer to midnight. I knew that if I tried to stay awake I would just pass out on the sofa anyway, my pregnancy was still causing me to be constantly tired. Hence I thought it best to just crawl into bed and sleep until he came home. I was woken by a warm cheek against mine, then a kiss to the mouth. James was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning over me. I had given him strict orders to wake me up when he came home, and he hadn't dared disobey me.   
“Hi, sweetheart,” I said groggily and wrapped heavy arms around him, hugging him back. “Welcome home.”  
“Hello... Mm, I've missed you,” he hummed against my neck. He gave me another kiss before straightening up a little. I barely saw him through the light from the hallway and I turned on the bedside lamp, squinting to focus on him.   
“I've missed you too,” I smiled.   
“I need a shower.. Then I'll come join you,” he said, also smiling.   
“Okay, baby...” I watched him as he got up and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. A minute of silence, then I heard the shower going. For a while I just lay there listening to the splashes of water from the bathroom, feeling how calmness spread throughout me now that I knew James was home again. Stretching a little I tried to wake myself up, not wanting to fall asleep again before he was back. I heaved myself out of bed and pulled on my top, then shuffled downstairs to get myself a drink. Having gotten a bottle of water out of the fridge I flicked on the iPad lying on the counter, quickly checking my mail and twitter while I drank. When I returned upstairs James was sitting in bed, glasses on his nose and phone in hand, obviously reading through his own mails and tweets. Hearing my footsteps he looked at me over the top of his glasses.   
“There you are,” he smiled, taking his glasses off and putting his phone down. Looking at me he frowned a little, then stretched out an arm towards me. “Hey, come here.” While I padded over the bedroom floor James kept looking at me, the expression on his face one I hadn't seen before, impenetrable and mysterious. As I reached him he put his palm on my stomach. “Look at you...” he said quietly, his eyes shooting up to look into mine before returning to my tummy.  
“Yeah, I know... I woke up one day and suddenly there was this... baby bump!” I said, throwing my arms out in mock surprise. James looked equally terrified, gob smacked and excited as he stared unblinkingly at me. My waist had gone through a little growth spurt while James had been away, I had happened so quickly I hadn't noticed it until suddenly some of my tightest pairs jeans wouldn't fit one morning. Crawling into bed I climbed over James and laid down, looking up at him. Leaning on one elbow he laid on his side, still mesmerized by the little bump on my tummy. “It's still pretty easy to hide with clothes...” I said as I pulled up my shirt and traced my palms over it. “I've felt pregnant for a while already, you know? Nauseous, tired, hormonal...”  
“...Horny...” James added with a quiet chuckle.  
“Yes, yes!” I said impatiently, blushing a little at the reminder. “But I haven't seen the difference before, not until now, and that's... strange.”  
“When I left two weeks ago I couldn't see it at all. It makes it a lot more... real,” James admitted, glancing quickly at me.   
“And more scary?” I asked kindly, running my hand through his hair.   
“Hmm, no. It's already scary,” he said with a smile. “But... I like it, too.” Lying down he rested his head on my shoulder. His warm, big palm was on my tummy again, protective and tender, getting to know this new shape my body was taking. I sighed happily and kissed his forehead, enjoying his caresses and his weight against me. “Can you... feel anything yet?” He asked, always looking timid and shy when he asked me anything about the pregnancy, as if he was asking about something too personal or private.  
“Mno, it's too early I think. First timers rarely feel anything until they're past week 20, maybe closer to 25. That's what I've read anyway. The thought of having something alive, moving inside me... I might blow a gasket the day I feel that, to be honest.” At this admission James laughed loudly.  
“I really can't blame you if you do, I would too!” He agreed.  
“A mate of mine back in Norway was genuinely terrified of pregnant women.”  
“What? Why?” James looked at me, frowning.   
“I guess he'd seen the Alien-movies one time too many, you know? He was expecting a little monster to burst out of there, I think.” James laughed loudly again, shaking his head.   
“You had really odd mates,” he chuckled, looking up at me.   
“Mm. But I like odd. That's why I'm with you,” I teased, pulling him closer and looking into his eyes. “I've missed you.”   
“I've missed you, too,” he said quietly, leaning in and giving me a long, considerate kiss. A pang went through me as I had a sudden flashback to the hallway, to the feeling of Richard's hands on me, his lips on mine. Not because I preferred that, or missed it. I didn't know why, maybe because being kissed by James reminded me of it, and the guilt shot through me once again. I kissed him back a little hurriedly and pulled back, clearing my throat.  
“How was your flight, then?”   
“It was okay... I slept most of the way. Now I don't know if it's night or day, and I doubt I'll be able to sleep any time soon,” he grumbled.   
“That's... inexperienced of you,” I teased. “Haven't you been to the states enough to have learned not to do that by now?”  
“I probably should have,” he sighed. “Going there I'm always fine, but coming back I'm jet-lagged for bloody weeks!”   
“I know, I was the same way when I went to California ages ago.”  
“So you know what it's like! Then be nice and understanding and stay awake with me,” he pouted.  
“Aaw, I'm sorry, pumpkin,” I apologised and rubbed my nose against his. We stayed up talking for a long time, mostly I let James talk about his trip to America while I listened quietly, playing absent-mindedly with his long hair. Lying next to James in our bed, having his arms around me and his hands caressing me, suddenly made me feel incredibly guilty for what had happened with Richard, much more than I thought it would. Privately I was fighting with myself, trying to reassure myself that the guilt would fade away, that telling him would do more bad than good, but I couldn't shake it. Eventually James picked up on it, and his constant flow of words ground to a halt.   
“You're being very quiet? Tired?” He asked, yanking me out of my preoccupied silence.  
“What? No, not tired, just... thinking.”  
“Something you want to talk about?” He asked after a moments hesitation.  
“That's... what I’m trying to figure out, actually,” I admitted.  
“Okay? That sounds a little... disconcerting...” James said, frowning a little.   
“I just... don't know if I should tell you. Or even if it's my place to tell you. I'd have to break some confidences to tell you the whole story, and... Frankly I'm worried that telling you and being honest will just do more damage than it'll do good.”  
“If that was meant to reassure me in any way, it really didn't...” James said, looking insecure and scared now.   
“I know, honey, I'm sorry...” Feeling restless and awkward I sat up in bed and crossed my legs. James sat up too, resting his back against the headboard, keeping quiet and waiting for me to start talking. I didn't even know where to begin, inwardly I was panicking and for some reason my brain decided to solve it by blurting out the worst thing first.  
“Richard kissed me, James.” The silence following these words were immense. James blinked rapidly a few times, shaking his head a fraction, as if he thought he'd gone mad.   
“He did?” He said in a voice that sounded completely alien for him.  
“He... kissed me. Last weekend when I went up to Herefordshire... Mindy and the girls weren't home. At first Richard said they were just gone for the weekend, you know, visit Mindy's parents.” James just nodded slowly, brows furrowed and not looking at me, trying to take it in. “Turns out they'd had a massive fight and she'd taken the girls with her, said she'd needed to get away. They've apparently been having some problems lately, and it's just gotten worse. And Richard, he was just... upset and confused and.. I don't know, desperate for some comfort I guess.”  
“... So he kissed you.” He repeated dazedly, still grappling with that fact.   
“Yeah, he did...” I nodded slowly, fiddling with the sheets. “He was... torn up over it, after it happened, and really sorry. He said that if anyone should tell you it should be him because he felt he was the one you should be mad at, not me.”  
“Was he drunk?” James asked feebly, as he was trying to search for some redeeming aspects to his best mate's behaviour.   
“Mno, we'd just come in from off-roading.” I eyed James nervously, wondering what was going on in his head. When he didn't say anything I felt the need to keep talking. “I think he was just... Scared, and feeling lonely, and.. well, being very upset. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him, and maybe I am, but... I kind of understand him, you know? We've all done stupid and illogical things when feeling like that, at least I know I have.” James still didn't say anything, just looked at me quickly then looked away again, his mind obviously racing. Unable to bear it any longer I took his hand. “James, tell me what you're thinking? Either you're taking this unnervingly well or is this just the quiet before the storm?” I asked, squeezing his hand a little.   
“I'm just... very surprised” he said, frowning more at himself than anything else.  
“When it happened, I was so.. shocked and surprised, I completely froze, I.. pushed him away, but not right away...” I warbled, my bottom lip trembling. James hadn't raised his voice or said one hostile word so far, and even so the guilt seemed to be tearing me apart. “For what it's worth, I'm really sorry about it. And I know he is, too...”   
“Hey, hey, hey...” James said quietly, taking my hand and squeezing it, making me look at him. Whatever he saw in my eyes, guilt or remorse or shame, made him sit up straight and wrap his arm around me, pulling me close.   
“I'm sorry...” I sobbed, closing my eyes and burying my head against his shoulder, hiding away from him.  
“It's okay, Emily, I'm not angry with you, I promise...” He reassured me calmly, squeezing me tighter. Tears still streaming down my face I sniffed loudly, looking up at him.   
“...no?” I squeaked, unable to hide the disbelief in my own voice. At this James even chuckled a little.   
“Yes, I know, even I think it's a little strange! But no, I'm not angry,” he repeated, kissing my wet cheek once. “I've known Richard has a soft spot for you for a while now, I've known him long enough to know when he gets... infatuated with someone. He doesn't hide it well, and he does it often. I didn't think he'd act on it, mind.”  
“But... How can you not be mad? If it was me I'd be seething with jealous,” I admitted.   
“Of course I'm jealous. But I also know you're sorry about it. And at least you told me and were honest, even if I know you probably had decided not to tell me initially.” At this my head shot up from James' shoulder.   
“And even knowing that, you're not mad?” I asked incredulously.   
“No... Because I know the reason why you didn't want to tell me was to protect me. But you decided to be honest with me instead, and I really appreciate that.” For a moment I just stared at James, utterly gob-smacked.   
“I... You... I couldn't have fallen in love with a better man,” I sniffed, collapsing into him and wrapping my arms around him. He hugged me tight and kissed the side of my head.   
“Want to know the truth, Emily?” James mumbled, feeling the need to be completely honest himself.  
“Mm,” I hummed, too busy enjoying his hug and the relief washing through me to register what he had really said.   
“Richard called me the day after you went home, telling me about.. everything,” James said, still hugging me. I froze and sat up, shooting him an incredulous stare. “Well, he didn't mention his marriage problems, but I've suspected that something was up, even if he hasn't said something to me about it. But he admitted to kissing you, the guilt was driving him up the wall. And like you said, he felt like he should take the brunt of it, not you.” After a moment's silence in which I just stared at him, he cleared his throat and spoke again. “So I've.. had a little time to think about it. At first I was upset and jealous and all the rest of it, but... I know Richard, what he's like... He did a mistake, we all make those, and now he's said sorry and tried to make up for it. And with what you just told me it's easier to understand why it happened.”  
“What did Richard say was the reason it happened?”  
“I think his exact words was 'I have a stupid crush on your girlfriend and thought with the wrong head.' Or something to that effect.” James barely managed to keep a straight face as he recounted this, and I giggled. “Wouldn't be the first time he let his penis do his thinking for him,” James added with amused exasperation. “Richard also told that you didn't want to tell me, and the reasons behind it. So I was a little surprised that you did.”   
“I'm sorry, I just... I was so scared of how you'd react, and I hated the thought of hurting you or.. disappointing you and..” James held up a hand to stop me rambling excuses.   
“It's okay, I understand. You wanted to protect me, and you wanted to protect Richard. I get it,” he said kindly. Again I found myself staring at him, dumbfounded at his calmness, his understanding and his wisdom.  
“I'll say it again, I couldn't have fallen in love with a better man. I can't believe how well you're handling all of this...”  
“You know, I can handle things well, emotionally, if I just... get some time to process it first,” James said, half-joking. “Besides... Richard is a skirt-chaser and you're hopped up on horny hormones, I'm just thankful you two didn't shag each other!”  
“Don't even joke about that!” I said, punching him weakly in the shoulder. Then I collapsed into him again, wrapping my arms around him and showering him with kisses. “It's you I want, anyway. And only you.”


	59. Chapter 59

It had been coming on all day, gradually building inside me, an avalanche just waiting to happen. After James and I had decided to have this baby, and I had allowed myself to be a little excited and happy about it, working with babies had turned into a joy again. Tragedies were bound to happen in a ward that took care of premature and sick newborns, but ever since I had started back at work we'd had mostly happy endings. But that day we had gotten a baby boy who looked absolutely perfect, apart from having all his insides on the outside. He had been delivered prematurely by C-section when they discovered that he had most of his intestines on the outside of his body. They were going to try and fix it through surgery eventually, but his outlook was anything but positive. Seeing it had sent me reeling, my thoughts going into overdrive. It was horrible trying to comfort and support parents who were in absolute despair, when all I could think of were my own fears. They had been in the same situation I was, nervous but excited and happy about having their first child. And now they didn't even know if he would survive. Thankfully I had managed to keep a professional appearance most of the day, but walking home the emotional chaos was revving up inside me, spinning out of control. I made it inside the front door, but as it slammed shut behind me I lost the ability to walk, or even to think, the fear completely paralysed me. My legs no longer willing to carry me they buckled, and I sank down onto the floor, my back against the door. In the distance I heard James' voice, I knew he'd be home, most likely writing in his study.  
“Emily? You home? I thought I heard the d--” His voice came closer then stopped abruptly. I looked up just in time to see him rushing towards me. Swooping down onto his knees in front of me he studied me intently, patting me down as if he was checking that I was whole. “Emily! What's going on? Did something happen? Are you hurt?” I felt his hands on my upper arms, shaking me a little.   
“I'm.. okay...” I gulped, trying to breathe.   
“No, you bloody well aren't,” James mumbled. “Come on, off the floor, you can't sit here, it's drafty by the door,” he said calmly. Strong hands hooked under my arms and heaved me upwards. As James supported me through the hallway and into the living room I had a flashback to when he had supported me in much the same way when I had pneumonia, back when we had just been friends. I clung to him, feeling like my knees would buckle and I'd fall to the floor if I didn't. Reaching the sofa James sat down with me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me tight. For a while he let me cry, but his concern made him impatient. “Emily, has something happened? Is it the baby?”  
“No...” I sobbed, blindly shaking my head. “I'm... scared,” I managed to sob eventually.  
“Scared? What for?” James asked kindly, kissing my forehead.   
“About tomorrow...”  
“Tomorrow...?” He repeated nonplussed. After a minute it clicked. “What, the ultrasound?” At this I just nodded, letting out a half-choked sob. I felt his arms close tighter around me again. Drawing a deep breath I tried to pull myself together, at least enough to be able to talk. Quickly I wiped my face with my sleeve and looked up at James. Concerned, but calm and kind eyes met mine. “What are you so afraid of, love?” He asked mildly, running a hand over my hair.  
“I'm terrified something will be wrong with the baby, I'm sure there's something wrong with it! What if it has like.. three heads, or a tail or... or has no legs? Maybe it'll have Downs something that'll make it handicapped for life, or some serious heart condition, or... What if it's not even alive?” As I spoke I couldn't hold the tears back, but I spoke through them, sniffling and sobbing in between sentences.  
“Ssssh, Emily... You can't think like that, you'll drive yourself mad. How can you be so sure there is something wrong?”  
“The day before you went to Africa, I'm sure I had like an entire bottle of wine. And I probably had alcohol before that, too. And I smoked! And then, when the nausea started... I didn't take care of myself, I didn't eat, I was constantly upset and stressed. I had so many awful thoughts in my head! I was dehydrated and anaemic and had heart arrhythmia and... What if that damaged the baby, what if I hurt it somehow? All the stress and emotional chaos and the way I treated myself?” I collapsed into James again, crying so hard I couldn't talk any longer.  
“Emily, stop it.” James said firmly. When he spoke he sounded calm and rational, trying his best to help me see some sense. “I can't imagine you're the only woman in the world who happened to have alcohol right before they found out they were pregnant! My guess is that would apply to most modern women who has ever had children – and the vast majority of those babies turned out normal. Some wine and a few cigarettes hasn't necessarily caused any harm at all. You had a very rough start to this pregnancy, but your body prioritizes this baby, even if you didn't manage take care of yourself as well as you would have wanted to, your body took care of this baby to the best of its ability.”  
“What if it's my fault? What if I caused something to go wrong?” I wailed against his shirt, unable to take in any of James' reassurances. He hugged me tighter again, but then he pushed me away a little, holding me by my upper arms.  
“Emily, look at me. Stop it, and look at me,” he said. Hearing the sternness in his voice I gave a final sob and straightened up to look at him, feeling like he wasn't giving me a choice. “First of all – breathe,” he ordered, staring at me pointedly until I actually took a deep breath. “Good. And again... Has it crossed your mind that the baby might be perfectly fine?” I stared back at James, blinking slowly. My lack of an answer was answer enough for James. “You made it past the first three months. If there was something wrong, chances are you wouldn't have gone this far. You heard the heartbeat, the doctor said it sounded good and strong, and you heard that for yourself. Emily... If the baby is just fine, which it will be, then panicking like this, getting this hysterical and stressed isn't good for the baby, or for you.” Out of all the things James had said to try and calm me down, that last sentence what was really hit home. He was right, if the baby was perfectly fine, I was causing it stress by becoming so upset and letting my fear get the better of me. I hung my head a little and gave a resigned sniff.   
“I... I'm sorry..” I mumbled, feeling stupid and awkward. The rush of fear and emotions had been so overwhelming I was still trembling. Wrapping my arms around him I hugged him tight. “This is just so fucking scary, James.”  
“I know... But getting this worked up won't do any of you any good. All right? Tomorrow is the ultrasound, and then we'll know for sure. Meanwhile, you need to try and calm down, sweetheart...” He said, patting my back, feeling how I was still shaking against him.  
“Okay...” I sniffed, nodding against his cheek. Pulling back from me James looked calm, but determined. He got out of the sofa and stretched out a hand. “Come with me.” I took his hand and followed him compliantly, grateful that he was so calm and seemingly in control when I managed to be neither. Holding my hand he lead me upstairs, and I half expected him to lead me to the bedroom so he could lie next to me and hold me until I'd calmed down. Instead he turned and lead me into the bathroom. He let go of my hand to turn on the water in the bathtub, feeling the temperature, before finding a bottle of lavender oil in 'my' cupboard and poured some in. I watched him with a puzzled frown, surprised that he even knew that bottle existed, let alone where to find it. Pedantically he put the lavender oil back in its rightful place, then turned to face me and undid the button on my cardigan. He was unhurried and calm as he took off my top and bra. I supported myself with hands on his shoulders as he knelt down to take off my jeans, socks and my knickers. The smell of lavender and the heat from the water filling up the bathtub spread in the room. James straightened up and pointed to the bathtub.   
“Get in.” Without a word I took his hand for support and climbed into the bathtub, then let my body sink into the warm, fragrant water. James found a soft towel and rolled it up, placing it behind my neck for support. “Want me to make you a cup of tea?” He asked quietly.   
“No, thanks. Just... stay here with me,” I croaked, my voice hoarse from crying.   
“Okay,” he said quietly, then knelt down by the side of the bathtub, leaning both arms on the edge of the tub and resting his chin on his arms. Tranquil, blue eyes watched me quietly. I drew a deep, slow breath and closed my eyes, feeling how the warmth of the water, the smell of lavender and James' presence gradually calmed me down. Still resting his head on his own arm, he stretched out a hand and placed it on my tummy underneath the water, caressing it gently. His touch calmed me down even further. “Feel better?” He asked after a long silence.   
“Mm, yes,” I hummed quietly, smiling a little. “This was a very, very good idea, love.” My hand found his underneath the water and I intertwined my fingers with his.  
“It was the best thing I could think of to try and get you to relax...” James mumbled, almost as if he was a little embarrassed.   
“If I'm honest, I never would've thought that you would draw me a lavender-scented bath,” I giggled, and James blinked rapidly as he blushed a little.   
“Don't tell anyone that I did. But it worked, didn't it?” He said a little defiantly.   
“Yes, baby, it did. Thank you. I'm sorry if I scared you. And for losing it so completely, and going all... hysterical hormonal woman on you,” I apologised, squeezing his hand.   
“Don't worry about it. It's natural to be scared and worry about those things, I guess. Don't you think everyone goes through that? I've been worried too, but I decided I was just going to wait for the ultrasound and hope for the best.”  
“Yeah, I guess all pregnant women goes through this. And their partners. There was this baby boy at work today, he was born with all his insides on the outside, it just... terrified me.”   
“Are you sure working in that place is good for you right now?” He asked mildly, looking worried. “You don't have to work, you know.”  
“I don't know, I'm starting to wonder,” I admitted. “I just think I'll go bonkers if I have to stay at home and do nothing until May! Lately we've had pretty... happy cases, you know? But this thing today... ”  
“Try not to think about it any more, all right? Not now. We'll know tomorrow,” he said firmly.   
“Okay, I'll try,” I promised with a weak smile, then I sat up and gave him a grateful kiss. “Thank you so much, for everything.”  
“Everything?” James asked, frowning.  
“For being the calm and sensible counterpart to my hysterical, hormonal emotional roller-coaster and putting up with me when I have wobblers like these...” I began and he chuckled a little. “And for handling the thing with Richard so well.. And for everything else you've done for me lately, you've been so good with me, taking care of me, you've been so patient, so understanding and supportive.”   
“Well... I'm doing all of this now in the hope that maybe I can get out of changing poopy diapers later?” He said, biting his lip innocently and raising quizzical eyebrows at me.   
“Nice try, but noooot a chance,” I laughed, splashing a little water at him.   
“Bugger!” He exclaimed. I laughed some more and ran my hand over his cheek, feeling the hint of stubble under my fingertips. He closed his eye to my touch.  
“You'll make such a good father, James.” At this he opened his eyes and looked at me.   
“Thank you,” he said quietly, and leaned over to give me a long, tender kiss. Still being kissed I pulled on his shoulders, trying to bring him out of balance.   
“Come in here with me?” I giggled against his lips.   
“As tempting as that is, both of us wouldn't fit in there. And I've already had a shower today, thank you!” He chuckled. For a while we just chatted quietly about everyday things, and I felt myself returning to a somewhat normal state of mind. The mind-numbing fear and panic from earlier was gone as if it had never been there, now all I felt was comfortable and safe. Just as I was thinking that the water was getting cold, James straightened up a little. “Ready to get out of there?” I nodded and James got up to pull a big, fluffy towel out of a cupboard. Like a gentleman holding a lady's hand when getting out of carriage, he held my hand as I got up and climbed out of the tub. He draped he fluffy towel over my head and shoulders and wrapped it around me. He rubbed it over my head to dry my hair and we both giggled, then he ran his hands over my arms and back to dry me off. I stared at him, mesmerized by him, by his quiet concentration and his tenderness, by his blue eyes and silver-streaked hair. I took a step closer to him and stood on tippy-toes, stretching my neck, trying to reach his lips. Realising what I wanted he leaned down a little and I kissed him slowly and tenderly. I let the towel slide past my shoulders and fall to the floor, pressed my naked body against him and deepened my kiss a little, running my tongue over his bottom lip. Still kissing him I slipped my hands under his shirt, on the hunt for bare skin. Instinctively James closed his arms around my naked body. I felt how his lips curled into a little smile and he shook his head a little.   
“Half an hour ago you were having a full blown panic attack,” he observed dryly.   
“And you did such a good job of comforting me and calming me down that I've gone from panic-attack to relaxed and… horny,” I retorted. “Besides, you were the one that took my clothes off.”  
“You're hopeless,” he muttered in mock exasperation.   
“I'm pregnant, I'm allowed to be a little mental. And I'm just so... very... in love with you,” I breathed back. Leaning in, he took my lips in a lazy kiss and his hands slid down my lower back, taking my bum in a firm grasp. Taking his answer and his actions as a green light I quickly unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off his shoulder and down his arms, then tugged his t-shirt over his head. Kissing slowly we stumbled through to the bedroom while I tried to undo his belt and unbutton his jeans. Reaching the bed I tugged on his jeans and boxers and it fell to the floor. Still kissing him I crawled onto the bed on my knees, pulling him after me. Just the feel of his warm, soft skin against mine made my heart race and my breath quicken. I felt James' fingertips on my back, feather-light, tracing my spine and the curve of my bum, hip and thigh.   
“Turn around”, he breathed against my lips. His command made my stomach swoop with anticipation, not knowing what he was going to do or what was going to happen. Willingly I turned around, my back against his chest. Gently he guided me down on my stomach and parted my legs slightly to make room for himself. I hadn't even tried lying on my tummy since it had started to grow, but it wasn't big enough to get in the way. Yet. Waiting expectantly, I felt James' weight on me, his arms either side of me. His fingers brushed my damp hair out of the way, then I felt his mouth on my back, between my shoulder-blades. Slowly he trailed soft, but sensual kisses down my spine, inching his way down the bed as he went. I sighed audibly, almost purring beneath him, enjoying the attention and being showered in kisses. James went slowly, kissing and nipping at my lower back. His hair brushed lightly over my skin as he moved his head, I imagined it falling over his face as he was leaning over me, almost tickling me. His hand brushed lightly over my bum and down the inside of my thigh, my skin so sensitive I felt goosebumps blossom under his palm as he grazed places where the skin was extra thin. I was hugging a pillow, sensing how his touches and kisses were slowly building up my need and want for him, the anticipation in me mounting. His mouth disappeared, but I could feel his breath against my hypersensitive skin as he hovered over me, moving even further down the bed. I was distracted by his hand trailing up and down the inside of my thigh, and I gave a little squeal of surprise when I felt James bite teasingly, and a little hard, at my bum, before kissing it softly. “Hmm... I do love your bum,” he admitted in a low, husky voice. “It's bloody fantastic. I've never given it the appreciation it deserves.” His hand slid up to grab one buttock, firmly kneading it, while he kissed the other buttock, sometimes dragging his teeth over the skin. It was difficult to keep up with all the different sensations, the hard pinches of his palm kneading me, the soft, wetness of his lips and tongue, the feathery feeling of his hair on my skin, the sharp sensation of his teeth against my skin. I moaned softly into the pillow, squirming under him, feeling how I grew increasingly wetter and warmer. Without even thinking I spread my legs even more when I felt him slide down the bed a little further, focusing his kisses and his hands on the backs and insides of my thighs. I arched my back a little, willing to touch my pussy with his hand or his mouth, which didn't matter. James stubbornly kept his caresses and kisses to the backs of my thighs, being deliberately slow now. Impatiently I slid my arm underneath my own body, slipping my hand in between my own legs. I couldn't bare it any longer, I couldn't wait, I needed to be touched or I'd go mad. An involuntary wince escaped me as I ran my fingertips over my clit, rubbing it slowly. “Hmm... I'm torn between taking over, or keep watching you do that...” James breathed against the back of my thigh.   
“Well, if you're not going to take over, I sure as hell isn't going to stop,” I huffed frustratedly. He chuckled quietly, then bit the back of my thigh.  
“So demanding...” He mumbled. But his hand slid up the inside of my thigh, and I breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't stop until his fingers found my clit. I removed my own hand and clutched the sheets in stead, moaning louder into the pillow. Needing more I arched my back again, pressing my pussy against his hand. I was so preoccupied with James' fingers against my clit I barely registered that he was shifting his weight on the bed, inching upwards again. As he trailed kisses over my bum, lower back and spine I felt his cock press against my thigh and eventually my bum, and I rocked gently back against him, increasing the pressure. His fingers disappeared from my pussy for a moment, but only so he could wrap his arm around my waist and slip it underneath me, resuming the rubbing of my clit. When his mouth reached my shoulders he laid still, nuzzling and kissing the back of my neck. His arm was trapped underneath me, and his cock was digging into my bum, his precum sticking to my skin. A little harder this time, I pushed my bum up against him, causing more friction, desperate to have him inside me. James used his own legs to spread mine further apart, then he took hold of my hips, making me arch my back a little and angle my hips.   
“Oh god, James..!” I moaned loudly as he pushed himself into me from behind. Fully inside me he laid completely still, his breathing heavy against the back of my neck. Carefully I rocked back against him, not used to this position and not knowing how much room we had to move. He was supporting himself on his arms, his weight resting on my pelvis. When James began to move his hips, thrusting into me, I laid still, bending one leg at the knee to feel him deeper inside me. I threw my head back, moaning with every thrust, fists curled up tightly around handfuls of sheets.   
“Fuck, Emily, this feels so good...” he huffed, thrusting faster.   
“It feels... amazing...” I gasped, meeting his movements by rocking back a little against him, cautiously so I wouldn't break our rhythm. James bent lower over me, supporting himself on elbow. His slid his free hand underneath me, kneading my breast roughly. My nipple was rock hard and he pulled at it a little with his fingers, causing me to moan louder. Letting go of my breast he managed to slip one arm underneath me again, his finger finding my clit again. I moaned loudly again, not knowing which sensation to focus on, I wanted to rock back on his cock just as much as I wanted to rub my clit against his fingers. “I'm.. gonna come if you do that..!” I warned with a huff.  
“That's the point!” He huffed back, almost completely out of breath. I understood that he was close, just as close as I was. Moaning his name I raised myself on my arms a little so I could push harder back against him. My breasts were bouncing up and down, almost uncomfortably so, and the sound of our bodies pounding into each other mixed with our moans and heavy breathing. I heard a sharp intake of breath right before James seized up for a second, then he groaned loudly as he began thrusting even harder, his climax obviously peaking. As the orgasm rose within my own body I shut my eyes tightly, throwing my head back. I moaned his name in long, drawn-out howls of pleasure, twitching and trembling underneath him. Unable to hold his own body weight with just one arm any longer, James collapsed on top of me. His arm was still trapped underneath me, his hand against my pussy. We were both breathing raggedly. I rocked gently back against him a few times, both wincing quietly at how sensitive we were as we were enjoying the very last remnants of our orgasms. Coming back to my own senses I hummed happily, feeling how I was smiling widely. Slipping my hand underneath my own body I traced it along his arm until I found his hand resting between my legs. I interlaced my fingers with his, squeezing his hand. He kissed the back of my neck, trailing his lips up to that sensitive spot underneath my ear. He brushed his tongue over it, so lightly that it tickled and I giggled, squirming underneath him. With a low groan James moved a little, lying down next to me on his stomach, but still half-draped over me, his leg over mine and his arm on my back. I opened my eyes to look at him for the first time in what felt like a strangely long time.   
“Hi...” I breathed almost blushing as I looked into his eyes.   
“Hello, beautiful,” he whispered back with a smile, running his fingertips lightly along my spine again.   
“That was so... “ I began, but was at a loss for words. Apparently James was too, as he just nodded and leaned in a little closer, brushing his nose against mine.   
“I know...” he said, even more quietly than before, then he gave me a long, tender kiss. I closed my eyes to his kiss.   
“I love you.” My voice was barely audible as I whispered against his lips. Opening my eyes I looked at him dazedly. “What would I do without you? I can never live without you,” I said sincerely.   
“That's good, because you're never getting rid of me, I'm afraid,” James said with a little smile.


	60. Chapter 60

An audible crack came from James' hand as I held it in a vice-like grip, my eyes tightly shut and facing away from the screen, bracing for the awful news. Without even being aware of it, I was holding my breath, the fear threatening to consume me again.  
“Emily, it's okay, you can look now, everything is fine, the baby is alive and healthy.” Beatrice's voice was filled with a mixture of amusement and sympathy as she spoke.  
“Really?” I asked, eyes still tightly shut, but I lessened my grip on James' hand a fraction.  
“Yes, everything looks perfect. The right amount of arms and legs, fingers and toes, all in their proper place,” she assured me. I opened one eye, squinting at the screen.  
“No tail or... anything?” I asked timidly. At this question Beatrice laughed loudly.  
“No, no tail or other inappropriate appendages,” she said, patting my knee. Slowly I opened both of my eyes to look at the screen. On it I could see the ghostly outline of a baby, its head slightly too big for the rest of it's body. I saw its spine, and an arm flailing around, its legs curled up against its body.   
“Is it really okay?” I asked dazedly.  
“Yes. Look, it's even sucking its thumb,” she said, pointing at the screen. Finally I allowed myself to break into a smile, feeling the relief washing through me. Beatrice pressed a few buttons and that squelchy, static sound of the baby's heartbeat could be heard. The baby flailed around and Beatrice had to chase it with the ultrasound probe. “Oh no, it's getting away..!” She said in mock horror and I laughed loudly. “Active little thing! Everything looks exactly like it should, heartbeat sounds great. He or she is a little on the small side, but that's to be expected considering the rough start you had. Besides, you're not exactly a giant either,” she added, looking pointedly at me.  
“Yeah, I come from a family of midgets...” I sighed, still not taking my eyes off the monitor. Beatrice had taken a few stills, and put one up on the screen.  
“I'll go print out a few of these for you.” Beatrice said as she took the probe away and habitually handed me tissues to wipe the gel off. “And I'll give you two some privacy. Take as much time as you need,” she said as she got up, patted my shoulder and exited the room, closing the door behind her. I cleaned the gel off and pulled my top down again, then sat up on the bench I had been lying on. James was still staring at the screen, his face half-hidden by his hair.  
“James?” I wrapped my hand around his, squeezing it gently to get his attention. He turned slowly to face me, and the look on his face was something I hadn't expected. His mouth was a little open, his bottom lip trembling a little, his eyes brimming with tears. “Aw, honey...” I said, squeezing his hand once more. He blinked a few times and a tear ran down his face, he quickly averted his eyes and looked at the floor, his jaw trembling some more. “Happy tears?” I asked gently. Still staring at the floor he nodded, then took a step forward and buried his face against my shoulder and neck, hiding as well as searching for comfort. I wrapped my arms around him, patted his back and kissed his temple. The reaction I was seeing in James had surprised me, I had thought I was the one who was going to break down crying. But I understood him, understood why he was reacting this way. Seeing his child, and hearing its heartbeat, had been a lot more significant for James than he had been prepared for, it had overwhelmed him and brought him out of balance. I also suspected that he had been a lot more afraid of something being wrong than he admitted to, and that the relief he was feeling was also a reason behind him becoming so emotional. When James had composed himself he sniffed and straightened up a little. Arms still wrapped around me he leaned his forehead against mine. “You okay?” I asked.  
“Yeah, I'm... just fine,” he whispered and broke out into a little smile. “I swear your pregnant hormones are catching,” he said with a watery chuckle, quickly wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. I giggled at him and ran my hand over his hair.  
“They are pesky, those hormones, huh?” I said sympathetically, and wiped his other cheek with my thumb. He nodded.  
“Yeah... I'm all right, it's just... That was a very special thing to see. And hear,” he admitted.  
“I know.” I kissed him lovingly. “Now stop sobbing, man up and let's get out of here,” I said loudly, patting his chest and straightening up. James rewarded me with his loud, duck-like laughter.

After we got out of the doctor's office we went out for lunch, feeling like we could breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the baby was healthy. The café was very busy and crowded, so we tried our best not to talk about the pregnancy as long as we were there, both a little paranoid that someone would overhear and it would get out before we'd had a chance to tell our friends and family. Returning home I went upstairs to change out of my jeans, which had become uncomfortably tight lately, and with a sigh I came to the conclusion that I would have to go out and buy new clothes soon, bigger jeans and eventually maternity clothes. Feeling more comfortable in a pair of baggy sweats I went downstairs and made tea for both of us. James was staring at his phone when I entered the living-room.  
“What are you up to?” I asked curiously as a landed next to him on the sofa.  
“I was looking at our baby,” James said, smiling proudly as he showed me the ultrasound still on his phone. Beatrice had sent us the images on our phones as well as given us paper copies. She knew better than anyone how expectant parents tended to stare soppily at ultrasound images several times a day, especially first-timers.  
“Aaw. Aren't you the cutest dad-to-be ever!” I giggled and he blushed a little, putting the phone away. I inched up to him, wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder. His arm closed around me and he caressed my upper arm. “I feel so much calmer, knowing that everything seems okay. I feel like I can breathe now.”  
“Yeah, I know, I do too,” he sighed, kissing my forehead.  
“You know... Maybe we should start telling people soon? I mean, we know the baby is okay now, and I'm only going to get bigger and it'll just get more difficult to hide.”  
“Yeah, I think you're right, we should,” he agreed. “I was thinking maybe we could throw a party? Invite everyone we want to tell?”  
“Really?” I asked, a little surprised, pulling back to look up at him with a frown. “...I didn't think big announcements were your kind of thing.”  
“I wouldn't know if it's 'my kind of thing' or not, I've never done this before!” He retorted with a hint of sarcasm.  
“No?”  
“Announced that I'm becoming a father? No!” He said exasperatedly. “There are certain things in life you announce to people, like: 'I'm getting married', 'I'm getting divorced', 'I'm gay', 'I've been chosen to join the space programme' or, you know... 'we're having a baby'. And I've never done any of those, or any sort of big announcement.” At this I chuckled and nodded understandingly. “You know, when we moved in together... That happened so quickly, and we never really announced that to anyone. I sometimes wish we did, because to me that was a big and important thing. This time I thought it would be nice to gather all the people who are important to us, make a big thing out of it and celebrate a little, because this is a big thing,” he explained. Hearing him talk so excitedly about this made me smile, the happiness washing through me.  
“I want that, too.”  
“Okay,” he nodded, his face breaking out into a grin. “I'll sort out everything; I don't want you to get all stressed out over this. You can just... sit on your arse and point and order me around.”  
“Oh-ho-ho, you have no idea what you just agreed to!” I guffawed, rubbing my hands together menacingly. We quickly made a list of people we wanted to invite: Jezza and Richard with their wives, of course, and friends of James' like Simmy, Colin, his manager Fiona and a few other friends, including his sisters. I decided to invite Kellie, Cathy from my previous job and my friend Wendy from the ward I was working now. My family back in Norway already knew, and I understood that they would wait until the baby was born to come visit. When we had finished our guest-list, James immediately started calling people. Planning this party we had realised we needed to have it as soon as possible, Christmas was coming up and we wanted to tell everyone before the holidays, and preferably before the huge, annual Top Gear Christmas party on December 20th, which didn't leave us with much time. Having made the round of calls, James had found out that most people could miraculously make it, if we held the party little over a week later.

A few days after our ultrasound, I was enjoying a particularly lazy Sunday. December-London was grey and cold, giving me the perfect excuse to stay inside under a blanket. James had been preoccupied and quiet all day, mostly keeping to himself in his study or in his garage, writing or tinkering away. Knowing that he had days just like I had, where he just needed personal space and to be left alone, I let him be. I had learned enough about James by now to know that he didn't always tell me everything that was on his mind. The more I got to know him, the more I realised that he probably revealed far less of his innermost thoughts than I was aware of. Why he didn't, I wasn't quite sure of. James had always been very protective with me, trying to shield me from anything that might upset me. Maybe he didn't want to bother me, or burden me or make me upset. He had told me had always felt like a bit of a loner, and he had probably never lived or been so close to anybody before in his entire life, he was still getting used to it. So I left him alone, hoping that he would come talk to me if he needed it, if needed some support. Late that evening he came in from the garage, greasy and dirty, and headed straight upstairs for a shower. I finished watching the episode of Castle I had been barely paying attention to, then switched off the telly thinking I would go to bed. Entering the bedroom I noticed the door through to the bathroom was open. James was standing in front of the mirror in his boxers, hair still damp from the shower. He was staring at his own reflection in the mirror, deep in thought, looking troubled. He was so preoccupied he didn't even notice me as I approached him until he saw my reflection in the mirror. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and kissed the back of his shoulder tenderly.  
“Penny for your thoughts?” I asked kindly. He drew a deep breath and sighed heavily.  
“I'm too old to become a dad, Emily,” he said. His eyes met mine in the reflection, they were full of sadness and worry. “I mean, look at me... I'm fat, and wrinkly, and my hair is grey, my whole body creaks like an old wooden house and I have a bad back and...”  
“Hey, hey, hey,” I said firmly, trying to stop James' worried ranting. This was so typical of him, he wouldn't talk about something that was troubling him, and when he finally did everything came pouring out of him like a dam had just broke inside him. Grasping him by the shoulders I forced him around to face me, taking him away from obsessing over his own reflection in the mirror. When his eyes met mine he looked apologetic, but mostly just very sad. “Aaw, sweetheart...” I cupped his face in my hand, caressing his cheek with my thumb. Briefly he closed his eyes to the gentle touch. “Come here.” Taking him by the hand I lead him into the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling him down next to me. He fiddled with his own hands, looking upset. To comfort him I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, running my fingers calmly through his damp hair. “James... When this baby looks at you, it isn't going to see any of those things, you know? It'll just see... dad. You're just going to be cuddly, safe, silly, long-haired daddy, with the weird laugh and the squishy tummy.” At this James chuckled sadly, but he still looked worried. “James, do you feel old?”  
“I... yes, I do, sometimes. Especially in the mornings...” He said quietly, not looking at me.  
“James, that doesn't count! Everyone feels old in the morning! I spend the first hour of every single day feeling a thousand years old! That wasn't what I meant, though.”  
“Jezza and Richard say I'm ancient all the time,” he argued, a sulky quality to his voice now.  
“Oh that's bollocks, and you know it. They call you that because you're calm, you're sensible – well most of the time anyway, and you're pedantic, you think things through. Basically, everything they are not. They associate those qualities with being boring and old, but that's just wrong, they're just personality traits,” I argued back.  
“Well... No, I guess I don't feel old, not really. Most of the time I wonder where the last twenty years went, I feel like I should still be thirty,” he admitted.  
“See! James, you can't get so hung up on which year you were born, that really isn't what matters. I've known supposed grown women act like snooty, immature teenagers, and I've had mates far younger than me who was as old and wise as bloody Buddha. What age you are on paper is one thing, what age you are in your head is completely another,” I finished firmly.  
“But... I'll be old enough to be its granddad, Emily,” he persisted.  
“All right, granted, you are older than most first-time dads,” I conceded.  
“That's an understatement,” James chortled despite himself.  
“I wasn't done! I was saying, you are a little older than most first-time dads, but that just means you're also a little wiser, right? You've established your life, you have stability, a stable economy.. You even have the freedom to cut back on work and just focus on being a dad, to take your time and enjoy it. Most people become parents when they're what, 25, 30? And they work themselves to death trying to pay off the mortgage and the car and the kids' daycare. And they miss out on all the good stuff, because they're busy or they're too tired, and suddenly the kid is 18 and it buggers off.” I squeezed James' shoulder to make him look at me. “Am I making any sort of sense? Do you get what I'm trying to say?” James broke out into a weak smile, looking mildly comforted.  
“Yeah, I think I understand... Being a little older might have some advantages and not be entirely awful?” He ventured.  
“Exactly,” I smiled, and leaned in to give him a kiss.  
“You're probably right. Can we get into bed now? I'm freezing,” James said with a shiver, goose bumps blossoming on his bare arms. I nodded, got up from the bed and closed the bathroom door, turned off the ceiling light, tore off my clothes and crawled under the covers. James inched up to me and I squealed in the instant his cold skin hit mine. He chuckled mischievously and snuggled into me, searching for warmth. James' sudden talk of age had brought back a lot of sad memories, bringing old fears with them. The last time James had been thinking like this he had ended up breaking up with me, letting his fears get the better of him. What if something similar happened this time? After a long silence I ran my hand over his arm again and kissed his hair before talking.  
“James? Do you still think you're too old to be with me?” At this unexpected question James raised his head off my shoulder and looked at me. I could see the answer in his eyes before he even spoke it.  
“Yes,” he said simply.  
“So you're still worried that I'm going to have some strange epiphany someday, realise you're too old for me and walk out on you?” I asked, feeling hurt now.  
“I... Yeah, sometimes...” he admitted, looking ashamed and apologetic. For a moment I just looked into his eyes, absent-mindedly caressing his hair, trying to figure out what to answer. Then I took his hand and placed it on my tummy.  
“James, I am having your baby. I can't think of a more powerful way of telling you how much I love you and how committed I am to you. I don't know what else I can do to assure you that you are absolutely everything I want, and I am never going to leave you. I need you, and this baby is going to need you.” James looked at me in stunned silence for a while.  
“You don't have to do... anything else,” he mumbled, swallowing hard now, torn between feeling ashamed and touched.  
“James, you have no idea how proud I am to be able to call you the father of my child. Our child,” I assured him, running my hand over his cheek again. He blinked rapidly a few times, and then leaned into hug me tightly.  
“Thank you, sweetheart. I'm sorry for being so... It's just frightening, you know? Becoming a dad is still scaring me to death,” he admitted quietly.  
“I know, baby...” I soothed, hugging him tight. “I think it's supposed to be scary. If we weren't terrified of becoming parents, we'd be bloody daft.” James sniffed and pulled back to look at me.  
“You seem to be dealing with this so much better than me,” he observed. At this I laughed once, loudly.  
“Have you forgotten the complete mental breakdown I had earlier this week?”  
“No, I haven't forgotten. You were worried about the baby, and that's natural. But you seem so calm about becoming a mum,” he pointed out.  
“James, believe me, I'm not calm about it!” I said, half-laughing. “But do you know what helps me?”  
“No,” James said, shaking his head.  
“Knowing that I have you. As long as I have you, I know I can do anything.” At this James broke out into a wide smile, then gave me a kiss, which turned into another, and another. When he pulled away James smiled at me again, his eyes twinkling. “You know, when I look at you... I don't see some geriatric, wrinkly, crippled old fart,” I said, and James giggled.  
“No?” He asked, sounding amused.  
“Mno. I see a man with... Gorgeous, blue eyes that crinkle up in this adorable way when he laughs. And his long hair has these silver-streaks that I find very sexy. And he has the most attractive arms and hands I've seen on any man...” I continued, running my palm down his arm. James listened quietly, but he was blinking and averting his eyes, looking flustered. “But most important of all, I see a man who is incredibly kind and thoughtful, who has a good head on his shoulders and who can fix anything. I see a man who is playful and child-like, and sometimes very childish, and who can make me laugh until I pee my pants. And I see a man who can make me weak at the knees just by looking at me in a certain way, a man who is my perfect lover. That doesn't sound like some wrinkled, sad old geezer does it?” I finished in a challenging voice. Not getting an answer I raised my eyebrows at him, waiting for a reply.  
“Hmm, no...” he conceded, almost unwillingly. “I'm not absolutely certain you were talking about me just then,” he teased, leaning in for a kiss.  
“I was,” I assured him, feeling his lips meet mine. He tried to convey so many things with that kiss, his gratitude as well as his love and adoration for me. Eventually, reluctantly, he let go of my lips and rested his head against my shoulder again.  
“You didn't say anything about my fat stomach,” he added as an afterthought, and I guffawed with laughter.  
“If you're fretting that much over your gut bucket, then cut back on pies and join a bloody gym, will you!” I shrieked, still laughing.  
“Emily!” James gasped, sounding horribly affronted, as if I had suggested he'd take up prostitution. “Take that back! Or you're sleeping on the sofa!”  
“Okay okay, I take it all back, don't cut back on pies, god forbid!” I laughed, relieved to see James returning to his normal self. “Feel better?” I asked when my laughter had subsided.  
“Yes, a little. Still scared, but... Like you said – as long as I know I have you, I know I can do anything,” he echoed.


	61. Chapter 61

Sticking to his promise, James arranged absolutely everything for the party – carrying in crates of drinks, extra chairs and never-ending bags of snacks. Then he set about cleaning the whole house.  
“You do know you're going to have to re-do the whole house after the party, right?” I mumbled dryly through a mouth-full of crisps I'd stolen from the mountain of party-snacks stored in the garage. "People will stomp all over the house in their party-shoes, dropping crisps and spilling drinks everywhere…" I was comfortably nestled in the corner of the sofa, buried under a blanket and with Fusker perched in my lap. James froze in his tracks, floor mop in hand, and shot me a sideways glare of exasperation.  
“You are enjoying this free-pass way too much, missus.” He pointed at me sternly.  
“How about this; since you're doing all this I'm going to let you out of one weeks' worth of poopy diapers?” I offered. He laughed loudly.  
“I'll remember that!” He warned, and went back to cleaning the floors. Part of me wished that James would've let me help a little more with the preparations; it would have distracted me from my restlessness and nerves. I was a big day, at least it felt like it to me. Later tonight, everyone we knew and cared about would know our big secret. A secret I wasn't sure neither James or I had gotten used to the thought of yet. Maybe we never would until the baby was actually born. But I was excited to tell everyone, and nervous. It was the right time. But I also worried about how people would react. Would they think it was too soon? James and I hadn't even been together a year. Or maybe they would think James was too old? People always had opinions about other people's life choices, and even though these people were our friends and most likely would be happy for us, I was still nervous. Personally I didn't worry about him being too old, but I knew that he probably still did, despite all my reassurances and arguments. And now I worried that people would say something to him, make some flippant comment that would upset or hurt him. He didn't need that, he had enough dealing with his own insecurities, and I wanted to protect him from the stupidity of other people. But I knew I couldn't always be there to do that. I just had to have faith that we had chosen our friends carefully enough.  
James did such a good job on the party preparations all I had to think about was preparing myself. After having tried on all the dresses I owned, I realised that if I was to keep my pregnancy a secret until we revealed it ourselves, I had to wear a dress I had rarely ever worn, an unshapely, tent-like thing that was very loose-fitting. It was very comfortable, but I didn't feel comfortable in it, it made me look short and broad and boring. When I appeared downstairs James was busy sorting all the drinks and glasses, knowing people would be arriving within half an hour. He was dressed in dark blue jeans, one of the dozens of flowery shirts he owned and a suit jacket. Hearing my steps he turned around, looking me up and down.  
“Don't say it, I look awful,” I sulked, plopping down on a barstool.   
“What? No, that wasn't what I was... You look... That dress is really...”  
“Boring,” I insisted.  
“Yes, actually it is,” he admitted with a snort, and we both shared a laugh.   
“I hate this dress, but it's the only thing I have that hides certain strategic body parts,” I said as I ran my hand over the ever-growing baby bump. “I can change to something else later, when we've told everyone. You look great, though,” I added as I slid off the barstool and walked over to him.   
“Yeah?” He said, looking down himself.  
“Mhm...,” I nodded, fiddling with the lapels on his jacket, giving him a flirty look. “Very charming and handsome. And sexy.” I smiled to him, running my hand over his hair and down his cheek, which flushed red as he blinked, looking down at the floor. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, walking closer to him, caressing the back of his neck. “You're mine, do you know that? And if I catch anyone flirting with you tonight, I will stomp on their foot with a very pointy heel,” I growled, leaning in. James expected a kiss, but in stead I took his bottom lip between my teeth and tugged at it.   
“Oy. Oooow,” he whined, but before he could complain any further I took his lip between my own, kissing him deeply and slowly, making it all better. His whining turned into a happy, humming moan as he kissed me back, and I nudged him backwards, pinning him up against the kitchen counter. Our kiss was rudely interrupted by the doorbell, and I froze.   
“Who is that?! They're early!” I moaned.   
“That might be Simmy, I asked if he could come by a little early, help me out with some heavy lifting...” James said, looking apologetic. I huffed, frustrated at having been interrupted.  
“Guess we'll have to let him in then...” I growled.   
“Yes. Leaving him out there would be a little impolite..” James agreed with a snort.   
“All right, go on then,” I sighed, gave James a final little kiss then unpinned him from against the counter.

Over the next hour there was a steady stream of guests arriving. Every time I had to hug someone I worried that someone would feel the baby bump, and I cursed having such huggy friends. As our house filled up with people I asked myself why the hell we'd never done this before. James and I liked the quiet and our privacy, but we were social people too, and I loved having all our friends around us, in our house, happy and talking. I noticed that James was twitchy and restless, anxious to get the big reveal over with, and as soon as I knew that everyone had arrived, I sidled over to him and squeezed his hand gently.  
“Everyone's here now,” I said quietly so only he would hear. He nodded, looking tense and nervous, then turned down the music. The sudden drop in volume made almost everyone turn to look at James. He cleared his throat loudly, looking slightly flustered as he fiddled with his bottle of beer.  
“Right,” he began, squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath. “First of all, I want to thank you all for coming. I know how busy these weeks leading up to Christmas tend to be for everyone. We invited you all here because, well... You're all our friends and we like spending time with you guys, believe it or not. But we also invited you because we have an announcement to make.” People raised their eyebrows and there was a low murmur of wondering coming from the onlookers. “The announcement being that I'm going to be a dad,” James said quickly, as if he had to just dive into it quickly.  
“What, to a crate of beer?” Jeremy challenged, then cackled loudly, showing his yellow teeth. James chuckled and shook his head, apparently at a loss for what to reply.  
“If he's having a crate, then you look like you're having an entire brewery, Jezza” I retorted dryly. He really was an idiot for poking fun at James for his beer-gut when he looked to be about 5 months further along. At this James screwed up his eyes and guffawed loudly.  
“And that is one of the thousands of reasons why I want her to be the mother of my child,” James said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.  
“Wait... So, what, you're actually serious?” Jezza gaped, his face even longer than usual.  
“Yes, Jeremy, we're very serious,” I smiled.  
“What, James had sex?” Richard piped up, making it sound like that was the biggest surprise of the evening. For someone who had secretly known about this for a while now, he sounded very convincing. The crowd of people started laughing, even James chuckled a little.   
“Shut up, Hamster. Anyway, this is why I'm wearing this bin-bag of a thing, because well... I'm pregnant.” I pulled the fabric tight over my tummy, revealing the little baby-bump underneath. As I did this, most of the women squealed loudly, Mindy and Francie being the loudest of all. Everyone started to chatter amongst themselves, sounding very surprised but pleasantly so at the happy news. Mindy and Francie ran right over to me to hug and congratulate me, then they promptly proceeded to pat my stomach while bombarding me with questions. I laughed and raised en eyebrow in surprise, not used to people randomly fumbling my tummy. Hugs, cheers and congratulations hailed over both of us, and I was torn between relief, happiness and feeling awkward. I wasn't used to being the centre of attention like this. When everyone seemed to have done the rounds, I turned to James, snaking my hand into his. “You okay?” I asked quietly, taking a step closer to him. James just nodded and smiled, looking relieved and happy, just as I was.  
“Yeah. I think... I sort of liked doing that, even if it was bloody nerve-wracking,” he admitted in hushed tones. “I like that everyone knows. It feels good. I love you. Both of you,” he whispered, pulling me in for a little kiss. At the same time he ran his palm over my tummy in the way he had gotten a habit of doing lately. His words gave me a big lump in my throat, and I swallowed hard and blinked rapidly a few times.  
“I love you too,” I smiled back. “I'm just going upstairs, changing out of this... thing, I hate it,” I said, tugging at my oversized, unshapely dress. Everyone knew now, I had no reason to hide any longer. 

Returning downstairs in a different, more shapely dress I bumped into Richard in the hallway. He stopped in his tracks, eyeing me up and down in the new dress.  
“Wow, you've grown!” He said, stretching out an arm as if he had been about to touch me.  
“It's okay.” I smiled kindly at Richard, reaching out for his hand and placing it on my tummy. After what had happened between us, and all the conversations we'd had after that, I felt strangely close to him now. He'd become a good friend, someone I trusted and valued, which maybe was a strange thing, considering the kissing. But more than once he'd come to me for support, for advice and for comfort, and he'd provided the same for me. He caressed me tentatively, looking at his own hand then up at me.  
“You look amazing,” he said, his smile showing a hint of sadness. I returned his smile, eyeing him closely.  
“How are you?” I asked, placing my hand on top of his.  
“I'm... okay. Mindy and I are in a better place than we were before. We've had some good moments, we're... working on things. I just wanted to say thank you for... everything, for how well you handled everything and for all the advice you've given me. Mindy wants to say thank you, too, she knows you've helped me.”  
“You're welcome, Richard.” He wrapped his arms around me in a hug.  
“I'm still not sorry about kissing you, I can't get myself to be sorry about that,” he whispered, burying his face in my hair briefly before letting me go. The look that met me when he pulled back was full of boyish mischief. I shook my head at him, unable to keep back a laugh.  
“Are you drunk already?” I said, trying to make a joke of it.  
“No,” Richard said with his usual, daft giggle. Turning serious again he cleared his throat. “James seems so happy about becoming a father, I don't think I've ever seen James so excited about anything. Look, he's already pulled out the ultrasound images now,” he observed, looking pointedly through the hallway and into the living room.  
“He has?!” I squawked, following Richard's line of sight. I spotted James, surrounded by Simmy, Rory, Andy Wilman and their respective better halves, ultrasound imagine in hand.   
“Wow, that didn't take him long...” I mumbled, slightly shocked.   
“I don't blame him. He loves you so much, Emily. And he's so proud of you, that he has you, and that you're having his baby.”  
“Don't you know better than talking like that to a pregnant woman, I'm going to cry!” I said loudly, stomping my foot as I flapped my hands in front of my eyes, trying to waft away the tears welling up in them.  
“Sorry, sorry!” Richard said with panic in his face, patting his pockets down for a handkerchief or a tissue.   
“Oh, it's fine. Just.. no more mushy talk,” I sniffed. “Now go. Find your wife. Get drunk. Flirt outrageously. But no shagging in my house,” I warned, pointing at him. Richard guffawed with laughter, then gave my hand a squeeze before returning to the party. 

Seeing all of these people around me getting increasingly loud, happy and chatty as they drank made me feel a little left out and lonely, which I knew was stupid. It made me strangely restless and impulsive, I wanted to feel the same thrill that drinking sometimes gave. Going to the bathroom I took off my pantihose and stuffed them in a cupboard, then slipped off my lace knickers. Returning downstairs and weaving my way through the crowd I balled the underwear into my fist as tightly as I could, hoping no one would see them. Scanning the room I spotted James, and made a bee line straight for him. James was deep in conversation with Jezza and Colin about something. When I approached him I smiled quickly at the two other men before sidling up to James as close as I could, making sure to place myself in such a way that the other two wouldn't see what I was up to. I stretched my neck, standing on tippy-toes as if to whisper something in his ear. He shot me a quick, puzzled look before leaning down a little.  
“Your office. Five minutes,” I whispered, placing my mouth much closer to his ear than necessary, breathing heavily. Leaning in to him I slipped my knickers into James' pocket, making sure he would feel me doing so. Then I pulled back from him, smiled at the three men and left them. My heart was thumping in my chest, the blood rushing through my veins. Had the other two noticed anything? What if people knew I was walking around this party with no underwear on underneath my dress? Making a detour for the kitchen I was picturing how James would wonder what the hell I had slipped into his pockets, his mind working furiously as he tried to keep up a conversation. How he'd wait for a minute or so before casually slipping his hand into his jacket pocket. And how he'd perhaps swallow hard or blush a little as he felt the lace under his fingertips, maybe even feel the damp spot on them, realising what it was. I had a few sips out of a can of pepsi, then headed towards his office, trying desperately to avoid contact with anyone. I breathed a sigh of relief as I entered the room, the sounds from the party dulled as I closed the door behind me, the music and people chattering and laughing fading away. Walking over to his desk I removed a few piles of paper and sat down on the edge of it, facing the door, legs crossed in a lady-like fashion. I pulled the skirt of my dress up a little, making sure to reveal as much of my legs as possible. A few minutes later, and right on time, the door opened and James appeared. As he entered he closed the door and locked it, slowly and thoroughly. Remaining by the door he stared at me, narrowing his eyes a little as they trailed along the entire length of my body, from my hair to my heel-clad feet. I supported myself on my arms either side of me, leaning forward a little, shoulders slightly hitched up, purposely pushing my breasts together, showing them off.  
“You,” he began in a stern voice, slipping his hand into his pocket to extract the lace panties curled up inside. He held them out in front of him, taking a moment to look at them before pinning me with another glare.  
“Me?”  
“You are a really, really... naughty... woman.” He crossed the floor as he spoke, pointing sternly at me, jabbing the air while still holding my panties. I bit my lip innocently and raised even more innocent eyebrows.  
“I am?” I inquired politely, tilting my head to the side and looking up at him. He stopped a few feet from me, still with that stern look on his face. Inwardly I was fighting with myself no to smirk at him teasingly.  
“You completely ruined that conversation just now, I completely lost the thread,” he huffed, taking a step closer.  
“And why is that?” I asked. Without even thinking I untangled my legs. He took another step, dropped the panty onto the desk next to me and then I felt his fingertips graze the inside of my knee.  
“Because all I could think of...” he said quietly, leaning towards me, hovering close to my mouth. “.. was how much I wanted to do.. this...” As he spoke I felt his fingertips trail up the inside of my thigh. He ended the sentence with a kiss, his fingertips still travelling up the inside of my thigh. He groaned into my mouth as his hand reached the naked, warm wetness between my legs. I parted my legs a little, pulling him closer and wrapping an arm around him. I winced against his mouth as his fingers began working on me, then sucked hard on his bottom lip. Letting go of his lip I trailed kisses along his jawline and onto the side of his neck. At the same time I inched my hips forwards a little, spreading my legs, offering myself to him. I ran a palm over his shirt-clad chest and down to his stomach, my hand playing at his belt.  
“James?” I breathed quietly into his ear.  
“Uh.. Yes...?” He hummed distractedly, his fingers slipping rhythmically over my wet clit. When I began talking again, I let my hand travel downwards another few inches, feeling him through his trousers, finding him almost fully erect. “James.. I want you to turn me around... Hitch up my dress... Bend me over your desk... And fuck me.” I punctuated every wish with a kiss or a nip at the skin on his neck, firmly rubbing my palm against his erection as I spoke my desires. As I said the last sentence he froze, an involuntary groan escaping him. When he straightened up to look at me his face was flushed, and the look on his face was black with lust. Without another word he wrapped an arm around me and hastily scooped me off the desk and onto my feet. Hurriedly he took hold of my hips and flipped me around, hitched up my dress and firmly forced me to bend over his desk, exposing my bare bum and legs to him. My heart was pounding so loudly in my ears I could barely hear the distant din of the party going on in the rest of the house. For a few seconds I stood there, bum in the air and face against the cold wood of his office desk, waiting. James swore under his breath as he struggled with his belt and trousers. With his own foot he forced my feet a little further apart. In the next moment I felt one hand on my hip, and how he thrust himself inside me, quickly and fully. “Holy fuck!” I swore loudly, gripping onto the edge of the desk. James groaned too, then shushed me, reminding me our house was full of people. For a moment he remained still inside me, and I could hear him breathing heavily. I pushed back against him, horny and impatient. James' hands fell to my hips as he began moving in and out of me, slowly at first. Then he stopped, his cock deep inside me, gyrating his hips a little. “Shit....” I groaned, feeling every inch of him inside me. I rocked back on him again.  
“Jesus..” James mumbled. I felt his palm caressing my lower back and my bum. “You are so fucking sexy...” Then it was as if he lost what little self-control that remained in him. His fingers dug into my hips as he began thrusting into me in a relentless rhythm. All I could do was tighten my grip on the edge of the desk and hang on for the ride. Despite biting my lip, winces and moans escaped me. James' strong hands moved to my bum, kneading my buttocks firmly, then spreading my cheeks a little in an effort to come even deeper into me. Even if I couldn't see him, I could sense there was something going on inside him, something primal and raw. I felt it in the way he touched me, his huffs and moans, his relentless thrusts into me, the way he was just claiming me, taking me hard. It was something I didn't see in him often, he rarely let out that part of himself and I didn't know why he had done now. Maybe it was the fact that we had a house full of people, the risk of it, the naughtiness of it, or the fact that he'd had a bit to drink. It didn't matter, because in any case it was exactly what I had wanted and needed. I was meeting his thrusts as much as I could, the sound of our bodies slamming into each other almost drowning out or huffs and moans.  
“Harder!” I commanded, feeling like I couldn't ever get enough. James let go of my bum, but only to place his hands on my shoulders to push me harder against himself. The increase in force made me throw my head back and moan a little too loudly. I tried as best as I could to push back against him, to meet his thrusts. The air was stinging in my chest and I could barely breathe, every muscle and cell in my body were tensed up, working towards my climax. “Fuck, James.. Don't stop, I'm coming!” I gasped. He obeyed my command, not slowing his pace or the force with which he was thrusting into me. My legs began to wobble ominously as the orgasm neared and I gripped even harder on the desk, taking out every last remnant of strength within me to keep up the thrusts against him, and to keep my legs from giving out on me. As the orgasm slammed through me I gasped and then held me breath, screwing up my face in an effort not to scream out my pleasure as it peaked. I shook against the hard, wooden desk. A few strained groans escaped me and I shuddered and twitched as a few after-shocks washed through me. Panting heavily I wondered if I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. I had no idea if James had had his release, my own orgasm had been far too powerful, I hadn't been able to focus on anything else. Still inside me I felt James leaning over me, wrapping his arms around my waist.  
“Bloody hell...” he murmured weakly, his breath unusually warm against my skin as he kissed the back of my neck lazily. Arms still wrapped tightly around me he gently raised my upper body from the desk until I was standing upright. He hugged me tight from behind, kissing the side of my neck before turning me around in his own arms. The look on his face was one of mischief, of surprise and of mystery. I was still breathing raggedly as I ran a thumb tenderly over his cheek and kissed him deeply. “Like I said: very naughty...” he repeated as I pulled back, still slightly out of breath. With a sly smile I bent down, trailing my hands all along his body down. His boxers and trousers were gathered around his ankles, and still hunched in front of him I pulled them back on, closed the button and the zip and then did up his belt, staring into his eyes all the while. When I was done he took me by the wrists and hoisted me upwards, then pushed me back towards the desk, making me sit on the edge of it again. My discarded panties were still on the desk, and he snatched them up and went down on his knees in front of me, slipping my legs back into them and pulling it upwards as far as it would go. He stood upright and proffered a hand, and I got up so he could pull them up the rest of the way. Having finished redressing each other again we stared at each other for a moment, rosy-cheeked and smiling. “We better get back... People are going to wonder where we are...” He said quietly, blinking a little and looking almost embarrassed. I just nodded at him, unable to take my eyes off him. He was just about to turn around to walk out, but I held him back by the wrist.  
“Hey, wait a minute.” He turned back to face me again, an eyebrow raised inquisitively. “How are you feeling? Having fun?” I asked mildly. James nodded.   
“Yeah, I am. I like having everyone here. We should do this more often.”  
“What, have babies?” I smirked, and James laughed. “So, what do people think of you becoming a daddy?” I pushed on.   
“They seem.. really surprised, but happy. Much like I am, really.”   
“That's good.” I was glad to see nothing but excitement and happiness in James. I cupped his face in my hands, holding him close. “I love you so fucking much,” I breathed as a wave of pure love washed through me, then I kissed him furiously. He returned my kiss with the same passion.  
“I will always love you more,” he retorted as he broke away, then took my hand and led me back to the party.


	62. Chapter 62

I was by an outdrawn, zombie-like groan of pain and misery. The sound didn't surprise me in the slightest.  
“Kill me. Kill me now."  
“All right, hang on,” sighed, slid out of bed and lumbered downstairs. I hadn't left him to get the knife, but to get paracetamol, allergy pills, a glass of Berocca and a few bottles of mineral water. Returning to the bedroom, James looked at me with blood-shot eyes. His skin was pale, almost green, and his hair was a complete crows-nest.  
“What is that? Rat poison? I hope it's quick,” he muttered.  
“Yes, its warfarin, I stole it at the hospital,” I said sarcastically as I handed him a few pills. He accepted and downed them with water, then his head slumped back on the pillow. I sat down on the edge of the bed and ran a hand over his hair and cheek. He reeked of sour beer and stale fags, he looked like road kill but I was still very much in love with him. After a while he opened his eyes and looked at me dolefully.  
“I am an awful human being.” He said it with such sincerity it almost made me laugh. “God, I was so... bloody.. drunk...” He groaned, rubbing his face.  
“Yes, you were,” I said flatly, deciding to torture him a little. Noticing the change in my voice I saw the fear creep into his eyes.  
“Did I act like an idiot?”  
“Yes, a little.” I answered simply. He flinched.  
“What did I do?” The despair, anxiety and shame I saw in his eyes melted my heart.  
“I'm joking, honey... You didn't do anything wrong,” I said with a comforting smile.  
“... no?” He looked at me with a mixture of surprise and disbelief.  
“No, not really.”  
“Emily, I'm sorry. I... can't even remember anything after a certain point.”  
“Which point?” I asked mildly, raising an eyebrow at him.  
“I think it was the beer gambling with Simmy and Rory...” He sounded utterly ashamed.  
“That was pretty late, though. Most people were plastered by that point anyway. It was a good party, people really enjoyed themselves. Relax, you didn't throw up on people, insult anyone or run around naked. You were just... silly and giggly and, at one point, even a little soppy.”  
“Jesus, I'm too old to get that drunk...” He groaned, rubbing his face with both hands. “I'm becoming a father for crying out loud. How are you not apocalyptically cross with me?” James gave me his best, most regretful puppy-eyes.  
“I figured that hangover of yours is punishing you enough,” I smirked. “Oh don't be so hard on yourself. You had a good time, you were celebrating that we're having a baby. I'd rather have you let loose a little and become this drunk now than in a year when I'm sitting home alone with a baby worrying about you. Now drink your Berocca,” I said, giving him the glass of vaguely fizzing, bright orange water. He eyed it suspiciously.  
“I'm not sure I can...” he complained, looking faintly queasy.  
“Suck it up, party boy,” I ordered. James led out a snort of laughter then clutched at his forehead.  
“Ow, don't make me laugh.” He accepted the glass and sipped it gingerly, testing if his stomach would allow the intake of vitamins and minerals he so sorely needed. He drank half an put it down on the night stand with a sigh.  
“Hopefully the pills will help a little, maybe you can go back to sleep, sleep it off,” I said, caressing his cheek again. He closed his eyes to the touch.  
“You're too kind to me,” he mumbled.  
“Last night I was jealous of all the people drinking, I wanted a beer so bloody badly. But I must admit, seeing you now.. Not so much jealous,” I smirked. Leaning down I gave him a long, comforting kiss.”Ugh, you taste like something curled up in your mouth and died.”  
“I love you too,” he said with a weak smile. James closed his eyes, and I left him to hopefully go back to sleep.

When I had gotten dressed I went downstairs and quietly started clearing up after the party, picking up about a million empty bottles and plastic glasses and cups. Deciding no to do any heavy lifting that might upset James I left all the furniture where they were and headed upstairs for a quick shower. While I had been tidying up I had exchanged a few texts with Ben and Jo, and agreed that I would pay them a visit. They didn't know about my pregnancy and I desperately wanted to tell them. After my quick shower I wrote a note for James who was still sleeping heavily letting him know where I was going and roughly how long I'd be.

I came home about five hours after I'd left. Not having heard anything from James I half expected to find him in bed, still immobilized by post-alcoholic anxiety and nausea. Opening the door I realized I was wrong. The place smelled clean and fresh, not at all like a place that had housed about 40 drunken people the night before. From what little I could see of the living-room from the hallway the furniture seemed to be back where they were supposed to be. Looking left into the kitchen that seemed to be all shined up too. Hanging my jacket by the door I called out.  
“James? James, I'm home!” After a minute he appeared in the doorway from the living-room. He stopped there, shoving his hands into his pockets as he looked at me nervously. It was as if he was trying to make himself as small as possible. It was still evident that he'd been on a massive bender the night before, he looked pale and tired. But while I had been gone he'd obviously made an effort to spruce himself up as well as the house; he'd taken a shower, shaved, put on a pair of dark jeans and a shirt he knew I liked. Shifting nervously he looked up at me. “Hey, you...” I said with a little smile, taking a few steps towards him. He looked so frail and nervous I stopped a little distance from him, unsure of what was going on.  
“Hi...” he said, shuffling his feet and looking at the floor. “Had a nice time?” He asked the floorboards. I frowned, a little puzzled by the question.  
“I... yeah. It's always a joy seeing baby Emily again,” I said cautiously. James glanced at me quickly, then his eyes fell back onto the floor. I took another few steps towards James then stretched out a hand, timidly touching his arm. “James, you all right? Is something wrong?” I asked mildly. At this his eyes shot up to look into mine, sadness and remorse all over his face.  
“I'm wrong..” he said sulkily. “I'm so sorry for.. acting like an idiot and becoming so drunk, I was probably all obnoxious and awful and...”  
“Hey, hey, hey...” I said soothingly. “We've already had this conversation today, remember? You don't have to apologise to me all over again, it's okay....” I lifted my hand to his cheek and cupped it, caressing it with my thumb. His eyes met mine again.  
“You're not... angry with me?” He asked incredulously.  
“What? No, I'm not angry with you. I said so this morning, didn't I? And I still mean it,” I assured him.  
“But... I thought maybe that was why you left, because you were.. angry...” he muttered.  
“Aw, honey, no, that wasn't how it was at all!” I said, throwing my arms around him in a consoling hug. “I left to give you some peace to sleep it off. I was just restless and started texting with Jo and she asked me to come over. I'm sorry if you thought I left because I was angry with you!” Releasing James from his hug I took his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me. He still looked a little sad and worried. Smiling at him reassuringly I pulled his face towards my own and gave him a long, reassuring kiss. Then I took his hand in mine and steered him towards the sofa, pulling him down with me as I sat down. I wrapped an arm around him and he leaned in against me, resting his head on my shoulder in search for comfort and closeness. Taking a look around the room I saw that James had made a huge effort of tidying up the place after I had gone. After a long silence in which I caressed James' upper arm absent-mindedly, he cleared his throat.  
“I'm sorry that I thought you were angry with me...” he said, his voice barely audible.  
“Oh for gods sake, will you stop apologizing about everything..?” I asked, squeezing him. “But how could you think I was so angry with you? I told you this morning that I wasn't. I didn't even kill you, even though you asked for it!” I added, trying to bring some humour into the proceedings. James obviously wasn't in the mood for jokes just yet.  
“That note you wrote was just... short. And you didn't wake me before you left...” He sulked.  
“Aw, James...” I kissed his forehead. “I didn't wake you because I knew you needed all the sleep you could get. And I'm sorry if that note sounded a little.. short, I honestly didn't think about it, I just wrote it quickly and didn't put much thought into how I wrote it.” James looked up at me with doleful eyes, cradled in the crook of my arm like a baby. Caressing the side of his face I smiled at him. “I'm really not mad at you. Not at all.”  
“Okay..” he nodded, finally seeming to believe me.  
“You've really had an awful day, haven't you?” I said sympathetically, continuing to caress his cheek. It really wasn't like James to be like this, so fragile, sensitive and in search of comfort.  
“Yeah...” he sighed.  
“Thank you so much for tidying up all this while I was gone, though. I should've helped you though, you didn't need to do all this on your own, especially not in the state you've been in today,” I said and kissed his other cheek.  
“I just.. saw you'd started and.. wanted to do something nice for when you came home.”  
“In case I was really livid with you?”  
“..yeah..” James admitted, blinking and looking embarrassed.  
“Thank you. I appreciate that. You even tidied up yourself a little. You clean up good,” I smiled, then leaned down to give him a kiss. “And I particularly appreciate that you don't taste like an ashtray soaked in ale any more.” Despite himself James giggled against my lips. “Have you eaten anything yet?”  
“Not much, just some toast when I got up...” James admitted. He straightened up in his seat, my reassurances had seemingly calmed him down and made him feel better.  
“Is there any sort of food you fancy? We could order in,” I suggested.  
“Pizza. Plain, nothing fancy, my stomach doesn't want me to be too adventurous today.”  
“All right. You just sit here and relax, I'll sort the food. No beer with the pizza tonight, I'm guessing?” I teased as I got up, squeezing his knee. James groaned and made a face at the mention of beer. Leaning my hands on his knees I bent over him and gave him a quick kiss of apology. “Sorry.” I left James on the sofa and headed off to order from Dominoes and then upstairs to change into more comfortable clothes. Returning downstairs I checked my twitter and emails until the doorbell rang and I brought the pizza inside. I happily munched my way through my pizza as well as my mozzarella sticks in the same time it took James to get two slices down. Full and content and slouched back on the sofa with a happy sigh. James was already lounging back, quiet and thoughtful. Feeling James' eyes on me I looked at him.  
“So, how are you today then?” James asked tenderly, stretching out an arm to place his palm on my tummy, caressing it gently.  
“Aw... I'm just fine, honey. We both are,” I said, placing my hand on top of his.  
“Had fun at Ben and Jo's then?”  
“Yeah, I did. I told them about they baby, they were both thrilled.”  
“And baby Emily?”   
“She's so cute!I can't believe she's six months old soon!”I crooned. Picking up my phone I found the video I had taken of her, lying on the floor in a blanket practicing rolling over to her side, trying to reach toys spread around her. “Here. Jo took a video of me with her, too. She said I should bloody well practice.” In this one Emily was sitting in my lap, cooing and babbling at me, waving a rattle. I was babbling just as incoherently back at her, making her giggle. James stared at the screen, mesmerized. “And in the end she zonked out in my arms, like she used to when she was a newborn.” James stared some more, eventually just staring into space for a moment before he shook his head slightly.  
“You know... Have you ever thought about... In a years time you'll be sitting like that with your own baby. Our baby.” He spoke slowly, sounding amazed.  
“I haven't thought about anything else the entire time I was there,” I admitted. James took the phone from me, found the video of me and baby Emily and played it again. A little smile spread on his face as he watched.  
“It looks good on you. A baby in your lap, I mean,” he added as he looked up at me, his eyes shining. Expecting this baby had brought out a new side of James, one that had become even more noticeable after the ultrasound. I had always known James as kind and thoughtful, and also as a very loving and tender man when we were just the two of us. But I had never seen him become so easily emotional. I loved seeing him this way, seeing how proud he was that he was becoming a father, how excited he was, and how much effort he put into looking after me.  
“Aw, thank you sweetheart,” I said, taking the phone from him and leaning into give him a kiss. “Do you have any idea how incredibly adorable you are as a gushing father-to-be?” At this James blushed furiously, squirming and blinked rapidly, lost for words. “I love this side of you though. Just as I love every side of you.” James didn't say anything, just looked into my eyes for a moment before giving me a tender kiss. A comfortable little silence fell as I leaned into James and he wrapped his arms around me.  
“I was wondering... does your parents know about this yet?” I asked, suddenly realising that telling James' parents hadn't even occurred to me. “I mean, your siblings know. Have they told your parents?”  
“Mno, I told them not to say anything. I didn't want news like that to get to them via my sisters or my brother.”  
“Mm... We might have to tell them pretty soon, though. I mean, the cat is sort of out of the bag now, at least with all our friends,” I pointed out.  
“I know. I was thinking this week, maybe we could invite them over. Or just go for a visit,” he said. The smile he gave me had something hidden behind it, and I couldn't quite pinpoint if it was worry or nerves.  
“Okay, let's do that, then,” I smiled back. Part of me tried to keep me from asking, but I couldn't stop myself. “How do you think they'll react?” James paused for a moment before answering.  
“Honestly... I don't know,” he admitted a little hesitantly. “I think they'll be.... very surprised. Mostly because they thought you and I would never last, they thought that you were just.. a phase. Basically they were convinced I was having a massive mid-life crisis.” James had never mentioned any of this to me before, and what he was telling me made me surprised and a little upset. I did my best to hide my feelings by joking about it.  
“Didn't you think I was a mid-life crisis too, at one point?” I smirked. James made a face.  
“Very briefly. And I'm still sorry about it. Anyway, when I told my parents about you, I was absolutely sure that it wasn't. But I think they still might think so, that you and I won't last because there's an age difference. And I gave up trying to convince them.”  
“The fact that we're having a baby might do the trick...” I mumbled, staring at my hands. Without even knowing it I had folded them and protectively placed them over my tummy. James slipped his arms around me, hugging me. “They told you that? That they thought we wouldn't last?”  
“Mm... In their own, parental sort of way.” James rolled his eyes. Then he saw the sad look on my face and squeezed me a little. “I bet they'll be excited about it eventually, when they've gotten used to the idea. But we should be prepared for the fact that they might not be right away. Like I said, I think they'll be very surprised. And frankly I can't blame them for that, they gave up on me having children years ago and they've settled for me never having any.”  
“James? Do they hate me?” I asked, knowing how dramatic it sounded.  
“No, no, don't be silly. You know they like you. But you know... I've always been the quiet, sensible oddball of a son. They're just not used to me dragging home women half my age,” he giggled, and I couldn't help but laugh with him. “They can think whatever they like, I am absolutely certain that you and I are not 'just a phase' and that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. They'll understand that too, eventually. And my mum won't be able to not get excited over having another tiny grandchild to cuddle.” James finished by giving me a reassuring kiss. His words had calmed me. In a way I could even understand his parents and their skepticism of our relationship. Had it been my own son or daughter dating someone nearly 20 years younger I would've have been skeptical too. “How did your dad react though?”  
“My dad? Honestly, he's never said anything about your age. But then again, while you were the boring son I was the not-so-boring daughter who tended to have boyfriends quite a bit older or younger than me.”  
“So this is actually a habit for you, then?” James teased, and I poked him in the ribs.  
“And when I told him we're having a baby... He was genuinely happy for me. For us. I think he's just glad I've found someone that makes me so happy, and that I want to spend my life with and have a family with. He's seen me be lonely and struggling for many years, and I know I've been the source of a lot of worry for him. I think he feels he can relax a bit now that I have you. And he said he was a bit sad that we're living in England and that he won't see his grandchild much. But I just told him he'll retire soon and can get his arse on a plane every now and then.”  
“So your dad doesn't hate me?” James asked, barely hiding a teasing smirk. I poked him in the ribs again and giggled.  
“No he doesn't. He knows I love you, and that's good enough for him.”  
“I love you too,” James smiled. “I'm not sure I've asked you if you had fun last night? I mean, disregarding how drunk I got.. and how hungover I was this morning.”  
“Yeah, I did, I had lots of fun! I liked gathering people, having everyone around like that. And I liked that we invited them to tell them our lovely news. Also...” I continued, pushing James back against the sofa and straddling his lap. “...I had fun in your office last night,” I said seductively, smirking at him. James wrapped his arms around my back and hummed as he was reminded of our little adventure.  
“Mmm, that was a lot of fun,” he agreed. “So I didn't just dream that? I've had a fantasy like that for years.”  
“Really? I must've read your mind, then.” Bending down over him I took James' bottom lip in a kiss, then tugged at it a little with my teeth. James pulled back a little, shaking his head.  
“Emily, I know where you're going with this, but I'm still too fucking hungover to have sex.”  
“Oh, you're right. I'm too knackered too, I barely got any sleep last night. Do you have any idea how badly you snore when you're really drunk?” James chose to ignore this question.  
“Maybe we should just go to bed then?”  
“Mmm, just curl up together and cuddle until we fall asleep....” I said dreamily.  
“That's agreed then.”  
“James, this is bad. This baby isn't even born and already we're skipping sex for sleep.”  
“I'll make it up to you tomorrow. I promise.”


	63. Chapter 63

Even though James offered to go meet his parents to tell them on their own, I insisted on coming with him. We were doing this together, and I knew he worried about their reaction even more than I did, I wanted to be there for moral support. We were, after all, in this together, and would be for the rest of our lives. Breaking the actual news went a lot better than we both had feared. Partly, I suspected, because I was there. James' parents had always been very sweet and kind to me the few times I had met them, and I believed James when he said that they didn't dislike me but were just sceptical about our age difference. The news definitely came as a huge surprise, and I could tell that both of them tried to save their scepticism and critical questions to a later time. 

The weekend after our own party came the time for the annual Top Gear Christmas bash. After our big reveal Mindy had approached me suggesting that we go dress-shopping together that Monday. Shopping for a dress had been something I had been putting off for as long as I could. I dreaded it considering I was now pregnant, and I knew that my body was changing so fast there was just no point to getting a dress a month beforehand. Mostly I was just worried I wouldn't find a dress at all, but miraculously, and with Mindy's help, I found one. It was full-length in was made of a flowy material in a rich, dark purple colour. It was gathered under the bosom and flowed outwards, draping over my little baby bump, almost accentuating it. Mindy also suggested that she and I spent the day together before the party preparing; she had organised an entire day of pampering and luxury with massages, pedicures, hair and make-up stylists. Personally I was eternally grateful that I didn't have to fix myself up for the party, it was very stress-relieving to have someone to just make all the decisions and do everything for me. Putting on make-up had always been an incredibly tedious task. Spending an entire day with Mindy turned out to be not as awkward as I had feared, considering I had kissed her husband. Every now and again the memory resurfaced, and I wondered if Mindy knew anything about it. If she did, she was either extremely good at hiding any ill feelings towards me, or she was just dealing with it incredibly well. 

As I sat in the car next to Mindy, coming up on the hotel that held the party, I found that I was incredibly nervous, as if I was going on a first date. To James I had only said that Mindy and I would be having a “girls' day” and that I'd meet him at the party. At first he had asked what a “girls' day” entailed, but when I asked if he really wanted to know he had just shaken his head. Coming to a halt in front of the hotel stairs, James was the first man I spotted. Immediately I cast Mindy a suspicious look.  
“Okay all right, so I sent him a text that he should get his arse out on the stairs,” she admitted with a carefree shrug, grinning. “But come on, you're a vision! He should have the pleasure of watching you emerge from this car like the goddess you are.”   
“Oh do shut up,” I giggled. When I stretched for the door-handle, Mindy smacked my hand playfully.  
“You uncivilised woman! Don't you know the driver is supposed to open the door for you?” She said loudly. Right on cue the driver opened the door on her side and she slid elegantly out of the car, far more used to wearing long dresses than I were. For a second I sat alone in the car behind tinted windows, waiting for the driver to open my own door. I had to take another deep breath, feeling slightly like I wasn't in my own body. Why was this so nerve-wracking? A gust of cold December-air hit me when the car-door opened. I took the driver's proffered hand and tried my best to copy Mindy's elegant exit. Relieved I found myself on the pavement, on my feet with my dress and my dignity intact. The driver closed the door behind me, and I completely forgot to thank him as my eyes sought out James at the top of the stairs. He was staring at me, mouth slightly open. I saw him blink a few times, how he swallowed and how his jaws tightened the way they always did when he got emotional but tried to hide it. Richard had had the sense to come down to the pavement to escort his wife up the stairs, but James seemed rooted to the spot, unable to move. His intense gaze already had me blushing, smiling shyly. Taking hold of my dress I lifted the hem up slightly and gingerly made my way up the 6 or 7 huge stone steps up to the hotel doorway. Finally coming level with James my eyes met his again.   
“Hello,” I said quietly, still smiling shyly.   
“I... uh..... ummm,” was all James managed. Then he swallowed hard again and eyed me up and down.   
“Umm? That's all I get? It took me four hours, this!” I said teasingly.   
“I just... Wow. Can't find the words. I'm not sure there are any,” he mumbled apologetically. Seeing James like this was strange, all fumbling and speechless.   
“But I look okay, right?” I stretched out a hand and squeezed his forearm.   
“You look absolutely... breathtaking,” he breathed.   
“Yeah?”  
“You're just... perfect. I can't believe you're here with me, you could have any man you wanted looking like that,” James finished in a quiet mumble, shyly fiddling with his own hands. I took a step closer to James and wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me gingerly back, evidently worried he'd ruin my hair or the dress.   
“I don't want any other man, silly. I only want you. I only dress up like this for you,” I said quietly into his ear. Before letting him go I gave him a quick kiss, not wanting to smear my lipstick all over him. Taking a step back, James eyed me up and down again.   
“That dress looks... amazing on you,” he smiled, almost blushing again.   
“Thank you. I like it, too. No hiding the fact that I'm pregnant in this, though,” I pointed out, running a hand habitually over the ever-growing baby bump.   
“I thought you were done hiding it?” James raised an eyebrow at me.   
“Yeah, I just have to get used to not hiding it,” I smiled back at him. “Can we go inside now?” I shivered.  
“Oh god, yes, of course, sorry,” James rambled. Then he proffered his arm to me like a proper gentleman and escorted me inside, away from the cold. In the massive hotel lobby James came to a halt. “Hang on. I have a surprise for you.” Patting down his suit jacket pockets he eventually dug up a little plastic card and held it out to me.   
“A keycard?”  
“Mhm. I booked us a suite,” he smiled.   
“A suite? Here?” I gasped. This was one of the biggest, most exclusive hotels in all of London, and I couldn't even imagine what a suite in here would cost, even just for one night.  
“Yes. With a hot tub, a huge bed, a great view, room-service... This year I'm not going to make the same mistake as I did last year.”   
“Mistake?” A raised an inquisitive eyebrow at him. James came a step closer and closed his arms around my waist, a flirty, mischievous glint in his eyes.  
“Yeah. See, after last years' party I didn't take you up to my hotel room and made love to you all night. I'm not making that mistake again.” I giggled, sensing how I blushed as the heat rose within me.   
“I'm really glad you're a man who can learn from his mistakes...” I smiled, taking the keycard from him and risking my lipstick by giving him another kiss. “I forgot to tell you how amazingly handsome you look tonight,” I added, running my fingers through his hair. James blushed for the third time in the space of ten minutes and averted his eyes.   
“Thank you..” he mumbled.   
“I'm sure we could stand here and stare lovingly at each other all night, but maybe we should go and be a bit sociable?” I suggested. James chuckled and nodded, then he slipped his arm around my lower back and we headed for the party. 

James kept close to me all evening, keeping a protective arm around my lower back or caressing my arm whenever he could. I loved feeling his little signs of endearment, it made my heart skip a beat and I couldn't help but caress him in return. It wasn't like James to be this affectionate in public, but I had seen a lot of new sides in him lately and I knew he didn't do it out of pretense or to be possessive. He was just happy, in love and proud of me, of being with me, just like I was in love and proud of him. Naturally just about every conversation I had that night was about my pregnancy and the coming baby, and I realised that I didn't even mind having the same conversation over and over all night, I never tired of the subject, it was more or less the only thing on my mind anyway. Being at a party and not having a drink in my hands was still something I wasn't used to, but I couldn't help notice that James hardly drank anything either. He probably still had the hangover from last week fresh in his memory, but part of me suspected that he might be doing it out of sympathy for me as well.   
James and I were standing by the bar talking when a woman came sauntering out of nowhere. She was tall, nearly as tall as James, with legs up to her neck, tanned skin and gorgeous, wavy blonde hair. I guessed her age to maybe 40, but she was doing a remarkably good job at not looking her age. As she strode towards us I saw James' eyes widen somewhat and he almost took a step backward.  
“James, darling!” She said loudly, swooping in and giving him a kiss on each cheek. “How are you?”  
“Hello. I'm fine, good, great... Very good, actually,” he rambled, seeming a little flustered. “And you?”  
“Oh, you know me, James, I keep busy,” she said, patting his shirt-clad chest a little too familiarly. I felt like air, completely translucent, non-existent. “I work at ITV now, assistant AD. Much more my kind of thing, don't you know. Top Gear wasn't really the place for me, far too much testosterone and Peter Pan-complexes flying around,” she tittered, rolling her eyes. “It was fun, though,” she finished with a wink. Then, as if she had suddenly realised that I was standing there, she did a theatrical double-take and turned to me.   
“Oh, hello! Do pardon my manners, dear. I'm Janet,” she said, extending a lean, muscular arm with a diamond-studded bracelet and perfectly manicured nails. “James and I are ex-colleauges and, well... Just exes in general, aren't we, James?” She giggled and nudged him, still shaking my hand. I felt my heart stop in my chest and everything inside me froze. Ex?  
“Oh...” I mumbled, almost inaudibly, trying my best to force my face into a polite, smiling expression.   
“You must be the Emily that I've heard so much about?” She continued as I didn't get myself to say anything, let alone introduce myself. “I saw you at last year's party but we never formally met.”  
“Uh, yes, yes I am...,” I said weakly. Everything inside me wanted to retort something along the lines of 'I have never heard of you before, though'. But as always I was too pleasant to say what was really on my mind, or too much of a coward. I felt incredibly intimidated by this woman in her expensive dress and even more expensive shoes. Next to her I felt minuscule, grey and incredibly ordinary. Obviously done with me, she turned to James again.  
“How did you find this one again, James?” She asked. Her voice was polite, but there was an undertone of derision in there somewhere.   
“We met in Syria during the shoot of that special we did down there. When I went to the hospital to be checked out, she was working there,” James explained.   
“Oh, that accident was awful to watch, I was so worried when you didn't move!” She said in such a way that there could be no doubt she had been there. “So you're a doctor, then?” She asked, suddenly seeming a little more interested in me.  
“Um, no, no, I'm a nurse, actually...” I mumbled, feeling myself shrink away even more.   
“Oh..” she said, and looked at me with what seemed like a mixture of pity and condescension. “I'm sure that must be a very... rewarding occupation.” She gave me the most fake smile I had ever seen and turned her attention to James again.   
“I heard you went to Africa on another challenge again? I am most jealous!” At this point she playfully slapped his chest. “As uncomfortable and exhausting as those trips were, they were always worth it. So many gorgeous places we've seen! We had some hot and sticky times, didn't we?” She smiled, but I heard seduction in her voice and saw the flirtatious spark in her eye. My entire innards revolved with jealousy. James was so flustered by what she was saying he opened his mouth but no sound came out. Clearing his throat he finally found his voice again.   
“Yeah, it was a good one, it'll make a good double-episode I hope,” James jabbered.  
“Where in Africa did you go this time? And what was the premise?”   
“Uganda, Rwanda, Tanzania... Searching for the source of the Nile, actually,” James explained.   
“Only you three idiots could come up with a task as daft as that,” she tittered. “Anyway, I guess you'll have to cut back on the travelling now, won't you James. I heard you're becoming a father!” At this James finally lit up a little, and I felt his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in closer.   
“Yes, I am,” he nodded. “So yeah, I'm going to cut back a little on work, especially the travelling.”   
“When is the magical date?” Can't be long?” She said, eyeing me up and down. James opened his mouth, but no words came out. He looked sideways at me, slightly horrified.   
“Er... May 14th, or thereabouts,” I answered hurriedly.  
“I guess congratulations are in order, then?” She smiled, without actually saying congratulations. “What on earth did you do to get this man to settle down? And to agree to have a baby?!” She continued, leaning into James and patting his chest for the umpteenth time during the conversation. “Honestly I thought I'd never see the day.” At this point I'd had quite enough, I needed to get away, and quickly.   
“Uhm... I don't know, ask James,” I said in an offhand sort of way. “Now, I have a baby tap-dancing on my bladder, if you'll excuse me,” I said hurriedly, wrenched myself out of James' grasp and headed for the exit. I strode right past the entrance to the bathroom and walked hurriedly through to the hotel room lobby. Digging out the keycard James had given me earlier I was relieved to find that it had the hotel room number written on it. Shuffling my feet restlessly I pushed the button for the elevator ten times until it finally opened and I could escape into safety. Exiting on the 9th floor I quickly found the room number and entered. As I flicked on the lights for a second I didn't even take the time to admire the room before flicking them off again. I wanted darkness. Making my way through the dark room I slumped down on the sofa and kicked my shoes off. Finally I dared unleash the chaos of thoughts and feelings that were whirring around in my brain. She was James' ex? And she had worked on the show? The fact that I had never known that came as a huge surprise, and the biggest surprise was that James had never told me. What else didn't I know? As my dark and jealous thoughts spun out of control I completely lost track of time. A gentle knock on the door tore me out of my preoccupation. I didn't answer. I heard a keycard being pushed into the slot and the door opening, then closing. James turned on some of the lights, but not all of them. Stubbornly I refused to turn around to look at him. I saw him in the corner of my eye as he rounded the sofa and sat down next to me.   
“Hello,” he said softly, looking at me warily, gauging my mood.  
“Hi..” I mumbled, then silence fell again.  
“You know, they have bathrooms downstairs as well,” he said gently, trying to break the ice. I wasn't in the mood for jokes and didn't reply. James kept looking at me, still trying to gauge my temper, keeping his mouth shut in fear of making it worse. In the long silence that followed I tried to decide which question to ask first.  
“Was she the one you were dating when you met me?” I asked.   
“Yes,” he said simply.  
“Was she with you in Syria? Were you dating then?”  
“Yes.”  
“And was she at the studio when you took me there?”  
“Mm,” James admitted, squirming a little now.   
“Were you still with her at last years' Christmas party?”  
“No,” James said, relieved to finally be able to shake his head. “I broke it off around early November, I think.”   
“Oh...” I fiddled with my hands, and James still kept quiet. “I just... never knew she worked on the show. And that she was in Syria, and at the studio... You never told me that.” Accusation was seeping through my voice like poison.   
“She worked in the AD-department, god knows doing what exactly. When I ended it, she kept her distance for a while. Or maybe I just didn't notice her, all I could think about was you anyway. And then, when we had that... stupid argument, I was so unhappy. She picked up on it, probably even guessed why, you women are eerie like that. Anyway, she kept coming on to me, flirting, trying to kiss me...” While James spoke I felt my heart sink to the floor, a frail glass heart just waiting to be stomped on. What was he trying to tell me? Had something happened between James and her in those six weeks we didn't see each other? As soon as the thought entered my head, I felt my bottom lip starting to quiver. But James had broken up with me. If something had happened, had he technically done anything wrong? In my minds eye I could just picture it happen; James at work, tired and unhappy, in desperate need for some comfort or a distraction. “Emily? Are you even listening to me?”  
“Huh what? Sorry, yeah.” I shook my head in an effort to clear it, then swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the painful lump in my throat.   
“As I was saying, I kept having to turn her down, push her away. I couldn't find any comfort in her company anyway, you were the only thing on my mind, I was missing you so much. In the end I think she packed up and found another job because she couldn't deal with being rejected. She's probably never been turned down by a man in her entire life. Especially not by someone like... me,” James finished with a sad little shrug. When I still said nothing James sighed and took my hand in both of his, squeezing it tight. “Emily, listen... I'm sorry that I never told you she used to work on the show, to be honest it never really crossed my mind that I should have told you. I broke it off with her because you were all I could think of in the first place. And when you and I got together I didn't think to tell you, I was just so caught up in... you, and us. Then she resigned and I never saw her any more. Nothing happened between her and me after the relationship ended. Please, don't be angry with me, I didn't mean to lie or hide anything from you.”  
“I'm not angry with you,” I said a little irritably.  
“...No?” James asked, scepticism etched in his voice.   
“No. I'm angry at myself for letting her get to me. And for letting all my crazy, paranoid, super-jealous hormones completely take over my brain. I'm such a pathetic... woman!” I huffed. Listening to James talking, I had realised I wasn't really angry with him, I really didn't have a reason to. I had known he was dating someone when we met, the fact that she had worked on Top Gear really wasn't that significant. Not unless I made it out to be, but that was my choice. He had a past just like I had, and sometimes that past would catch up with us. James let out a snort of laughter before he managed to stop himself.   
“No, sweetheart...” He said, squeezing my hand comfortingly. “You're a pregnant woman. Taking that into consideration, I'm impressed you didn't punch her in the face.”   
“Ooooh, I would've loved to. And broken all her pretty dental veneers. I hate her,” I sulked, crossing my arms over my chest like a defiant child. “She made me feel short. And fat. And ugly. And boring.” When I had finished moping, James looked at me under raised eyebrows, biting his bottom lip in an effort not to laugh at me. Looking at him, I heard the echo of what I had just said in my own head, and we both broke down giggling. “You know... Looking at her, I can't believe you chose someone like me over her, though,” I admitted when I had finished laughing, still feeling that nagging insecurity.  
“Oh, Emily... It was never a choice. After I met you... There was only you. And I can't believe how lucky I was that you wanted me back.” At these words I was the one who had to bite my lip, this time in an effort not to break down crying. James saw my eye well up and cocked his head a little.   
“I.... Thank you,” I sniffed. “God damn it! I hate this emotional fucking roller-coaster. I can't control it.”   
“Emily, don't let her get to you. She was just out to upset you, trying to push all your buttons. And by sitting up here you're just letting her win,” James said, showing an uncharacteristic understanding of the female psyche. “She's just... jealous, I think. God knows why, she could have literally any man she wanted, god knows why she's got her mind set on me.”  
“I think that's exactly why,” I said as I sat up a little straighter and posessively wrapped my arms around James' neck. “See, she's found a man she absolutely cannot have, and its driving her up the wall. She's not getting her way, and she just can't deal with it.”  
“Mmm, maybe,” James hummed, absent-mindedly caressing my shoulder. “Come back downstairs, please? Don't let her ruin tonight. Let's go back, we'll talk to our friends, have some fun. And I want to dance with you. A lot. Because even if I'm a rubbish dancer, I love dancing with you.”   
“That sounds nice. I want to dance with you too.” Seeing James smiling at me, I had already completely forgotten about that woman downstairs.  
“Good,” he said and gave me a little kiss. “Come on, then.” James got up and extended a hand to me, helping me up from the sofa. Still holding his hand for support I shoved my feet back into my shoes. Hand in hand we left the hotel room and walked down the hallway towards the elevator.   
“James?”  
“Mm?”  
“Thank you. For being so... patient,” I said quietly. I pressed the button, calling the lift to our floor.   
“I'm not being patient. I just love you.” A little silence fell as we waited for the elevator.  
“James?”  
“Mm?”  
“How on earth could you date such a horrid bitch?” At this question James let out his loud, characteristic laugh, his eyes crinkling up.   
“God knows. She was very good at pretending to be likeable. For a while.”   
“Pfff, you were just blinded by her mile-long legs ending in a very short skirt,” I snorted.   
“All right, fine,” he chortled, rolling his eyes. There was a ding, the elevator doors opened and we stepped inside. James pressed the button for the first floor. Turning to face him I buried my fingers in his hair and messed it up. “What are you doing?” James frowned.   
“I want her to think we only sneaked off to have a quick shag,” I said seriously. A sly smirk spread on James' face and he wrapped his arms around my lower back, pulling me in as close as possible. Leaning down a little he brushed his nose against mine, his lips hovering over my mouth. At the same time I felt one of his hands slide down my back to caress the curve of my bum.   
“You know, we could actually...” he whispered. Before he could finish his sentence I took his bottom lip in a kiss, sucking on it a little before pulling away.   
“Mmmm, tempting,” I hummed. “But you promised me lots of dancing.” James huffed in frustration.   
“I guess I did,” he conceded.   
“There's always later,” I reminded him. Grabbing him by the lapels on his tuxedo jacket I pulled him in for a long, needy kiss, completely disregarding the state of my lipstick. We were both so caught up in the kiss neither of us heard the ding as the elevator doors opened. The sound of someone clearing their throat made me pull away. Standing by the elevator door was an elderly lady, looking rather shocked at our unseemly behaviour. I felt myself blushing furiously as I grabbed James' hand and quickly strode past her out of the elevator. When we heard the elevator door close behind us we both burst out giggling like childish teenagers. 

Later that night I found myself on the dance floor, arms wrapped closely around James. I had managed to push the thought of that awful woman out of my mind and enjoy myself after we had returned to the party. I had goofed around on the dance-floor with Hamster and Jezza, having lots of laughs. But now the music was slowing down and it was James' turn.   
“Can you believe its been a year since we were last here?” James mumbled.   
“Hmm.. Both yes and no. Just... So much has happened this past year, you know?”  
“Yeah, I know. I'm just... amazed you still want to be with me, considering all of my cock-ups,” he mumbled apologetically.   
“Aaw, James... You're not the only one who made some mistakes.” I said, caressing the back of his neck. “Of course I still want to be with you. I love living my life with you.” At this James smiled a little shyly, then gave me a grateful kiss.   
“You know, a year ago, when we were dancing like this... The entire time, all I could think was 'kiss her. Kiss her, you daft coward'.”  
“At least you did a few weeks later,” I smiled. “You're welcome to kiss me again, by the way, because Janet is watching and she's looking a little sour,” I added with an evil grin. I had caught her staring in the corner of my eye, and I couldn't help but feel a little gleeful.   
“You're really enjoying making her jealous, aren't you?” James chuckled.   
“Immensely.” James obliged and gave me another kiss. Sighing happily I wrapped my arms tighter around him and rested my head on his shoulder as we revolved slowly. “James?”  
“Mm?” He hummed blissfully.   
“About a year from now, when you see me in my sweats, with spit-up all over me and huge black rings under my eyes, and a birds nest for hair, weeping into a bowl of baby porridge, completely wrecked by the breastfeeding fog, looking like the plague...” While I spoke James chuckled quietly. “Could you just do me a favour and please remember me like this?” I lifted my head off his shoulder and looked at him pleadingly.  
“I'm sure you'll look just as beautiful then as you do now,” James said seriously.   
“Liar,” I snorted.   
“I promise that I will always remember you like this. For as long as I live,” he vowed.   
“Good answer,” I sighed, smiling so widely it almost hurt. “Listen, I know you said you wanted to dance with me a lot, but is there any chance we could just skip that and go back upstairs?” I suggested innocently, fiddling with one of his lapels. “We could dance upstairs, too..?”  
“That is a most excellent suggestion,” he grinned.


	64. Chapter 64

We quickly did the rounds and said goodnight to Jezza and Hamster. They were both drunk and grinning like old perverts when we announced that we were going to retire for the evening. Ignoring their sly remarks we left the party and took the elevator up to our suite. Entering the room I took the time to admire everything this time; the luxurious interior, the rich fabrics, the absolutely enormous, inviting bed. Coming to a halt in front of the windows I stared at the beautiful view of London at night, shining a little extra now that it was dressed up for Christmas.   
“James, this is... perfect. Thank you,” I sighed, reluctantly turning away from the view.   
“You're welcome,” he smiled. James was hovering in the middle of the room, looking secretive. “Now, I know you can't have champagne or anything, so I went for the next best thing...” He went over to a cupboard door that looked like all the others in the room. Behind it was a hidden refrigerator, and emerging from it James held a tub of Ben & Jerry's and a spoon. He had a boyish, exaggerated grin on him as he held out the tub. I squealed and clapped with happiness, and James grinned widely, satisfied with his own surprise.   
“Go on, sit down.” Landing next to me on the sofa he handed me the tub and spoon, which I accepted eagerly.   
“See, this is why you are the one I want to live my life with,” I said as I tore into the tub.   
“Because I buy you ice cream?” James asked, raising an eyebrow.   
“No. Because you understand me, and know what I need,” I mumbled, then kissed him with a mouth full of cookie dough ice-cream. He hummed and returned the kiss, then licked his lips.   
“That stuff is pretty good.”  
“What, the kisses or the ice cream?”  
“Mmm both,” he hummed and I kissed him again. For a while we sat there in silence, me in my gown and James in his fancy suit, happily sharing the ice cream, chuckling and making a deliberate mess of things. Feeling more relaxed, we both kicked off our shoes and sank deeper into the sofa.  
“So it this my reward for not punching your ex in the face?” I smirked, unable to stop myself from asking.   
“Not really. She actually deserved a good wallop the way she was behaving. She was awful to you.“  
“I still can't believe you dated someone as horrid as her.”  
“You kissed my best mate,” James retorted back instantly.  
“... Touché!” I snorted. Both of us were far too flirty and content to have a mind to be annoyed with each other, we both were just teasing. Putting down the half-empty tub of ice cream I rose out of the sofa and extended a hand to James. He peered questioningly at me.   
“You promised me lots of dancing, Mister May,” I said portentously.   
“Well, of course, Miss Brendan,” he said and shot out of his seat, hurriedly taking my hand and following me out onto the open floor. Hungry for closeness I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him close. “Hmm there's no music,” James pointed out pedantically.  
“I don't care,” I said in a low, seductive voice, leaning in to kiss him slowly. James hummed and deepened the kiss as he wrapped his arms closer around me. We quickly gave up any pretense of dancing as we both lost ourselves in each others lips. An involuntary wince escaped me as James expertly ran his tongue over my bottom lip, knowing full well what it did to me. Suddenly I had a vivid flash of Janet kissing James. Her lean, tanned arms around his neck, her lips on his. Would he have done the same thing to her, kissed her the same way? Jealousy and frustration flared up in me. I kissed him harder, possessively, desperate to force the image out of my head. James was here, he was kissing me, holding me, there was no point in thinking about her. James hummed and ran his hands over my back and down my bum, responding to my kisses. Releasing his lips I stared hard into his eyes. “God, I want you so much, I have all night. You have no idea how strapping you look in that suit. With your wavy, gorgeous hair and those dazzling blue eyes,” I crooned, staring admiringly at him. James blushed and blinked a few times as he always did when he was paid a compliment and felt awkward.   
“If I didn't know any better I'd think you were coming on to me,” he smirked.   
“Oh I definitely am.” Slowly I slipped my hands inside the collar of his dinner jacket, slipping my palms over his shoulders and down his arms, removing the jacket, feeling his shape as I went. Distractedly I tossed the jacket over the back of the sofa, then turned my attention to his bow-tie. Holding his gaze firmly I undid the bow, pulled it off and threw it in the same direction as the jacket. I began on the buttons on his shirt but only managed to undo a few before I couldn't stand it any longer and had to kiss him again, this time slipping my hand underneath his shirt-collar, taking his neck in a firm hold.  
“Emily...” James began, gently pulling away from me. “I have a confession to make.” The way he said it made me slightly unnerved.   
“What?”  
“I really want to take that dress off you, but I've been looking for a zip all evening and I can't find it.” I couldn't help but giggle at the slightly despairing look on James' face.   
“Here, baby... It's at the back, under a seam,” I explained, turning my back to him. James fumbled a little at my back and then made a sound of revelation as he found it.  
“Aha, there's the bugger...” He mumbled. As my zip started to open I also felt his lips at the back of my neck, kissing and licking my skin. Goosebumps blossomed on my neck and back as he caressed me with his mouth. Having pulled the zip all the way down he slid the straps down my shoulders, his fingertips delicately tracking the path of the straps as the slid down my arms and the dress eventually fell to the floor. Before I had a chance to turn around he wrapped his arms closely around me, burying his face against the side of my neck. Rough, manly palms slid over my growing tummy and my hips. “Mm, I love your body,” he hummed. “I want you all the time. I always do.”   
“Even now?”  
“Even more now. Does that make me a pervert of some kind?”   
“Mm, a little. But you're my pervert,” I giggled and turned around in his arms.   
“Is that... new?” James' eyes widened as I turned around and he eyed my underwear, which matched the dress I had been wearing earlier.  
“Um, yeah... My bras barely fit any more, for… natural physiological reasons,” I said with a little shrug.   
“I have noticed,” he grinned. “It's not a complaint, its an observation,” he added quickly, holding up his palms disarmingly. Seizing the opportunity I quickly undid James' belt and suit trousers, letting them fall to the floor. Not hearing any complaints from James I made quick work of the buttons on his shirt and unceremoniously pulled it off him. Considering himself undressed enough, James strong, tanned arms clamped around me like a vice and he pulled me backwards to the bed, sitting down with me straddling his lap. The warm, electric feeling as his skin hit mine made my breath hitch in my throat. James' hands sprang to the back of my bra, frantically trying to undo it. “For crying out loud, I hate it when they're new...” He grumbled. Giggling to myself I let him fiddle for a bit while I distracted him by kissing and dragging my teeth across his collarbone. My heart was racing like mad and I could already feel the pulsating, wet warmth between my legs. Finally getting the bra-clasp open James tore it off me with a huff and clamped his arms around me again. We both groaned as we made contact again. “C'mere,” he mumbled between kisses and inched back on the bed, moving further onto it. I inched after him on my knees, refusing to break the kiss. James remained sitting on the middle of the bed, me still straddling him. Bending down a little he trailed hot, eager kisses down my chest and I buried my fingers into his hair, breathing heavily.   
“Oh, god...” I moaned as James' lips reached my breasts. They had grown increasingly more sensitive lately, so much so that James knew to be more careful with them or it would just be uncomfortable. Without even thinking about it I was rocking on James' lap, grinding my hips against him. When James removed his mouth from my breasts he straightened up, looking at me with glittering eyes and his hair on end. I looked back at him with an open mouth, my breath fast and ragged.   
“You seem a little flustered, Miss Brendan...” he smirked proudly, thoroughly enjoying how easy I was to excite.   
“You are such a.. thorough scamp,” I breathed.   
“And you are going to become a mother? With that potty mouth?” He teased. His hand which had been resting on my back, slid around my side to the front along the edge of the knickers, his fingertips barely brushing my skin. The fingertips swooped down between my legs and James grinned when he felt the dampness and the heat emanating through the fabric. He quickly ran his fingers over the wet spot a few times, but before I had a chance to react his hand had made its way into my knickers. James' eyes was locked into mine as he rubbed my pussy with his palm. Clinging onto his neck, unable to take my eyes from him, I gasped open-mouthed as one fingertip, then two made their way between my labia, finding my clit. James' fingers were relentless as he worked on me. I bit my lip to silence myself, gasping again. For a moment I just closed my eyes and entirely gave over to pleasure, but sensing how quickly it was mounting in me, my eyes snapped open again.   
“No, wait.... James... Stop,” I gasped, barely getting the words out.  
“Why?” He challenged.  
“Stop, or I'll..” The rest of my sentence turned into a groan.   
“Come? That was my intention,” he growled, not letting up.   
“Jesus..!” I groaned, clinging to James. Realising that James wasn't going to stop I closed my eyes, giving over to pleasure again as I began to grind my hips against his fingers, moving faster and faster. My chase for my climax was over almost before it began and I froze up, gasping for air before I lost control and began bucking and shaking against him, yowling with pleasure. As the orgasm receded I came to my senses again, releasing the clutch I had on James' neck. Opening my eyes I was met by James' mischievous look. Lost for words, all I could do was stare at him as a shudder ran through me.   
“You okay?” James whispered when I still hadn't said anything, brushing his nose gently against mine.   
“Mmm, very. Thank you,” I said. Taking his lips in a tender kiss I pushed him gently down onto the mattress, slipping a pillow under his head. Coming to rest on top of him I ran my hand over his hair and cheek before letting go of his lips. “Lying like this is becoming a bit of a balancing act,” I smiled, feeling how my tummy was starting to get in the way. Resting against him I felt his erection trapped between us, and I decided I wanted to return the favour. I kissed his mouth again, then trailed kisses down his neck and chest. Sitting on my knees next to him I slipped a finger into the lining of his boxers, beginning to pull them down. James raised his hips a little to help me, and I slid his boxers down his legs and threw them on the floor. Not having revealed my intentions to James I felt his eyes on me, watching me intently as I bent low to kiss his hip and lower stomach. Straightening up again I locked eyes with him then gently wrapped my palm around his cock. James gave a little sigh of relief and did his best to keep his eyes open. I swirled my thumb over his sensitive head, making him even more wet than he already was. Teasingly slowly I began moving my hand up and down his length. He gave a little groan of pleasure and his eyelids fluttered, but he was still refusing to let me go with his eyes. Sitting on my knees by his hips like this, touching or focusing on no other part of James than his crotch was something new, something I hadn't tried before. Feeling James' eyes staring at me so intently I felt a little self-conscious. But most of all I just wanted to repay some of the intense pleasure James had given me, and from where I was sitting now I could gauge all his reactions; his facial expressions changing, his hands clenching up, his chest heaving. Increasing the pace a little resulted in James giving another moan and closing his eyes, digging the back of his head into the pillow. Seizing the opportunity while he wasn't looking I slipped my free hand up the inside of his thigh and cupped his scrotum gently. He froze a little at this new, unexpected sensation. Still pumping him I kept my other hand still for a moment, then I gently began moving my fingertips, barely massaging him. Another half-surprised groan escaped James, and looking up at him quickly his eyes was still closed, his cheeks flushed. Encouraged by this I massaged his balls a little harder, also increasing the pace with which I was stroking him.   
“Oh goh---” James winced, instinctively raising his hips up to my hand. I enjoyed this, enjoyed the reactions I was getting from him, seeing the pleasure I was giving him. James was leaking now, becoming increasingly more wet. Getting carried away by an urge to experiment I pressed two fingers against his perineum, massaging it gently while still cupping his balls. In response James' cock twitched and he raised his hips up to meet my hand. “Fucking hell, that feel so fucking... good...” I couldn't help but give a satisfied smirk as I looked at James. He was completely lost in a world of pleasure, his mouth hanging open, his eyes tightly shut. Wanting to see how far I could push him I bent low and placed my mouth over the head of his cock, swirling my tongue over and around it, all the while massaging his balls. “Bloody...!” He gasped as he felt the added sensation of my tongue on him, and his breathing grew quicker while he huffed, moaned and swore erratically. I slid more of him into my mouth, feeling his salty taste on my tongue. His cock was straining now, almost painful, and I knew he couldn't hold on for much longer. I wanted him to come, but not without me, so I took my lips off him, then removed my hands. James' eyes sprang open, full of desperation.   
“God, Emily...” he began complaining, watching me straightening up. Standing on my knees on the bed I calmly pulled my knickers down and took them off. “.. you can't just... stop...” James continued, but his voice trailed off as he watched the knickers disappear, mesmerized.   
“I'm not,” I said determinedly as I swung a leg over his hips, straddling him. Leaning down, supporting myself on my arms, I hovered over him, gazing into his eyes. Slowly I grinded against him, rubbing my wet pussy against his already tortured cock. James' hands dug into my hips, pushing himself up against me. Angling my hips a little was enough to let him slide inside me, and we both let out a groan of relief. Feeling him inside me made my own passion flare up instantly, like a thousand fires, I couldn't restrain myself and go slow. Huffing and wincing I rocked quickly on James' cock, as much out to please myself as him.   
“I'm not... going to last long,” James warned with a huff.   
“Me neither, so don't worry,” I huffed back. Standing on all fours over James I thrust down against him, hard and fast. James raised his hips up to meet me, matching my speed. His arms were clamped around my lower back, pulling me down towards him to increase the force, and his mouth was against my neck, kissing and sucking on my skin. The sound of our bodies slamming against each other mixed with the sounds of our heavy breathing, our gasps and moans as the pleasure intensified for both of us. I moaned James' name as a way of warning when I felt something shift within me, letting me know that in a few more thrusts I would explode. My breath hitched in my throat and I couldn't breathe as the orgasm first hit me, every nerve and muscle in my body tensed up. The way I had groaned his name and the way I was now clenching around him pushed James over, and he dug his fingers into my bum and slammed his hips up against me a few more times before he seized up in a long, strained groan. I was amazed when I realised I could actually feel him come, how his cock pulsated as he emptied himself into me. Heaving for air with a sting in my chest I collapsed against him. We lay completely still for a while as we regained our breaths. After a while James wrapped a strong arm around me and gently laid me on my side next to him. Smiling a little he ran his hand over my hair, studying me. There was warmth and adoration in his eyes, but also something else, something that looked like disbelief or awe. I lowered my eyebrows a little, wordlessly asking him what was on his mind. He shook his head almost imperceptibly.  
“Sex has never felt this way before,” he said quietly.   
“Like just now?” I frowned a little. If that was what he meant, what had made this time so special? He shook his head again.  
“No, just... with you. I know we've been together nearly a year now, but it still blows my mind, the way it feels. I never thought I'd get to have sex like this with anyone. Ever.”  
“...No?” I asked, unable to keep myself from smiling as I felt touched and just a little proud.   
“I thought I'd had good sex before I met you, but... And I don't know what makes it so different. Maybe its just because I trust you so completely, being with you has always felt so safe and familiar. Or maybe its just because I love you in a way I have never loved another human in my entire life.”   
“That might be it,” I nodded slowly, smiling from ear to ear. “Or maybe I'm just a goddess in bed?” I suggested, but chuckled at my own brashness. “I know what you mean, though... I feel the same way, its never felt the way it does with you. I love you, too,” I sighed happily and kissed him.   
“I have a suggestion. Want to come take a bath with me? The tub at home isn't big enough to fit both of us, but this one is.”   
“That is a most excellent suggestion,” I grinned.   
“I'll go and sort that out then. You just stay here and relax until I call you, yeah?” James suggested, leaning in for a quick kiss. I remained on the bed as James crawled out of it. Unable to help myself I followed him with my eyes as he made his way around the bed and towards the bathroom.   
“I really like your bum!” I called after him as he disappeared. I heard him laugh, then the water running. With a content sigh I rolled onto my back and looked around the room, taking in the beautiful surroundings. I ran my palms absent-mindedly over my stomach, caressing it. Wonder what it was doing now? Was he or she sleeping? Or maybe wondering what on earth mummy had just been doing?   
“Come on.” James' head appeared in the doorway to the bathroom, and I crawled ungraciously out of bed and padded naked into the bathroom. James had lit a few candles along a tiled edge of the tub and turned down the lights a little.   
“I do really love your bum,” I insisted as I reached James, slipped my arms around him and squeezed his arse.   
“That's your horny hormones talking,” he said sternly.   
“Oooh no, I loved this arse loooong before any horny hormones came into the picture,” I persisted, squeezing again.   
“Will you just get into the damn tub, woman,” he huffed, pretending to be a little annoyed. Even so he held my hand, supporting me as I climbed into the steaming warm water.   
“Oh god, hot, hot!” I squealed as I immersed my body.   
“Move over a little,” James said as he climbed in. He sat down behind me, slipping a leg on either side of me. Resting back against the tub he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him. I leaned backwards, resting my back against his chest, melting into him.   
“James... We have to get a bigger tub,” I sighed.   
“I know,” he said quietly and kissed the side of my face. A serene calm descended between us as I played with James' fingers, enjoying the warm water and the feel of being in his arms. “Are you looking forward to Christmas?” James asked after a long silence.  
“Hm? Yeah, I am... I mean, it'll be strange not being with my family, it'll be the first time in my entire life that I'm not with at least some of them. But last year, all I did was miss you the entire time, it took the fun out of everything.”   
“.. And we weren't even together then,” he pointed out.  
“That's what I'm looking forward to this Christmas. Spending it with you.”   
“Even if that means being with my family?” He challenged, I could hear the teasing smirk in his voice.   
“Yes,” I answered simply. “Besides, it's just for a day or two, right?”   
“Mm,” James hummed. “I want you all to myself for the rest of the holidays.”   
“You have me all to yourself all the time,” I pointed out, smiling.   
“But I won't have for that much longer,” he retorted mildly, slipping his palm over my stomach. “I just can't wait to spend my first Christmas with you.” I ran my hands over James' under the water.   
“Can you believe that by next Christmas we'll have a seven month old baby in our house?” I mused.   
“Mmmno. I'm trying to get to grips with that fact every day, really,” he admitted.  
“Me too.” Sighing happily I rested my head back against James' shoulder, utterly at peace with everything in the world. Then my head snapped upright again. “James. I just realised I don't have anything with me bar my underwear and a now very crumpled gown lying on the floor out there.”   
“Don't worry, I packed a few things. T-shirt, jumper, shoes, jeans...”  
“Did you take the ones with the e-..”  
“Yes, I took the ones with the elastic-y bit on,” he droned, I could practically hear him roll his eyes behind me. I had given up on proper jeans and bought a few maternity ones, just because they were more comfortable.   
“Good spaniel,” I said and patted his arm, resting back against him.   
“Good spaniels think of everything,” he said matter of factly. “Besides, you are not going to wear anything until tomorrow morning anyway..”  
“Okay...” I said, twisting my neck in order to give him a peck on the cheek. James' hand began moving over my body, effortlessly sliding over my chest and stomach, my hips and thighs. I felt extremely comfortable in the warm water, being cocooned in James' lap, his arms and legs around me, and I made a purring sound that made James chuckle softly. His hands paused by my breasts, cupping each one lightly while caressing them with his thumbs.  
“What are you doing?” I asked quietly with my eyes closed.   
“Just touching you...” He replied innocently. Soft, light kisses fell on my ear and neck. My sensitive breasts responded quickly to James' handling, however gentle, and my nipples grew hard and rough against his thumb. Having gotten the resulted he wanted, his hands slid from my breasts and traveled down my body again, over my sides and hips. Reaching my thigh, one of his hands slipped to the inside of it, grazing over the skin lightly until his hand came to rest against my pussy. I felt James' breath in my ear, then how he took my earlobe between his lips, sucking on it before dragging his teeth lightly over it. At the same time he parted me with his fingers and began caressing my clit with his fingertip. I had no other word for it, his touch was so gentle and tender. Unaware of doing it I spread my legs a little.   
“Oh god.. James...” I breathed, feeling how my blood began rushing in my veins.  
“Hmm?” James hummed into my ear, deep and seductive, his voice resonated within me and made me shiver.   
“I've already.. come twice....” I stammered, almost feeling guilty for being given so much attention.   
“I'm not keeping score,” he said flatly, his voice still hushed and seductive. “For once I have more stamina than you. And I will never be able to make you come this easily again, so let me just enjoy it, yeah?” While he spoke his fingertips kept caressing my clit. “Have you ever had an orgasm under water?” His lips brushed delicately over my neck, the sensation was so delightful I shuddered in his arms.   
“No...” I breathed. When he spoke again his voice was just a whisper, he spoke close to my ear, his lips sometimes brushing over it. “See... I love being able to do this... Love being able to do something that feels good for you, something that gives you pleasure....” While he spoke he rubbed my clit a little firmer, making me draw my breath sharply. “I love that just by touching you like this... I can make your heart beat faster... Your mouth falls open as your breathing gets heavier.... And your eyes close because you can't focus on seeing, all you want to focus on is the pleasure you're feeling.” At this point my eyes were already closed. My head was resting back against James' shoulder and I rested completely against him, feeling as if I had James all around me. As the intensity of the pleasure rose a little I bit my bottom lip as a wince escaped me. His lips brushed over my skin again before he continued in the same low, husky whisper. “I love that sound. I love being able to make you wince and moan, and sometimes even scream in ecstasy...” As the tension rose even more in me I grabbed hold of the edge of the tub, needing something to hold on to. James' free hand, which had been resting on my stomach, slid up to a breast and cupped it, flicking his thumb over my nipple. I gasped and tensed up even more in his arms, pushing my hips against his hand. “I love being able to make you arc your back like that... Like a cat stretching.. Love feeling your nipples grow hard, and your pussy grow wet under my fingers...” James was in total control of everything he was doing to me, he was playing all my keys as well as he could play his piano. My mind was reeling, overloaded from all the different sensations. I didn't know what to focus on, his hand between my legs, his fingers pinching my nipple lightly, his breath and voice in my ear, it was all too much. Arching my back even more I dug the back of my head into James' shoulder, raising my hips, desperate for more. “I love making you beg me to go faster... Or harder... When you beg me not to stop...” As he said this his fingers eased up on the pressure and speed, knowing he had slowed down at a crucial time. The pit of my stomach was burning, my entire being was throbbing, it felt like he'd left me hanging on the edge of a cliff.   
“Don't stop, James...! Harder...!” I begged, plunging a hand into the water and placing it on top of his, pressing his hand against my pussy. James listened to my begging and increased the pressure on my clit again. “Oh god, right there..!” I huffed as he hit exactly the right spot. Resolutely running his fingertips over me, he pinched my nipple and sucked at my earlobe at the same time. I jerked against his hand, moaning loudly.  
“But most of all I love... making you come. I love hearing the change in your voice, the way your legs start to shake... The way you tense up just as your body is about to let go, the way you twitch and tremble as the orgasm washes through you...” I could barely hear James' words, all I could focus on was the climax that was building in me, but I vaguely registered that my body was doing everything he was saying. As the orgasm finally hit I grinded my hips frantically at his hand, needing more, always more. James' fingers kept their relentless pace on my clit as I rode out my orgasm, holding me tight against his own body with his free arm. After a few long, strained groans I collapsed against James, and for along while all that could be heard was the gentle slosh of the water and my heavy breathing. His hand slid gently away from my pussy and he wrapped both arms around me, just holding me quietly, letting me enjoy the remnants of my high in peace. Regaining the use of my limbs I ran my hand over James' arm, caressing him.   
“If you keep this up... I'm not going to have the energy to be a mum,” I mumbled, nearly too tired to speak. James chuckled softly.   
“Ready to go to bed? Its probably getting very, very late...”  
“Hmm...” I hummed. Finding the energy to move away from him and get out of the warm water was almost impossible, in the end James had to give me a hand. We wrapped each other in crisp, fluffy, white towels, brushed our teeth and crawled into bed. James flicked off the lights and pulled me closer, sighing happily. “James? When do we have to check out tomorrow?”  
“... Exactly when we want to,” he mumbled, already half asleep.   
“And when is breakfast?”  
“When we call room-service.”


	65. Chapter 65

That next week I went Christmas-shopping. James had exonerated me from having to buy any presents for _his_ family, as I really didn't know anyone in his family well enough to buy them presents. I had sorted presents for my nieces, nephews and my dad in the first week of December as I knew the post could take a while. Deciding to be a bit of a nigthmare, and having no idea what to buy men who had literally everything, I ended up going online and getting ridiculous presents for Jeremy and Richard. Jezza would get a wooden “Ford GT” gear knob along with a “Ford GT Enthusiasts' club” t-shirt, just to really rub his face in his love/hate relationship with the car. Hamster would get a teacup that said “Oliver” with little hearts on it. James nearly died laughing when I showed it to him. That only left me to go out and get little bits and bobs for my own friends. I made girlie goodiebags for Cathy and Kellie, filling them with wine and facemasks and candy and scented candles. For Ben and Jo I made a “survival bag for tired parents”.  
   
As I came home laden with bags I dropped them all on the floor of the hallway and gave a long, strained groan of frustration. James' head poked out of the kitchen.  
“Whats up?”  
“I hate Christmas,” I growled.  
“Uh-oh,” he mumbled, retracting his head, taking cover.  
“No, I don't hate Christmas. I just hate the idea of having to get people presents. People have _everything_ these days, why do we have to give them _more stuff?!_ ” I complained as I entered the kitchen and plopped down on a chair. I stared at James, waiting for an answer, a solution to my problems. “Well?!”  
“I.. don't know what to say..” James stammered. “Because I sort of.. agree with you. Is there someone you can't think of a gift for?” He asked sympathetically. At this I just nodded, then suddenly a wave of emotions hit me so forcefully I started bawling like a child. I knew the reason for it was absolutely ridiculous, but I couldn't control it. Horrified James walked over to me, placing his hand tentatively on my shoulder. “Hey, what's wrong? It's just Christmas presents, it can't have made you _that_ upset?” At this I looked up at him, my eyes brimming with tears.  
“Yes it has! I can't think of a single fucking thing to get you. I'm a horrible, useless girlfriend,” I wailed, sobbing grossly. “I fucking live with you, I want to live the rest of my life with you, and I can't even think of what to get you! I can't think of a single thing to give you that isn't socks or a fucking tie!”  
“Tie? I never wear ties.” Refusing to see the joke I wailed even harder. James sat down next to me, taking my hands in both of his. “Emily... Calm down. Breathe. Now stop yammering, and breathe.” His stern tone made me look up at him, a final sob escaping me. “Emily. Its _just_ a Christmas gift. Even _I_ wouldn't know what to get me, because I have everything.”  
“I still should be able to figure something out, I'm supposed to.. know you really well and be able to come up with _something!_ ”  
“But there isn't everything I need, and I can't think of anything I want. I _have_ everything I need, because I have you.”  
“But... I can't _not_ give you a Christmas gift.”  
“Hey... You are growing our baby, you can't give me a better gift than that, ” he ventured.  
“Are you going to use all the clichés in the book?” I asked, failing to hold back a little smirk.  
“Well.... Are they working?” He smiled back.  
“A little..,” I conceded. Feeling stupid and hysterical I embarrassed I leaned into him, in search of comfort and a place to hide.  
“So... Hormones being particularly bad today, then?” James asked, holding me close. My first impulse was to get offended, but my next impulse of laughing heartily quickly won.  
“Just a bit.”  
“If it really is that important to you, just get me a new laptop charger, my old one only works if you jiggle it about, probably has a lead break in it. And I could probably do with some new socks...”  
“God, that's boring.”  
“I don't know what to tell you. You _are_ dating _me_....” He sighed. I giggled a little and gave him a teary kiss.  
   
Christmas was upon us before I knew it. On the morning of Christmas Eve I decided to stick to my own traditions and padded around the house all morning in pyjamas and huge fluffy lsippers, watching the traditional Disney cartoons and a few “Home Alone” films on telly.  
“So this is what Norwegians do on Christmas Eve?” James asked with a raised eyebrow as he sat down on the sofa, nudging me to make some space for him. I moved over a little, then rested my head back down, using his thigh as a pillow.  
“No. This is what _I_ do on Christmas Eve morning.”  
“Morning? It's 2pm!” He objected.  
“I don't give a toss what everyone else does. Mostly they run around trying to sort out everything for Christmas Eve dinner and get dressed up for some church sermon they never make it to anyway. While they run around, I sit around in my pyjamas and eat gingerbread cookies and watch Baloo dance. _'Look for the.. bare necessities...'_ ” I hummed, singing along with the cartoon.  
“You are bonkers,” James chortled.  
“Now, keep in mind that if I hadn't been pregnant I would've been half drunk on mulled wine already as well,” I added, holding up a hand. “And don't call me bonkers, I'm not even wearing my santas hat this year!”  
“... Santa's hat?”  
“Yeah, I had one of those really long ones, I think mine went past my knees.”  
“Oh, right. No no, you're the picture of mental health, you are.”  
“Actually, I am. Everyone else is running around like headless chickens during Christmas time, doing _everything_ they can to please everyone, the kids, the parents, the wife, the husband, the inlaws... No matter how hard you try, you _can't_ please anyone anyway, so I just.. don't. My family is disappointed that I'm not there, that I chose to be here, I know that even if they haven't said so. I could've done some compromise and spent a few days here, a few days there, but in the end it wouldn't be the same.” As I talked I had sat up, and now I wrapped my arms around James. “So instead of doing that, I'm staying here, enjoying myself and my time with you.”  
   
   
We had Christmas dinner at James' sisters house on the outskirts of London. All of James' family were there, his parents, siblings with their spouses, his nieces and nephews. It was nice to spend more time with his family and get them to know a little better. Naturally my tummy got the most attention of the evening, and James' nieces and nephews were particularly curious, asking tonnes of questions as children always did. We drove home late that night, promising we'd be back relatively early for the presents and lunch the next day.  
   
I was awakened the next day by a soft kiss on the mouth.  
“Merry Christmas, sleepyhead,” James' voice said softly. Eyes still closed I smiled sleepily, stretching a little.  
“Merry Christmas, sweetheart.” My voice was thick with sleep.  
“I'm sorry to wake you, but... We have to get up soon if we're going over to my sister's...” he apologised.  
“I know, it's okay,” I said and stretched again, trying to wake myself up.  
“But before we did that, I was thinking maybe we could swap presents?” James' face lit up with childlike excitement at his own suggestion. I quickly realised that this might be a good idea, my gifts to James were pretty personal and I just didn't want to give it to him in front of his whole family, they were too private.  
“Hang on,” I said and crawled out of bed and threw on one of James' t-shirts. Returning to the bedroom with James' presents in a bag I crawled back into the bed and under the covers. James eyed the bag curiously.  
“You or me first?” He asked.  
“Pregnant women first, of course! Where are you manners?!” I exclaimed. Laughing, James handed me a package which was small, unevenly shaped and whatever was inside it seemed soft. I gave James a quick, quizzical glance before tearing away the wrapper. At first I thought it was just a random heap of flowers, but picking it up I saw that it was actually a flower wreath. To my amazement I realised they were made out of fresh flowers. Holding it up I gave James another quizzical frown.  
“That's a 'lei'. I thought you should have that for when we got to Hawaii,” he said casually.  
“A lei-- wait, what?”  
“Hawaii. You and me. Two weeks. Sound good?” James took the flower wreath from me and hung it around my neck. I looked down at the flowers, then up at James, treacherous tears in my eyes already. The wreath was a little corny, and a cliché, but they were also gorgeous and a little romantic.  
“You are so... daft!” I sobbed.  
“Knowing you, that's probably a yes,” he smirked, slipping an arm around my lower back.  
“You are really, really spoiling me,” I sniffed, feeling a little humble and unworthy.  
“I'm spoiling _us._ After this baby is born we... We probably won't get a chance to travel much for a while. And I love travelling with you, seeing new places, discovering new things... We had _such_ an amazing time on Bali, I just want to do that over and over again. And we both know we'll get a lot less time to ourselves, so I just want to have one more romantic trip with you before we become parents, you know? Just you and me.”  
“That is a great idea, sweetie. Thank you so much, I can't wait to go,” I said, my voice constricted by tears. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly.  
“I want to take you to all the places you want to go....” he whispered and gave me a lingering kiss.  
“You are so amazing,” I sighed, falling in love with him for the millionth time.  
“Is it my turn now?” He asked impatiently, straightening up and eyeing the bag lying on the duvet.  
“Yeah, yeah,” I giggled and handed him the first gift.  
“So you _did_ manage to come up with something?” He said with a surprised smile. The first one contained a pair of really ugly, striped socks and a new charger-cord for his laptop, just as requested, and James chuckled heartily. Next I handed him a square box that didn't rattle at all when he shook it. Like an excited five year old he feverishly tore off the paper and opened the box. Gaping, he stared at what was inside, not knowing what to say. My inspiration for his next gift had come that same day I had been crying in the kitchen, frustrated over not being able to think of something. On the counter had been one of James' old watches. It had stopped running after his last trip to Africa, and he had been told by a watchmaker there was no fixing it. James liked that watch, it was one of the first really expensive things he'd bought for himself after he started working on Top Gear, and it signified a big change in his life for him. He _never_ left the house without a watch on, and he loved them. At first the thought of trying to find one for him was daunting, I wasn't sure what he would like, but when I had found the one James was now staring at, I just had to get it. It was a Breitling chronograph watch called Navitimer. It was made out of steel, with the glass made out of sapphire crystal, and probably the single most expensive thing I had ever bought for anyone ever, including myself. Except for the only car I had owned. It was an absolutely beautiful thing with a steel strap and an aurora-blue dial that matched James' eyes. James knew watches, he knew how expensive it was. Still not having said a word he reverentially took the watch out of its little box.  
“Oh my god... Emily...” James mumbled, blinking a little, mouth half open.  
“Do you like it?” I asked, genuinely worried he wouldn't.  
“This is... I... Wow...”  
“I thought you might need a new watch, your old one was broken...” I mumbled awkwardly.  
“Emily, this is... too much...” He said quietly.  
“No, James, it isn't. You.... You have given me _everything_. You've made me part of your life, you let me live with you..” At this point James opened his mouth to argue, but shut it again when he saw the look in my eyes. “You... Make me feel cared for, and safe, and loved, and wanted. You spoil me rotten and you've put up with all my craziness lately. I owe you so much I don't even know where to begin.”  
“You don't _owe_ me anything, Emily...” he sighed.  
“I _know that_. I just... saw this and really wanted you to have it. Look on the back.” He flipped the watch over. On the back these words were engraved; _'About time I found you. - Emily'_. James read the words, then looked up at me, blinking rapidly to try and chase away a few tears. He failed, and a few tears ran down his cheek. I had genuinely stunned him now, by the look on his face I could tell he had no idea what to say. Reaching out I cupped his cheek in my hand and wiped away a tear with my thumb. “So you like it, then?” I ventured.  
“It's... perfect,” he squeaked, sniffing again.  
“And so are you,” I retorted with a cheesy grin.  
“Thank you _so so_ much, sweetheart” he said, smiling now that he had gotten over the initial shock of the gift. Leaning forward he brushed his nose against mine. “It's about time I found you, too. I have looked for you my entire life.” At these words my eyes started brimming with tears again and I collapsed into him, clinging onto him like I would never see him again.  
“Maybe we should just stop being such hormonal crybabies and get out of bed?” I suggested, sniffing and clearing my throat. James agreed and we wrestled ourselves out of bed.  
   
An hour later we were on our way, having gotten ready in record time. As I sat next to James, looking at him, I knew I was going to have a hard time paying attention to anything but him all day. He was dressed in jeans, a floral shirt and that blue velvet jacket I loved so much, and he was proudly wearing his new watch. He looked absolutely breathtaking. When we arrived at James' sisters house the unwrapping was already in full swing, the kids were knee-deep in wrapping paper and new toys. I settled on the sofa with a cup of cocoa that James' mother proffered me, happily watching the kids tearing through their gifts. When the kids were done with their mountain of gifts it was the grown-ups turn. Most of the presents for me were really for the baby; toys, some clothes, a blanket, a comforter. I nearly fell out of the sofa with surprise when I even found a present from Jeremy in the pile, then I went into a laughing fit when I opened it. Inside was a black v-neck t-shirt that said “I am the Stig”, not across the chest but across the stomach.  
“That is one _very_ disturbing mental image,” James laughed, shaking his head in disgust. My sister had obliged my very specific wish and bought me a “baby wrap” to carry the baby in. “What's that? A scarf? It's immense!” James observed. His sisters rolled their eyes at his ignorance.  
“No, it's a baby wrap. I wrap it around me, and the baby, so I can carry it around,” I explained patiently. “Like the kangaroos do. Or African women.”  
“... Kangaroos?”  
“Shut up.”  
“Can I call you Kanga?” James continued, unable to let it go.  
“I find it disturbing that you even _know_ who Kanga is!”  
“I have nieces and nephews! And grew up with smaller siblings! I read them Winnie the Pooh!” James defended himself.  
“If I'm Kanga, then _you're_ Eeyore. No, on second thought you'd probably be Rabbit, isn't he the OCD one? Wasn't he the one who said _'You and I have brains, the others have fluff'_? Sounds like exactly something you could've said.” At this James laughed loudly.  
“Is this how it goes between you two?” Sarah interrupted.  
“Pretty much, “ I giggled, putting the baby wrap away.  
   
By around four o'clock James and I made our excuses and left, having had enough of family for a while. James had been holding my hand for the past hour, giving me subtle but longing looks. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in James' arms for the rest of the day and let the Christmas Peace descend over the both of us. Not used to the noise level of a huge family get-together, I nearly fell asleep in the car, lulled by the monotone sound of the engine. I woke up when the car started slowing down considerably. Opening my eyes and looking out the window, nothing seemed familiar.  
“James? Where are we? Why are we here?” I frowned. James had weaved his way into a residential area that didn't look remotely familiar to me. My confusion grew even larger when James swung off the road and drove through an electric gate that had just opened. Turning off the ignition James turned to face me.  
“I just wanted you to look at this house.”  
“House?”  
“Yeah. Ever since I told Sarah we were having a baby she's been badgering me about moving, and now the rest of the family have joined in. _'A pram wont even fit in front of your house, let alone in your hallway, blah blah'_ ”, James echoed in a squeaky, nagging voice, rolling his eyes.  
“I... hadn't even thought of that...” Still frowning, I looked out the window to see a big house with a huge, cobbled front yard. “So this house is for sale?”  
“No, this is already sold. Looking for a house is turning out to be a right nightmare. I just wanted you to see this. If you like it, then it'll be easier to know what I'm looking for. Or, more specifically, what the realtor has to find,” he explained.  
“Oh, okay,” I nodded and got out of the car. Just the front yard seemed big to me, indicating that the property itself had to be huge, everything surrounded by a tall, white wall. The front yard was partly cobbled, the rest was paved, and everything seemed surrounded by hedges, bushes or lawns. “What's that?” I asked, pointing at a battered, huge building in a corner. It didn't seem residential at all.  
“Oh, the previous owner was a hobby-pilot like me. Only difference was he built planes himself, the daft lunatic. That's his workshop.”  
“Ah, all right. So someone you know used to own this house?”  
“Yeah, just an acquaintance through flying. Want to go inside?” James asked, pulling a set of keys out of his pocket. Traipsing after James I kept looking around at the house and property, my mind working furiously. The possibility of moving had never even crossed my mind. A baby is tiny, it hadn't occurred to me that we would need more space. But thinking about it, James' sisters had a point. A pram was big. Would a changing table fit in any of our two bathrooms? Highly unlikely. Walking through the house I noticed how roomy it felt, with lots of open spaces. The living room had a fireplace, and the kitchen had a huge table like I had always wanted, a table that would fit friends and family all at once. Despite the fact that it had a master bedroom and four additional bedrooms plus a few rooms that could be used for studies, it didn't seem overwhelming, I didn't feel like I could get lost trying to find my way around it. The back garden was enormous, at least compared to the little spot of grass we had. The porch was partly tiled and had a comfy seating area which seemed very superfluous in this December cold, but England could have some beautiful summers. The garden had a few bushes and flowerbeds here and there, and some huge trees to the very back. Returning inside James lead me to the living room and sat down on the sofa, which seemed to be one of the few pieces of furniture the previous owner hadn't moved yet.  
“So what do you think? Could you imagine living some place like this?” he asked, looking a little nervous.  
“I.. yeah, sure,” I said with wide eyes, nodding a little. “Its very different from the narrow town-house we live in now, you know? Open areas, wide hallways, just... space! And even though its big it isn't, you know.. too big. I don't feel like I would need a map to find my way around here. I mean, I love the house we live in now, its perfect for just you and me, but... Sarah might have a point, we might need a bigger place. I hadn't even thought of that,” I admitted a little awkwardly, fiddling with my hands resting on my growing stomach. I was a little ashamed to admit it, suddenly I felt very unprepared for what was laying ahead. How could I not have even thought of that we might need a bigger place?  
“So you really like this house?” James asked again.  
“Yeah, I really do. It's private, has all the space we would need and then some, has a gorgeous garden.. Something like this would've been a perfect place to live.”  
“That's very fortunate, because I bought it,” he said simply. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped to the floor as all the air went out of me.  
“You... bought it?” I squeaked.  
“I just.... really liked this place, so I bought it,” he said with a simple shrug.  
“You just... _bought_ it?”  
“Um... yes...?” James flinched, hoping that was the right answer.  
“So this is... yours?”  
“No, it's _ours_ , mine _and_ yours.” Silence fell as thoughts were racing through my brain and I felt my heart sink to the floor.  
“But, James... You know I could never pay even a percentage of what this place must cost...” I sighed sadly. If I was honest with myself, a huge portion of what I had saved up, I had used for James' watch. Which was probably a ridiculous thing to do, but I hadn't cared at the moment.  
“Emily, I don't give a damn about money, I never have and you know that!” He said, raising his voice a little. “Of course I know you could never pay for a house like this, I would never expect that. I know what you earn and you are stupidly underpaid. Just like I am ridiculously overpaid, that's just... fact. But I don't want this to be just _my_ house which you and our child happen to live in. I want this to be _our_ house, our family's house... You know? And if.. if something should happen to... to me-” At this point I couldn't stay quiet any longer.  
“James, don't even _say_ something like that.”  
“Emily, I want you to be safe, both of you. I want this house to be in both our names so IF something happens, there'll be no doubt this is yours. Ok? I want to live here for the rest of my life with you, with my family. If that sounds... okay..” he ended feebly, realising he was sounding a lot more stern then he wanted to. For a moment I could do nothing but gape at him, completely stunned into silence. Then I squealed happily and threw my arms around him, climbed into his lap and hugged him as tightly as I could, tears bursting from my face. Words were still beyond me as I clung on to him. “...is that a yes?” James asked timidly.  
“You've already bought it so I can't bloody well say no, can I?” I sobbed into his hair. He chuckled quietly and let me cling on to him for as long as I needed to.  
“I know buying this place without discussing it with you first was a big risk to take, but I just... completely fell in love with it. If you'd hated it I would've been utterly screwed.”  
“No, I don't hate it,” I said, finally being able to let go of James. “I love it, too.” An arm still around James' shoulders I took another look around the living-room and foyer, looking at it very differently now that I knew it I might get to live here. No that I _was_ going to live here. This was _our_ house.  
“It's a relatively quiet area, lots of big residential houses mostly. There's a good school not far from here. It'll take you about 15 minutes to get to work. And we're still in London.”  
“You really don't have to sell this place to me any more, I'm already completely sold on it. But it isn't Hammersmith, though,” I pointed out. “Sure you want to move away from there?”  
“Oh, I've lived in Hammersmith for aeons,” he shrugged.  
“That's my point though, you've lived in that house for ages, you must have a lot of memories in it. You've lived most of your life in that place, can't be that easy to just pack up and leave.”  
“Well, of course I have lots of memories in that house, and yes, I have really liked living there. But my sisters and my mum is right, the place is just too small, too impractical to have children in. I've seen Jezza's kids grow up, and Hammonds, and... Kids need space to run around, and I like the idea of just being able to open the door and let them out to play without having to worry about traffic or anything else. There's plenty of room in the garden to play football or build space rockets... And I was thinking I could big a huge tree house in one of those trees at the back, maybe...”  
“Wow. You've really given this a lot of thought, haven't you?” I asked, staring at James with awe. He just nodded, smiling warmly. “Admit it, _you_ were the one who was building space rockets,” I nudged him.  
“Possibly. But I would probably do the actual building in my new, big workshop out front. I'd only _launch_ them from the garden.”  
“Have you realised this means you won't have a pub around the corner any more?”  
“Emily, I'm 49 years old and becoming a dad. It is about high time the days were having a pub around the corner was a priority were over!” He said exasperatedly. “Also, there _is_ a pub about two blocks away.” He added, raising a finger in the air. I laughed loudly and rested against James, snaking an arm around him. In return he squeezed me tight and buried his face in my hair for a moment. “You know, I'd move to absolutely anywhere as long as I got you to move with me,” he sighed. “Except Resolute, Canada. I am not made to live that close to the north pole, I learned that the hard way.” I chuckled a little, trying to wrap my brain around the fact that we were moving. James had bought a big house and we were going to live in it. With our baby. Then suddenly realisation dawned on me.  
“I have one demand if we're going to live here, one which is non-negotiable.”  
“....Which is?”  
“That we hire a cleaning lady a few times a week. I am becoming a mum, I am _not_ going to waste all my time cleaning this huge house. Unless you fancy cleaning it all, which, knowing you... You probably would.”  
“All right, this house _is_ big, I can see your point. Fine, we'll get someone to clean it,” he agreed.  
“We can tell the person to leave one room untidy and unclean? Just for you?” I smirked, and James chortled. “I... I can't believe you did this. You... bought us a _house_. A bloody huge, gorgeous house. That's insane,” I breathed, the enormity of it crashing down on me again.  
“You said you wanted a bigger bathtub,” he said practically.  
“This is one heck of a Christmas gift, James... You know, I'll never be able to repay you for this, not in a million years.”  
“Emily, it's just _money_. And I know that is an obnoxious thing to say by someone who has more than enough of it, but... I _can_ still remember what it was like to barely make the rent each month. But the money never made my life that much happier. But _you_ did.”  
“Aaaw. I did?”  
“Yes. Are _you_ happy, though?”  
“I... have no words to describe how happy I am right now. Surprised! But so, so happy.”  
“Good. See, I'd do anything for you, and for my family. I'd do anything to make you happy, sweetheart. ”  
“You are incredibly good at it, too! So when can we move in?” I asked impatiently. Then my expression sagged a little. “Oh god, _how_ are we going to move? I mean, I shouldn't lift anything heavier than a bag of groceries!” I despaired.  
“Don't you worry about that. We'll pay some big, burly men to do most of the heavy lifting, and I'll recruit the help of a few mates as well, I have a few favours I can collect on. You can just.. chose the colour on the wall and point to where the nails for the pictures should be.”  
“I'm sorry I won't be much help...”  
“Don't worry about it, I said. You'll help as much as you can. We can move in as soon as we come home from our holiday,” he smiled. I stared at him, blinking dazedly, trying to figure out something to say what could express what I was feeling. James ran a hand over my hair and cheek, and once again I felt treacherous tears run down my cheeks. I had no control over them these days.  
“I don't... I don't deserve this, James. I don't deserve you,” I sniffed.  
“I couldn't care less what you deserve, Emily. You're getting it either way,” he said in such a way that I knew there was no point to arguing. For some reason I started laughing in stead.  
“I think I can learn to live with it...”  
“You better,” James hummed and gave me a long kiss. Pulling back again he was smiling widely, relief radiating from him. It was obvious that he really had been worried that I wouldn't like the house, or object to it in some way. For a while I just stared at him, shaking my head a little.  
“What?” He frowned.  
“I live my life with you, I _think_ I know you, I _think_ I know what is going on in that head of yours, and then... you do all this. You realise we probably need a bigger house, you go out and find the perfect one and then you just... _buy_ it. And I had no idea...”  
“Are you very subtly yelling at me?” James asked, smiling sweetly at me.  
“No, no, I'm not, not at all. I just... can't believe you sorted all this out and I had no idea. This is what is so amazing about you,” I smiled.  
“Thank you. I'm just relieved that you like the house and want to live here with me.” James eyes glittered with happiness and warmth, and I loved seeing that in him. Loved knowing that I was the cause of that. “Ready to go home? Well, to the _other_ home.”“Yeah. Lets go.” Getting back into the car I took a last look at the house, it looked dark and looming in the quickly fading light of the December afternoon. Looking at it, my heart skipped a few beats. I couldn't wait to move into it, to fill it with colour and sounds and laughter, to make it _ours_.  


	66. Chapter 66

A few days later I was suddenly on a plane to Hawaii. We enjoyed our time to the fullest, savoring what we both knew would probably be our last trip together before we became parents. We didn't necessarily make the most out of each and every day, but we made the most out of the time we had with each other. Some days we went on outings to see things, and some days we did absolutely nothing. Our activities were also naturally limited by the fact that I was nearly five months pregnant. Naturally it meant no alcohol and being careful with what I ate, but it also meant no diving, no jetskis or long hikes, suddenly I felt the need to never be more than five minutes from a bathroom as I was peeing constantly. Even so I relished every minute of our time together, knowing that when we got back, our lives would change so drastically.

Returning to London, James and I had a rare moment of mutual panic as we realised we had no idea how to furnish our house. We agreed that we were going to bring a lot of the “old” furniture from the house in Hammersmith with us, as none of us were fans of throwing things out that were in perfectly good nick just because we were moving. But we realised we would need a lot more furniture, and we didn't even know where to begin planning or looking for things. In the end I rang up Mindy, knowing that they had moved several times and into huge estates. She quickly calmed me down, saying she would put us in contact with a great decorator who had helped her several times and could help sort out everything we needed. James promptly decided to leave the whole operation to me, promising that as long as I picked out the furniture we needed, he'd carry it to wherever it was supposed to go. Coming into contact with the decorator, she immediately agreed to help us. Our first task was to go over to the new house and go through it room by room, trying to think of what we would need in each one, and what we were bringing with us from the old house, basically to comprise a shopping list. Going to the house again I felt excited, my heart beating hard in my chest. Walking through it again, everything looked a little different now that I knew it was ours. James had already done quite a bit of thinking, and taking my hand he pulled me towards a door.   
“This is the biggest bedroom, and has its own bathroom, so I thought this could be ours, “he said, opening the door to a huge, empty room to the back of the house with a good view of the back garden. I barely had time to look at it before he closed the door again and eagerly pulled me to another door. “And I thought this... maybe... could be the baby’s' room”. He opened the door to a bedroom that was empty apart from one piece of furniture standing along a wall: a baby crib. It was beautifully made out of what looked like solid wood, painted white. Over it was a mobile with little cars and planes dangling from it.  
“Aaaaaw..” I breathed, stepping into the room to take a closer look. “You already got us a crib? This is... beautiful, James... ” Walking over to it I ran my hand along the top rail. It already had a mattress and a "bumper" along the inner edges of the crib, there to protect the baby if it flailed and banged itself on the rails. The bumper was in an adorable pattern with flowers and owls. The crib was perfect, just waiting for a baby. James lingered by the doorway, both hands in his pockets, looking a little nervous and even embarrassed.  
“I... It's actually made out of my old crib, my mum had it in the attic. Simmy helped me draw out some plans to rebuilt it a little, and helped me...” James mumbled.   
“Wait a minute, you built this? Out of your old crib?” I felt my mouth fall open.  
“Um, yeah.... As I said, with a little help,” James mumbled. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and walked over to me. “The bottom is adjustable, it can be lowered as the baby grows. This way it'll be easier to pick it up when it's still, you know... tiny.” James explained.  
"Wow... I just... I'm stunned... I cant' believe you did this," I squeaked, fighting the tears. “When did you have time to do all this? It must have taken ages!”   
“Oh, a few hours here, a few hours there, a few white lies...” James admitted. “I literally had to smuggle the thing out of my parents house when they weren't looking. And since I recruited Simmy to help me out I had to tell him quite a while ago, so he knew... Sorry...”   
“No, no, it's okay, I just... I'm stunned,” I muttered, resting my cheek against his chest while staring lovingly at crib.  
“I know just buying one would've been easier, and less time-consuming, but... I don't know, maybe I'm just very old-fashioned. I just liked the idea of building it myself.”   
“It's very romantic, and adorable. But in a very manly way,” I added. I studied the mobile, and on closer inspection it looked like the little cars and planes were cut out of wood and sanded down before they had been painted by hand.   
“You made these too, didn't you?” I asked with a little smile, gently prodding a little aeroplane to make it spin then looking up at him.  
“Yeah. Well, I had a go at least...” He muttered, squirming a little now. “It's not very gender neutral perhaps..”  
“Screw gender neutral, I love this! They're colourful and bright and absolutely amazing. How many kids have dads that actually make them mobiles? And girls can love cars and aeroplanes too? I like cars?” I argued mildly, hugging him tighter. For a moment i just stood there, staring at the crib with my arms tightly wrapped around him.  
"James?"  
"Mm?"  
"DId you actually go out and shop for a crib bumper?" I asked disbelievingly, pictures James utterly lost and confused in the depths of some childrens' store.  
"Mno, I... Got my sister to come with me, I realised I needed some help. I didn't even know what a bumper was! I have a lot to learn..." He sighed.   
"Don't worry, so far you are really aceing all this “becoming a father”-thing, you know?”  
“I'm only doing it this once, so I'm trying to do the best I can...” He smiled, grateful for the appreciation I was giving him.   
“You are doing great, sweetheart."

Just two weeks later we had come a long way with the house. A lot of the new furniture was in place, and we had started moving things from the old house and into the new one. Trying to be as helpful as I could, I put things into boxes and took them out again to put them in their new place, which was pretty much the only thing I could do. James was constantly fussing, worried I was doing too much, but I insisted that I wanted to help, I needed to help, I just couldn't sit on my hands and watch as the movers, or our friends and James worked around me. On a Friday I was busy in the kitchen, unpacking dishes, glasses and all kinds of kitchen equipment. James was out running some errands, and had been gone for a while. I had taken the little stereo with me from the old kitchen, and the music was on loudly. Over the past week I had become a lot less tired and increasingly filled with energy, and I was enjoying it to the fullest. I was happy, excited, in love, and that resulted in me dancing around the kitchen with 'Chrvches – Now is not the time” on full blast. The music masked the sounds of James coming home, and when I suddenly spotted him in the kitchen doorway I was too happy to even be embarrassed about my stupid dancing. James grinned, evidently amused by me jumping about like an idiot. Feeling euphoric I grabbed James by the hands and pulled him into the kitchen, waving his arms about, trying to get him to dance. He resisted initially, flinching and squirming, but the music drowned out his feeble protests. In the end he rolled his eyes and tried to dance along with the music. This instantly caused me to start laughing loudly, as I had never seen, and never thought I would see James loosen up enough to dance along to loud electro-pop. At least not sober. At this point we were both giggling. Suddenly I froze and lurched forwards, clutching my stomach. James also froze, his eyes widening with horror as he stared at me. He opened his mouth to ask something, then realised the music was too loud and ran over to turn the stereo off.   
“What is it?” He asked as soon as the kitchen became quiet, worry etched in his voice.   
“I.. don't know..” I said slowly. The feeling had gone as quickly as it had come, and now I straightened up again, thinking it was over. As soon as I had, the feeling came back, not exactly painful, but sudden and a little uncomfortable, like a quick jab to the stomach. I bent over again, placing a palm over the place where I had felt it. “Ow!”  
“What? What is it? Does it hurt? What’s wrong?!” James was panicking now, rushing over to me, nearly shaking me by the shoulders. I was silent, standing dead still, waiting on bated breath for it to happen again. And sure enough, within a few seconds there was another jab. Holding my palm against the part of my stomach where I had felt it, I could also feel the jab on the outside this time. And then it clicked, and I knew what was going on. All my terror drained away, replaced by relief and excitement.   
“I think... it just kicked,” I said quietly, a smile spreading on my face.  
“Kicked?!” James was so worried he didn't even understand what I meant at first. “Wait... Kicked? The baby you mean?”  
“No, my spleen!” I shouted at him. “Of course the baby! Here!” I grabbed his hand and replaced my palm with his, waiting for another. James' mouth was open as he stared unblinkingly at his hand, waiting. When the baby kicked again James nearly jumped.   
“Yes! I felt that!” He exclaimed in that high-pitched way he sometimes did when he god really excited. His palm still on my tummy the baby kicked again, to James' great delight. “Come here,” he said and grabbed me eagerly by the hand, dragging me through the house to the sofa in the living room. As soon as I sat down he placed his palm on my stomach again, hoping to feel more movement. It was as if the baby had suddenly figured out that this was something it could do, it could kick and punch wildly around, and now it just wouldn't stop. “Maybe the baby is trying to say that you should relax for a bit and stop working?” He admonished.  
“Or maybe it just thought it was really fun when mummy was bouncing around in the kitchen?” I suggested, smiling innocently at him.   
“Maybe,” he agreed with a smile. “Anyway, I wanted to talk to you. I went and got the papers for the house, you need to sign a few x'es.” He took a stack of papers out of an envelope.  
“I do? Why?” I frowned.  
“Didn't I say that this house should be in both our names?”   
“Yes, but...” I mumbled.  
“And for that, you'll need to sign these too,” he said flatly, handing the papers to me along with a pen.  
“I... Okay,” I said feebly. Part of me didn't want to argue with him because I didn't want to hurt him or make him believe that I didn't want it, but another part of me couldn't stop thinking that this was insane. James had never told me what he paid for the house, and I knew much too little about real estate to even have a guess. But I knew enough about house prices in London to know that it was a lot. And he was practically giving me half. Deciding that there was no point in thinking about it any more I signed my name quickly on the dotted lines and gave the papers back to James, who stuffed them unceremoniously back into the envelope. Resting back against the sofa I stared at James unblinkingly. After a while he noticed my eyes burning a hole through him.  
“... What?” He raised an eyebrow. I paused for a moment, trying to think of what to say.  
“I just find it amazing how much you've changed in your life... Just for me.”   
“Changed?”   
“I mean... You let me live with you, you bought this huge house for us to live in.. We're having a baby, James! These are all huge bloody changes, and all of it just because of me, to... fit me into your life,” I shrugged.  
“You've made just as many changes in your life as I have?” He argued mildly. At this I just frowned, trying to think what changes I had made. “Probably more! You never meant to live and work in London permanently, did you? But you stayed, you moved in with me, and not once did you even mention the possibility that we would live anywhere else, even though staying here meant moving away from your family. And you could've taken that job and gone back to Africa, but you chose not to, because you said you wanted to stay with me. And I know that was a huge dream of yours. Those are pretty big changes, too? You moved to a different country. I'm just moving to a new house,” he shrugged.   
“But those were never... Changes. They weren't decisions I consciously made, so much as just...they were the only decisions I could make, because all the other decisions were wrong.”  
“See? That's how I feel about it, too! Yes, of course my life has changed, I'm not a pathetic old bachelor nearly in my fifties living alone with my cat any more. And that has to be entirely a good thing. You talk about changes like they're purely negative, but they don't have to be? You have completely changed my life, but only for the better.”  
“I just... hope you won't regret everything some day and want your old life back...” I fiddled with my hands in my lap, feeling insecure.   
“Emily, don't be ridiculous.” I felt James' arm wrap around my shoulder, squeezing me. “I love this house. I love this baby. I love you. And I love living my life with you.” I leaned into him, sighing a little.   
“Will you please remember that when this baby throws up on you at 4am?” I begged.  
“I will try my best," he promised. "But, Emily... I don't have some rosy-red mental image of a perfect family life where everything is cuddles and fun. Its going to be a bigger change than either of us can imagine. We'll be tired, we'll be frustrated and exhausted, and I'll probably ask myself more than once where I went wrong with my life. And you probably will too.”  
“Yeah, I know...” I admitted with a sad little smile.  
“But we're both prepared for that, at least as much as we can be.”  
“Even for toys lying scattered ALL OVER the house? And dried porridge on the kitchen table?”  
“... I'm getting there,” James chuckled, and I joined him laughing. "I don't mean that I'm thinking it is going to be complete hell either. I'm looking forward to the cuddling," he added.   
"How can you be so adorable?!" I squealed, wrapping my arms around him and peppering him with kisses. As I did there was another major lurch in my gut as the baby kicked again. "Oh!" Jesus, that is going to take some getting used to!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The weird things I research for this bloody fic!  
> How adorable is this bumper though? http://www.toysrus.com/graphics/product_images/pTRU1-11216168dt.jpg


	67. Chapter 67

Two months whizzed by, and suddenly we were in April. I couldn't even begin to understand where the past seven months had gone, and it was even harder to fathom that my due date was now only a month away. We had finished moving into the house and settled in quite happily. The biggest job of all had actually been to move James' “man cave” from the industrial building in Hammersmith to the warehouse we now had in our driveway. Leaving his old workshop had definitely been the most emotional for James, far more than moving from the house. The workshop meant a lot to him, it was his sanctuary, a place where he could sort out his thoughts and feelings, or forget the world outside. A place to relax and be himself, without any deadlines or expectations. The move hadn't been that easy on Fusker either, he had accepted it reluctantly but sometimes disappeared for days, and I was worried he was trying to find his way back “home”. My favourite room in the house had quickly become the study, where we had lined three of the walls with bookcases and filled them with books, vinyl albums, CD’s, photos and memories. The room held James' piano, and a few huge high-backed armchairs that I loved to curl up in and read, or listen to music or James playing. When spring neared I began pottering around the garden, trying to teach myself how to take care of plants, and failing most of the time. But as my stomach continued to grow I had to abandon that hobby when bending over plants and flowerbeds became difficult and uncomfortable. 

Crawling into bed one evening I snuggled right up to James, as close as I could get with my now huge tummy in the way. I was warm as I had just gotten out of the bathtub and James groaned happily as I inched up to him, happy to feel my body and skin close to his. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, wanting to sleep, trying to ignore my stiff back and the fact that I really had to pee again. After a long moment of silence James spoke.  
“Emily?”  
“Mm?” I mumbled drowsily.   
“I don't want to go to France this weekend.”  
“Oh, James, don't start this again...” I sighed. The plan was that James and his crew from Man Lab were to go to France to shoot a last sequence for the last episode of the season. “This might be the last chance you'll get to do any work in months, possibly years,” I added darkly.   
“But... Will you even be all right on your own? I mean, you can barely put on your own shoes these days, and... You should be taking it easy. Its getting close, and...” he stammered.   
“James! The due date is nearly a month away! And first-timers nearly always go over anyway! And I CAN put on my own shoes!” James just looked at with sad, almost pleading eyes. “James, sweetheart. I promise you, absolutely nothing will happen while you're away for three days. This baby is not going to be born while you're in France.”   
“Promise?”  
“I promise,” I smiled.   
“So what are you going to do while I'm away?” He asked.  
“I am going to lie in bed, watch TV and eat Ritz crackers with cream cheese.”  
“I'm amazed you're not fed up with eating that yet,” James chuckled, shaking his head exasperatedly. I squeezed him a little, hugging him tight, realising that I was going to miss him a lot even if he was just gone for a few days. “Emily. Our son or daughter is punching me in the ribs,” he announced dryly. The nightly movements had become such a habit for me that I didn't even notice them any more.   
“There is no point informing me about it, I already know that. You could try do something about it?”  
“Me? What can I do about it? It lives inside you!” He argued back.  
“Well, maybe you could try talking to him or her, maybe the sound of your voice will calm it down?” I suggested. James frowned, looking at me with incredulity, as if he really couldn't believe that I had just suggested that. Then he sighed, rolled his eyes and turned onto his side, inching down the bed until his head was level with my tummy. He sighed again, hesitating and looking a little uncomfortable. Apparently James found it absurd to try and talk to my midriff. He ran a hand over my stomach and cleared his throat before speaking softly.   
“Um... Hello.” As he said this I couldn't help but laugh loudly. “What?!” James asked with raised eyebrows, looking up at me. “You have to start with hello!”  
“Yes, yes, I know, honey,” I said, stifling a giggle and running a hand over his hair. With another sigh, James turned to my stomach again.   
“So... Hello. I'm your.. dad.” At this there was a massive punch, so forceful I could see my stomach move. “I know, I'm sorry, I apologise in advance. But... See, I haven't done this before, and so... I don't know how to do it well. I don't like that, not knowing what to do. But I'll try to do my best...” As he spoke James ran his hand calmly over the unruly tummy, caressing the baby within. I watched him quietly as he spoke, running my hand over his hair. Nothing warmed my heart more than seeing James like this, being intimate and bonding with our baby. “I know its probably getting a bit incommodious in there, but do you think you could maybe stop moving around so much? Your mummy can't sleep when you do that, you see... And I can tell that she is really tired right now and really needs her sleep. You should try to be nice to your mummy, because she's the most amazing person in the entire world. You are very lucky to get her for a mum, you know. And I'm even luckier to have her, and that she wants to be with me, because she is the love of my life.”  
“I think its working...” I whispered, desperately trying to blink back the emotional tears that were welling up in my eyes. It was indeed working, there was definitely less movement and kicking going on.  
“All right, so... In a few days, I have to go away for a little while. I won't be gone for long, but I would really appreciate if you stayed in there until I get back. Because I would really like to be there when you're born, I'm not sure I could forgive myself if I wasn't.”  
“Keep going,” I prompted. Having run out of things to say, James began singing quietly in stead. It took a while before I recognised it as some old serenade by Thomas Campion that James sometimes hummed to himself, which almost made me laugh again. But James had a good voice, calm and steady, and it wasn't long until the baby's movements had stilled.   
“I.. think it worked,” James whispered as he looked up at me, eyes wide with surprise. Carefully, as if to not wake the baby, he inched his way up the bed again. Resting his head on the pillow he looked at me, looking a little proud of himself.  
“You did it, dad!” I cheered in a subdued whisper, running my hand over his back.   
“I probably bored it to sleep with my talking...” He giggled, still whispering.  
“Whatever works, really,” I shrugged, and we both chuckled quietly. James turned over on his back, pulling me close.   
“All right, I guess I'll go to France,” he sighed.   
“Good spaniel,” I murmured sleepily, caressing his chest with a heavy hand. 

 

After much fuss and mild arguments I managed to shoo James firmly out of the house on Thursday around noon. When he had left I had a cup of tea then began on the task I had set myself for the weekend, which was to launder all the smallest baby-clothes we had, and put them in the dresser in the nursery. I enjoyed doing these things, all these little preparations made me feel a little bit more ready for what was coming. Most of what we needed were in place by now; the nursery now held a dresser, a rocking chair, a brand new pram and car seat along with a bookshelf that was already bursting with toys and books. In the bathroom was a changer and diaper bin in the bathroom. After some mild persuasion I had managed to get James to agree to a “baby hammock”, which was now hanging from the ceiling in the living room. We had also 'inherited' a lot of things from the Hammonds. Mindy was so excited about the baby that she'd in her eagerness gone through all of the things they had from when the girls were babies, and had come bearing bags and bags of stuff; a play-mat, toys, rattlers, bed linen and neutral baby-clothes. She had another few bags of clothes ready if it turned out to be a girl. I was incredibly grateful for all of it.  
Precisely two minutes after I wallowed onto the sofa with a blanket, there was a knock on the front door. I swore loudly and flailed about, trying to heave myself out of the sofa again.   
“Yeah yeah, I'm coming, in about twenty minutes or so... Have patience!” I shouted, finally managing to get myself vertical. Clutching at my increasingly aching back I waddled over to the front door. “Richard! Hello! Sorry for making you wait, I just can't get out of the sofa without a winch,” I apologised.   
“Hello! I was in the neighbourhood, sort of, so I thought I'd stop by,” he said airily. I frowned, narrowing my eyes a little as I studied him.   
“James sent you, didn't he.”   
“Yes. Yes he did,” Richard admitted immediately. I couldn't help but laugh as he hung his head in shame for having been found out so quickly.   
“Well, if you fancy staying for a bit my plan for the afternoon was pizza and a Lord of the Rings marathon,” I said, taking a step back to let him in.   
“God, you are such a geek. But, sure,” he nodded, coming inside and closing the door behind him. “I talked to James on the phone, he was fussing about you, I said I was staying in London until tomorrow and offered to drop by.” I waddled back to the sofa and slumped back onto it, Richard trailing behind me.   
“Oh god, what was he fussing about now?” I sighed.  
“What wasn't he fussing about, more like! Worried you didn't have enough food in the house so you'd have to go out shopping, or that you were doing too much around the house...” He rambled as he sank down in the armchair opposite.  
“He is going to worry himself into a heart attack soon,” I groaned. “The other day the baby had the hiccups, I thought James was going to have a stroke!” At this Richard laughed, then pulled a sympathetic face.   
“Aaaw, poor man. But I can understand him, I remember how it was before my oldest was born, I was a constant ball of anxiety. And James is so much more of a worrier than me,” Richard mused.   
“Exactly.”  
“He was genuinely worried you wouldn't get your shoes on by yourself...” He said, trying to hide a chuckle.  
“I can put my own shoes on!” I shouted, more frustrated with James than Richard. “Well, probably not if they have laces, actually...” I admitted, staring down at my enormous stomach.  
“On a scale of one to ten, how fed up are you with being pregnant right now?” He asked knowingly.  
“A hundred million!” I said matter of factly. “Part of me is very done with being pregnant by now. I am particularly tired of having this baby's arse wedged up against my ribs!” Feeling uncomfortable I nudged and pushed on the top of my bump, trying to get the baby to shift a little. Richard pulled a face.   
“You know, I am very glad I won't ever have to be pregnant,” he confided.  
“But then again, I don't mind if it stays in there for another month, I'm not sure I'm ready for it to come out just yet. Anyway, I was going to order pizza. Sound ok?” After having gotten our food we settled down for the first film. I kept squirming and shifting on the couch, unable to get comfortable, feeling a lot more smothered than usual. It was as if the baby had its arms and legs stretched out it front of it, pushing all it could. With a sigh I got out of the sofa. “Bathroom. Again. Be right back.” It took nearly 20 minutes before I returned to the living room.  
“There you are! I was wondering if you'd fallen in!” Richard giggled.   
“With this thing? Hardly likely,” I grumbled, gesturing to my waist. “Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a little favour...?” I asked, gingerly sitting down on the armrest of the sofa. Richard took his eyes off the film again, facing me.  
“Sure, of course I will, love. Anything. What?”  
“I was wondering if maybe you wouldn't mind driving me to the hospital in a bit..”  
“The hospital?” He frowned. “Did they call? I thought you stopped working over a month ago? You can't work like that? You're not going to work, are you?”  
“Nooo....” I said firmly, waiting for him to catch on.   
“But then wh-- Oh... OH! No..?! No? Now?” His eyes widened  
“Well, my water sort of broke. A bit. Ten minutes ago. So... Yes, I guess,” I shrugged apologetically.  
“Wow. Bloody hell,” he mumbled, getting up and walking over to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “You all right?”  
“Don't look at me like that, if you do I am going to have a panic attack,” I said with a smile, needing to make a joke out of it for now. “Listen, I need to go pack... stuff...”  
“Pack? You haven't packed yet?”  
“No I haven't! I haven’t packed as much as a diaper! This baby wasn't supposed to come for another month, of course I haven't packed!”  
“All right, all right,” he said soothingly, trying to calm me down. “Need some help?”   
“Um no, I... I need you to call James. Could you do that? I don't know if I could deal with that right now.”   
“Okay, I'll do that, you go pack.” 

_As Emily waddled off to pack Richard watched her, shaking his head slightly. His heart rate had gone up a little, but nowhere near as badly as it had been when his own children had been about to be born. Maybe that was why he wasn't panicking this time, he had done this before, he felt he was a little experienced. Pulling out his phone he scrolled through his contact list and found James' number. This wasn't a phone call he looked forward to making, he knew that these news would completely unbalance James. It rang for a long time, and Richard had just been about to give up when James picked up. There was a lot of background noise on the other end, chattering and laughter and music._  
“Hello, Hamster! Whats up?” James answered. Richard felt how his heart sank.  
“Oooh god, you're drunk, aren't you?” He said in a resigned voice.   
“No, no, just a bit... inebriated. 'mfine. Are you with Emily?”  
“Yes, that was why I was calling...-” Richard began.   
“Oh god, is she okay?”  
“Yeah yeah, she's fine, James, but... Her water just broke. You better come home, mate.”  
“WHAT?!”James shouted shrilly.   
“James, mate, listen to me, don't panic! Just.. focus on try and finding a way to get home. Quickly. Okay?”  
“But... the due date is a month away!” James protested.   
“It seems neither you nor Emily have picked up on the fact that babies don't care about due-dates. When they want out, they come out, thats just the way it is,” Richard said sagely.  
“But.. I'm too drunk for this!” James complained.   
“I know that!” Richard replied, unable to stop himself from laughing. “Just get to London, one way or another, okay? I'll call you later, keep you updated.”   
“Say hi to Emily, yeah? Tell her I'll be home as soon as I can.” 

“Emily? You okay? I talked to James, he'll try to find a way to get home as soon as he can. He says hi...” Richard spoke loudly as he walked through the house looking for me. He found me sitting on the edge of the bed with an open bag next to me, clutching a pair of jogging bottoms. “Emily?”  
“Yeah? Oh, good. Thanks,” I mumbled.  
“Done packing?”  
“No... I... I know I printed out a list once, things to bring to the hospital, but I can't find it,” I complained, looking up at Richard with despair in my eyes. “We are the worst prepared parents in the universe! I haven't packed a bag, I don't even have a list of what to pack, and the dad is in another country!”  
“Oh quit your wailing, I'll help you pack,” Richard said calmly, refusing to give my rising level of panic any attention. Sitting on my bed he calmly commanded me around, reminding me to pack things like comfy clothes, chargers, slippers, my camera and toiletries. When he mentioned nursing bras and pads I broke out laughing at the absurdity of it. “What? I've done this twice!” He argued. “Well, technically I haven't, but I helped. Sort of.” My laughter got stuck in my throat when the first contraction hit. I didn't say anything, I just screwed up my face and held my breath until it was over. “Don't forget to breathe through those or you'll pass out,” Richard observed, annoyingly calm as ever. 

Locking the door behind me I eyed Richards car.   
“Oh god, couldn't it have been a Land Rover,” I sighed, staring at the Porsche in the driveway.   
“Whats wrong with it?”  
“I'm the size of a hippo, Hammond. You might have to strap me to the roof.” Richard laughed loudly as he opened the car door for me. With difficulty, and rather ungracefully, I managed to fold myself into the front seat while Richard headed for the driver's side. He banged the door shut, put on his belt then looked me up and down.  
“Ready to go?” He asked. He looked a little tense and worried.  
“No. But I guess I have to. And relax, I won't ruin your seat,” I added.  
“My seat..?” He frowned, looked down at the seat and up again.  
“I am wearing one of my child's diapers, if you must know!”  
“I didn't want to know that, no...” Richard mumbled, shaking his head.   
“Just.. go...” I squeaked.


	68. Chapter 68

Over the next few hours a million things seemed to happen to me, none of which I felt I had any control over. Richard drove calmly to the hospital while I huffed my way through another few contractions, gripping the edge of the seat. Once at the hospital I was admitted, stuffed into a hospital gown, put in a rather dangerous-looking “labour” bed, poked with a needle, prodded and examined. Then I was wheeled in my bed into a room which the nurse kindly explained was a “family room”. It was cozy, it had a double bed, a comfy-looking high-backed armchair, a TV, a dresser with a changing mat and actual nice pictures on the walls. Furthermore she explained that this was where I could stay in the initial stages, but when it got close I would be pushed into the delivery room across the hall. I was still struggling to accept that my water had broken, the fact that I was basically in the early stages of labour was something I hadn't even began to contemplate.

_Richard sat on a chair, trying not to pay attention to a conversation between Emily and a nurse that he felt was too personal for him to be listening in on anyway. He was grateful when his phone rang, which gave him an excuse to exit the room. When he picked up, he didn't even have time to say hello before the tirade came._  
“Richard?! What’s going on, what’s happening?! I haven't heard a word in nearly two hours! That hardly qualifies as keeping my updated!” James barked.  
“You've sobered up, I hear...” Richard muttered sarcastically.   
“Richard! I have a machete!”   
“James, James, relax! Everything and everyone is absolutely fine,” Richard said reassuringly. “Sorry I didn't call you earlier, traffic was a bit mental, we only got here about forty-five minutes ago, things have been a bit hectic...” He rambled apologetically. There was a long silence.  
“... Good.” James' sigh of relief was audible even over the phone.”I'm in a car. The next flight to London didn't leave in a few hours, we figured it might be just as quick to just drive to London.”  
“Please tell me you're not driving?”  
“Mno, I threatened a sound-tech to do it or he'd be out of a job.”  
“Well, needs must, I guess.”  
“So.. How's Emily doing?”  
“Emily? She's doing good, James, don't worry.” Richard decided to drop the comedy and be a mate for once, he could tell by James' voice that he was going spare. And he had no problems understanding him, either, if it had been him stuck in a wrong country while Mindy had gone into labour he would've lost it on the spot. “You know your woman, she's a Valkyrie, she can take absolutely anything.”  
“I know she's tough, but... Richard, could I ask you a favour? Could you stay with her until I get there? She's going to say that you don't have to be there, that you can go home, but just... don't listen to her, just tell her you're staying. Please? I can't bear the thought of her having to go through this on her own. Especially if this baby is born before I get there.”   
“James, you pillock, you don't even have to ask me that, I was going to do that anyway.”  
“... Thanks,” James mumbled awkwardly. “Listen, could I talk to her, maybe?” 

The nurse was long gone, and now I realised that Richard was gone too. I sat there in my enormous hospital-gown, feeling rather abandoned. Inside my stomach there was suddenly no sign of life, no movement, no contractions, no nothing, and even though the rational side of me knew that to be perfectly normal, it didn't help. It still worried me. I raised my head when the door opened.  
“Hey, Emily. Want to talk to daddy?” Richard held up his phone, wiggling it a little. I bit my lower lip, looking sceptically at the phone, then I nodded. I couldn't not talk to him, how would that seem? Shaking I accepted the phone and held it up to my ear.   
“Hello?”  
“Hello, sweetheart. How are you doing?” James voice was warm and tender, and the sound of it nearly tore my insides a part. With a pang I realised just how badly I missed him, how much I needed him here with me. Once again I bit my lip, so hard I tasted blood. When I spoke, it took all my concentration to keep my voice steady and calm.  
“Hi, sweetheart. I'm okay. You know, after the circumstances...”  
“Is Richard being nice to you?” At this I almost laughed, looking over at Richard who was now sitting in a chair restlessly flicking through an issue of 'Mother & Baby', his hair slightly on end.   
“Yes, as a matter of fact. He's brought me chocolate. And ice chips, for some reason. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with those, and he won't tell me, but he says I'll thank him.”   
“Good, good...” James mumbled, obviously not taking in a word I was saying. “Emily, I'm on my way home, I'm in a car right now, we're about an hour out of Paris. GPS says this should take about four more hours... Hopefully we won't have to wait too long for channel tunnel train. If we do, I might actually swim the damn channel myself.”  
“Okay...” I said feebly, a sour lump swelling in my throat again.   
“Could you just... Keep it in until I get there?” He begged, only half joking.   
“I'll do my best. Just... get home, okay? But be safe.”  
“I will. I'm not the one driving, if that's any comfort.”  
“Good! Means you'll be here faster!” I retorted in an attempt to make a joke. That was when I realised I couldn't hold on much longer. “Listen, James, I better hang up, there's a nurse here to talk to me,” I blatantly lied.   
“Oh, okay... Keep me posted, yeah...?”  
“Of course, sweetie.”  
“I love you.”  
“Love you too.” As soon as I had hung up, I flopped back on the pillow with a huge sob that completely took my breath away. Richard obviously hadn't caught the last of our conversation, but he caught my sob and leapt out of his chair. To my slight surprised he didn't ask me what was wrong or why I was crying, he just took my hand in his and caressed my arm soothingly with the other, letting me cry.   
“Its okay, Emily... He'll be here soon, he's on his way. I know that doesn't help much right now, though,” he said after a while. I squeezed his hand in an attempt to signal that I had heard him and appreciated his comfort, speech still beyond me. Eventually I heaved a deep breath, sniffed and wiped my face.   
“I just... I just couldn't cry on the phone,” I said with a choked voice. “He's in France because of me, I practically forced him to go, promising this wouldn't happen while he was away, that this baby wouldn't be early. I just couldn't... let him hear me be upset that he wasn't here, it wouldn't be fair on him, its my fault he's not here right now. And now he's doing everything he can to get back, so I couldn't let him hear me... fall apart.” Richard sighed and pulled up a chair, then sat down an studied me for a little.   
“The two of you are just.. incredible,” he sighed, shaking his head a little. “You two love each other so much you would do practically anything to protect each other. Its amazing how either one of you would gladly destroy yourself if it meant you could shield the other.”   
“I would, it's true...” I confirmed with a sniff and a nod, fidgeting with my hands. “Richard, I... I know you only came by to check on me, and that this is probably the last thing you want to be doing on a Saturday night... I hate asking about this, but do you think you could stay here until-”  
“Don't insult me by asking, then,” Richard cut me off. “What do you take me for? Of course I would never leave you here on your own. If you want me to stay here, of course I'll stay.”  
“Thank you,” I sniffed, feeling a little awkward. I drew a deep breath, calming down a little. There was a knock on the door, and a woman entered. Smilingly she introduced herself as Julia, the midwife, and I shook her hand. Still smiling she turned to Richard.   
“So this is the expectant father? Hammond, is it?” She asked, stretching out a hand towards him, obviously recognising him from the telly. Rising from his chair he shook her hand while spluttering feeble protests.   
“Oh no, no, I'm just a friend I'm not the.. um.. It isn't me, I'm married, I have children. Its the other one. You know, with the long hair, flowery shirts...?” I couldn't help but laugh loudly at Richard's rambling. She midwife looked confusedly from Richard to me, her smile faltering a little.  
“'The other one' is in France, on his way home,” I explained. “Richard was just visiting me and then the water broke and.. well, here we are. Hopefully he'll be here in four hours or so, Richard is staying with me until then."  
“Oh, right! Well, lets hope the expectant father gets here in time,” she said soothingly, her smile back again, then she turned on her heels and left. Feeling restless and anxious I managed to heave myself out of bed and began waddling around the room, pacing back and forth. Time seemed to hardly move as my eyes were constantly on the clock on the wall. The contractions were still far apart, and not as bad as I had expected, but I was almost resenting every one of them as I knew each one brought the birth closer. After some experimentation I figured out that hanging over the hospital bed somehow made the contractions easier to get through. Richard kept his calm, cheering me on and rubbing my lower back when it hurt. It was getting late, and I felt bad for keeping Richard up

After a few hours Richard's phone rang, he looked at the screen and then just handed it to me. I read James' name on the screen and steeled myself again.   
“Hi, sweetheart,” I said in a bright voice, sitting down on the bed.  
“I'm in the right country at least, thank god!” James announced loudly.   
“Oh, yaaay!” I cheered.  
“We were lucky with the channel train, didn't have to wait long, we just got off it. I still feel like I have been in this car for three centuries!” He said frustratedly. There was a little silence, then he sighed. “I'm sorry, what am I complaining about, you are the only one who should be allowed to complain right now. How are you, honey?”  
“I'm okay, nothing much is happening so far, its slow going... I think you're going to make it here in plenty of time, I have contractions about every ten minutes.”  
“How awful are they?” He asked sympathetically.  
“Not so bad yet, I'm doing okay. ”   
“Honey, I'm so sorry, I wish I was there, you have no idea how much I wish I--”  
“James, don't do this, there's no point. Just... Concentrate on getting here, okay?”  
“Okay, okay. Love you.”  
“Love you too.” I hung up and handed the phone back to Richard. “He's in England, they just got off the train.”  
“Oh, that's good! They must be making good time, then.” Richard said brightly. Just as I was about to answer Richard, a pain shot through my pelvis and lower back, it was like every muscle in my midriff cramped up. My 'yeah' transformed into a long, strained howl of pain that made Richard jump.  
“Ow... ow ow ow ow...,” I complained as the pain receded finally receded, the contraction having lasted longer than any of my previous. “That felt... different. Bad different!”   
“Well, in my experience, birth is a thing that sort of grows... a million times worse before it gets better,” Richard said cautiously, making a sympathetic frown. “At least that was the general impressions Mindy gave...” After that, the contractions changed completely, becoming longer, more painful and more frequent. I had read enough about giving birth to know that there were several different types of contractions, all with different functions and manifestations of pain. As my first bout of contractions had been bad, these were agonisingly all-consuming, sweeping everything else from my mind. Walking around was out of the question now, my legs just buckled under me every time the pain hit. After half an hour of increasing misery I called for the midwife. As I described the changes in my contractions she promptly threw Richard out and did a quick exam.  
“Oooh, things have definitely changed! You're at six centimetres now!” She said happily, her head emerging absurdly from between my legs.   
“What?!” I squeaked. The last time I had been examined there had barely been any dilation at all. If I had felt like I wasn't in control then, I really felt out of control now. “Do you think it'll happen soon?”   
“I can't answer that, dear,” the midwife said, draping a blanket over me again. “It might happen soon, it might not be for hours and hours. There really isn't any way to tell. There has been a lot of progress in the last hour, but it might not continue this way, the dilation might stop for a while, I just don't know. How far away is your partner?”  
“I don't know, couple of hours, maybe less.” I talked fast as I was bracing for the next contraction that was coming on.  
“I'll send your friend in again, all right?” She asked, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I was huffing my way through another wave of pain. I just nodded and grunted, far too preoccupied with my own suffering. Richard returned and sat down on my bedside, offering up a hand for me to squeeze if I needed to.   
“What did she say? She didn't tell me anything,” Richard asked when I relaxed and stopped huffing.   
“Apparently this baby is in a fucking hurry all of a sudden,” I grumbled. Then, abruptly and without warning I began crying again. A wave of panic and fear swept over me, every bit as painful as the physical agony of contractions. “No, no, no, I can't do this, I'm not ready for this, and I'm not sure James is either. I can't do this, I can't have a child, its scares the fucking life out of me! I'm not ready for this baby to come out yet...” I wailed.   
“Ssh ssh, Emily, calm down....” Richard soothed. He waited for my sobs to calm down before he continued speaking. “Of course you are ready for this, you both are. I know it's scary, but... You and James are going to be such amazing parents. Both of you are calm, intelligent, caring people, and you'll both do everything you possibly can to do what is best for your child. Of course it's daunting, but you've both been so excited and happy about this, too. And that's what so amazing about having a baby, it's like nothing you've ever experienced in your life.”   
“That's for sure...” I sniffed.   
“Emily, don't worry. You and James love each other, which is the most important thing. Besides, this baby is going to have a whole bunch of aunties and uncles that can help out. Not just James' family but me and Mindy, Francie and Jezza.. We'll all be there.”  
“Okay... Thanks...” I mumbled.   
“Don't tell James I spoke nicely of him.”   
“Wouldn't dream of it,” I smiled weakly. I squeezed Richard's hand, looking at him gratefully. “I'm glad at least one of us has gone through this before! Thank you so much for staying here, and for... being so great to me. You're turning out to be a good midwife. Mid...husband? Midman?”  
“Birth assistant?” Richard suggested, and I laughed. I spent the next hour huffing and wheezing my way through contraction after contraction, bullets of sweat hailing on my forehead. Between every wave of pain I fought my increasing panic that James wouldn't make it in time. When Richard called James to give him an update, they had just driven past Maidstone and he'd be at the hospital within an hour.


	69. Chapter 69

The door flew open and a wild-eyed, bushy-haired James burst through it, breathing like he had run all the way from Paris on his own two legs. Both of us looked calmly up at him from where we were, me standing by my bed and Richard sitting on a chair in a corner. Coming to an abrupt halt he stared at us both with utter confusion in his eyes.  
“What did you expect? Blood and goo and hysterical screaming?” I asked, chewing my lip not to smirk at him.  
“Something like that! I expected you to be in bed, at any rate,” he said, still out of breath. In three hurried strides he crossed the floor towards me. Despite being sweaty and already feeling exhausted, my heart beat faster at the sight of him and a wide smile spread on my face.   
“Hello, sweetheart...” He smiled too as he wrapped his arms around me, giving me a long hug while running his hand down my back.   
“Sorry, I'm all sweaty and icky,” I apologised. He didn't care, but kissed my cheek then pressed his lips against mine. “You've been drinking, you wanker,” I smirked, smelling the alcohol on him.   
“Yeah... But I have so much adrenaline in my body, I swear I have never been more sober in my life,” he giggled back a little nervously, his eyes glittering. For a moment I forgot everything around me, I forgot about being in a hospital, about Richard and about being in labour, all that existed was my James and his beautiful eyes. “Also, you promised me this wouldn't happen and that this baby wouldn't, under any circumstances, come for another three weeks at least,” James reminded me.   
“Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't bring that up...” I smiled innocently up at James. “Call it even?”  
“Okay...” James breathed, smiling then giving me another kiss. Richard cleared his throat in the background, obviously feeling rather ignored. He'd gotten out of his chair, looking a little awkward. “Hammond.. Thanks a lot for staying here,” James said, looking even more awkward, and to my surprise he even gave Richard a hug.   
“No worries, mate...” Richard answered, patted his back. “Listen, I'm going to get out of here, leave you two alone, this is your moment after all.” He looked from James to me, and I nodded at him. Richard came over to me and I took his hand in mine, squeezing it.   
“Richard, thank you so, so much for staying here with me, for all your help... I don't know what I would've done without you,” I said gratefully.   
“You've been doing great, Emily. You can do this,” he said reassuringly, then took a step closer and gave my forehead a kiss before hugging me.  
“Thanks...” I squeaked, and for some reason I was crying again, touched by Richard's words and his tenderness.   
“Let me know when it's over, okay? I want to know everything; weight, length, hair-colour, innie or outie, if James cried like a sissy, everything.” At this I gave a watery chuckle.   
“Okay, I will,” I nodded. “Drive safe.” Richard picked up his jacket, put it on and waved one more time before exiting the room.   
“And now you're stuck with me... a blithering incompetent idiot,” James said a little apologetically, wrapping his arms around me.   
“Both of us is pretty incompetent at this, though, none of us has ever done this before,” I smiled back. A great weight had been lifted from my shoulders now that James was here, I felt like I could breathe easier and actually focus on what I knew was going to get only worse and be one of the toughest things I would ever have to go through. Richard had been great and done everything he could to help and support me, and without him I would have been an absolute wreck. But now that I had James with me, the prospect of going through the rest of my labour didn't seem so daunting.   
“I'm surprised you're up and walking,” James admitted, studying me intently.   
“I wasn't before, but it's been quiet for the last twenty minutes,” I explained, rubbing at my aching back.   
“It just.. stopped? What does that mean? Is something wrong?” he jabbered, instantly worrying.   
“No no no, James, relax, it doesn't have to mean anything. It just.. happens. Its just... taking a break,” I shrugged, running my hands over my stomach. Just as I said so, the pain shot through me again and I bent over double. “See? Juuuust a break,” I groaned, crawling back into bed on my hands and knees. Standing on all fours I hung over the raised headboard of the bed, huffing.   
“Anything I can do?” James asked, doing a poor job at keeping the panic in his voice to a minimum. “Rub my back...” I begged. I felt James' hands on my back, trembling. “Lower down, and harder.”   
“Hammond did this better, didn't he,” James asked mildly when he sensed that the contraction was over.  
“Actually, yes,” I admitted with a snort, then awkwardly turned around in the bed, coming to rest on my back. James hovered by my bedside, looking tense and pale.  
“We could call him, you know, get him back here, he can't have gotten far,” James suggested.  
“Oh don't be daft, James,” I scoffed.  
“I'm sorry, I'm just feeling... utterly clueless,” he said, looking desperately unhappy.   
“Sweetheart... Just that you're here means everything to me,” I smiled at him, stretching out a hand towards him. He took it and I pulled him closer, making him sit down on the edge of my bed. “Having Richard here was good, he's done this before so he was very calm and together about everything. But... he isn't the father of this baby.”   
“I hope not..” James mumbled under his breath, but I could see the teasing glint in his eyes.  
“Don't even go there!” I said, unable to stop myself from laughing. “The point is - he isn't you. And you are all I care about. This isn't a competition about who is the better birth helper, you know,” I smirked, and James blushed a little, averting his eyes. “I feel so much better now that you're here, I was so worried you were going to miss out on this.”  
“I was worried about that, too.. You know, out of all the races and things we've done on Top Gear, this was by far the most nerve-wracking, it was the longest car journey of my life!”  
“Please tell me you didn't drive?”  
“And land myself in prison on top of everything else? God no. I've been drinking!”

Now that James had arrived and I gone into a more relaxed state of mind, my body took that as a sign to speed things up significantly. Contractions became more and intense and came as often as every three minutes. When the midwife came to check on me she decided it was time to move into the actual delivery room. After that everything turned into a blur. One contraction just seemed to be replaced by a new one, I was in a chaotic haze of pain and misery. I concentrated on breathing, determined to use my energy for other things than screaming bloody murder, even though I wanted to at certain times. The only time I screamed was when I asked if I, for the love of god, could maybe be allowed to push now?! The midwife gave me permission, and not a moment too soon, because after four or five pushes the pain , the tightness, the tension, the strain, everything just disappeared.   
“What happened?!” I asked breathlessly, as my eyes had been tightly shut and I hadn't even seen what had happened.   
“Your daughter was just born,” Julia replied, half-laughing at my stupid question. On cue there was a high-pitched, unearthly cry and my eyes sprang open. She was holding a baby, purple-pink and shiny and screaming her lungs out. “Open your shirt, dear. Here you go, baby, here's mummy,” she crooned, placing the protesting infant on my now bare chest. Completely mesmerized, having forgotten about everyone around me including James, I stared at the baby whose trembling wailing was dying down to small, squeaky sobs.   
“Hello, little human...” I sniffed, tears pouring down my cheeks. Julia brought a preheated blanket over and draped it over the baby.  
“Congratulations mummy. And congratulations daddy,” she said, her face shining. This reminded me that James was there, and as I looked over to him I saw that he was white as a sheet and his eyes were wide with shock.   
“James? You all right?” I asked mildly. His eyes snapped up from the baby to me and he nodded absent-mindedly, his eyes dropping down to the baby again. Looking at the infant again, I saw that she had opened her eyes and was staring up at me, blinking slowly. “Hey, you... Hello, sweetheart. Welcome to the world...” I sniffed. For a long time I just stared at her, hypnotized at the sight. She was mine, I had made her, she was my daughter. Our daughter. “God, you're a gloopy, messy one, aren't you?” I gave a watery chuckle and ran a trembling hand over her sticky tufts of light brown hair and down her back.   
“What is that on her skin again?” James asked, looking up at the midwife, and she launched inot an explanation about 'vernix caseosa'.   
"Listen, how about I take her for a minute and get her cleaned up a bit, weigh her and do all of that. Meanwhile you can get cleaned up a little too? Get into a clean bed and so on?" Julia suggested mildly.  
"All right..." I said hesitantly, unwilling to let my baby go. With a trained, gentle hand Julia lifted up the baby and cradled her in her arms. "I'll give you two a minute on your own. Then I'll send in a nurse to help you get cleaned up." She turned on her heels and disappeared, and I stared after her, already missing the warmth of my child. With a sigh I closed my hospital shirt, then turned to look at James, who still looked pale and shaken.  
"Sure you're all right?" I asked again. Ignoring my question he just took my hand in one of his, then ran the other of my forehead.  
"You did...so good, Emily. I'm so impressed, and immensely proud of you," he smiled. "You are absolutely amazing."  
"Aw... Thank you, sweetheart," I said, returning the smile.  
"God, I love you," he sighed, then leaned in and gave me a long, lingering kiss.  
"I love you too," I said, squeezing his hand. "Can you believe our baby was just born?"  
"No," he said flatly, shaking his head a little. 

There was a gentle knock on the door, and a nurse entered with a wheelchair and a washbowl full of cloths and towels. She ushered James out of the room and directed him back to the family room. Then she set about helping me get cleaned up and into a new hospital gown before she helped me out of bed and into the wheelchair, as my legs were a bit wobbly. When I was wheeled into our room James was sitting the chair that Hammond had occupied most of the evening, still looking shell-shocked. The nurse helped me over in the bed, then quietly exited the room. As if on cue, Julia appeared with a baby bed on wheels. The baby lying in it now looked very different from the one I had seen twenty minutes earlier. Her skin colour had become more normal, even though she was still quite pink. Most of the waxy goo that had been on her was gone, and she was now clad in a white onesie and cradled in a pink hospital blanket.  
"I thought you might want this back," Julie said in a quiet whisper, gently lifting the baby up and placing her in my arms. The baby opened her eyes at the sensation of being moved.  
"Thanks," I whispered back. Staring at the bundle I couldn't stop grinning so badly it nearly hurt. "How much did she weigh?" I asked, realising that it couldn't have been much.  
"5.7 pounds, and a shade over 18 inches. She's a tiny one, but she is nearly four weeks early. And her mum isn't a giant either," Julia smiled, not looking worried about her small size at all. "Everything is fine, blood pressure and heart rate is normal, good oxygen levels in her blood, everything is perfect. Now, try to get some sleep, all three of you."  
"Oh god, what time is it? What time was she even born?" I asked, having forgotten such a concept as time even existed.  
"It's now... 3:20am and she was born at 2:47 am. If you need me, you know how to get hold of me." Julia walked out of the room and quietly shut the door behind her. The baby in my arms was wide awake, staring wonderingly up at me. Looking over at James he scooted his chair closer, also needing to look at her.  
"Hello, pumpkin... I bet that felt nice, huh? Getting all that goo off and getting some nice, clean clothes on." I crooned softly at the baby, smiling all the while. With amazement I ran my fingers over her now clean hair and her incredibly soft skin, drinking her in. Running a fingertip over her cheek and the corner of her mouth, she immediately turned her head a little towards my finger, opening her mouth a little. I had read enough about babies and birth to know that within the first hour the instinct to breastfeed could arise. "See? Instinct is kicking in already," I smiled up at James. "All right... Lets see if we can figure this thing out, huh? You and me, we'll figure it out, won't we?" Onehanded I undid the buttons on my hospital gown and pulled the shirt away, exposing a breast. I pulled her closer to it, and with my free hand I steered my nipple towards her mouth, brushing it over her lips. She opened her mouth again and I pulled her even closer. She gaped wide, tried to suckle and lost it a few times, then she got the hang of it. "Oh goood this feels weird!" I exclaimed, and James laughed.  
"I can imagine it does!” he conceded with a little snort.  
“That's my girl!” I cheered in hushed tones. The baby suckled for a little bit, but then her pace slowed and she blinked slowly a couple of times, eventually falling asleep with her lips against my breast. “Lights out, it seems.”   
“Maybe you should try and get some sleep too,” James suggested mildly.   
“Yeah... But I'm not putting her down,” I said stubbornly. I had been sitting in bed, my back against the headboard. Slowly, hoping I wouldn't disturb her too much, I laid her down next to me on the bed, making sure to wrap her in her blanket before I inched down onto the bed, coming to rest on my side with my head on the pillow. Then I pulled my baby girl as close to me as I could, wrapping an arm around her. James rounded the bed, took off his clothes and crawled under his own duvet. As I closed my eyes, letting myself relax, I felt his hand on mine. Then I was out like a light.


	70. Chapter 70

I slept soundly, my body and mind tired and battered. Even so I woke at the slightest little wince from the bundle lying against me. When I opened my eyes it was light out, and it was nearly 8am. Looking over at James he was sleeping heavily, breathing slowly with his mouth slightly open. “Good morning, pumpkin...” I whispered, my voice barely audible so I wouldn't wake James, I wanted to let him sleep. “We must've been pretty knackered, both you and me, huh? We've slept for ages! Maybe you're hungry, huh?” She wasn't crying, not yet, but she was complaining in small little, squeaky winces. Feeling stiff and sore I climbed clumsily out of bed, carried my duvet over to a high-backed armchair in a corner, then went to pick up my baby girl. Sitting down in the chair I draped the duvet over my bare legs so I wouldn't get could, and placed the baby over it in my lap, using the duvet as a nursing pillow as well. She fumbled with the proffered nipple for a little, but took a deep, heavy breath of content when she finally caught it properly. There was more milk this time, and she did a better job of getting to it. As I stared down at the baby at my breast I was struck with amazement again. As strange as this sensation felt, it also felt completely natural, it was just the way it was supposed to be. I had tried to picture myself doing this more times than I could count, and I had never been able to. No matter how hard I had tried, I had never been able to imagine what it would be like to hold a baby that was mine. It reminded me of when I had taken care of baby Emily, but with so much more feelings evolved, emotions so strong and huge I barely dared to feel them. Looking at her I felt a sense of... ownership, there was no other word for it, she was mine. But I also felt an overwhelming pride and pure, unconditional love. But all that pride and love brought with it responsibility, and all the trepidation and worry that came with that. This little human would depend upon me and James for absolutely everything, food, clothes, comfort and support, guidance and help. The way we brought her up would shape her as a person, we would be partly responsible for who she grew up to be. The thought terrified me. But as soon as I looked down at the child in my arms, the fear just faded away. She had stopped suckling, and now just lay there in my arms, her hands intertwined, looking up at me. We sat like that for a while, considering each other.  
“Okay, munchkin... Maybe we should try ourselves at nappy-changing, huh?” There was a fully equipped changing table in the bathroom. Gingerly, as if she was made of thin glass, I laid her on the changing mat and opened the buttons on her onesie, pulling it up a little. I was amazed at how tiny she was, her little legs and tiny feet, and still I couldn't believe she had fit inside me. She protested a little as the old nappy disappeared, probably feeling cold, but quickly quieted down again when the new one was on and she was wrapped in a blanket again. Returning to the room James was still asleep. I crawled back into bed, holding her close to me. Unblinkingly, falling madly in love with her, I stared at her as she began blinking slowly, quickly falling asleep next to me. I allowed myself to close my eyes too, thinking I better get some sleep while I still could. 

A few hours later I was gently roused by James. He was sitting on my side of the bed, fully clothed.   
“Hm? Hi...” I croaked.   
“Don't tell me you two have slept all this time?” He asked.   
“No no, we were up for an hour around 8, nappy change, feeding...” I said, rubbing my face tiredly.  
“Aw, I'm sorry, I slept through everything,” he said with a sad shrug.  
“Don't be,” I said, rubbing his arm heavily.  
“Listen, I'm going to pop home quickly, okay? I have nothing with me, my suitcase is still in France. I need to pick up some clothes, get the car, put in the baby seat, all of that,” James explained.  
“Okay, yeah, sounds like a good plan...” I said, still tired and foggy from sleep.   
“Colin is on his way, he'll will be here soon to pick me up and drive me back home. Is there anything you want me to bring from home? Something you forgot?”  
“Mm no, not that I can think of right now... I'll text you if I think of something.”  
“You two will be all right on your own for a while, yeah?”   
“Of course we will,” I reassured him with a little smile. James looked over at the baby for a moment, then he gave me a quick kiss.   
“See you in a few hours then. Go back to sleep.” I heard James walk across the floor and exit the room quietly. Going back to sleep was tempting, but I guessed the baby would be hungry before long, and there was no point in it. Lying on my side I gazed at the bundle, smiling a little to myself at how peaceful she looked. James was acting strange, he had been ever since she was born. He tried to hide it, and he probably even thought he was being successful, but he was far from it. My guess was that he had asked Colin to drive him back to the house not only so he could sort out some practicalities, but so he could get some fresh air and get some time to himself, get some time to think. As prepared as James thought he had been for this coming baby, actually seeing her had shocked him to core. Precisely what it was that had gotten to him I didn't know, but something was going on. Maybe it was just that he was a dad now, that she was actually here. He had known we were having a child, he had seen it on the ultrasound, he'd felt her kicks and punches, but now I suspected he'd maybe never quite managed to get his head around it after all. She had lived inside me, maybe that had made it easier for me to understand it and prepare for it. I lay motionless for a long time, staring absent-mindedly at my sleeping baby as I let my thoughts meander freely. The baby began waking up, stretching her little arms and legs, making strange faces and odd little squeaks. I giggled as I watched, fascinated by this strange little creature coming to life next to me. Before long she started crying, and I pulled her close and onto my arm, letting her eat for as long as she wanted to. There was a gentle knock on my door and in came Beatrice, my obstetrician.   
“Hello...” she said quietly, walking quietly across the floor not to disturb the baby who busy eating.  
“Bea! Hello!” I said, a little louder. “I would greet you properly, but I'm a big caught up here,” I explained.   
“Oh I know, don't worry about it,” she said. We spoke in hushed whispers. Beatrice sat down on the other side of the bed, studying the child. “I heard through the grapevine that she was born last night. I just couldn't resist coming up here and say hello, hope that's all right...”  
“Yes, yes, of course it is,” I smiled. I had really liked Beatrice, she had been a great support for me during my pregnancy, I trusted her and that she knew what she was doing. Eventually the baby let go of my breast, evidently full.   
“Can I..?” Bea asked timidly, and I nodded as I closed my hospital gown. Bea pulled the baby over the mattress on the blanket she was lying on, then wrapped it around her before lifting her up and into her arms. Awkwardly I sat up in bed and pulled the duvet over me. Bea had held hundreds of babies, and she cooed and crooned to her as she paced the room holding the baby against her shoulder, rubbing her back in an effort to get a burp out. I crawled out of bed and found a cloth that I draped over Bea's shoulder.   
“In case she.. threw up,” I explained, then crawled back under the duvet.   
“Oh, pff, I can handle a little spit-up,” she scoffed. “So, this little miss decided to come out early, huh?”   
“Yeah, due date as May 14th.. She was born April 22nd.”  
“Three weeks and one day early, then. That's why you're so little, huh? Oh, and the fact that your mother is a pygmy,” Bea giggled at the baby. “Born last night, wasn't she?”  
“Yeah, 2:47am I think it was.”  
“And you were in labour for how long?”  
“Oh, it started about... 6.30pm I guess.”  
“Eight hours... You got off lightly,” she teased. “  
“Tell that to my vagina,” I grumbled. “It'll never be the same again.”  
“You will be amazed at how stretchy and flexible that stuff is, you'll be good to go again in a couple of months,” Bea waved carelessly. “Speaking of, where's your other half?” Bea asked, sitting down in the high-backed armchair.   
“He's taken off,” I said sarcastically. Her mouth fell a little open and her eyes widened with shock. “No no, not for real,” I hurried to add. “He's just gone home for a bit, picking up some clothes and his car. When he came here last night he came straight from France, he was there working.”  
“Ooooh, right,” Beatrice said, seeming relieved.  
“That being said, I suspect he really needed to get out of here for a bit and air out his brain, he's pretty spooked.”  
“Oh, he'll come around. He is far from the first fresh daddy to have a panic-attack,” she waved carelessly.  
“Yeah, I know,” I agreed, not really worried either. “If he isn't back in the next six hours, I might be a bit concerned though...”  
“Have you come up with a name yet?” Beatrice asked after a long pause in which she had gazed smilingly at the sleeping baby in her arms.   
“Er... no.”  
“Well, have you at least talked about any possibilities?” She asked, sounding a little resigned.   
“Well... Actually, we started talking about it before she was born, but then we realised it was just stupid to argue about it before we even knew if it was a boy or a girl because that meant we'd have to have two arguments in stead of just the one. So we decided to just.. not discuss it until we at least knew if we should argue about boys' names or girls' names.”  
“Ever the practical people, you two,” she chuckled, rolling her eyes. While Beatrice was there she was sure to get me some lunch, forcing me to eat, reminding me that it was equally important to drink and eat enough now that I was breastfeeding.

After Beatrice had left I remembered my promise to Richard and picked up my phone to quickly sent him a text, telling him all the things he had wanted to know and thanking him again for having been there for me until James had arrived. Then I realised that my father and siblings would probably be interested in hearing the news as well, so I quickly typed in another text and sent it. Putting the phone down I pulled the wrapped up bundle close to me again and we had a little nap together. I must have fallen into a deep sleep, because I didn't hear the baby stir and complain, she was screaming her lungs out before I woke up properly. Feeling guilty for not having awoken earlier I scrambled out of bed, hating the sound of my child screaming this way, wanting to do to everything and anything I could to make it stop, and as soon as possible. Not because it annoyed me, but because the sound of my child in despair was enough to tear my heart apart. Even though my reasonable side knew that she was probably 'just' hungry. My heart thumped in my chest long after the baby had settled down. Was I going to become this stressed out ever time she screamed a little? I let her eat as much as she wanted too, then carried her into the bathroom to change her nappy for the second time in my entire life. How long would it take before I lost count? Tomorrow? A few days? Finished in the bathroom I wrapped her up again and returned to the high-backed armchair, sitting down. She was awake for a while, squeaking and yawning and making odd little faces before eventually falling asleep. I don't know how long I sat there, staring at her, but I only managed to tear my eyes away from her when the door opened. James came backwards through it, carrying a baby car seat in one hand and an overnight bag in the other. I breathed a sigh of relief, first now realising that I had actually been truly worried that he was having a proper panic attack and wouldn't come back.   
“Hello, you two,” he said a little breathlessly, setting the car seat down on the floor. “Sorry, sorry, that took forever!” He apologised. Taking off his jacket he sank down in a chair, eyeing me curiously.   
'”How have you two been?”   
“We're doing all right,” I smiled. “We've had a nap, we had some food, changed some nappies... Oh, and we had a visitor! Beatrice came by! The obstetrician, remember?” I reminded him when I saw his confused face.  
“Oh yeah, right, I remember.”  
“She says congratulations.”  
“That was nice of her. Listen, I'm sorry I was gone for so long, I just... Colin wouldn't stop jabbering, and when he finally left I had a shower, then the traffic was mad trying to get back here...” James jabbered, looking sincerely sorry about having been gone so long.  
“James, honey, its all right...” I said tenderly. “We missed you though.”  
“I missed you too,” he smiled back.   
“Want to hold her?” I asked, thinking it was about bloody time he did.   
“Oh no, no, she's sleeping, you don't have to disturb her...” He mumbled, shaking his head and raising both hands in an averting gesture. Actual panic and fear was visible in his eyes. With an annoyed huff I got up from my chair, cradling the baby in my arms.  
“Get up,” I barked, having had enough.  
“What?” James said weakly, frowning slightly.  
“Get. Up.”  
“But...”  
“James, I gave birth less than 24 hours ago, you do not want to argue with me,” I growled warningly. Too intimidated to do anything else, he got out of the chair. “Shoes off.” Clearly having no idea what he was doing it, he kicked his shoes off. “Now t-shirt. Off.”   
“...What?”  
“James!” I said firmly, my voice making it clear that I was not going to argue with him. Hesitantly he took his t-shirt off, looking a little awkward and insecure as he dropped it onto the chair he had been sitting on. “Good. Now lie down,” I commanded. Still frowning, James laid down on his back one side of the double bed, still looking at me with a confused, almost fearful frown. Rounding the bed I unwrapped the bundle from her blanket and turned her over on her stomach.  
“No no no, Emily, wait, no...” James jabbered feebly as I gently lowered her onto James' torso, placing her head roughly where his heart would be. His entire body tensed up and he drew his shoulders up to his ears, frozen with fear. He stared at her unblinkingly, as if I had just placed an extremely poisonous and rather cross scorpion on his chest.   
“Breathe,” I admonished when he started going oddly pale. He breathed, but didn't relax a muscle. I sat down on the edge of the bed. “James... This is your baby girl, your daughter. Our daughter. She's here now and its too late to change your mind about having her, so you better get used to her being around.” James looked up at me quickly, a mixture of shame and apology in his eyes, as if he was a schoolboy being scolded. Then he looked down at the newborn baby lying on his chest. She squirmed and squeaked, complaining feebly about having been removed from the warmth of her blanket and my arms. Gently I draped the blanket over her and James. There was a long silence in which James stared at her.   
“She's so... tiny.. and frail.. and... vulnerable,” he said quietly.   
“Of course she is. What did you expect, that I would give birth to a first grader?”  
“What if I.. do something wrong...” He mumbled.   
“Oh, James..,” I sighed, completely understanding his concerns and fears, but struggling to figure out how to explain it to him in a way that he would understand. “James, Remember when you got your first model train? Or your first motorcycle, or your first car?”  
“Er, yeah...?” James said under his breath, obviously not seeing the connection.   
“Did you know everything about it when you got it? How to fix it, how it worked, what to do when it broke down?”  
“Er.. no... but most of those came with an instruction manual. And if they didn't I could always take them to someone who knew what to do, like a... mechanic or... dad...,” James mumbled.   
“But... I bet that before you did that, you often tried to fix it yourself, right?” I challenged.  
“Yeah, all right... But I ruined a fair few motorbikes and cars that way.. And I really don't want to ruin her!” He said inconsolably.   
“James, what I'm trying to say is... You were hands on and you learned as you went, and if you failed you asked someone who might knew what to do, Well, thankfully, this baby comes with all its main wiring and major parts in working order. All we have to do is... basic maintenance, you know? Refill it with fuel, recharge the batteries, clean the gaskets and other things that need cleaning... I'm not saying our baby is like a motorbike, but the idea is the same. It'll take hands on practice and learning. I don't have all the answers, and neither do you, and we'll just have to settle for that and learn as we go along.”  
“But still, what if I do something... wrong...” he maintained.   
“James, this is your daughter. You are always going to do what you think is best for her. And you are going to do anything in your power to make sure that nothing will ever harm her.” While James and I had been talking, the baby had gradually settled down and fallen asleep on her father's chest, soothed by the sound of his heartbeats and the warmth and softness of his skin.  
“She's gone back to sleep!” James said with wide eyes, his voice a mixture of pride and incredulity.   
“See? She knows she's safe with her daddy,” I said quietly. James looked down at his sleeping baby girl and he took another deep breath, as if gathering up courage. He raised a trembling hand and ran a fingertip gently over the back of her balled up fist, feeling her soft skin for the first time. It was as if I could see the exact moment his paternity instinct kicked into gear. His body relaxed, his shoulders sank and his facial expression softened. Still trembling a little he ran his hand over her tiny arm and down her back, his palm almost covering all of it. With a feather-light touch he ran his fingertips over her soft hair. Suddenly everything about him seemed tender; his eyes, his face, his touch. Quietly I watched as James held and touched his daughter for the first time, getting to know her, welcoming her into this world and into our lives. I saw how his jaw tightened as he became emotional, and how he tried to blink away a few tears. After a long while he seemed to snap out of his momentary trance and look up at me, giving me a little smile. So many things shone through that smile; I could see his insecurity waning for his growing confidence and the hope that maybe he could do this after all, I could see his amazement and joy, his pride and his love. Suddenly I felt like I should leave them alone for a minute. I had after all held her ever since she was born, now it was James' turn to bond with her. “I was wondering if maybe I could go take a shower. Think you two will be all right on your own for a while?” I asked quietly.  
“Hm? Yeah, I think we can manage, can't we..?” He said in a quiet, tender voice I had never heard in him before. “Are you going to be all right on your own, though?”  
“Yeah, I'll be fine,” I smiled. “I have a shower chair in there. And an alarm button for the nurse if I need help.”  
“Okay. I love you,” James smiled. Leaning over him I gave him a kiss.  
“Love you. And, I love you,” I whispered against the baby's hair before straightening up. I dug out some clothes and my toiletry bag, then headed for the bathroom. I stayed in the shower for ages, the warm water relieving my sore and battered muscles. Getting dressed was also a challenge and turned out to take three times longer than as I was used to. 

Nearly half an hour later I exited the bathroom. James was so preoccupied with his daughter he didn't even notice, and for a moment I stood there leaning against the door-frame, quietly watching them. My heart melted as I saw James softly brushing his nose and his lips over her hair and skin, taking in her smell, then kissing her forehead tenderly. A loud sniff from me made James look up, and when he noticed me crying a worried expression came over him.   
“What's wrong?”  
“No, no, nothing, nothing at all,” I said, smiling through my tears as I crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. “It's just... watching you together is so... special. It's amazing, seeing you with her,” I sniffed.   
“Happy tears, then?” James smiled shyly, almost blushing a little. Everything about James seemed different now, all the tension and confusion in him gone. At the same time I realised I would never quite see James the same way again; I was seeing James as a father for the first time. Both mine and James' eyes fell to our daughter, sleeping soundly on James' chest.   
“You know... Maybe its about time we had that naming-argument now? We can't just refer to her as 'she' for the rest of her life, can we?”  
“Mm, I was thinking the same thing while you were in the shower....” He agreed, not taking his eyes off her.  
“Yeah? And what have you been thinking?” I asked, curiosity rising within me.   
“I was thinking... that maybe we could... perhaps name her after your mum?” The suggestion came out of the blue, causing a wave of emotions to rush through me and render me completely speechless. James didn't quite know what to make of my silence and began explaining his thoughts behind the idea. “Emily, I.. Know how much you miss your mum, and how much she meant to you. The fact that your mum isn't here to see your baby grow up, and the fact that she will never know her grandmother, I know how that breaks your heart. So I thought that if we named her after your mum... She'll carry a part of her with her and she'd always know who her grandmother was. I thought it is a good way of remembering and honouring your mum. It was just a thought...” James finished apologetically, completely misinterpreting my tears. At first I just shook my head at him, unable to say anything.  
“No, no, we should do that, that is an amazing idea!” I squeaked, smiling and crying at the same time. The thought of naming her after my mum had strangely never even occurred to me, but now that James had suggested it, it seemed such an obvious idea, one that filled me with a confusing mixture of bitter-sweet emotions.   
“So we're agreed, then?” James asked.   
“Yeah,” I nodded eagerly, smiling.  
“Wow. That was easy,” James mumbled, amazed at how quickly we had agreed on a name. With a sniff I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand, then placed my hand on the baby's back, caressing the back of her neck with a fingertip. “Linnea Brendan May...” James said quietly, saying the name of his daughter out loud for the first time.  
“I like that name,” I said, a little surprised that he included my last name. “Little Linnea...” As if in response Linnea sighed deeply, then moved and stretched a little in her sleep. “Yeah, that's an adorable name, isn't it? Just as adorable as you are, huh?” I crooned. Straightening up I groaned a little at my stiff back and stomach muscles. I eyed the empty space next to James on the bed. “Room for me too?” James just nodded and I crawled into bed, inching right up to him. Resting my head on James' shoulder I studied my daughter lovingly. James' arm closed around my back, caressing me slowly.  
“She's pretty cute, isn't she?” I said quietly.  
“She's... perfect,” James breathed. “I can't believe how small she is. I mean, look at her little eyelashes. And her tiny fingers, and her perfect little nails...” James ran his hand tenderly down her arm and over her fist, then gently straightening out her fingers. I sighed heavily, feeling a happy, mellow tranquillity spreading throughout my body.  
“This is perfect. This moment, right here,” I smiled, kissing James' shoulder through his shirt. He hummed as he pressed his lips against my forehead.   
“Emily... I'm sorry about acting so strange earlier, I was...” James began, but his sentence ground to a halt as he didn't find the words.  
“... having a discreet, but full-blown panic attack?” I suggested in a mild tone.  
“Yes,” James admitted with a little laugh. “I was just so overwhelmed and.. terrified, frankly. Which is stupid, because... Look at her, how can a grown man be terrified of something that is this sickeningly cute?” He mused, gesturing to Linnea.   
“I knew you'd come around. Even if it meant that I had to make you,” I snorted. “And you're not scared of her, you're scared of the responsibility of having to take care of her, of bringing her up. And so am I,” I admitted. “We'll just have to.. take it one day at a time, yeah?”  
“Yeah, I guess,” James hummed absent-mindedly.  
“You know, it never even occurred to me that we could name her after my mum. I never called her by her name anyway, I always just said “mum”, but still... Linnea is actually a Swedish name, because my grandmother came from Sweden, so she gave her daughter a Swedish name,” I explained.   
“And what was your grandmothers name?” James asked curiously.   
“Ulrika, actually. We just called her Ulla for short.” For a while all I could hear was the sound of James and Linnea breathing as another serene silence fell between us. “By the way, I sent Hammond a text telling him what he wanted to know, I thought he deserved to know. Oh, and I told him you wept like a hormonal woman.”   
“Oh, gee, thanks,” James snorted.   
“I also sent the happy news to my dad, my brother and sister, I thought they would want to know. Have you told any in your family yet?”  
“Um... no, I haven't even thought about that yet, to be honest,” James realised, frowning. “I'll do it later. Right now I just want to stay right here.” We laid there for a long time, enjoying each other's warmth. Eventually, and inevitably, Linnea began stirring, stretching and making faces, yawning widely to the amusement of both James and me. Then she began complaining, telling us as clearly as she was able to that she was getting hungry again. With difficulty I tore myself away from James and sat up in bed.   
“Feeding time,” I told James, gently picking Linnea up from James' chest and cradling her in my arms.   
“Can I.. have her back after?” James asked timidly, already looking unhappy without her.   
“Of course you can,” I smiled. I carried Linnea over to the armchair and laid her to my breast, using a pillow for support underneath her. “Yeah, of course daddy can have you back after, right? You just have to come to me for a little bit for food. See, daddy has boobs too, but there's no food in them,” I crooned at Linnea, chortling as I spoke.   
“Oi!” James protested, and I giggled. Feeling cold, or self-conscious about his boobs, James pulled a duvet over his bare upper-body. “Does that still feel really weird?” James asked after having observed us for a while.   
“Hm, no, not really. Its a strange sensation, but it gradually becomes less... sensitive, I guess. I just know that my nipples are going to become really sore eventually, and I'm really not looking forward to that...” James screwed up his face in sympathy at the thought of extremely sore nipples. When feeding time was over I walked back and forth over the floor a few times, bouncing her a little and rubbing her back, trying to get her to burp. James was half-sitting in bed and tapping away on his phone, writing a message to his family I guessed. As soon as I approached the bed he quickly put the phone down and pushed the duvet out of the way, eager to have his daughter back. Linnea was awake and wide-eyed as I placed her on her father's chest again. She stared up at him in that innocent, somewhat baffled way only babies can look at you. James stared back, looking equally baffled.   
“Hello, Linnea...” he said, tenderly caressing the inside of her hand with his thumb. “I'm your dad. Sorry it took me a while to say hello to you properly, I was just.. being a bit silly. I do that sometimes...” Crawling into bed I inched up to James once more, resting my head on his shoulder again.   
“Yeah, he's a bit silly, but.. Daddy at least makes a good pillow, doesn't he?” I said, running my palm over her tiny head and down her back again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to astheoceanblooms for tips and help, and for ruining the baby's intial name :P


	71. Chapter 71

“I'm going to be seeing this an awful lot in the time to come, aren't I?” James' voice was still thick with sleep.   
“Oh, about every four hours for the next... four to six months, at least,” I estimated from where I sat in the high-backed armchair having Linnea at my breast again.   
“You must've been up with her at least once during the night, too?” He asked as he sat up and swung his legs out of bed. “Sorry for sleeping through it.”   
“Oh for gods sake. There's no point in me waking you up every time I'm going to breastfeed. Like you said, you're going to see it an awful lot.” I shook my head a little at James, who was now pulling on his jeans and t-shirt. “Want to take her?” I offered.  
“Sure,” James said, smiling tenderly when he eyed his daughter who was lying in my lap on a pillow, having finished eating. He leaned down to take her, then froze in his tracks, obviously not sure about how to lift her up.   
“First of all, take that and drape it over a shoulder,” I said, holding up a burp cloth. James swung it over a shoulder, then stared at me intently, awaiting his next order. “Slip your hands under her shoulders, and hook your thumbs under her arms. Yeah, just like that. When you lift her up, remember to support her head with your fingertips.” James shot me a worried look, needing moral support. “Go on, you can do it.” Gingerly, as if she was made of eggshells he lifted her up from my lap.   
“Now what?!” He asked, holding her with his arms straight. She kicked her legs as she dangled from her father's big, slightly trembling hands. Trying my best not to laugh at James I took pity on him in stead and continued guiding him.  
“Just... Hold her against you, against your chest and shoulder. That's it, good. Now, let her head just rest against your shoulder, and hold her by supporting her with an arm under her bum. See? That's it! Now you're holding her,” I smiled. James relaxed a little as he realised he felt had a solid grip on her.   
“Seriously, have you never held a baby before?” I asked, unable to stop myself from smirking.  
“Yes I have, but none of them were.. mine. And none of them were this.. new. I just.. panicked,” he mumbled, and a blush flashed across his face. “God, she weighs... nothing.” He ran his free hand over the back of her head, then up and down her back, caressing her gently while he leaned his cheek against her forehead. In gratitude Linnea let out a loud burp worthy of a sailor.   
“Oi! Who taught you that sort of behaviour, missy? You certainly didn't learn it from me! You must've picked it up from your mother!” James grumbled, sounding thoroughly affronted with his daughter. I broke out into a hearty laugh, happy to see James returning to a little of his old self.  
“Well, at least I taught her how to do it properly,” I sniffed proudly. James walked slowly back and forth across the floor, holding Linnea close and rocking her gently. I watched them in silence for a while, another wave of emotions hitting me at the sight of them. The silence was broken by an ominous, low rumbling within the depths of Linneas nappy. “Uh-oh. Sounds like daddy is in for a nappy-change as well this morning!” James froze in his tracks, his eyes widening with horror.  
“...What?” He squeaked weakly.  
“Yep. Whoever holds the baby when she makes that sound, has to do the diaper change.”  
“I was never informed of this rule,” he scowled suspiciously.  
“I made it up just now. But that doesn't make it any less valid!” I nodded gravely, then got up from my chair and lead the way into the bathroom. Gently, still nervous that he'd break her in some way, he supported Linnea's head and bum as he lowered her down onto the changing mat. Then he considered her, looking at her as if she was a complex engineering riddle he had to solve. Taking pity on him once again I nudged him out of the way. “Want to just watch me do it, first?”  
“... Yes, please,” he mumbled, a little ashamed.   
“All right. But the next one is definitely yours,” I smirked. Checking that I had a fresh diaper and baby wipes at the ready I popped open the buttons on her onesie and pulled out of the way, then undid the diaper. James looked a mixture of grossed out and worried at the sight of the contents of the nappy. “Don't worry, its supposed to look like that, her digestive system is just starting up.” With a trained hand I quickly wiped her clean with a few baby wipes, stuffed them into the dirty nappy and rolled it up, tossing it in the bin. This was a part I was already good at, having changed probably thousands of nappies as part of my job at the neonatal ward, and those babies were so much smaller than her. Linnea kicked her legs madly, making odd cooing sounds. “Aw, does that feel nice, huh? Being liberated from the confines of the nappy? Airing your bum out?” I giggled, watching as her legs went like drumsticks. “This is all very cute and everything, but it'll just end with you peeing on me.” I unfolded the new nappy and handed it to James. “I did the icky bit. Your turn.” With a sceptical, helpless expression he accepted the nappy and we swapped places. “Hold her legs by the ankles with one hand, and lift her legs up enough to lift her bum up, then slide the nappy under her.” James shot me another worried look. “Her legs wont fall off, love, I promise!” He did as he was told, breathing a sigh of relief when he had the nappy in place. Clumsily he folded it over and fastened it around her waist, and she protested a little at having the nappy back on. James kept his calm and pulled the onesie back down, then closed the snap fasteners. “You have officially finished your first nappy change! And your daughter is still alive!” I cheered. James looked a little hurt. “I'm sorry for making fun of you, but you're being... adorably ridiculous. She isn't as frail as you think she is!” In my job I had seen hundreds of parents react in the same way James was now; so overwhelmed over how small and frail she seemed, and so petrified of doing anything wrong that he hardly dared touch her. Everything about this was new to him, he wasn't used to handling a newborn and had a steep learning-curve ahead of him. Even I, who was used to handling newborns as a part of my job, handled my daughter a lot more cautiously and with a lighter touch than was necessary. “Before you pick her up, put these on,” I said, handing James a tiny pair of jogging bottoms with feet. His shoulders sagged a little as he realised he yet another nerve-wracking challenge to go through. Linnea didn't make it easy on him as she was still kicking her tiny little pink legs, but after a few failed attempts he managed to get one leg in each pant-leg and pulled it up. When he was finished he straightened up and looked at me with a manic sort of pride in his face. I patted his back and smiled encouragingly at him, enjoying seeing him so proud and excited. He slipped his hands under her back and neck again, lifting her gently up off the changing table and held her close to his chest, kissing the top of her head. I trailed after him as we walked back into our room. “The doctor is going to have a look at her later. If everything is fine we might get to go home today!” I smiled as I sat down on the bed.   
“Go home? Today already? What do you mean “if everything is fine?” James' face instantly turned worried.   
“Oh relax, James. All newborns go through it. It's this set of neurological exams, they just want to check that the baby has all its reflexes and things. And they probably want to weigh her, listen to her heart and breathing... They do this with all babies. But Linnea was born a little early, too.”  
“Do you really think they'll let us go home already today?”   
“I don't know... They might not want to because she was a bit premature, but... I was the one who asked if we could,” I admitted. At this James stopped in his tracks. Up until now he'd been slowly pacing the floor, rocking Linnea who was slowly nodding off to sleep. Watching him it was as if he had never done anything else in his entire life but rock his daughter to sleep.   
“Really?”  
“Yeah, I... You know how I hate hospitals.” I smirked at what by now had become a running joke between us. “I just get restless here, I want to go home with our baby, sleep in my own bed... I feel good and healthy, the breastfeeding is going good, Linnea is healthy and happy, so... I can't think of a reason why they should keep us here.” Later that day we got called in to see the doctor. Looking at James I was half expecting him to leap out of his chair at any minute and wrestle his baby daughter out from the doctor's grasp. It was apparent that James thought the he was manhandling her in an extremely rough way when indeed all he was doing was check her mental status, motor functions and reflexes. Having completed his examination the doctor admitted that although she was born a little early and was a small one, he saw no reason for us to remain in the hospital as long as I agreed to bring her to a check up in a week or so. I nodded compliantly, eager to accept any terms the doctor set that enabled me to go home. Half an hour later we had finished packing and I placed Linnea in her car seat for the first time, strapping her in and placing a blanket over her. James shouldered our bags while I carried the car seat through the hospital and down into the underground parking house. Secretly I was a little grateful for the private parking, it gave us less of a chance of being seen by anyone, especially any photographers or press. There was a moment of mutual embarrassment and feeling of ineptitude when we stared at the car seat, then at the base of the car seat in the back of the panda.   
“Any idea?” I asked, looking sideways at James.   
“None. This was one of the reasons it took me ages to get back to the hospital in the first place – I had to figure out how install that thing properly!” He said defensively, pointing at the base.   
“Did you bring the instructions?”  
“Mno, but I think there's some on the.. thing...” he mumbled, diving into the back of the car to examine the base, on the hunt for some clarifying illustrations, which he eventually found. “Absolutely everything feels unfamiliar and like a huge challenge nowadays,” James observed, having finally managed to place the car seat correctly.  
“I know, sweetie. It feels like that for me, too,” I admitted, taking a step closer and slipping my arms inside his jacket, wrapping them around his waist. “I guess our lives is going to be filled with a lot of firsts from now on. And it'll probably be a long time until we feel like we have any idea what we're doing, but... I'm sure we'll manage to get the car-seat into the car in under 20 minutes eventually,” I said with a comforting smile, and James chortled. “Kiss?” I requested sweetly. James was more than happy to oblige. Tenderly he cupped my face in his hands, pulled me close and took my lips in a lingering, loving kiss. It felt comforting and calming. It reminded me that even though we didn't quite recognise our lives right now and everything felt upside down, we still had this. We still had each other, our closeness and companionship and love for each other, and that hadn't changed. 

“I'm never doing that again!” James announced as he climbed out of the car, having pulled up in our own driveway.   
“Doing what?” I frowned, climbing out of the backseat where I had kept an eye on Linnea, who had snoozed through her entire first car-ride.   
“Driving a car while my daughter is in it! It's too fucking scary!” He complained, sounding a little hysterical. He looked pale and incredibly wound up, like he had just survived a bombing raid.   
“Oh, so you're going to carry her everywhere for the rest of your life? That'll be interesting,” I snorted. “The Fiat is pretty small, maybe you should just buy a tank? She'd be safe in that?”  
“Don't mock me, woman,” James grumbled, but the corners of his mouth twitched anyway. “But yeah, we might need a bigger car.” Entering my own house, carrying the car-seat, I breathed a sigh of relief. Bringing Linnea home was equal parts exciting and terrifying, just as everything concerning her seemed to be. Setting the seat down on the table I sat down in the sofa and gently unbuckled her, then took off the purple hat she was wearing. Unable to leave her be I lifted her out from her seat and cradled her in my arms, resting back against the sofa. She squirmed and stretched a little at being disturbed, then fell asleep again.   
“You know where we are, baby? We're home! Yeah, this is our house. Welcome home, pumpkin,” I cooed in a whisper, running my hand over her hair. Before long Linnea woke up, letting me know she was hungry. “James? Could you go get the nursing pillow in her room?” James was in the kitchen, busying himself making tea by the sounds of it.   
“The what?”  
“The... The weird-looking pillow-thing! Its in the chair!” When James returned I accepted the pillow and placed it in my lap, letting the now screaming baby rest against it while I undid my nursing bra.  
“What's wrong?” James asked over the racket, looking desperately unhappy at the sound of her wailing. It was the first time he had heard her scream properly.   
“She's just hungry,” I waved, and a few seconds later Linnea proved me right by going quiet the instant she was offered a breast. “See? Yeah, you're a bit silly, aren't you? Getting that hysterical is completely unnecessary. Besides, you're scaring your father,” I added with a teasing smirk.  
“All that just because she was hungry?” He asked in quiet amazement, sitting down next to me on the sofa.  
“Yeah... Apparently, their sense of hunger is very intense, I read that somewhere. And, this is the only way she can communicate what she wants right now.”  
“So that is what that pillow is for. I thought it was a .. neck.. thing...” James mumbled, almost sounding embarrassed. “I thought I was a bit prepared for this, I read all the books and things, but... I feel like I don't know anything,” he sighed unhappily.   
“I don't think any amount of reading in books will get you prepared for something like this,” I said with a shrug. James wrapped his arm around my shoulders, gently so he wouldn't disturb Linnea.   
“I'm incredibly impressed with you, though, Emily. You're being... very good at all of this. And I'm glad at least one of us is.” He kissed the top of my head.   
“James, I work with tiny babies so I'm used to handling them. And I helped out a bit when my nieces and nephews were born, I picked up a thing or two. The breastfeeding part was new to me, but that is just.. instinct, I guess. Even so, this all still feels very.. new and odd to me, probably just as much as it does to you. But I like it,” I smiled.  
“I like it too,” James said, returning the smile. When Linnea had finished eating I handed her over to James again, who was slightly less panicked when taking his daughter into his arms this time. I announced that I was going to take a bath, then gave them each a kiss on the forehead and headed for the bathroom. I unpacked a little and had a long bath, feeling the positive effects it had on my body which still felt the after-effects of birth. While I dried myself off and got dressed I kept listening for any sound that could signal that Linnea was awake, but all was quiet. Returning to the living-room I found James lying on the sofa, a pillow under his head, Linnea resting on his chest, draped in a blanket. They were both fast asleep, and looking at them I was torn between emotional tears and laughter. Both of them were sleeping with their mouths half-open in exactly the same way, making them look very much like father and daughter. I quickly snapped a photo of them with my phone, then took a few of them with the proper camera. Deciding it was best to leave them be I sat down in a chair with my phone, going through my messages. Most of them were from my family, apparently the rumour of Linnea's birth had spread to the extended family, aunts and uncles and cousins who had sent me greetings and well-wishings. Among the messages I found one from Hammond. _'Congratulations on the baby girl from both of us! In risk of sounding like a woman – can I see a picture? Hope you're all okay. Hugs, Hamster.'_ I thought about it for a moment, then I composed an e-mail and attached two photos, one that James had taken of me and Linnea along with the one I had just taken of James and her on the sofa. _'Hi, Hamster. We're all doing just fine, just got home in fact! Sending you a few photos. No question of paternity necessary when you look at that last one, huh? :P Keep them to yourself for a bit, yeah? No one else has seen her yet. I just.. thought I owed you as much, seeing as you were there for most of her birth. Hugs, Emily.'_

The first few weeks of Linnea's life we hardly left the house, apart from going on little walks to try and get some fresh air, pushing a sleeping Linnea along in a pram. We had a steady stream of visitors, friends and family who were all dying to greet her and congratulate us, and James proudly showed off his daughter. James handled the shopping and ran a few errands, but he kept mostly at home. He wrote some articles now and then, but that was the only work he did – he had cleared his schedule as much as he could, and wouldn't go back to work until Top Gear started filming again. And even then he'd managed to avoid most of the long travels it normally involved. No matter how many times James had tried to reassure me that he truly wanted to have this baby, and that I hadn't forced him to agree to it, there had always been this tiny, niggling suspicion at the back of my mind, a tiny voice of doubt that I had never quite managed to shut up. My worst fear was that he would some day realise he'd made some awful mistake. His reaction right after Linnea was born did nothing to appease those fears, and I had worried that James would distance himself from her in some way. But as the days and weeks after Linnea's birth passed, it quickly dawned on me that all the fears I had carried with me had been a complete waste of time and energy. Linnea quickly grew just as attached to James as she did to me, maybe even more so. He had fallen into his role as a father with ease, and he was completely immersed and infatuated with her, soon being ust as adept as me when it came to changing nappies and taking care of her. He held her whenever he could and was always close, probably spending hundreds and hundreds of hours with her asleep on his chest, her little fingers intertwined into his long hair. She relied on me for food, but most times she would only fall asleep in my arms if James wasn't present. If he was anywhere nearby she wouldn't settle until she was in his arms or lying against his chest. As she grew and started to smile and imitate faces, James became even more enraptured with her, teaching her how to stick out her tongue and being the first one to get her to giggle. It was as if they had their own little world together, a special understanding and bond between then that I couldn't quite be a part of, and that I sometimes felt envious of. Linnea slept well most nights, but even so the breastfeeding felt constant, and the fact that I was never getting more than four hours of continual sleep was taking its toll on me. One night, absolutely nothing seemed to work to calm her down. Feeding, nappy change, rocking her, putting her down, everything just seemed to make her more frustrated. Feeling like a miserable failure I paced her nursery, holding a wailing Linnea. Eventually James shuffled in with a t-shirt on and his hair on end.   
“Want me to take over?” He offered kindly.   
“Yes, please...” I begged, handing the screaming infant over to her daddy. Typically, she quieted down almost immediately.   
“Hey, hey, hey, what's all this kerfuffle about, huh?” James talked to his daughter in that soft, tender voice that was reserved especially for her. “Are you trying to drive your mother up the wall, hm? Because I think you're succeeding, you little bugger.” Looking over his shoulder he smiled at me. “Go on, go to bed. We'll try to keep it down. Won't we?” He admonished mildly, talking to Linnea again. I smiled gratefully and shuffled to our bedroom, falling asleep before my head hit the pillow. I woke up with a start not twenty minutes later, cursing myself for not sleeping now that I had the chance. Rolling over in bed I stared at the dark ceiling, listening to the silence in the house. Then I realised the house wasn't completely quiet. In the distance I heard a faint sound of a piano playing. Intrigued I crawled out of bed and headed in the direction of the library. The door was closed, and opening it gently I peered inside. James was sitting by his piano playing something I didn't recognise, but it was calm and melodic. Linnea was sitting in her baby rocking chair perched on top of the grand piano, studying her father while pulling at one of her socks that she'd managed to get a hold of. James noticed the door opening in the corner of his eye.   
“I'm sorry, were we playing music too loud?” He asked, still playing.  
“No, no, I just... woke up,” I said, entering the room and approaching the piano.  
“Someone just isn't tired,” James explained, nodding discreetly in the direction of Linnea as if she wasn't supposed to know we were talking about her. “She's a bit of a night owl, I suspect. Like her mum, maybe? Anyway, this seems to keep her calm.”   
“Yeah, your piano playing always had a sedating effect on me, too,” I smirked, wrapping my arms around his neck from behind.   
“Ha. ha. Unfunny woman.”  
“Sorry,” I apologised and kissed his cheek. “Music could always calm me down when I felt bad, maybe she's the same way. Anyway, I'll leave you to it, I'm going back to bed, I just wanted to check on you.” I gave him another kiss on the cheek and left the room, closing the door behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be the last chapter for this part of the fic. I AM going to continue it, but going to do a bit of a time-leap into the future :)


End file.
